Colin's Sandwich (1988) s02e01 Episode Script
A Bit Whiffy
Colin, your story's definitely in.
Absolutely positive.
It's at the printers right now.
No, no, the printers have absolutely no say in what goes in the book at all.
Colin, your story will be in the Langley Book of Horror when it comes out on the 17th.
Yes.
17th.
There aren't 70 days in a month.
Colin, I don't know what else to say.
I mean barring a plague of paper-eating locusts devouring every copy of the book before Monday, your story will be there.
That was a joke, Colin.
Aaaaagh! - Morning, Colin.
- Morning, Mr Travers.
Department meeting at two this afternoon, Colin.
If you'd tell the others? Yes, Mr Travers.
- Colin - Yes? You know you've got odd socks on.
What I couldn't get over was the way that your story was so funny, so scary and so real, all at the same time.
I love this! For once to get something really original.
Oh, yes! Go on, praise me again.
You know, something that really grips you.
And again.
That ending took me completely by surprise.
Oh, God! This is better than sex.
Oh, this is Malcolm Edison, John's partner.
Colin Watkins.
Colin, great to meet you at last.
John's told me all about you.
- Pleased to meet to you.
- All I can say is sensational.
- Sorry, didn't quite catch that last bit.
- I said sensational.
Oh, one does one's bit, yes.
The standard of this year's book was higher than ever, but your story still stood out.
Oh, I thought there were some other terrific stories in there as well.
Leave it out, Watkins, you haven't read any of them.
I mean, they all had their own distinctive style, didn't they? You started one, got bored senseless by the first word and read yours for the 18th time.
More wine, Colin? - No, I've got to be at a staff meeting at two.
- Back to the workaday world, eh? Shame you can't stay, I've just sent out for another crate of Bollinger.
Listen, Colin Does the name Alan Hunter mean anything to you? - What, the film producer? - Always on the look-out for new screenwriters.
Now I've given him your number, if that's OK? Cos I think you've got a great visual sense.
And you handle dialogue beautifully.
Ever fancied writing a screenplay? It's two o'clock now, ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to try and wind this up by seven.
Oh, Mr Travers! Now, as you're all probably aware, Marketing are currently drawing up a list of candidates for the Network SouthEast Station of the Year.
They've asked us to check through this year's customer questionnaires to see if there are any consistently good performers worthy of inclusion on the list.
Ever fancied writing a screenplay? Points to be taken into account will be - general cleanliness, refreshment facilities, the state of automatic ticketing machines, staff courtesy and, of course, that old bugbear, the distance between carriage doors and platforms.
Cause for some concern in recent weeks.
Wasn't it Letchworth where they had to put a plank across? Yeah, oh, yeah.
By the way, all staff here are invited to the Tower Crest Hotel on Friday night for the award ceremony.
And the nominations are Best Original Screenplay- Colin Watkins.
Best Original Screenplay In a Foreign Language - Colin Watkins.
Best Supporting Actress - Colin Watkins.
The Alfred Hitchcock Award for the most Breathtakingly Super Contributions Ever, And We Mean Ever, In The History Of Horror And Suspense Motion Picture-Making - goes to - Colin? - Thank you, thank you.
I really don't - Eh? Sorry, sorry.
I said we'd start with the southern section and then work our way round, is that OK with you? Fine, fine.
I see the old familiar faces are cropping up again - Coulsdon South, Effingham Junction, Bromley North Tonight's Film 89 takes a retrospective look at the work of Colin Watkins, the foremost screenwriter of our generation.
We joined him recently at his home in California.
Colin, you've won about every award going in the film business.
Do you feel a sense of anti-climax now? Barry, every evening when I step out on to my veranda - pass me my towel, would you? I look out over the bay, see the lights of Santa Monica twinkling at dusk and I think to myself Haywards Heath smells like a urinal.
It doesn't stand a monkey's! I don't see the point of looking at these things, anyway.
Half the questions haven't been answered, they're covered in stains, shopping lists.
Someone's written "bollocks" all over this one.
Is the general feeling here that questionnaires are unreliable? Colin, what do you think? Colin? Colin? Colin! Colin.
Hmm? I said, what time's the table booked for? It won't last, of course.
The book will be a turkey.
I'll find it in a bargain bin next week reduced to 99p.
Oh Come on, snap out of it, Watkins! For once the sun's out and you're going to enjoy it.
Nine o'clock.
Now what about those books you want me to sign? Oh, yes.
Two for work, one for Sarah and three for Stuart and Rosemary.
- Three? - One's for Joshua.
- He's only 18 months.
- Sarah couldn't wait to have it signed.
- She phoned me twice at work to remind me.
- I want to have intercourse with her.
Are you sure you don't mind going to Brian's first tonight? He's your new head of department.
It won't hurt being sycophantic for an hour or so.
He'll have plenty of time to meet us in the week.
Look, I want to go.
I want to meet your crowd, get away from the writing for a while.
That's one of the problems with fame.
Some people get one whiff of it and they become totally self-obsessed.
