Borderline (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 This is absolutely unbelievable.
Twice in the past week.
I will be on the phone to your superior.
Yeah, I am Chief Inspector and I will be on the phone to your superior.
It's just simply not acceptable, do you understand? Yes.
Hang on.
Did you want stuffed crust or just? Yes, stuffed crust, please.
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today [narrator.]
This is Northend Airport, the most successful airport in Northend.
Hello! [laughs.]
Back again to bother us? Sorry.
Just act natural.
Here, the men and women on the front line of the UK's borders have granted us behind-the-scenes access like never before, apart from last year.
[Linda takes a deep breath.]
Yes! It's Monday morning and Chief Inspector Linda Proctor is determined to start the week as she means to go on, with an upbeat and positive outlook.
[Linda.]
Good morning, everyone! Good morning.
Now I have been concerned in the past that team meetings tend to focus on the negative.
So from now on, positivity.
Have you been on another training course? Instant negativity.
No, I haven't actually.
This is my own initiative.
It was actually a management training course.
Yes, we can! Fostering hope and positivity in management methodology.
[Linda.]
I actually I got a lot out of it.
We played truth or dare.
That was an eye opener.
Do you know what "bukkake" is? I have some very positive news.
To celebrate the opening of the new terminal, we are having a royal visit.
-[Andy.]
The Queen? -[Tariq laughs.]
Why is that funny? That would be insane.
-No, no, it's not the Queen.
-[they all chatter.]
-Er, we don't know.
-Eugene? Please stop trying to guess.
We don't actually know.
-Could be Sophie? -It's not.
Look, we don't know.
You wouldn't bow if the Queen Look, it's not the cocking Queen, OK! Despite the agents excitement at the impending royal visit, not everyone at the airport shares their enthusiasm.
When I heard I was like, "What?! No way!" -What was I like, Suji? -Er, he was like, "what?! No way!" I won't have no royals up in here, you understand what I'm saying, bruv? -Not on my watch.
What'd I say? -Yeah, not on his watch.
Not on my watch.
Bringing their imperialisms now.
Bringing their colonialisms now into my work space.
-No, thank you.
What did I say? -Er? I can't really remember all of it.
During an unusually quiet period at passport control, Proctor gets increasingly nervous about the royal visit and attempts to stay positive by any means necessary.
Grant, don't give those back to me, OK? -Sugar is a drug.
-OK.
Understood.
I do not need sugar to be positive.
Honestly, it's so addictive, it's worse than cocaine.
I've never tried cocaine before, Lin.
Pornography then.
Oh, right.
What Proctor doesn't know is the mystery royal isn't the only surprise visit to Northend today.
Ex-border agent Clive Hassler is also on site in his new role as airport police officer.
When I applied to transfer to the airport they were really surprised.
Cos they said that no one ever, ever, ever wants to come and work at the airport.
I think that's just cos they've maybe never been to one or know what it's like.
The rest of the team are so far unaware that Clive's working here again and he's looking forward to breaking it to them gently.
-Do you know-- -Get on the fucking ground! -[Linda screams.]
-Oh, my.
.
Oh, Jesus Christ! You scared the living daylights out of me! -Clive! What are you doing here? -Sorry.
-[Linda laughs.]
-Hey, Grant! -Clive.
Good to see you.
-Oh, hey, guys! Is, er Ooh! [laughs.]
-Oh, new sound guy.
-Clive.
-[laughs.]
-So why are you here? Eh? Oh, er I'm the new airport policeman.
I'm gonna be stationed at the terminal.
-Really? -Yep.
So you're the first line of defence between us and a terrorist attack? Yeah, well me and Big Malcolm.
-Who's Big Malcolm? -Oh, it's my partner.
I'm just getting his lunch for him.
-You enjoying yourself? -Yeah.
Yeah.
-Life's big dream, eh? -Yeah, it's what I wanted.
-Can I touch your gun? -No.
-Go on, please.
-I'm not really supposed to - Just a little touch.
- No.
Well, you're not my boss any more.
No! Don't reach for it because -Sorry, I -Hey, Clive -No, sorry, I just -I'm sorry.
No, it's OK.
I'm still getting used to it myself.
Do you want to come and see the other guys? -They're just in there? -Yeah.
Go and see them.
-They'd love to see you.
-You want a sweet? -May I have these? -Yeah.
Listen, you can touch my gun.
-Just not in front of the cameras.
