Code Monkeys (2007) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Video game music plays]
- Screw you, Jerry.
- Oh, hi, Mary.
- Hey.
- You sound kind of down.
Is there anything wrong?
- Just thinkin' about today.
You know, Hitler's birthday.
- I didn't know you were Jewish.
- I'm not Jewish, Jerry.
You don't have to be Jewish
to get bummed out
about Hitler's birthday.
Anti-Semite.
- No, wait! Ah!
I like Jews!
And gypsies!
I'm half-Jewish!
[Video game music plays]
- Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-
ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Not now, Jerry. I'm busy.
- Uh, double-thumbing
your butt again?
- No, dude, I'm playing my ass
in "Exploding Space Rocks."
Damn it! Come on!
And thanks to you,
my ass lost again.
- Ah! I don't want this.
- Why not, dude?
It's your joystick.
What's the matter, Jerry?
- Good news.
Mary thinks I'm
an anti-Semite again.
- Dude, that's ridiculous.
Everybody knows
you only gargle
kosher sausage.
- That's what I said.
It's all because I didn't know
it was Hitler's birthday.
- It is?
Oh, dude, it is!
Oh, yes!
- Dave, I don't think that's
anything to be happy about.
- Are you kidding? It's the most
important day of the year.
My high holy day, Jerry.
Ramadan rolled into Easter,
Halloween smeared all over
St. Patrick's Day,
Kwanzaa [bleep] Christmas
until it cries!
- Dude, it's kind of
messed up to get
that excited
about Hitler's birthday.
- Hitler has nothing
to do with it, man.
It's 420!
- Oh, my gosh! 420!
- 420, dude!
- The 20th of 4!
- As tradition dictates,
on this most holy day,
we will smoke tons
and tons of green bud
and play the best video games
I've ever made:
"Rope-A-Dope," "Weed Racer,"
and "Sir Lance-A-Pot."
We do this to celebrate
the legend of Jester Hopperpot,
also known as
the story of 420, dude.
- How does that legend go again?
- Jester Hopperpot was
a hippie who developed weed
so strong that he felt
like it had to be hidden.
He booby-trapped this route
to this hiding place
so that no one could
ever find it,
then years ago today,
Jester Hopperpot
disappeared forever,
and when he disappeared, so did
the greatest stash of weed
man has ever known.
- Why didn't he come back?
- The theory is that he
got so high, he couldn't
find his way back.
- Didn't he have a map?
- That, my friend, is
the worst part.
Supposedly, he did have a map,
but he was so high,
he forgot to bring it, and
no one knows where he left it.
- What a tragedy.
- Dude, the tragedy right now is
that we don't have any weed.
I smoked my last sticky nugget
right after breakfast, so unless
that's a bag of weed in your
pocket, we have to go
score some green.
Dude, I like what you've
done with the place.
Now, about that weed--
- No weed.
- What you talkin' 'bout, Jamie?
- 420 is over, dude.
It's over, over,
over forever.
Haven't you been watching
the television, dude?
Reading the newspapers?
Tuning in to the frequencies?
- Here at the Mexican border,
Nancy Reagan's new war on drugs
has just intercepted
200 million tons
of marijuana destined
for American markets.
- [Bleep] Nancy Reagan.
[Bleep] her so hard
her false teeth fall out.
We will not be deterred.
We will celebrate our holy day
in the traditional manner,
with the sticky icky
green space kryptonite
and the veneration of the god,
Jester Hopperpot.
- And with these victories
in the war on drugs,
I am now turning my attention
to some of the other problems
plaguing this country.
- Poverty, cancer, AIDS?
- Something much worse--
video games.
I have a list, and I am
starting at G.
GameAVision,
I am coming for you.
- Not to worry, amigos.
I got this handled.
'Fore Nancy hooked up
with that senile old coot,
she and I used to do
a little backseat wrastlin'.
- Yo! Did you win, bro?
- Depends on how you
define victory.
[Video game music playing]
- Dave! Is Nancy Reagan gonna
shut down GameAVision?
- Who gives a [bleep]?
I got bigger things on my mind,
like how to destroy my mind.
