Disenchantment (2018) s02e01 Episode Script
Subterranean Homesick Blues
1
[opening theme music playing.]
[man.]
Hey! - [Trøgs.]
Welcome, friends.
- [both screaming.]
Ah, they're still here.
[both screaming.]
[music box creaking and winding.]
[creepy melody playing.]
What, no hug? I'm waiting.
Come on, Bean.
Who can resist a creepy mom hug? [both.]
Shut up, Luci.
Oh, Bean! I've missed you! Well, I'm not gonna miss you, Mom.
[grunting.]
[whispering.]
Is this the mother you're always talking about? She's not an ugly, evil bitch.
But she is sluttier than I imagined.
Oh.
Hello, Elfo.
Last time I saw you, you were a lot more dead.
[rumbling.]
We can't have that moonhole.
[Trøgs.]
Moon.
- Moon.
- Silence! Seal team six, seal the hole! [all grunt.]
[blows horn.]
[rhythmic grunting.]
Too slow.
[all grunting.]
What are you doing here, Mom? Why can't you just leave me alone? Is your life so awful you have to keep wrecking mine? I just saved you, dear.
Now, would you like me to answer those other questions or did you just need to get it out of your system? You know what? Forget it.
I just want to get out of here.
Darling, nothing's keeping you.
Yeah, nothing except your freaky little molemen.
We're not freaky little molemen.
We're beautiful, bug-eyed Trøgs.
Trøgs, the "o" has a slash through it.
Those are molemen.
How ya doin'? 'Sup, tater dude? Let her go.
You're free to leave anytime you want.
I want now.
Uh, let's do now.
Ow! [Dagmar.]
Remember, darling, if you show your face in Dreamland⦠[echoing.]
â¦they'll kill you.
[echoing.]
[chuckles.]
[Dagmar.]
And you'll never find your way out without my help.
[echoing.]
Sorry about the echo.
[echoing.]
I know it's creepy.
[Trøgs.]
Welcome back, friends.
- [Luci grunts.]
- That's for calling me "tater dude.
" Who's gonna be accused of being a witch next, Daddy? I'm thinking the lady next door who has that little chihuahua.
- The one that never stops barking? - That's the one, son.
That's the one.
An excellent spectacle, Your Majesty.
You were a model of regal barbarism.
Two scoops of melted ice cream for you tonight.
I can't believe I killed my big sister.
Yeesh, I haven't seen him this upset since we burned his birthday clown.
[sighs.]
Being king is hard.
- I need some advice.
- We're your advisors.
- No, I want to talk to my father.
- I wouldn't advise that.
Hey, what's Derek doin' down there with Odval, huh? And the Archdruidess? And my crown? Something's goin' on.
Like any two numbers, this don't add up.
[groans.]
My wound.
[Archdruidess chuckles.]
Settle an argument, Pendergast.
I say we murder Zøg now, but Odval here thinks he's about to die on his own.
You're a bloodthirsty bastard.
What do you say? I'm no decision-maker, I'm an action-taker.
And a pudding-maker.
I make wonderful pudding.
[Odval.]
Shush.
Let's see how he's doing.
[Zøg gasps and grunts.]
[breathing heavily.]
[groaning.]
I'm dyin' over here.
Ugh! The royal blob's still alive.
Oh, I wanted to gloat directly over our victim's corpse.
- There's nothing more satisfying.
- Or arousing.
No worries.
From the sound of it, he'll soon be as dead as his daughter.
- [groaning.]
What? You⦠- [Odval.]
See? There's his death-mutter.
[groaning.]
You'll rue the day you messed with my daughter⦠I don't have time for muttering.
Hand me a murder stick.
Now, now.
We mustn't risk our immortal souls by killing him.
Souls? [scoffs.]
- But you're the leader of the church.
- Church, shmurch.
[Zøg groaning.]
For a dying man, he's making a lot of noise.
I wonder if he's recovering.
Oh, dear.
The people mustn't see that or they'll restore him to the throne.
Pendergast, stay here and make sure Zøg never leaves this room.
- Can I order in? - You'll have to.
And if he tries to leave, - hack him into little pieces.
- [grunts.]
[Dagmar.]
Ladies and whatevers, thank you all for attending this mandatory midnight supper.
I can hear someone eating.
Yeah.
No, you.
Just put the spork down.
- [metal clangs.]
- Thank you.
Let's give a big Trøgtown welcome to our I can still hear it! Let's give a big Trøgtown welcome to our guest of honor, my beautiful daughter, Princess Tiabeanie! [clears throat.]
- And⦠- And two little nobodies.
[clapping stops.]
And now that we are finally reunited as queen and princess, the last of the prophets and the fulfillment of the prophecy, my greatest desire is to put that all aside.
[Trøg.]
What? And focus on what's most important, the reunion of mother and child.
Bean, I've missed you so much.
[Trøgs.]
Aw⦠[Trøgs clapping.]
- I know we've had our differences.
- We tried to kill each other.
But now is the time to put the future aside and make up for the past.
I rescued you for a reason.
And it has everything to do with what's in here.
Her thorax.
We have time now.
World domination can wait.
Here's to love! [Trøgs slurp.]
Wow, Mom, I don't know if you mean any of that, but I'll toast to you not trying to screw that crown on my head.
- Oh, that old thing.
