Bojack Horseman (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

This is from BoJack H.
BoJack is nine years old.
"When I grow up, I want to be like you.
I'm on the right track.
Get it? Track? Because horses run on tracks and you are a horse.
And I am a horse.
Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the track?" - There's a whole page of this.
- Should I write him, tell him I get it? He goes on.
"My question for you is: I am a good kid and I like to play, and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad.
What do you do when you get sad? How do you not be sad?" Oh, big stud, running off to gallivant with your fillies.
Is that to impress me? I can smash a dinner plate, too.
That's a salad plate.
I thought these were salad plates.
- Those are saucers.
- Why do we even have saucers? We don't drink tea.
Those saucers are for entertaining! Oh, yeah? Well, I'm exit-taining.
Do you get it? But, uh, seriously, folks.
Right? Don't sit so close to the TV, it'll make you cruel.
You know, I was beautiful - before I got pregnant.
- I know.
- You ruined me, BoJack.
- I know.
You better grow up to be something great to make up for all the damage you've done.
I will.
and I just kept running.
BoJack Okay, enough me being a great mom.
I'm gonna go hide your father's heart medication.
Enjoy your dumb little TV show.
The first thing is, you gotta believe that change is possible.
You have to tell yourself every day: "I can change and I will change.
" - I can change and I will change.
- Louder.
I can change and I will change.
- Still can't hear you.
- You're an audiobook.
"I've got a new attitude.
" That's what your face should be saying to everyone you pass on the street.
We call that the PANTS approach.
P-A-N-T-S.
People all need to see.
People all need to see.
Yeah, a little to the right.
No, house right.
That's an acting term.
It means left.
I'm an actor.
No.
- BoJack, why did I wake up in an alley? - I had to get rid of the old couch, Todd.
While I was sleeping on it? The couch was a metaphor for my old attitude.
My audiobook told me I had to let go of the burdens of my life sofa.
Oh, you know what? Maybe it was "my life so far.
" I feel like you could've woken me up first.
Todd, no one can wake anybody else up.
You need to wake yourself up.
I don't know if I trust this new guy.
I'm just gonna go sleep in your car.
- Uh-oh.
I think someone needs a FAB.
- A FAB? FAB, stands for fresh active BNA.
- BNA? - Brand-new attitude.
Try to keep up.
ATTITUDE stands for attention to-- Did you also get rid of my stuff? Where's my duffel bag? I value you.
Hashtag "thank you for being a friend.
" Hashtag "PANTS.
" You got to conquer that hill.
The hill is a metaphor.
Everything is a metaphor.
- You are literally a metaphor.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, this is the worst.
This feels awful.
Why does anybody run? On your right.
And she had no idea that her boyfriend was the strangler.
I guess some people just see what they wanna see, right, Vincent? Um - Yeah.
- Hey, Princess Carolyn.
I gotta go.
One of my dumb-ass clients is here.
Just out for a jog, thought I'd say hello.
I jog now.
You jogged here from Laurel Canyon? I drove, but I moved my arm a bunch, so the Fitbit counted the miles.
Uh, someone named BoJark Hoseman is here? - Thank you, Stuart.
- Also, your coffee is coming late.
- Just like you ordered.
- I said "latte.
" Ah.
Well, I wrote down "late," so that's what it's gonna be.
- What happened to Laura? - Assistants are like Belushi brothers.
Good ones leave too soon, bad ones never go away.
It's a beautiful day, though, right? Every morning is a miracle.
Hashtag "miracle.
" Hashtag "every morning.
" Hashtag "every morning is a miracle.
" Hashtag "BoJack thoughts.
" I'm glad you found your bliss, but are you ready for your first day on set tomorrow? You mean, am I amped? Because I am so pumped.
This Secretariat movie is a big deal.
Please do not blow it.
Why would I blow it? I have a brand-new attitude.
You know, when I won that Golden Globe last month, I went to a very dark place.
I was in a hole.
And I realized, "I can wallow in this hole or I can change.
" While I was tempted to go with the former, sometimes the only way out of a hole is a latter.
- No pun intended.
- You clearly intended that pun.
