Comic Book Men s02e01 Episode Script

When you were a kid, did you ever run around - Superhero? - What do you mean, Like pretend that I was a superhero, playact? - Yeah.
- I pretended I was Aquaman.
I'd go down to the beach And put on my green speedos.
You had green speedos? They were more like booty shorts? Did you ever try to talk to fish? - I did.
- Pretending to be Aquaman, That's the only people who will talk to you.
Yeah! What, I'm mocking a seven-year-old Mike Zapcic.
What do you want from me? Hello, and welcome back To another episode of Comic Book Men, The show that's one guy away from being The whitest show on television.
I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Okay, what's going on this week? We had a guy come in, and not only did he have megos, But boxed megos.
Oh, man, megos are the chocolate chip cookies Of toys.
A mego is like a joint.
You can't not enjoy it - Hey, guys.
- How you doing? All right, how are you? These have been in my personal collection For about 20 years.
- Wow.
- We have a Spider-Man.
- Mr.
Mxyzptlk, Superman's enemy.
- Oh, my god.
- And that's the Human Torch.
- Awesome.
The flaming superhero.
What's with the outfit? That's what made it my favorite, man.
I imagine in his world, That's how men dressed.
Purple go-go boots, a miniskirt-- And he's not wearing underwear.
We think that mego was like, "You know what, we cannot have bare-legged Mxyzptlk - And sell him to the kids.
" - I would imagine.
Let's macho him up.
Get him in some tights.
It is the least-intimidating villain I think they could have possibly created.
A guy that looks like, say, a grandpa, Wearing a miniskirt, I mean-- What are you talking about? He's an imp from the eighth dimension.
The only way to vanquish Mr.
Mxyzptlk back To the eighth dimension is to make him say His name backwards.
So you gotta trick him into it.
He's almost bring dead, then.
Pretty much.
Anyway, we were lucky enough to have Popculturizm Robert Bruce hanging out.
This is actually a relatively common boxed figure.
Even then, it's still probably - $75 to $100.
- Okay.
The, uh, Fantastic Four, even with this tear here, This is really common on the card, And much harder to find in this box.
I would think this, in this condition, $150, $175.
This is really great.
This doll looks perfect.
You remember Spider-Man Was on the electric company, right? This is the electric company box.
That is awesome.
They only, uh, did this for probably Eight months, and then they went to cards.
This box is pretty hard to find.
- The condition's a little off - Right, right.
But this, uh, alone is probably In the $175 to $200 range.
I would like these three.
What are you looking for today? Well, I was looking for $450, walt.
That's my price.
Would you do $325? I don't know, the-- I think $350, I'd be a little more comfortable.
If you do $350, we're done, Then you'll be the proud owner Of these beautiful megos.
These tight boxes make my eyes bulge.
How about $340? $340, cash.
I don't want to split it over 10 bucks, But I'm gonna stick at $350, pal.
- All right.
- Right on.
All right.
I want 'em.
- You got a deal.
- All right, man.
Mike, I'm gonna read some of the titles off this list.
You tell me if they match up with what You have over there.
Action comics.
- Yep.
- Good.
- Flash.
- Hey.
How about this idea? We throw kids' birthday parties here at the Stash.
We can make a ton of money.
Oh, I don't like where this is going.
Come on.
We have the space, We have a great theme that kids Can watch out, that is superheroes.
Why not start throwing kids' birthday parties at the store? Yeah, why not have a bunch of screaming kids In a store full of Thousands and thousands and thousands Of collectibles? I don't know, man.
That--that seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
We'll have games, cake, presents, pizza, goody bags.
Just think of all the money.
We charge more than we pay for that.
Imagine the profit.
Profit? Now you're speaking my language.
He may have something.
Can you imagine when we were four years old, If our parents were like, "we're gonna have your birthday party - At a comic book store"? - Oh, my God.
We would be out of our mind.
All right.
I'm in.
What do we gotta do to make this happen? Wait, what happened to Flanagan? He got body-snatched.
He sold it to me with the talk Of mountains of cash, And we'd have to beat the people away With a stick, they'd want to book us for a year straight.
From this guy, you thought we'd get To velvet ropes and filthy lucre? Why not? Why not? Say you had your fourth birthday party At a comic book store.
How awesome would that have been? - Memorable.
- All right.
- Let's make it happen.
