Derry Girls (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

That summer was a remarkable one.
It was the summer we dared to dream.
For generations, we'd known nothing but violence.
Nothing but hatred.
But finally we were saying, "Enough is enough.
" Finally, we were saying, "Let's give peace a chance.
" She's up here! Jesus Christ! She's pretending she's on Parkinson again.
Parkinson? Does she know what time it is? I'll Parkinson her.
I've enough on my plate without Parkinson.
Close the door! No, Orla.
Leave, then close the door.
And it was Wogan, for your information! And for the love of God don't forget your waterproof trousers.
They nearly bloody bankrupted us.
Do the Protestants have to bring waterproof trousers? Or will the Catholics be expected to do all the dirty work? What dirty work? It's an outdoor pursuits weekend.
I thought you said you were be building bridges? Not real bridges, Mammy, metaphorical bridges.
Then why can't you wear metaphorical trousers? Will any of your crowd be going, love? My crowd? Or can you not get Protestant lesbians? No, I think you can get them all right, it's just I heard that k.
d.
lang on the radio yesterday.
Christ, but she's some set of pipes on her.
You're very talented people.
Thank you? Has anybody seen my bow and arrow? Orla really thrives in the wild, you know.
That time we went camping in Portsalon, sure she was like Mowgli running around them woods.
She was that happy, Mary, I honestly thought about just leaving her there.
Ach, Mammy.
TV: Because of government restrictions, we cannot broadcast the voice of Mr Adams.
His words are spoken by an actor.
Well, with respect, and I mean I will never understand the point of it.
I'll never understand the point of you.
Grand so.
DOORBELL RINGS I'll go.
.
.
about the need to see an end to all acts of violence.
I want to see that.
It's because his natural voice is actually very seductive.
Apparently, he sounds like a West Belfast Bond.
As far as the English are concerned, a voice like that Well, it's dangerous.
Just so I'm clear, are you saying that the British government dub the voice of Gerry Adams because it's too sexy? It's like a fine whiskey.
And I have that on good authority, boy.
OK.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Hi.
Bet that's what he said when he was nabbed.
When who got nabbed? Have yous not heard? You know your man? Floppy hair, English, he's all, "Fuck-a-doodle this, "fuck-a-doodle that".
He's flat out going to weddings with his mates, until one of them, the fat, beardy one in the skirt, until he croaks it and they're all, "We need to show this man a bit of respect here, "let's stop all the clocks.
" He goes with your woman.
Do you know her? She's a total ride, but she paperclips her frocks together.
Well, he was caught getting down and dirty with some hooker in the back of his BMW.
Dark horse or what? Good Morning, Michelle.
I am buzzing for this weekend.
Them waterproof trousers do wonders for my hole.
Mine are pink.
They're bright pink.
They were two for one, James, stop crying.
Two for one? Where? Kay's catalogue.
Oh, and my mammy said to tell you Her big bowl.
I know, I know, I keep forgetting, I'll drop it round today.
No, she says you're to hang on to it.
What? She doesn't want her big bowl back? But why? There's nothing wrong with that bowl.
Sure, I was admiring that bowl only yesterday.
It's a grand bowl.
I'm just the messenger, folks.
Right.
We need to shift ourselves.
Listen, wains, I've already said this to Erin.
Mammy, please! No funny business with these Protestant lads.
Is that clear? I don't want anybody landing back here pregnant.
Not very likely in my case.
I wouldn't rule it out, son.
Teenage boys can be very convincing, Erin.
I remember your father at that age and End that sentence, now.
Yes, please do.
Creep.
We're not doing this to get off with some protestant boys, Mammy.
We're doing this to reach across the divide.
Did your mother get a new big bowl? I don't think so.
We're doing this for peace! All right, Erin.
No need to make a big song and dance about it.
We're doing it for peace, all right, Mary.
A piece of that fine Protestant ass! God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.
No, I'm not.
I just don't think there's anything wrong with some cross-community Fiddling.
.
.
relations.
So we need head south=east for 0.
5 Miles and you'll receive further instructions shortly.
We haven't even left the estate yet, Orla.
These Prods have some serious moves up their sleeves, you know.
They're not as fucked up about sex as we are.
They've put the work in, they know what they're doing.
They're people, Michelle! They're not sex toys! I beg to differ.
I'm really looking forward to making friends with some lads.
Lads aren't going to make friends with you, James.
Lads make friends with other lads.
I am a lad.
Aye, so you are, James.
OK, how much money do we have? Look the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don't see why we have to buy them a present.
They already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.
Aye, Michelle, that's definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.
A present for Protestants.
Ah, now my next "Protestant gift delivery" isn't due to arrive until Wednesday.
