Bored to Death (2009) s02e01 Episode Script

( Theme music playing ) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
( whistles ) ( dramatic music playing ) - Ah! - Man: I'm gonna kill you! Fuck! Hi.
Your husband is definitely cheating on you with an artist in DUMBO who hasn't been pushed out by gentrification.
I got to go.
Your husband's a really fast runner! Man: Hey! Hey, don't you move, you son of a ( sighs ) Jonathan: Okay, so here are my three rules of writing: One, it's difficult; Two, there will always be more rejection than acceptance; And three, try to give pleasure with every sentence.
But it's easy for you to say there will always be more rejection than acceptance.
You're a published writer.
You've already made it.
Well, actually, my second novel was just rejected.
I have to pay back my advance to my publisher.
( Mutters ) It's pretty demoralizing For what it's worth, I read your first book.
I'm not Jewish, but I liked it.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
And well, has anyone else read "I Pass Like Night," my first novel? Well, um, okay.
Why don't we go around the class? Each of you can briefly describe what you plan to write about.
So we'll start with you.
Hi.
I want to write a book like Zadie Smith, something that talks about how hard and weird it is to be alive even if you're middle class and your parents were pretty loving.
It might also be about bulimia and anorexia.
- I'd read that book.
- Thank you.
( Heavy accent ) I want to write a novel about a man who's either a bicycle courier or a spastic wizard.
Or a spastic courier.
I haven't decided.
Making the guy a spastic wizard sounds better to me.
- That's my two cents.
- Okay.
That's what I'll do.
Thank you.
- Great.
- If he's spastic, he can always be dropping his wand.
That's funny.
Please don't tell me how to write my story.
Thank you.
Wait.
Wait! ' MY turn? (slurping ) - Hey, Ray.
- Hi.
- Good night, Professor Ames.
- Good night, Bob.
- "Professor Ames"? Is that guy nuts? - Maybe.
All of my students are in a lot of mental pain.
- That's night classes for you.
- Night.
Night, Nina.
Hello, Nabokov.
Jonathan, to your first class.
Oh, come on.
Don't be so down in the mouth.
- I think it's great that you're teaching.
- I just think it's sad that all my students have this dream of writing a book.
Didn't you tell 'em nobody's reading any more? Even I'm not reading.
I got a Kindle, but I dropped it in the tub.
- ( Phone rings ) - That's Leah.
- ( Beeps ) - She knows I'm at a bar.
She put my phone on her GPS tracking system.
( Exasperated groan ) ( mutters harshly ) ( chuckles ) GPS.
I don't know, George.
If I didn't need the money, I don't think I'd be teaching this workshop.
I am sorry about the money situation, Jonathan.
I don't know how much work I can give you.
The new publisher and the board are showing up tomorrow.
I may have to cut even more pages.
George, do you think I'm washed up at 30? No.
You're too young to be washed up.
You might still be growing.
But I have no skills for the world.
At this rate I might have to move back in with my parents.
Listen, a little failure is good for you.
It'll give your face some texture.
Also, you and I'll be on the same schedule.
- What do you mean? - You fail in your 30s, succeed in your 40s.
Have a little bit of a dark period in your 50s and then flourish again in your 60s.
But I don't want to fail my whole 30s.
Jonathan, it takes time for a man to find his form.
Leah.
She doesn't want me to drink too much.
We have our first yoga class tomorrow.
- George: Oh.
- I have to leave soon anyways.
I've got to meet a client at midnight.
- I didn't know you liked yoga.
- I don't.
But Leah wants us to do more things together.
We're also taking a sign language class.
- ( Blows raspberry ) - Yoga sounds good.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'll probably hurt myself.
The only New Age thing I want to do is stick an aromatherapy candle up my ass.
Aren't those candles very wide? I was joking, George.
I don't want to do that.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
I thought you were being serious.
Because I had a girlfriend in the '70s who tried to stimulate me once with a Shabbat candle, you know, down there, but I was too uptight.
- My mom used to light Shabbat candles - Jeez! What happened? You all right? Oh, Jeez, I just had the most awful pain.
