Changing Ends (2023) s02e01 Episode Script

MUSIC: 'Somewhere in My
Heart' by Aztec Camera
ALAN: Northampton, 1987.
It was all kicking off!
The Cobblers were
top of Division Four,
and my dad was enjoying
the sweet smell of success.
My life however, stank.
All right, you speccy Ow!
Loser!
Yes!
Graham, quick one for
the Chron? Of course.
That's it. Yeah! GRAHAM GROWLS
All right, mate?
Come on!
Argh!
Weirdo.
Oh, come on!
Great result today, Graham.
Now, we know you're always
keen to get away from the mic
and back onto the
pitch LAUGHTER
but that's five wins now.
There's a real buzz
around the team.
That must be contagious?
Yeah, it's an exciting time.
What's it like having the hopes
of the town on your shoulders?
Well, it's hard
it's hard not to
get carried away.
We are buzzing. Buzzing.
Buzzing.
And your family's
obviously a huge support.
Well, you've got two sons.
And the eldest is
at Easton Lovell?
Yeah, that's right.
Is he showing a flair
for the game? Well
Y-Y-Yeah, er
He's into all sorts.
He's He's busy.
Busy Busy Busy lad.
Oh, Big Daddy, don't!
He'll have a tooth out!
He's angry.
Oh, I love it when they boing off
the side of the ring like that.
It's like a pinball machine.
With our own daddy
working all the time,
our mum found us a new one
BIG Daddy.
Every Saturday, we'd watch him,
sweating cobs in his unitard,
Mum, me and Gary
with a Findus crispy
pancake on our laps
Get in! Oh, it was bliss.
God, he's the size of my fridge.
Oh, the unitard's
very unforgiving.
I wish he wouldn't bend over
when I'm eating my pancake.
I read he eats nine
eggs every morning.
Not surprised, with
legs like that.
You don't get women sitting on
each other's faces like this.
It's always men.
It's all the testosterone, Mum,
coursing through our veins.
We just can't help ourselves.
DOORBELL Who's that?!
You seen? What's that?
Paper's obsessed with you
two. Page three this time.
Don't think anyone's
getting hot under the collar
looking at that, are
they? Oh, my God!
Wife of a football manager
looking like a breadstick.
Looks nothing
like me. It does.
It's horrific!
It's the dress, Christine.
Does nothing for you.
That's Etam! Graham
bought me that.
And? Nigel bought me leggings
with the crotch cut out.
You don't see me wearing those.
Do you want my honest
opinion? No, not really.
Stop wearing beige.
It's very draining.
I can pull it off - I'm
a 16th Mediterranean.
Course you are.
But you, you've got
very Celtic skin.
I look at you, I
think "bagpipes".
Kendo Nagasaki's got The
Menace in a chokehold!
Have his lips turned blue?
Not yet, no.
TUTS Oh.
Alan in again, is
he? Such a shame.
Watching the wrestling.
I can't keep Charlie
in at the moment,
running round town all weekend.
His social calendar's
busier than mine.
Is it? Course not,
Christine, don't be stupid.
I best be off, Ange. My
crispy pancake's getting cold.
Well, you can keep
this if you
I'll just pop it through.
Good for Alan to see what's
happening in the outside world.
Ta-ra!
I love this.
We get a real rhythm
going, don't we?
We do, love, yeah.
You know if you wanted
to go out at the weekend,
I can always drop you into town.
No.
Gary needs me here. He can't
play KerPlunk on his own.
Of course he can. He loves
pulling the straws out.
You go and have some fun. Why
don't you go bowling or something?
Ooh, no, I'm not
wearing a communal shoe.
Well, something else, then.
You don't wanna be hanging out
with your mum every weekend.
I did.
Spread your wings a bit.
You are nearly 12, Alan.
BELL RINGS
See that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I've got
astigmatism. Move it back.
Oh!
It's a cinema ticket. 15.
Went Saturday. The Lost Boys.
What were you doing Saturday?
I was watching World Of
Wrestling, if you must know.
You are never into wrestling.
I'm into many things, Leslie. You
could call me a renaissance man.
