Dan Vs. (2010) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Hello? Greetings drone, any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.
Thursday, What? Oh Dan, please don't tell me you forgot.
How could I forget?! I love our little Thanksgiving tradition.
I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs! So there you go.
I have forgotten nothing, Thanksgiving is saved.
Hurrah and three cheers for me.
Dan- At least one cheer.
DAN! STOP YELLING AT ME I AM AT THE STORE! Now look, you've caused a scene.
Everything's fine folks.
I've gotten him under control.
Go back to consuming.
People, huh? No manners these days.
You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right? WHAT?! I can't believe you forgot.
I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.
No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox! (chris on phone) Dan, Calm down?! CALM DOWN-- When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you? Don't be absurd.
What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur, and ken are mellifluously delectable.
I'll make it next year, but Dan- Next year.
NEXT YEAR?! I'll show you next year! You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance! Insurance? BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND! Dan? Hey Dan? FAMILY THANKSGIVING!!! Ah! My sphenoid! Dan! What are you doing?! ME?! You're the one who's stealing Thanksgiving! AHH! Dan! STOP IT! You're invited.
Don't you tell me-- wait, what? Like we told you.
Like umpteen billion times.
My parents asked us to invite you along.
R-Really? I don't believe you.
How can you not remember any of this?! They specifically asked you to bring your deviled eggs.
In vited? Me? So confused need to sit down.
I accept? Wonderful.
Now get your car off my lawn before I bury you under it.
To replace the eggs you broke.
This SUCKS.
We've been in the car for DAYS.
Would have been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Well, why don't your stupid parents just move closer? They were going to and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
And then a chainsaw slasher.
(chuckles) Oh yeah Good times.
Hey, sis.
Hi, Ben! Hey, Ben.
Hi-five! I see you're still putting on weight.
No.
I'm allergic to cats.
That must be very sad for you.
That cat is not coming inside.
Fine.
No Mr.
Mumbles, no Dan.
We'll live.
(mumbling to himself) "They wanted you to come" Ben! What did you say to Dan? MOM.
He's trying to bring a cat in here.
He is our guest.
Get inside.
Dan honey? Come on back.
(to himself) honey? Hi Junior, so glad you're home.
Mom, I've asked you not to call me-- Hi, dad.
Sweetheart.
Hey guys, great to be here.
Don.
.
Chris.
Dan, it is so nice to finally have you to our home.
Isn't it nice, Don? (don chuckles) Almost too nice.
Tell me Dan, you did bring those wonderful deviled eggs of yours.
I did.
Well let me put them in the fridge for you.
O kay.
Are you thirsty? Would you like some pink lemonade? Um sure.
Do you think they're trying to kill me? Well, maybe.
Why?! You tried to kill them.
HAVE them killed.
There's a difference.
Knock! Knock! Dan, why don't you come with me.
We've got your room all set up.
Um, that's okay.
Mr.
Mumbles and I were just going to bunk on the floor.
Nonsense.
We have a nice bed made up for you.
Come on.
If I don't get them before they get me, raise Mr.
Mumbles as if she were your own.
AH! Ah! Ah! My skin! Listen Dan, Don and I feel we've been too hard on you in the past.
(startled) Ah! My ears are burning.
The thing is, son, we were looking at you as the friend of the loser who probably ruined our daughter's life.
Now Don, be nice.
Sorry, honey.
But he's not totally wrong.
We didn't even give you a chance, and understand why you lashed out at us.
It doesn't matter.
It's all in the past.
You are a welcome guest in our home.
Is there anything I can get for you? Anything at all.
I um more pillows? Let me get those for you sport.
MOM.
There's a cat in my room?! I'm gonna puff up and everything.
Don't worry about that, sweetie, Dan will be sleeping here tonight.
WHAT?! Where am I gonna sleep? In your sister's room.
But she's in there with fatso.
You scoot.
Can it be for real, Mr.
Mumbles? (mr.
mumbles) Mrroh.
Yeah, I can't tell either.
They seem to actually want me here.
It's just so weird.
(mr.
mumbles) Mrow.
I agree.
We'll sleep in shifts.
So, this is teenaged Elise's diary? It's a journal.
Mom's making me sleep in here tonight.
Glad to have you, Ben! This'll be-ACCH! Pillow fight.
