Clarkson's Farm (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

["A Hazy Shade Of Winter"
by Simon and Garfunkel playing]
[Jeremy] Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm.
It's been almost a year since
the film crews were last here.
But though the cameras stopped rolling,
life at Diddly Squat carried on.
And in amongst the familiar
comings and goings,
there have been a few changes.
[bleating]
The ruinously expensive sheep
are now being looked after
by an actual sheep farmer,
just down the road.
I provide the equipment and the sheep,
he does the work,
and then we share the losses.
We're growing a new crop,
durum wheat,
which is used to make pasta.
We've got millions more bees.
And on the subject of pollination,
there's a new addition
to the Diddly Squat community.
And then there's the farm shop,
which turned out to be rather
more popular than we'd expected.
-[barking]
-[overlapping conversations]
[Lisa] And that's 6.72.
Thanks so much.
Hi. How are you?
[honking]
[Jeremy] Look.
It's full.
[Kaleb] There's three spaces left.
[Jeremy] That's it.
Last week,
the main road jammed up.
-I was stuck in the traffic.
-Yeah, for three hours.
People couldn't get to be vaccinated
at the health centre.
They couldn't get
a crew for the fire station.
-[Kaleb] It's not good.
-I know.
-If this backs up to the main road
-[Kaleb] We're gonna be stuck again.
[Jeremy] This meant we had
to mow two acres of wheat
to make a car park,
and even that wasn't enough.
I'm gonna be in there crying,
when I'm mowing this.
I know, I know. I am.
[Kaleb] Shall we not do it?
You're the boss.
But you said on ITV the other day
you were the boss.
I am the boss on the farming side,
but you're managing this bit.
Why don't you just do a bit here then?
You'll have to move everyone back then.
I just didn't think it through.
I didn't think this many people
would come.
[intriguing music]
[Jeremy] In truth, the farm shop issues
would have to be dealt with by Lisa,
because I was too preoccupied
with a timebomb
that was ticking on every single
farm in the country.
[theme music playing]
First though, it was harvest time.
[Kaleb rapping]
Yeo Valley, Yeo Valley ♪
We changed the game
That will never be the same ♪
Yeo Valley, Yeo Valley ♪
Big up your chest
Represent the West ♪
This isn't fictional farming
It's realer than real ♪
Here we are.
My second harvest.
[Jeremy] Last year, the 520 acres
of barley, wheat and rapeseed
had earned me the principal sum
of £144.
This time round,
I was obviously hoping for more,
as we began in the barley fields
with the all-important moisture test.
So hopefully we get all this barley
finished today.
That would be good, wouldn't it?
[Jeremy] What, when you're not
opening supermarkets
and going on Celebrity Love Island?
I don't do Love Island.
The other half doesn't like it.
-Right, what is it then?
-I'm a Celeb.
-I'd love to see you in Australia.
-That's probably the worst thing.
That's what I'll be most scared about,
is actually leaving.
-You just don't wanna go to Australia.
-[Kaleb] Yeah. If they come here
[Jeremy laughs]
I'll do it.
"I'm a Celebrity and
I'm in Chipping Norton, where I live."
Ready?
15.9.
[Jeremy] Since we weren't far off
the magic number of 15.5,
we got on the phone to Simon.
And when he arrived
in a brand-new combine,
I took another reading.
15.3. That's good, isn't it?
[Simon] That's good. We're on.
[engine revving]
Right, sunglasses. We're ready.
My gramp, who suddenly passed away,
this is his tune.
The Who. He got me into it.
["Baba O'Riley" by The Who playing]
[he turns the sound up]
Out here in the fields ♪
I fight for my meals ♪
I get my back into my living ♪
I don't need to fight ♪
To prove I'm right ♪
I don't need to be forgiven ♪
It's been a year since I did this.
If I can remember anything.
Sally, take my hand ♪
[Jeremy] There it is.
Put out the fire ♪
-[Jeremy] Move!
-[honk]
Oops!
[Kaleb] Has he parked in your way, Simon?
[Simon] Yeah.
There's a lot of traffic in this area.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] The goal was to break
the back of the barley today,
but we'd only done a couple of loads
before Kaleb was on the radio.
[Kaleb] Moisture's coming out
about 15.8.
15.5 is the level we need.