- [clangs.]
[Dagmar slurps.]
[grunts.]
Nothing like being burned at the stake to work up an appetite.
- [yelps.]
- No, no, no.
Here, in Trøgtown, your kind gets table scraps.
You realize I'm not a talking cat, right? I'm a talking demon.
Oh, we know.
We live one floor up from Hell.
You guys are terrible neighbors and you cook all that smelly cabbage.
Those are children! Mind if I squeeze in? Oh, sorry, there's not a ton of⦠- [grunts.]
- Oh, okay.
[chuckles.]
Ooh, look at you.
You're not like the other guys.
Your giant head-holes are relatively tiny.
Finally.
Someone gets it.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, um, that's kinda what I was going for.
[both chuckle.]
Hi, I'm Trixy.
Hi, there, Trixy.
The name's O.
Elf-o.
[both laughing.]
[clears throat.]
I've never gotten such attention from women.
I don't know how to handle it.
Oh, wow.
- What is all this stuff? - Anchovies with vinegar and mustard.
[gasps.]
Salty, sour and slimy? It's like the holy trinity of savory! Mmm! [chomping.]
- Um, don't you guys eat? - Oh, we have our own special diet.
Cave juice.
- [Elfo.]
Cave juice? - [seductively.]
Mmm.
Got it.
Okay.
Glad we cleared that up.
[both chuckle.]
Freak.
[slurps and chomps.]
Freak.
Sire? I don't know if you can hear me, and there's a ton of blood in your ears, but, uh, I just wanted to say, I never knew my father because he died serving your father in that battle over the canal we don't use anymore.
But I always had you to look up to.
And when you pushed me into battle, I went.
Not because you're my king, but because I knew you'd be right there fighting behind me.
Remember when we had a victory dinner after that battle, and you went into a drunken rage and you gouged my eyeball out? Fun fact, people thought it was a fork you threw, but it was actually a spoon that you threw so hard, at such a velocity, that it just⦠[whooshes.]
â¦melon scooped my eye right outta there.
Down to the bone, sir.
Impressive.
You are a true warrior.
And no matter what people say, sire, I know you're a good man.
- What happened to your appetite? - I'm allergic to pandering.
I remember you used to eat everything in sight with those teeth.
[chuckles.]
Like a manic little beaver-girl! [gnaws.]
I get it, you have perfect teeth.
Why are you doing this? To make you happy.
Trust me, I'm not playing mind games with you.
This from the woman who invaded your dreams? Luci, sweetness, you haven't finished your rat bones.
Ow! You've had a long day at the stake.
Shall we retire? - It's getting dark.
- How can you tell? Well, Trøgs are creatures of habit.
They know when it's time to sleep.
And when it's time to do the goddamn dishes! [Trøgs groaning.]
Just promise you'll think about giving me another chance.
I need to go to bed now.
Which rock do I sleep on? And no invading my dreams this time.
[chuckles.]
Of course not.
I know you like to be alone with your underwater sex fantasies.
How dare you? Also, I have no idea what you're even talking about.
Good night, dear.
Yugo will get you ready for bed.
- This way to the cave inn.
- [gasps.]
- That sounds dangerous.
- No, "inn" as in "hotel.
" - Oh, so it's safe? - No, there's a lot of cave-ins.
[Elfo.]
Bean, how can you be sleepy at a time like this? - I'm not.
I'm angry.
- [Elfo.]
Hmm.
Sometimes, when I'm angry, I get tired, too.
You know what? You're making me tired.
Go walk with Yugo.
I gotta figure this out.
- Aw.
- If there's one thing I've learned, it's that when you're stuck in a cave with your psycho mom, the best thing to do is play along.
I've gotta go undercover as her loving daughter.
Just be careful.
Don't let her mess with your head.
Oh, my gosh! It's exactly like my bedroom from when I was little.
What are these frilly dresses doing in my liquor cabinet? You two, this way to the sleep chambers.
- Hold hands.
- [Luci grunts.]
[Elfo.]
Good night, Bean.
[Luci.]
Oh, we have these in Hell.
They're called crypts.
Man, these Trøgs are spooky, but this cold, hard sleep nook seems cozy enough.
- Hi, Elfo.
- Hi, Trixy.
I mean, what the hell? - [Trixy moans.]
- Oh.
Oh, whoa.
[Trixy moans and grunts.]
- [Elfo whispering.]
Shut up, Trixy.
- [Luci.]
Shut up, Elfo! Shut up, Elfo! [Trøgs.]
Shut up, Elfo! - [groaning.]
- [door opens.]
[suspenseful music playing.]
[grunts.]
[footsteps squeaking.]
[cushion whooshes.]
[Derek.]
All right, butts down.
[throne creaking.]
And now to achieve our ultimate goal, making Dreamland into a rigid theocracy with a rich, full, spiritual life.
Mmm, with an emphasis on rich, baby.
Hallelujah, amen and ka-ching! Here are the edicts, Your Majesty.
Remember to use your outside voice.
Right-eo.
[clears throat.]
"By order of the King, me, Derek, I, we do declare Dreamland is now a theocracy!" "All power emanates from this Holy Throne and the ass therein ensconced!" "Henceforth, there shall be no more immorality of any kind!" "No more alcohol!" [gasps and burps.]
[Derek.]
