Detroiters (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

1 And the commercial would begin with a cartoon version of you who keeps popping up and talking about all the deals you have at Mr.
Alvin's.
Oh, I love that.
Looks just like me.
Yeah, we figured that he'd keep on popping up and he'd be like, "Come on down to Mr.
Alvin's.
" We've got FILA 29, or two for 50.
" "Nike, 29 or two for 50.
" Why does he sound like that? I'm sorry? Why does the cartoon sound like that? Oh, he doesn't.
Yeah.
You do.
You sound like that.
That's right.
I like the cartoon.
Just don't make him sound all stupid and shit.
Have you heard your voice? That is our eighth yes in a row! My friend, we are officially on a hot streak.
- Officially! - Officially! Gentlemen, are you ready to go to dinner? What are you talking about? Oh sh - Oh, yes.
- No.
- That's right.
- Dinner.
Oh, your anniversary dinner! Oh, well, two reasons to celebrate! Shall we go? Guys, you're dressed like shit.
Yeah, but you look like you're about to go on the Titanic.
Oh, boom, beast.
Let's go.
- Come on, let's go! - Come on now! I guess you didn't like your food.
Then why'd I finish it, butt-munch? Don't be an asshole.
To Sheila! And her 50 years with the company! That old gray mare is still what she used to be.
You must have seen it all.
Yeah, what was it like back when you started, Sheila? It was the golden age of advertising.
And your father was the best.
I even had my moment.
Did you know I came up with the tagline for Wick's pantyhose? "Control top to make him lose control.
" That's pretty racy.
I was talking about making the man ejaculate early.
Oh, cool.
Mm-hmm.
Of course there was no credit and I wasn't paid, because I was just a secretary.
It was a different world back then.
Sam, you would've had a hell of a time.
- Oh, I know.
- Yeah, we all would've.
Well We all would've had a bad time.
Not the same.
Well, happy 50th, Sheila.
And happy hot streak! Eight in a row, baby! Gentlemen, thank you.
You've made an old lady very, very drunk.
- We'll walk you out.
- No, no, no, no, no.
We got that big pitch tomorrow.
We have to get hammered so we can have a good night's rest.
Oh, that's right.
You know how to get out, Sheila.
Same way you came in, just backwards.
You good to get home? You're gonna take an Uber, right? Oh, yeah.
This beer's giving me heartburn.
I gotta switch over to Bob Seger's diet tequila.
Yeah, me too.
Excuse me, waiter? Can we have two "Light Moves," please? Tim Cramblin? - Yes, I'm Tim Cramblin.
- Come on.
Yep, I'm Tim Cramblin, and I'm gonna take a dump in the backseat of your car.
Don't you take a dump back there, Tim Cramblin! - Oh, I'm gonna.
- Asshole! Stop trying to lower my rating! You gonna say Detroit City When we get in there, let me do the talking.
- Why? - Let me do some of the talking.
Well, yeah.
Aw, damn it! Ryan Lepchek from Doner Advertising.
We're dead.
Oh my God.
Tim! Sam.
Suck it, Lepchek! Suck it, Cramblin! Wow, pitching the Science Center, huh? It's certainly a step up for you fellas.
Step down for you.
Oh, okay.
Well, look, good luck in there, all right? And good on you guys, swinging for the fences.
Bad on you, swinging an aluminum bat to the back of your head.
Boom! You're a vegetable! Thank God we're not at the zoo.
That place stinks like shit! Detroit Zoo is a prison for animals! Nine in a row! The Science Center is another level! Yeah, man! It's the Science Center! We beat Ryan Lepchek from Doner! With a yes in the room! Uh-huh.
You want to ride it again? One more time? - Yeah, let's ride it again.
- One more time.
One more time and then we'll come back up and then do it another time after that.
It's gonna be okay, Sheila.
It took me a while to realize it was perfume and not cologne.
- I still like it.
- I think you're good to go.
Why didn't you call her a cab? - What? - Sheila, what happened? She got a DUI after your dinner last night.
Sheila, we asked you if you were gonna take an Uber, and you said yes! I don't know what Uber is! Why did you say yes? I didn't want to seem old! Oh, Sheila, you're not old.
