Crossing Swords (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

1
‐ Happy face to Patrick
for saving the Royal Family
from assassination.
‐ Uh, thank you?
‐ Frowny face to Donna
for missing the moat.
Happy face to King Merriman!
I'm still king!
That's better.
‐ Merriman, the castle is ruined,
and we are broke!
‐ But, Tulip, we're alive!
‐ I'd rather be dead than poor.
‐ Well, me too,
but that's one of those things you're
not supposed to say out loud
because it makes you
sound like a real asshole.
‐ Maybe it's not the time to bring up
how well King Randy is doing,
but look how well King Randy is doing!
‐ This isn't a dick‐measuring
contest, Randy!
‐ Good thing. Rumor has it,
he's hung like a lesbian at a witch trial,
who's also a horse.
‐ Wow. Yeah, that's pretty hung.
Happy face for Randy.
‐ Patrick, you're a hero!
You better brush those
shoulders off, girl.
‐ Really? You think
I'm about to be knighted?
‐ Maybe! Maybe not. But there's
definitely a baby scorpion on you.
‐ Ah! Get it off! Get it off!
‐ The knights are returning!
‐ Whoa. These guys fuck for sure.
‐ Oh! If I weren't straight
Or if they even even asked
Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
Marry me, Patrick, I love you!
‐ I wanna have your baby!
‐ Patrick, sign my tits!
‐ Oh wow
I've had sex.
.‐ We set off as soon as we heard
the kingdom was in danger,
but it appears we arrived too late.
‐ The castle's pretty
jacked up but luckily,
this squire saved us all
from certain death.
He is truly the greatest
squire who ever lived.
‐ Great! So, the assassin's dead?
‐ No, she got away.
‐ But the kingdom's secrets are safe.
‐ No, she‐she got 'em all.
‐ Stole them, eh?
‐ No, they were freely given.
‐ By which traitor?!
‐ Actually, by Patrick,
the greatest squire who ever lived
‐ All rise for the case of the Kingdom
versus Patrick, the traitor squire!
‐ I told them I was prejudiced against
squires to try to get out of this,
and I'm still here.
Now, I just hate squires for real!
‐ Oh
‐ Patrick,
you're accused of conspiracy
to commit treason.
Now, they say that you
shared the king's secrets
with an assassin you went to bed with!
But, that doesn't add up. Isn't it true
you didn't even close the deal with her?
‐ Yes, but I wish you hadn't
said that on the record,
in front of everyone,
including my parents.
‐ The boy never finishes anything.
‐ So wait, if he gets executed,
can I have his stuff?
Ha, ha. Then he did it.
‐ Not a fan.
‐ Oh, come on!
He didn't do it, I'm telling ya!
King Merriman's a stand‐up guy!
‐ We're discussing your brother Patrick.
He's the one on trial.
‐ What, Patrick?
Nah, I barely know that guy.
‐ He is my best friend.
He'd never give away secrets,
or fail to close the deal.
He's a model squire,
and I would do anything for him.
Including lie on the witness stand!
‐ And now, my kingdom's half destroyed.
We need to find
a scapegoat to pin this on.
That'll fix everything
and we can all go home early.
Well, almost all of us.
‐ Hear that?
I'm going home early.
‐ Oh.
‐ You expect us to believe a young man
spent the night in bed
with a beautiful woman,
and didn't even try to go all the way?
‐ We mostly just stared into
each other's eyes and talked.
In a way, it was more intimate.
‐ Oh god, where's my gavel?
‐ The jury will now be sequestered.
‐ And we got a verdict.
‐ This looks bad.
‐ Let it play out.
Still six more jurors.
Damn it! At least the winky face
softened the blow. So sassy.
‐ Okay, here's what I got.
You're found guilty of treason,
destruction of property, and not being
able to close the deal, pussy.
You are hereby ordered to spin
the Wheel of Retribution.
‐ That song is my favorite part.
Please, keep going.
‐ Not for me.
‐ And what makes it extra amusing
is that one of the punishments
is the, quote, "silly one."
‐ Uh, which one is the silly one?
‐ Win us a boat, Patrick!
‐ Don't be ridiculous, Glenn.
Take the cash, Patrick!
‐ Phew! Looks like I'm butt chugging
a gallon of milk.
‐ You're blind, dude. If anything,
it's closer to "face eaten by rats."
‐ Shut the fuck up, Broth.
‐ You know what? I'm gonna give you both.
‐ But that's not fair.
‐ Oh god. Please read back
the transcript for the court.
‐ "It's incredibly just, amazingly fair,
and also so much fun.
The Wheel of Retribution
is a joy to everyone."
‐ Okay, sustained. Fetch the face rats!