It's sad really.
It's me! Colin Watkins! The writer! Don't you realise who's in this room with you, you ignorant rabble? So how long have you been with the company? Oh, about six years.
So what's your line of business then? Who cares? What about me? - It's not very interesting.
- I'm sure it is.
I work for a German synthetic fibres company.
Quite right- dull as shit.
Now talk about me.
So where are you based? I sort of commute between London and Düsseldorf.
That must be fun.
Not really.
I seem to spend half my time at airports these days.
- The Langley Book of Horror.
- Pardon? What? Sorry, I thought you asked me what book I was reading at the moment.
- No.
- Sorry, you didn't? Obviously not.
Sorry.
Yes, lugging samples backwards and forwards can be so tiresome.
Yes, I have a hell of a job with my typewriter whenever I go abroad.
- I usually take it as hand luggage.
- Yes, the checkout people can be so officious.
- Typewriter.
- Yes? - Sorry, that's what I said.
- I know.
I thought that with all the noise you might have missed it - me saying "typewriter", as in my typewriter, you know, the one I need for my work.
Oh, I see, so you sell typewriters, do you? Colin's too modest.
He's a writer.
He's had quite a bit of success recently.
Oh, come on Jen! You don't have to foist it on the poor bloke.
Excuse me, Jen, could you spare a few moments? Brian's dying to meet you.
Of course.
Yes, yes, I am a writer, I suppose.
Langley Book of Horror and all that.
I do have a sort of job at British Rail that keeps me in touch with the workaday world.
No, once a writer always a writer, I'm afraid.
British Rail? Really? Now that must be interesting.
That was Hunter's secretary who rang just before we left, you see.
- I'm going to see him on Wednesday.
- Who? Alan, Alan Hunter - the bloke I've been talking about.
- Oh, yes.
- Imagine me in Alan bloody Hunter's office.
He produced Dark Window.
Now that film won an Oscar for Best Do you know I was besotted with you when we first met? What? Look, you don't seem to realise, this bloke's one of the leading producers Lord knows why.
It was probably because you had that "mature student" feel about you.
And you never got involved in the college social life.
It was sort of beneath you.
No, you were too busy turning out your stories for the college magazine.
Anyway, apparently he's currently developing this series of thrillers with this US company You used to just sit there in your study puffing on your pipe and typing.
- You're not listening.
- It was always going out.
You never did quite get the knack, did you? Alan Hunter is looking for British writers to work on the series.
Don't you see, it's a chance for me to do a screenplay! The rest of us all go off and get our steady, predictable jobs.
You get a terrific degree, ditch the writing and become a croupier.
Now what was it? Grape-picking? No, no, selling carpets in Tangiers? I never sold carpets, Jen! I was a tour rep.
I sold a couple of carpets on the side to top up the commission, that was all.
Then it was back to London and good old BR, of all places.
And now, best-selling author.
What about me? Same company for six years, where did I go wrong? What are you talking about? You'll be running that department soon.
Well, all I can say is thank God for today! At last, at long bloody last! - Here's to you! - Here's to us.
Yes, you're right, it's my day as well.
I mean, God knows how long I've watched you drift while I see so many talentless dickheads elbow their way to the front.
I don't care - they are dickheads! - Dickheads!! - Jen! Jen! I'm sorry.
- Are you all right? God, you're tanking it a bit.
- No, no, I'm fine.
God, if we can't celebrate.
Look, let's not talk about me any more.
I've been hogging the whole day.
Tell me about Brian, what's he like? - He's all right.
- Is that all? Well, what else is there say? Well, he's your new boss.
You spent half the evening talking to him.
Two a penny.
Anyway, I don't want to talk about Brian.
I want to talk about you.
Jen! Jen! Jen, no! I'm all right.
Do you know something? You ought to think about writing a screenplay.
That's what I've been saying.
That is the whole point of the meeting.
- What, the meeting with Alvin Hunter? - Alan Hunter.
- Yes, yes, yes, I know.
Now when is it? - Wednesday, 2:30.
Trouble is, if he asks me what I've done, I've only got the Langley Book of Horror.
- So I'll have to massage the old CV a bit.
- Where does he live? - What's that got to do with it? - What? Why are you asking me where he lives? I don't know, I was asking you.
No, I'm not going to his house.
I'm going to his office.
- Who's office? - Alan Hunter! Who? Alan will be along in a moment.
Have a seat, if you can find one.
Where the hell is it? You put something down, it bleeding walks away! Ah! - Vicky! The fridge ain't working! - The man came this morning.
I don't care! It's not working.
Sorry, it's warm.
Have a seat.
I, er, I loved Dark Window, by the way.
It was a great film.
Actually, I saw it twice.
So you're Colin then? Yeah.
Which one of these is yours? Out of Commission, it's the one at the end.
Christ, I'm bushed! I've been shooting elephants all night.
- Elephants? - Yeah, 20 of them.
Balmy creatures.
Don't ever write me anything with elephants in it.
No.
So tell us a bit about yourself.
