Britannia (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

All right, who wants to go first? Britannia is a cursed land ruled by the dead.
In a few hours' time, 20,000 men will set sail to Britannia.
You've come to occupy us? We've come to work with you.
You don't defeat these people by fighting their warriors you defeat them by fighting their gods.
Are you threatening the Druids? Guards of Britannia, I am Rome and where I walk is Rome.
We don't need you.
We don't want you.
You will stand down your army.
- Go! - No! You can lick my crack.
What's a Roman? The Romans are devils.
They're the foot soldiers of Lokka the Great Earth Demon.
Well, that sounds scary, doesn't it? - So, what's the mission? - Isn't it obvious? Stop the Romans, send them home, kill the General.
Such a stupid question! Fire! - Mighty Lokka - Forward! We are rising.
Do you have any idea the power you're up against? Come and get me, you fucking snake! Take them! Gods don't deal, Rome.
The gods don't deal.
It is her.
Hope is the daughter of a blind father.
It turns out, you're not a pointless little pain in the arse.
It seems I was wro wr wr I was wro You were wr wrong.
- Just shut your mouth.
- Thank you.
Out of my way! Move.
Is he dead yet? Still going.
He's drawing a crowd.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm starving.
Let's stick one in him, have an early supper? Death by crucifixion.
It's in the orders.
What about my orders? - That happened first.
- What did? We agreed.
Whoever made tribune first wouldn't be a prick.
Yeah.
Come on do the poor lad a favor.
All right.
Why are you people still here? Nothing to see here.
Bugger off! Do you like what I've done with the place? All local stone.
The best part is I can come in here, lie back and the outside world just disappears.
- I do love a bath.
- This was a sacred place.
These waters are warmed by mighty Sulis.
Well, he's doing an excellent job.
This is a blessed day, Chieftains.
This day our emperor, your emperor, is visiting this province.
Now, - I'm sure I can trust you all - Before we discuss your emperor, we have grievances to air.
Important grievances.
Of course you do.
I can smell the old bitch from here.
- I'm Queen Amena of the - We know who you are.
What do you want? To pay respects to your mother, the queen.
My mother loathed the Cantii.
You the worst.
A moon has passed, - yet still she lies unburied.
- We await the Druids.
Well, then you clearly haven't heard.
The Druids have abandoned us.
Vanished.
- Scattered to the winds.
- Liar.
- I told you - Shut your mouth! If I'm wrong, where are they? Why would Queen Amena speak ill of the Druids? Is it because the gods wouldn't, in a thousand moons put a crown upon her head.
And if they didn't, who did? A Roman devil.
Twenty-feet tall, spitting fire, with a big scaly dick.
You get a herring each and then you leave.
It starts with taxes, then day by day, they'll bleed you white.
It's true, the Romans tax.
But it's agreed.
- Negotiated according to trade.
- Let them come.
- Their heads will decorate our ramparts.
- Derog No! - Listening to a Roman whore.
- This is about our future.
Fuck the future.
She's good on her back, this one, and nothing more.
Now eat your fish and go.
Your lies are turning my stomach.
Never easy, brothers.
- I am my brother's equal.
- Would the Druids agree? When the time comes? Which it won't, because they're not coming.
The problem here isn't who sticks mom in the sea.
It's what happens next.
To you, your tribe Who would you have decide that? A god? A Druid? Or you? Who is going to be king, Halwyn? - That is for the gods to - Halwyn Who is going to be king? Three families were killed by your soldiers.
They were trying to worship our god, Taranis.
It's a foul business and I'm glad you bring it up.
Because stopping such mix-ups is the reason I've invited you all here.
- These are our lands, our gods.
- But you are part of the empire now.
We want you to be free to worship your gods in any way you choose.
All we ask is you call them something we recognize, a Roman name.
But the names of the gods are sacred.
- What's your wife's name? - He has five wives.
One will do.
- Vanna.
- Vanna.
So, Vanna comes home one night and she says from now on, she wants to be called Dudunda.
She still looks like Vanna, talks like Vanna, she's still warming your bed.
This Taranis of yours, is the king of the gods.
Well, our king of the gods is Jupiter.
How many arms does this Jupiter have? Taranis has eight and six cocks.
How about Vulcan? He's quite a sight.
Fierce, lots of arms.
He'd be a match for Taranis.
- Does he have six cocks - Wait.
Stop, stop! Are you pissing in my bath? - No.
- You are.
You are doing that face.
- I'm not.
- Nobody pisses in my bath.
Nobody.
I swear by Taranis.
Oh, I think you mean Vulcan.
I swear by Vulcan.
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it? Forgive me, Mother.
You fool.
King Halwyn Welcome to the future.
Come on, lads.
General? We won't find the girl this way.
We need to widen the net.
General, the emperor's caravan approaches.
