Cooper's Bar (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

1
(sniffing glass and exhaling)
(lively upbeat music continues)
- This LA is like
a wild life series.
I got skunks, coyotes, cats
banging under my house.
- At least somebody's
getting laid.
- I wish I lived in
a civilized city.
- Yeah, but how many pilots
are they casting out
of Buffalo, Coop?
You gotta be here.
- I've done busted my ass.
Yesterday, I had my first
audition in four months.
I drove two hours across
town to say three lines.
By the time I got
back to my car,
I was told they're going
in a different direction.
You know what
direction I'm going?
Back to the Buffalo
to open a bar.
(upbeat music)
- Open it here.
- Why?
So you can drink
all the profits?
- Yeah, but when
I sell my pitch.
- Yeah, sell my pitch,
Brandon, no one wants to see
a Christian zombie movie.
- Army of the Unwanted is more
like a spiritual thriller.
(upbeat music)
It has a message.
- Well, if that's the
only offer on the table,
I'd rather grow a man
bun and work at a co-op.
Hey dude, you find
everything all right?
That's actually very healthy.
- Cooper, Jesus Christ,
David is gonna be
here in four minutes.
You can't even
take out the trash?
- Clean up for David, why?
- You told me he was
bringing what's his name
from the studio,
a Kris, Kris Latimer.
(upbeat music)
- When has David ever
come through on anything?
- He came through on a
8th of kush last night,
(bleep) super strong.
Maybe that's why I don't
feel so good today.
- What if does show up, Coop?
You're never gonna work again
if he thinks you are
a degenerate slob.
- David wants me to pitch
this place to Kris Latimer,
as a TV show, "Cooper's Bar".
- Nobody's gonna buy that.
- With me in it.
- Doing what?
- Acting.
I'm an actor.
- Oh, yeah.
- Anyway,
this Kris Latimer is one of
the biggest dicks in Hollywood.
He'd never come here.
- You ever met him?
- Hell no.
He's some dweeb from Seattle.
Tech guy.
Thinks he can run a studio.
No thanks.
David met him at
Armenian bootcamp.
- Are they all Armenian?
- No.
What?
That's a little racist.
- Kris Latimer's not coming.
- No, he is not.
(car hits trashcan)
- What?
I don't know why
it's called a dandy,
I just know it's a
vegan marshmallow, okay.
- Hey!
- By EOD,
because Cybil's coming over
to play with my
daughter this weekend.
And Cybil's father is the
most important director
in Hollywood,
and Cynbil's father told
Cybil that she's a vegan.
(knocking)
Can you stop crying
and just do your job.
I got another call coming
through, I gotta take it.
Hi.
No, but I am going
into a meeting
with Amy Schumer right now.
- Get off the
(bleep) damn phone.
- Hey on, I think I
just found a valet.
I could not find you
anywhere, I had to self-park.
- No, no, no, no, no, no,
you moved my garbage can
and now my trash
won't be picked up.
- Okay, back off bitch.
No, the Amy thing
all happened last.
(crash)
(bleep)
Go ahead, I'm listening.
Yeah, her agents told me.
Right, I know, yeah.
But no, well,
well Amy Shumer's agent said,
hang on, I will read it to you.
She wants to play a total
loser who think they're cool.
Yeah, I know we don't have that.
I cannot find this place.
Jesus, I cannot believe
I just climbed over
a recliner in the street.
I think I got HPV.
Sorry, is this "Cooper's Bar"?
- Hell yeah, this
is "Cooper's Bar".
Why don't you let me pour
you a goblet o' cabernet?
- Oh, hell yeah.
This place is amazing.
- Thank you.
My grandfather,
father, and myself,
all bartenders in Buffalo,
so I built this place.
- Hm, you have so much stuff.
- I'm here every night.
- That's one thing I'd like
to get rid of. (chuckles)
- Oh, one of your neighbors
is a real crazy bitch.
- Well, that's LA.
You get a designated
(bleep) person,
pretty straight, it's
not gender specific.
- Cheers to that.
(humming)
So, where's you know who?
- Kris Latimer?
- Yeah?
- He ain't coming.
- What?
- I'm sorry, you are?
- Come on, (bleep) off,
where's Amy Schumer?
- That woman called me a bitch.
- Oh, that is the crazy
(bleep) I told you about.