We need to find some weed, dude.
That bust is gonna make
this town a weed desert.
There's got to be some left
in Sunnyvale. Now think.
- Wait. I heard of this pizza
place called 3-Person Mafia.
You can call them and you ask
for a guy named Grotini
and you say you want
a dirty pie.
They're supposed to bring you
weed with it.
- Then why the hell are you
still talking? Call him!
[Buttons beeping]
- 3-Person Mafia Pizza,
Grotini speaking.
- Hello. I would like
a dirty pie.
- You mean a dirty pie?
- Yes, a very dirty, dirty pie.
The dirtiest pie you have.
Delivery to GameAVision.
- You got it.
- That's good,
but we have to cover our bases.
- Hello.
- Hey, Mom, it's Dave. Hey,
remember all that weed that you
and Dad confiscated from me
in high school 'cause you guys
weren't cool and didn't like me
high out of my mind 24/7?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, can I get it back?
- Dave's trying to lay dibs
on the reefer.
- Screw that!
Today's 420!
- I heard that, old man!
- David, I have to go.
- My own mother will not
give me weed, Jerry.
I don't want to live this way.
I'll admit it.
[Buttons beep]
- 911. Please state
your emergency.
- I need some weed!
- What is your location?
- Wait, wait, wait.
Pizza's here.
- Uh, I'll get back to you.
So, is this the, uh, dirty pie?
- The dirtiest.
- Mmm, it's good.
Now where's our dirty pie?
- You're eating it, bro.
Everybody in the kitchen
sat on that,
and that cheese is
not cheese.
- Blech!
- Hey, Todd.
- Yes? ♪
- You want some pizza?
Happy 420, dude.
- Wait. Did he just say 420?
I must to the turnip patch!
- Hello, Nancy.
I knew you'd be back.
- I'm not back, Bob.
I'm here on official business.
- Hey, maybe we should take this
somewheres private.
Step into my office.
- You show some respect, suits!
- You don't need nothin',
honey. Ha!
I got this place stocked
with whips, chains,
and furry handcuffs,
just like old times.
We could do this soft and sweet,
or we could go prison rule.
Lady's choice.
- Your games are pulling
America down
to the depths
of perversion.
From now on,
every cartridge you sell
will have one
of these labels.
- Drug use?! Deviant sex?!
That's preposterous!
We don't make nothin'
but squeaky-clean games
for squeaky-clean boys!
Hell, we gots one so clean,
it's called "Shower Time"!
- I'm soapy, but I still feel
dirty on the inside ♪
- But if you put them labels
on my games,
they gonna stop sellin'!
- That's the idea, Bob.
- Benny, get in here
and unlock your papa!
- I'm gonna unlock you later,
but first,
I'm gonna eat every inch
of your Fruit Roll-up underwear.
Mmm, mmm.
How you like that, hmm?
- I don't like it!
- Fruit Roll-Up mixed
with your humiliation make it
heavenly.
[Chime]
[Bees buzz]
- [Grunts]
Yes! I got you, bumblebee.
Quick, Jerry, get me the bong.
- So what's your thinking
here, Dave?
- Dude, this bee pollinated
pot plants,
therefore, if we smoke it,
we might get high.
Oh, dude!
- Is it working?
- I forgot,
I'm allergic to bees!
[Gasping]
- Is that a good high?
- I have a pretty open mind.
I'm gonna say no.
[Shivering]
Make sure I don't bite
my tongue off, man!
[Beeping]
- Here we are, Tiffany.
A year ago today, on 4/20,
I sighted a hairy beast
8 feet tall
with eyes like the devil
and an unholy horn on his head.
Yes, he was the legendary
and mythical Manicorn,
a half-man,
half-beast creature
said to live at the center
of the earth, hibernating,
only emerging for a couple
of hours each year on 4/20.
"How do you know he'll
come back, sexy Todd?
Oh, I just want
to gobble you up!"
He told me his name!
It was Karl.
Karl the Manicorn.
He said that if I never told
a soul about what happened,
he'd share his secret with me.
And tonight I feel that secret
shall be revealed.
[Video game music playing]
- Have you seen my cat around?