"No more gambling!" [chuckles.]
Huh? [Derek.]
"No more unlicensed vending!" [man 1.]
Oh, no! My precious fluids! [Derek.]
"No unlawful cohabitation!" [man 2.]
Ow! [Derek.]
"And, most importantly, no more comedy!" - So my act is still okay? - You know what I think's funny? - What? - Your catchphrase.
[chuckles.]
What catchphrase? Oh, no⦠[whimpering.]
[chuckling.]
Yeah, that's it.
[Bean.]
I thought you were taking us to the coffee shop.
[Trixy.]
Dagmar said to show you the scenic route.
Behold the glorious beauty of mining pit number three.
Trøgs have been excavating for generations.
We'll keep it up until the whole world is hollow.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask the happy miners.
- [whistles.]
Comin' through! - Where do you put the rocks you excavate? We have another cave we excavated for rock storage.
Where did you put the rock you excavated from that cave? What are you, the rock police? I put 'em up my ass.
How's that? [Elfo.]
Oh, wow! Another cave! - This is your garbage hole? - No, this is our treasury cave.
Trøgs like to go to the surface and forage.
You mean steal? Eh, potato, potahto.
We forage 'em both.
If Trøgs have been to the surface, how come we've never seen you? Well, we got tunnels everywhere.
Including the walls of your castle.
Huh.
So that's what happened to Voop.
[Trixy.]
He's stuffed with dried corn.
That's what makes him posable.
And coming up next is our underground Fungus Forest.
[Elfo.]
Uh, what's the deal with those freaky mushrooms? [Trixy.]
They're called Trøg logs.
We use them for structural reinforcement, building insulation, and to make those tiny umbrellas you put in fancy drinks.
[sniffs.]
Well, they smell amazing.
Oh, yeah.
I should've reminded you.
Hold your breath.
You don't wanna be breathing in spores.
I should've been holding my breath! [laughs.]
Spores make you so forgetful.
Oh, no.
Not again.
[distorted.]
Whoa.
I can see colors and hear sounds! [chuckles.]
Are you freakin' out, man? I don't feel anything.
[Elfo and Luci chuckling.]
Ooh, whoa.
[Bean.]
There's that little drug door again.
[all yelling and laughing.]
[all laughing.]
[Bean and Luci yell.]
[psychedelic music playing.]
Welcome, stoners.
We worship the Moon.
They say when it's at its highest Like us! Yes, my son.
When it's at its highest, we Trøgs gain our special powers.
Cool.
Where's the Moon now? Beats me.
We're in a cave.
[Trixy.]
And this is the Pool of Reflection, one of the holiest sites in all of Trøgentology.
We come here when we're struggling with negative thoughts.
You say your wish into the spirit rock and then you throw it.
I wish you the best with that mole skank, Craig! - [grunts.]
- [Craig.]
Ow! You said your name was Trevor! [grunts.]
Weird.
I feel like I've been here before.
- You have, dear.
- [yelping.]
Don't do that.
Trixy, I have something special I want to show Bean.
Why don't you take Elfo to the Lover's Gravel Pit? - Okay! - Luci, you can chaperone.
Who's up for some Trøggy style? [scatting.]
[Dagmar.]
I used to bring you down here when you were little.
Really? Seems kind of dangerous for a toddler.
You used to love to stare into the pond.
You thought the reflection was a little water girl.
I believed that? That's what I told you.
Oh, look.
There she is now.
Look, Bean, I know things are awful between us.
I don't know where it all went wrong, but from the moment you were born, you were my greatest gift.
You realize, you're all I have.
Oh, Mom, you're all I have.
I know you're lying, but I hope one day you'll mean that.
Why don't you make a wish, darling? - Ow! - Sorry, Craig! [crows cawing.]
[grunts.]
Gah! I kneel before thee, my ghost king! I ain't no ghost, Pendergast.
I ain't even dyin' no more.
I've been fakin' it so you wouldn't kill me off, but now, honestly, I don't care.
My kingdom's outta control, my closest allies are now my mortal enemies, you're now my closest ally⦠I'm flattered, sire.
[groaning.]
And worst of all, my wonderful, crazy daughter is dead.
I gave her a hard time, but she was the light of my life.
Beanie! I got no reason to live.
Here's a halberd.
Kill me for real, huh? On the count of three, just splatter me good.
I know it's hard to see, but try to hit my neck.
[indistinct chatter.]
Things have been going great with Trixy, but, um, can I ask you a question? Is it still true love if your wallet is missing? [groans.]
Enough with the Trixy.
Bean, how'd it go with your mom? I'm not sure.
At first I thought I was doing fine, but then I got all mixed up.
I think she's onto me.
Bean, you have to be careful.
We know what this woman's capable of.
I mean, she tried to poison your dad.
- Please understand⦠- [all yelping.]
Stop doing that! Cloyd and Becky told me Zøg was evil and had to be stopped.
I swear, Bean, I meant him no permanent harm, and I intend to prove it to you.
I don't see how.
We don't even know if Dad recovered from his bullet wound.
- Did you know that I shot Dad? - Everybody knows that.
I don't even know if Dad is alive and kicking or dead and buried.
Oh, Bean, I don't think that's happened yet, but what if I helped you find out? I'm sure you recognize these floor plans from your heist.
My baby's first felony.