We don't really wanna be going above.
[Jeremy] As the numbers seemed
pretty marginal to me,
I sought advice
from Britain's cheeriest land agent.
[dial tone]
[Charlie] Hello.
Charlie, hi, it's me.
The last load we took in was 15.8.
[Charlie] Yeah, that's quite high.
So we're gonna have to stop?
[Charlie] Yeah. OK, that's frustrating.
Frustrating, definitely.
All right, thanks Charlie.
I'll talk soon.
-[Charlie] OK, bye.
-Bye.
Oh bloody hellfire.
Such a pain in the arse.
What have we got?
Three trailer loads, that's it.
36 tons.
Just don't have the mentality
to be a farmer.
I just lie in bed thinking
barley's out there
and it's gone past its best
and I can't get it up.
I don't mean I can't get it up,
I mean
I can't get the barley up.
[Jeremy] Kaleb and I took
the last load to our storage area,
which annoyingly had received yet
another visit from the local vandals.
That's the bund they burned last year,
and they've tried to burn
this one this year.
I was talking to the police about it.
The rural crime police.
They've had their Mitsubishi L200
taken away,
which they could chase baddies in,
and they've been given a Vauxhall Corsa.
This is the United Kingdom
of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
the sixth richest country in the world.
How the fucking hell
are they gonna catch anyone in a Corsa?
[Jeremy] Even more annoyingly,
because of the national shortage
of lorry drivers,
we'd only managed to book one lorry
to take the barley away.
That meant some of it
would be left outside.
And the forecast for tomorrow was rain.
I'm pissed off.
How much have we got here?
Five tons?
About four or five tons, yeah.
[Jeremy] It's just gonna sit here
and rot all weekend.
It's getting on
for 750 quid's worth of barley
-just sitting here, being ruined.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
But the weather forecast could be wrong.
Might be nice in the morning.
[Kaleb] We never know, do we?
[Jeremy] The next day, we did know.
Bloody hell.
[Charlie] I've just had a message
from the grain merchant.
This is why we stopped last night.
Load from tip this morning
was 16.5% moisture.
There'll be drying charge of £9.75.
A ton?
A ton. And a weight loss of 4.5%.
So a ton and a half
they're not gonna pay you for.
So they're charging you for the water,
which is why we stopped last night.
[Jeremy] We've lost how much money?
[Charlie] So that would have cost
450 quid
-in basically merchant taxes.
-And the 750 quid
-[Charlie] Sitting in there.
-Sitting getting soggier.
[Jeremy] But
[intriguing music]
as frustrating
as the harvest problems were,
they were nothing compared
to the issue now facing me
and every other farmer in the UK.
One that had been brewing
since the tumultuous event
of June 2016.
[bell]
There can be no doubt about the result.
The British people have spoken,
and the answer is: we're out.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] Farmers knew that Brexit meant
there'd be no more
EU grants and subsidies.
But the British government
told us not to worry.
We will guarantee the support
for UK farming at its current level,
100%.
This government has provided
a greater degree of certainty
on future support for farming
than any government in the EU,
let alone elsewhere in the world.
[Jeremy] However, these promises
have so far rung hollow.
[journalist] The government
may be big on ambition,
but farmers say money and detail
right now are in short supply.
[man] There's a lot of vagueness
in those announcements.
We don't know
what they're gonna pay for, how much.
So what system am I gonna be
in a year's time,
in two years' time, in five years' time?
There's so much detail to be worked out.
-[journalist] Post-Brexit then.
-Yeah.
[journalist] Farmers,
you better off or worse off?
Worse off.
[Jeremy] This seismic issue now required
some decisive action
from Charlie and me.
So we know that you are going to lose
£82,000 a year in subsidy.
Over the next few years
you will get zero pound per hectare.
All those direct subsidies are going.
So there may well be some
grants and subsidies,
but we don't know what
they're going to be for yet?
We know that they have said
"public money for public goods."
So they're gonna pay farmers
to provide public good.
But it doesn't mean anything.
That's just a slogan.
But there's absolutely no substance,
at the moment, to those words.
Every farmer I've talked to is going,
"We simply
What are we supposed to do?
What do you want us to grow?
What do you not want us to grow?"
Are they gonna ban glyphosate?
They might.