I'd rather call you a bellend.
You probably fished that
ticket out the bins.
I'll fish YOU out the bins.
That doesn't even make sense.
We're going again
Saturday, see Platoon.
It's a 15. I'd rather
watch the telly at home.
What, sitting on
your mum's lap? No.
I'm not sitting on her pancake!
It's crispy.
You wouldn't even get in, anyways.
I would! He wouldn't want to.
Can you tell your Victorian
ghost I'm not talking to her?
I would get in! I've bought some
party poppers from Woolies once,
and they didn't bat an eye.
It's like stealing
candy from a baby.
All right, then. Three
o'clock, Saturday, the Rialto.
All right. I'll see you there.
Yeah, see you there.
See you there.
See you there. Mm!
He'll never get in.
WHISPERS: What's Platoon?
A war film, about Vietnam.
Oh, good. Not good.
It's culturally insensitive
and factually incorrect.
How can you tell?
You haven't seen it!
I can tell by the
font on the poster.
Oh. Alan
you don't need to do this
just because they are.
Yes, I do.
I've gotta spread my wings, Kay.
I'm nearly 12, for God's sake.
So, we could do something.
There's a history day
on at the library.
We can't keep dressing
up like Tudors, Kay.
My codpiece can't take
another spin cycle.
We don't have to go in costume.
There's gotta be more
to life than this.
Well sorry I'm
holding you back.
I
Spiritually speaking,
I was pushing 75,
but they were right - the
baby face was fooling no-one.
I mean, turn me inside out,
I could have booked a Saga cruise,
never mind Platoon tickets,
but if I was gonna prove
those weasels wrong,
I was gonna need some help.
'Confidante, drama teacher,
deluded narcissist.'
Miss Gideon!
Mon cheri?
We've got an emergency.
Have we?
How exciting!
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yeah Yeah.
Brah!
I'm 15, I'm 15, you know.
Hunch. Hunch and mumble.
Lead with the groin,
probably a bit of
aggression, you know.
Forty minutes, I was in there,
watching her walk around the
room like a robot with piles.
Ticket to your film,
whatever it is.
'But she was all I had, and
she was very convincing.'
You've got businesses,
you've got wives,
that sort of thing.
You know, just trust
the process, Alan.
I've played many men before.
Many men, Many men
Many men-men-men. ♪
Got it, dude?
Yes, dude. Yes, dude.
BELL RINGS
Hunch and mumble
Hunch and mumble
COCKNEY ACCENT: All right,
darlin'. How you doin'?
Ha! look at you, sitting
back to front on the chair.
Very Helen Keller. What?
No, I mean Christine Keeler. I
always get them two mixed up.
I'm being 15.
Yeah, well can you
be 15 somewhere else?
Cos I've got to stack.
We're going to the
cinema on Saturday,
to see Platoon with the boys.
Platoon? The
Vietnam one? Yeah.
Rubbish. I didn't laugh once.
Aw, with your best mate?
Ignore them.
Alan's going the cinema Saturday.
Yeah, and that's if he gets in.
Oh, yeah, what you
seeing again, Alan?
Three Men And A "Gay-by"?
Right, don't make me
take my hairnet off.
SNICKERING
This is a nightmare,
Val! I don't look 15.
I've gotta get in.
What am I gonna do?
Right You're gonna
talk to Donna Ridgeway.
Donna?
Fifth Form Donna? Yes.
MUSIC: 'White Rabbit'
by Jefferson Airplane
ALAN WHIMPERS
She does fake IDs, £2.
All right.
No, don't bother her now.
She's eating her jacket,
cheese and beans,
but she will sort you out.
She'd sort me out, all right.
She'd been suspended for licking
a Bunsen Burner. While it was on!
DOORBELL RINGS
I bring gifts.
It's a scarf. And?
It'll stop you looking like a
skinless sausage. Well, try it on.
Oh No. Not for me, Ange.
Come on. Try it on.
No, you're all right,
I've got my own scarves.
Come on, try it on, pop
of colour round the face.
Try it on. Ange!
If you were photogenic
I don't wanna try it on!
