Danger 5 (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas, everybody.
Welcome, welcome! All right, Santa.
I want a Toxic Ooze battle-dome with extra ooze refills.
And I want a TX-1000 Cybernetic Gun armed with Arctic sonar camo Uh? Uh! Heh, heh, heh! Hey! What? How did you survive, you kraut bastard? Ha, ha, ha! Let's sit down and talk this out.
Nein! I said, sit down! Heh, heh, heh! Ugh Ha, ha, ha, ha! Danger 5 will hunt you down, you motherfu Urgh Uh Hello, everyone.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for coming.
Hoy.
Er, especially Mum and Dad who have come all the way from Greg's Peninsula in Shark Australia.
Brian, there's no thousand island sauce for these prawns! Aw, would you just shush, Marie.
Shut the Yes.
Um I love you too, Mum.
I just want to go crabby.
Oh, la-de-da! Now Claire My wife.
I couldn't find the words to tell you how I feel with my real mouth so instead I'm going to use my second mouth, my keyboard.
Oh that's beautiful.
What are you doing in North Korea, Mr Jackson? I'll never talk, you commie son of a bitch! You will find I can be very persuasive.
No! No! No! No Nooo! Wha wha Oh! Oh Hi, Lorraine? Yeah, it is me again.
Um Yeah, can you gimme the usual? She was a stupid horse, girls.
Pierre, you're the greatest entrepreneur that's ever lived.
You have 1000 hit singles, 1000 fashion lines and now 1000 night clubs.
What drives you? McKenzie! Dozo.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Hai! Take a copy of my cocktail book! Aghhhh! Prawnsu! Prawnsu! Aw, Brian, the prawns have gone off! Would you just shush, Marie! Oy, oy! Uww Whoa! Phwoar! He, he, he! No, no Urgh Ah so! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Uh? He, he, he! No! No! No! No, no, Nooo! No! Slam dunk.
No Oh, look, Claire, a jaffle maker! Oh, and his and hers thousand island dressing guns.
Oh, thanks, Mum! Ooh! Claire, it's got a grenade! Colonel Chestbridge, former commander of World War II super team Danger 5, has been added to the permanent collection at the London Natural History Museum.
Remembered for his military expertise Excuse me, is this a good motion picture? That's a good one, my friend.
And you'll also love the sequel.
Climbo! Tantrum Tom! Claire, I can't find a movie with a title that says what I want to say! Be cool, my friend! But I want to use the home video code, Pierre! Whoa, McKenzie! I'm sorry, Tucker, my butler gets a little hot-headed.
McKenzie, have some movie corn.
Hey, ah, where's Ilsa? She didn't come here with you? Where the hell is she? Well, if she was here, she would have shown us this.
Oh right, yeah! Two key suspects have emerged in the Chestbridge killings.
Nazi war criminal Otto Skorzeny and an unknown accomplice.
Otto Skorzeny? I thought we killed that piece of fish in Zanzibar.
I thought so too, man, but he's hiding in Argentina.
Changed his name to Carlos Mendez.
The Police Department don't give a damn.
They shoved so much red tape up my ass, man.
Maybe that gun nut killed Ilsa, too.
Ilsa can't die! Carlos killed the Colonel.
Carlos has to pay.
You said it, Jackson! Just like the good Ol' days.
McKenzie, book us five tickets to Buenos Aires! No.
We can't go to Argentina, I've already booked our honeymoon to Bali! Mm Carlos! Mm Ah, lemonade.
Okay.
Aah! Ah! Babes, boobs, blow the perfect hiding hole for a piece of fish like Carlos Mendez.
20, 40, 60 Let's shake this city down.
Yes, yes, yes! All right! Nice.
All right.
Mendez could be anywhere.
You're right.
Mm? The rainforest walk, the kayak adventure or at the couples retreat getting a free organic banana leaf facial! Yes he'd definitely get one of those.
Those all sound like honeymoon destinations, not hiding places for an outlaw drug man.
Nonsense! We know Carlos isn't hiding in this complimentary margarine hexagon! I hope Ilsa's all right.
Ilsa's always been a bit of a custard tart.
And you know what they say about custard tarts? They can take care of themselves.
Mendez definitely isn't here, Tucker.
Let's keep moving.
But he could be hiding in this mango daiquiri! Claire? Everything's complimentary! I'll buy a dance if you tell me where I can find Carlos Mendez.
You don't have to pay for anything.
Just show me some skin.
Okay! Don't do it, Pierre! I know how this Mendez works.
You show me where that goddamn snorkel man is.
I can see him! I can see him! Whoa! Knock off the fish! That's not how you treat such an exotic peach! I can't tell you anything! Mendez is protected by President Peron! Peron? We go way back! We're practically brothers! He'll give us a reception fit for a king! Ahh Ola Como Te Oh shit! Pierre! I thought you were tight with these people! Shhh! You'll wake it! Pussy cat.
Nooo! Jackson, shh! Lalo, is that you? Peron? Ola, my friend! Next time you should really make an appointment.
I tried to call, I called you! Bullshit! No.
They said wait.
You did? Yes.
Why didn't you make an appointment, Pierre? This isn't on the itinerary.
We're supposed to be going to the Museum of Cups and Saucers.
The spoon exhibit closes at four.