Every night,
I wake up and catch him trying
to steal my breath.
- I thought
Dr. Freckles was dead.
- It turned out he was
just sleeping.
[Dr. Freckles growling]
- [Muffled]
- Nice going, Jerry.
You found Dr. Freckles.
- Oh, God! Gross!
- No.
That's exactly what
we wanted.
I've been blowing smoke
in Dr. Freckles' face
for 14 years, and everyone knows
the drugs stay in your hair,
ergo Dr. Freckles'
hairball will be
a potent source
of stoniness.
Check and mate to me.
- Blah!
- Let me try that.
- Blah!
Yeah, that's fun,
but it doesn't get you high.
I guess Dr. Freckles only got
secondhand smoke.
We, on the other hand,
have got a lot
of firsthand smoke.
Thus, it follows that our hair
will work better to get us high.
Yes, I am a genius.
- I'm not shaving my head.
- Not your head, dude.
- I can't.
- Why not?
- 'Cause I already shaved it.
You know, to make
everything look bigger?
- For who, dude?
- For me, Dave, OK?
I did it for me.
- [Retches]
Smoking hair is not
as cool as you think.
- You realize that this leaves
us with no other choice?
- No, Jerry.
- I don't like it either, Dave.
- Jerry, no!
- Dave, yes.
We have to go talk
with Laird Boonie.
- Aw! Come on, man!
I hate Laird Boonie.
I hate him so much.
[Honking horn]
- Here they are! Come and
get 'em, nerdos! Ha ha!
- But I can't even tell if these
are the ones we ordered.
They're totally covered
by this warning sticker.
- Are these stickers true?
- That's what the invasive,
over-reaching liberal
government says.
- Then we'll take 'em all.
- Hey, guys, check this out.
- This is awesome!
My big brother won't
even buy me beer!
- Oh, boy! I am so boning
my stepsister with this game!
- More where those
came from, boys!
Yee-ha!
[Video game music playing]
[Knocks on door]
- Hey, Laird.
It's me, Dave.
- Dave's not here, man.
- No, man, I'm Dave.
- No, man, Dave's not here.
- Damn it.
This is gonna take forever.
- This is the most sincere
turnip patch in the world.
That is why
the Manicorn will come.
"Ooh, that's amazing!"
- Holy crap, Karl.
It's that little fat kid from
last year that you dump-trucked.
- We'll see more of him
in an hour.
- Who is it again, man?
- Dave!
- Dave's not here, man.
- Let me try. Hey, Laird!
It's me, Jerry.
- Hey, Jerry, man. Come in.
Oh, who's this guy?
- Uh, Dave.
- Oh. Dave's not here, man.
- Sweet! Can we buy one
of those plants
and smoke it
right now, please?
- Of course, but it won't
get you high.
- I told you we shouldn't
have come, dude.
- Won't it get us even
a little high?
- Not even
the teeniest bit, man.
I have developed
a perfect pot plant.
Ideal for a thousand uses,
but absolutely incapable
of getting you stoned.
- Dude, why would you even do
something so retarded?
- Friend, getting high
has turned the world
against this most
magical plant.
- Do you have anything
that'll get us high?
- I might have one thing,
but it'll cost you
'cause it's antique, man.
- Fine, my life savings, but
it'll be worth it once we are
smoking that sweet, sweet
antique--rope?
- It's heirloom hemp, man.
- We'll take it.
We need something
for 420, man.
[Coughs]
Aw, you can't smoke rope.
- Did you say 420?
- Yeah, 420,
the day Jester Hopperpot
disappeared.
- Jester Hopperpot was
my best friend.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Jester and I met at one of
the first acid tests
in La Honda, California.
Jester produced a bong
from his pouch
and I produced some weed
from my pouch
and this beautiful maid produced
a lighter from her pouch.
Jester dreamed
of developing a weed
that would get you high
on just one hit.
He drove a psychedelic
school bus called Farther.
Last time I saw Jester,
he was driving that bus
into the sunset, man.
- And it was packed with
killer weed called Hiroshima
because it was so potent, dude,
it only took one hit.
