Californication s02e01 Episode Script

Previously on Californication I'm having what you might call a crisis of faith.
To put it simply, I can't write.
You have this incredible talent, and you're just flushing it down the toilet.
Maybe you're right.
I'm fucked up right now.
- I need you.
- No, I'm getting married.
- Is Dad a bad person? - No.
Not at all.
I mean, he does have a habit of getting into trouble sometimes.
Fuckin' fucker! Get on with your life.
And forget about the woman you didn't want to marry.
As your friend and agent, may I suggest you start looking for a nice girl.
What is your name, by the way? Wouldn't you rather just fuck me? I'm a scientologist, Hank.
So, you're the famous writer, huh? This is Mia, Bill's daughter.
She's 16.
What happened the other night will never happen again.
I know you guys aren't gonna live happily ever after.
It's just nice to be together sometimes.
I want to go back and do it all over again.
I'm gonna marry Bill.
- I wrote something.
- You what? - Hank wrote a new book? Can I read it? - I don't think that's appropriate.
What did you write? An older man unwittingly beds an underage girl.
I wrote this novel.
- This woman's written the book of the year.
- Is that right? If I say anything, there's no stopping her from telling Karen.
Fuck, the police.
If anyone knows of a reason why this couple should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
What? - Wait! Hank! - You sure? Quick, before I change my fuckin' mind.
Karen, wait! Come back! Are you ready? Fuck, no.
You are gonna be so glad you did this.
I don't want to talk about it right now.
I've got a godlike erection.
Seems a shame to waste it.
We got to get going.
Really? You'd deny a dying man his final meal? Oh, my God.
You're gonna milk this for all it's worth, aren't you? Absolutely.
Don't make me beg.
It's unseemly.
- Fine.
You better make it snappy.
- Oh, you won't feel a thing.
I promise.
- Oh, what are you doing? - Just assuming the posish.
Oh.
Oh, hot diggety.
- What are you doing? - I'm assuming my posish.
Get a rubber.
One more time.
Come on, what's the big deal? That's my point exactly.
I'll pull out and hose you down.
Is that supposed to turn me on? Maybe.
- Did it? - Not so much.
You better start talking dirty.
This could take a while.
OK.
- What do you want me to say? - Right before you come .
.
call me Bill.
- Who says I'm gonna come? - Ooh, a challenge.
Game on.
Get ready for Thor's hammer.
- You want to see it? - See what? The section of the vas def I just cut out.
vas definitely not.
If it feels like I'm sewing the flesh at the base of your penis back together, that's because I am.
Why do you look like a welder? You're not welding anything, are you? - So, why the vasectomy? - I hate the rubbers.
Yeah, me too.
Can't feel a damn thing.
Try not to give the guy a hard-on, OK? That would be messy.
Looks like there's a new Pope.
Pain and swelling, totally normal.
A bag of frozen peas should do the trick.
Some prefer edamame.
It's totally up to you.
No sex for 48 hours, and that includes masturbation.
After that, the more the better.
Seriously.
You still got a lot of viable sperm up in there.
Got to get it out somehow.
If you need any help, let me know.
Great-looking cock.
Thank you.
Don't think I don't see what's happening here.
Oh, what's that? You're not attracted to me anymore.
That's right, that's right.
I ran away with you on my wedding night because you just don't do it for me anymore.
Yes.
See, on a purely chemical level, you realise that I can't impregnate you any more.
The biological imperative has been compromised.
You should consider yourself lucky that we're even having sex.
Oh, I do.
I do.
And it's been rad.
You know, I forgot what a little hellcat you can be.
No, no, no, no.
Please, don't do that.
- No, that was gross.
- Seriously.
Man should not meow Ever.
We're doing what couples do, Hank.
We're making responsible, grown-up decisions.
Together.
- Why are you smiling like that? - How am I smiling? Like a retard.
It was just nice to hear you refer to us as a couple again.
- Sounded good.
- Wow They really did neuter you, didn't they? Kiss the eunuch.
- Oh, honey! God.
Don't grind.
No grinding.
- I know, but I forgot.
I'm so sorry.
How's the package? This is not a conversation I ever wanted to have with my daughter, but thanks for asking, sweetie.
- She called.
