Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[electricity crackling]
[Diane] It's a brand-new year
in sweet home Chicago.
And one of the perks of having a rooftop
that looks directly into Wrigley Field
is that you get to experience Opening Day.
Not the first game, but when the guys
with the huge hoses show up.
I'm talking about
the groundskeepers, baby!
For years, me and my neighbors
would watch every home game
while partying
our respective wieners and clams off.
God, those were good times.
Sure, most of the old gang
moved to the suburbs or got jobs,
but I'm still here
and I ain't lettin' nothing stop me
from keeping this badass tradition alive!
[can clattering]
[breathing shakily]
Lay that sod, Bernice!
- Nice form!
- [Daniel trembling]
How great is this, Daniel?
What am I looking at, again?
The grounds crew!
Sanchez really stepped up
his rake game in the off-season.
He might be juicin'.
- I can't feel my feet.
- [wind blowing]
Nothing a warm char dog can't fix.
Kurt! This rooftop is
for people who live here
or are married to people who live here,
which disqualifies you!
Ha-ha! Okay. Nice to see you too, Di.
Hi, Uncle Kurt!
Ex- uncle.
I'm just here to get my grill.
Heidi's hosting
her bird book club next week.
They're reading The Pelican Brief. Again.
You're still dating that ditzy
Heidi! How are ya, hon?
Hi, Diane. Hi, Daniel.
- [sizzle]
- Ah!
Goddammit! I need to let that cool down.
- Kurt, the birds are in the car.
- Ten-four, babe.
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
All right, have a good Opening Day. Bye!
- Kinda hard now with no hot meat!
- [Kurt] Uh! Tss! Ah!
Hey, we don't need food and warmth
to have a good time.
When I say "grounds,"
you say "crew!" Grounds!
Cold!
Oh, yeah, my nips are rock hard.
And not in the fun way.
Isn't it great, Daniel?
We get to do this together
all season long!
[Daniel, trembling] Ugh!
Let's go, Cubbies!
[wind gusting]
["Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays]
[theme music playing]
Another perfect rooftop party.
It's endearing
you considered that a party.
Oh, we left the cooler in the hallway.
Oh, I'll get it. I forgot my flip flops.
Hey!
Oh, sorry, thought this was hallway beer.
No, that's hallway beer.
Okay, that fucking rocks!
What did you just say?
I said, "That fucking rocks."
I thought I was the only one
who said that.
That fucking rocks!
I'm Diane, by the way.
Amanda. I'm moving in down the hall,
but I needed to take a White Claw break.
Want to join me?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
No, they do it at Soldier Field, baby.
[both laughing hysterically]
Claws out!
[growls]
[belching loudly]
[crack]
Do you need help with this box?
[laughing]
[both] "Box."
Can I buy you a drink for helping me move?
That'd be awesome!
I usually go to the bar at noon
because that's when Judge Mathis
- [both] Judge Mathis starts!
- [laughs]
I was physically removed
from his courtroom
for harassing Bailiff Doyle!
Been there, done that. Doyle's a zaddy!
[hard rock music playing]
This is where real Chicagoans hang out.
Best bar in the city.
And they got a great pizza puff.
Which I can serve without a food license,
thanks to your buddies the Petes!
Yeah, they work at
air-quotes, "City Hall."
Diane's the queen of making friends
with shady faces in low places.
- Pays to know people.
- Amen.
Speaking of which, our building is a trip.
Apartment 3A, you got Mr. Jorgavich.
High school janitor.
Bad gambling problem.
I know, because we have the same bookie.
Then in 3B, there's Fucks Loud Sophie.
Well, "Fucks Loud" Amanda's here now.
- [laughs]
- Yes!
I'll have what she's having!
And then you got Wet Hair Lady down in 1B.
I don't know her name,
but she always has wet hair.
There's one in every building.
[both laughing]
Diane, I know it's early to say this,
but I think you're my spirit animal.
Uh
No doy!
I thought mine was the giraffe at the zoo
that takes those ten-gallon pisses,
but I'm kind of thinking,
it's a smokeshow named Amanda.
[rock music playing]
Daniel. This is my new BFF, Amanda.
She just moved in down the hall.
Oh, wow. Nice to meet you.