I love your story, by the way.
Oh, thanks very much.
Right, well, basically, I What exactly have you done? Done? Done? Well There's, er, there's been the Langley Book of Horror, as you know I was really I was really quite heavily involved in that, erm And, well, before the Langley Book of Horror I had a few things sort of in the pipeline.
One or two of them just in the embryonic stages, actually.
Erm, and then the, the, the Langley Book of Horror And obviously I had to put those on the back burner, you see.
But now that the Langley Book of Horror is over, I've cleared the decks a bit and I can sort of juggle my options a bit.
- Bugger all, in other words? - Yep.
Like most people in this business.
Look, we're getting the money together for a series of thrillers with LTV in the States.
Now it's a co-production, so we're looking for American and British writers.
Now I want it gritty, real, original.
None of this "made-for-TV" crap, right.
I need something to show our backers - so I shall want a treatment from you by Friday.
- A treatment? - Yep.
So, so I'll have it for you by Friday then.
So, anyway, I'll be off.
Thanks.
Yeah? Steve! Well, it's about time, mate.
Eh? Look, you're going to have to speak up, I can hardly hear you.
What? You're joking! I'll see you then.
Don't be daft! So what? That is not my problem.
Well, you can tell Andy he's a prat! Well, someone's going to have to sort it out.
No, Steve.
You speak to him.
Now I can hardly sort it out from 6,000 miles away, can I? Hold on a minute, Steve.
Hold on.
Get us a coffee, will you? So that was it -just the two of us.
Old Al and me having a couple of beers, discussing the future of the British film industry.
I think he likes someone who speaks his language, you know what I mean? - I got the impression he was in awe of me.
- Colin? So old Alan Hunter wants a treatment by Friday, does he? Just as well the old Watkins' genius doesn't sit around.
Yeah, I managed to wangle all of tomorrow off.
Erm, hang on! Jen, what is a treatment exactly? - I don't know.
- It's a sort of summary, isn't it? - I said I don't know.
- But what does he want? A page? - Two pages? Lord Of The Rings? - Colin, I've been made redundant.
What does he want prose, dialogue? Maybe he wants it carved in runes on a boulder and dumped on Salisbury Plain! I've lost my job.
- Eh? - I've been made redundant.
- What, you? Redundant? - Yes! Redundant? Oh, let's see if there's another way of saying this.
- I don't believe it.
- Brian told me last week at the party.
- Last week? - Half the department's gone.
The company lost over a million pounds last year! Six years you've given them! You get eaten up and spat out.
It's obscene! Cos I knew it.
I knew it.
- It was bound to come.
- What do you mean? Oh, the little brown envelope.
"Dear Mr Watkins, it has come to our attention things have been going rather well recently.
Here within enclosed our account - one pound of flesh to be forwarded immediately.
" - It's me that's redundant.
- I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
Doesn't it affect both of us, though? I've been whooping it up for the past four days and you've had all this lot on your mind.
Why didn't you tell me? It was your celebration night.
I wasn't going to spoil it for you.
Anyway, I've got a job interview on Friday.
It's a cast-iron certainty I'll get it.
The whole thing will be sorted out by then.
Now, I fancy going out.
Do you want a Chinese? - Going out? - Yes.
What, going out to eat, now? Well, what are we to do? Sit here and mope? Well Or perhaps I should wear black and go wailing down the high street? - No.
- Well, what do you want to do? I don't know.
Just sit here for a bit.
Get orientated.
I don't know.
Well, you sit here and get orientated and you can meet me at the restaurant later if you like.
It's all right for you - you've had the weekend to get over it.
You got any other bombshells tucked away? You haven't been working as an undercover agent for the Nigerian government? You haven't got Shergar grazing on your back lawn? - There's no point in raking the ashes.
- I mean, you've known since last week! God! No wonder you were so odd in that restaurant.
I do think we should share things a bit more, Jen, you know.
Blimey, I ring you up at four in the morning if I've got a bit of floss stuck in my teeth.
You have ten nervous breakdowns, you give birth to a donkey and I find out about it from the bloke in the video shop.
- What? - Frank Sinatra, I've Got You Under My Skin? - Nothing, it's nothing - Mozart, Wind Serenade, No.
361? The Doobie Brothers, What A Fool Believes? Number five - Puccini's Nessun Dorma.
It's your Desert Island Discs.
Oh, how sweet! The theme from Boss Cat? - How's it going? - Nearly finished.
That's quick.
Are you going to get it to him today? - Who? - Alan Hunter.
- I'm typing your CV.
- My CV? Take that thing off! What are you doing a CV for? The company did one.
I know, but it was half-cocked.
This one sells you a lot better.
Oh, the "L" doesn't work, so I had to use a one.
I'm very grateful, but there's really no need.
Oh, look, I've scanned this lot for you.
Red is for definite, blue for iffy and black, last resort.
"Petrol Attendant, Heron Garages, Apex Corner".
Thank you very much! "Last resort," I said.
You've got to keep your options open.
- You've marked it in red.
