Bless This Mess (2019) s02e01 Episode Script

1 RIO: [GROANS.]
We better hurry up, 'cause I feel like they're gonna start without us.
MIKE: Yeah, I-I'm driving fast as electricity allows.
Ooh, I see a tiny spot for us.
I've never seen so many trucks parked here.
- This is a big deal.
- Okay.
- Let's go, go, go, go, go! - Yep.
I'm doing it.
- Okay, we're late.
- It's the first I've worn heels since we've been here, and so, it's just - Oh, gosh! You know what, honey? - What? I just stepped in a cow patty.
- Ooh.
- Or maybe it was a horse patty.
Actually, you know what? I think it's dog patty.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Go, team! - Let's go! MIKE: Oh.
So, that's what Constance meant about "dressing up.
" You two look ridiculous.
Thank you, Beau.
Thank you so much.
As long as I've been sheriff here in Bucksnort, we have come together to celebrate a very special weekend.
[CHEERING.]
The beginning of the Huskers season.
Let's go, Huskers! - [CHEERING.]
- Machine! Big Red machine! [RHYTHMIC CLAPPING.]
Let's go, Huskers! Let's go, Huskers! Now, we all know what's in this raffle drum, okay? It's the name of the family that gets the privilege of hosting this year's season opener.
- Yes! - Yes! We gonna do it this way So, why is the Nebraska football team called the Huskers? Oh, it's short for the Cornhuskers.
Cornhuskers.
But you shuck corn, don't you? You - Shh! - Hey! You don't see me coming in your house and talking over some Al Gore documentary.
S Yeah.
Sorry.
Watch me.
Here we go.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
Alright.
Now, don't get crazy.
Now, the winner is Mike and Rio Levine-Young! - What?! - Oh, my God! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God! [SMOOCHES.]
We We were in it, and we won it? - Honey, we won it! - Good for you.
- We're gonna host! Wow.
- Oh, my God! Let's go, Shuckers! - Booh, booh, booh-booh-booh.
- WOMAN: Did she say "Shuckers"? - Husk Huskers.
- Husker Huskers! But, sweetie, in my defense, they've only been the Cornhuskers since 1899.
Before that, they were the Rattlesnake Boys.
I don't know if you knew that.
Not really sure - why they let that one go.
- You're like a Huskers historian.
Have you been digging around on Wikipedia? It's because I just want to, like, know everything that there is to know about football.
Okay.
Uh, alright.
Let's test your knowledge.
- Okay.
- What's a first down? Sure.
Oh, it's "touchdown.
" Are you thinking of "touchdown"? I love you.
You're doing a great job.
- I love you.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna grab a crate.
- Okay.
- But you got it.
First touchdown.
You know, I'm not gonna be on the weeds on it.
I want to learn football systemically.
- Aaah! - Aaah! Oh, my God! Good God, Mike, you can't barge into my home like that.
- [THERESA BLEATS.]
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I-I know that the barn is your home, in the sense that you live here, but the barn is also our home, in the sense that we own it and it's ours.
Don't apologize.
Next time, just knock.
It's about respecting boundaries.
Oh, heads up Theresa the goat lost a tooth in your kitchen yesterday.
Wouldn't be walking around barefoot.
Okay, so, you didn't feel the need to pick it up? - [GRUNTING.]
- RIO: Here, baby.
- Morning, roomies.
- Uhp.
Hey, there, Beau.
You okay? Yeah.
Daddy got a mean ol' Charley horse running back from the farm last night.
- I see.
Yeah.
- Oh.
You know what might help? Is if Daddy drove his truck instead of running through a cornfield every day.
That's an excellent idea.
People can't see my truck parked here overnight.
What if they think my wife kicked me out of the house? - [GRUNTING.]
- I mean, she did kick you out, so Daddy has has been kicked out, and so Daddy should come to terms with that.
- [VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
- It would just be fair to make sure - Oh, look, it's Connie! Hey! - Oh.
Oh.
- Hey! - Whoop whoop! Folks are concerned that there's a couple of outsiders that aren't gonna be good hosts for the Huskers kickoff party.
I just want to say I would consider us, at this point, not outsiders.
I mean, we've been here for, - like, seven months, you know? - Yeah.
I would consider us true Bucksnort ers.
- Bucksn Bucksnortians.
- Bucksnort-shuns.
- Let's say Bucksnortians.