Um, you're the cutest fucking thing
I've ever seen.
I want to put you in my pocket. Literally.
[chuckling] Thanks!
But I assume you mean "figuratively."
Ooh!
What are you, a little college boy?
Where do you go to school?
Uh, I was supposed to go to Stanford,
but I'm taking a gap year.
Yeah, I took a "gap year" once.
Rehab!
Yeah! I'll drink to that!
[hard rock sting]
Yeah, I actually took a year
so I could focus on my art.
That's amazing!
You know, art is everything.
What kind of art are you doing?
What kind of art? Hmm. That's a
The thing is, you can't define "art"
as actually doing, you know?
Oh, I can't even!
I want to cut his face off
and eat it. Literally.
[chuckling] I know, right?
Okay, see you at home, Danny boy.
Hmm? Ah!
Daniel, can you cover me?
I need a five-minute meditation break.
Oh, broadening your horizons, huh?
Yeah, I thought I'd dive in
and follow my passion. [chuckles]
Speaking of passion,
one of our passion fruit smoothies went
[whistles]
right through someone,
and stall three is a bit of a mess. Huh.
Right.
Tits up!
Tits out!
[both] What are you gonna do?
I taught her that.
Obviously. You're the only one
who says that.
Gideon, Zuzana, Tina, I would like you
to meet my new bestie, Amanda.
All white women look alike to me,
but you two, you really look alike.
[in thick accent] I hear that.
Oh my God, are you Polish?
I went to Prague in college.
I remember nothing.
Diane, I told you on your off days,
feel free to not drop by.
You must be Gideon!
Your fedora is giving me life.
It's not a fedora, it's a troubadour,
and you-will-not-touch it.
Okay, I gotta hit the head.
These drinks went right through me.
How great is Amanda?
She's basically me,
but five years younger.
Ha! Ten years, at least.
I was gonna say 15.
[in thick accent] No, no. 20.
Oh my God, you guys are such zaddies,
which is a term Amanda taught me!
The only zaddy here is me.
Look, I'd like to talk to you about
that lotion you gave me for Christmas.
Shit, did it burn your skin?
I didn't make it!
I didn't even give it to you!
It was Zuzana! Sue her!
No, it's surprisingly effective
and I was thinking we should
Sorry for what I did in there.
I got really bad aim.
She knows what I'm talking about.
- [Diane, cackling]
- [in thick accent] What? No, I do not.
Okay, we rocked this place out.
Let's go get some burgers, Mand!
Oh, I don't eat meat.
What?!
No! Fuck! No!
I'm messing with you, biatch!
[both laughing]
Okay! Seriously! Get out!
[instructor] Okay, I want you to
Hey, Bon!
I got three minutes left on the class.
I'm not in last place!
I heard back from Dr. Blatz.
We are not pregnant.
Got it. Uh, should I stop?
If I'm not pregnant,
then why are my boobs so sore, Dr. Blatz?
[pained scream]
Son of a gun!
Look, why don't we do something exciting?
Something we couldn't do
if we had another kid right now?
What if I took you to Gibson's
for a romantic meal?
Some steak, a little wine.
I'll even valet the Lincoln.
No looking for a spot tonight!
Unless there's one nearby.
I guess if I'm not pregnant,
I can still eat like I am!
[instructor] Uh oh,
looks like Mark W. fell off his bike!
No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine!
[hard rock music playing]
"Hey, girl, it's 2:00 p.m. You up?"
"Text me or call me or just text me."
"Okay. Byeeee."
Cat with heart eyes and a panda bear.
[knocking on door]
Bonnie Whiddington?
That depends. Are you from Rent-A-Center?
'Cause that BarcaLounger
was all slashed up when I got it.
No, I'm Ken Bundt.
I work for Event Corp,
the premiere event developer in the area?
Now, Bonnie, have you ever considered?
Ugh, if you're about to say you want us
to sell you our rooftop access,
then save your breath.
- Hard pass.
- But
You people are vultures.
I don't know how many times I have to say
we're not selling the rooftop.
But each condo owner would be
"Handsomely rewarded," I know the spiel.
I ain't interested!
Well, do give me a call
if you change your mind, Bonnie.
Read my lips:
Eat my ass!
