Call Me Kat (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Okay, so you remember last night at the cat funeral? I was mad at Oscar because he said that Mr.
Meowskers was "just a cat," but, of course, Max handled it perfectly.
But then Oscar saved the day because he drove to Chicago to get the cat's ashes, and then Max said he wanted to kiss me.
- Wait, what?! - Yes, Max! Max! Max! Max! Ma-ax! Okay, okay, I'm all Maxed out.
Sorry, I was up all night.
I'm hopped up on coffee.
- Are you done with this? - I just got it.
All right, come again.
My heart's going a mile a minute, I need to slow down.
Do you want me to slap you? No, 'cause you never take your rings off.
How could he do that to you? Who did what to who? Max told Kat that he wanted to kiss her last night.
(gasps) How romantic.
No, it's not! But she's liked Max forever.
But she has a boyfriend.
And Oscar is wonderful.
Yeah, but Max wears those tight jeans.
Well, Oscar has those delivery man calves.
Okay, stop! You sound like the inside of my head.
Look at you, Kat.
Two pigs nosing around your trough.
I know, I'm not used to having such a busy trough! Well, I say love the one you're with.
Please don't start singing.
What I have with Oscar is real.
You know, Max has been the dream for so long.
I say go with the dream.
I'm sorry, I don't like to get involved in other people's business, but I'm a big believer in dream-following.
He loves to get into other people's business.
Oh, my gosh.
You look just like Wait, are you ? - I'm not.
- He is.
And you're - She's not.
- I am.
(screams) Okay, wait, what's going on over here? These two were on my favorite TV show when I was growing up! I was on it, I was on it, too.
- I was on the show.
- Oh, which episode? All of them.
I was, I was the older brother.
Yeah, I'm not remembering that.
Oh, no, I get it, you know? She talked real fast.
He was an idiot.
I was just a boring, old, heartfelt, three-dimensional character, whatever.
Joey, I was so obsessed with you.
I had posters of you all over my room.
There was one where you were going like this.
I had that on the ceiling right over my bed.
Wow, that's flattering.
(laughs) - And disturbing.
- What are y'all doing in Louisville? Oh, we're here for a celebrity charity golf tournament.
You know, it's our way to give back, be part of the solution.
Plus I get balls with my face on them.
Is Matthew McConaughey gonna be there? I don't know.
Well, if if he is, would you tell him that Phil Crumpler is very sorry about what happened at the 1996 Tennessee State Fair? First thing I'll mention when I see him.
Any chance you'd do the dance with me? I know it by heart.
Oh, I only dance for money.
Wait, that came out wrong.
No, what I'm trying to say is is I only do it if I'm getting paid.
Damn it.
Why don't I take a picture of all of you together? - Oh, yeah, yeah! - Oh, a picture uh, okay, okay, here.
Use my phone, though, it's auto-set to accentuate my cheekbones.
Ooh, I'm gonna have Joey Lawrence's number when he sends it to me.
That's okay, you can use your phone.
KAT: Okay.
- All right, here we go.
- Um, wait, no, uh, - wait, I want to be next to Joey.
- Okay, oh! I'm gonna get cropped right out of this thing.
All right, one, two, three.
(laughter, clamoring) Um, so whatever happened to the girl with the flower hat? I heard she was hosting quiz shows.
Well, it doesn't matter.
The show was really just a vehicle for you.
You know, I always felt that way.
I got to tell you something, though, it's very nice to hear it from, uh, regular people.
Can I get you free refills on the house? - They're always on the house.
- Just let her have this.
- Coffee coming right up.
- Oh, hey! - She knows the dance.
- How about that! JOEY: Whoa, look at that, she knows the whole dance! - Oh, my goodness.
- Hey, wow.
(whooping) Pet some cats, you said.
It'll be relaxing, you said.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me.
This trash bag is overflowing like an outhouse in a rainstorm.
- Not it.
- Yes, you is "it.
" I had to take the trash out four times last week because you kept disappearing.
Where you been going anyway? It don't matter where I be going.
I'll take it out.
- Really? - Sure, I finished my coffee and if I go home now, it's just me and the emptiness of my declining years.
Look who I found with two paws in the catio and two paws on the sidewalk? Today is not the day for hijinks.
Sorry, Hijinks, not talking to you.
Houdini chewed through the screen again? Yes.
We need to keep the catio doors closed until he is adopted.