-Oh, OK, cool.
Back in the office, Agent Mansoor is still rather amused that his colleague Agent Church appears to be a surprise royalist.
[Andy.]
I just don't think it's weird to be excited about meeting the Queen.
But she won't come because this is Northend Airport.
And she's really old.
But mainly cos it's Northend Airport.
"What is your name, my dear?" Andy.
What's happening here? Oh, you're the Queen! -Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty, sorry.
My fault.
"You're keeping our borders safe? Protecting my money?" Er, no, not my job, but I will keep your borders safe.
"So tiring, you know, millions just falling from my pockets.
" You should get a better accountant if that is happening.
-"I am a good, good monarch.
" -Yeah.
Oh, God! -What did you do last night? -Couple of beers and then I did this vape THC oil, which was -[he laughs.]
-No, you didn't.
No, it's, er It's marijuana oil.
It's vaping.
It's not smoking, so Yeah, but you didn't do that either because that's still illegal.
Oh Yeah.
So that's the Queen's night, and what did you do, Tariq? Oh, just had a couple of pints and went home.
[Andy.]
Oh, that's just a game that we play.
Yeah, he comes in every day and pretends to be a different monarch doing a different illegal thing.
So yesterday it was Prince Charles speeding.
After his successful impression of the Queen smoking something illegal, Agent Mansoor, who just had a couple of pints and went home, seems to be inexplicably nervous.
Luckily, he's about to receive a welcome distraction.
Hey, guys, erm, a bit of a surprise for you.
It's me! I'm the surprise! -Oh! -It's me! I'm the surprise.
-Hey, man! Good to see you.
-How you doing, Tariq? Ah! -Hey, Clive! -Hey, Andy.
How you doing? I'm gonna to be working in the terminal.
-What this one? -Yeah! What? Really? Wow, that's great.
So strong now, do you know what I mean? -Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Just the one? -No, I've got both.
-Oh, OK.
-Other side of that.
Yeah.
Good to see you guys.
We've Yeah, we've actually got to get to a briefing, but -Yeah, good to see you.
-I've got police stuff to do.
Yeah, don't wanna take your time.
-See you later, man.
-Bye! The only problem is that the trousers are very tight.
And, erm I want to be imposing to criminals for the right reasons.
Oh, Clive, you're still here.
Oh, yeah, I was just coming to check on you guys and make sure this area's safe.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no crimes.
-Sugar? Oh, you've made a spare.
Oh, that will be my partner, Big Malcolm.
PC Clive Hassler, over.
Where the fuck are you, you little prat? I told you to get your fucking arse back here already, you fucking toe rag! Get your fucking arse over here now! Over.
Message received.
Over, over.
Big Malcolm is called Big Malcolm because he's so big, that it helps to identify him aside from other Malcolms.
"Which Malcolm are you talking about?" "Big Malcolm.
" "The big one?" "Exactly.
" [sighs.]
He's so big.
-Yeah -You need to As PC Hassler rushes off to get lunch for the only Malcolm in the Northend Police Service, Proctor has an update on the royal visit.
We have our answer.
The new terminal at Northend Airport will be opened by the Earl of Sandwich.
Yep, funny name.
Let's get it all out now.
Yeah.
No, he's actually my favourite royal.
Just behind the Italian Baron Panini.
-Oh, strong, very good.
-I was holding out for that French guy.
-The Dauphin the Baguette.
-Ah, that's a good one.
Oh, there's the Russian Count.
Oh, God! What's Russian for "sandwich"? Ah, fuck it! So funny.
Mm.
Bagel.
-Ah.
-[Grant chuckles.]
Yeah.
Er, Count von Bagel.
Having attended to Big Malcolm's lunch, PC Hassler has time for some routine checks and catching up with old friends.
-Yeah, it's good.
-[Sujan.]
Feels safe as well.
-Yeah, I feel safe.
-Do I press that or? That's just for police business.
Yeah, of course, yeah.
But you never mess with the emergency services, innit? Mum taught me that.
There's a camera, there's a camera up there.
Ah, fuck the police! Don't talk to me! I don't wanna talk to you, officer! -It's Clive though, innit? -That's what you wanna do! Put me and my people behind the bars, innit, officer? That's what you wanna do, policeman! Er, see you later then.
I don't want to talk to you, policeman.
Er, I'll see you at lunch.
Alright, he's gone.
-How long was the camera on for? -Not long.