- She who? That real estate whore.
She's bringing some people by.
Language, young lady.
Next time she tells me to clean my room, I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady!" And give her a titty twister.
As much as I'd like to see that, the idea is to sell this place and get out of dodge.
If you tidied up your shrine to Norwegian death metal, it might facilitate things a little bit.
I don't want to help sell the place because I don't want to move.
This is our home.
We're happy here.
I love L.
A.
She's your daughter.
Hey, honey, not that I mind having this conversation for the 73rd time this week, but could we do it maybe when Daddy's balls don't ache so much? And it's black metal, not Norwegian! She needs more time.
No, Karen, we have discussed this like the responsible parents that we are.
New York will always be there for us.
You agreed she'd be better off in New York.
But we don't have the right to yank her away from the only life she knows.
Damn it.
I need a cigarette.
How about a vicodin? Oh, I like-o-din.
Well, that'll do.
My poor little gelding.
That's mean.
Karen.
Karen! Peas! Or edamame! That is nice.
Make yourself at home.
Mi casa es su casa.
Might want to start out at the patio, though.
Hey, big fella, you think I might get my hands on some frozen veggies there? I think you should wait your fuckin' turn.
You.
Me.
- We - Sure did.
- Couple of times, actually.
- Long time ago.
In a galaxy not so far away.
So, what's going on? Oh, not much.
I'm just, uh, you know, in the market for some frozen peas, maybe some edamame.
Totally up to me.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
Why? I'm fine.
I don't know, you seem like you're in pain.
No more than usual.
How you doing? Same old.
Livin' la vida loca.
True dat.
It's hard out there for a pimp.
So Do you want to get high and listen to some records? Oh, dear.
Would that I could but big life changes since last we made the love.
Got back together with the ex.
Baby mama.
It's on.
That's too bad.
You were a great lay.
That is so sweet of you to say.
I will tell the old lady you said so.
Be well, Hank.
You too .
.
surfer girl.
What are you, some kind of pussy? She would have totally fucked you.
- I don't do that anymore.
- You should do that while you still can.
You never know when you're gonna wind up in one of these.
You don't really need that thing, I bet.
You just like to zip around in it.
- Makes you feel special.
- Oh, yeah? You ever hear of a prolapsed rectum? Asshole.
Rectum? Damn near killed him.
Hello? Yeah? No.
Oh, she was there when I left.
You, Becca.
- In the car, now.
- Dad.
I'm not fuckin' around! Now! So, who is this, like, your dad? Go away.
I'm serious.
I'll kill you.
Your dad's kind of a dick.
Kind of? I don't want her hanging out here.
What am I supposed to do, kick her to the curb? - She's my little pseudo-sister.
- What is this? It's not a memoir.
It's a written account of my sexual relationship with you.
Written by me as a fuckin' novel.
Even I'm confused, and I stole the damn thing.
Well, I hope you're enjoying it.
I hope all my hard work is paying off for you.
- Is it? - It is, very much so.
Just as I hope you're enjoying my father's wife.
- He says hi, by the way.
- He doesn't.
Are you all right here? You're all alone, and I Much as it warms the cockles to hear you say it, I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
Worry about the Becca.
She's pissed off and she's scared.
Scared? Think about it.
She got what she always wanted, the happy ending to beat all happy endings.
She's just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to fuck it up, or for Karen to realise she made a big mistake.
Both have been known to happen.
Goddamn it, I need a cigarette.
Goodbye.
I know you're pissed at me.
I know your mother and I have done some unforgivable shit to you, and I know you're rapidly approaching that age where the thought of having a conversation with your father makes you nauseous.
But I just want you to know that I'm not gonna quit trying.
OK? Cos you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
And I love the shit out of you.
How's the balls? The boys have seen better days.
Thank you.
Was that a laugh? My pain is funny to you? Jesus, you're just like your mother.
You should know what that woman put me through.
It is a hideous, barbaric almost medieval procedure.
Hank, you're preaching to the choir, OK? I've been there.
Really? You've been vasectomised? Why do you think we don't have any little rug rats? I guess I just always assumed you were barren.
Asshole.
- Hey, be nice to my wounded soldier.
- He started it.
Or the bald eagle was shooting blanks.