Princess Carolyn, you gotta believe in the AHP of TPE.
Huh.
- Uh-uh.
I'm not asking.
- The awesome healing power-- - I am not asking.
- --of total positive energy.
You should leave because I'm about to pretend to get a phone call.
Hello? No, he's still here.
- No, he's not taking the hint somehow.
- Mm-hm.
Honey, where's my bandana? You chewed it up, we had to throw it away, remember? No, not that one.
The one with the bones on it.
With the meat juice stains? The one I wore to the Emmys.
I don't know.
I gotta go.
BoJack's gonna be here any minute.
Did you check the hall closet? I can't see anything in this stupid thing.
I know, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
But you gotta keep it on for one more week.
I look like an idiot.
You look very responsible.
Is the bandana doing anything? Hey, work buddy, first day on the job, huh? Hashtag "great day to start fresh at a new job, sincerely, BoJack.
" - @Diane.
- Can't believe you wanted to carpool.
- Gotta save the planet, Diane.
- Hey, is that BoJack Horseman? I don't know because I have no peripheral vision.
Going off of smell here.
Mr.
Peanutbutter, how the hell are you? - Loving it, buddy.
Loving life.
- Brother, I am right there with you.
I got a brand-new attitude and I am also loving life.
Uh Diane, look at us.
A couple life-lovers over here.
- Uh - Is that a new cone? Looking sharp, PB.
It is a new cone.
Is it obvious I'm wearing a cone? Didn't notice.
You've got the smile of a winner.
- What's going on? - I have to wear the cone so I don't gnaw on the stitches I had to get when I punched a mirror last week.
I got drunk and thought my reflection was another dog.
I was so mad at that other dog.
He was wearing my clothes.
- We've all been there.
- I don't understand what's happening.
Did someone say something to the left? Diane, is that you? Hey, why don't we just us two schedj a hang for this 'kend? "'Kend" is how I say weekend now.
Uh, I love that.
And I got a pair of tix to the 'Stones show this 'kend.
- Wanna go? - The Rolling Stones? What? Oh, no, no, no.
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
I'm not really familiar with that outfit, but I do love trying new things.
- Who are you? - Anyway, we gotta get to work.
It was really great talking to you, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
All right, break a leg, good buddy.
Diane, BoJack's ready to go.
Where are you, sweetheart? Are you ready? The house is a metaphor for a home.
Happiness is a metaphor for change.
Happiness is a metaphor-- - Where are we going? - Oh, my God.
BoJack, this is Corduroy Jackson-Jackson, your costar.
- Hey, man.
- Corduroy Jackson-Jackson.
Oh, right, the underwear guy.
Underwear model/actor/dancer/dreamer.
Also, you know, I'm a huge fan.
I'm so excited/amped/pumped to be working with you.
Yeah.
Hey, man, that's fantastic/great/I-ran-out-of-things.
- Hi.
Kelsey Jannings? - That depends.
- Are you my ex-wife's lawyer? - I'm Diane.
I'm here to be a character consultant.
- What? - I got a call from the studio.
Okay.
Why don't you stand over there and make sure no one trips over that cable? - This cable? - Do you have a thousand dollars? - What? - Because each minute I spend talking to you, that's how much money I'm wasting.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- Hey, who's this guy? - Who let this guy in? - I just-- He's got a funny face.
I like your face.
- Thank you.
- What a cute funny face.
Cookie? Can someone get this guy a cookie? He's got a soothing face and I like looking at it.
- Like a Matisse painting.
- Whoa.
Guys, could I get everyone's attention, please? Oh, watch out for the cable.
Don't trip over the cable.
I just want everyone to know what an honor it is to be here.
Secretariat has always been a personal hero of mine.
A complex role that requires a precise touch and a deft hand and I just can't wait to tackle it head-on.
It's truly an honor.
Namaste.
Neat.
So, in this scene, Secretariat's at his lowest.
He just lost his first race, his father was sent to the glue factory.
It's a dark moment.
- You got it.
- Scene 22 alpha, take one.
- Action! - Hey, Secretariat.
