Dharma & Greg s02e01 Episode Script

- Honey? - Yep? Would you mind getting me that box of rice? - This one? - No, the one on the bottom.
- Sure.
- Oh, yeah, baby.
Get the rice.
Would you quit that? Can't hep it.
Your butt looks really good today.
- You think? - You're having a good butt day.
So I should keep parting it in the middle? Clean-up on Aisle 6.
Dharma, that's code.
They mean us.
Don't be siy.
Would the couple on Aisle 6 please clean it up? See? Code.
- I wonder what price check really means.
- Don't know.
Price check.
- Hey, Dharma.
- Hey.
Look at you.
Greg, ook at how big she's gotten.
Oh, it's hard to beieve.
Do we know her? - Honey, it's Donna from the express ane.
- Oh, express lane Donna.
So you and Jimmy must be getting pretty excited, huh? I guess.
What's wrong? Jimmy left.
What? What happened? He told me that he was being transferred to New Zealand.
But I saw him yesterday at 7-Eleven.
What did he say? He pretended he wasn't him.
I hate it when guys do that.
What guys do that? - Honey, we're here to be supportive.
- I thought we were here to shop.
You just let it out.
Come, come, come.
This lane is closed.
She can't do that.
Hey, 've seen her cose an interstate so ducks can cross.
Oh, don't know what to do.
Can't raise this baby by mysef.
Can't your parents hep you? Dharma, you know my parents.
Yeah, right.
You know her parents? Honey, she is our checkout girl.
Think ' have to give this baby up for adoption.
'M just not ready to do this aone.
But, Donna, you are not alone.
You have me and Greg.
Thanks, but it's not the same thing.
I want this baby to have two parents.
You know, a mother and a father, like you guys.
Hey, maybe you could adopt my baby.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Okay, she's nice and comfy.
That's because our bed is nice and comfy.
Greg, you can't expect a pregnant woman to sleep on a ratty old air mattress.
No, I expect her to sleep in her home.
That's my itte system for the word.
At the end of the day, everyone returns to their own home.
Come on, it' be fun.
T's just ike camping.
Yes, except we're not outside, and you vounteered us to adopt a stranger's baby.
Donna is not a stranger.
She is our checkout girl.
Dharma, I understand when you go to the supermarket you might pick up an impulse item.
Gum, nail clippers, a horoscope if you're feeing nutty.
But come on, not a baby.
You know what? You might be right.
Let's get some seep and talk about it in the morning.
Fine.
But reay don't think - In the morning.
- Okay.
But I still We're not gonna sove this now, so et's just give it some time.
Dharma, this is a huge decision.
- We should both agree on it.
- Of course.
So if I give it time, and I still Forget about it for now.
Let's pretend that we're camping in the Redwoods making love under the harvest moon.
Oh, man, I gotta pee.
Next to a big waterfall.
So is this checkout girl cute? What's that got to do with it? We, if she's not seeing that guy anymore maybe you could introduce me.
Pete, she's having a baby.
Yeah, but she's giving it to you.
No, she's not.
How long after they have the kid do they keep making milk? Seek professional help.
You are ill.
- That was about the - Hello.
- Hi, you're here.
Come on in.
- Hi.
Yeah, sorry we're ate.
- Strong headwind on the bridge.
- You biked here? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
We, we, we We Yeah, we don't wanna participate in the fossil fuel addiction foisted upon us by multinational corporations.
Yeah.
And, and, and And so from now on, we will use the energy of our bodies to transport us instead of exploiting the planet we live on.
And what planet would that be, Larry? What was so important that we coudn't tak over the phone? Dharma and I are having a problem, and I could really use your help.
Is it about sex? No, no, no.
Because Dharma understands when you're tired.
Good.
No, this is about a baby.
- You're having a baby.
- No, no, we're not having a baby.
There's a gir who works at our supermarket and she's pregnant, and Dharma wants us to adopt her baby.
- The girl who works at your supermarket? - Yes.
- Do you know her? - No, not at all.
Like, just taking a stranger's baby into your home and raising it as your own.
I know.
Greg, it's your first random act of kindness.
We're so proud of you.
Oh, man.
So do you think being adopted had a negative effect on you? Heck, no.
I turned out fine.
Get out of this fish, you stupid bracelet! - Hey.
- Hey.
Daddy's home.
Yeah.
Where's Dharma? Wasn't feeing so good so she took over my shift at the supermarket.
She's working as a checkout gir? We, what's wrong with being a checkout girl? No, nothing.