I mean, where are you going that's better than here? When I found you, you were eating scraps at the back of a Hooters.
And if that's not hitting bottom, what is? (phone ringing) Oh, shoot, it's Oscar.
What if he knows something's up? Don't answer.
Well, then he'll really know something's up, I love to answer the phone! Hi, boyfriend of mine.
My boo-thang, my booger-bear.
I thought we were gonna vet nicknames before we put 'em in the rotation.
Yeah, sorry, I don't know what I'm saying, too much coffee.
And a personal romantic crisis for which there is no precedent.
I just found out there's a meteor shower tonight.
And I thought maybe we could watch it on your roof.
- Hello? - Um - Kat? - Yeah.
I'm here, I'm here, uh that sounds really fun, yeah.
I'll, uh I'll meteor you up there.
I'll see you tonight, booger-bear.
Nope, still weird.
Hey, Kat, what muffin do you want tomorrow? - Blueberry or lemon poppyseed? - I don't know! How many decisions do I have to make in one day?! Wait, what are you over here yelling about? You're scaring the customers and the cats.
I'm sorry, just this whole Oscar-Max situation's got me "kerfuffled.
" Why don't you just take the day off? Why don't you take the day off?! You know what, I think I should take the day off.
Yeah, uh, Randi and I can handle the café.
Okay, thank you.
Here's the list of what I wanted to get done today and, and tell the cats I'm sorry.
And Mommy's not mad at them.
Ew! She really does handle all the gross stuff.
I don't even know what the "furry finger test" is.
Anything else I can do? You sure? Yeah.
I retired early.
Huge mistake.
Taking out that trash was the most rewarding thing I've done all week.
Well, I suppose we could find a few more things for you to do.
I'll get right on it.
Ooh, the shake and sniff! I can't wait to find out what that is! (whoops) I feel naughty.
Like when I used to put on one of Mama's cocktail dresses and smoke.
So you just walked up to her at her cat's funeral and said, "I want to kiss you"? I did, I wanted to say it, and I said it.
And? Nothing.
And then she avoided me the whole rest of the party.
And then this morning was weird.
You know, usually she's like You know, sometimes there's even a kick.
But - today she ducked.
- Mm.
Or tripped.
With her it's hard to tell.
And you're not used to hearing no.
Well, that's not true.
Hey, would you like another drink? I shouldn't.
(chuckles) Okay, maybe just one more.
See? This is why I hired a bartender with no experience.
You know Kat has a boyfriend.
Yes, I am aware of that.
But we have such an amazing connection.
And why wouldn't I want to be with somebody who makes me laugh and makes me feel good? - (phone dings) - (laughs) - What was that? - Nothing.
(laughs) Who are you texting with? Jimmy the beer guy.
Are you and Jimmy the beer guy having sex? Because that's your "I'm getting some" giggle.
All right, look, I'm gonna tell you something.
But you got to swear on the sanctity of our bromance that you won't say anything.
It's Randi.
Really? (both laughing) She said she would die of shame before she'd even give you the time of day.
I guess she lowered her standards.
Up top for lower standards.
For the first time in my life, I have two men interested in me, I just I don't know who to pick.
May I first say, bravo.
And second, you've come to the right place.
Are either of them old money? - No.
- New money? - No.
- Any money? Mother, you know both of them.
Forgive me for wanting you to be taken care of after I'm gone.
I own my own business.
And it's adorable.
Okay, come on, I need real advice.
Okay, fine.
Um well, maybe it's as simple as just imagining what your life would be like with each one of them.
Hmm.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
I picked up the antacids and scrunchies you asked for.
And I got you a Kit Kat.
Oh, I love foods with my name in them.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
Sorry I'm late.
I stopped a train from derailing, and saved these kittens.
BOTH: Aw! Oh, and I got you a Kit Kat.
Wow, thanks.
Hey, uh, what's for dinner? I was gonna make veggie burgers.
I was thinking I'd fly you to Japan for sushi.
And then to France for dessert.
Oh, so hard to choose.
I've got two kinds of mustard.
Did I mention I can fly? Hi, honey, I'm home.
Damn it, Joey Lawrence, don't make this harder than it already is.
Again, I can fly.
And we have reservations in Japan in six minutes.
Then I guess we should go.
How do I compete with that? You don't.
You want to take a selfie? I do.
(camera clicks) SHEILA: Katharine? Katharine? What were you doing? Oh, you said to imagine.