- Oh, have I? Oh! I tried to get hold of that PR rag of yours - what's it called? PR Beano or something? PR Week.
Look, don't worry, if I need it, I'll get it next week.
Next week? You've gotta move fast.
Kids coming out of college nowadays, they buy the magazine at eight, they've got the interview at nine, they've got the job by ten, they're having their first coronary by half past two! You can't sit down.
And And what? Well, I mean let's be honest, neither of us are getting any younger, are we? Pardon?! Well, you know what I mean? I mean, you look great, you know.
I mean I mean, with make-up you could look 20.
No no problem.
For the first time in my life I've got time on my hands.
Now I'm going to slop around here for the rest of the afternoon and that is that.
Right.
That holiday job you had at Sainsbury's - was it one or two weeks? - One.
- Yeah, I think I'll make it two.
- If he offers you a cigarette, decline politely.
- I don't smoke! But you might get nervous and start taking it up.
But don't go on about not smoking too much either.
The last thing he wants is some anti-smoking fanatic charging round his office opening all his windows.
Any other tips? Yes.
Make eye contact, like this.
But don't try and stare him out.
And answer the questions, don't ramble.
Now let's see if I've got it.
If he offers me a cigarette, I take one.
- No.
- No, no, I don't.
- But I really kick up a stink if he has one.
- What? And I sort of look at him bashfully from behind my briefcase while rambling incoherently and slapping his buttocks with my curriculum vitae.
- Do you want this job or not? - Look, I've known David for years.
We've always got on really well.
I'd be surprised if he didn't offer me the job on the spot.
- Don't say that! - Look, can I go now? I'm not sure - that eye make-up doesn't really go with your dress, you know.
I'll be about an hour.
You sure you don't mind waiting? Come here! Open your mouth.
Yeah, OK, off you go.
I mean, he promised.
I don't believe it.
Go on, say it.
- What? - "I told you so!" Look, it's not your fault the guy led you on.
Anyway, I don't like the look of this place.
I mean, look at it.
- It's Well, it's - Smart.
All right, it's smart, yeah, but it's a pain to get to.
Three stops on the Underground.
- Well, was it the sort of job you really wanted? - It was ideal.
But you've got to admit, the commissionaire was pretty ugly.
Got the shortlist for tonight's awards, guys.
And it is Beckenham Junction, Ponders End, Haywards Heath, Leighton Buzzard and Huntingdon.
Huntingdon? What Haywards Heath's doing there, Lord knows? Huntingdon? That's where the head of Marketing comes from.
Station manager polishes his Granada for him while it's in the car park.
Well, Leighton Buzzard should walk it no problem.
They've got a tropical fish tank in the waiting room.
Huntingdon? Huntingdon? Huntingdon? Hunter! - Alan Hunter! - What? - Oh, my God! What day is it? - Friday.
Oh, no! The treatment- he wanted it today! - 'Tango Universal Films.
' - Can I speak to Alan Huntingdon, please? - Who? - Alan Huntingdon.
Sorry, Alan Hunter.
- 'Alan's gone to New York.
' - Oh, no! - Er, when will he be back? - 'He'll be there for the rest of the month.
' Oh, God! Hell! This is Colin Watkins.
You know, the writer he met last week.
'Alan saw about 40 writers last week.
' Oh.
Well, anyway, it's about that treatment.
It's a bit late, I know.
Well, as a matter of fact, I haven't actually had the chance to I could probably have it done by tomorrow.
Is there any way I could send it on by courier or something? 'I don't know.
He's seeing the backers for the project on Monday.
' What, and then is that it? No more contributions? 'As far as I know, he's got all the material he needs.
' Oh, shit! Is there no way I can get in touch with him? 'Not really.
' - Come on, Col.
Cab will be here now.
- Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute.
'Hang on, I've got to fax a couple of contracts through to him shortly.
Give me your number, I'll tell him to phone you.
' Thanks, erm Well, the direct line is 828-7655.
'All right.
OK, stay put, I'll see what I can do.
' Thanks.
Come on, Col.
We're all waiting for you in the cab, mate.
Erm, I tell you what, I'll meet you guys at the hotel, OK? No, no, we're all going together.
The thing is, I've got a couple things to do actually, so, er No, that's all right.
We'll wait.
The point is, you see, Graham - I'm not coming.
- Eh? Well, it's been such a long day.
I'm completely bushed.
But you only got in at four.
Yeah, precisely, that's why I've so much work to do.
- I've got to thrash through this lot tonight.
- But you said you were tired.
- What? - You just said you were bushed.
Yes, physically, yes, but, you know but not, not you know, not - What? - Look, just go, will you? All right, all right! Oh, hell! Hello? Hello? Hello? Please, come and open the door, you bastard! You pay these people Dickensian wages to do a job! 15p an hour he gets and he can't shift his arse up here to open a bloody door! Hello! Yes, yes! I'm coming! I'm coming! Please, please, someone help me! Please! Right! Right, that's it! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't hang up! I'm coming.