This is all very nice of you, but really, I'm fine.
Okay.
Well you sleep tight.
(elise to herself) What could they be up to Chris? Chris, are you awake? (chris dreaming) nachos beat tacos, I win Typical.
How much longer are we going to have to humor that little creep? Until we find out how he makes them.
This seems like a long way to go for a deviled egg recipe.
Don, you know they taste exactly like the ones my mother made only for special occasions.
Took the recipe to her grave, selfish old bat.
For years I've tried to replicate it.
It seemed hopeless until I tasted Dan's.
It Turned out that little good-for-nothing is actually good for one thing.
Do we really have to have Thanksgiving dinner with that goon? Not if I can help it.
I'm going downstairs right now to grab an egg for analysis.
(elise sr.
calling out) Is there somebody in there? No, No, NOOO! AHHHHHH WHAT.
.
ARE YOU.
.
DOING TO MY WIFE?! (all struggling to separate) (ben laughs) (ben yelling) Ah.
.
AH.
.
AH.
.
The cat's touching me! (ben yelling) Ahhh! It's happening!! Chris! What is the meaning of this? I flurred.
Ahh So much light! (ben choking) Somebody! My medicine.
First you ruin my special holiday dish, then you make a mess and disturb this entire house.
How do you think this reflects on me? Insult upon insult, sir! Mom, dad, I'm sorry.
He sleepwalks sometimes.
We'll clean this up.
Why won't anyone help me? No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.
You take yourhusband, upstairs.
I'll get you some rope.
Dad.
I'm sorry about my friend, Mrs Elise's mom.
Call me Elise.
And don't you worry about Chris.
I'm just sorry we didn't get to taste your deviled eggs.
You know, I could go to the store with you.
We could get everything you need to make a new batch.
Hmm.
You know what? I think I have everything I need here, if you don't mind me using your stuff.
Not at all.
I could help.
Oh, no.
Secret family recipe.
Stole it from my grandma on her deathbed.
I completely understand.
Hey, let me at least boil the eggs for you.
I wouldn't hear of it.
There's a trick to that, too.
Ahh.
.
ha ha ha I'll boil the eggs tonight and be-devil them tomorrow.
I'll see myself to bed.
Good night! Good night, honey.
Covered pot.
6 minutes boil, 6 minutes steam Um, Elise? Morning.
What did we do last night? Will you two shut up? I'm trying to sleep, here.
Sorry, Ben.
Shut up, fatso.
Hey.
I found out why my parents are being so nice to Dan.
They're drunk? They want his deviled eggs recipe.
Really? Long story short, they intend to steal his recipe and then shun him forever.
Maybe it's in everybody's best interest if we don't tell him.
As long as he thinks he's wanted, we can get through Thanksgiving with no fires.
and that's why all through 10th grade they called him "Ploppers".
(don laughing) That's the best thing I've heard all year.
Seconds? Yes please! And thanks for making the omelet with oil instead of milk and butter.
Well, It's the holidays.
I love to cook for my family.
May I have some breakfast? You eat last.
Aww Morning everyone! Hi, Junior.
Hi, Junior.
Don't call me "Junior".
Oh, let me take that for you.
Thank you.
You know, you two have been so welcoming, that when I be-devil my eggs, I'll not only make sure Mr.
Mumbles stays out of the kitchen, I'll even wash my hands.
Are you sure I can't help? I appreciate it, but I really must keep this recipe top secret.
Like grandma thought she did I still don't think this is worth it.
It's bad enough we have Chris.
Oh hush, Don.
Oh, what is that big galoot doing now? Hi Dan, how're the eggs coming? You're not supposed to be here! Mr.
Mumbles isn't even allowed in here.
Then why is she licking that spoon? Mr.
Mumbles! That's not for kitties! Hey, this is really cute.
What's it doing in the kitchen? No, No NO! He took the camera! Why are you so surprised? That lummox ruins everything.
Does this mean we can kick Dan out now? Not yet.
I need to analyze an egg from the new batch.
You could sneak off during the family football game and grab one while I'm pounding the stuffing out of Chris.
I love you, Don.
Okay kids, ready? Ready! Ahh!! Nice three point stance, sport.
Thanks, Don! Hut! Ha! Booyah! Ha! That's my boy! Look at him go! ( scottish bagpipes ) Hey hey hey! You're going down, sister.