-We don't know what they're going to do.
-Yeah.
It strikes me, it's like FIFA saying
"We're having new rules
next year for football,"
and all the teams are saying,
"Well, what?
Are we having no goalkeepers?
Are we having two balls on the pitch?
Is it gonna be mixed, men and women?
What's it gonna be?"
"We're just having new rules."
Then they go "There are new rules coming,
we just don't know what they are."
Yeah, but the season starts next week!
Correct.
So there is some frustration.
Anyway, listen,
we let the government potter,
have committee meetings,
and select committee meetings
and all that nonsense.
Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them.
So here's my plan.
Yeah.
Cows.
Cows ?
I know the sheep were a disaster.
Yeah.
-But cows
-Yeah.
-Because they do their number twos.
-They do.
On the fields,
which is good for the soil.
That's good.
Move them the next day
and then you put hens
onto the bit where they've pooed,
and the hens eat
the worms out of the cow poo.
And trample all their faeces
and the faeces of the cows
into the soil, making it good,
and then the next day move them
and so on.
Until the whole farm,
eventually, has been reinvigorated.
It's a mob grazing enterprise,
it comes from
-It's all about the soil.
-It's about the soil.
So you go back
to sort of old-fashioned farming.
-That's my plan.
-Cows.
Well cows, yes.
How many cows?
I don't know.
Well cows might get tuberculosis
because of all the badgers.
We're in quite a high-risk area.
Right, kill the badgers.
-We can't kill the badgers.
-Why can't we kill the badgers?
Cause it's not allowed.
But if they're killing the cows.
You still can't kill a badger.
We'll get across that bridge.
And here's my next plan.
Ready?
Turn the lambing barn, which we don't
need anymore, into a restaurant.
And sell the beef in there.
Our own beef,
slaughtered down the road,
to be cooked and served in a restaurant
where you sit down and you have
We'll have lamb as well,
because we still have the sheep.
So we have beef or lamb.
We have our own potatoes.
Yeah.
We have the flour for the gravy,
the mint for the mint sauce,
the horseradish growing just here.
We've got durum wheat
so we can make our own pasta.
A restaurant where everything,
everything you eat in it
was produced at Diddly Squat.
Brilliant.
-The detail of getting it all there
-Yes, look at that.
The picture on the look at that.
That's what we want. Friesians.
-Dairy cows. When you said "eat them"
-What?
When you said "eat them,"
That's a dairy cow.
There's a lot of cost
in setting up a restaurant.
I don't know anything about restaurants.
-Yeah, they come and they go.
-Yes.
There's an 80% failure rate,
but I've got a plan on that:
be one of the 20%.
[laughs]
I know, it's all here. It's all here.
You've gotta be excited.
I just
So anyway, that is my plan.
-You want me to find some cows?
-Yeah.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] While Charlie went cow shopping,
I got back to harvesting.
Except I didn't.
Because for the next four days
it rained just enough
to make the crops constantly moist.
[lively music continues]
So, assuming today would be
another write off
Fucking hell.
That was one hell of a slash in this.
[Jeremy] I decided to change
all the tyres on my tractor.
So the funny thing, that air's probably
14 years old, and German.
Do you want a hand?
He said, hoping you'd say no.
[laughs]
[car approaching]
[Jeremy] What do you think of that?
What the fuck are you doing?
The corn's ready.
What?
[Kaleb] The corn is all ready.
We need to go now.
What are you doing?
You should have done this
through the winter.
-This is like winter jobs.
-They weren't slicks in the winter.
[Kaleb] I'll see you
in about an hour then?
[Jeremy] Why don't you go
and get started?
Yeah, I'll go and get started
and hold the fort.
And you just fuck around doing this.
[Jeremy] Seeing that I was in trouble,
the fitters got the new tyres on
in record time.
And then I went to hitch up my trailer,
hoping that this time there wouldn't be
the usual cack-handed palaver.
Right.
[buzzing]
[buzzing continues]
No.
Oh shit.
Pete?
[Pete] Yeah.
What's up?
[Jeremy] Is that yellow prong thing
coming out at the back?
-No.
-What about now?
No.
Now?
No.
Now?
No.
Oh dear God, please don't let him come
back here and find this going on again.
You put that in here.
It's totally safe.
