Catastrophe (2015) s02e01 Episode Script

1 I've never had casual sex with a sober person before! - I'm pregnant.
- Did you just say "pregnant"? We're getting married.
I wouldn't have ordered this if it were on the menu but there was no menu.
You gullible American prick! You fucking in-bred shrew! GLASS SMASHES - I'm so sorry.
- My waters broke.
- My water's broken, it's too early.
- What?! Huh, I knew they were going to vote him out.
Well, congratulations, you're a psychic of garbage.
Why are we watching this? Cos Mad Men's finished and Game of Thrones isn't back on yet and there was nothing else.
Well, let's watch that then, let's watch "nothing else".
Let's have sex.
- I'll have to put my mug down.
- No.
My old lady bra turns you on? Fuck, yeah, it's like being in bed with one of my aunt's friends.
Feels dirty and wrong.
(SHE RETCHES) Hmm.
Can I I just need to watch like the first two minutes of this next episode, cos I want to see what the hardest challenge is.
Can you move your feet, that's really uncomfortable.
No.
Well, can you make your legs less heavy? Are you going to make me do it? Why did you move my legs like that? I'm sorry, I have a cramp.
You didn't say that, you hurt me.
I said it was uncomfortable, I didn't know I had to give you a diagnosis.
I asked you to move them and you didn't move.
That was just really aggressive! - It wasn't aggressive! - You're so aggressive! - I'm aggressive? - Aggressive! Aggressive it was even aggressive the way you said that, Mark Wahlberg.
I'm not aggressive.
When have I ever been aggressive to you? Erm, just now, the way you moved my feet.
I have a fucking cramp! Don't loom over me! Don't threaten me! What?! - Do you know what threaten means? - Yeah, and I felt threatened.
You felt threatened? What are you a blogger? "I felt threatened post.
" Fucking Syrians are threatened.
"I felt threatened.
" You live on a cream puff! You need to take a walk and just calm down.
OK.
Where are you going? - Out.
- Out, what are you a teenager? - I'm going for a drive.
- Bullshit, you're going to McDonald's.
- Fine, take your purse and get out of my house.
- This is my house.
I bought this house.
Fine, well, get off my rug that I bought in Amsterdam, where I had sex with a guy whose last name I didn't even learn.
Oh, like, I haven't done that with women.
Where's the fucking car?! Yeah, nice try, Jason Bourne.
Where's the car? - Sharon? - Maynold Street.
You couldn't find anything closer? No, there were lots of spots closer but I had 11 shopping bags and I'm nine months pregnant, so I fancied the fucking walk! Well, I don't, so I'm going to sleep.
Don't touch me.
You come anywhere near me, I'm going to scream.
Put your finger in my asshole.
How? THEY GROAN AND BREATHE HEAVILY HE SCREAMS Hey, are you OK, darling? Come here, honey.
I think I cut my effing eyebrow bone.
- DOG BARKS - Get down, Mable! Get down, Mable.
HE LAUGHS She's trying to bite the baby's toes again.
She's not biting them, she's licking them and he likes it.
Just because he likes it doesn't mean we should allow it.
That's how fetishes start.
Do you want him to have to pay hookers to lick his feet? Let's not send him on that path.
Have a great day, honey.
- You OK? - Mhm, yeah, I think so.
No baby today.
- Are you sure? - Mhm.
OK, I'm going to go.
Oh, what are we going to do about my mum? Well, let's just tell her no, because we've got a baby on the way.
She claims to want to help with the baby.
Well, we know that's not true.
She's going to make me take her places, she's going to make me take her to the M&M store in fucking Leicester Square.
Like they don't have M&Ms in America! Well, you tell me where you don't want to take her - and I'll tell her it burnt down.
- Our house tell her our house burnt down.
OK! Bring me back a surprise.
And as the fungus grows it takes over the ant's central nervous system, manipulating its behaviour.
It then kills the ant and a stalk emerges from the skull, which explodes, spreading the fungus much further, creating armies of, for want of a better term, zombie ants.
And this, in a sense, is what Brayban is seeking to do with our takeover of Nyromax.
PHONE RINGS - Can you see what I'm getting at here? - Shit! Sorry, I'm going to take this.
Did anyone else see that documentary? It was disgusting! I think the baby's coming.