Then how come you went to lawyer school instead of checkout-girl school? - No.
- I just - No, 'm sorry.
'M sorry.
T's my faut.
'm just - 'm a horribe person.
- No, Donna, you're not.
- T's just - Do we have any cookies? - ' Go get you some.
- Thank you.
And don't cheap out.
Get Pepperidge Farm.
Man, I think this is the wrong fish.
Bacon? Really? Don't you ove yoursef? 'M not sure.
I love bacon.
Te you what 'm gonna do.
'M just gonna set this bacon aside.
And I want you to think about if you really want to eat it.
- But I like - Just think about it.
- Dharma, what are you doing? - Helping people.
Processed cheese food? - I should think about it? - That's my boy.
Dharma, we need to talk.
No problem.
I got a six-minute break in two hours.
We need to talk now.
Then you're gonna have to bag.
Paper or plastic? - Plastic.
- Really? - Paper? - Up to you.
- So, what's going on? - I wanna talk about the baby.
- The idea's grown on you, hasn't it? - No, it hasn't.
'Ve thought about it, 've sept on it, and reay don't think it's a good idea.
You didn't seep on it.
You tossed and turned all night.
I was thinking about it.
- Then you need a good night's seep.
- But can't.
- We, then you shoudn't make a decision.
- No.
The answer is no.
"The answer is no?" 'M sorry, Dharma, but you can't hep every human being on the planet.
But you can help the ones that are right in front of you.
We should put her in touch with one of those organizations that are set up to handle this thing.
- How can you be so cold? - How can you be so irrational? So it's suddeny irrationa to wanna adopt your supermarket checkout gir's baby? Yes.
How can? Greg, l - Don't you "bup-bup" me.
- But you "bup-bup" me.
- Excuse me! - What? 'Ve thought about it, and don't want the bacon.
- But I do want the cheese.
- Fine! - 'M out of here.
- Goodbye.
- 'D ike a pack of cigarettes.
- I am this close to giving up on you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go? Well, I kind of got fired.
Why? Well, three people in a row bought veal, and just coudn't stop crying.
- Where's Greg? - Don't know.
- He never came back here? - No.
- Oh, man.
- What's wrong? Okay, listen, Donna.
I know I said that we'd adopt your baby.
But I messed up, and I really should have talked to Greg first.
He doesn't want the baby? 'M sorry.
T's just Greg's a panner.
Mean, he won't even get on a pane without knowing where it's going.
- Damn.
- I know it's ike how do you go on vacation? Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it! You're angry.
Come on, just feel the feeling.
I think this is it.
Labor? Oh, God, this is great.
Okay, take a deep breath.
Good.
- Hi.
- Honey, you're just in time.
Donna's having her baby.
Okay.
Let's not panic.
No one's panicking, Greg.
Good, we shoudn't do that.
No need for it.
Let's just We' get her things, and we' go to the hospita.
- Why? She's not sick.
- Dharma, people have babies in hospitals.
Yeah, know.
Sn't it horribe? - Greg, would you call Abby? - Why? She's a midwife.
Uness you think that you and I could handle it alone? Oh, no, no, no.
You're not gonna do one of those home-birth things.
We, we don't exacty have time to get her into the woods now, do we? 'M caing.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Heo.
Abby, hi, it's Greg.
No, didn't see it.
No, 'm sure it was a bitchen sunset.
No, listen, Abby.
You gotta get over here.
Donna's having a baby Hang on.
Heo.
Dad, can't tak right now.
I gotta get Abby over here.
Donna's having the baby.
Abby, how soon can you get here? Don't worry.
We' be there just as fast as our little legs can pedal.
- Pedal? No.
Abby, don't take the bikes.
Please drive.
No, Edward, tell me exactly what he said.
He said he had to get Abby over there because Donna is having a baby.
Oh, Edward, Donna.
Who is Donna? - Don't know.
- T's Dharma.
Dharma is pregnant.
Oh, don't you ever isten? No, no, 'm sure he said something Oh, I told you.
I told you this would happen.
I told you that one day we would lose our son to those people.
Now look.
Our first grandchild is on the way and they are celebrating without us.
Come on.
Oh, Donna.
I Come on, come on, come on.
- How's it going up there? - You know your favorite pillow? - Don't have a favorite piow.
- Good.
- I need a hammer.
- A what? - A hammer.
- A hammer? Oh, honey, why don't you just wait for your mother? Donna needs crushed ice.
Listen, Greg I talked to Donna and I told her that we can't adopt the baby.
'M reay sorry that I put you on the spot.