What are you doing here? - Hello? - Diane! I can't tell you how disappointed I am you're not here with me in Northern Cordovia.
I'm incredibly disappointed.
Boo! I didn't think I could do it, but I did it.
I'm amazing.
Sebastian, I know you're doing important work.
I couldn't just drop everything and fly to the Third World.
- I just got married, and-- - Diane.
People are dying, and I'm witnessing it.
And I need people to witness me witnessing it.
I know, and I'll be there in three months, as soon as I'm done on the movie.
This is also important.
In a way.
Well, lucky for you, there'll still be just as much famine and war and devastation in three months.
I'm not dead yet.
- Yep.
Lucky me.
- We're still rolling, people.
So, BoJack, in this scene, Secretariat is sad, right? Afraid he's gonna lose his scholarship.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, sad.
Of course.
Duh.
Okay, here we go.
Action.
Hey, Secretariat.
What are you doing here? That was bad.
I know that was bad.
Let's keep it rolling.
- I'll say when to keep rolling.
- Okay.
What are you doing here? Did we get it? I can tell by your face that we didn't.
All right, let me try again.
What are you doing--? I am having trouble with the words.
Is it okay if I play around with it a bit? When did you get here? Sorry, no.
Got it.
Got it.
Got it.
Man, these lights are bright, huh? Can we kill these lights at all? Is that a--? - No.
- Okay, I'm sad.
I'm sad.
Acting sad.
Secretariat is sad.
Okay, here we go.
I'm sad! Sorry, what was the line? I don't know if this helps or not, but when Secretariat was a kid - he actually-- - Aah! - My face! - Hey, hey.
- Whoa, whoa! - Oh, my God.
- Watch out! - Hey.
Whoa, whoa! Oh, my God.
My face.
My beautiful face.
Why didn't someone tell me not to trip over that cable? It was such an important job, but no one was there to do it and now my face is in ruins.
We're gonna need a couple of days to rebuild this set.
So, let's all just use this time to regroup and really figure out what we're doing and why we're here.
So, let me get this straight.
Bad means good? Maybe you should leave the teen-talk to me.
Jeezy Kableezy.
Well, it wasn't Ibsen.
That's your takeaway? That your son's TV show wasn't Ibsen? I'm sorry.
Did you need a compliment? Oh, I loved the part where you got your head caught in the banister.
- Yeah-- - And what's this letter I have? It's from the government saying, "I'm proud of you.
" - Are you--? - No, what I'm holding is nothing.
Can you check on our drinks? I would love some gin.
I wouldn't drink anything out of an open container.
This town is full of AIDS.
- That's not-- - You're a clown, you know that? You've always been a pillar of support.
Gin, please? Is there gin coming? I'm here, aren't I? I suffered through that ordeal.
You know, the man sitting next to me was wearing a T-shirt? A T-shirt, BoJack, in the theater.
Yes, a T-shirt.
Worst thing that's happened to anyone in a theater.
- The T-shirt told me to "just do it.
" - Here we go.
I don't know to what "it" the T-shirt referred but I won't be spoken to in that tone by an article of clothing.
Vodka? Triple sec? Looking for any alcohol.
You don't know how lucky you are.
I hope you die before I do so you never know what it's like to lose a mother.
As long as one of us dies, that's good enough.
Can we please get some alcohol into my mouth? The past is past.
That's why it's called the past.
Tomorrow is an opportunity.
You can be big and proud and bang on your tom-tom drum or you can get in your boat and row.
Tom or row.
Tomorrow.
- Hey, do you wanna talk? - Talk? Why? Why would we do that? So you can put everything in a book and sell a million copies? Wow.
Uh That's what the old me would have said.
The new me doesn't hold a grudge.
- No.
- I gotta say, the new you seems a little on edge.
What? Me? I'm as cool as The Fonz in a meat locker.
That's a metaphor, Diane.
- It's a simile.
- Goddamn it.
Oh, okay.
Hello? Small talk, small talk, small talk.
Are you blowing it? - I heard you're blowing it.
- What? Who told you that? Was it Todd? You gotta turn this ship around, BoJ.