In your chest? Do you have an aspirin? It's very important to take an aspirin after a heart attack.
I didn't have a heart attack.
It was in my penis.
I mean, it was like a phantom lightning bolt.
I've never felt anything like that before.
Well, that's terrible.
That could be an aneurism in your penis.
- No, don't say - You need to go see a urologist, George.
- Jeffrey.
- Yes, Mr.
Christopher? Another one, please.
It's an emergency.
- Medical.
- Oh.
( Horses nickering ) ( horse whinnies ) Jonathan Ames? Yes.
It's good to meet you.
Thank you so much for coming.
- You wanna meet Doris? - Sure.
( Gate opens ) Come on, girl.
Here she is.
Hello, Doris.
She's my favorite.
So how can I help you, Officer Drake? I got a real situation.
You ever destroy a hard drive? Yeah, I was playing internet backgammon and I got a really bad virus on my laptop.
No, I mean someone else's hard drive I need you to destroy it.
Whose hard drive is it? It's embarrassing.
You see, a couple years ago I started going to this dungeon you know, S&M.
And I need to clear my name off of their computer.
- Why do you need to clear your name? - It turns out the damn place has been laundering drug money and now it's gonna be raided.
- I see.
- My career as a mounted police officer is at stake my marriage, everything.
I coach my daughter's soccer team in Maspeth.
I can't be exposed for who I am.
I understand.
We all need our secrets.
( Nickers ) Thank you.
I know I just said we all need our secrets, but if you don't mind me asking, what do you like to do at the dungeon? I'm sort of a student of human sexuality.
Well you ever hear of forced feminization? - Yes.
- Yeah? Well, that's what I got.
When I was eight years old, my older sister and a couple of her friends, they dressed me up in a Girl Scout uniform you know, the little skirt, panties, lipstick the whole nine yards.
They said that I was a pretty little girl and it you know, it did something to me.
You know, I tried on my mother's panties when I was 15 and I liked it, but it didn't stick.
I just did it the one time.
Well, you're lucky, 'cause with me, it stuck.
I mean, I have to do it once a month or so.
- It's like I'm ovulating.
- Hmm.
Don't get me wrong.
I love it, but it also suffocates me.
It presses down on me.
That's kind of like what Ahab said about Moby Dick "He heaps me.
" Yeah, right.
I don't mean to impose, but could I sit on Doris? I've actually never been on a horse.
I'm Jewish.
Absolutely.
Come on.
You know, you do this for me and I'm gonna quit once and for all.
You know, this whole thing, it's like a sign.
It's my chance to start over.
Yeah.
Tomorrow that hard drive will be destroyed.
( Galloping effect ) ( moans ) Thank you.
Oh, your nose rubs against me in this really great way.
Ah, that's good.
You know, Stella, you're the best thing in my life.
No, I'm not.
You are.
If I didn't have you, I wouldn't have anything.
You have a lot.
You have well, you're teaching now.
Jonathan: It's night school.
You also help people as a private detective.
Unlicensed.
You could get a license.
No, I already looked into it.
There is a lot of paperwork involved.
And you have to be a retired policeman or soldier.
I've never even worn a uniform.
As a child, I was too nervous to join the Boy Scouts.
Oh.
Okay.
I am the best thing in your life.
- I told you.
- ( Both laugh ) ( softly ) You're not even trying.
( Softly ) I am.
I'm meditating.
You said meditation is part of this.
It comes at the end of class.
I skipped ahead.
I'm a fast learner.
Hey.
Isn't Mecca that way? No, I get it, I get it.
We're cutting pages.
But I know that I can still put out a quality magazine.
Well, it's gonna be more than just cutting a few pages, George.
Every belt needs to be tightened.
No more lunches at the Four Seasons.
What? Oh, no no.
I've had a table in the Grill Room for 20 years.
It's where I had lunch with Saul Bellow, with Jackie O.
And no more things like "Oranjinah.
" This is the way I saved "The Dallas Monthly" and "The Salt Lake City Weekly.
" Well, that's great.
Those are wonderful magazines, but I need to be able to take people out to lunch.