They killed Slappo, you know.
No, Slappo's still alive, and those sweet, snarling dogs, too.
Now, I've drawn in the Trøgs' secret tunnels.
Here's the one I had them use to get the music box back into your bedroom.
Here's the one that goes straight to Dad's room.
I'll use it I'm afraid not.
The passages are only big enough for Trøgs and those aren't tunneling thighs, dear.
- But perhaps your little elf friend⦠- [chuckles.]
Um, her little elf friend can speak for himself.
Bean, what should I do? Follow the tunnel to Zøg's bedchamber.
When you've delivered Bean's message, pull the rope twice.
If he's okay, tell him I'm alive.
And if you get a chance, can you bring me my blue hairbrush? It should be on the nightstand, but Bunty might have moved it.
Mmm-hmm.
[grunts.]
Somebody kick my ass? [grunts.]
- I'm alive.
- Yeah, so what? Bean is alive, too⦠[screaming and grunting.]
Oh, hello, ghost of Elfo! [clanging.]
[screaming.]
[grunts.]
Ow! Elfo, quit clowning around.
Is my dad alive? Yes.
Am I? [grunts.]
- [Bean.]
Oh, Mom, thank you! - You're hugging me.
It's the first time I've hugged you since you tried to kill me.
And I'm not letting you go this time.
What about my needs? Bean's still alive! I got somethin' to live for! I'm glad you didn't bash in my head.
There's plenty of other heads we could bash in, sire.
Listen.
You're the only guy I trust, except that elf on the rope.
Where'd he go? Anyway, here's the plan.
The only way Odval and the Archdruidess will let me outta here is if I'm dead.
So you go get a coffin, drag it up here, and stick me in it.
So you do want me to kill you? Okay, sounds like a plan.
- [grunts.]
- Hold on, let me finish, dumbass! You nail me into the coffin, you tell everybody I died, wheel me outta town, go get Turbish and Mertz, and we'll figure out how to bust this conspiracy from the safety of my secret royal hideaway.
Great! Where is your secret royal hideaway? It's an unmarked castle about 20 miles from here.
You can't miss it.
Your Majesty, I crave an audience.
Put down the dolls.
Granted.
As you may know, I'm something of a swine vivant.
I and my fellow scallywags find it increasingly hard to carouse in the face of all your new religious edicts.
I'd like to help you if I could understand you, Pig Merkimer.
I'm talking about roistering and rutting! Consecrating our desires without fear of reprisal or castigation.
Sire, you must revoke your pronouncements posthaste! I don't know if Odval or Purple Mommy would approve.
But you are king.
I beg of you on behalf of all the deviants of Dreamland.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
Come along, Your Majesty.
It's edict time.
Ugh, shouldn't you be wallowing in your own filth? If only! You know that's been banned.
Remember the wankers! [Derek groans.]
"Edict number 43.
" "All executed shall endow their clothing to Odval or the Archdruidess, depending upon who looks best in it.
" That was one of mine.
Hmm.
These are getting pretty arbitrary.
Maybe Merkimer was right.
Why can't I be arbitrary, too? I'm king.
New edict! "From now on, all weirdos get to do whatever they want!" "Except Weirdo.
" "That noise he makes really creeps me out.
" He's going off-scroll! I like this.
Let's see.
"From now on, disputes will be resolved by pancake eating contests.
" Um⦠"All rocking horses must be built to support the huskiest of boys.
" "A statue shall be erected in honor of my dear sister Bean, and maybe a sandwich at the deli can be named after Elfo and Luci.
" Faster, before he gives it all away! "And a socialist utopia shall be established that will" [grunts.]
Ceremony's over.
Go in peace! Inquisition starts in five, four, three, two⦠- [screaming.]
- You better run! [smacks lips and blows.]
So long, cruel jerks.
[chuckles.]
Bang it down tight.
I'm only gonna be in here like an hour.
That's the final nail in your coffin, sire.
Ah, nuts, my cigar went out.
I didn't pack enough for the whole hour.
Go and prepare the escape wagon! Yes, sire! [laughing.]
I'm a goddamn genius.
- [snoring.]
- [music box creaking and winding.]
- [melody playing.]
- [grunts.]
[groans.]
What is this stuff? - [sniffs.]
Hmm.
- [door closes.]
[gasps.]
[grunts.]
Oh, no! The sacred goo! That's enough, Yugo.
You've gotta feed Dagmar her midnight snack.
[groans.]
I knew this day would come.
Don't worry, you won't remember a thing.
[knocking.]
Mom, what's the deal with the crazy music? I thought we were past that.
It's catchy, but you gotta cut it out.
Mom? I'm talking to you.
Mom! Mom! [screams.]
Hiya, Princess! Hey, Pendergast, it's gettin' stuffy in here.
Let's go, already! Pendergast? What are you doing up on that pole? [yelping.]
Open it up! Help.
- Help! Help! Where you takin' me? - [thunder rumbling.]
Whaddaya doin'? The wagon wheels are so spooky on the cobblestone! I don't like that sound no more.
I used to but now I don't.
Aw, come on! What's goin' on? [yells.]
- [coffin thuds.]
- [Zøg.]
Hey! Whaddaya doin'? You're just gonna leave me in here? You're not gonna say nothin'? Shaddup.
[laughing maniacally.]