Take it down a notch, Dan.
I'm going to run you over like a freight train, son.
Did you just call me son? Hut! Hut! It's two-hand touch.
Nice hit! Chris! Are you okay? (chris wheezing) Dad! That was way out of line.
Don't talk to your father like that, Junior.
Don't call me Junior! It's.
Your.
NAME.
I'm going to my room! Always the drama queen.
I'm going to go check on the bird.
Ha! (hushed fury) No! Without Junior, they don't really have much of a team, do they.
Are you getting up or what? You're making me look bad in front of Don.
As usual.
You don't even like Don! He's one of my closest friends! Don is not your friend! Of course he is! They are lying to you! They don't really like you at all.
You're just jealous because I've connected to Elise's parents on a way deeper level than you ever will.
They just want your deviled egg recipe.
No, they wouldn't That's not true.
It is true.
Once they have it, they never want to see you again.
Ahhh Rrraahhh uuurhh, my head I.
Will.
Burn this house Dan- TO THE GROUND! Why do I have to sit at the kids' table? There's no room, son.
We had to make a space for our guest.
Look who wanted to join us.
Um, sport? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a cat on the table? Isn't that what Thanksgiving's about? Sharing it with those that we genuinely, truly, honestly care for? Aw, she thinks she's people.
Who likes trimmings? You do.
You do.
Oh look, I see the deviled egg plate is empty.
Why don't I go get the rest out of the fridge.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Let me.
No no, I insist.
Remember, one of those eggs needs to be put aside to analyze.
Your sacrifice will be great, unfertilized non-babies, but it shall not be forgotten.
Now, you want my secret so much? Well I'll give it to you.
Ow! Hey.
The grown-ups table always gets first dibs, you silly goose.
AHH! Acch! What is this, poison?! It's vinegar! Apple cider vinegar, to be exact! A whole bottle's worth.
Graa! I'm gonna be sick Why?! Why would you do this when we've been nothing but nice to you? Only for your own nefarious gains.
What are you talking about?! You only invited me here because you wanted to steal my secret family recipe and then throw me away.
Of course that's the only reason we invited you! Have you ever met you?! A-HA! Get out of my house! FINE! And take that mangy furball with you! (mr.
mumbles) mrow! It's not mange! She's just not very good at licking herself Darn it Don, we were so close.
No more! And if there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
Well Mr.
Mumbles, it's come full circle.
You know what they say: If you can't beat them, join them.
If you can't join them burn their house to the ground! Vinegar is stinging my sinuses.
Yeah, that was crummy of Dan.
But so was inviting someone to Thanksgiving dinner just to steal from them and make them believe they're cared about when they're really not.
Especially Dan.
He's dangerously unstable.
I think you're right, Elise.
We did let this get out of hand.
You can't seriously be thinking of letting him back in our home? It's only right, Don.
Thanks, mom.
That's very reasonable of you.
Don't patronize me, Junior.
Stop calling me Junior! I'll invite him in for dessert.
If he touches my cobbler I swear I'm putting my thumbs through his eyes.
PHASE THREE! Unhand me, yankee! Dan, calm down.
They want to apologize.
That's just what they'd have you say, Bernadette Arnold! Dan, please.
I am truly sorry for how we've treated you.
Betrayed me! Played me for a fool.
A sap.
A real mammajook over here.
I know and it was wrong.
(to herself) Mammajook? My actions were inexcusable.
We really feel bad about what we did and we're sorry.
Right Don? Uh, sure.
Bad.
You people lure me here under false pretenses, you try to steal from me manipulate me; and now you have the unmitigated gall to ask my forgiveness?! They really mean it this time, Dan.
They know they were in the wrong.
But we really do like you Dan, and enjoy your company.
Like? Enjoy Me? I So torn.
Revenge!Forgiveness? So much pressure in my head-gna- (mr.
mumbles) meow Fire! My drapes! Hello? Fire Department? Our house is on fire! What? Hold? Hello? Oh no! The recipe! Mom! I mean Dan, I guess.
Did you know, the actual story of Thanksgiving is a bit darker than what they teach in school.
For instance- Enough! Everyone just go to sleep.
Anyone still awake in five minutes gets a smothering.
Don.
The foot is down.
Hey guys, you know what I'm thankful for? Friendship.
(everyone) Shut up, Dan.