‐ It's not so bad.
‐ Woop! Woop! Hold everything!
Stage four rainbow alert! Woop! Woop!
‐ Okay
‐ Your Majesty, sometimes I think
God must exist if something as wondrous‐‐
‐ Ah, who gives a fuck?
We need the leprechaun gold
at the end of that rainbow,
or else our broke‐ass kingdom
is gonna get conquered!
Maybe by big‐dick Randy!
‐ Every time we go on
a wild rainbow chase,
there's never any gold.
It is nothing but a silly little myth.
‐ That's preposterous.
We just need to up the ante.
This time, the one who finds the gold
can keep the leprechaun to do
whatever you want with it!
Make it clean your place, sell it,
cut it up, fuck it, whatever!
Be careful out there.
Don't fall for their games.
They're wily little bastards.
‐ Y‐Your Majesty,
if I find the gold, may I have
my sentence commuted?
‐ Patrick, if you find the gold,
I'll butt chug the milk myself.
‐ Your Honor, is that allowed?
‐ Ah, forget it, Andy.
It's rich people law.
‐ Guys, if there's gold at
the end of the rainbow,
maybe let me find it, so I won't
have my face eaten off.
‐ Patrick, sorry about your face,
but this is personal for me.
As a child, my dad said he was going
out to find the end of a rainbow,
and never came back.
Sorry, buddy!
I'm blinded by my lust for
a free leprechaun!
‐ Frankly, Patrick, those rats
would be doing you a favor.
‐ I also have an opinion
about your request!
‐ Ah, screw them.
No one's ever found the end
of the rainbow anyway.
If I'm gonna find leprechaun gold,
I need to be smart about this.
Ah! Of course!
I bet the knights know where to find
leprechauns. They've been everywhere.
‐ What is it, kid?
Do you need an autograph?
‐ Well, I'm ‐‐ ha, ha ‐‐ not gonna say no.
‐ There. That's permanent.
‐ Great. Um, one other thing.
Could you point, on this map,
where all the leprechauns live?
‐ Well, sure I can.
Ah!
Beeoo!
‐ Aw, my map!
‐ Oh look, I invited airplanes. No big.
Now, let's find a home
for all these boners!
‐ Boners!
‐ Hello? I think my map flew in here?
Oh my god, stop!
‐ Damn it, that was my only bolt!
Go chase it down for me, would you?
‐ I'm not helping you shoot
an arrow into your mouth!
Listen, it's always darkest
before the dawn.
‐ Kid, save it. I took poison an hour ago.
The crossbow was just
to move things along.
‐ What? We need to get you to a hospital!
‐ Nah, there's no rush.
It's a slow‐acting poison.
‐ Well, why didn't you
take fast‐acting poison?
‐ Ah, I wanted to tragically weep over
that picture of my wife for a while first.
Look, I'm a real wild card.
The name's Sir Kutter.
‐ Oh, my name's Patrick.
It sounds like we're both having bad days.
I've gotta find a pot of leprechaun gold
or rats are gonna eat my face off.
‐ Whoa!
What did you do to earn that?
‐ Eh, I gave away
state secrets to a sexy spy
who was the love of my life.
And now, I'll never be a knight.
Oh, this is the worst day ever.
‐ You know what'll take the edge off?
A little poison.
‐ Wow, thanks for helping me.
‐ Patrick, we were born to be partners!
You're a joyless square whose
idea of a good time is crudités
and a jigsaw puzzle
with a lot of beige in it.
Meanwhile, I'm the hell‐on‐wheels rebel
rippin' farts and breakin' hearts
who double‐majored in advanced badassery
and howling at the moon!
‐ So, to be clear,
I'm definitely the lame partner.
‐ Oh yeah,
but partners complete each other!
You'll see. By the end of the story,
we'll each have learned
something from the other.
‐ Wow.
‐ And then, I'll die from poison,
and, god, how you'll cry!
‐ Great.
Uh, hey, this isn't the way
to the rainbow.
‐ Ah, spoken like a true lame‐ass.
Let those other fools chase the rainbow.
Wild cards take shortcuts.
‐ This shortcut really takes us
through the janky part of town.
‐ The jankier the better!
Ol' One Horn around?
Tell him Ol' Two Eyes is looking for him.
‐ One Horn ain't seeing visitors.
‐ Well, that's a shame
because I ain't not seeing him.
‐ Well, that's a shame
because you ain't not not seeing him.
‐ Well, that's a shame because
I ain't not not not seeing him.
‐ Well, you're not not not not
I'm gonna kill you!
‐ Oh my god!
‐ That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
‐ Technically, they're both knives.
Size has nothing to do with it.