[Zøg yelping and screaming.]
[closing theme music playing.]
[man.]
Hey! - [Trøgs.]
Welcome, friends.
- [both screaming.]
Ah, they're still here.
[both screaming.]
[music box creaking and winding.]
[creepy melody playing.]
What, no hug? I'm waiting.
Come on, Bean.
Who can resist a creepy mom hug? [both.]
Shut up, Luci.
Oh, Bean! I've missed you! Well, I'm not gonna miss you, Mom.
[grunting.]
[whispering.]
Is this the mother you're always talking about? She's not an ugly, evil bitch.
But she is sluttier than I imagined.
Oh.
Hello, Elfo.
Last time I saw you, you were a lot more dead.
[rumbling.]
We can't have that moonhole.
[Trøgs.]
Moon.
- Moon.
- Silence! Seal team six, seal the hole! [all grunt.]
[blows horn.]
[rhythmic grunting.]
Too slow.
[all grunting.]
What are you doing here, Mom? Why can't you just leave me alone? Is your life so awful you have to keep wrecking mine? I just saved you, dear.
Now, would you like me to answer those other questions or did you just need to get it out of your system? You know what? Forget it.
I just want to get out of here.
Darling, nothing's keeping you.
Yeah, nothing except your freaky little molemen.
We're not freaky little molemen.
We're beautiful, bug-eyed Trøgs.
Trøgs, the "o" has a slash through it.
Those are molemen.
How ya doin'? 'Sup, tater dude? Let her go.
You're free to leave anytime you want.
I want now.
Uh, let's do now.
Ow! [Dagmar.]
Remember, darling, if you show your face in Dreamland⦠[echoing.]
â¦they'll kill you.
[echoing.]
[chuckles.]
[Dagmar.]
And you'll never find your way out without my help.
[echoing.]
Sorry about the echo.
[echoing.]
I know it's creepy.
[Trøgs.]
Welcome back, friends.
- [Luci grunts.]
- That's for calling me "tater dude.
" Who's gonna be accused of being a witch next, Daddy? I'm thinking the lady next door who has that little chihuahua.
- The one that never stops barking? - That's the one, son.
That's the one.
An excellent spectacle, Your Majesty.
You were a model of regal barbarism.
Two scoops of melted ice cream for you tonight.
I can't believe I killed my big sister.
Yeesh, I haven't seen him this upset since we burned his birthday clown.
[sighs.]
Being king is hard.
- I need some advice.
- We're your advisors.
- No, I want to talk to my father.
- I wouldn't advise that.
Hey, what's Derek doin' down there with Odval, huh? And the Archdruidess? And my crown? Something's goin' on.
Like any two numbers, this don't add up.
[groans.]
My wound.
[Archdruidess chuckles.]
Settle an argument, Pendergast.
I say we murder Zøg now, but Odval here thinks he's about to die on his own.
You're a bloodthirsty bastard.
What do you say? I'm no decision-maker, I'm an action-taker.
And a pudding-maker.
I make wonderful pudding.
[Odval.]
Shush.
Let's see how he's doing.
[Zøg gasps and grunts.]
[breathing heavily.]
[groaning.]
I'm dyin' over here.
Ugh! The royal blob's still alive.
Oh, I wanted to gloat directly over our victim's corpse.
- There's nothing more satisfying.
- Or arousing.
No worries.
From the sound of it, he'll soon be as dead as his daughter.
- [groaning.]
What? You⦠- [Odval.]
See? There's his death-mutter.
[groaning.]
You'll rue the day you messed with my daughter⦠I don't have time for muttering.
Hand me a murder stick.
Now, now.
We mustn't risk our immortal souls by killing him.
Souls? [scoffs.]
- But you're the leader of the church.
- Church, shmurch.
[Zøg groaning.]
For a dying man, he's making a lot of noise.
I wonder if he's recovering.
Oh, dear.
The people mustn't see that or they'll restore him to the throne.
Pendergast, stay here and make sure Zøg never leaves this room.
- Can I order in? - You'll have to.
And if he tries to leave, - hack him into little pieces.
- [grunts.]
[Dagmar.]
Ladies and whatevers, thank you all for attending this mandatory midnight supper.
I can hear someone eating.
Yeah.
No, you.
Just put the spork down.
- [metal clangs.]
- Thank you.
Let's give a big Trøgtown welcome to our I can still hear it! Let's give a big Trøgtown welcome to our guest of honor, my beautiful daughter, Princess Tiabeanie! [clears throat.]
- And⦠- And two little nobodies.
[clapping stops.]
And now that we are finally reunited as queen and princess, the last of the prophets and the fulfillment of the prophecy, my greatest desire is to put that all aside.
[Trøg.]
What? And focus on what's most important, the reunion of mother and child.
Bean, I've missed you so much.
[Trøgs.]
Aw⦠[Trøgs clapping.]
- I know we've had our differences.
- We tried to kill each other.
But now is the time to put the future aside and make up for the past.
I rescued you for a reason.
And it has everything to do with what's in here.
Her thorax.
We have time now.
World domination can wait.
Here's to love! [Trøgs slurp.]
Wow, Mom, I don't know if you mean any of that, but I'll toast to you not trying to screw that crown on my head.
- Oh, that old thing.
- [clangs.]
[Dagmar slurps.]