Uh, Tommy, Sheila is old, so You know what, Sheila? We'll get you a lawyer.
We'll take care of everything.
Tommy, not the head! - Not the head, Tommy.
- Tommy.
Okay, so I've narrowed it down to two lawyers.
Do you know your rights? Because I do.
If you are weak, I will fight for you.
And if you are strong, we will fight together.
I am Joumana Kayrouz.
- I like her.
- Yeah.
Check this guy out.
Have you been injured in an accident or a slip and fall? Call me, Walt Worsch.
I'll try my best.
I got hit by a city bus, and Walt got me some of the money I asked for.
I got arrested for drunk driving.
I got found guilty and served six months.
But I could tell Walt tried as hard as he could.
He even cussed when we lost.
Call 313-Waltries.
I'm Walt Worsch, and I try my best.
He included a testimonial from a guy who lost? Yeah.
I mean, I think we gotta go with Joumana.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Look at this.
Walt Worsch has an "April in the D" video? Hey, what's up, Detroit? It's April in the D, that magical month when the Pistons, Red Wings, and the Tigers are all playing at the same time.
This is my video submission for the Fox Sports Detroit theme song contest.
Please vote for me.
Check it out.
Pistons and Tigers and Red Wings oh my It's April in the D Three Detroit sports teams playing at one time All Detroit ladies looking oh so fine He is so confident.
I meant that's how he should be in his ads, right? Ooh, you know what? If we hire him to represent Sheila, that would be a foot in the door for his business.
Uh-huh.
And if we got his business, that would be ten in a row.
Ten in a row.
It's April in the D Well, I'll do my best, guys, but I can't make any promises.
DUls are tough.
Will they take away my driver's license? I do not know.
Look, to be honest, I'm kind of a mack when it comes to dog bites.
When the officer pulled you over, did you get bit by a dog? No.
Oh, crap.
'Cause I'm kind of a mack at dog bites.
- Gentlemen, shall we go? - Oh, hold on a minute.
He didn't say he was bad at DUls.
He just said he's a mack at dog bites.
- Kind of a mack.
- Kind of a mack.
Thank you for your time, Walter.
But we really need to meet with other lawyers before we make a decision.
Now hold on, Sheila.
I mean, after all we are footing the bill here.
And I think Walter here might secretly be the best lawyer in town.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Look, Walt, we we saw your "April in the D" video.
Oh, boy.
And it's breathtaking.
- I mean, you exude confidence.
- Yeah, you ooze it.
But in your commercials you come off a little bit stiff.
- And in person.
- But we can help with that.
- That's not why we're here.
- Shh.
You see, we run a small advertising firm that's on a little bit of a hot streak.
Oh, really.
Would I know any of your clients? Um the Michigan Science Center.
- Whoa.
The Science Center? - Holy shit! What are those guys really like? They're honestly so nice.
- I knew it.
- Mm-hmm.
So what do you say, Walt? How about you let us put that rock star from that "April in the D" video in a commercial for your law firm? Ms.
Portnadi, it looks like you got yourself a lawyer.
And if we're being 100, it would help me out a ton if you get bit by a dog between now and the court date.
I'm not getting bit by a dog.
Okay, well, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't suggest it.
And really, between you and I, it's really easy.
Just wait until they're eating, and then you grab their crotch.
So yeah.
- Ten in a row! - Walt Worsch, baby! I'm Walt Worsch.
Have you been the victim of an accident or a bite? I will fight for you.
And I always try my best.
313-Waltries, I try my best That one's ours.
Excuse me, ma'am? That commercial that just played, ours! A local man is in dire need of a kidney tonight and he's not telling anyone why.
- But first, a different story.
- Excuse me.
Do you know what this meeting is about? I don't.
Oh, well, they were very vague on the phone, so Well, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
Well, you should get some desk candies that don't taste like medicine.
That is my medicine.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry I ate all your medicine.
But you know what? You shouldn't keep them on the desk like that, so really it's both of our faults, really.
Yeah, it's both your fault.
It's both your fault! Tim and Sam Get up here.