And then
[man] You've spent the last year
telling me how dangerous this is.
The backs of tractors are,
but that's why we're using a crowbar.
Right.
Hold it there,
and I'm now gonna just keep
[buzzing]
-Is it coming out, the hook?
-No.
-[Jeremy] No?
-No.
-[Jeremy] No?
-No.
You still haven't done it?
Just talk me through this.
Let's just see
what I've been doing wrong.
But don't shout at me,
cause I've tried my hardest.
-OK. Right, ready?
-Yeah.
-[Kaleb] Hold the stop button.
-Yes.
Now press up.
Now press down.
-[Jeremy] Has that thing come out now?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
Well why-- I'm so properly cross
'cause that didn't
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Having hitched my trailer
we could now finally get back
to some harvesting.
[upbeat music continues]
Sun shining, come on, keep drying.
Keep drying.
First things first
we've harvested a small child.
That's almost certainly going
to go on the news, isn't it?
"Jeremy Clarkson has minced a child."
"Burberry."
A working-class child.
You see, here's the problem, look.
This barley has been sitting here
and it's started to sprout,
germinate, grow.
Look at that. Look.
This is
Ugh, absolutely soaking.
Kaleb says what I've got to do is
spread it all out on the concrete pad,
using the telehandler
and then put the new stuff
I've just harvested on top of it,
and then it'll all get mixed together
in the lorry,
and the average will be OK.
[lively music]
[back-up beeper]
[Jeremy laughs]
I reckon I've found something
in farming that I'm good at.
[back-up beeper]
He's going to say you didn't do this.
[man] Weren't you supposed to take
the green bits out first?
What?
Weren't you supposed to remove
the green bits before you did it?
Who said that?
-Kaleb.
-No, he didn't. Did he?
Yeah.
-[Kaleb] You've actually done a good job.
-[shouts happily]
[laughs]
-[Jeremy] Is that good enough?
-[Kaleb] That's not bad.
Well I've done it.
I took all of the shoots out first.
Good job.
[mouthing]
[epic music]
[Jeremy] We pushed on.
And in the next couple of days managed
to get the remaining barley harvested.
And all the rapeseed.
Before rain stopped play again.
But luckily,
I could make good use of the time.
Because Charlie had found me
some cows to look at.
[Jeremy] So these--
Are we buying lady cows or man cows?
[Charlie] The breeding cows
clearly would be female.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Charlie] But they also have some animals
that we can fatten to kill.
-So some of those could be boy cows
-Correct.
They're boys before they become bulls.
Are they called bullocks?
They're called bullocks.
Because they don't have bollocks.
-[Jeremy] Why not?
-They castrate them. Safer handling.
[Jeremy] What?
It's safer to handle a male cow
if it doesn't have testicles.
[Jeremy] That doesn't make any sense.
If somebody cut my balls off
I wouldn't be safe to handle.
But you're not producing the amount
of testosterone
a bull would be producing.
[Jeremy] Lisa says, "Can we get
some with long eyelashes?"
I'm not sure she's cut out
for this farming life.
Long eyelashes?
She said: "I want them
to have long eyelashes."
[Charlie] We can get some long eyelashes.
[Jeremy] Eventually we arrived
at Tim the cow breeder's farm,
in Northamptonshire.
[engine revving far away]
[Jeremy] Is that Silverstone,
making that racket?
Yeah. I thought you'd be able
to get to switch off for the day.
Is it always that loud?
-[Tim] Yeah.
-Most days.
[Jeremy] Bloody cars, honestly.
Oh, look at you!
-[Tim] That's a steer.
-[Carrie] These are the steers.
What's a steer?
[Charlie] It's a male with no bollocks.
-[Jeremy] Right.
-No balls.
-[Jeremy] So these are for eating?
-[Tim] These are for eating.
[Jeremy] Right, so these are breeding?
-[Charlie] Yeah.
-[Tim] These are all breeding.
[Jeremy] So these are not
going to be eaten.
You can give these ones names
and everything.
I've never
It's like being in a public convenience.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] Do they ever stop?
Look at them, they're both at it.
Oh, it's just Look at it.
[Carrie] You end up with a lot of muck.
-[Charlie] That's what we want.
-[Carrie] Muck's good.
I want that on the fields, 'cause
it saves me using quite so much nitrogen.