And as it stands I'm completely out of stock.
What, with there being such a high fucking demand for that sort of thing around these parts.
That's a shame.
How much for the Subbooto, Dennis? We'll call it 16 quid.
Could we call it ã1.
76? No, we fucking couldn't.
How about, we give you the ã1.
76 and we pay the rest off in instalments? Yeah, which would be what? ã3.
56 over four weeks? Jesus, check out Rain-wain.
Or you could give us the Subbooto and then we work off the debt? Yeah, we could do chores and stuff.
Chores? What do you think this is, Little House On The Fucking Prairie? Do you watch Little House On The Prairie, Dennis? GET OUT! Come on, girls! This is embarrassing.
Well, it's all right for you, Clare, but we want to buck these lads.
We have to offer them some kind of incentive.
They're not prostitutes, Michelle.
And even if they were, I think a half-eaten packet of Rolos and an Ulster Bank key ring is a pretty insulting form of payment.
I have a HB Pencil! Happy days.
Hi, guys.
That's not That's not what you're giving to the Protestants, is it? It's just a little token, really.
Yeah, so's ours.
Is that an Ulster bank key ring? It is indeed, yep.
I must admit, I had a bit of an advantage when it came to the whole present buying thing, because You're loaded.
.
.
because I know what they like.
I happen to be very good friends with a half-Protestant.
What? They don't come in halves, Jenny.
They do, actually.
I met her at ballet class, her name's Zara.
And she has horse.
Good for Zara.
Bye-bye now.
Of course she's friends with a half-Protestant! Of course she is! She has been fucking unbearable since them braces came off.
Dose.
Well, I'm going to make friends with a full Protestant, see how she likes it.
Zara won't seem quite so impressive next to my thoroughbred, will she, Jenny?! Relax, Clare.
Why has she got so much money, anyway? Who's her da? Pierce fucking Brosnan? He's a surgeon over at Altnagelvin, he took Orla's tonsils out.
And not a day goes by when I don't think about them.
ALL: Give peace a chance! Give peace a chance! Give peace a chance! Give peace a chance! BOTH: No hate! No hate! Let's integrate! Yay! Kill me.
Give peace a chance! Give peace a chance! The Prods have landed! MUSIC: Teenage Kicks by The Undertones Single file! You must be Miss Taylor? That's right.
Well, Janet.
Michael.
Sister Michael.
It's a pleasure.
I know.
Move it.
Shift it.
Why's everyone so desperate for them to mix? I think we should keep them separate.
I think we should keep them in cages.
So our Lady Immaculate Girls have been split into groups - A through to F - as have The Londonderry Boys Academy.
We'd like As to find As, Bs to find Bs, etc, and so on.
It's very straightforward.
However, if that isn't clear, feel free to say so.
But know that you will be judged.
Ah, lads, you really shouldn't have.
I'm starting to see that all right.
I'm going to keep mine on my bed.
Where I sleep, in my knickers.
Right.
I mean, these are free, for a start.
My dad has, like, 45 of them.
We were told it was an all girls' school.
You've been a bit short changed there.
Nah, it's fine, mate.
It's all good, man.
I'll .
.
I'll just give it to my bird.
Your bird? Yeah, she's really fitand stuff.
Right.
OK, great.
I'm sorry, but is he OK? Philip's actually deaf.
Oh.
In one ear.
He's deaf in one ear.
That's right.
Which ear? That's actually a very inappropriate question.
Is it? It is, yeah.
Oh, my God! This is the best present ever! Aw, you guys! Rolo, anyone? OK, listen up, people! According to this, you're going to need a .
.
well, they've used the term .
.
"buddy", for tomorrow's activities.
I bagsy Harry! What? But that's not fair, he's the only good-looking one.
The rest of us are right here.
You snooze, you lose, Erin.
I suppose I'll have you, then.
Aren't you a charmer? So should us two bad bastards hook up or what? I'm sorry? Um, will you be my buddy, please? Sure.
Listen, Philip, about the whole "which ear" thing It's fine.
I'll be your partner.
Great! And, just to be clear, are you a fully blown Protestant? Of course.
Sister Michael! I don't have a Protestant! Well, you'll have to share with James.
What? No! Look, there just aren't enough Protestants to go round.
The mediator's here.
He's .
.
one of your lot.
Not a priest? Quite young, Southern.
Bit of an arsehole, but, oh, my Godamazing hair.
Oh, for feck's sake.
OK, so I see a few familiar faces out there.
As some of you may know, I took a bit of a sabbatical last year.
Do you mean when you shacked up with a slutty hairdresser, but then she dumped you? Miss Mallon, please! Raise your hand if you want to ask a question.