[grunts.]
Nothing like being burned at the stake to work up an appetite.
- [yelps.]
- No, no, no.
Here, in Trøgtown, your kind gets table scraps.
You realize I'm not a talking cat, right? I'm a talking demon.
Oh, we know.
We live one floor up from Hell.
You guys are terrible neighbors and you cook all that smelly cabbage.
Those are children! Mind if I squeeze in? Oh, sorry, there's not a ton of⦠- [grunts.]
- Oh, okay.
[chuckles.]
Ooh, look at you.
You're not like the other guys.
Your giant head-holes are relatively tiny.
Finally.
Someone gets it.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, um, that's kinda what I was going for.
[both chuckle.]
Hi, I'm Trixy.
Hi, there, Trixy.
The name's O.
Elf-o.
[both laughing.]
[clears throat.]
I've never gotten such attention from women.
I don't know how to handle it.
Oh, wow.
- What is all this stuff? - Anchovies with vinegar and mustard.
[gasps.]
Salty, sour and slimy? It's like the holy trinity of savory! Mmm! [chomping.]
- Um, don't you guys eat? - Oh, we have our own special diet.
Cave juice.
- [Elfo.]
Cave juice? - [seductively.]
Mmm.
Got it.
Okay.
Glad we cleared that up.
[both chuckle.]
Freak.
[slurps and chomps.]
Freak.
Sire? I don't know if you can hear me, and there's a ton of blood in your ears, but, uh, I just wanted to say, I never knew my father because he died serving your father in that battle over the canal we don't use anymore.
But I always had you to look up to.
And when you pushed me into battle, I went.
Not because you're my king, but because I knew you'd be right there fighting behind me.
Remember when we had a victory dinner after that battle, and you went into a drunken rage and you gouged my eyeball out? Fun fact, people thought it was a fork you threw, but it was actually a spoon that you threw so hard, at such a velocity, that it just⦠[whooshes.]
â¦melon scooped my eye right outta there.
Down to the bone, sir.
Impressive.
You are a true warrior.
And no matter what people say, sire, I know you're a good man.
- What happened to your appetite? - I'm allergic to pandering.
I remember you used to eat everything in sight with those teeth.
[chuckles.]
Like a manic little beaver-girl! [gnaws.]
I get it, you have perfect teeth.
Why are you doing this? To make you happy.
Trust me, I'm not playing mind games with you.
This from the woman who invaded your dreams? Luci, sweetness, you haven't finished your rat bones.
Ow! You've had a long day at the stake.
Shall we retire? - It's getting dark.
- How can you tell? Well, Trøgs are creatures of habit.
They know when it's time to sleep.
And when it's time to do the goddamn dishes! [Trøgs groaning.]
Just promise you'll think about giving me another chance.
I need to go to bed now.
Which rock do I sleep on? And no invading my dreams this time.
[chuckles.]
Of course not.
I know you like to be alone with your underwater sex fantasies.
How dare you? Also, I have no idea what you're even talking about.
Good night, dear.
Yugo will get you ready for bed.
- This way to the cave inn.
- [gasps.]
- That sounds dangerous.
- No, "inn" as in "hotel.
" - Oh, so it's safe? - No, there's a lot of cave-ins.
[Elfo.]
Bean, how can you be sleepy at a time like this? - I'm not.
I'm angry.
- [Elfo.]
Hmm.
Sometimes, when I'm angry, I get tired, too.
You know what? You're making me tired.
Go walk with Yugo.
I gotta figure this out.
- Aw.
- If there's one thing I've learned, it's that when you're stuck in a cave with your psycho mom, the best thing to do is play along.
I've gotta go undercover as her loving daughter.
Just be careful.
Don't let her mess with your head.
Oh, my gosh! It's exactly like my bedroom from when I was little.
What are these frilly dresses doing in my liquor cabinet? You two, this way to the sleep chambers.
- Hold hands.
- [Luci grunts.]
[Elfo.]
Good night, Bean.
[Luci.]
Oh, we have these in Hell.
They're called crypts.
Man, these Trøgs are spooky, but this cold, hard sleep nook seems cozy enough.
- Hi, Elfo.
- Hi, Trixy.
I mean, what the hell? - [Trixy moans.]
- Oh.
Oh, whoa.
[Trixy moans and grunts.]
- [Elfo whispering.]
Shut up, Trixy.
- [Luci.]
Shut up, Elfo! Shut up, Elfo! [Trøgs.]
Shut up, Elfo! - [groaning.]
- [door opens.]
[suspenseful music playing.]
[grunts.]
[footsteps squeaking.]
[cushion whooshes.]
[Derek.]
All right, butts down.
[throne creaking.]
And now to achieve our ultimate goal, making Dreamland into a rigid theocracy with a rich, full, spiritual life.
Mmm, with an emphasis on rich, baby.
Hallelujah, amen and ka-ching! Here are the edicts, Your Majesty.
Remember to use your outside voice.
Right-eo.
[clears throat.]
"By order of the King, me, Derek, I, we do declare Dreamland is now a theocracy!" "All power emanates from this Holy Throne and the ass therein ensconced!" "Henceforth, there shall be no more immorality of any kind!" "No more alcohol!" [gasps and burps.]
[Derek.]
"No more gambling!" [chuckles.]
Huh? [Derek.]