- That's what they tell you
in school, man,
but that's not the truth.
- What do you mean?
- He did have a few hundred
pounds of Hiroshima
on the bus, but the real reason
Jester had to split
was that he stole
the Declaration of Independence.
- The Declaration
of Independence?
- Yeah, man. You know what
that thing is made of, right?
- Every stoner knows that--hemp.
- It was the sweetest hemp
the world had ever known, grown
by George Washington himself.
Jester was gonna take it
to his secret stoner cave
and smoke it at the end of his
favorite Grateful Dead song.
- Well, if he never came back,
maybe he's just dead.
- And if he's dead,
maybe he left some weed!
God, I hope he's dead.
- Whoa, man. That's a heavy
thing to wish on my man Jester.
- Did he leave anything behind
like, um, like a map?
- No, no map,
but he did leave this.
- That's a map, dude.
- Hey, it is a map, man.
- Yeah!
- We'll find Jester Hopperpot's
legendary stash,
and we will call ourselves
The Stonies!
- Stonies always get high.
[Chime]
- Listen, team,
Jerry and I have discovered
the possible location
of a psychedelic
school bus filled
with one-hit wonder weed
and the Declaration
of Independence.
I know 420 doesn't mean as much
to the rest of you
as it means to us,
but I hope you'll join us
in the search
for Jester Hopperpot.
- Is that the guy that once made
a bong load last
for 8 days and 8 nights?
- Yes.
- I heard he married a pot plant
and smoked it at the reception.
- Correct.
- And if you pray to him,
he can help you find stuff you
misplaced when you were stoned.
- That's not true, but he was
the first Waspafarian,
or a white guy with dreadlocks.
- I'll go with you guys,
even though Jerry's
an anti-Semite.
- Come on!
- You got my smokes?
- Yep.
- Then Benny's your man!
- Um, I have a pedicure
scheduled.
- We don't want you anyway.
- I don't understand.
- Shocking. You stay here
and do squats.
- Count me in because I like
exploring caves ♪
- What do you want?
- Not your sicko specials, dude.
We just need to find a hole
in the ground.
- The only hole here
is out back.
- Mmm.
[Smooch]
- All right, people,
let's do it!
Go, go, go!
- Dave, this is a toilet!
[Video game music playing]
- Whose ass is this?
- Whose hand is that?
- This is an awesome adventure.
- Congratulations, Dave!
You just got us all trapped
in a septic tank!
- Jerry, get the dope rope fired
up. It can be used as a torch.
At least it's good
for something.
- That one?
[Chime]
[Video game music playing]
[Bell dings]
- Hey, man, look.
A big cave.
- Who is this guy again?
- The Rubik's Cube,
a stoner's nightmare.
- There's some kind
of algorithm for this, right?
- Oh, no, tear gas.
Look, I'm already crying.
- You're crying because
you're a pussy.
That's sober gas,
developed by the military
for breaking up
hippie demonstrations.
One deep breath, and you can
never get high again.
- That's [bleep]
unthinkable, man!
I'm a game master.
Now, what would I do
if a game is too hard?
- You'd cheat.
- Yes, Mary, yes!
Everybody, we got
to change the stickers.
[Explosion, all yelling
in slow motion]
[Crash]
[Chime]
[Video game music plays,
bell dings]
- What the [bleep] is
that thing, a rain stick?
- Maybe it's a shofar?
- No, Mary, actually, a shofar
isn't straight like that.
It's usually spiral in shape and
made from the horn of an animal.
It's not necessary
that the shofar be made
from a kosher animal,
but it's generally accepted
that a cow horn should not be
used because of that animal's
association with
the false god Baal.
- Fine, Jerry.
You're not an anti-Semite.
- Shalom.
- That's a didgeridoo, man.
- Ohh!
The one-note nightmare,
second only
to the bongos in popularity
with the burnouts.
Can anybody play one
of these?
- I played the tuba
in my high school band.
- Of course you did.
Why wouldn't she?
- My God, girl.
Can you think of any more ways
to make yourself [bleep]?
- If you guys don't want me to
try it, I'll just back my way--
- Come on, Mary!
