Die Hart (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

1
["MOVE ON UP" BY CURTIS MAYFIELD PLAYS]
Hush, now child ♪
[KEVIN] I mean, I'm
30,000 feet in the air, right?
They're saying, "Kevin, come on, please.
"Kevin, you got to put on a parachute."
Everybody's going, "Please, please Kev."
This point, they're begging me.
Well, tell me that the story ends
with you wearing the parachute.
- Absolutely fucking not. No.
- [DEB LAUGHING]
No, no. I wanted to be authentic, right?
- It's got to be real.
- Yeah.
You know what Tom
Cruise calls parachutes?
Diapers.
Is that because they fill
up when you're falling?
No. Tom told me, he said,
"Kevin, if they put me in a parachute,
"they might as well put a diaper on me
"and send me to pasture."
Look, Kevin
You know, based on the
success of the first one,
we see massive franchise potential
with The Jeffersons.
And, you know, your
agent just keeps saying
that you might be
waffling on doing a sequel.
And I'm just here to ask,
is it about the money?
Look, Deb, The Jeffersons
is amazing, right?
We did amazing work
there, but I'll be honest,
when I walk on that set,
I feel like I'm being babysat.
I mean, they give me
goddamn stunt coordinators.
I have I have stage managers,
uh, wires, green screens.
Yes. And-and somehow you still manage
to jump out of an
airplane without a chute.
I wasn't telling the truth
when I told you that,
but I forgot to say I was lying, so
Let's take a pause, right?
Put a pin in that
so you understand that wasn't the truth.
I had to make that up.
It was pretending.
But you know why I got to pretend?
Because I'm not a real action star, Deb.
Kevin, you took a
sitcom about a dry cleaner
and you turned him into
motherfucking Jason Bourne, okay?
You are a real action star.
No, not yet.
- Not yet?
- [KEVIN] No.
But I will be when you
fund my next project.
Okay.
Deb, now look, what
I'm about to tell you
is gonna seem crazy at
first, but I promise you,
if you give it a chance, you'll get it.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
Deb, I want you to picture yourself
going up a mountain.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[SCREAMING]
[MAN] On the ground,
let's go, come on, come on!
[GRUNTS]
All right, you rich assholes!
- [GUNSHOTS]
- [CLAMORING]
[MAN] Move it! Rolexes, jewelry,
all your fancy shit!
What is taking so long?
Put it in the bag. Let's go.
Just stay calm. Stay calm.
[MAN] Everything shiny. Let's go.
[GUNSHOTS]
Put it in the bag. Let's go.
[KEVIN] They're coming this way.
[GUNSHOTS]
I don't have all day here.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Trying to hide, little man?
The fuck did you just call me?
Bet you got a big wallet
for such a little man.
Now put it in the bag!
You want my wallet?
Huh?
Get back, I got this.
You got what?
[KEVIN BREATHING HEAVILY]
I want your gun! [GRUNTS] Shit.
You believe this fucking clown?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[KEVIN] Give me your gun and sit down.
Whoa.
What, you're gonna be
the first man in history
to shoot somebody with the safety on?
- What?
- Huh?
[GRUNTING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
I don't like guns.
Ah, shit.
- [KEVIN GROANS]
- [DEB GASPS]
- [MAN] No, cut him out.
- [GUNMAN] Goddammit. Shit.
[GROANS]
[BOTH GROANING]
Nice to beef you,
motherfucker.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Hey, it's not about me, it's about you.
I'm glad that everybody's safe.
It's a crazy world that we're living in.
- A lot of nut jobs out here.
- Oh, Kevin
Kevin, what just happened?
Real goddamn action.
- That's what just happened.
- Okay.
Real fucking action.
That's the adrenaline that I want
audiences across the globe to feel, Deb.
So this this is was all staged?
Yeah. All of it, they're actors.
I just wanna give you
a little taste of what
- our movie was about, right?
- [DEB] Oh, my God.
This is the movie that we're gonna make.
So what I did was I
brought an outline, right?
A little rough outline
to give you a little idea
about what we're gonna do.
- [DEB] Oh, boy.
- [KEVIN] Right?
The world of our movie
lives in improvised action,
and spontaneous ass-whoopings.
That's what this is about.
That guy spontaneously
hit you with a gun.
[KEVIN] You talking about Larry?
Larry, hey, you got me good.
I'm gonna feel that one.
Yeah, you are.
You're goddamn right. Fucking Larry.
You're not well.
Oh, no, you're not well.