I just want to take a brief detour, through this crime-infested slum.
Are you suggesting we spend our honeymoon nosing around alleys looking for drug men instead of adhering to our mutually approved timetable and consummating our marriage? Tucker! Our commanding officer was brutally murdered and your head is in your trousers? I'm not a spy anymore, Claire! Those days are long gone.
Now I'm a singer songwriter and semi-published erotic novelist.
But most of all, I'm your husband and I want to enjoy our honeymoon! Give me my gun.
I didn't pack the gun, I needed room for sandwiches.
New item to the itinerary, Tucker.
Teaching these boys Aah! Aww! Wow! Sieg Heil! Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Thanks, ethnic local.
Oh, that's a bonza idea! Claire, did you hear that? Our own Sherpa! What's your name, Sherpa? It can't be, Hitler's dead.
Yes, and Hitler never wore hats.
Just like in the brochure! Yeah! Can you teach me how to communicate with cats? No, no, no.
Pierre, it's the ants.
Yes, yes, yes It's the ants.
Of all things Naughty Fawzia! Hey! How you doing? Sorry about that little misunderstanding before, Lalo.
Your friend did well to survive the ants.
He's both strong and tough.
Like this table.
Peron, I need you to pull some shoelaces for me.
We're looking for a man called Carlos Mendez.
Let's have a drink, uh? I think this goes well with rolled kiwi fruit.
I think you taught me this one, Lalo.
Yes, I taught you this one.
Aah! He's got Ilsa! Goddamit, this guy's a communist! He's trying to give us a commo-job.
Whoa! Put the gun down, my friend! Ilsa isn't here.
She's right there! That's just my daughter Stina! Too much party in my nose, Papi! It's OK, baby.
Hey! Where's Carlos!? I was going to tell you.
But given the circumstances, I change my mind! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What did you do that for? The information is inside his head.
We can find it ourselves! Are you serious? What? Mendez was here the whole time!? Shit! Fish! This Cat Circus is as remarkable as a fried kangaroo egg! Luxury super yacht! Claire, did you hear that? Count us in.
One, two, three! Tucker, we need to be looking for Mendez.
Plus I think Father Hitler is a confidence man.
Yes! Of course he is.
He's making me confident.
And comfortable.
They should call him a comfortable man.
We keep drifting off the timetable.
I made these margarine sandwiches Oh! He, he Well of course I have.
Six or seven times today alone.
Yeah.
It hurts.
But I'm a man.
Yeah.
We did it.
Oh, we've done it, yeah.
It's done.
Nooo! Ilsa, my love.
Still working on your tan? I like the cold.
Keeps a man honest.
Now what do you have for me, potato hips? Go to American and intercept Hitler's next move.
Your work in Argentina is complete.
Destroy Hitler's luxury super yacht with this Bombushka.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Go, go.
Jackson! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Argh! Why did you kill the Colonel, Mendez? No! No, no, no, no! C'mon, my friend! We can talk about this! Take a look at my latest single! Please? Mmm Aah Just like old times, my friend.
Aaah! I feel like chattin'! Who wants to chat? You love to chat? Goldie loves to chat! Chat! Chat! Chat! Chat! Chat! Chat! Chat! Chat! How do you know Ilsa? Do I like what I see? Do you like what you see? Aargh! Mm! I've never had Argentinian food before.
Asparagus? More like, I-don't-know-what-that-is-agus.
And then she said, "Am I a horse? Then why do you keep riding me?".
But she was a horse! Stupid horse.
What's going on, Ilsa? Why are you on this boat? I haven't seen you in an eternity.
A dancer? Wow! Tucker, look! Hey! Darn it, I only brought enough coupons for the two of us.
Ilsa! You're alive! What? Where have you been? She's a dancer.
So amazing! Glad to see you're not dead, Ilsa.
Ah, here he is! Everyone, I'd like you to meet our tour guide, Father Hitler! Hitler! I knew it! Hitler DOES wear hats! Doh! He's a master of disguise, Tucker.
Gesu Cristo.
How could you have forgotten? Here, Claire, take this.
What? What is he talking about? Yeah, I may have told him something.
Just, you know, a fib.
Fib, fib, fib.
No time for your nonsense, Tucker.
Where the hell are you going? But we gotta get Hitler! Oh yeah, a dancer.
So amazing! Wow.
Peek-a-boo.
Barleys.
Eh! No windows for you to jump out of this time, Hitler.
How observant, Cl He, he, he, he he! Ha, ha, ha! Aaah! I'll kill him, Claire I promise.
I know you're sad, my friend, but please don't carry that thing around! You'll catch some sort of dead person's disease.
New from Tamico! It's the Adolf Hitler Action Set! The real-sound Hitler moustache has the commanding voice you need to take over the world.
I am Hitler.
Cower before me, underling.
And with the Super Uzi machine gun, you're the boss of bedtime.
What the hell are you wearing? Did you buy him that? No! Go to bed, Billy! Nein! The Adolf Hitler talking moustache, Super Uzi, cool sunglasses, tactical hairdo and bullet-proof trench coat, each sold separately.
From Tamico.
I think this is the kind of girl Hitler would be after.
Holly de Palma? Here.
Johnny Hitler? Heil.
Keep your eyes off my date, Lisa Lespez.