Oh, I meant on your own time.
That was boring for me.
Well - did it at least help? - No! Now I'm more confused than ever.
I'm sorry, honey.
The universe has a sense of humor though, doesn't it? All those years of pining over Max, then the minute you have a boyfriend, he's interested.
Come here.
Did my mother just say something helpful? - Hey.
- Hey.
Can I come in? Sure, yeah.
Can I get you some water? No, I need a clear head for this.
Right.
Something less strong.
Uh, tea? Coffee? No more caffeine.
I'm starting to smell colors.
Happy to see you.
Unless I'm not happy to see you.
I can't read your face.
And usually it's easy to read, it's basically a pop-up book.
I need to ask you something.
Okay.
Shoot.
Why now? Why after all this time, do you want to be with me? Uh well, because we are great together.
We're Kat and Max.
But we've always been Kat and Max.
Why now? I (stammers) Does it matter? I mean, it wasn't that long ago that you said you wanted to be with me.
And you said that we were better off friends.
What changed? (exhales) I don't know.
I guess, I guess I just saw you with Oscar - That's what changed! I have a boyfriend! - Whoa! - I have a boyfriend! - Okay, okay okay, but what's wrong with me not wanting to lose you? Max, I've been considering blowing up my entire relationship with a guy who makes me really, really happy.
You know what, I was gonna do that for a fantasy like, I don't even believe you can fly! But I know that Oscar has at least two kinds of mustard.
Okay, you're doing that thing again, where it makes sense to you, but not the person you're talking to.
You want to be with me because I'm not available.
Okay, that's harsh.
But I think it's true.
So you're staying with Oscar? I am.
Okay.
I'm sorry that I made things hard for you.
Well, it's kind of a nice change of pace.
I usually do it to myself.
(both laugh) Are we okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're fine.
I'm-I'm really happy that you're happy though.
Thank you.
Now I'm gonna go home and take a nap.
I've been awake for 30 hours.
And the paint on your walls is starting to smell like purple like, bad purple.
(door closes) Should we feel bad that Wyatt is doing all of our work? You heard him he retired too early.
If anything, we're helping him.
We're good people.
The best! What would you do if you retired? From what? I don't even know what I want to do with my life.
I thought you were going to art school.
Well, yes, but I still haven't decided what kind of art I want to do I mean, there's photography, painting, ceramics, sculpture I'm sure you'll figure it out, honey.
When, Phil? When?! All right, the floor is swept, litter boxes are scooped.
I had to wait for the orange one.
He sure takes his time.
Anything else before we close up? Unless you want to pick my major, that's everything.
Wait.
Why is the catio door open? Oh, no, oh, no.
In our haste to be lazy, we forgot to tell him about Houdini.
Well, maybe he didn't escape.
Of course he escaped! His name is Houdini! Here, kitty, kitty.
Houdini, we got tuna.
Smelly, fishy, disgusting tuna.
What are y'all doing out here? Tuna break.
Nothing like canned fish to top off the workday.
Mmm.
You want some? I'll join you tomorrow.
I hate tuna, but I hate being left out even more.
He's not in the dumpsters! I'll check the garbage cans out front! What was that? What was what? How you doing? I'm actually feeling pretty good I had a nice, long nap.
I had an apple with some almond butter.
Girl, I don't care about naps and nut butter! I'm talking about Max and Oscar.
Oh, oh, yeah, I've decided I'm staying with Oscar.
We're actually gonna watch the meteor shower later tonight.
I'm glad you figured that out.
You were scary today.
Hey, Kat.
Did you visit Max earlier? - Yeah.
- Had a nice little chat, did ya? I think it went pretty well.
Wrong! He just quit! - He quit?! - Yeah.
You owe me a bartender.
Well, if you can find Wyatt, he might do it.
(groans) What, do you have a key to the building? - (sighs) Can I come in? - No, I'm busy.
With what? You just quit your job.
Well, that news traveled fast.
- I think we should talk.
- I don't want to talk.
All right.
- Aha! Did the same thing with your doorman! - Ah! Slippery.
Wait.
What is all this? Where are you going? I'm gonna take off, give us a little space.
Oh, Max, don't do this.
I don't want to get in the way of you and Oscar being happy.
You can tell yourself that all you want, but when things get difficult or uncomfortable, you bolt.
- Do not.
- Oh, please, it's what you do! Get a D on a test, you drop the class.
That professor hated me.