That I am, my good man, ever since the snip, snip, snip.
- Well, the second one.
- Shh! You're gonna freak him out.
What do you mean "the second one"? The second what? You know, they Sometimes, uh - It doesn't take.
- Doesn't take? - That's not cool at all.
- Sometimes you got to do it again.
I did not have a perfectly good chunk of my vas def cut off so I could go back to wearing condoms like some pimply-faced teenager.
- I love the rubbers.
- Why? Why do you love rubbers? They slow me down, man.
Keep me in the game.
Retard sensation.
- He's an excitable boy.
- That's right.
Are you intimating that he ejaculates prema-charlie? - Nice.
Thank you.
- Great, right? Why would you guys want to go back - to that disgusting city of yours? - Oh, don't bring that up.
- It's because it's a city.
- Oh, come on.
Can I have a white wine? Yeah Sonja.
Hey.
Hank.
Awkward.
- Karen.
- Hey, Karen! - Hey, look.
- Hey, Sonja.
Nice to see you again.
I found something that works better.
You mean you found something better than a pseudo-religious cult founded by a lunatic sci-fi hack? Do tell.
Well, it's a little complicated over drinks.
But maybe lunch tomorrow? It's been too long.
- Sure.
- Wait, hold on a second.
I'm not sure how I feel about two ladies with whom I've made the love lunching together.
Hank.
OK, I'm pretty sure I feel pretty good about it.
It's cute.
You guys are officially back together? For now.
Until we fuck it up, right? - Could be any second now.
- No.
- Dude, Julian's a writer, too.
- Really? My condolences.
He wrote The Artist Within.
Fucking genius.
- No way.
- Check, please.
- Hank, that's rude.
- I'll send you guys a copy if you want.
No need.
I have it on my nightstand right now.
I love it.
Let me try to understand this.
Hold on a second.
You write about what it's like to be an artist? - Don't be a douche, Hank.
- You ask the impossible, sweetheart.
No, it's fine.
The negativity is It's normal.
What I write about is accessing the artist that exists inside every single one of us.
It really works.
I've never been happier.
My business has never been better.
I'm thinking of expanding, bringing on an architect.
We should talk.
So, you really believe that everybody on this planet has an artist inside them, like, an inner Schnabel, if you will? I do.
Which means you must consider yourself an artist.
I like to think of myself as more of a creative midwife.
Well, I like to think of myself as having a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so.
- Oh, my God.
- Two inches shy.
Well, we have to get going, baby.
- Fashionably late is one thing - Oh, right.
You know what? We're going to this party up in Laurel Canyon.
You guys want to come? You would fucking love this house.
- A party? Even us? - Yes, even you.
- Fuckin' A, let's go.
- No, but have fun.
I quit smoking.
Wow.
Look at you.
No, I'm good, thanks.
What, did you give it up for Lent? No, I'm I'm pregnant.
- You didn't notice my bump? - I did.
I just thought you put on weight.
- No.
- I'm kidding.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Yeah, we're very happy.
Well done, lady.
Last time I saw you, you were boning a degenerate doggy-style and projectile-vomiting all over Bill's bedroom.
Two things which I totally dug about you.
- Was that me? Wow.
- Yeah, don't ever change.
- What the hell? - What? Shooting cock pain.
I got to go.
- Good to see you.
- OK.
Yeah.
My mama! What the fuck? I leave you alone for two seconds.
You're not supposed to do that.
- Why not, Daddy? - You know why not.
I know, but Just look how nice they look.
Pretty little maids all in a row.
Just You want to go back to Promises? Come on.
Don't you remember .
.
how good the sex used to be when I used to sprinkle it on your naughty bits? I seem to recall something vaguely pleasant about the sensation, yes.
What do you know, you're without "the artist within".
Must be lonely.
You must be jealous.
That's kind of cute.
Come on.
We got to go.
Hank? I am so touched by what you did for me today.
I am.
Yes, but What I did for you today means that I can't do this or anything like it for the next 48 hours.
Oh, yeah.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Jeez, I like you stoned.
You do? I like you liking me stoned.
- Holy shit.
- What? - I think you're giving me a boner.
- That's great news.
It is great news.
No, no, it is.