- All right.
Why can't you be more an idea man like Ming? That guy's going places.
He's always thinking.
You gotta give him that.
Look at Ming.
Look at Ming.
No running! No running! Aah, aah.
I'm here to see if you're interested in purchasing Oh, my gosh.
My Darth Vader helmet.
You guys ever have any regrets? Has there ever been a comic on the shelf, You didn't buy it, now it's worth a ton? I always take the frame of mind, you know, Always look forward, never look back.
But did sell my Walking Dead collection - Before the tv show.
- Oh, I remember that.
'cause I was, like--it was getting so hot and everything.
How could you get rid of that? It would eat away at me.
You sell things, but you can never look back.
Always look forward.
You should look back on that.
Hi, guys.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm here to see if you're interested in purchasing - Whoa.
- My Darth Vader helmet.
How about a trade? Wow.
This is impressive.
What is it from? It was on display at a toy store For the Star Wars Phantom Menace toys.
- Okay.
- And I've had it for about Ten years, hanging above my big screen tv.
How much did you pay for it? Ten years ago I paid $75, But I'm looking to sell it For quite a bit more than that now.
- You think it's wearable? - Not really.
But--looks like a giant bobblehead.
Walt, I am your father.
That's awesome.
You look like--what is it, Darth Helmet? - From, uh, Spaceballs? - Lone Starr! Let me ask you something.
Have you two ever gotten busy while he wears - The Darth helmet? - No! - That's not happening.
- No.
Would that increase or decrease the value? Oh, it'd raise it up a couple bucks.
Why are you getting rid of it? My newly engaged fiancee, Michelle, and I are gonna be moving in together, And it's probably something that won't work with our decor.
Why? It's so unassuming.
It could go anywhere.
You're not impressed by it, huh? It's gotta go? - She's not making me do this.
- Okay.
I'm doing this for myself, to grow up a little bit.
I used to have, like, And every Star Wars action figure, - But I've sold them all off.
- Any regrets, - Selling them off? - Nope.
Worth it.
Booyah.
Tell him, right now, And tell his future wife-to-be What a chump he is for selling this, And making his future wife happy.
Oh! No, no, no, no.
- Like-- - But I was! It's tough to let go of something That you've formed a bond with, But he had a bride-to-be.
That's the greatest gift.
Better than a wookie.
Better than, uh, the third moon of Yavin.
Better than a gigantic Darth Vader helmet? I didn't say that.
I said wookie, and the moon.
You got yourself quite a catch right there, you know? - I know I do, yes.
- Aww.
I would do anything for her.
My heart's still icy.
- It doesn't matter.
- All right, so What are you looking for? Between $250 and $300 for it.
What do you guys think? You like it, Mike? I think it would look awesome Hanging from our ceiling, wouldn't it? - Absolutely.
- I think so too.
As a newlywed gift To you, I'd love to buy this from you.
- Cool.
- Could you do $200? - Could we do $200? - Sure.
- Okay.
- It's a deal.
She says yes, And I'm fine with whatever she says.
I like that.
Would you take $150? No.
All right, $200.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
A pleasure doing business with you.
- Nice to meet you all.
- Bye-bye.
Try it on, Ming.
For Christ's sake.
Check this out, check this out.
Nooo! What's he doing? Revenge of the Sith, man.
oh, that's awesome! It is awesome.
All right, he signs off, you're on your way.
What does a kids' birthday party require? Uh, a cake, pinata, and, uh, Pizza--we gotta pay for kids' pizza.
- Balloons.
- Balloons, decorations.
- Party favors.
- I'm no accountant, But boys sounds expensive.
Let's get to work.
Where we going with this? Perfect.
Let's go back and forth here.
Sort of looks like Spider-Man's webbing.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
What kid would not love this cake? Nerd heaven right here.
I haven't felt this stimulated, mentally, - In quite some time.
- That's what happens when You have 30-plus years of being a fan-person.
Ming, that kid is destroying Comic books over there.
All right, guys.
He has arrived! Four-color, the Comic Book Clown! Yay! You remember where you had, Say, your fourth, fifth birthday party? No.
You know I'm a Halloween baby, born in October, A Halloween-themed birthday party for me.
I don't know if you were there that one year I wasn't invited.
But, um, she had set up, uh, bobbing for apples.
So, as the birthday boy, I got to go first.