One bad gig at a nightclub and you give up on music.
People threw fruit! Where did they even get fruit?! Then you run off to Paris, Brigitte breaks up with you, and you run back here.
How am I supposed to stay here after what I did? I mean, what do we do? Just pretend it never happened? Yeah, welcome to the last year of my life! When you rejected me, I was hurt and embarrassed, but I got through it.
And it was worth it because you are my best friend.
You're my best friend, too.
And if leaving is what you really want to do, I will support you.
But I would miss seeing you every day.
When you're not yelling at me, we do have a lot of fun.
So are we packing or unpacking? Unpacking.
Great.
And I'm sorry what is this shirt? That's a real panty-dropper in Budapest.
Oh.
I guess gravity works differently over there.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing up here? Mm, aren't we friendly? I'm waiting for my girlfriend, who's also a Kat a human Kat.
She's kind, beautiful, really funny She's also a little late.
Any idea where she is? Wait, am I supposed to follow you? Oscar, have you seen a black and gray cat? Yeah, he went that way.
You had him and you let him go?! I didn't know he was on the lam.
There he is! Don't you jump! That nine lives thing may not be true! BOTH: No! Oh, dang! Now he's on that ledge? And he's on the move.
You see, I try to like cats, I really do.
Maybe you're right.
I do run when things get tough.
Like I wish I'd stuck with songwriting.
You were really good at it, too.
I just, I got so tired of being rejected that I convinced myself I didn't really want it.
Well, you should try again.
I mean, think of all the heartache you've had this year.
Brigitte dumped you, I rejected you, you're unemployed.
That's, like, enough for a Taylor Swift album.
Only you can make those things sound positive.
Mm, positivity is my drug.
That and Christmas movies in July.
Just July? Okay, year-round.
I have a problem.
(chuckles) I hope Oscar knows what he's getting into.
Oscar! Oscar who's on my roof right now probably wondering where the hell I am! Got to run.
Glad you're staying.
Burn that shirt.
(door closes) Don't you listen to her you're awesome.
I don't know why I have to be the dangler! Because I have trust issues with you.
Randi, you're gonna fall back and Phil will catch you.
- Got it.
- One, two - three.
- Oh! Hey! Don't got it.
Just remember, you fell onto carpet.
I will become street pizza.
(singsongy): Houdini.
(giggles) Come here.
Damn it, Phil, why aren't you taller? My mother smoked! Kitty, kitty, kitt I got him! I got him oh! Don't got him.
Well this is a different kind of day.
I'm here, I'm here.
Oh, good, I thought you were gonna miss it.
(exhales) I wouldn't miss it for the world.
So it says here on your résumé that you quit your last job and you left your employer/friend high and dry.
I said I'm sorry.
It also says that your height and good looks are annoying.
Not the first time I've heard that.
Can I have my job back? No.
Okay, yes.
Damn that smile! So how was the golf tournament? Did you by chance get to talk to Matthew McConaughey? Gosh, you know, he was really busy.
Oh, yeah, that's okay.
I'm sure he's forgotten about it anyway.
(chuckles) Totally.
(laughs) You know, when I mentioned Phil's name, he threw his golf clubs in the lake and then he head-butted Ted Danson.
I can't believe they came back.
Should I pitch them my idea for a TV show? - No, you should not.
- But it's really good.
No, it is not.
Can you just try to be normal.
You know how hard that is for me.
It's really hard.
Oh, yay! Whoa, she's at it again! - Oh! - There it is.
I still got it.
I think I'm gonna adopt this fella.
Oh! Well, that's fantastic! Celebrity cat.
Hey, that would be a great show.
Normal! Well, we're gonna miss this little ball of fur.
Houdini's created quite a bit of excitement around here.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, come meet the stars of my favorite TV show when I was growing up.
Oscar, this is Joey and Jenna and Michael.
Right, right, Michael.
The older brother.
- Ah! - Nice to meet you all.
Nice meeting you, too.
Congrats on being chosen, man.
Thanks.
- Chosen for what? - Um, dodgeball.
We're thinking of starting a team.
Can you go grab me a coffee, please? Way to go, Joey Lawrence.
Ow! When I'm walkin' with you I watch the whole room change Baby, that's what you do No, my baby Don't play Blame it on my confidence Oh, blame it on your measurements Shut that down on sight That's right We out here drippin' in finesse It don't make no sense Out here drippin' in finesse You know, you know it.