I just I'm afraid I might pop a stitch.
- Come here.
- No, no.
I want to check it.
I'll be right back.
I don't want you to see him like this.
It could be bloody.
What are you doing? Assuming the posish.
Feel free to start without me.
Hey, you got a rubber? I think I got the Ramses in my wallet from high school, but I'm pretty sure it's expired.
- Hand it over.
- I was kidding.
Fuckin' chick is insisting I wear a rubber.
What is that all about? - That's not very rock 'n' roll.
- Not at all.
If it's dark enough, you could rip open an Alka-Seltzer.
- And bang her with it? - No.
It'll create the illusion that you're wearing a jimmy hat.
David Copperfield does it.
Not on stage.
- Thanks, man.
- You know, I was kidding.
Hey, asshole! Hey! Hello? Karen! Karen! Karen! Hey, anybody got an Alka-Seltzer? Lew! This fucking perv just tried to mouth-rape me! Really? What the fuck, dude? You're a guest in my home, and you go mouth-rape - What's your name, sweetheart? - Destiny.
Felicity.
Come on, there was no raping.
I wasn't raping.
I'm not a rapey kind of guy.
Karen! I was looking for you.
There you are.
God! Tell him I'm not rapey.
I accidentally went down on her.
What? How do you accidentally go down on someone? Big house, a lot of rooms, it was dark.
I went to the bathroom, got turned around and accidentally went down on her.
I buy it.
Sell it to her.
So I seem to have procured a little prophylactic.
I'll get the car.
I know, I smell like pussy.
I'm sorry, Karen.
I'm very sorry.
That was an honest mistake.
You just had your mouth on another woman's vagina? Yes, I did, but the moment my tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours.
- Shut up.
- It wasn't perfect.
I could pick your pussy out of a police line-up of pussy.
I could.
You know, if your pussy was ever arrested, God forbid, and had to be identified in some kind of line-up, I would get it right away.
"Pussy number 2, step forward, turn profile.
That's Karen.
" Oh, my God.
I must have been fucking crazy thinking things could be different.
Fuck me! Don't start saying things you can't take back.
I don't want to take it back.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
- You do.
- Don't tell me what I mean.
- Good evening, sir, ma'am.
- Good evening.
- You know why I stopped you? - No, I don't, sir.
Educate me, Officer - Dick? Really? - Shut up.
- Hank, shut up.
- Officer Dick.
That was mean.
That was really a low blow.
- Coming from the mouth rapist? - You have a headlight out.
It's been that way for months, but tonight I get stopped, of all nights.
Just my fuckin' luck! - Cos it's all about luck.
It has nothing - Can we just sleep on this? Is there a reason you're not wearing a shirt, sir? Yes, there is, officer.
There's a very good one, and I couldn't even begin to explain.
No.
Try, try.
See if he thinks it was an honest mistake.
OK, one more time, for the cheap seats.
What happened there could have happened to anybody! Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vagina! Shh! I'm sorry.
He's been drinking.
What the fuck, Karen? - Have you been drinking, sir? - Hours ago.
But not to excess.
I don't do that anymore.
I mean, I do, but not nearly as often as I used to.
And he's been taking vicodin.
Come on, now.
That's Karen.
I know you're pissed at me for going down on that woman, but are you trying to get me thrown in jail? - Shut the fuck up.
- Step out of the car.
Hold on, sir - Out of the car now.
- You just caught us at a really bad time.
Excuse me for saying so, ma'am.
You don't have to put up with this kind of behaviour.
- I know.
He's - You just mind your own fuckin' business! Excuse me, sir? All due respect, Officer, but aren't you stepping outside the job description? I didn't know you guys had the right to editorialise.
Have you been smoking marijuana, sir? - One hit.
One! - OK, let's go.
Turn around.
You can't arrest somebody for being a wiseass.
No, but I certainly can for driving under the influence.
Officer, excuse me.
This is just, like, a big misunderstanding.
Of course it is.
OK? The thing that I can't understand is what a woman like that is doing with a prick like you.
She's got to have a screw loose, right? Maybe that's how you like 'em, right, a little crazy? Maybe if you go down on her a little more often Hank! What the Hank! No! No! Not the balls! Rip: DevilsBackbone