Thank you, Decanus.
Go to the villages, every settlement in the territory.
Knock on doors.
- What shall I do with the captives? - Get rid of them.
- Queen Amena.
- Perfectis.
I want 100 horsemen ready by nightfall.
Aye, General.
- You have a new ally.
- Defed Derog.
Derog of the Demetae.
Halwyn of the Demetae.
- Isn't he the stupid brother? - Well, now he's the useful brother.
- I thought we were going for Derog.
- Derog wasn't king material.
- Derog's a warrior.
A legend.
- Derog's dead.
Oh, that does tip things in Halwyn's favor.
I'm sure he'll do an excellent job.
A hundred horsemen.
Excuse me? I couldn't help overhearing.
Exciting.
Is there something afoot? Now, now.
Just because we share a bed I wasn't prying.
I just feel as your ally, has someone upset you? Are you going to ride in and burn their village? Who, me? You misunderstand me, Your Majesty.
I'm looking for something.
Something that belongs to me.
Something I want very, very badly.
And what do you want very, very badly? I'll tell you what I don't want right now.
Emperor Claudius, welcome to Britannia.
I trust your journey was a pleasant one.
The whole country's a toilet.
Where's your physician? - Physician, my Lord? - Yes, man.
A doctor.
Is my Emperor unwell? Comfy, they said, fit for a god.
That fat beast's got a backbone like a battering ram.
I've been on it for five-fuck-arse minutes, I've got the shakes, the voices, my head is on fire, and I've got piles to my fucking ankles.
- Commander, a physician.
Now! - Fucking Jupiter! - Take care, would you? - I'm doing my best.
So, come on.
What have I missed? All Cantii and Iceni lands are pacified.
Rebels fled north, the Ninth pursued and annexed any sympathetic tribes.
My apologies, Caesar.
Our control of Britannia now stretches from the southern coast to Lindum Colonia in the north, to the mountains.
- Meanwhile the Atrebates - Fucking I tell you this arse is shot.
I'm thinking of closing it and opening a new one nearby.
A thousand miles.
Province after dull fucking province.
Little did I know, I'd swap them all for this place.
In the pantheon of "Right Shit Holes", Britannia is up there.
Britannia is strange, my Lord.
First you think, "This is a bit weird.
" But slowly, very slowly it grows on you.
You watch.
Hm.
Fuck arse! - What's this? - Ah! The locals wish to consecrate a temple in your honor.
Is that it? So far.
Yes.
Domitius, write this down, "The temple was hewn from marble.
400 cubits by 800-fuck-arse-cubits, - trimmed in silver and alabaster.
" - Yes, Lord Caesar.
Why isn't this place finished? You've been here two years.
The invasion is proving a little more arduous than we'd hoped.
The road to glory is a long one.
Speaking of long roads, you're going home.
My Lord? I'm to be given a triumph, the conquering of Britannia.
You're my mascot.
The golden boy.
- Big show, you'll enjoy it.
- I'm being recalled to Rome? Don't sound too grateful.
Indeed, Lord Caesar, it's just - The resistance here is - No buts, General.
Your work here is done.
Congratulations.
You're going home.
Who's this? Queen Amena of the Cantii.
One of our most loyal and obedient allies.
My Lord Caesar.
Such an honor.
There it is.
My silver house.
At least something here is ready.
How do I look? Imperious.
Divine, my lord.
Come now, Queen Amena.
- Divine is a trifle strong.
- Are you not a god, Lord Caesar? Of course, I'm a fucking god.
You saw me.
- I was on an elephant.
- You looked celestial.
It's critical we explain to the emperor that I need to stay here when he returns to Rome.
The emperor is adamant.
You're central to his triumph.
- The jewel in his crown.
- That's all very flattering, but there won't be a triumph if I don't remain here.
- And why is that? - The Druids.
Druids - The Druids, my Lord - The Druids are the force in this land.
They control the hearts and minds of the people.
How? - With magic.
- Magic? I don't care if it's real.
The point is the people believe it and they will kill for it.
- I've established relations - Do you want to see some magic, General? See this? Just shiny metal.
But everyone believes in it.
They'll work their lives away.
Betray friends.
Kill.
I have more legions than any emperor ever commanded.
But my greatest weapon? Save your tales of "Magic" for the Senate.
They will add such spice to my Triumph.
Nothing.
He just sits there.
Come.
He must not be disturbed.
Night after night, we dance to help Veran hear the god's will and for what? Must we wait until the forests are all raped? The land, the desert.
- When will they speak to him? - Do you doubt Veran? Do you never doubt Veran? Why did he let the girl go? We had her.
We could've protected her.
Schooled her.
She would've grown strong and now where is she? Out there alone.
With a mad man.
With Pwykka.
I brought my people more than 200 miles.