If you don't-- Hey, can you hold on a second? I'm getting another call.
Well, if it isn't my friend, Rutabaga, the boy prince of the 26th floor.
Carolyn.
How are things all the way up on 27? Stomp once for good, twice for killing it.
Killing Give me some gossip.
My wife is making me go to the opera tonight.
I need something to distract me from the thought of D-bags singing songs in German about their boners.
Okay, you gotta keep this close to the vest but I am inches from getting Emily VanCamp the lead in Goose Van Sant's new movie about Jackie O.
My clients would f-l-ip if I got them parts like that.
You're killing it in the department of kicking ass in regards to you being an agent and being good at it, crushing it.
You're not so bad yourself, Rutabaga, for a 26er.
You're the only one in this building who isn't a total snooze-cooze.
Yes, Natasha, I'm talking about you.
I know you're listening.
Ugh.
I gotta go.
I made Natasha cry.
I don't think she's coming back.
Could we keep it down in the front, please? - Thank you.
- What am I gonna do? Well, you were an actor for nine years on Horsin' Around.
How did you do that? Uh - Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? - Of course, buddy.
I always have time for you, my good friend BoJack in this, the year 1988.
Have a seat.
Hey, enough with the stomping already! - Am I-- Am I a clown? - Oh, brother.
Didn't I tell you not to invite your mom to the taping? As Max Headroom would say, "Your m-m-mom is a b-b-bitch.
" But I am a good actor, right? BJ, I don't know.
Look-- You know what you're good at? Hitting your mark, saying your lines, loudly with good diction.
Should I be doing more? To capture the character - and make the audience connect? - This is a situation comedy.
No one watches this show to feel feelings.
Life is depressing enough already.
You bring joy to millions of people.
Maybe someday later, you'll need to learn how to act for real.
But for now, don't worry about it.
Oh, shit.
I'm not an actor.
All this time, I assumed there was more to me than everyone thought but maybe there isn't.
That's the part where you're supposed to disagree with me.
Oh, right.
Well, you got the part, didn't you? What did you do in the audition? Well, how should I know? That was the old me.
Now I've got a brand-new attitude.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Okay.
What should I do? Make a break for it? Drive to Mexico? Start a new life there? Meet a local girl? Fall in love? Talk my way into a job at a textile plant? Work my way up until I own the place? What am I talking about? I can't run a textile plant.
Too much responsibility.
What am I gonna do? The walls are closing in! BoJack, breathe.
You can do this.
You have two days.
Maybe you could hire an acting coach.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Plus, you can watch old Secretariat videos.
I've got a hard drive full of research.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
I can do this.
I've got two whole days.
And when the pressure's on, that's when I shine.
Yeah.
Two days.
I can do all those things.
Oh, shit.
I didn't do any of those things.
- What are you doing here? - Ah! That was it.
Say that again.
What are you doing here? - Okay.
- No? BoJack, before we get started - I wanted to show you this.
- What? This is the machine that's gonna make you a good actor.
- Really? - No.
We need to make a scan of your face so that if you die, we can finish the movie.
Standard procedure.
When a star is assessed to be of a certain liability, like if there was a whole book written about what a reckless jackass he is, you make a digital replica so you're not screwed if he goes all Belushi on you.
- Wait, which Belushi? - Hold still, please.
- Terrific.
We got it.
- One day, that's gonna be the job.
Sit for five seconds while a machine scans his face.
Six months later, plugging a movie on Kimmel.
I gotta go on Kimmel now? What if he makes me read a mean tweet? I'm not emotionally prepared.
Don't worry so much.
If you can't do this part we'll just fire you and get someone else who can.
Either way, I'll be fine.
What do you need, BoJack? I don't know.
I thought I wanted this, but now I'm feeling all this pressure.
- Think you made a mistake, hiring me? - I don't make mistakes, BoJack.
I do the crossword in Sharpie, I never learned the shortcut for undo.
- Command-Z.
- Don't need it, won't use it.
I'm trying to have this new attitude, be this better, more positive guy.
I keep thinking about how this movie is my last shot at happiness.
Well, BoJack, I hope this helps: I don't care if you are happy or not.