Can we get you anything? I'll take a Vernors.
Vernors.
I'll take a Vernors.
Do you have any chips? You guys enjoying your Vernors? Yeah, I just drank it too fast.
Yeah, you can't slug it too fast, or the bubbles The bubbles.
So what's this all about? You pissed because we got the Science Center? Yeah.
Looks like we swung for the fences, and your ass struck out.
We would like to buy Cramblin Duvet.
Is this a joke? 'Cause if it is a joke, I just want to say that I get it.
I get the joke, and I'm in on it also.
- And it's hilarious.
- No.
No, it's not a joke.
It's you guys are up-and-coming, okay? We want to get in on it before everyone else realizes.
At Doner, we believe if you can't beat them, you buy 'em.
What does what does this mean, exactly? - You'd own Cramblin Duvet - Correct.
Mm-hmm.
So what would we do? - We'd own Doner.
- We'd own Doner, right.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Then yeah, I'll do it.
No, no, no.
It's not a trade.
Yeah, we know.
Yeah, I know.
I'm not stupid.
Basically, you would be getting paid to do exactly what you've been doing, you would just be doing it for Doner.
And and we would keep our name? No, we would change the name.
- Team Viper.
- Excuse me? Team Viper Snake Squad.
No, no.
It would be under the umbrella of - Rowdy Boys.
- Rowdy Boys.
That's it.
- Rowdy Boys.
- Rowdy Boys.
- Yeah, we're the Rowdy Boys.
- Guys, look.
I think you'll find it's a generous buyout fee, okay? Not to mention a bump in salary, and you'd have all of Doner's resources at your disposal.
Seriously, you got something.
You made the worst lawyer in town look cool.
I don't know if he's the worst.
He's pretty bad.
My cousin got bit by a dog.
He couldn't do anything for him.
I thought he was a mack at dog bites.
That's what he said.
Guys, think about it.
Talk to your lawyer.
Sleep on it.
Well, I mean I'd rather sleep in a bed.
Not my best.
I'm a little overwhelmed, so who cares? Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
I ate her medicine.
And you should probably call a doctor for her.
Dani.
Ooh, you like her.
Next! The People vs.
Sheila Portnadi.
Miss Portnadi was pulled over on Cass Avenue, and her BAL was .
09.
Counselor.
Your Honor, I'm not here to try my worst.
All right, settle down, everybody.
Your Honor, look at my client.
Now close your eyes.
And imagine my client is not a woman, but a man.
And black.
And named Barack Obama.
Your Honor And imagine that this arresting officer is a dog, Your Honor.
Well, Your Honor, this dog bit my client.
Mr.
Worsch.
Your Honor, I'm only Trying my best 16 hours community service.
And Ms.
Portnadi, in the future, take a cab, or get a better lawyer.
Next.
16 hours of community service.
Ah, Sheila.
It won't be that bad.
It'll just be mowing the median on 75.
Whoa, Walt, she's pretty old.
Yeah, well, it's the best I could do.
Hey, Walt, while we have you, can we get your legal advice on something? Yeah, can you take a look at this contract? It's an offer to buy the company, Who offered to buy the company? Ryan Lepchek from Doner.
- When did this happen? - Earlier today.
What do you think, Walt? Doner has way more money and way smarter people than you.
So if this deal is good on their end, it's probably bad on your end.
Oh, well, couldn't it be a good deal for both of us? Are they smarter or are you smarter? They're smarter, sir.
Then, no.
Hey, you know what? Let's make this a working lunch.
How about Zoup, you two? - Ooh.
- Yeah.
Sheila, good luck on 75.
Bring a hat, because it gets so hot out there.
The testimonials aren't working.
I can't find any cool kids here.
How about that guy? Ugh.
I wouldn't jerk that guy off with Freddy Krueger's hand.
You just like come up with that? Was that a joke? - Yeah.
- Like a prepared joke? - I just thought of it.
- Nobody just talks like that.
Nobody talks like that, and plus it doesn't even make sense.
Like Freddy Krueger's hand, like, the palm is still good.
Yeah, the palm does all the jerking off.
Enough.
Well, you got to find somebody.