Yeah, I think it's coming.
Hoooh! - You can't keep doing that.
- Twice.
I've done it twice and this time I genuinely felt really lonely and bored.
Did you check in on Frankie? - His little bum's still up in the air? - Way up there.
I gave it a little polish.
God, his little bum's too much.
Even his penis is cute - his little penis! - I love his little penis.
You don't think it's little, little though, do you? No, it's huge for a baby penis.
Is it? I'd hate if he had a small penis, is that bad? No, all mums want their sons to have a big penis.
You want your son's penis to inspire respect - and a tiny bit of fear.
- No, I just want it to be big enough so he doesn't have to worry.
I don't want him to be a folk legend or have to put out ads for women with big pussies.
Yeah, I don't want him to have to roam from city to city, using rural highways, in search of women who can handle his freakish penis.
HE WHISTLES Oh, he asked me to itch his bum earlier.
- Yeah? - But he meant inside it! He parted his butt cheeks and he asked me to itch it in it.
- What did you say? - I said no but I felt bad.
It's OK to say no when people ask you to do stuff to their private parts that you don't want to do unless it's me.
I've got to get back to work.
If we were to get Radiohead it would be the first time they've allowed one of their tracks to be used in a pharmaceutical ad targeted at children.
What about Coldplay? TEXT MESSAGE ALER - - Obviously, I've tried Coldplay but, you know, people can't buy the drug if they fall asleep during the commercial.
THEY SNIGGER Why would people fall asleep listening to Coldplay? Well, we could try Maroon 5.
ANSWER PHONE: You have one new message.
Where the fuck are you? The baby's coming! Fucking hell, where are you? No, no, no, this is my lift! SHE SCREAMS I'm so sorry! I thought you just wanted me to keep you company again.
Get them to cut it out of me, Rob! Caesarean me, please! - It's not too late! - It is too late, you're crowning.
- Push it back in and cut it out! - Is it definitely too late? Yes, it is.
I told you last time I wasn't doing this again! I don't like this.
- Nurse, she doesn't like this.
- Is it out yet? Oh, God! Oh, no, am I shitting myself now? Barely.
MUSIC: "Pop Music" by R Stevie Moore If you see a change, yes it's true I'm a useful man in these shoes Oh, fuck you, Craftmaster69! Whenever it's Hummel figurines, this piece of shit always outbids me! HE GIGGLES Do you eBay? Oh, Karen Are you going to cap it at two, then? - Cap it? - No, I'm going to cut it off.
I'm going to get snipped.
Don't say that.
What if it doesn't work out with Sharon and you meet a younger woman and she wants kids? That's exactly why I'm gonna do it, to remove the possibility of that nightmare ever happening.
I'm going to be a husband and a dad once, I'm going to do a good job and then I'm going to die.
Amen to that.
What about you? I'm going to keep going till I have a boy.
I'd be a great father to a son.
How do you guys not get pregnant? Same way I don't get the postman pregnant.
Fran and I haven't fucked in just over two years.
Why, man, can you not ? Yeah, but it doesn't get quite big or hard enough to bridge the fucking gulf that's opened up between us.
It would take at least ten very hard, very long penises.
I could walk across them like a tightrope, maybe, and I don't know, throw a handful of jizm at her.
Isn't that what Elton John does? Where is Fran today? We're not currently attending any public engagements together.
Barometrically, we combine to create an atmosphere that is somewhat shitty.
We flipped a coin for this one I lost.
- No offence.
- Ah, it seems like only ten minutes ago we were sharing one bedroom and a dildo above a Chicken Cottage.
- We never shared a dildo.
- That's what you think.
THEY LAUGH Oh, my God, I'm going to wet myself.
- It's OK, I'm wearing a nappy.
- Oh, God, you've got it all now.
Yeah, got two kids and a dog now, it's what I always wanted apparently.
Rob, he's looking a little tired, you might want to give him a teeny break from Frankie.
You know, I just realised who she reminds me of, Rob's father.
- Aww.
- To give you some context, you know the actor Gene Wilder? My baby doesn't look like Gene Wilder! You know, I still have trouble with the name, how do you say it? Moron? Moirin.
Maury.
Moirin.
I get it, in America we said Myrin.