- Kris Latimer
and Cooper Marino,
I knew you'd hit it off.
- David.
- Kris Latimer.
- Yes!
- Oh, sorry.
We didn't realize.
- That you'd have titties.
- Wait, who is Cooper Marino?
- It's Latimer.
(nervously laughs)
Hey.
Hey.
- I thought you
said Kris Latimer
was the biggest
dick in Hollywood.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I have the biggest
dick in Hollywood.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, I'm sorry,
we just didn't believe David
could get a real
exec like yourself
to show up at my bar
to pitch our show.
- David, you told me we
were meeting Amy Schumer.
- We are.
- Oh yeah, she's here
practically every night,
isn't that right,
Marry Poppin's?
- Well, yeah, I mean (laughs)
- David, come on.
I saw her once getting
coffee in our neighborhood.
- All right, I'm outta here.
- Kris, please,
just five minutes.
Cooper's great.
This bar is amazing.
- I can't feel my eyelids.
- Just sit down and Coop is
gonna give you the whole pitch.
- Me?
What?
- I got this.
- No.
- I got it.
- Brandon.
Please.
- It's called, "Army
of the Unwanted".
It's a Christian
zombie vampire movie.
- Oh God.
- About all the aborted souls
of the babies who
have returned to Earth
seeking their revenge.
- All right.
David, (bleep) you.
- Wait, hold on a sec, ooh.
I don't feel so good.
- Oh (bleep).
- David, call 911.
Cooper, do chest compressions.
Kris, count the compressions.
It's justice like a garbage can.
- Oh God, just move.
(slaps)
- Oh wait, he's regained
consciousness, hang on.
Brandon, are you okay?
(Brandon burps)
Actually, don't come, he's fine.
Guys, that was brilliant!
I think that's how I'm gonna end
the first episode
of "Cooper's Bar".
- I gotta do damage control.
Amy Schumer.
- Don't you see it?
It's this place, these people,
on the show,
on the telly?
- A show about a
bunch of total losers
who think they're cool.
Really?
- What?
Wait, what pitch is that?
- It's our pitch.
It's "Cooper's Bar".
- Yeah, yeah that might work.
I mean, sure as (bleep) better
than his Mike Pence Baby
Zombie's crap, right?
- I was high.
- Lots of people are high
and no one else is pitching
steaming piles of (bleep), okay?
You three, call my office.
Set something up.
I gotta fly.
(laughing)
- It's like the
Bill Doilers game,
all over again.
It's the greatest come
back since the come back.
(laughing)
- Oh (bleep).
(car unlocking)
- Sit, sit, sit, sit.
Just make yourselves at home.
Kris Latimer sends
her pale imitation
of what she mistakes
for as love.
(upbeat music)
- So guy, we read
over the pitch,
and what you created,
can you pass these out?
It's sharp,
it's funny,
it's interesting.
But guys, you gotta make
a play at the 2020's.
- Right.
- What I love about it
is that it really
reminds me of myself
and how it felt when I got
shipped away to boarding school,
which funny story.
After my third Ayahuasca trip,
I dabbled in this
psilocybin therapy,
but turns out I'm allergic.
Sucks.
And I went to this amazing
self-actualization center
in Solemico,
which low and behold,
became the real-life inspo
for the self-actualization
center on Cooper's farm.
- Cooper's got a
self-actualization farm in LA?
- Oh, no, we're not,
we're not shooting this in LA.
- Oh, hallelujah.
People have farms in Buffalo.
- Alabama's where the best
tax credit is right now.
- Great cruise in Alabama.
- Like you'd know.
- So, in your mind,
I'm this barkeep who's a farmer,
who's like a spin instructor.
- Excited about
writing this down.
- I gotta be honest with ya,
I don't think I can play this.
- Has Kris Latimer not mentioned
any of this to you guys at all?
Cooper, you don't have to
worry about playing Cooper,
because Amy Schumer is.
- Amy Schumer?
- Yeah, she wants to do it.
- That's amazing.
- She's always how I saw Cooper.
- Amy, she loves the theme.
Chaos is the mother
of invention.
She loves the band of losers
that hash everything up
and that Cooper's always
there to save the day.
So, Cooper,
business affairs drew up
this little life rights deal
for their played stuff,
but if all goes well,
you might have a nice
little lump sum there,
maybe clean up some credit
card debt and whatnot.