I'm coming! Hello! Hello? 'Col, guess what? Haywards Heath won it.
'
Absolutely positive.
It's at the printers right now.
No, no, the printers have absolutely no say in what goes in the book at all.
Colin, your story will be in the Langley Book of Horror when it comes out on the 17th.
Yes.
17th.
There aren't 70 days in a month.
Colin, I don't know what else to say.
I mean barring a plague of paper-eating locusts devouring every copy of the book before Monday, your story will be there.
That was a joke, Colin.
Aaaaagh! - Morning, Colin.
- Morning, Mr Travers.
Department meeting at two this afternoon, Colin.
If you'd tell the others? Yes, Mr Travers.
- Colin - Yes? You know you've got odd socks on.
What I couldn't get over was the way that your story was so funny, so scary and so real, all at the same time.
I love this! For once to get something really original.
Oh, yes! Go on, praise me again.
You know, something that really grips you.
And again.
That ending took me completely by surprise.
Oh, God! This is better than sex.
Oh, this is Malcolm Edison, John's partner.
Colin Watkins.
Colin, great to meet you at last.
John's told me all about you.
- Pleased to meet to you.
- All I can say is sensational.
- Sorry, didn't quite catch that last bit.
- I said sensational.
Oh, one does one's bit, yes.
The standard of this year's book was higher than ever, but your story still stood out.
Oh, I thought there were some other terrific stories in there as well.
Leave it out, Watkins, you haven't read any of them.
I mean, they all had their own distinctive style, didn't they? You started one, got bored senseless by the first word and read yours for the 18th time.
More wine, Colin? - No, I've got to be at a staff meeting at two.
- Back to the workaday world, eh? Shame you can't stay, I've just sent out for another crate of Bollinger.
Listen, Colin Does the name Alan Hunter mean anything to you? - What, the film producer? - Always on the look-out for new screenwriters.
Now I've given him your number, if that's OK? Cos I think you've got a great visual sense.
And you handle dialogue beautifully.
Ever fancied writing a screenplay? It's two o'clock now, ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to try and wind this up by seven.
Oh, Mr Travers! Now, as you're all probably aware, Marketing are currently drawing up a list of candidates for the Network SouthEast Station of the Year.
They've asked us to check through this year's customer questionnaires to see if there are any consistently good performers worthy of inclusion on the list.
Ever fancied writing a screenplay? Points to be taken into account will be - general cleanliness, refreshment facilities, the state of automatic ticketing machines, staff courtesy and, of course, that old bugbear, the distance between carriage doors and platforms.
Cause for some concern in recent weeks.
Wasn't it Letchworth where they had to put a plank across? Yeah, oh, yeah.
By the way, all staff here are invited to the Tower Crest Hotel on Friday night for the award ceremony.
And the nominations are Best Original Screenplay- Colin Watkins.
Best Original Screenplay In a Foreign Language - Colin Watkins.
Best Supporting Actress - Colin Watkins.
The Alfred Hitchcock Award for the most Breathtakingly Super Contributions Ever, And We Mean Ever, In The History Of Horror And Suspense Motion Picture-Making - goes to - Colin? - Thank you, thank you.
I really don't - Eh? Sorry, sorry.
I said we'd start with the southern section and then work our way round, is that OK with you? Fine, fine.
I see the old familiar faces are cropping up again - Coulsdon South, Effingham Junction, Bromley North Tonight's Film 89 takes a retrospective look at the work of Colin Watkins, the foremost screenwriter of our generation.
We joined him recently at his home in California.
Colin, you've won about every award going in the film business.
Do you feel a sense of anti-climax now? Barry, every evening when I step out on to my veranda - pass me my towel, would you? I look out over the bay, see the lights of Santa Monica twinkling at dusk and I think to myself Haywards Heath smells like a urinal.
It doesn't stand a monkey's! I don't see the point of looking at these things, anyway.
Half the questions haven't been answered, they're covered in stains, shopping lists.
Someone's written "bollocks" all over this one.
Is the general feeling here that questionnaires are unreliable? Colin, what do you think? Colin? Colin? Colin! Colin.
Hmm? I said, what time's the table booked for? It won't last, of course.
The book will be a turkey.
I'll find it in a bargain bin next week reduced to 99p.
Oh Come on, snap out of it, Watkins! For once the sun's out and you're going to enjoy it.
Nine o'clock.
Now what about those books you want me to sign? Oh, yes.
Two for work, one for Sarah and three for Stuart and Rosemary.
- Three? - One's for Joshua.
- He's only 18 months.
- Sarah couldn't wait to have it signed.
- She phoned me twice at work to remind me.
- I want to have intercourse with her.
Are you sure you don't mind going to Brian's first tonight? He's your new head of department.
It won't hurt being sycophantic for an hour or so.
He'll have plenty of time to meet us in the week.
Look, I want to go.
I want to meet your crowd, get away from the writing for a while.
That's one of the problems with fame.
Some people get one whiff of it and they become totally self-obsessed.
It's sad really.