Chris, try it on! No! Ange!
Ange, get off me. Put
it round your neck!
GROANING
You're off your head, you are!
Stop being so difficult!
Have a bit of dignity, Chris.
I was only trying to help.
Unbelievable.
That'll bruise.
ALAN: 'With my cinema
trip days away,
'I decided to give
nature a helping hand.'
GRUNTING FROM BATHROOM
Hunch and mumble
WHISPERS: Graham,
Graham, Graham.
He's been in there
ages. GRUNTING
COUGHING
DEEPENS VOICE: One ticket
for Platoon, please.
Who's he got in there?!
Oh, for God's sake, Graham.
You all right, darling?
Can you come in?
Course I can.
No - Dad.
My tache is weighing me down,
Dad, I've gotta shave it off.
There's nothing there,
son. It's just fuzz.
Look, I don't want an 'andlebar,
just your classic horseshoe
with a Farrah Fawcett flick.
Come on. Wash that foam off.
Please, Dad. You've
gotta show me.
All right. Give us that.
Downward strokes, not
against the grain,
so you don't get a rash.
You have a go.
That's it.
There you go. It's easy. See?
I heard when you shave,
it encourages the hair,
comes back twice as thick.
Yeah, but you've gotta have
something there to begin with.
Who told you that?! Val.
She was talking about
her bikini line.
She's off to Lanzarote.
She said, sod the razor,
she needs a machete.
HE GROANS
'There she was -
Fifth Form Donna.
'She had swagger. She had style.
'She had a fringe you
could lay an egg in.
'She also had a laminator
'and a reckless
disregard for the law.
'She was my only hope!'
Have you got a problem?
Oh, Donna. How
long have you got?
Sorry. It's about, you know
WHISPERS: ID.
Sit down.
How old we talking? Fifteen.
Nah, let's make it 16, give
me a buffer. Walk with me.
It's £2.50. I'll need
a passport photo.
Val said it was two pou
Val wants to watch her mouth.
I'll take her bus pass back.
Oh, not for me Donna.
I'm trying to quit.
No, hold it.
Full name, date
of birth, on that.
Anyone asks where you got
it, you made it yourself.
You don't tell no-one.
I will take it to the grave.
DOOR LOCKS
Shall I just? I'll
URINE TRICKLES
I think I'll
URINE TRICKLES
Shall I put my
real date of birth?
I mean the day and
the month, I mean?
Cos I was gonna be a Scorpio.
Natural-born leader with
a flair for the arts.
I'm only changing
the year, you melon.
TOILET FLUSHES
Well, go on. Why you standing
there? Little pervert!
Hm!
Alan
ALAN CARR!
You know that's
illegal? Oh, shush.
I was only in there
for two minutes.
The ID.
It's forgery. It's
a criminal offence.
Oh, put your handcuffs
away, Juliet Bravo.
Platoon's a 15 for a reason.
There could be scenes
of a sexual nature,
or mild to moderate violence.
I think I can handle it, Kay,
I've seen Bergerac before.
Did she offer you drugs?
Well, a bit of Bonjela,
but I turned it down.
Alan, this is out of control!
Kay this is life!
MUSIC: 'Sometimes' by Erasure
RADIO: 'It's Saturday
afternoon in Northampton,
'and we're bringing you the
latest and greatest in pop.'
DEEPENS VOICE: One ticket
for Platoon please.
Alan? RADIO OFF
Alan? We're ready. Let's go!
Oh. Oh, you off out?
No, I always open the door
in case you're there (!)
I saw that picture
of you in the paper.
Personally, I think
you looked cracking.
Ange told me to drop these
in. Zhuzh you up a bit.
She likes to help.
She tried to throttle me.
Really? For how long?
I've got to go to the pictures.
Alan?
Er, well, they're
mostly dresses, I think.
Dual tones. Although she did
say they might be too tight.
Well, she's straight
up and down, isn't she?
Er I'll be honest -
I have to talc her up to
get her into some of these.
Bye, Nige. No, no, no.
It's a bit of a process.
I have to bend her
over the ironing board.