- I'll tell ya, Anita.
- Antonia.
- We can set it in
the south, terrific,
and I get it that
you don't want me,
Amy Schumer's a
much bigger star.
- God, I'm so looking
forward to working with her.
- Oh, the star brings
in their own team.
- But "Cooper's
Bar" is not a place
where rich people go to
escape their made up problems.
It's a real watering hole
where normal people
get a tiny break
from the billion
daily indignities
of working in this (bleep) town.
Or any job that (bleeps) on you.
I mean,
look at this,
this is (bleep)
and these, these, these vegan
cauliflower (bleep) wings,
doesn't even know what
it's trying to be.
Does it want to be
better cauliflower
or worse chicken?
Whatever it is,
it should be against the law.
- Antonia,
look, he's an
actor from Buffalo,
he doesn't really
understand the game.
Let me go and talk to him,
director to star.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Let's talk story arches.
- Story arcs?
- You say tomato.
- Coops.
- I can't believe I thought
for even one stupid minute
this might be my shot.
I'm a fool.
- Yeah, the writing sample
will have to be in writing.
- Cooper, Cooper,
I've watched you change your
clothes three times a day
and everyone's parked for
three different auditions.
- Exactly Dave.
- This could still be
an opportunity, right?
You could be Amy's
dad or something.
- No, it's time I wake up,
and do what I was
really meant to do.
Open a bar in Buffalo.
Excuse me.
Because Buffalo is a real place
where no self-respecting
human being
would eat a limp piece of
vegetable (bleep) like this,
and pretend it's a
Buffalo chicken wing.
It's a place where
no one runs around
with ear buds connected
to their anus.
It's a place where
there's four seasons
and people are happy it's not
75 and sunny every single day.
It's a place where if you want
real Buffalo chicken wings,
you go to Eddie Brady's
Tavern on Genesis Street
and you order five dozen of 'em,
along with five dozen beers,
because it's a real place
with real people
who actually age
and say what they
think to your face.
It's a place where
you give the mailmen
a gift at Christmastime.
And unlike this city of
paranoid psychopaths,
you say hello to your neighbors.
And your big dream is to
just keep having good days,
like when it's mid January
and you don't have to
shovel 10 feet of snow
out of your driveway,
so you go to O'Daniel's Gin Mill
and you say hello to
your pals, who you love.
And you throw 20
bucks into the kitty,
you don't care if
it's for drinks
or for someone's bail bond,
you just do it because
you're a Buffalonian.
The city of good neighbors
and you're talking proud.
And for a couple of hours,
you tip a glass,
tell a story,
and then you laugh
and you're warm
and life is good.
God, I miss Buffalo.
(clapping)
- Forget Amy Schumer,
Cooper Marino should be
played by Cooper Marino.
And we're not shooting
this in Alabama, no.
- Now you're talking.
- No, we're doing
this Buffalo style,
which probably means Vancouver,
but pure down and dirty.
"Cooper's Bar",
starring Cooper Marino.
- Directed by David Butler.
- And written by
Brandon Washington.
- Cooper, get me a copy
of your latest head shot.
I'm going around Kris Latimer
and I'm going straight to the
head of the studio with this.
This,
is gonna finally get
me my own parking spot.
Yes.
- I'll send you my reel,
it's mainly shorts,
I did a corporate for Sears.
- You heard the lady, the
star brings their own team,
and guess who's the star?
(laughing)
Oh please, no more
vegan cauliflower wings.
- I'm not Postmates, bruh.
(upbeat music)
I live at Flex House,
the collab house next door.
This place a bar?
- No.
- Indeed it is.
Welcome to "Cooper's Bar".
- Did you say there's a
new collab house next door?
- Yeah, Flex house,
you heard of us?
- Flex House, (bleep).
- You try one of these?
- Ooh, it appears that I
make a very nice cocktail.
- And a bussin' wing.
These are fire.
- Fire is good, right?
- This place is called
"Cooper's Bar", yeah?
- Yeah, but don't tell anybody.
This place hasn't exactly
passed its health inspection.
- This kid's (bleep) nuts.
(phone notifications)
- Now this is (bleep).
- So this is the Glendale
version of Annie Legowitz.