Who was that?
Ah, just some jerk
trying to buy the rooftop.
- [door closes]
- Why?
You don't know? I'll show ya.
[solemn orchestral music playing]
Art is about confrontation,
confronting your fears.
Today, we will face our culture's
fear of the feminine
by drawing a portrait
of the nude female body.
Look upon its natural form,
free of the male gaze.
Heidi?
- [orchestral sting]
- [gasps]
Most of these places sold out,
put in professional bleachers
with VIP access.
We're the only building who's still OG.
- How much are they offering to buy it for?
- Like, 50 grand.
Whoa, that's a lot of money.
Yeah, but I'd never sign off on that.
I'm not gonna pay to watch a game
from my own rooftop!
Plus, I got so many memories.
You know how many home runs
Sammy Sosa hit up here?
- And I ain't talking baseball!
- Hey now!
So, why'd that dick call you Bonnie?
Bonnie's my sister.
She technically owns my unit.
She's a real shithead. But I love her.
Kinda.
Yeah, she sounds lame.
Nevertheless, I should bounce.
Wanna hang at my place tonight?
I got some poppers!
Jalapeño and the other kind
Oh, no, I don't want
to have the greatest night ever!
Where have you been all my life?
See you at 7:00, biatch!
[melancholic music plays]
[ticking]
Maybe I should check on her.
[knocking]
- Hey, we said 7:00, right?
- [racket coming from inside]
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm actually a little busy right now.
- [Diane] Is that Fucks Loud Sophie?
- [laughter]
[Diane] Wow, even Wet Hair Lady is here.
Wait, are all the neighbors here?
Yeah. They all just came by.
So random.
[Diane] Oh.
So, should I come in?
Ah, well, we kind of
paired off for charades.
Maybe it's more fun
if we hung out later on?
- Is that cool?
- Uh
Yeah! So cool.
Awesome sauce!
[Amanda] Oh my God, Mr. Jorgavich,
you're my spirit animal.
And then I realized six hours later,
you don't pair off for charades!
Did I do something wrong to Amanda?
Did I offend her somehow?
Should I be offended?
Child, it is not possible
for you to be offended.
Because you lack
What is the word I'm looking for?
Propriety.
Thank you, Gideon!
But what do I do about being ghosted?
Which, by the way,
is a term I learned from Amanda.
Don't go running back to her.
You got to play hard to get,
even with friendships.
Who the hell can I party with now?
Oh, puh-lease.
Girl, I have seen you
get wasted in an open manhole.
You're right, Gideon!
If I have my own party, she'll hear it
and want to come and join it.
- Thank you!
- I didn't say any of that.
Hey! There is a customer in your chair!
[hard rock music plays]
Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Party!
[forced laughter]
You don't say!
Oh, y'all are hilarious!
That broad can dance!
[Diane] Whew!
- Mm-mm!
- What are you doing?
Ugh!
Did it sound like I was having
a party in here from the hallway?
No, it sounded like you were doing
a one-woman show.
It's called playing hard to get.
Now, when I point at you,
you have to laugh and say,
"Good one, Diane."
Mmm hm!
Ha ha, good one, Diane.
[laughs]
You would say that, Vince Vaughn!
Aunt Diane, I need to tell you something.
I had my art class today,
and the model was
- [cork pops]
- Opa!
Oh. Oprah.
Hey! Gimme a quick Oprah impression.
[Daniel groans]
- [Diane whooping]
- [glass breaks]
[Diane] Try the spinach dip!
No, I made it myself!
It's okay. I'm not giving up art.
- This is just a very unique hiccup.
- [beeping]
[Diane]looking good! You look
- You've lost weight!
- [line calling]
Ciao, this is Samuel.
Hi, it's Daniel Whiddington.
I'm one of your art students.
Ah! How can I help you?
FYI, I'm about to slip into the tub.
Well, as much as I want
to pursue a career in the arts,
I'm afraid I can't finish your class.
Daniel, to be an artist,
you must confront your fear.
Embrace it.
Got it. Confront my fear!
I'll try that.
Also, there's no refunds,
even for the online processing fee.
[beep]
Ugh!
- Confront your fears.
- [Diane continues whooping]
Drink, drink, drink!