[KEVIN] This is about
me getting the respect
that I deserve as an action star, Deb.
[DEB CHUCKLES]
What is it that you want me to say here?
What do I want you to
say, Deb? I want you to say,
"I'll do it."
My answer is no.
Never. This-this is
never going to happen.
Not at my studio or anyone else's.
- No.
- Please.
- No.
- Can you just give it a
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Can you just give it a
Deb, can you just
Can you just please
give it a give it a read?
- [DEB] Oh.
- Okay? Here.
- [DEB CHUCKLING]
- [KEVIN] There you go.
That's all that's all I want.
Can you just
I'll read it.
We did it!
- Yeah!
- [APPLAUSE]
[MOUTHING]
[CAR HORN HONKING]
Hello, Mr. Green Light.
She loved it, right?
I told you she was gonna love it.
What's the budget she
gave you? $300 million?
$400 $500 million for this?
Just drive.
I am so sorry. Kevin, that's not
That is not fair. You
are a king, and this town
doesn't deserve you. Do you hear me?
You are a king. You are my king.
Praise, praise.
Wait a second. Is that her right there?
Is that her, the one
throwing away the script?
Is that her right there?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me, ma'am, in the red jacket.
How are you?
Kevin Darnell Hart
is a national treasure.
- A national
- Just drive the car.
[ANDRE] We're gonna drive the car,
- but honestly
- [KEVIN] Andre.
get your shit together.
Nice to meet you.
- Drive the fucking car, Andre!
- [CAR HONKING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[ANDRE] Today is gonna be
the most amazing day
of your life. Your paper.
You say the same thing every day, Andre,
and every day you're wrong.
Oh, well, come on. You're just cranky
because you haven't had
your tofu tahini smoothie.
I'll get that for you right
now. Sophie, his TT.
I really hate that you call it that.
- [SOPHIE] Here you go.
- There we go.
- Big gulps. There you go.
- [SLURPING]
[CLEARS THROAT] No, I'm cranky
because the movie of my
dreams just flamed, okay?
Now I don't know what
I'm gonna do with my life.
Well, I mean, come on,
man. You still have us.
That's amazing, right? You have us.
The hell does that mean? Who?
Hannah, Sophie, me, your
man, TJ, right over here.
I'm talking about your village.
I know what you need.
I know what you need.
A massage.
Nina, you all set up
with the new hot stones?
I can be in about ten minutes.
She can be in about ten minutes.
Kevin, the crew are
ready whenever you are.
Yeah, I'm ready.
[ANDRE] You got this!
[KEVIN] Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.
Oh, God. How you doing?
Good, great. Kev
Now just pretend you're
biking through the Swiss Alps.
We'll CG the Alps in later.
What is that?
I'm on foot though.
I need a bike, right?
We'll CG that in too. Action!
- [KEVIN] You just want me to
- [DIRECTOR] Just go for it.
Act like I'm riding a bike?
Exactly.
[ANDRE] Straight arms.
Kevin, look at this.
[KEVIN] Hey, man, not No.
I can't I can't do this shit.
I can't. I I cannot
do this shit anymore.
All right, I'm tired of the CGI
and the goddamn green screens,
all this fake shit.
No, uh
[KEVIN] I want real fucking action.
[ANDRE] Kevin, no.
[PAPER CRUMBLING]
Nina, what's the ETA
on those hot stones?
[SCREAMS]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[NEWS REPORTER] It
appears A-list actor Kevin Hart
is back in the news again.
Star of the high octane
reboot of The Jeffersons,
Hart has spent his own money
destroying a high-end
Hollywood restaurant
in an attempt to woo a studio boss
into financing what he refers to
as a cinema verite-style action film.
This comes just a year
after the actor famously fired
his longtime stuntman Doug Eubanks,
in the middle of production.
The decision that left
insiders dumbfounded.
- Bring me this man.
- [REPORTER CONTINUES SPEAKING]
Bring me this
Kevin Hart.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIRENS DISTANTLY]
[KEVIN] Wow. This is big, man.
No, like, this is really big.
Andre, I don't think you understand.
I cast my dream out into
the universe and guess what?
Karl Stromberg comes running.
Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.
But I got to say,
boss, I I don't like it.
I mean, you don't even
know this guy, right?
I tried to look him up and
nothing came up on Google.
Duh. It's because he's European.
They got their own Google.
Everybody knows that, all right?
Listen, the guy's loaded,
got tons of money.
And if his desire
is to make my movie,
then so be it, I'm good.