- Oh, this is more than
just a photographer.
- It's a bloody photo booth.
- It comes with amazing props.
- You don't think
they fire mall cops
for stealing the photo booth?
- I am not just a mall cop,
I'm the executive in
charge of social media
for "Cooper's Bar".
(laughing)
You laugh,
but you know the kid
with the crazy nails
that came into the bar?
That's Billy Canasta.
He's a huge influencer
and that new collab house
next door, Flex House,
has 20 million followers.
Oh, and he's on
"Who's Got Krabz?"
That post he made of
Cooper's buffalo wings
has been shared 100,000 times.
Cooper's is blowing up.
- Come on, I feel like
I'm at a peep show.
- Maybe give him some direction.
Yeah.
Think Magnum PI.
Big mustache.
Little shorts.
- You couldn't direct
thick into a bag.
Cooper, mate, just give us
something for the studio please.
- Glamour, Coop.
Yeah, put that on.
Scary, Cooper.
Friday the 13th.
There you go.
You're taking it to
a whole nother level.
- I look like an undertaker.
- You look like a barman.
- Which is how Cooper
Marino needs to look
if Cooper Marino's gonna
play Cooper Marino.
- Cooper Marino will
never play Cooper Marino
you [Bleep] wads.
I sent my semi-illiterate
dildo of development
over here with just one job,
and just get Cooper to
sign over his life rights.
(whistles)
But she says Cooper
Marino won't sign the deal
unless we guarantee
that he plays the lead.
- That's a gross
mischaracterization
of what happened.
- You would think
that you don't tell
the right's holders your plans
until after you get
their signature,
but here we are.
If you want this show to happen,
you need to sign this deal.
- I didn't say I wouldn't sign,
I just have a
couple of comments.
- Well, we've upped
the offer to $10,000,
so I assume that
addresses your comments.
- Not about the money, Kris.
- Okay.
You can have
meaningless consultation
on all creative matters.
But the studio gets final say.
- Our people will
never go for that.
- Your people?
We threw your people
out in the revolution,
you tea sipping red coat.
So how about you shut your hole,
or I'm calling ICE.
- Hey, that's racist.
David is not an illegal alien.
- I'm just waiting for the
divorce to come through,
then I can marry an American.
- Oh, they must be lining
up around the block
for a 50-year-old Uber driver.
No, not so much?
Great.
$12,000 and that should
help with his divorce costs.
- It's not about me,
I just want to get
the role of a lifetime
for my most talented friend.
- This is not Ru Paul's
Drag Race for the AARP.
We're not casting a
60-year-old never been.
- He's been in 50 movies.
- I don't give a rat's ass
about his background career.
- First off, it
wasn't background.
Second, for some reason,
the biggest dick in Hollywood
pays a visit to this never been
to sign over my life rights.
- $15,000.
- Wouldn't sign (bleep), Coop.
Speak to Antonia first.
- Are you talking?
Let me educate you on the
entertainment industry.
Head of development
is a (bleep) position
given to someone's
useless niece or nephew,
like a priest in 19th
century England, David.
- Oh, right.
- Your boss must
really like this idea.
- $20,000.
Final offer.
- Ms. Latimer,
Brandon Washington, head writer,
goblet o' cabernet?
You remember me?
- No.
Cooper.
You will be allowed on set
for one supervised visit.
And I'm upping the
offer to $25,000.
Okay, fine, okay, fine.
You know what, you're right,
you are right,
the head of the studio likes it.
- Cyrus Long has read it?
- He says it is the best idea
he's heard from me, in years.
And we've negotiated Amy
Schumer's contract for weeks.
- It's my life.
- Cooper, come on.
Please.
If I don't give him a hit,
I'm gonna lose my job
and my reputation,
and my entire sense
of superiority.
Cooper, Cooper listen,
you name your price,
and I am gonna fight for you.
- I don't have a price, Kris.
- Yes, he does!
- You know what I want.
- You are not playing
Cooper, Cooper!
- Okay fine.
Brandon is the show runner
and David Directs the pilot.
- That is possibly even worse
than you playing Cooper.
- Take it or leave it.
- You know what,
you've been outta
this business so long,
you don't know when
to pick up your toys
and just run home.
I'm gonna bury you.
(upbeat music)
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel
like I can't ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is something more that I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is something more that I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