[knocking on door]
[pants] hey, girl!
Oh. Out of breath, huh?
You have a little quickie on the sticky?
I wish, girl.
Just having a huge rager.
Uh, everyone's in the bathroom.
Cool-cool. Hey, I wanted
to get your sister's number.
It's just a boring
condo association thingy.
I'm trying to put in a new powder room.
"Powder room"?
Toot, toot. I'll bring the powder.
Not if I bring it first. Toot, toot.
[laughs]
Anyway, can I get Bonnie's number?
Right-right-right.
Hey, by the way, if you need help
with permits and stuff, let me know.
Happy to call my friends the Petes.
Oh my God, that sounds so awesome!
They sound so cool. Okay, byeee!
Okay. Bye?
I guess we'll hang later.
[mellow piano music playing]
Mm.
I gotta say,
that angel food cake is sinful.
[sobbing]
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
I I thought you said I could finish it?
I was just so sure it was happening.
Got my hopes up,
and I just started thinking
how special it would be
to have another baby.
[sighs] I know, honey.
You were really excited.
I mean, we.
We were.
Mark, I've been thinking,
and I still want to have another child.
I think we should
see a fertility specialist.
Mm! Ugh!
It's just
IVF is very expensive and,
you know, we had plans.
We want to buy that RV
and visit every presidential library.
[chuckling] Remember?
I know, but I was great at being a mom
and this whole thing
made me realize I want to do it again.
Bon, if you want to do it, I'm in.
We'll find the money somehow.
And they have some great virtual tours
of the presidential libraries on YouTube.
I can't believe we're gonna have
another little one!
- I'll give you a little one.
- Mark, don't be gross.
Yeah. I Sorry.
[solemn orchestral music playing]
This is so uncomfortable.
First nude? You get used to it.
No, the model is my aunt.
I mean, she's dating my uncle.
Well, my ex-uncle, which I guess
makes her my ex-aunt-to-be?
Is that even possible?
It's so weird that's she's totally shaved.
Mm.
[Mozart's "Allegro con brio" section
from Symphony No. 25 in G Minor playing]
[Daniel] Daniel, confront your fear.
Hey, you. It's five o'clock somewhere.
Shall we head to Guthrie's?
They fixed the toilet.
- Um
- Well, well, well
Uh, excuse me. What the fuck?
Good news. The bleachers are going up.
Over my dead, perfect body!
Oh, it's happening.
And we couldn't have done it
without this little firecracker.
- [terrifying sting]
- What?
Amanda! You ghosting zaddy!
Yeah, she got
all the residents to sign off.
[in mocking voice] Uh, no, she didn't.
Because I didn't sign shit!
No, but your sister did.
- [tense sting]
- [gasps]
[over tablet] Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow
and I'm here to talk to you
about the benefits of vaginal
fish oil supplements.
[door opens]
Mark, where did you hide the Chase Visa?
How could you sell my rooftop?!
That place is sacred!
It's my skanktuary!
Okay. I knew you'd be upset,
but the rooftop belongs to Mark and me
and we have some expenses on the horizon.
You finally getting your neck done?
What? W-What's wrong with my neck?
How could you take away
the thing I love most in the world?!
What about your son?
Besides Mikey!
And booze!
And that Michael Jordan documentary!
But this is top five!
If you need money so bad,
here's an idea. Get a job.
Okay, I don't have
to explain myself to you.
I sold it. The end.
Well, I'm gonna stop this.
Reminder, you live there for free!
[Diane slams door]
[solemn orchestral music plays]
You did it!
And you made a masterpiece.
Well, not a masterpiece,
but something that isn't bad
for someone with
your experience or skill level.
Thanks for talking me through it
the other night.
Never let your fear stop you
from confronting your fears.
[baroque music playing]
I'll see you later tonight.
Mm
- [shocking orchestral sting]
- What? God.
No! Oh my God. No!
[light music playing]
Uh, can I get you a drink, my love?
Mark! No.
Right. No alcohol.
Can I have one?
Hi, honey. How are you?
I'm fine. I think.
As long as I don't see Uncle Kurt.
- Why?
- Long story.
This is weird up here now.
Everyone's wearing pants
and no one's throwing up.