I had never done it before, And when I put my head underneath the water, And was trying to get a apple in my mouth.
I realized, um, I didn't have a gag reflex.
So I was like a horse, man.
I was just going in, Grabbing 'em and putting them on the table.
It was really impressive.
I was really good at bobbing for apples.
What about you, Ming? Birthday parties in childhood? Nah, I never got the cool birthday party.
I remember one year, literally, all my friends came over, And my mom plopped down a bowl Full of hot dogs right in the middle of the table, And that was it.
Were they cooked at least? They--they were cooked, but no buns, nothing.
Just, "here.
Serve yourself.
" Yeah, it was like, "here you go, kids.
" If I was there, I would've impressed everybody.
Excuse me, um, What's the least you would go for this? Um, Mike brought that piece.
Let me see what he could do on it.
- He knows-- - Okay.
- Hey, Mike! - Yes, sir.
- The Legion Clubhouse.
- Hi.
Yes.
What's the best we could do on that? - This piece? - Mm-hmm.
It was a website exclusive.
Sold out in first 25 minutes.
Okay, that explains why I hadn't seen it, 'cause it wasn't in something I would have seen.
Who's your favorite legionnaire? Of this group? Timber Wolf.
But we need light lass to make it complete.
I think it's missing Dawnstar, but that's just me.
Ooh, yeah, I love Dawnstar too.
Is Wildfire in there? - Yes.
- Yeah, Wildfire's right there.
As soon as he said It totally makes sense to have all the couples together.
I was thinking maybe Shrinking Violet Was already in there with him.
- With colossal boy? - Yeah.
Well, they were never a couple, really.
Well, they sort of were in one.
This is nerd heaven right here.
It is.
It is such a nerd vortex.
I never thought a customer could bore me Like you guys could.
Well, you know, that's what happens When you have 30-plus years of being a fan-person.
What do you think of this costume for a dude? Toughest costume to wear in--in all of comicdom? Yeah, but he's really cool, so I'm not talking about his powers.
I'm just talking about him walking out of the room The first day he puts this costume on, And the rest of the legion goes, "What the hell are you doing?" The legion of super-heroes never did it for me, And I think it comes down to, Whenever I saw bouncing boy, I was like, "that's it? That's the only representation of fat people in comics?" But he was awesome.
He got the chick.
He married triplicate girl.
I thought it was Duo Damsel.
Well, one of her-- her pieces died off, so-- Just listening to that snippet of conversation, I don't know how either of you got married.
Who is the legionnaire artist for you? - Mike Grell, officially.
- Mike Grell.
What about Giffen? Where do you place him on the - Well, I would--I don't know.
- Uh, hierarchy of, uh-- Hierarchy? I would put him over Grell, officially.
You know, Giffen kind of went off on his own tangent, - Which was great fun.
- Do you--you don't live Around here? You don't need a job? how attached are you to Ming? That's what I was thinking of.
He's gone.
I haven't felt this stimulated, mentally, - In quite some time.
- That's a good thing.
Awesome.
Thank you for coming in.
Mike's an idiot.
Oh! All right, so let's talk dollars.
What's the best we can do on that? We're asking $299.
95.
Mm-hmm.
$275? - Okay.
- So $27--okay.
I was hop--yeah.
I guess, I-I will go for it, yes.
A christmas present for myself.
- $275, then? - Yep.
I can't wait until you get home tonight and talk To your wife, and you're like, "and then she said this, And then she knew about that.
" She's gonna be like, "you're outta here!" - Thank you very much, enjoy it.
- Well, thank you.
We didn't recover for a good 10, 15 minutes.
We were spent by the time she left the store.
- A woman exhausted you.
- Yeah, him and Mike Were smoking cigarettes.
All right, it's do or die.
This is the first day in a new era Jay and Silent Bob's Stash Bashes.
- Battle stations.
- All right.
It's time to turn that key and let the party kids in.
Ten foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid kids Who just want party action.
A torrent of toddlers, if you will.
Open the door, and I unleash hell.
Welcome to Jay and Silent Bob's.
Come on in! Go! Go! Happy birthday, Caiden.
Hey! What do we do now? You gotta do--do something.
Aah, aah.
Come on! Pin the tail on the donkey! - All right.
- Hooray! - Okay, everybody over here.