We're alright.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
Linda, if you died, right, who would be in charge? [laughs.]
OK, erm, well, you're the next down in seniority, so it would be you in the interim.
Yeah.
Yep.
-Bit nervous now.
-Don't be nervous, it's fine.
I'm gonna make a cup of tea.
It's a special day at Northend Airport, as the new terminal is to be officially opened by mid-table nobleman the Earl of Sandwich.
Agent Brodie wants to make sure he's fully prepared.
The Earl's seat is Haverford House and he was educated at Balliol.
I expect him to be a debonair man.
You know, very polite and chivalrous, maybe, would be what, er, the Earl of Sandwich means to me.
How is your seat? Erm, Haverford House? Haverford House, isn't it? Balliol? Well, educated myself at Galashiels Business College.
However, not everyone in the airport is enthused by the special occasion.
Baggage handlers Mo and Suj have obtained Proctors' permission to officially protest the visit.
Yeah, it's nice but he's not a Count, he's an Earl, so But what is even the difference between a Count and an Earl, anyway? I think one of their mums slept with the king or something.
Historical hoes, I like that.
Just cross that one out there.
-what that one, yeah? -Yeah, just cross it out.
It'll be fine.
Oh, I like your style, Suji! Look, that's just like a generic cuss.
-Baron don't work here, anyway.
-Easy.
With the impending arrival of such an important guest, security measures have been stepped up.
Not only is there an elite police presence in the form of PC Hassler, but a new highly trained specialist addition to the team.
Oh, hello, lovely! -You're beautiful! -Oh! -Hello! -[Andy laughs.]
Oh! Isn't she lovely? She's our new sniffer dog.
Hey, who's this? Who's this guy? -[dog barks.]
-There you go, Tariq, alright? -Erm -What's his problem? Is this maybe the Queen's jacket? What? No, I was wearing this last night when Oh? Yeah, it's the Queen's jacket.
-I'm just gonna -Yeah, OK.
I don't think the dog was barking cos of his jacket, you know, actually he could have been cos Tariq, he stores meat in his jackets.
Different meats for different jackets.
Sausages - bomber jacket.
Blazer - pastrami.
While Andy muses on Tariq's meat, Proctor fluffs the Earl's pelmet before he comes into the terminal.
Lovely pelmet! It's all coming together.
Power of positive thinking, see? The Earl, the Earl can suck his mum! The Earl the Earl, the Earl can suck his mum! No, no, no, no, no, no, I can't have that here! I though you said we had a right to protest? Yes, you do but over there, please, by the fence, thank you.
What? That's far, bruv.
It's like living where in this joint.
-It's like North Korea.
-Understand me? Listen, we'll see you in the European Court of Human Rights, innit, Proctor? Yeah, I don't think so.
Brexit, we left remember? I told you not to vote out.
Proctor.
What? But we've done the plaque.
Ah! T You have literally just put sand in my vagina.
Not literally.
I don't have much choice, do I? OK, thanks for that.
Yep, brilliant, cheers.
Bye.
So it turns out the Earl of Sandwich is indisposed so they're sending us a Baron.
[scoffs.]
Is a Baron even royal? Might as well send us Pippa Middleton.
At least everyone could stare at her arse.
As Proctor awaits the arrival of the incorrectly plaqued Baron Latimer, yet another rare quiet moment at passport control gives PC Hassler a chance to show his old friends some of his newly acquired enforcement skills.
And then by the time I got you there, can you move? -No, I can't, I can't move.
-Really? From there I put the handcuffs on, but I can't find my keys, so I don't wanna put it on you right now.
-And then that would be it.
-Wow! -That's really cool, man.
-Oh, great.
You must love it? -Do you wanna see my gun? -Er, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Cos I'm an airport policeman -so I get to have a gun.
-Wow! It's kind of weird at first but it becomes an extension of your body.
And you can, like, play with it.
-Oh, wow, that's so great.
-Dude is that safe? -Sorry.
No, that should be on.
-Yeah.
When I was training to use the gun, they said that you have to just sort of empty your mind, so I just, sort of, look at the target and then become calm.
Bang! Can I just hold it? Erm Come round the corner.
OK? -Yeah.
-Can I come? Yeah.
Oh, we're just going to the toilet.
-Oh, my God! It's so heavy.
-Yeah, put it in your mouth.
Meanwhile, outside, the Baron arrives to a warm welcome from the staff.