It's me! Colin Watkins! The writer! Don't you realise who's in this room with you, you ignorant rabble? So how long have you been with the company? Oh, about six years.
So what's your line of business then? Who cares? What about me? - It's not very interesting.
- I'm sure it is.
I work for a German synthetic fibres company.
Quite right- dull as shit.
Now talk about me.
So where are you based? I sort of commute between London and Düsseldorf.
That must be fun.
Not really.
I seem to spend half my time at airports these days.
- The Langley Book of Horror.
- Pardon? What? Sorry, I thought you asked me what book I was reading at the moment.
- No.
- Sorry, you didn't? Obviously not.
Sorry.
Yes, lugging samples backwards and forwards can be so tiresome.
Yes, I have a hell of a job with my typewriter whenever I go abroad.
- I usually take it as hand luggage.
- Yes, the checkout people can be so officious.
- Typewriter.
- Yes? - Sorry, that's what I said.
- I know.
I thought that with all the noise you might have missed it - me saying "typewriter", as in my typewriter, you know, the one I need for my work.
Oh, I see, so you sell typewriters, do you? Colin's too modest.
He's a writer.
He's had quite a bit of success recently.
Oh, come on Jen! You don't have to foist it on the poor bloke.
Excuse me, Jen, could you spare a few moments? Brian's dying to meet you.
Of course.
Yes, yes, I am a writer, I suppose.
Langley Book of Horror and all that.
I do have a sort of job at British Rail that keeps me in touch with the workaday world.
No, once a writer always a writer, I'm afraid.
British Rail? Really? Now that must be interesting.
That was Hunter's secretary who rang just before we left, you see.
- I'm going to see him on Wednesday.
- Who? Alan, Alan Hunter - the bloke I've been talking about.
- Oh, yes.
- Imagine me in Alan bloody Hunter's office.
He produced Dark Window.
Now that film won an Oscar for Best Do you know I was besotted with you when we first met? What? Look, you don't seem to realise, this bloke's one of the leading producers Lord knows why.
It was probably because you had that "mature student" feel about you.
And you never got involved in the college social life.
It was sort of beneath you.
No, you were too busy turning out your stories for the college magazine.
Anyway, apparently he's currently developing this series of thrillers with this US company You used to just sit there in your study puffing on your pipe and typing.
- You're not listening.
- It was always going out.
You never did quite get the knack, did you? Alan Hunter is looking for British writers to work on the series.
Don't you see, it's a chance for me to do a screenplay! The rest of us all go off and get our steady, predictable jobs.
You get a terrific degree, ditch the writing and become a croupier.
Now what was it? Grape-picking? No, no, selling carpets in Tangiers? I never sold carpets, Jen! I was a tour rep.
I sold a couple of carpets on the side to top up the commission, that was all.
Then it was back to London and good old BR, of all places.
And now, best-selling author.
What about me? Same company for six years, where did I go wrong? What are you talking about? You'll be running that department soon.
Well, all I can say is thank God for today! At last, at long bloody last! - Here's to you! - Here's to us.
Yes, you're right, it's my day as well.
I mean, God knows how long I've watched you drift while I see so many talentless dickheads elbow their way to the front.
I don't care - they are dickheads! - Dickheads!! - Jen! Jen! I'm sorry.
- Are you all right? God, you're tanking it a bit.
- No, no, I'm fine.
God, if we can't celebrate.
Look, let's not talk about me any more.
I've been hogging the whole day.
Tell me about Brian, what's he like? - He's all right.
- Is that all? Well, what else is there say? Well, he's your new boss.
You spent half the evening talking to him.
Two a penny.
Anyway, I don't want to talk about Brian.
I want to talk about you.
Jen! Jen! Jen, no! I'm all right.
Do you know something? You ought to think about writing a screenplay.
That's what I've been saying.
That is the whole point of the meeting.
- What, the meeting with Alvin Hunter? - Alan Hunter.
- Yes, yes, yes, I know.
Now when is it? - Wednesday, 2:30.
Trouble is, if he asks me what I've done, I've only got the Langley Book of Horror.
- So I'll have to massage the old CV a bit.
- Where does he live? - What's that got to do with it? - What? Why are you asking me where he lives? I don't know, I was asking you.
No, I'm not going to his house.
I'm going to his office.
- Who's office? - Alan Hunter! Who? Alan will be along in a moment.
Have a seat, if you can find one.
Where the hell is it? You put something down, it bleeding walks away! Ah! - Vicky! The fridge ain't working! - The man came this morning.
I don't care! It's not working.
Sorry, it's warm.
Have a seat.
I, er, I loved Dark Window, by the way.
It was a great film.
Actually, I saw it twice.
So you're Colin then? Yeah.
Which one of these is yours? Out of Commission, it's the one at the end.
Christ, I'm bushed! I've been shooting elephants all night.
- Elephants? - Yeah, 20 of them.
Balmy creatures.
Don't ever write me anything with elephants in it.
No.
So tell us a bit about yourself.
I love your story, by the way.
Oh, thanks very much.