MUSIC: 'We Close
Our Eyes' by Go West
You nervous?
No, no, no.
Just chomping at the
bit to get in there.
Barry Norman called Platoon
"a classic of the genre".
Mr Sheen might get an Oscar nod.
PHONE RINGS
CLEARS THROA
DEEPENS VOICE: Hello?
I don't know who this is,
or how the bloody hell you
got hold of my phone, but
Yeah, this isn't a good time for
me. I'll call you back later.
Alan? All right, will do.
Alan, what in God's
name are you playing at?
Love to Christine
and the kids. LAUGHS
Ta-ra.
Oh, you little
PHONE BEEPS Sorry about
DEEPENS VOICE: Sorry about
that. Business never sleeps.
One ticket for Platoon, please.
You 15?
Yeah, and don't
I know it! LAUGHS
You feel it in the
knees, don't you?
£2.10.
Huh?
What?
I'll see you in there, boys.
Who are you? I'm the manager.
You got any ID?
1971. What a year! HE GIGGLES
Ted Heath, partial
solar eclipse
Take a look.
Three Ls in "Alan"?
Yeah. And there's two Rs
in Carr. What's your point?
This is fake.
You're not going in.
LAUGHTER
But I've bought a ticket! The
other man was gonna let me in.
Please, I've got to see it.
My grandad fought in Vietnam.
Your grandad's American?
No. No, he's from Newcastle,
but they choppered him out.
I can't let you in.
LAUGHTER
This is OUTRAGEOUS!
WHISPERS: Please,
please. I need this.
Can you step out of the queue?
I'll crawl out from under
the seats at the end.
You won't even know I was there.
Next. LAUGHTER
MUSIC: 'Adagio for
Strings' by Samuel Barber
What a loser.
LAUGHTER
'The rejection crushed me.
'The jeers, the looks,
the snide remarks.'
What a loser.
'Everything I hated
at school was there,
'in the foyer of my
favourite cinema.'
HELICOPTER ROTORS OVER MUSIC
I feel like I've been to
war, in a way, Maureen.
Oh, I bet you do, darling.
I was first on the front line.
I didn't stand a chance.
I'm done with this one,
Ruby, if you wanna swap?
No rush, though, darling, is there?
You don't wanna grow up too fast.
I do.
I'm gonna blossom in my
teens. I can feel it.
Right, come on, we're going back.
I'm having a word with the manager.
No. Mum, it's all right.
They let everyone else in.
Why are they picking you out?
You're all the same age!
I'm over it.
Well, you shouldn't be,
darling. It's a bloody cheek!
Mum, can we leave it?
But you wanted to see it, Alan.
I think I just wanted the
others to see me seeing it.
If you know what I mean.
I do, darling.
Come on.
Sometimes, you've got to
pick your battles, right?
While my Mum was ready
to body-slam the usher
and take a hammer to
the popcorn machine,
I knew there was only one
thing worth fighting for now.
So, that's an 'eadlock.
Remember to tap out.
You're quite strong, Alan. Oh,
it does something to me, this.
I honestly think I could lift a
car off someone if I needed to.
Right. Come on, you two.
Come on, let's get stuck in.
It's good, innit?
It is, Christine. It's primal.
He's demobilised the spine,
as an apex predator might.
He's sitting on his
neck, love, yeah.
WHISPERS: She's very clever.
Ooh, see?
This is better than
Platoon, innit? Oh, yeah!
Big Daddy'd give those Viet
Cong a run for their money.
Back in a sec, ladies.
He's so glad you're here, Kay.
Talks about you all the time.
Does he?
Oh, yeah.
You're lovely together, you two.
I like your jumper. The
colour really suits you.
I think you look
effervescent. Thank you, Kay.
MUSIC: 'The Sun Always
Shines On TV' by A-ha.
HE GASPS
Mum! The shaving, it worked!
I've got a moustache, look!
Well done, Alan.
I can't wait to tell Dad!
What time's he get home?
Erm Oh, Big Daddy's up next.
Right, come on, sit
down, eat your dinner.
Move over Big Daddy.
Make room for Little Daddy!
Oh!
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