OK, I think we should just move on.
The hairdresser certainly did.
OK, so this is just a little exercise I like to kick off with.
Ah, give me strength.
I want you guys to give me examples of things that Catholics and Protestants have in common and things that they don't have in common.
Let's start with similarities.
Erin, why don't you get the ball rolling? OK.
So, we both Right.
So, we all .
.
God, this is actually quite hard.
Anything at all, a small thing even.
OK, so Right.
God, I'm, actually, drawing a blank here, to be honest.
Not to worry, someone else? A similarity? Yes.
Protestants are British and Catholics are Irish.
So that's actually a difference.
Quite a Quite a big difference.
But that's OK, we can write that down.
Now, back to similarities.
Yes? Protestants are richer.
OK, so that's another difference.
And I'm not sure that's actually I mean, is that true? I would say so.
Yeah, I suppose that's fair enough.
Yes, great.
Off you go.
Catholics really buzz off statues and we don't so much.
I do enjoy a good statue, it has to be said.
So again, what we have there is a difference.
Ooh! Protestants like to march and Catholics like to walk.
OK, can we just? Jenny, could you just? Oh, you've already written it down, have you? Great, thank you, Jenny.
I want to just pause and think about what's in here.
What about the fact that we all feel and love and hope and Write this down.
We all cry.
We all laugh.
We all dream.
I just want to think along those lines, for a moment.
OK? Catholics watch RTE! Protestants love cleaning! Protestants are taller! Catholics have more freckles.
Protestants hate Abba.
OK, thank you.
Let me just rephrase slightly.
Can you think of anything .
.
that unites every single person in this room? AWKWARD COUGH Is there anything that we all want? For this to be over.
And we'll wrap it up there.
I'm not sure about this.
I knew you'd fanny out! These lads have moves.
You said so yourself, Michelle.
And I haven't got any moves! Look, let's just get in there, have a few drinks and just loosen up a bit.
No! No loosening up! I don't like it! Just be confident, Erin.
Boys like that.
How the fuck would you know what boys like? Cos I'm a boy, Michelle! I'm a real live boy.
Aw, yeah, like Pinocchio.
Right.
OK.
Listenbe sexy, OK? Sexy, right.
I said be sexy, not be a fucking blowfish, Erin.
Hello, mate.
We heard you boys are having a party.
No? Well, yous are now.
# Uh-oh we're in trouble # Something's come along and it's burst our bubble # Yeah, yeah Uh-oh# I really like this one.
Have you seen the video? OK, let's cut the crap, Dee.
Sorry? You know why I'm here.
But before we begin.
Begin what? I won't have as many moves as you.
I just want to get that out there.
I really don't know.
I haven't put the hours in.
And that's not because I'm lazy, it's just not part of our culture.
But if you're OK with that, I say we just crack on.
CRISP CRUNCHES Fancy another beer, mate? Christ but I just love beer.
Don't you just love beer? Yeah, beer is nice.
I love beer and football and poker and, you know, tits.
Tits? Can't get enough of them.
Then again I am a lad.
Yeah, he may be a lad, Jon, but I can offer you protection.
I have a hunting knife.
Right, OK.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going? Nature's calling.
Whoa! Number 1 or Number 2? Excuse me? Just answer the question, Jon.
I don't want to answer the question.
I'm not comfortable with the question.
Cos if it's a number two, it's safer to bury it.
You don't want a pack of wolves following your scent out in these parts.
Those boys, they'll tear you limb from limb.
We're inside.
They have very sophisticated noses, Jon.
I'm going to go now.
Can't you let me have anything for myself? No.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Do you want to go somewhere a bit more private? I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Why not? What the fuck's that? And I think the reason I was interested in whether or not you were a fully-blown Protestant is because as far as I'm concerned, you can't be Protestant enough.
I am all for the Protestants.
I can't get enough of them.
Protestant mad I am.
And I think I maybe running with this but I'm sure you really like Catholics too, it's just that we've been conditioned to I don't.
What? You don't? No.
I hate them.
I think they're arseholes.
That's not true.
That can't be true.
It is.
And they're all thick as shit.
I despise them.
I really do.
OK.
So how do you want to do this? Do you wanna kick things off or should I? Oh, my God, are you coming on to me?! Is that what this is? I thought you were having some sort of breakdown.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH He's wearing a purity bracelet.
What does that mean? No down below action, that's what it fucking means.
We have to swap.
Swap? Yeah, we'll just swap over.
You take Harry, I'll take Lee.
Dee.
Whatever.
We can't do that? Why not? You fancied him first, and your lack of moves won't be an issue.