- Well, let me put it this way We're not gonna change the population sign anytime soon.
Sometimes it seems like you guys aren't all-in on Bucksnort.
- I feel like - Wow.
Well, that kinda hurts, because, to be honest, I-I can't think what else we could do to demonstrate that we're all-in on this town.
You could start with opening your moving boxes.
Oh, that? These are Rio, remember when you went to the city for your mama's birthday? And you came back with your hair did? Well, you hurt Linda's feelings.
You made her feel like you didn't trust her to do it.
I-It's just that there's a guy in New York, and he my colorist um and he does, like, a very complicated layering process, in which he sort of, like, paints If you really live here, Linda has to do your hair.
Okay, well, you know, Constance, I-I can promise you one thing We are gonna throw a kickass party.
I don't think you get how important this party is to us.
When my husband passed, the last thing I wanted to do was go to a party, but they brought the party to me.
They knew what I needed before I did.
That's what we do for each other.
Now, if you want to be a true Bucksnortiac, you have to listen to my advice.
- Bucksnortiac.
- Okay? - I did not see that coming.
- No.
These are the recipes.
These are the town's favorites.
Oh, wow! That's a lot of butter.
Huh.
I wonder if I could substitute some with with applesauce.
Get your head out your ass and use the damn butter.
[GRUNTING.]
[PANTING.]
Wow.
You're going one mile an hour.
Kay.
Hope you're enjoying our truck, our house, the AC, - and our child.
- I am.
Now, let's talk about how we're gonna play the party, okay? Folks can't know that you're living over at Mike and Rio's.
- It's none of their beeswax.
- Agreed.
But you know what'd really sell everybody on us still being together? If I slept over at the house tonight.
If and when I am ready for you to come back, I will let you know.
But until then, I'm drawing a hard line.
Do you hear me, mister? Don't cross over this boundary, 'cause I'm laying it down hard.
Now, here's some meatloaf.
And also, got you some laundry.
Figured you'd be on your last pair of tight-whites.
Coulda used these yesterday.
- Oh, come on! - Well, excuse my French, but I've been peen to jean the last three days.
[GEARSHIFT CLICKS.]
I have! I don't know, hon.
Maybe Connie was right.
I mean, why haven't we unpacked all these boxes? It's not like there's anything important in them.
We gotta show the town that we're here to stay.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- We got to send a message like, "We're here, we're gonna die here, we're getting buried here on property.
" - Oh.
- In fact, I think we should consider digging some burial holes - Plots? - Plots.
So when people drive by, they go, "They're in it for the long haul.
" - Maybe hold off on that? - Yeah.
You know what I mean? Just, like, start with, like, unpacking the boxes first.
- Y Y Okay.
Start with unpacking.
- You know what I mean? And then consider plots.
I assume you'll be attending the kickoff party? Of course.
Maybe we could go together.
Maybe I will definitely say yes.
To be clear, I'm currently saying yes.
Hey, Connie, we unpacked the last of our boxes, and I found my Rollerblades! - What, what?! - Alright, girl! Whoa! There we go.
I got you.
- Sorry.
- Nice save.
Yeah.
So, um We'll take all your butter.
I thought you might.
That's why I made you a box.
Oh! That's so sweet.
Now all you need for the party is a greased pig.
- Sorry, what? - Come again? KAY: Well, this here's our fastest pig.
Oh, my gosh! Look at this perfect face! [CHUCKLES.]
Forgot she wants to marry every animal she sees, huh? Well, I do when it has a perfect little butt like this.
Well, we don't eat that butt, you know? We just chase it, wrestle it into submission, and smush it into a bucket before kickoff.
- Oh.
- For luck.
Uh, I guess one question I have is is just "Why?" Uh, in that, you know why? Well, years ago, a-a pig escaped during the season opener party, and they caught that sucker right before kickoff, and like magic, the Huskers went on to win the national championship that year.
Yeah, so, every year, we-we chase a pig.
And does the little piggy sort of enjoy being, uh, chased around and smushed into a bucket for luck, or No, no, no.
She hates it.
That's why she runs so fast.
- Duh! - Sure.
And hypothetically speaking - Hmm - If this year, we didn't chase the pig, - Mm-hmm.
- would that be a big deal, or - Great question.
- Just imagine if you were in New York City and the Statue of Liberty lost her dress.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Imagine that.
[LAUGHS.]
- Same difference.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Yes.
About to whip up some of Bucksnort's favorite treats.