‐ Ha!
‐ Oh! That escalated so fast!
‐ Relax. I missed all of his
vital face organs on purpose.
‐ It's true! It barely hurts!
‐ Wow! Such precision.
‐ Steamers and kielbasa, comin' up!
‐ Stick around.
Fun partners love puns,
lame partners hate them.
If I ever hear a pun out of your mouth,
I'll know I've reached you.
‐ We found the end of the rainbow!
This was not hard at all.
‐ Does anyone see my dad?
‐ Griffin found the rainbow first,
but I'm gonna find that gold.
‐ Ooh! I found a shiny rock!
‐ I found friendship!
It's better than gold!
‐ Shut up, Gorby!
‐ Hey, Griffin! I found your dad!
‐ Papa!
‐ No! I am Eric.
How dare you trespass
on leprechaun property.
If it's gold you want,
the stakes shall be your very lives.
It's time to play
Shamrock Showdown!
‐ Alright, Gorby. Your first challenge
is to answer this question
for a shot at a prize.
Leprechauns are notoriously fond
of this color.
‐ Green?
‐ Correct! You've won
a hand‐crafted flute!
Good job, Gorby!
‐ Now, would you like to keep your flute,
or tempt fate for a chance at the gold?
‐ Definitely the flute.
‐ Gorby, that question was so easy.
‐ Yeah! Tempt fate!
Tempt fate! Tempt fate!
Tempt fate!
‐ Okay.
I'm gonna tempt fate, Eric!
‐ Alright then!
Spell the world "shillelagh."
‐ Can you use it in a sentence?
‐ Of course I can!
Quote, "Spell the word 'shillelagh,'
said Eric."
‐ Okay. Shillelagh.
S‐H‐A‐I‐L‐E‐N‐E‐W‐O‐O‐D‐L‐E‐Y.
‐ Gorby!
‐ Who is it, Jerry?
‐ Jerry, you can tell him
it's a no‐fun squire
who really brings the room down
and a rascally rogue
who's more of an anti‐hero
you love to hate.
‐ Ah, no. Jerry, take five, please.
‐ I'm calling in my favor, One Horn.
You know the one I mean.
You wanna go in front of me?
You've only got, like, two things.
‐ I got, like, 100 if you count
every olive in this jar.
Thanks. You know, I‐I owe you one.
I knew that would come back
to bite me in the ass.
‐ Tell us where
the Leprechaun Gang is hiding out!
‐ No way! If they find out I squealed,
they'll give me the Four Leaf Clover.
That's when they carve a plus sign
into your face with a razor,
and then peel each quadrant back.
‐ Jesus! Maybe he doesn't
have to tell us where they are.
‐ The Four Leaf Clover's
a walk in the park
compared to getting your face
eaten off by rats, Patrick!
‐ Oh shit!
Yeah, give me a Four Leaf Clover
any day of the week.
‐ Great.
‐ I'm sorry, Kutter,
but I can only do you one favor today.
Killing you real quick.
Mule kick!
‐ Oh Huh?
‐ Ah, damn it!
‐ Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Stop!
The Leprechaun Gang's laying low
at the Pot O' Gold Restaurant on 5th!
Ask for Eric!
‐ There. Was that so hard?
Next time I see you at the checkout line,
you aren't cutting in front of shit!
See you around, None Horn!
‐ What have you done?!
I'm just a horse now!
A stupid fucking horse!
‐ I feel bad about that unicorn.
You know, I‐I bet a lot of his self‐worth
was tied up in that horn.
‐ Don't cry any tears for
that piece of shit, Patrick.
He runs an illegal horse fighting ring.
‐ But he is a horse.
Why would he do that to his own kind?
‐ Everyone knows that
the horse hierarchy goes
unicorns, pegasuses, zebras, show horses,
racehorses, labor horses,
mini horses, ponies,
donkeys, mules,
followed by your second tier,
lady unicorns, lady pegasuses,
lady zebras
‐ Wow. Horse culture is really toxic.
Hey, I won a skull!
Alright. Ah!
I'm not worried.
I work for the best king ever,
and he's probably working on a plan
to save all of us right now!
‐ Just a little higher!
I think we've almost got Randy beat!
Now, just hold it there forever.
‐ Ah! Jesus fucking Christ!
‐ Wow, a fondue place.
Now I have somewhere to bring dates.
‐ Sure, kid. Dates.
‐ Hey, that woman looks like
the lady in your painting.
‐ Jazlyn!
‐ Jazlyn?
‐ So, this is my replacement, huh?
‐ Hello, Kutter.
‐ Oh, howdy! Pleased to meet you!
My name's Bruce.
‐ Your dead wife is alive?