- Pin the tail on the donkey! Pin the tail on the donkey! What's this? It's pin the tail on Mr.
Ming.
Yay! You want your face painted? Come on, sit down.
All right, ready? One, two All right, buddy.
You're Spider-Man.
All right, come on, sit down.
- Oh, my God.
- Where did it go? Wolverine, right? Ooh, convincing.
You look too much like Wolverine.
What happened? There's, like, 15 kids here.
I'm trying to get 'em in and out.
Just--can't you do a little better job? Okay, Picasso, you sit down and paint them then.
You're whoring out your art, man.
The artist inside of you is dying A little bit as you slap this paint on these kids, "I just have to get it done.
" Exactly how I felt.
I mean, I'll admit there were some shaky moments.
I thought maybe the games would eat up at least an hour.
And, you know, that didn't quite go as planned.
Ming, that kid is destroying - Comic books over there.
- Oh, oh.
No running! No running! I want your cake! I want your-- - Ming! - What? It's starting to turn into chaos.
- They're almost rioting.
- I want cake! Well, you're gonna get some cake, I promise.
I'm not gonna lie.
The ship was going down.
I was ready to fire off a flare, and lo and behold, Just as I thought it was gonna turn into A disaster A clown saved the day.
No! The moment you've all been waiting for is here! Four-color, the comic book clown! Yay! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, slow down.
No running! No running! - Ahh! I don't think you can even imagine The chaos that was going on in the Stash that day.
It was like being in a jungle, And a billion army ants just rolling in on you.
And you're just looking sur-- for survival, any way you can.
'cause these kids were out of their minds.
All right, guys.
He has arrived! Four-color, the Comic Book Clown! Yay! Four-color, this is the birthday boy.
Hey, all right! Give him something for his birthday, Four-color.
What's that? I want a sword! - You want a sword.
- You got it! No! This don't look like a sword.
Sorry, junior.
- Who's next? Who's next? - Me! Me! Here you go, a hot dog, just like you asked for.
Go on, now.
A unicorn.
Jesus.
Here you go, this is for you.
It's an earthworm.
Yay! I'm not what you would call Classically trained in balloon animals.
I figure imagination.
Everything about this clown is terrifying to me, - And I'm an adult.
- No, no, they loved him.
- Really? - Kids loved you, dude.
I could finally go home to my parents, And be like, "your son is a success.
" Happy birthday to Caiden na nah na nah na - Happy birthday to Caiden - Today's your special day Once a year That sounds exactly like the song we can't sing.
No, you're tone deaf.
We're all right.
- Here's your birthday cake.
- Give him a hand! First piece is for four-color.
He's famished.
Caiden, you want to open this up? - Yeah! - That's for you, birthday kid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The hosting event had to give a gift? Sure, it's his birthday.
You know, just, you know, - A little trinket from the store.
- You don't even know this kid.
We have no personal relationship.
We're supposed to make money.
They--we get the gift of their money.
Oh! Nice.
- Yay! - Yeah, he loves it! Happy birthday, buddy.
You wouldn't think it to look at us, - That we could pull it off - Yeah.
But you give us a task, We can get it done.
We may not make you money at it.
Come on.
Are you the only guy that threw a kid's birthday party - And lost money? - We didn't lose money.
We made pretty much what you would take in an entire weekend Selling books, about $350.
What? Are you insane? You think the store can exist, Subsist, on $350 over a weekend? Okay, it still, it's a large chunk.
- And--we're--in--in-- - What? Where--in what world is $350 a large chunk? It was a nibble.
- That wasn't so bad, was it? - "Wasn't so bad"? When you factor in everything that was destroyed, Do you think at--at best, We didn't just break even on this? Did you see how happy that kid was when he left? I gotta side with you, man.
If the currency is smiles, You guys made a million bucks today.
Right? The kids were happy.
No.
Never again.
- Where are your ideas? - How did it work? Why are you guys always status quo, status quo? Status quo makes money.
Your ideas don't.
Status quo has kept our shop alive for 15 years.
But there's always something better, though.
There's always something better.
Well, then go find it, then.
I have been.
You know, get your and get out.
Oh.
Well, that's gonna wrap it up For another episode of Comic Book Men.
I'd like to thank my co-hosts For illuminating me on what goes on In my store when I'm not around.
Until next week, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Don't forget to spay or neuter Your super pets and wookies, kids.
Good night!