That is true.
Aye.
She's coming! Who? The woman.
The small angry woman.
Sister Michael! Shit! BOTTLES CLINK Oh, good evening Sister.
We just popped round because we had a few questions about the British Empire, which the boys have cleared up for us now so They weren't talking about the British Empire, Sister.
They were having a party.
I could hear the music.
You will go far in life, Jenny.
But you will not be well liked.
Honestly, girls, I need my eight hours, but I've Mary Quinn on the phone frying my head and now this.
What? My Mother rang? Why? Is everything OK? She was quite distressed.
She wanted me to pass on a message.
And are you going to? Oh, fine.
Erm SHE CLEARS HER THROA Erin, I need some information.
Can you find out in a subtle way .
.
if Michelle's mother was given the big bowl by someone she has since fallen out with and if she can no longer bring herself to look at the big bowl because it's just too painful.
All the best, your mother Mary.
Well? No.
Shift it! Let's go.
Come on.
Quick.
Jennie.
What's wrong with Clare? She hasn't said two words since last night.
Well, I'm not complaining.
I just did it for a laugh.
The trousers.
I'd do anything for a laugh, me.
I'm mad like that.
Right.
All right, there they are.
OK, if we're going to do this Michelle, we need to do it delicately.
Of course.
Oi! Lads! We want to swap.
Brilliant! Swap? Yeah, Erin's gonna have Harry now and I'm gonna have you, all right? Great stuff.
I think we all can agree, that for generations there's been a deep lack of trust between your communities.
And that's where abseiling comes in.
Christ.
Abseiling is a great trust-building exercise.
Because what you're doing is, you're saying to your buddy, "Lean on me, I'm here for you".
Now, let me see who's first.
Ah, Clare, Clare Devlin, there you are.
I'm not sure about this.
You'll be grand.
No, listen, you don't understand.
Now, where's your buddy? Good man, yourself.
Come on, now.
Philip will control Clare's descent by feeding her rope through what's know as a belay device.
So he'll be the one actually dictating the speed of her drop.
I think, if it's OK, I'd just like to take a moment and just SHE SCREAMS: Jesus! Aaargh! Are you ready, Philip? Oh, yeah.
SHE WHIMPERS OK, everybody.
So, on three.
Seriously, folks, I'm not feeling entirely comfortable with this! One two CLARE SCREAMS .
.
three.
SHE SCREAMS Stop! Stop it! Get me out of here! He's trying to kill me! He wants to kill us all, all of the Catholics! Look at his eyes, he's a madman! A Fenian-hating madman.
Don't let the Jaffa bastard hurt me! Please! MUTTERING Oh, my God.
Jesus, Clare! Fuck a doodle do! He said he hated us.
No, I didn't.
Last night, you said you hated Catholics.
Admit it.
I said I hated athletes.
I'm not much of a sports fan.
But we weren't even talking about athletes! Well, I thought we were! Why would you have thought we were talking about athletes? Because I'm deaf in one ear! Catholics does sound a bit like athletes, to be fair to him, like.
MUTTERING IN AGREEMEN They're all arseholes.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You tried to swap us! Because all protestants are the same? Aren't they, girls? Yes.
NO! And this guy's really creepy and a bit sort of sexist.
And she carries a knife and makes people bury their own excrement.
Fucking Catholics.
Who said that? Who? Should we break it up? Hey! Don't touch the hair! Don't touch the hair! Let's leave it a minute.
I just cannot get my head around it.
For the love of God, Mary, it's only a bowl.
Who just gives away their big bowl, Gerry? It doesn't make sense.
Aye, she's definitely up to something, love.
I have always said that Deidre Mallon was a bit fly.
I'd confront her about it.
I intend to.
Great! Do that! Then maybe we can lay the whole bloody thing to rest.
Take that tone with her again and I'll lay you to rest, boyo! Do you know what this is about, Geraldine? As far as I can make out, these lads tried to throw my Clare off a cliff.
Desperate.
Are you all right, Mary? How's the bowl working out for you? Great.
Great.
Thanks very much, Deirdre.
Well, that got to the bottom of it all right.
Is that everyone? Lovely stuff.
OK, so, there was a bit of a misunderstanding on the expedition today which unfortunately led to a physical altercation.
I thought rather than let it fester, we should talk about it, and start to heal and repair.
So who'd like to go first? Jaffa bastard? You actually said those words? It just came out, Mammy.
Why were you threatening people with a knife, love? OK, one at a time, please.
Well, if you'd wear the bloody hearing aid I paid a fortune for you'd have heard what she said! Unbelievable! Girls! You were fighting with girls! This is all your fault.
I knew this would happen.