And Diane is okay with this?
No, not at all. But we had to.
Right.
Why?
Well, sweetie,
we wanted to tell you earlier,
but your father and I
are gonna have another baby.
What? You're pregnant?
No, not yet.
But, we're preparing for me to be.
Soon. Maybe.
We've been preparing
in every room in the house.
Ugh!
Dad! Gross.
Daniel, are you ready
to have a little brother or sister
or whatever gender they feel they are?
Mom, remember we talked about this.
You don't have to try so hard. Okay?
Hey, guys.
I just wanted to welcome you all
to the ribbon cutting
for the new Event Corp rooftop suites.
[crowd cheering]
Now, before we all get bombed,
I'd like to thank Ken
for his kick-ass party.
- [hard rock music playing]
- [Diane] Not so fast!
Did someone say "kick-ass party"?
Who are all these people?
They can't come up here. Security!
I'll take care of this.
Step aside, cheese-dick.
Oh, shit. Uncle Kurt.
This is happening
whether you like it or not.
Lower the bleachers!
No! Stop!
People! We can't let this happen.
I know that these scumbags
are offering you lots of money,
but this city
isn't just about rich assholes!
It's also about poor assholes
like me and my friends!
- [clapping]
- Tell them, Di!
This old rooftop is just like us.
Broken down, not much to look at,
crawling with vermin
- What do you mean?
- What? Not cool.
But goddammit, it's authentic.
And there's not
a lot of that left around here.
So as long as I stand
in this spot, on this roof,
those shitty corporate bleachers
will not come down. Ever!
[thud]
- Holy!
- Oh my gosh!
Ah, balls!
That speech was totes adorbs.
Too bad it didn't matter.
This is a done deal, honey.
[Little Pete] Oh, no, it's not.
Not according to
the City Hall building inspector!
And his deputy!
- What the hell?
- The Petes!
- [cheering]
- Lift those bleachers!
What the hell is this?
Thanks to an anonymous concerned citizen,
we have found that you are in violation
of city ordinance 4-4, section
I forgot.
We got proper sign-off on everything!
No, you missed some forms.
But for a small fee, we could expedite
Right, right. Sorry.
It's not happening.
Get them out of here, boys.
[whirring]
You know, Amanda,
I was pretty sure
we were two peas in a pod,
but then I realized
I don't want to be in a pod with you.
I don't even want to be a pea.
I want to be a kernel of corn
with these people.
Covered in butter, perfectly salted.
Sorry, Mikey,
can you get that plate away from me?
Ten-four, Ma.
I want that money. Do you hear me?
I want that money!
Ah! Ugh!
- [thud]
- [Amanda] Ow!
Are you okay?
[Amanda] I hate this stupid old building!
- [thud]
- [Amanda] Ow!
And this stupid old building hates you!
[Amanda] You're a stupid old building.
Now let's frickin' party!
[all cheering]
Um Uncle Kurt?
Hey there, bud.
[Daniel] Confront your fear.
Hey, so, I was taking an art class
and Heidi was the nude model
and I had to draw her, which was weird,
but then I saw her make out
with the teacher after class.
- I know.
- I'm sorry you had to find out
Wait, what?
I know.
Heidi and I have an open relationship.
We'd seen it on a rerun of Jenny Jones.
Oh, well, that is very
progressive, I guess?
It's a little weird, but, uh
at least I have my options open too.
Anyhoo, Daniel, I got to get going.
Well, Bonnie, looks like
Diane won this one.
BT-dubs, the turtleneck actually works.
I'm not getting my neck done.
We wanted that money because
we're trying to have another child.
Bon!
Holy shit, I am so sorry.
I didn't know that's what it was for.
I can undo all of this.
We'll bring in the bleachers.
I'm paging the Petes right now.
I don't know if it's because
I'm more emotional than usual,
but what you said
under the bleachers made me cry.
I know how much you love it up here.
And I want you to have it.
What about the baby money?
We'll make it work.
If you want some primo sperm,
I know a guy.
[whispering] It's the Petes.
Stop. Everything you're saying is bad.
Let's go home, Mark.
Is my sperm not primo?
Should we go inside?
Not yet.
[gentle music playing]
[closing theme music playing]