You can do it! Come on!
Nothing's happening.
- Look out! Throwing stars!
- Those aren't throwing stars!
They're razor-edged Frisbees!
- Run! Killer Frisbees!
- Blow, Mary, blow!
Use those DSLs!
- Your boring skills
are working!
[Bell dings]
- Man, all these tunnels
look alike.
- What the [bleep] is up
with the beanbag?
- That's not a beanbag.
- That's a rasta-colored
hacky-sack.
- "Not cool"? Who cares?
- Not cool, literally.
- Hilarious.
OK, people, let's go.
Marijuana, Mary Jane, green,
kind, dope, stank, skunk.
- Indica, sinse, pot, grass,
bud, ganja,
bong load, doobage!
- Gak, dank, troll, sniper,
jolly green banana.
- Viet Chong,
Congolese crippler,
warlock,
short-buzz biofuel,
Tom Bombadil,
red-headed stepchild!
- Riddler, jungle fungus,
Cro-Magnon,
Vancouver salad, Topanga
brain gank, short-term what?
- Bolognese brush fire,
GED test strip,
Polynesian paka,
Incredible Hulk! Take it, Dave!
- Getting there.
Manchurian candy,
hobo harvest, Mojave dry mouth,
solvent Heston, chin strap.
- Cambodian ball gag!
- And Arabian crime
because it gets you
so stoned!
[Laughing]
We did it!
[Video game music plays,
bell dings]
- Jester Hopperpot's
psychedelic school bus,
and inside, the world's
sweetest stash,
the sweetest stash
the world has ever known.
- Oh, hey, man, it's Jester.
Oh, he looks weird, dude.
- Exactly. Jester Hopperpot was
going to listen to his favorite
Grateful Dead song and smoke
the Declaration of Independence
at the end of it.
[Bleep] Grateful Dead
and their endless jams?
- Actually, it looks
like he had it on repeat.
- We hold these truths
to be self-evident
that we are stoners, and we are
about to get extremely high.
- Stonies always get high!
- Wait a minute.
Laird Boonie's here.
That means our adventure
really happened.
- Yep. You came over
to my place, we got high
on rope, and came here to watch
your copy of "The Goonies."
What a wonderful adventure.
- That's not an adventure.
That's a regular [bleep] day
in Sunnyvale.
[Chime]
- You are now forbidden to place
warning labels on any kind
of your satanic games.
- But the kiddos love 'em!
How am I supposed
to sell games
that don't promise
to get you high and laid?
- Not my problem.
I have to go buy
expensive dresses
and think of what I can say
that will end drug use forever.
- No!
- That's an excellent idea,
young man.
Just say no.
- No!
- You're right.
It's perfect.
- What the hell is going on?!
This is not what 420
is about!
Isn't there anybody that knows
what 420 is about?
- Sure, Dave.
I can tell you what 420
is all about.
Not some stupid myth, man,
but the real legend.
Lights, please.
And there were 4 stoners
at San Rafael High School, man,
and though they'd meet
after school to smoke weed
at the Louis Pasteur
statue, man,
they weren't afraid of the--
of the vice principal, man.
Behold that we brought tidings
of great stoniness, man,
and on Earth, there was
peace among men, man.
And that's what 420's
all about, Dave.
I mean, this is
dialectical, man.
What are you gonna do?
Uh, this is whole numbers.
You can't drink a quarter
of an eggnog, you--
- Why don't you get a haircut?
- [Humming a hymn]
- Happy 420, everybody!
[Raspberry]
- The Manicorn will
be here, Tiffany.
"That's what you've been
saying for hours!"
Patience, my dear, please--
"Don't you 'my dear' me!
I'm leaving, no matter
how sexy you are!"
Fine! Get out of here!
"Fine! I'm going!"
The Great Manicorn!
Fill me full of
your ancient secrets.
Ooh! Jack, go get
my tire iron,
axel grease, and some ear plugs.
- You mind if I grab a photo
to let people know you exist?
- Absolutely!
- Now we will see who
the fool is.
[Video game music plays,
elephants trumpet]
- It was the sweetest hemp
the world had ever known.