Don't like that.
Fully prepped and ready for action, Agent Brodie provides a slick and professional greeting.
He's stopped there, so -You the valet? -No, er Oh! right in my balls! After a shaky start, Agent Brodie regroups with a sure-fire icebreaker.
So how are the repairs going at Haverford House? The restoration of your country seat? -Who the arse do you think I am? -You're the Earl of Sandwich? No, no, no, no, I am not the Earl of Sandwich.
Er, LadyLinda this is not the Earl of Sandwich.
-Chief Inspector Linda Proctor, Baron, delighted to meet you.
-Baron of Sandwich.
So your job must have got a lot easier.
-In what way, sir? -Brexit! Stop the hordes pouring in.
Well, I'm not really sure "hordes" is I mean the odd Pole fair enough.
Had one rebuild my perimeter wall.
But not all these others.
The Bulgarians, Romanians, Kosovans.
-Now what is your position regarding the Muslims? -Here we are, sir! What outside? I'm not standing around in the freezing cold.
I'll catch my death.
Er, Grant would you get the Baron a jacket, please? Oh, yeah.
Yes.
I will get you a jacket.
Very good.
Something tailored.
Oh, yeah, like a 38 long.
Yeah.
Not much of a turnout is there? Couple of chaps over there.
-What does their sign say? -Oh, yes, they're not with us.
Disappointed by their protest's lack of impact Bruv, this sign ain't even working! .
.
baggage handler Sujan Stevens quickly improvises an alternative solution.
-What are you doing? -Semaphore.
-What is a semaphores? -Is the chap doing semaphore? -Erm -I did a bit of semaphore.
-Did you, sir? -Yes, at school.
What's he saying? C U -N -Look at that eagle! As the protest escalates outside, back at passport control, PC Hassler continues to demonstrate his expertise.
-Here's the bullets.
-Oh, God! Give it me back! -Good, er -Thanks, yeah.
I gotta place to go.
Careful of that.
Yeah.
-OK, dude? -Alright.
-See you later.
-Yeah, see ya! Do you wanna to take my fingerprints? Later, as some of the team gather for the grand opening, the Baron, suitably jacketed, gives a short speech to an appreciative crowd.
I'll be honest with you, before today I'd never heard of N Northend Airport.
Not your fault though.
Couldn't possibly pin that on you lot.
And I do like duty free, although of course I never pay tax on anything.
[they laugh.]
Yes.
So without further ado, I declare Northside Airportopen.
To Proctor's relief, it's gone without a hitch.
Until Snowflake the sniffer dog shows just how professional she can be.
[Snowflake growls and barks.]
Sorry about your jacket there, Tariq.
-No, it's not my jacket.
-Yeah, that's your jacket.
Shit! -Get it off me! Someone! -[crowd gasps.]
Whilst Snowflake may have things covered at the presentation, behind the scenes there's a major security issue.
Luckily, Northend's finest, PC Hassler, is on the case.
Andy, Andy! I can't find my gun! Do you have my gun? -No, no, I don't have it.
-Oh, my God! I think they're allowed to kill me.
No, they're not allowed, Where were you? -I was with you.
-We were spinning the gun.
-I stood on the gun.
-We juggled the gun.
I put the gun in my mouth, in your mouth.
I went to the toilet.
I took off my trousers and my pants.
-And poo's coming out of my bum.
-No, that's irrelevant.
-It's in the toilet! -It's in the toilet! Even though the opening ceremony was something of a disaster, Proctor remains convinced that from now on things will improve.
-I want that dog put down.
-[woman screams.]
-[Clive.]
Everybody get down! -[crowd gasps.]
[woman over PA.]
Your safety is our priority.
[narrator.]
She was wrong.
Hi.
Er Can I have the gun, please? [girl.]
No.
I'll give you half of these sweets.
-[Linda.]
Give her all of them! -Fine, I'll give her all of them! I'll give you all of these sweets.
Oh, I should have got the gun first.
[Linda.]
How did it go? We had to lie there for about an hour and a half before the real police arrived.
Still no harm done, eh? Apart from having to shut the terminal for three hours and re-route both incoming flights.
Sometimes I think trying to be positive is just bullshit.
It took me ages to persuade the Baron not to press charges, cos he's such a twat.
This has been the shittest day.
I mean, who gives a shit about Barons? I mean, I'm barren.
I don't get asked to open airports.
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today