‐ I never said she was dead!
‐ It was strongly implied.
‐ Well, she's dead to me.
Dead! Just like I'll be soon.
You hear that,
Jazlyn?!
‐ Always a pleasure.
Ah! Oh! Ah! That hurts!
Oh, Patrick!
Help us! The punishment for losing
the game show is being turned into cheese!
‐ Ho‐ho! Someone fell for
the Shamrock Showdown.
‐ Let's fon‐due this. Oh no.
‐ This partnership was a success.
‐ Cheddar luck next time, bitch.
‐ Word around the janky part of town
is you're looking for Eric the Leprechaun.
Well, I've got some bad news.
You found him.
‐ Ha!
‐ Ah!
Looking Gouda, motherfucker!
‐ No, no! No, no! Ah!
‐ Gimme that. Ah! Ha!
‐ Ow! That's just annoying!
Get us with a blade, you idiot!
Ah! It's got all my face organs!
‐ Ha, ha!
We took down the Leprechaun Gang!
Not that I'm bragging as we are much
larger and stronger than them.
‐ Thanks for saving our lives.
You know we'd do the same for you.
‐ You literally didn't earlier today.
‐ Ha! Right. We're incorrigible. Anyway,
I'll catch you on the flip‐flop, tim‐tam!
‐ Bye, Patrick!
‐ You caught me! Now, let's play
‐ Give us the gold or I'll kick your nuts
up through your mouth hole!
‐ Fair enough.
‐ Well, you killed several members
of my date's family.
I'm unlikely to even get finger‐banged
tonight. Thanks a lot.
‐ Hey, leave him alone.
He has minutes to live.
‐ Oh, is he still doing that routine?
‐ I mean it this time!
‐ Okay, so you're not wearing the antidote
on a chain around your neck?
‐ Fuck you, Jazlyn.
‐ Contract fulfilled.
Here's your giant pot of gold.
‐ This is it? It's so small.
‐ Well, it's giant to me,
you sizeist motherfucker!
I bet there are giant people
somewhere who think you're small!
‐ Yeah. They're called giants.
‐ Ever consider that
they're the normal ones?
‐ So that would make you
extra‐extra tiny?
‐ Well, by the transitive property, sure.
Now, get out!
I'm a defeated man.
‐ Whoa.
What's all that?
‐ Ooh, those gems are bad luck!
Negative four shamrocks,
our lowest luck rating.
‐ Can I have some?
‐ No! What did I just tell you?
They say doom befalls anyone
who removes even one of these gems.
Well, I'll be on my way now!
But remember,
don't touch the gems!
Gems gems gems
Cursed! Cursed cursed cursed
Echo! Echo echo echo
‐ Well, kid, this gold should keep
the rats off your face
until you screw up again.
‐ Thanks for everything, Sir Kutter.
I didn't love you constantly
dragging me for being lame,
but you're right.
Being a knight should be fun.
I need to embrace the adventure
and the excitement.
‐ Get out there and fondue it, kid.
‐ I hope you're gonna
take that antidote now?
‐ You know what?
I learned something from you, too.
I'm not ready to hang it up yet.
Maybe I'm a wild card
with a devil‐may‐care attitude,
but also,
maybe I'm clinically depressed about
my divorce and should seek treatment.
I shall live another day!
Ah. The antidote was damaged
during the battle and is now empty.
‐ Oh no! What are you gonna do?
‐ We passed a drugstore on the way.
If I run at a solid sprint,
I should make it there in time.
‐ One more thing. Could you float me $20?
I get paid Friday‐‐
Ah!
‐ Holy shit! He fucking exploded!
What was in that poison?!
I gotta say, as deaths go,
that was pretty wild card.
‐ Look what I found.
You wouldn't believe the hell
I had to go through to get this.
‐ That's it?
That's the whole pot? Fetch the face rats.
‐ Wait wait! I also got you this.
Oogly‐moogly,
Patrick. Way to bury the lead.
Where'd you find these?
‐ Oh, there's a whole cave filled
with them not too far from the castle,
but I was warned to never touch them,
touch them, touch them.
‐ Oh, we're gonna touch 'em, alright.
Touch 'em like a bad uncle.
You're the greatest squire ever,
for real this time.
And someday, you're gonna
make one hell of a knight.
‐ Thank you, Your Majesty.
‐ Well, now that I'm rich again,
I'm off to squander money
on something pointless.
‐ Not so fast, Your Majesty.
You got some, uh,
unfinished business.
Butt chug! Butt chug!
‐ Oh! Ooh!
It's like pooping in reverse.
Which is not as much fun as you'd think.
- Butt chug!
- Ooh!
That was amazing.