You know, people probably tried to say it your way but when they got to Ellis Island, they just changed it Myrin.
So, I think it's Myrin.
How long has your mother-in-law been here? Oh, just three weeks.
Yeah, she was supposed to leave on Tuesday but she mislaid her passport.
It's fine, though, cos she's been doing a lot of babysitting and I'm kidding, she's fucking useless! - You OK? - Oh, yeah, I'm terrific.
- Where's your mum? - She's in the toilet.
She's scared of your mum, so she's hiding in our toilet.
Why did we do this? Cos it knocks out all our visitors in one terrible afternoon.
Oh, yeah.
Do you want me to take Moirin? Why do you do that? Why do you pause before you say her name? I don't.
Do I? I mean, I don't know.
I want to get rid of that dog! I'm so glad you said that.
Why did we get her? Because that bitch from the shelter told us they were going to have her put down after we'd already tickled her belly, which is basically entrapment.
HE TAPS HIS GLASS - Dad, you don't need to - Just a little toast to the newest member of the family and fair play to Sharon, she never gave up hope.
She watched each and every one of her peers up and leave the disco to settle down.
Even her baby brother beat her to the punch.
For a long time we thought, that's it, she's missed her chance but she'd always have her career, which she would explain to us was her baby.
You hear a woman say that and then you watch her features harden, her rump widen and you then you think, "That's it now, she's out to pasture.
" Then Rob came along, broken in his own way and when Sharon and Rob began their journey we all thought it had as much chance of lasting as a fart in a storm.
Not one single person thought it would last least of all your mother.
They proved us all wrong.
And here we are amongst a growing family and it's wonderful! Just wonderful.
To Bridget and Rob.
Who the fuck is Bridget? Bridget and Rob.
- Westmeath.
It's a lovely - How far is that from Dublin? - Well, about 40 miles down - Riverdance.
Is that Westmeath? - No, I don't think - He is Irish, right? - Yes.
- You know, when I saw him dance, I wept in my panties.
You know, I would love to visit you in Dublin.
Should I? - I mean, I have an open-ended ticket, so - Well I should clear away.
Mum, you don't need to worry about that.
Well, somebody has to.
Sha Is the baby OK? There's blood in this nappy? Huh? Oh, that's fine.
It's one of mine.
BABY CRIES ON MONITOR Can you keep an eye on Frankie for a minute? - I'm going to go check on Muireann.
- OK.
Because she's crying.
OK.
Rob.
Do you think it's a bad time for me to pop to Ikea? Rob's mum seems really nice.
Yeah, she's one of humanity's brightest lights.
I'm really glad she's here and I hope she never leaves.
So what's going on with Dad? Have you changed your name to Bridget and I don't know about it? No, I don't know what's wrong with him.
He's had five cans of stout maybe.
I mean, is he losing it? Cos I would have put money on Mum to go first.
Fergal ! Maybe I can't My tits are leaking.
Three people in this house wear nappies, I'm one of them.
I have to keep babies alive.
So I'm going to be able to think about other people in about - six months or so.
Can you deal with it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll fix his dementia.
- Thank you.
Where's Frankie? - TOILET FLUSHES - Where's Frankie? - What do you mean? - What do I mean? Where's your son? - The front door was open.
- Oh, I Honey, wake up.
I asked you to watch him.
- I was - What?! I don't know.
- Where's Frankie? - What? - Where's the baby?! - Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Somebody's had an accident.
He's there! He's crapped himself.
Jesus Christ, you nearly gave me a heart attack.
Can't a grandmother spend time with her grandson? Mia! You've been here three weeks - and you've barely registered his existence.
- Oh, please.
This is the first day since I got here that you haven't slept till 11.
- What?! - You treat Rob like a hired hand.
Knock it off, Mom.
I think you might be more comfortable in a hotel.
Well, probably.
At least there I'd get clean sheets now and then.
- Don't be an asshole, Mom.
- Oh, she's not an arsehole.
She's a haemorrhoid on an arsehole.
You are a malevolent haemorrhoid of a woman And you can take it down a few notches too, all right?! Your parents have been here 25 times in the last three months, and any complaints I've had which, by the way, Carole, have been barely any, I've delivered to you in private.
I haven't nailed them to the church door.