We told them we'd find testimonials of people saying science is cool.
And it's not gonna be convincing coming from a dork.
Is it true you guys are selling the company? Well, we'll let you know when we've made a decision.
Thank you very much, Lea.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
I just don't think there's any amount of money that would allow me to take my dad's name off the wall.
It's been there for 50 years.
Well, we say we want to return the company to its former glory.
- This would do that.
- Tommy's freaking out.
Why, what's up? He keeps saying how none of this is in the Bible.
Get the edge, Portnadi! What is wrong with your head? Get the edge! They not gonna hit you! Get the edge! I'm scared! Oh, you're scared-scared, huh? You should've thought about that before you drove drunk-drunk.
Get that edge! Get that mower on that edge! Okay, now this is a work in progress.
Unless, of course, you like it.
Yeah, if you like it, it can be the finished product.
Yeah.
Come on down to the Michigan Science Center, where science is cool.
This is fun, and I'm not even a nerd! The word dork actually means whale penis.
So I'm definitely not a dork.
Do I look like a whale penis? We're not dorks! Would a dork do this? - And even if you are a dork - I'm not a dork! The Michigan Science Center is a bully-free zone.
Our security guards are former bullies themselves.
So they know what to look for.
Hey, watch out.
I want to do it.
Hey, get your hands off me! Visit today! It's not just for dorks and nerds anymore! I thought you said you were gonna get real testimonials.
We couldn't get any good ones.
Yeah, besides, these actors seem very real.
No, they don't.
And not to mention you portrayed a Science Center employee hitting a child.
A child bully.
It's a very important distinction.
Maybe we need to start looking for a different firm.
No, don't do that in front of us.
I told you this is a work in progress.
Look, Cramblin Duvet is as professional as any big firm.
How about we set up a meeting for next week? Sheila, can you come in here? We'll have a whole new concept for you.
Are you sure you're capable of delivering a Science Center worthy ad? No, they can't.
These two guys are pieces of shit.
What? I can assure you that we are not.
She just got a DUI.
Guys, look, going with you guys was kind of just an experiment on our part.
We just wanted to try something fun and kitschy, but let's just face it, okay? We're the Science Center, and, frankly, you're not.
That is devastating.
We're sorry we hired you a terrible lawyer.
We wanted his business, and we were assholes.
Please forgive us.
You were raging assholes.
And you want to know what really pisses me off? I worked for this company for 50 years, and you never once asked me what I thought about you selling it.
When Big Hank left, I was the only employee who stuck with you.
Now you just treat me like some old lady you have to deal with.
You're right.
We're two idiots who you call gentlemen every day.
You mean the world to us, Sheila.
And we'll do whatever it takes to show you what you mean to the company.
Make me a partner.
A partner? - No! - What are you talking about? - Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, I apologize.
- We weren't expecting that.
We got a little overwhelmed.
Yeah, you really had that locked and loaded, didn't you? I have given it a lot of thought.
- We'll make you a partner.
- Silent partner.
And I'll be involved with all the major decisions? Starting with the big one.
We've thought long and hard about your offer.
Yes, and this is the amount that we are willing to sell our company for.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's good.
Here you go.
Okay, I'll give it to you.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Don't act like it hurt, you idiot.
That's good.
There we go.
What is this? That is a middle finger, butt-munch.
Thank you for the offer and everything.
But it's a respectful no.
That felt good.
Nice work, partner.
You good to drive? Oh, yeah.
Sheila! Could you come in here for a second, please? Sheila, years ago, you did some work for this company that went uncredited and we would like to fix that.
Here's the check you should have been paid 40 years ago.
Inflation not included.
Oh, thank you, gentlemen.
How do I cash it? No, you don't.
It's, uh ceremonial.
Do I take the whole thing to the bank? No, Sheila, don't cash it.
It's for you to have.
- Just put it on a wall so - Oh! And we have another surprise for you! I found Tim and Sam's April D video.
And it really sucks! There's no way it sucks.
April in the D.
April in the D.
3 Ds.
What are you laughing at? Sorry it's not Bing Crosby.
One dream.
3 teams.
3 beats.
One dream.