It was totally unfair.
Oh, well, thanks.
You've a right to fee the way you do.
Shoudn't have forced you into it.
No, that's okay.
I just have to remember - that you and I do things differently.
That's true.
Dharma, I have a friend from law school who specializes in adoptions.
'M sure he can find a terrific coupe to adopt the baby.
Greg, that's great.
Hey, that's my charm braceet.
I thought I lent that to Jane.
That's weird.
Dharma, thanks for understanding.
'M sorry was so about it.
We, mean, you can't make a decision that's gonna change your ife on the spur of the moment.
I did when I met you.
Yeah, but that's different - Ice! - Gotta go.
- Is there anything I can do? - Just answer the door.
- How'd you do that? - I heard the elevator.
- Hope that's your mother.
- No, it's your mother.
Gregory, it's your mother.
Don't know.
That was just totally freaky.
- Hello, hello.
- What are you doing here? Don't you have something you want to tell me? Stop by anytime.
No need to call.
Gregory, when were you planning to tell us about this baby? That? Don't know.
Why would you even care? Oh, Edward, do you hear what your son is saying? Don't know.
You te me.
Oh, mama, that was a big one.
What is going on up there? What do you think? A woman's having a baby.
How long were we in Europe? Gregory, this is not making any sense whatsoever.
T's reay very simpe.
Our checkout girl, Donna, is having a baby, we're heping her.
- 'M sorry, what was that name? - Donna.
- Donna.
- Oh, bully for you, Edward.
- Okay.
- Oh, thank God you're here.
Nob Hill.
Very, very, very Bumpy.
Busy, bumpy Steep.
- Here, I got a good one.
- Edward, Edward, this is not the time.
How far apart are the contractions? - Don't know.
She's upstairs.
- Okay.
We, et's get to work.
Hi, Kitty.
Come on, you can help.
You're not taking this gir to a hospita? - Why? She's not sick.
- Mother, maybe you can give her a hand.
Don't know anything about chidbirth.
- What do you mean? You had me.
- Oh, Gregory, don't be vugar.
T's baby time.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hello.
Donna.
- Where are they taking her? - In the bathtub.
- I beg your pardon? - People have babies in bathtubs.
I like to read in there until I get prune-y.
Edward, we're surrounded.
Don't abandon me now.
Oh, cramp.
Cramp.
Cramp.
Cramp.
Larry.
Larry, that is very annoying.
The bell in general or just this song? Edward, don't beieve etiquette requires we be present at the birth of a child whose mother works in our daughter-in-aw's supermarket.
- We can see the baby.
- Push.
- It looks just like this: - Push, two, three, four, come on.
Hey, Greg, don't you wanna get in there and see your child being born? Your child? What are you talking about? Dharma and Greg are adopting Donna's baby.
The baby's ooking at me, Mama.
Heads up, head's out.
'M the photographer.
You are going to adopt that gir's baby? Donna.
We thought about it, but we decided not to.
Well, thank God.
- This was Dharma's idea, wasn't it? - Yeah.
Well, sort of.
At least you have some sense, Gregory.
That girl would take in every stray cat if it weren't for you.
- T's not a cat, Mother, it's a chid.
- Of course, of course.
But there are organizations that help girls when they get into this condition.
- That's what tod her.
- Good.
As a matter of fact, I am hosting a benefit for unwed mothers next month.
A wine-tasting cruise.
Think it's gonna be a lot of fun.
Everybody's dressing as wenches and pirates.
There's something to be said for getting in there and helping someone who's right in front of you.
Oh, for God's sakes, Gregory, that's what nuns are for.
Believe me, you did the right thing.
You don't make a decision on the spur of the moment that' turn your ife upside-down.
I did when I met Dharma.
We've got a big, heathy baby boy.
Five, five, five, five and one.
Dharma, wait.
- What? - I changed my mind.
I want us to adopt the baby.
What? - Really? - Yes, really.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
I want to do this.
I love you.
Hey, you guys, we're gonna do it.
We're gonna adopt the baby.
Dharma, that's wonderfu.
No, no, no.
We decided on the wine-tasting cruise, didn't we? We changed our mind.
Come on, everybody.
Meet the newest member of our family.
That's a back chid.
Abby, I hate this.
Saving the planet was your idea, Larry.
- We' give up the washing machine.
- No.
And let go of my fender.
Can't peda anymore.
You can't just stay on the bridge.
You're right.
' Wait here.
You ride home and get the van.
Yeah.
You wait right here, Larry.
Abby? You're coming back, right? Abby?