Right, well, basically, I What exactly have you done? Done? Done? Well There's, er, there's been the Langley Book of Horror, as you know I was really I was really quite heavily involved in that, erm And, well, before the Langley Book of Horror I had a few things sort of in the pipeline.
One or two of them just in the embryonic stages, actually.
Erm, and then the, the, the Langley Book of Horror And obviously I had to put those on the back burner, you see.
But now that the Langley Book of Horror is over, I've cleared the decks a bit and I can sort of juggle my options a bit.
- Bugger all, in other words? - Yep.
Like most people in this business.
Look, we're getting the money together for a series of thrillers with LTV in the States.
Now it's a co-production, so we're looking for American and British writers.
Now I want it gritty, real, original.
None of this "made-for-TV" crap, right.
I need something to show our backers - so I shall want a treatment from you by Friday.
- A treatment? - Yep.
So, so I'll have it for you by Friday then.
So, anyway, I'll be off.
Thanks.
Yeah? Steve! Well, it's about time, mate.
Eh? Look, you're going to have to speak up, I can hardly hear you.
What? You're joking! I'll see you then.
Don't be daft! So what? That is not my problem.
Well, you can tell Andy he's a prat! Well, someone's going to have to sort it out.
No, Steve.
You speak to him.
Now I can hardly sort it out from 6,000 miles away, can I? Hold on a minute, Steve.
Hold on.
Get us a coffee, will you? So that was it -just the two of us.
Old Al and me having a couple of beers, discussing the future of the British film industry.
I think he likes someone who speaks his language, you know what I mean? - I got the impression he was in awe of me.
- Colin? So old Alan Hunter wants a treatment by Friday, does he? Just as well the old Watkins' genius doesn't sit around.
Yeah, I managed to wangle all of tomorrow off.
Erm, hang on! Jen, what is a treatment exactly? - I don't know.
- It's a sort of summary, isn't it? - I said I don't know.
- But what does he want? A page? - Two pages? Lord Of The Rings? - Colin, I've been made redundant.
What does he want prose, dialogue? Maybe he wants it carved in runes on a boulder and dumped on Salisbury Plain! I've lost my job.
- Eh? - I've been made redundant.
- What, you? Redundant? - Yes! Redundant? Oh, let's see if there's another way of saying this.
- I don't believe it.
- Brian told me last week at the party.
- Last week? - Half the department's gone.
The company lost over a million pounds last year! Six years you've given them! You get eaten up and spat out.
It's obscene! Cos I knew it.
I knew it.
- It was bound to come.
- What do you mean? Oh, the little brown envelope.
"Dear Mr Watkins, it has come to our attention things have been going rather well recently.
Here within enclosed our account - one pound of flesh to be forwarded immediately.
" - It's me that's redundant.
- I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
Doesn't it affect both of us, though? I've been whooping it up for the past four days and you've had all this lot on your mind.
Why didn't you tell me? It was your celebration night.
I wasn't going to spoil it for you.
Anyway, I've got a job interview on Friday.
It's a cast-iron certainty I'll get it.
The whole thing will be sorted out by then.
Now, I fancy going out.
Do you want a Chinese? - Going out? - Yes.
What, going out to eat, now? Well, what are we to do? Sit here and mope? Well Or perhaps I should wear black and go wailing down the high street? - No.
- Well, what do you want to do? I don't know.
Just sit here for a bit.
Get orientated.
I don't know.
Well, you sit here and get orientated and you can meet me at the restaurant later if you like.
It's all right for you - you've had the weekend to get over it.
You got any other bombshells tucked away? You haven't been working as an undercover agent for the Nigerian government? You haven't got Shergar grazing on your back lawn? - There's no point in raking the ashes.
- I mean, you've known since last week! God! No wonder you were so odd in that restaurant.
I do think we should share things a bit more, Jen, you know.
Blimey, I ring you up at four in the morning if I've got a bit of floss stuck in my teeth.
You have ten nervous breakdowns, you give birth to a donkey and I find out about it from the bloke in the video shop.
- What? - Frank Sinatra, I've Got You Under My Skin? - Nothing, it's nothing - Mozart, Wind Serenade, No.
361? The Doobie Brothers, What A Fool Believes? Number five - Puccini's Nessun Dorma.
It's your Desert Island Discs.
Oh, how sweet! The theme from Boss Cat? - How's it going? - Nearly finished.
That's quick.
Are you going to get it to him today? - Who? - Alan Hunter.
- I'm typing your CV.
- My CV? Take that thing off! What are you doing a CV for? The company did one.
I know, but it was half-cocked.
This one sells you a lot better.
Oh, the "L" doesn't work, so I had to use a one.
I'm very grateful, but there's really no need.
Oh, look, I've scanned this lot for you.
Red is for definite, blue for iffy and black, last resort.
"Petrol Attendant, Heron Garages, Apex Corner".
Thank you very much! "Last resort," I said.
You've got to keep your options open.
- You've marked it in red.
- Oh, have I? Oh! I tried to get hold of that PR rag of yours - what's it called? PR Beano or something? PR Week.