I'm gonna start with Clara's "Dump Balls.
" - Oh.
- Jar of grape jelly, some barbecue sauce, and frozen meatballs.
- Great.
- And the only direction is "dump.
" Great.
So, dump it.
In what world am I not gonna need to stir this? You gotta dump Dem balls.
Gotta be all-in.
Okay.
You're the boss.
I'm jazzed.
Like, we're doing it.
See, the town's traditions are our traditions, and I, for one, am embracing them.
I hate this tradition.
I hate it.
[SNORTS.]
Girl, stop looking at me like that.
I don't want you to be chased and greased and put in a bucket.
But sometimes in life, though, you know, you get chased and shoved in a bucket.
Alright.
You better rest up, okay? I'll bring you breakfast.
Okay.
I love you.
[HINGES CREAK.]
Alright.
[GATE CREAKS.]
[PIG SNORTING.]
Today marks my fifth date with Constance.
- You know what that means.
- Oh, yeah.
- Have sex for the fifth time? - Good God! I meant the first kiss.
- Oh.
- I like to light a long fuse.
Dates 1 through 4 sss.
Date 5 kaboom! Lip explosion.
Oh, well, I hope you'll warn me so I can take cover.
I don't think I can do it, though.
I haven't kissed a woman for the first time since I kissed my ex-wife under the bleachers during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- RIO: Mike! - Oh! - Oh, you're right here.
- I Oh, hi, Rudy.
- You okay? Yeah, can I show you something? [CHUCKLES.]
Go, Huskers.
So, as you can see, the something that I wanted to show you is nothing, in that Portia the pig is gone.
Portia? You named the pig? Okay.
- Well, 'cause - I'm gonna ask you a question - Sure - And I don't want you to get mad, - but I want you to be honest with me.
- Okay.
Sure.
Might you have subconsciously let Portia the pig out of here 'cause you did not want her to get chased? Speaking as a therapist, the subconscious, you know, is much like a greased pig.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hard to pin down.
I love you.
Uh, you're a dork, and we got to focus and get the pig.
- Okay? - Sure.
That's fair.
- [HORNS HONKING.]
- Oh, no! - Damn these polite, punctual people.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, hi! Hi! Welcome! Whoo! Football fans in Nebraska! - Whoo! - [PORTIA SNORTING.]
- [CROWD SHOUTING "GO, HUSKERS!".]
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hmm? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Rio, w-w-where are you going? Oh, I'm just gonna go for a quick run.
I just get so pumped up, you know what I mean? - Go, Big Red! - Alright, yeah! Go, Huskers! MIKE: Come on in.
Mike, I gotta say, this place looks amazing.
Oh! Thanks, Kent.
Great wig.
- Oh, no, it's not a wig.
- Oh.
- Want to touch it? - Uh You know, I'm still handling food, so Okay.
I brought the grease for the pig chase.
Uh, keep that grease warm.
We are going to have a pig to dunk in there any minute now.
- [ENGINE IDLING.]
- Ca-caw! Caw! [GRUNTS.]
Okay, ground rules - Hey.
- Guys? Family business stays in the family.
- Okay.
Go.
- Okay? Keep your mouth shut.
And don't go yapping to that girl you've been seeing.
Don't worry, Mom.
Janine and I don't talk much.
- We just French.
- It's 'cause she's homeschooled.
Uh, also it's "Jake" now.
What is? My name My name is Jake now, if that's okay.
Listen, your grandfather didn't lose his legs in the Pacific so we could call you Jake.
Grandpa lost his legs in the war? In the Pacific.
[SNORTING.]
Okay.
Portia? Hi.
It's me.
Rio, from last night.
Girl, you stay right there.
I'm gonna come and get ya real nice, real easy.
- Aaaaaaah! Aw, man! - [SQUEALS.]
- Hi.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
I wonder where the bathroom is.
How would I know? I've never been in this house in my life.
Yeah, leave it, Clara.
He doesn't know, okay? He lives at home with me, his wife! Our relationship is thriving.
Okay.
[CHOKING.]
Oh, my God! Deb, Deb, Deb! Are you okay? Spit it out! Spit it out! - Deb? Oh, wow.
- DEB: Oh, Go These Dump Balls were stirred.
- Mike! - No, no, no, no.
Tell me that ain't true.
No, they were dumped and left.
I don't see a film on the top.
And there And there's no skin on these balls.