Where's Muireann? - Where's Muireann?! - She's upstairs, but even if she wasn't, I couldn't call out her name, cos I can't pronounce it.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Please, anyone, help me out here.
Can anyone pronounce my baby's name? IRISH FAMILY: Muireann.
Not you people, the other people.
- Maurieh - Maudien Myrehn.
Well, that is That's Just keep the fucking front door shut.
Sorry.
- Are you OK? - No.
Will you ask everyone to leave? No.
If they're still here in an hour, will you? Yes.
I'm sorry I freaked out.
Can you really not pronounce her name? It's not like some African tribal language with clicks in it.
It's just Irish.
It's just easy.
I'll get it.
I will get there.
- Mww erehn is a beautiful name.
- SHE CHUCKLES Sorry I called your mother a haemorrhoid.
It's OK.
I mean, best-case scenario, she's so upset that she leaves.
Worst-case scenario, she kills herself and I can finally be free.
Oh, for God's sake.
- Rob! - (Oh, Christ.
) - Hey, Dave! - Is this yours? - Yeah, I think - OK, because I found it next to that.
Oh, Christ.
Aw, shit, man.
Your wee doggy's been hit.
Excuse me.
Hey, Des, - what are you doing out here? - Oh Just looking at the house.
It's a lovely house when you look at it from this angle.
Yeah Do you want to come back inside? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You go in, man.
I'll find somewhere to stash it.
Thanks.
What's happened to your dog? To everything there is a season.
OK, three, two, one Tah-dah! - What the hell? - THEY CHUCKLE Where did you get that photo? Rob texted it to me right after she was born.
That's my areola.
You can see my veins.
Well, it's perfectly natural.
I don't know if it is, on a cake.
Baby faces Everybody! You looking after this big fella, then? - Oh, I'm fine.
- He's fine.
I'm going to give you a piece of advice.
After your brother was born, and your father and I had a bit of a rough patch, we decided that we had to put our love for each other above everything else, because we were man and wife before we were mother and father.
Right.
So you chose to love Dad more than us.
Oh, no, just to love him first.
It's the same with me and Melandra.
SHE CHUCKLES Where's the dog? SHE CLICKS Mabel? Mabel?! - SHE CRIES - I'm sorry, honey.
I'm not crying about the dog.
Then why are you crying? Everyone's still here.
Why won't they leave? - Well - And in case you haven't noticed, my dad's losing his fucking marbles.
He left the door open, - the dog's dead.
- TOILET FLUSHES It could have been Frankie.
I'm sorry I left the door open.
No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please don't worry.
We were going to have her put down anyway.
I'm just glad you're here.
Tried to find a bit of the cake without your nipple on it.
Harder than it sounds.
I think it may have been irresponsible for us to procreate.
OK You're an alcoholic, your mother's a card-carrying sadist, my dad can't remember my name, Fergal Well, nothing's been diagnosed, but there's obviously a few things wrong there It's not looking good.
- Thank God you're so normal.
- SHE CHUCKLES I had to think about what my mother was saying, about loving each other more than the kids I think there's something wrong with her.
OK, good.
I was worried it was just me.
I just think if you don't love the kids more than me - then you're not fit to be a mother.
- Of course I love them more than you.
I'm not a sociopath.
I haven't even bonded with my baby and I still love her more than you.
You haven't bonded with the baby? Nope.
Do you think you might have a little post-natal depression? I don't know.
No.
I don't know.
This is going to sound awful, but I just worry that I don't love Muireann the way I love Frankie.
Is that why you gave her a crazy name? Just the minute she came out, she scared me.
She looked like an alien.
Frankie was beautiful.
Even the day he was born, he was just this tiny, beautiful little being.
He weighed four pounds.
I mean, he was almost dark red.
And he had a hairy back.
He was a monster.
I don't remember that.
You don't think she seems What? manipulative? Like she's plotting something? I don't get that sense, no.
You don't think you'll do anything, do you? No.
OK.
Well, what you're going through isn't rare, so - Oh, shit.
- What? - I forgot to bag up the dog.
- Oh, shit.
- Are we going to bury him? - I think I'll just throw her away.
I mean, she's small enough.
- She was a good dog.
- She was the best.
BABY CRIES Everything OK, Rob? Oh, yeah, great.
How are you?