- Like who? - Like important people my frien sources, important sources and contacts, - some of whom are my friends, yes - George.
You don't engage in that kind of journalism any more.
There's a lovely commissary on the third floor.
- There is? - Mm-hmm.
Look, I know it's a small thing, but I love Orangina.
So does the whole staff.
See, I was at the Sorbonne in 1969 and I had a French girlfriend, naturally.
And every time I have an Orangina, I go back in time to the Boulevard Saint-Michel.
George, stop it.
The publishing world has changed.
No more "Orjinah.
" Now about the board meeting, later today: They like to say a little prayer at the start.
- Don't let that throw you.
- Right.
Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but are you on the Christian right or are you just the hired fixer for all the magazines they buy? I fix, but politically, if you're interested, I'm not on the right, but I am a libertarian.
Sorry.
You know, most people think of me as an old-fashioned liberal, but I'm kind of a closet libertarian myself.
I'm fiscally responsible, but sexually out of control.
( Chuckles ) Okay.
( Buzzes ) (dings) ( lock buzzes ) So what do you like to do? Well, this is my first time, but I'm open-minded.
Do you offer, like, a prix fixe option like a tasting menu where I could try a couple of things? Sure, we can start with some basic beginner play.
Once the session starts, you're to call me Mistress Florence.
Really? Florence is my mother's name.
Oh.
You're an infantilist.
I'll go get some diapers.
No no, no diapers.
Just thought I'd mention it.
You know? Just a coincidence.
There aren't that many Florences.
There's Florence Nightingale, Florence the city in Italy which actually is "Firenze.
" Stop talking.
I'm gonna go get changed.
And when I come back, I want you naked, lying face down with your ass in the air.
(whip cracking, man whimpering ) Woman: Do not touch your penis! ( Door closes ) ( whip cracks, man cries out ) ( softly ) Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
( Phone rings ) Yes? She's, uh all tied up right now.
( Beeps ) - What the fuck are you doing? - Uh, nothing.
Uh, just thought we could role-play hide-and-seek like I did with my mom, you know, my first Mistress Florence.
I'm the one who dictates what goes on in our sessions, - you little castrato piece of shit! - Ow ow ow! Shut up.
But I do respect limits.
What's your safety word gonna be? - "Help"? - No, I prefer the word "eunuch.
" I think a one-syllable word like "help" might be better.
I can get it out quicker.
- Shut up.
- Ow! Leah: I just don't feel like you're interested in me.
You never want to know what I think about things.
- That is not true, Leah.
- To me it's true.
You don't care about what I care about.
I enjoyed the yoga class, okay? I'm looking forward to the sign language thing.
Look, I've been practicing.
Watch this.
It means "You stink after yoga class.
" It's not about taking classes, Ray.
You're the one that said we should do things together.
I did, but it's more than that.
( Sighs ) Look, I know that I don't really know how to say the right things.
( Stammers ) I just I go ahead.
I just think I need to be alone.
I went right from my marriage to being with you.
I haven't been on my own since I was like 20.
I don't know who I am.
Are you are you trying to break up with me? Yes.
- Why? - I'm sorry, Ray.
- I'm just not happy.
- But nobody's happy! My parents have been together for 40 years! They haven't been happy for a second! Ray, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go, okay? I just wanna be alone.
I'm gonna go.
( Sniffles ) ( paddle thudding, Jonathan grunting ) Eunuch.
Eunuch! - Eunuch! - What? I couldn't hear you.
( Pants ) I said eunuch.
You're supposed to hear a person's safety word.
I'm sorry.
Let's take a break anyway.
My arm's getting tired.
Was this leather suit washed since your last client? You can't wash leather.
That's true.
I do like the little leather footies.
It reminds me of the pajamas I wore as a kid.
I used to love to put them on after my bath.
Then I'd get to watch a little more TV.
You're a real Chatty Cathy, aren't you? - Sorry.
- It's okay.
You're cute.
So what do you do? You don't have to tell me, but I like to know my clients.
Well ( clears throat ) I'm sort of a struggling writer.
I recently had my second novel rejected.