- Uh excuse me.
- You stirred them! [WHISPERING.]
Honey, honey, honey, where is the little piggy? - It's almost kickoff - Nope.
and my balls were just rejected.
[WHISPERING.]
I've got eyes on her, okay? I've got this.
You just got to give me a second.
I just need to have a couple of tools and I've got it, okay? I've got you.
Um [MUTTERING.]
Okay, yeah.
- Rio! - Deb! Where are you going? Oh, you know what? I just like to do a load of laundry before a game.
- It's sort of a superstition thing.
- Oh.
- I love your shirt.
What is that? - A T-shirt? Oh, yeah.
Well, it's a Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait! Rio, you forgot your You forg "Beau Bowman"? [CHUCKLES.]
You've had it, and you love it.
You just don't remember loving it.
- You do not remember.
- I-I-I do.
I do.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- I-I-I don't even remember.
I'm gonna drink.
I'm gonna drink.
But no Yes, you smash the corn flakes - and stick them on top of the potato - No, I didn't It's really cool Frenching with you, Jake.
- Totally.
- You're so wild and broken.
- Thank you.
- Do you want anything - from the cooler? - I don't know.
Doesn't even matter.
Coke Zero, please.
Young Jacob? Yeah, Mr.
Rudy? Oh, oh, uh it's "Jake" now.
Jake? Wonderful.
You and your gal seem comfortable showing affection.
I'd like to know the events leading up to your first kiss.
Oh.
I just asked her permission, like they taught us to do in health class.
You asked her? Hot dog.
You kids are really something.
- Thank you.
- Just ask.
What a time to be alive.
Oh, these are my favorite.
Oh, uh, Kent, why are you dressed like a Civil War surgeon? Mm.
So I don't get the grease on myself.
- Mm.
- By the way, where is the pig at? Yes, the pig.
It's, uh - Oh! Oh, my goodness.
- Come on, Portia! Um, I'm just gonna get the glare off the, uh, TV here.
Huskers deserve a vivid picture.
So, why are you chasing a pig? Because we want our neighbors to like us.
Why do you need them to like you? You're a New Yorker! That means avoiding your neighbors in an elevator.
Like this guy.
I've been living here 20 years.
I have no idea who he is.
- I'm Harrison.
- A-Alright.
I don't need your life story.
Mom, we want to know our neighbors.
That's why we moved to Nebraska.
You know, we want to set down roots here.
Oh, sweetheart, speaking of roots, D'Ericko keeps asking about when you want to do your color.
Now, he books up very quickly around the High Holidays.
Yeah, about that.
I, um I'm just kinda, like, getting some pressure to have Linda do my hair here, so Linda? Sweetheart, if you want your neighbors to like you, please, God, don't start with your hair! Just be your wonderful self, okay? And stop chasing pigs.
I gotta go.
Mwah.
Love you, baby.
- Bye.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING.]
Wanna fool around? What? What?! [SIGHS.]
Portia, Portia, Portia.
[SNORTING.]
Look, I think my mom's right, you know? I never wanted to chase you in the first place, so I'm not doing it.
Okay? [SNORTING.]
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
Oh, hi.
You like that, huh? - Mike.
Mike.
- Oh.
Yeah? We got to be chasing that pig.
It's almost kickoff.
Where is it? Okay, she's gonna be here in seconds, okay? - Ohh! - You know what? Everybody, I don't think Mike here even has a pig for us to chase.
- [CROWD GROANING.]
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Okay, okay.
Hold on, hold on.
It's It's It's a long story, and that ends right now! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- She's here! Let's chase this pig! [CHEERING.]
Yeah, okay, just a quick Quick announcement No one's chasing this pig.
- What?! What?! - [CROWD MURMURING.]
- [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- Please don't go! Please! CLARA: You gotta be kidding me.
Well, theres goes the season.
- Can you believe that? - Yes, I can.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, you guys.
The last thing that I wanted to do was let all of you guys down, you know? I-I mean, look, we moved out here, we thought we were gonna be farmers, and you saw how that turned out.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Not too good.
- No, I know.
That was hard.
And we stayed because of you.
The community that you guys have here is just unbelievable! I mean, you just You show up for each other, you know each other so well.
We want to be a part of that so bad.
- Amen.
- But I j I just don't want to chase that pig, guys.
Seriously.
- It's just a pig! - It's just the only thing that I would ask, please, that you accept.