Why did he let the girl go with her? Why? You hated me when I first came.
You were a pain.
A spoilt little baby.
- Were you a goddess or a princess? - I was confused.
You're still confused.
- Ow! - These don't flow.
These are backwards.
You're better than this.
Focus.
The second man has returned.
For five moons, we have gathered to know the god's will.
It is time.
Time for the trees to become arrows.
The stones, spearheads.
The meadows, lakes of fire.
The moon will find Lokka where he hides and the sun will burn out his eyes.
The time has come for the druids to fight.
There is one who walks this land, sent by the gods.
A child.
Only through her shall this land be saved.
She must pass many trials.
But if she is indeed the child of the gods, she will grow stronger than kings, wiser than druids, and she will lead us into the light.
Our faith has been rewarded.
The true path shown.
The truth is, I I never felt so afraid.
Earlier, I went into Veran's cave.
There on the ground I - I saw something.
- What did you see? It was drawn in the dust.
Quane.
Quane, tell me.
The snake with the sign of the dead man.
The horsemen are ready, General.
All one hundred.
Stand them down till morning.
I've got bigger problems.
Queen Amena.
Why don't you tell us more about these druids? - The one the general is so afraid of.
- The druids are whores.
- Their time is over.
- See, General? And she should know.
The druids have power over the rebel tribes.
If that power finds a focus, Domitius will be writing a very different story.
Do you take me for a scribe, General? I am no scribe.
Then what are you, Domitius? His father is a very powerful senator.
- Well, I just won a bet.
- Now, now, General.
He is my eyes and ears.
You should beware him.
Look at him, squirming like a squid.
My generals love to think they're special.
Like prize bulls.
They have rings through their noses though, for me to tug on.
What do you think of my prized bull, Amena? - General Aulus is a great man.
- But not a god, eh? Lord Caesar, I beg you to reconsider my posting.
The very fate of the occupation is at stake.
I've been many places, fought many battles for the Empire.
The battle, the true battle does not always unfold upon the field.
Defeat a hundred armies.
Subdue a continent.
Sometimes it is the one man you need to fear.
The one who can stir the dead tear down temples shift the pillars of time.
That's where the true danger lies.
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
Do you remember Golgotha, General? The place of skulls.
Ten or 15 years ago.
I remember it.
What of it? Well, I must say, General, you, sir, are a total mystery.
Here we are, a dank, gray hell pit on the edge of the world - No offense.
- None taken.
And you're fighting tooth and bollocks to stay.
I wonder what can be keeping him here, eh, Amena? To going home.
Eh, General? - To going home.
- Home, Lord Caesar.
Let me show you a little bit of home.
Sit, child.
We must prepare to leave this place.
Now the gods have spoken.
There's no time to lose.
- You should try to sleep.
- I've been asleep for months.
It's good to smell the air, the breeze.
The journey ahead is a journey into darkness.
The Druids may not survive but we must ensure that the light prevails.
Veran Was there anything else you saw? What do you mean? Other visions, other signs? The way is revealed to Veran alone and Veran reveals the way.
- Yes, of course - There is no road back.
- Speak, child.
- Quane said he saw something drawn in the dirt.
Quane was mistaken.
There was no sign.
Fit for an emperor? It will most certainly do.
- How about a god? - Now, now, you know the new rules.
The Senate can't hear us all the way over here.
I know it.
You know it.
The gods know it.
You're divine.
Go on, I dare you.
All right then.
I'm a god.
- Louder.
- I'm a god! Bollocks.
- Excuse me? - A toast! - To your divine victory.
- My divine victory.
You see, it isn't your victory.
It isn't your victory because it isn't your war.
What did you say? Having trouble hearing? Seeing? I've drunk too much.
I don't feel well.
That's because I've poisoned your wine.
It's all right.
Don't be scared.
Soon you'll fall asleep.
But before you do, know this.
You are not a god.
You are a fat, inadequate, slobbering mark.
A stand-in.
I I don't feel very well.
You have no idea what game you're in.
Where you are, who you are.
The forces at play here.
Taxes, victory parades.
You think that's why I'm here? I'm fighting a different war.
The last war.
And in that war, I'm in charge and I always was.
Let me introduce myself.
I am Hell.
Where I walk is Hell.
Guards! Guards! - Keep him like that.
- Yes, General.
- Close the perimeter.
No-one leaves.
- All right, General.
- What happened? - The emperor has been poisoned.
Stop! You'll kill him.
The sign of the snake has not been seen for 10,000 years.
I don't understand.
Why would Veran lie? Can you hear me? Can you hear me, brother? Did you miss me, brother? Well, I'm back.
So listen very carefully now.
I will find her.
We should've kept her with us.
We could've protected her.
She's just a lamb.
She She's not ready yet.
Today No.
No, no, no No, no, no Oh, shit.