"No more unlicensed vending!" [man 1.]
Oh, no! My precious fluids! [Derek.]
"No unlawful cohabitation!" [man 2.]
Ow! [Derek.]
"And, most importantly, no more comedy!" - So my act is still okay? - You know what I think's funny? - What? - Your catchphrase.
[chuckles.]
What catchphrase? Oh, no⦠[whimpering.]
[chuckling.]
Yeah, that's it.
[Bean.]
I thought you were taking us to the coffee shop.
[Trixy.]
Dagmar said to show you the scenic route.
Behold the glorious beauty of mining pit number three.
Trøgs have been excavating for generations.
We'll keep it up until the whole world is hollow.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask the happy miners.
- [whistles.]
Comin' through! - Where do you put the rocks you excavate? We have another cave we excavated for rock storage.
Where did you put the rock you excavated from that cave? What are you, the rock police? I put 'em up my ass.
How's that? [Elfo.]
Oh, wow! Another cave! - This is your garbage hole? - No, this is our treasury cave.
Trøgs like to go to the surface and forage.
You mean steal? Eh, potato, potahto.
We forage 'em both.
If Trøgs have been to the surface, how come we've never seen you? Well, we got tunnels everywhere.
Including the walls of your castle.
Huh.
So that's what happened to Voop.
[Trixy.]
He's stuffed with dried corn.
That's what makes him posable.
And coming up next is our underground Fungus Forest.
[Elfo.]
Uh, what's the deal with those freaky mushrooms? [Trixy.]
They're called Trøg logs.
We use them for structural reinforcement, building insulation, and to make those tiny umbrellas you put in fancy drinks.
[sniffs.]
Well, they smell amazing.
Oh, yeah.
I should've reminded you.
Hold your breath.
You don't wanna be breathing in spores.
I should've been holding my breath! [laughs.]
Spores make you so forgetful.
Oh, no.
Not again.
[distorted.]
Whoa.
I can see colors and hear sounds! [chuckles.]
Are you freakin' out, man? I don't feel anything.
[Elfo and Luci chuckling.]
Ooh, whoa.
[Bean.]
There's that little drug door again.
[all yelling and laughing.]
[all laughing.]
[Bean and Luci yell.]
[psychedelic music playing.]
Welcome, stoners.
We worship the Moon.
They say when it's at its highest Like us! Yes, my son.
When it's at its highest, we Trøgs gain our special powers.
Cool.
Where's the Moon now? Beats me.
We're in a cave.
[Trixy.]
And this is the Pool of Reflection, one of the holiest sites in all of Trøgentology.
We come here when we're struggling with negative thoughts.
You say your wish into the spirit rock and then you throw it.
I wish you the best with that mole skank, Craig! - [grunts.]
- [Craig.]
Ow! You said your name was Trevor! [grunts.]
Weird.
I feel like I've been here before.
- You have, dear.
- [yelping.]
Don't do that.
Trixy, I have something special I want to show Bean.
Why don't you take Elfo to the Lover's Gravel Pit? - Okay! - Luci, you can chaperone.
Who's up for some Trøggy style? [scatting.]
[Dagmar.]
I used to bring you down here when you were little.
Really? Seems kind of dangerous for a toddler.
You used to love to stare into the pond.
You thought the reflection was a little water girl.
I believed that? That's what I told you.
Oh, look.
There she is now.
Look, Bean, I know things are awful between us.
I don't know where it all went wrong, but from the moment you were born, you were my greatest gift.
You realize, you're all I have.
Oh, Mom, you're all I have.
I know you're lying, but I hope one day you'll mean that.
Why don't you make a wish, darling? - Ow! - Sorry, Craig! [crows cawing.]
[grunts.]
Gah! I kneel before thee, my ghost king! I ain't no ghost, Pendergast.
I ain't even dyin' no more.
I've been fakin' it so you wouldn't kill me off, but now, honestly, I don't care.
My kingdom's outta control, my closest allies are now my mortal enemies, you're now my closest ally⦠I'm flattered, sire.
[groaning.]
And worst of all, my wonderful, crazy daughter is dead.
I gave her a hard time, but she was the light of my life.
Beanie! I got no reason to live.
Here's a halberd.
Kill me for real, huh? On the count of three, just splatter me good.
I know it's hard to see, but try to hit my neck.
[indistinct chatter.]
Things have been going great with Trixy, but, um, can I ask you a question? Is it still true love if your wallet is missing? [groans.]
Enough with the Trixy.
Bean, how'd it go with your mom? I'm not sure.
At first I thought I was doing fine, but then I got all mixed up.
I think she's onto me.
Bean, you have to be careful.
We know what this woman's capable of.
I mean, she tried to poison your dad.
- Please understand⦠- [all yelping.]
Stop doing that! Cloyd and Becky told me Zøg was evil and had to be stopped.
I swear, Bean, I meant him no permanent harm, and I intend to prove it to you.
I don't see how.
We don't even know if Dad recovered from his bullet wound.
- Did you know that I shot Dad? - Everybody knows that.
I don't even know if Dad is alive and kicking or dead and buried.
Oh, Bean, I don't think that's happened yet, but what if I helped you find out? I'm sure you recognize these floor plans from your heist.
My baby's first felony.
They killed Slappo, you know.