- 'Cause we are all-in.
- All the way.
So, let's start by Linda, I want you to do my hair real bad.
Yes! Finally! I can't wait to thicken those highlights.
G That's great.
I think we should start with just, like, a small section and just sort of, like, do a test - Oh, no.
We're doing the whole thing.
- I think we should just Anyway But But sure, we'll do the whole thing.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, that's what I said.
Do the whole thing.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Sorry.
I couldn't do the pig thing.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, don't apologize.
I'm right there with you.
In fact Everybody I stirred the Dump Balls.
- [CROWD GROANS, MURMURS.]
- I stirred 'em.
Yeah.
KENT: There was no film! This is who we are.
We don't chase pigs, we stir our balls.
But we still want the Huskers to have a winning season.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
And if our town needs to chase something for that to happen [CROWD GASPS.]
- chase me.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm your pig.
You're amazing.
You're amazing.
- Oh.
- I'm committed, town.
I'm all-in! Okay, but that's not human-grade.
Honey, I just want to say I don't know if this is the right time to talk about it or not, but, you know, farming has done wonders for your body.
It's never the wrong time to tell me that.
Thank you.
'Cause I feel a little vulnerable and exposed.
Okay, you know what? I can't watch this anymore! Rio and Beau are having an affair! - [CROWD MURMURING.]
- Ohh! WWhat? What? Yep, yep.
I found Beau's underwear in your house, Mike.
So? [CHUCKLES.]
That's my thing.
I-I-I put underwear in everybody's house.
Oh, stop lying! We all know that you're husking each other's corn! Okay, okay.
No, no, no! Nobody's husking anybody's anything! W Beau and I are We're working through some marital none-of-your-business, okay? And Mike and Rio have been nice enough to let Beau stay here while we do that.
Wait.
Beau's been living with us? Since when? You took in Beau? That's damn neighborly.
Beau Bowman I wouldn't even do that.
I wouldn't let you cut my hair if I had any! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What are y'all waiting for? We got a pig to chase.
Alright, look at this man.
He's shirtless, and he's ready to run like a maniac.
We can't leave him hangin'.
But we always chase a pig.
Oh, Kent! Take your head out your ass! Traditions change, okay? Mike is the pig this year, and I say we chase him! - [CHEERING.]
We chase him! We chase him! - I'm ready to do this! We chase him! Okay! Alright! Go! Go! Do we have to really chase him? Oh, no, no, but it'll be fun to watch him run around like that.
Oh, oh.
Honey, I think it's a joke.
I don't think you have to do it anymore.
Huh? Oh! Thank God.
I was already tired of [SCREAMS.]
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- Whooooooo! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Go, Big Red! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Huskers! Cornhuskers! - How'd I ever let that woman get away? - Whoo! Oh, look! He caught it with his hands! [LAUGHTER.]
He caught the ball.
That's the ball, right? Yes, hon, that's first down.
- Oh - He got a first down.
Oh, that's the first down.
I didn't know what it was.
Come on, Big Red! I met a devil woman - [SNORTING.]
- She took my heart away [BOTH LAUGH.]
She said I've had it comin' to me But I wanted it that way It's okay.
You can stir my balls.
Thank you.
So I took what I could get Mm, ooh, ooh She looked at me with big brown eyes And said, "You ain't seen nothin' yet B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin'" - What a great game.
- Mm.
And even greater party.
Greater still your company.
[CHUCKLES.]
I couldn't agree with you more.
May I have permission to kiss you? Yes, you may.
Wonderful.
I look forward to it.
And now I'm feelin' better [SIGHS.]
ANNOUNCER: Dropping back to throw.
And he's hit from behind! The ball's loose! It's scooped up! Into the end zone for a touchdown! [CHEERING.]
The Huskers win the football game! [CHUCKLES.]
We did it! Chasing Mike was good luck after all.
We got a new tradition! - Oh, I don't know about that! - Oh, my gosh! - I got you.
I got him, right? - I don't know.
- Mike.
- What? We're like a Bucksnort institution now.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, you slippery boy.
What's happening? - Oh, you know what it is? - It's the hog grease.
I'm gonna ask Kent to leave some behind.
Yeah, 'cause I think it has a really nice, supple flavor.
Perfect.
Could I do that again? [SIGHS.]
Yes, you may.
Good.
You just ask.
Genius.
Rudy.
Rudy [LAUGHS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Yes! [LAUGHS.]