That's why I had the idea.
And then I thought, Boris has done
the deal now with Australia.
No good can come of that,
as far as I can see.
[Tim] No, not at all.
-Cheap, rubbish beef coming in.
-Correct.
If we get grass fed beef,
then I open a restaurant,
so I don't have to worry
about competing with the Australians.
This shorthorn basically,
not just saying it,
but it'll be some of the best stuff
you've eaten.
-Really?
-Yeah.
[mooing]
You're great. You've got a good face.
Jeremy, don't big them up.
Remember, we've got to agree a price.
-I know, I just like that one's face.
-Keep going, keep going.
[Jeremy] Pleasantries over,
it was time to choose what to buy,
which I assumed would be
fairly straightforward.
So there's four cows and calves in here.
Four cows and calves in there.
So that would give us some experienced
cows with calves at foot.
And then they'll be ready
at Christmastime.
In another year.
-Oh?
-[Tim] They're only babies.
That's why we need some other ones
These will be a year?
-So it's this time--
-Yeah.
So that's why we need to get some others.
This is quite complicated, isn't it?
So we need to be able to get some
We need the cows that we start
to get pregnant next spring.
-[Tim] They'll be calving next spring.
-No, getting pregnant then.
-They calve and then
-Sorry, calving next spring.
-[Jeremy] So we want 12 cows.
-[Charlie] 12 cows.
[Tim] No, we've got 8 cows here.
-How many have we got here?
-[inaudible]
Eight cows here with calves at foot.
And we might have some heifers.
And then the heif--
No, the heifers are going to be ready
to eat before the calves.
No, the heifers will be
your breeding stock.
So they'll be in calf.
So then that makes up your 12.
We'll get the steers for the breeding--
for the fattening.
Don't worry, I know what we're getting.
[comical music]
[Jeremy] It was then time
to discuss the price
for whatever it was I was buying.
[Jeremy] How much is a cow?
Cow and calf units like this
have gotta be in the region of 2,200.
[Jeremy] Well that would mean
they're the same as a sort of
Get an Alfa 159 for that.
Don't know what that is.
Alfa Romeo 159.
How can you live in Silverstone
and not know what
There's a lot of risk involved in that,
you've gotta get it, feed it.
It might die, the young thing.
-That's like an Alfa Romeo.
-You might crash your Alfa Romeo.
-[Charlie] Yeah, exactly.
-No, it'll just die of its own.
And how much is a heifer?
[Tim] Those heifers?
Round the £1,800 mark.
-1,800?
-[Tim] Gotta be.
-Hang on a minute.
-I'm getting my calculator out.
-So we'd have 20 in total. 20 animals.
-Correct.
[Jeremy] Right.
It's £25,000.
I think we can do a bit better than that.
Cow calf £2,000.
-Two one?
-Two.
Two then.
[Jeremy] We haven't discussed
the heifers.
The heifers are a bit too much.
I can't let them go less than 1,500.
-1,250.
-[Tim] 1,500. Gotta be.
[Jeremy] Do you include delivery?
-Yeah.
-That's quite handy.
1,450, delivered.
Done.
[Jeremy] Done. What is done? 1,450?
-[Charlie] We've been done.
-We've been done.
[Jeremy] Let's shake on that then.
I don't know what we're shaking on
or what I've just bought.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] The next morning it was still
too wet to harvest the wheat.
So I got Alan the builder over
to talk him through my ideas
for the farm shop and restaurant.
[Jeremy] It's rained every day.
Not much, just enough to wet the crops.
[Jeremy] At the moment there were
benches and tables in the barn
so that visitors to the shop could have
a sandwich and admire the view.
But with the restaurant,
I wanted to go further.
[Jeremy] So here's my plan.
-Gotta obviously concrete the floor.
-Yeah.
-[Jeremy] Bogs in that corner.
-Yes.
Then that's the kitchen, that's panelled.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Solid.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Then everything here,
all the way along, is glass.
So you're here
Yeah, fantastic view.
-Forest of Wychwood.
-Yeah.
Obviously this is going
to allow weather in.
[Alan] We're gonna have to clad it,
ain't we?
[Jeremy] This was Alan's cue
to become even more baffling
than a cow salesman.