Look, don't worry, if I need it, I'll get it next week.
Next week? You've gotta move fast.
Kids coming out of college nowadays, they buy the magazine at eight, they've got the interview at nine, they've got the job by ten, they're having their first coronary by half past two! You can't sit down.
And And what? Well, I mean let's be honest, neither of us are getting any younger, are we? Pardon?! Well, you know what I mean? I mean, you look great, you know.
I mean I mean, with make-up you could look 20.
No no problem.
For the first time in my life I've got time on my hands.
Now I'm going to slop around here for the rest of the afternoon and that is that.
Right.
That holiday job you had at Sainsbury's - was it one or two weeks? - One.
- Yeah, I think I'll make it two.
- If he offers you a cigarette, decline politely.
- I don't smoke! But you might get nervous and start taking it up.
But don't go on about not smoking too much either.
The last thing he wants is some anti-smoking fanatic charging round his office opening all his windows.
Any other tips? Yes.
Make eye contact, like this.
But don't try and stare him out.
And answer the questions, don't ramble.
Now let's see if I've got it.
If he offers me a cigarette, I take one.
- No.
- No, no, I don't.
- But I really kick up a stink if he has one.
- What? And I sort of look at him bashfully from behind my briefcase while rambling incoherently and slapping his buttocks with my curriculum vitae.
- Do you want this job or not? - Look, I've known David for years.
We've always got on really well.
I'd be surprised if he didn't offer me the job on the spot.
- Don't say that! - Look, can I go now? I'm not sure - that eye make-up doesn't really go with your dress, you know.
I'll be about an hour.
You sure you don't mind waiting? Come here! Open your mouth.
Yeah, OK, off you go.
I mean, he promised.
I don't believe it.
Go on, say it.
- What? - "I told you so!" Look, it's not your fault the guy led you on.
Anyway, I don't like the look of this place.
I mean, look at it.
- It's Well, it's - Smart.
All right, it's smart, yeah, but it's a pain to get to.
Three stops on the Underground.
- Well, was it the sort of job you really wanted? - It was ideal.
But you've got to admit, the commissionaire was pretty ugly.
Got the shortlist for tonight's awards, guys.
And it is Beckenham Junction, Ponders End, Haywards Heath, Leighton Buzzard and Huntingdon.
Huntingdon? What Haywards Heath's doing there, Lord knows? Huntingdon? That's where the head of Marketing comes from.
Station manager polishes his Granada for him while it's in the car park.
Well, Leighton Buzzard should walk it no problem.
They've got a tropical fish tank in the waiting room.
Huntingdon? Huntingdon? Huntingdon? Hunter! - Alan Hunter! - What? - Oh, my God! What day is it? - Friday.
Oh, no! The treatment- he wanted it today! - 'Tango Universal Films.
' - Can I speak to Alan Huntingdon, please? - Who? - Alan Huntingdon.
Sorry, Alan Hunter.
- 'Alan's gone to New York.
' - Oh, no! - Er, when will he be back? - 'He'll be there for the rest of the month.
' Oh, God! Hell! This is Colin Watkins.
You know, the writer he met last week.
'Alan saw about 40 writers last week.
' Oh.
Well, anyway, it's about that treatment.
It's a bit late, I know.
Well, as a matter of fact, I haven't actually had the chance to I could probably have it done by tomorrow.
Is there any way I could send it on by courier or something? 'I don't know.
He's seeing the backers for the project on Monday.
' What, and then is that it? No more contributions? 'As far as I know, he's got all the material he needs.
' Oh, shit! Is there no way I can get in touch with him? 'Not really.
' - Come on, Col.
Cab will be here now.
- Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute.
'Hang on, I've got to fax a couple of contracts through to him shortly.
Give me your number, I'll tell him to phone you.
' Thanks, erm Well, the direct line is 828-7655.
'All right.
OK, stay put, I'll see what I can do.
' Thanks.
Come on, Col.
We're all waiting for you in the cab, mate.
Erm, I tell you what, I'll meet you guys at the hotel, OK? No, no, we're all going together.
The thing is, I've got a couple things to do actually, so, er No, that's all right.
We'll wait.
The point is, you see, Graham - I'm not coming.
- Eh? Well, it's been such a long day.
I'm completely bushed.
But you only got in at four.
Yeah, precisely, that's why I've so much work to do.
- I've got to thrash through this lot tonight.
- But you said you were tired.
- What? - You just said you were bushed.
Yes, physically, yes, but, you know but not, not you know, not - What? - Look, just go, will you? All right, all right! Oh, hell! Hello? Hello? Hello? Please, come and open the door, you bastard! You pay these people Dickensian wages to do a job! 15p an hour he gets and he can't shift his arse up here to open a bloody door! Hello! Yes, yes! I'm coming! I'm coming! Please, please, someone help me! Please! Right! Right, that's it! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't hang up! I'm coming.
I'm coming! Hello! Hello? 'Col, guess what? Haywards Heath won it.
'