You have a job to do.
This guy again? I'm in love with this kid.
I wanna put you in my pocket.
- You're adorable.
- Aw.
- Hey, Diane, you're a writer, aren't you? - Yes.
Yes.
I am a writer.
What do you need? Can you write on a sign "watch out for cable"? You were telling people, but it's a really important job and a sign is less likely to get distracted.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? - So, I went a little overboard and I made you two mixes.
The first CD is all Mighty Mighty.
The second CD is all of the Bosstones' side projects and solo singles.
Listen to it and imagine the band never took that hiatus in the mid-aughts when America briefly lost interest in ska.
I don't have time.
I don't wanna listen to your music.
I don't wanna hang out.
Get out of here.
All right.
You don't wanna listen to Bosstones together.
That's the impression that I get.
- Is it the impression that I get? - Yes.
That's the impression that you get.
I see.
Way to go, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
What a stupid move.
Why did you--? BoJack, listen, I know you're scared, but it's gonna be okay.
- You gotta be strong.
- Yeah, but-- You gotta rise to the occasion, okay? So what if the new couch is weird? - Or lumpy? - Uh, what? What are you gonna do? Just sleep in BoJack's car forever? - Are you talking to me, or you--? - Damn it, time to stop being a coward.
It's time to go home and sleep on BoJack's couch.
Hurray! Happy ending for Todd! Charley Witherspoon, 28th floor agent.
Charley.
Listen, I wanted to touch base about Emily's start date on Jackie O.
Oh, yeah.
Uh Well, we got some new screen tests and, uh, Goose decided to go in a different direction.
Are you saying the Van Sant camp wants to recant on VanCamp? Because they can't.
Uh Charley, you better get your client to change his mind - or I'll walk up to the 28th floor and-- - Just kidding.
- I can't get to the phone right now.
- What? This is one of those answering machines that sounds like it's Charley talking but it's actually just an answering machine.
- I know you're there, Charley.
- Leave a message.
- I'm not gonna leave a message.
- Beep.
Hey, Charley, Princess Carolyn again.
Listen-- - Mailbox is full.
- What? Mailbox full? - Error.
Message deleted.
- Wait-- No-- Gotta go.
Bye.
Carolyn.
Rutabaga, this is not a good time.
Okay.
Can I please just tell you about the opera, though? - How did you like the opera? - I loved it.
Loved Tristan, loved Isolde, cried like a bunny.
Listen, my brain has been a-buzzing for the past few days thinking about that Jackie O movie.
I know it's your baby, but I did make a few calls and got my Rooney a screen test.
I put that movie together for my client.
No, no, no, don't freak out.
It's just a screen test.
But, honestly, how fantaj would my Rooney be as a young Jackie Bouv? Stomp once for so fantaj, twice for stupid-fantaj.
Carolyn? I only heard one stomp.
Oh.
Carolyn, I heart you.
You're beautiful.
I wish I met you before I got married.
You can do it.
Only you hold the keys to the house that is you.
The house is at the top of a hill.
The hill is also you.
Five minutes, Mr.
Horseman.
When you get your new attitude, you're gonna wave goodbye to the old-- What do you want, Mom? Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.
- Do you need more blood? - I don't need blood.
- I read your book, BoJack.
- Oh.
It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him.
You know how I feel about Anne Frank.
- That was a diary.
- I read the parts about me.
The things I said to you.
You must think I'm a real monster.
- Mom-- - I don't wanna fight you, BoJack.
I just wanted to tell you I know.
I know you wanna be happy, but you won't be, and-- - I'm sorry.
- What? It's not just you, you know.
Your father and I, we-- Well, you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside you.
You were born broken, that's your birthright.
And now you can fill your life with projects your books and your movies and your little girlfriends but it won't make you whole.
You're BoJack Horseman.
There's no cure for that.
Anyway, do you remember who directed The Philadelphia Story? Five letters, second letter U? - Lubitsch? - No, BoJack.
Goodbye.
You need to visualize it flying out the window, over the-- What are you doing here? Great.
We got it.
Let's move on.
Boxer versus Raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.