On your other roof there, the tin roof,
it's a sandwich, insulation,
so it all comes off, all goes back on,
then batten it across,
then back down.
We'll leave the roof on,
but we'll insulate in between.
Then put the boards underneath,
with a vapour barrier,
it can blow through
and get behind and come down then.
They'll probably use castle board in.
You've got this one a bit wider,
then the other one'll be in front.
So it looks like a turret of a castle.
See if that fired through there,
down, down the back of the tin,
come straight out.
The only thing is they're treated,
they're took away.
You'll have to get them treated.
Won't last two years, will it?
You're having a Klargester out here.
You're having a Klargester.
A septic tank in a Klargester out there,
a BioDisc.
[Jeremy] After this barrage came
the inevitable comedy quote.
-Could you just let me have some idea
-Yeah.
Do you have any idea now?
-250,000.
-No, it isn't.
Gotta be, hasn't it?
All the glass has to be double glazed.
All have to be up to building reg safety,
you've got all them
people coming in here.
I know you're talking,
'cause I can see your mouth moving.
[laughs]
But all I can sense
is my insides shrivelling
at the way you phrased it,
250,000.
So I've just translated that
to quarter of a million pounds.
To effectively line a barn
that's already here.
[laughs]
Alan.
You drive round the corner,
get into your S Class.
Potter home.
Well, I say "potter",
-your driver takes you home.
-Oh yeah!
It ain't a problem, obviously,
we'll get the drawing.
It is a problem, it's a lot of money.
Yeah, it's gotta be
Tweet it up, sharpen the pencil,
go through it properly.
-[Alan] Let's get it to a right figure.
-[Jeremy] I've gotta get back.
We're doing moisture tests.
Might actually get some
harvesting in today.
If it stays dry, yeah.
[classical music]
[Jeremy] As it happened,
it did stay dry.
-15.4.
-That'll do.
Let's do this!
[classical music continues]
We should say on our bread in the shop,
"May contain trace elements of earwig."
[Simon] Where I am now it's very good,
but I'm hoping it's gonna get better.
It looks a bit thicker out,
a bit taller out there.
Poshest combine driver
in the world, Simon.
He once went into McDonald's,
and asked for the cutlery.
-What?
-He went into McDonald's
and asked for the knives and forks.
[laughter]
Is that earwig dust?
Imagine being an earwig,
then all of a sudden "My God!"
[imitates engine]
[Jeremy] It's through the red thing.
Then you're in the hopper.
You think: "My God, it's terrifying."
Then the fan starts,
and blows you miles in the sky,
'cause if you're only an inch long
and you go 20 feet up,
it's like us being blasted into space.
Then you're shot, you go:
"I'm flying, I'm literally flying!"
And then you're in the back of a trailer,
and then you're carted off
to the flour mill,
where you're ground down.
It's a horrible end.
They asked for more protein
in the wheat. We gave them that.
[Jeremy] We have given them protein.
It's like a keema naan, our bread.
What's a "keeman an"?
[Jeremy] Indian restaurant?
You've never been
to an Indian restaurant ?
I haven't.
[Jeremy] There are restaurants
where you can get curry.
Yeah.
You know, he described his baby
the other day as foreign.
He was born in Oxford!
[laughs]
I was born in Chipping Norton,
as well as all my family.
And my son is born in Oxford.
He's foreign.
Foreign!
[lively music]
[Jeremy] The weather held.
And two long days later,
we were down
to the last of the wheat fields.
So, as is the tradition round here,
the head of security turned up
to put in his shift.
'Cause even if it ain't fit,
then at least I can do another bag
and you can cope
with one load grain, can't you?
But you won't have to if you can't go on.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
[laughs]
What is this?
Is this his 52nd harvest here?
52 No, it's 51.
I reckon this is 54.
I'll ask him.
Actually there's no point, is there?
[intriguing music]
Workers of the world, here we go.
Look at this, it's the A Team now.
Gerald on combine.
Kaleb and Jeremy on tractors.
[Jeremy] Before
we could get going though,
Simon's new high-tech combine
started making noises at Gerald.
[beeping]
[Gerald] Sorry, man, I got this
[indistinct]
It's making sound
I can't stop it buzzing.
How do you stop it?
[beeping]
[Simon] Hi Gerald, it's Simon.