I did just start teaching for the first time though last night.
- Really? Where? - Metropolitan Writers' Workshop.
They have those green boxes all over the city - with the brochures.
- I took a class there.
Maybe you could help me.
We could do like a barter thing.
I could give you a free session and you could read my manuscript? Well, maybe.
I'm telling you I have a great book in me.
My work? I mean, there's so many stories.
- Everyone's in so much pain.
- ( Thuds ) - Man: Everybody out in the hall! - What the fuck is that?! Woman: Florence, get out here, please.
- Tammy! - Man: NYPD! Okay, everybody.
It's the police! Move out in the hall.
Florence: Oh no no, not the cops.
Not the cops.
( All clamoring ) Florence: Guys, guys, go back in there.
( Clamoring ) ( hoof beats approaching ) Officer Drake, it's me, Jonathan! - Drake: Get on Doris.
- Doris.
- Did you destroy the hard drive? - Yes.
That's great.
- Why are you in leather? - I had part of a session with Mistress Florence.
- Oh, wow, I love her.
She's very sympathetic.
- ( Hoof beats clopping ) - Oh shit! You got to get down! - What? You can't take me back to Brooklyn? - I don't have my wallet! - That's not possible.
- I'm sorry.
Get down! - ( Grunts ) But what am I supposed to do? I don't know, but I can't let the other mounties see us together.
But I'm locked in this hood! I'll be sending you a bill for my expenses! Thank you! (growling ) Come on! ( Hisses ) Pay phones.
- ( Dial tone ) - ( Beeps ) - Operator.
- I'd like to make a collect call.
( Cell phone rings ) Hello? Yeah, I'll accept the charges.
- Ray, I need help! - Leah broke up with me.
- I'm back in the falcon hood.
- What? Leah broke up with me.
I'm back in the falcon hood.
I can't see anything.
It's like my eyes have been painted black.
( Babbles, whimpering ) Ray, that's terrible, but listen! - I'm trapped in a real hood! I I - Look, I gotta go.
I don't wanna cry on the phone.
I'm very lachrymose.
Listen, you're a good friend.
Okay, thanks for calling.
Ray! Ah! Man: How about that? Ah, whoa! Ah! Sorry.
Ah! ( Wheezing ) Ah! Man: George, we're very happy to welcome you and "Edition" to the Wellstone Media family.
Thank you.
I'm glad to be a new member.
- I feel like a baby.
- Good.
Well, it's our tradition to start our meetings with the Lord's Prayer.
- Yes.
- So - Oh.
- Our Father, Who art in heaven All: Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done - on earth as it is in heaven.
- ( Elevator dings ) I need to speak to Mr.
Christopher! I freelance here! George! George! - George, George! - ( Glass squeaks ) This intruder says he knows you, Mr.
Christopher.
I have no idea who this is.
- Call 911.
- No! George! Look, it's me! - It's Jonathan.
- Oh God.
Jona- ( groans ) Um, I'll take care of this.
Thank you very much.
This is a friend of yours, Mr.
Christopher? Uh he's a writer for the magazine.
Um, I'll be right back.
Finish the prayer without me.
I am fighting for the life of this magazine and you show up like this dressed in an S&M snorkeling outfit? I was undercover on a case in an S&M dungeon.
I lost my wallet and my cell phone.
I had no choice.
George, I'm sorry.
Just wait in there.
I'll be right back.
Wait wait wait, wait, George.
Can you get me out of this hood? I'm locked in.
Oh G Jeez.
What am I gonna do with you, Jonathan? Were you guys Praying in there? Just turn around.
I think Leah broke up with Ray.
What? Oh no, that's terrible.
I hope he'll be all right.
Hey, did you make an appointment at the urologist? No, not yet.
If I hurt you, let me know.
This hood is really locked on.
If you hurt me, I'll say eunuch.
- What? - It's my safety word.
Eunuch! Do you love me Like I love you? That you need me Like I need you too That you love me Like I love you That you need me Like I need you too Hand in hand, it feels so right Each time it's something new I understand that we're coming from The same point of view And you love me Like I love you And you need me.