I can't do it, boss.
I am so sorry. I can't do it.
My job is to look out
for your best interest,
- and I don't really think that
- Uh, what did you just say?
It's my job to look out for your
It is not your job. As a matter of fact,
that's the complete
opposite of your job.
You know who looks out for me, Andre?
Me. That's who looks
out for me. Me. Okay?
- You know what? Pull over.
- What?
Pull over. I'm driving myself.
- I don't want you to drive.
- No. Kevin, no, no, no, no, no.
- No.
- Kevin, you can't drive your
- Yeah, I can. I do not need you.
- You need me. You need me.
Correction [SCOFFS] I don't need you.
I didn't need my stuntman.
I damn sure don't need an assistant
telling me how to
live my life. Pull over.
[HORN HONKING]
Don't don't hold the
wheel in the middle.
[KEVIN] Shut up, Andre.
I said shut up.
- I'm Yeah.
- [KEVIN] I know how to drive.
We know. We all know.
He knows how to drive a car. We know.
But let's say you put your
hand down, you pop it in D.
- [KEVIN] Pop it in first.
- No, that's reverse. Whoa.
You know what? Why don't I help you out?
I'll get in there.
I'll start her up. I'll roll out.
Everybody will think it was you.
- [KEVIN] I don't want your help.
- Okay, good.
- Good, good, good, good, good.
- Yeah, smooth. Very smooth.
- You're leaving.
- [KEVIN] Yeah. Fuck off.
I'll drive all the way home.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SIGHS]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNIFFS]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
So, Karl Karl, what is it, uh,
what is it that you
do for a living, man?
I made my fortune
mining precious metals.
[KEVIN] Mmm.
Now I finance films,
primarily in the Balkans,
once in North Korea.
It's probably hard to get
permits over there, huh?
Permits are for cowards.
Your outline
Is dangerous.
It's violent.
It's almost no narrative
that makes sense
to a regular human being.
I am not a regular human being. No.
I am Karl Stromberg.
Yeah.
And that is why
I will finance this film for you.
What did you just say to me?
You're telling me that you're going
finance my goddamn movie?
Huh?
[KEVIN CHUCKLES]
Dude, you just made my day, man.
And I don't have to do my pitch,
because my pitch is expensive.
I ain't wanna break all
this glass stuff in here
because I know I got to pay for it.
Dude, you I was
in a dark place, Karl.
I was in a real dark place, man.
You just pulled me out of a dark place.
It's because people underestimate you.
Yeah.
When you left comedy for the action,
they said you'd fail.
They did?
When you fired your stuntman
to do your own stunts,
- they said you would fail.
- You heard about that?
[KARL] Everyone heard about that.
It's only you and Tom Cruise
who do your own stunts now.
That's that's a fact.
Two peas in a pod, man.
What's going on? What you doing?
This film, Kevin,
will put you
in your own category.
[SCOFFS]
One pea
In one pod.
Yes, right. That's right.
One pea, one pod.
Hell yeah.
That's what it's supposed to be, Karl.
You know what, man?
I know we just met, but
I feel like I've known you
for a long time because you get me.
I'm so sick of this
This CG and this green screen shit.
So what'd you think of the
story, Karl, about me getting
No one watches movies for the story.
[KEVIN] Yeah.
They'll watch it for the action
And the nudity.
I don't really
I don't really have
any dick in my script.
But if you want something,
you feel like people wanna see dick,
I can add some dick.
- [KARL] Mmm.
- I can I'm I'm not afraid
to go full frontal. I'll do it. Right?
If that's what the people want.
My biggest thing
though is the action, man.
I just don't I don't
wanna see it coming, right?
- I wanna be caught off guard.
- You will shit your pants.
What are you talking about?
We will have to change your pants,
forget about the old times,
for when you shit your pants.
[INHALES SHARPLY] 'Cause I'm scared?
- [KARL] You will shit.
- I I will shit.
- You will shit
- Yeah.
- your pants.
- I'll shit my goddamn pants.
You will shit!
- [KEVIN] I wanna shit.
- You will shit.
- All right. I wanna shit.
- You wanna shit?
Yeah, I will shit.
You shit your pants!
I'm ready to shit my pants, Karl!
I wanna shit my pants!
Right now!
When when do we start, so I can shit?
[KARL] We already have.
There's a camera
hidden right behind you.
Oh [CHUCKLES] I think I see it.
The little, the black, the um,
space with the black, right?
[DART SHOOTING]
[THUDS]