What's the problem?
[Gerald] Yeah, I think it's gone
[indistinct]
[Gerald continues speaking indistinctly]
As the sun goes down
in the evening, I can't do it.
-I mean, how
-[Gerald] Can you hear me, Si?
[Simon] Yeah, I've got you.
Can you hear me?
[Gerald] Yeah, I said if you just take
[indistinct]
[laughs]
[Simon] There's a cross,
just press that cross.
[beeping]
[beeping]
[Gerald] It's always been
[indistinct]
Last year you went to
[indistinct]
-[Kaleb] Press the escape button.
-[Gerald] Press what?
[Kaleb] Press the escape button, Gerald.
Put my clothes in a plastic bag!
[Gerald continues speaking indistinctly]
That'll make
[indistinct]
Oh, Diddly Squat Farm.
[Jeremy] Eventually,
the farm's tech-savvy foetus
went in to sort out the problem.
Yeah, I have a bit of room there,
but for about the first 10 or 12 years.
[Kaleb] It's gotta be firm.
One press off.
[Jeremy] And as evening fell,
we finished gathering in
the last of the wheat.
Right, that's it,
the harvest of 2021 is in
and now cows!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Right. Here.
-What are you doing?
-I'm getting fully gloved-up for this.
I do not like creosote,
after it got in my eye that time.
Such a snowflake, it's just unbelievable.
[Kaleb] Snowflake.
-You are a snowflake.
-I'm not!
Look, I'm holding creosote
[Jeremy] I could have carried on with
this generation gap debate for hours,
but Kaleb and I needed
to fence off a field for the new cows.
And I really didn't fancy putting in
280 fence posts
using his medieval man killer.
[lively music]
[Kaleb] Higher.
[Jeremy] So I hired some internal
combustion instead.
[Kaleb laughs]
What this is, is the end
of your business.
Wow.
Because why would you ever employ
a fencing contractor
when you have the Solo Track?
OK.
Good point. Solo Track. So that means
you're gonna be doing it on your own.
Once you've explained to me
how these things work.
-Then I can go home?
-Just explain how it works.
Turn it round and then park it there,
and we'll reverse it down the line.
Stop.
[Jeremy] After getting
the machine into position
and putting on some
snowflake PPE, we began.
Right, drop that down on that.
Whoa!
[Jeremy] That is one hell of a machine,
isn't it?
[Kaleb] Beautiful.
[Jeremy] And this tracked
Swiss army knife
had even more tricks up its sleeve.
[Kaleb] Keep going,
keep going, keep going.
-[Jeremy] Is that tense?
-That's all tense down there now.
Keep going.
Holding it tight.
-[Jeremy] What if it snaps?
-It will hurt.
[Kaleb] Do you want me to clear it off?
[Jeremy] Good job
you're wearing a safety helmet.
Good job you're a snowflake.
Or are you Gen X? What are you?
What do you mean?
Were you born in the 20th century?
No. 1998.
That's
The 20th century,
that's 2000 onwards, isn't it?
No, we're in the 21st century now.
Are we?
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The following day,
the fencing was complete,
just in time for the arrival
of our new Diddly Squat residents.
[Jeremy] Oh wow, snazzy lorry.
-[Charlie] That is, isn't it?
-Yeah.
[cows mooing]
Listen.
Sadly Kaleb's not here to see this 'cause
he's had to go home to put his dog down.
Bloody awful.
[Tim] OK.
Welcome.
Look, your new house!
So that's calf.
[Charlie] Yep.
-And this is their mothers.
-Yeah.
[Jeremy] Look at them.
This is tremendous.
[mooing]
So, you're a lady cow.
You're a man cow.
Lady cow.
Lady cow.
I've always been slightly scared of cows,
I'll be honest.
You don't look scary at all.
Look at your hair!
I looked it up and actually,
a lot of people are killed
by cows every year.
A lot!
I mean mostly ramblers,
which obviously is
fine.
This is properly satisfying.
I know the sheep were satisfying
when they first arrived,
and they quickly became unsatisfying,
but I can't see these being a nuisance.
[theme music playing]
[Kaleb] Cows are out!
[Jeremy] Oh shit!
God, where are you? Fern!
-[cows mooing]
-[Kaleb] Fucking hell!
[theme music playing]