No, Slappo's still alive, and those sweet, snarling dogs, too.
Now, I've drawn in the Trøgs' secret tunnels.
Here's the one I had them use to get the music box back into your bedroom.
Here's the one that goes straight to Dad's room.
I'll use it I'm afraid not.
The passages are only big enough for Trøgs and those aren't tunneling thighs, dear.
- But perhaps your little elf friend⦠- [chuckles.]
Um, her little elf friend can speak for himself.
Bean, what should I do? Follow the tunnel to Zøg's bedchamber.
When you've delivered Bean's message, pull the rope twice.
If he's okay, tell him I'm alive.
And if you get a chance, can you bring me my blue hairbrush? It should be on the nightstand, but Bunty might have moved it.
Mmm-hmm.
[grunts.]
Somebody kick my ass? [grunts.]
- I'm alive.
- Yeah, so what? Bean is alive, too⦠[screaming and grunting.]
Oh, hello, ghost of Elfo! [clanging.]
[screaming.]
[grunts.]
Ow! Elfo, quit clowning around.
Is my dad alive? Yes.
Am I? [grunts.]
- [Bean.]
Oh, Mom, thank you! - You're hugging me.
It's the first time I've hugged you since you tried to kill me.
And I'm not letting you go this time.
What about my needs? Bean's still alive! I got somethin' to live for! I'm glad you didn't bash in my head.
There's plenty of other heads we could bash in, sire.
Listen.
You're the only guy I trust, except that elf on the rope.
Where'd he go? Anyway, here's the plan.
The only way Odval and the Archdruidess will let me outta here is if I'm dead.
So you go get a coffin, drag it up here, and stick me in it.
So you do want me to kill you? Okay, sounds like a plan.
- [grunts.]
- Hold on, let me finish, dumbass! You nail me into the coffin, you tell everybody I died, wheel me outta town, go get Turbish and Mertz, and we'll figure out how to bust this conspiracy from the safety of my secret royal hideaway.
Great! Where is your secret royal hideaway? It's an unmarked castle about 20 miles from here.
You can't miss it.
Your Majesty, I crave an audience.
Put down the dolls.
Granted.
As you may know, I'm something of a swine vivant.
I and my fellow scallywags find it increasingly hard to carouse in the face of all your new religious edicts.
I'd like to help you if I could understand you, Pig Merkimer.
I'm talking about roistering and rutting! Consecrating our desires without fear of reprisal or castigation.
Sire, you must revoke your pronouncements posthaste! I don't know if Odval or Purple Mommy would approve.
But you are king.
I beg of you on behalf of all the deviants of Dreamland.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
Come along, Your Majesty.
It's edict time.
Ugh, shouldn't you be wallowing in your own filth? If only! You know that's been banned.
Remember the wankers! [Derek groans.]
"Edict number 43.
" "All executed shall endow their clothing to Odval or the Archdruidess, depending upon who looks best in it.
" That was one of mine.
Hmm.
These are getting pretty arbitrary.
Maybe Merkimer was right.
Why can't I be arbitrary, too? I'm king.
New edict! "From now on, all weirdos get to do whatever they want!" "Except Weirdo.
" "That noise he makes really creeps me out.
" He's going off-scroll! I like this.
Let's see.
"From now on, disputes will be resolved by pancake eating contests.
" Um⦠"All rocking horses must be built to support the huskiest of boys.
" "A statue shall be erected in honor of my dear sister Bean, and maybe a sandwich at the deli can be named after Elfo and Luci.
" Faster, before he gives it all away! "And a socialist utopia shall be established that will" [grunts.]
Ceremony's over.
Go in peace! Inquisition starts in five, four, three, two⦠- [screaming.]
- You better run! [smacks lips and blows.]
So long, cruel jerks.
[chuckles.]
Bang it down tight.
I'm only gonna be in here like an hour.
That's the final nail in your coffin, sire.
Ah, nuts, my cigar went out.
I didn't pack enough for the whole hour.
Go and prepare the escape wagon! Yes, sire! [laughing.]
I'm a goddamn genius.
- [snoring.]
- [music box creaking and winding.]
- [melody playing.]
- [grunts.]
[groans.]
What is this stuff? - [sniffs.]
Hmm.
- [door closes.]
[gasps.]
[grunts.]
Oh, no! The sacred goo! That's enough, Yugo.
You've gotta feed Dagmar her midnight snack.
[groans.]
I knew this day would come.
Don't worry, you won't remember a thing.
[knocking.]
Mom, what's the deal with the crazy music? I thought we were past that.
It's catchy, but you gotta cut it out.
Mom? I'm talking to you.
Mom! Mom! [screams.]
Hiya, Princess! Hey, Pendergast, it's gettin' stuffy in here.
Let's go, already! Pendergast? What are you doing up on that pole? [yelping.]
Open it up! Help.
- Help! Help! Where you takin' me? - [thunder rumbling.]
Whaddaya doin'? The wagon wheels are so spooky on the cobblestone! I don't like that sound no more.
I used to but now I don't.
Aw, come on! What's goin' on? [yells.]
- [coffin thuds.]
- [Zøg.]
Hey! Whaddaya doin'? You're just gonna leave me in here? You're not gonna say nothin'? Shaddup.
[laughing maniacally.]
[Zøg yelping and screaming.]
[closing theme music playing.]