Drifters (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

1 LAURA: I'm not the thick one.
At least I didn't think there were a time difference in London.
GARY: There is a Bangalore in Wales, though.
Bangor! Bangalore's in India, you prick.
- Are you on? - Just get out! (IMPERSONATING HIM) "Bangalore's in Wales!" Knobhead.
You've got loads of room! - (THUD) - (SCREECHING TYRES) Oh, shit! Oh, bollocks, me leg! - Call an ambulance! - Stop bossing me! Oh, shit! Aargh! Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh I'm so excited Oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh I'm getting frightened Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Someday, someday, Leeds United.
But it's true, so true From night to day I turn away - That's him, with the face.
- That narrows it down(!) Oh, God, he's so sexy.
That is one lucky bitch of a banjo.
- I don't get it.
Are they farmers? - No.
Shepherds? The New Harvesters are actually really taking off, they're about to be signed.
You actually like this Benjo? Benji.
I'm in love with him.
I think I've finally found something that I'm good at.
What? Shagging a farmer in a band? He is not a farmer! He says I'm his muse.
Not technically a job, though, is it? It's actually a very powerful position.
Behind every strong man is a strong woman.
Yoko Ono, Hillary Clinton Debbie McGee.
(MARK SIGHS) Oh thanks for cleaning the flat, Meg(!) We've been really busy, Mark.
We had to take Gary to the hospital - because Laura ran him over.
- Before you ask, yes, it was an accident.
- But, no, I didn't film it.
- Hi, Meg.
- Hiya, girls.
- Hi, Dad! Why have you got a suitcase? Er, listen, Meg, we need to have a little word in private.
MEG: I said I'd pay you back! Can't get any peace around here.
Oh, exciting Yeah, so, me and your mum have decided to take a a little break.
What, like a city break? No, Meg, a break from each other.
What? Why? Well, things are really difficult at the moment, Meg, you know, and your mum's not happy.
She don't really want me around.
I mean, it is what it is, really, so - Well, this is weird.
- I mean, Mark's offered to let me sleep on his sofa, so Oh, great, let's all live with my ex-boyfriend(!) I'll just get self-esteem issues and be some sort of jobless underachiever for the rest of my single life! Yeah, I know what you're going to say.
"Oh, it sounds like "nothing's going to change, Meg!" Yeah, that is what I was going to say.
Well, things will change, because now I'll be from a broken home! So, thanks a lot! (SHE SOBS) Hello.
Oh, hi, Scott.
It's Meg, isn't it? - Well remembered.
- Well, it's easy to remember, my dog was called Meg.
It's easy to remember your name as well because it's a type of person.
So, who were you arguing with? - How d'you know I've been arguing? - Your mascara and the fact that I could hear you arguing with someone.
- Man trouble? - No.
- I'm single.
- Hmm.
I don't want to intrude, but I do listen to people's problems for a living.
Yeah, it's just my parents have split up and now I'm from a broken home.
Oh, don't be embarrassed, Meg.
D'you want to come into mine and have a cup of tea and a nice chat about it? Yes! Please.
Mm, oh, er, where's my banjo? I just feel so inspired around you! I really do.
I've been working on a song for you.
Oh, my God, that's so exciting.
I can't wait to tell everyone I know.
It's called Gaze Upon The Hillside.
What have they got to do with it? Oh, no, no, no.
Um, "gaze" as in staring.
It's, um it's pretty raw at the moment.
Well, let's let's finish it together.
I'll help you.
OK, yeah, um I want you by my side And And I will not hide? - Yeah.
- Oh, this is easy! Yes, OK, um, er I want you by my side And I will not hide Oh, I, er, I know! Um My hair is dyed And you wear a tie.
Uh Yeah.
Yeah OK.
Or, um You are my guide And I feel no pride.
You are not wide My egg is fried.
(HE LAUGHS) God, I can't wait to play it to the boys.
In and out.
In.
All the way in Right in.
Good.
How are you feeling? Amazing ly sad.
You're really good at this.
Hmm.
Thanks.
It's actually quite useful for my thesis, and anyway, what are neighbours for? One-night stands! I'll, um, I'll go and talk to my mum, then, shall I? It's all about communication, otherwise you'll just be imagining the worst.
Yeah, yeah, like when you're holding a baby and you think, "What if I just throw it out of the window?" That's interesting.
Like I say any time.
Oh! Oh! Three.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I always do three.
Not just for you.
Bye, Scott.
Thanks.
- What's for dinner? - Nuggets.
Again?! Is it, er, time for me painkillers yet? Yeah.
Oh, they're proper good, these ones, they make me nice and sedate.
Make you drool an' all.
- Oh, what shall we do? - Will you get me another pillow? Me shoulder hurts.
I'm not your slave, you bell-end.
Hello.
Mark? Dad? Meugh! (THEY LAUGH) Oh, grow up! It was a lot of effort, but it was BOTH: Worth it! - You're worth it.
- Oh, thanks, mate! Oh, my God, I could have been really hurt then! Are you really hurt, then? No, I'm absolutely fine.
(THEY SNIGGER) Are you stoned?! - He made he gave it me! - You wanted it! - (THEY LAUGH) - I'm glad you're enjoying yourself now because you won't be laughing when you're a divorced druggie! No wonder Mum doesn't want to live with you any more.
(THEY LAUGH) BOTH: Lads! Lads! Lads! Lads! Lads! Lads! Lads! Lads! Lads! (BAND PLAYS UP-TEMPO FOLK SONG) Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop, sorry.
I can't hear Benji's banjo at all.
What is this place, Shabby Road? It's because you're not wearing any headphones.
Yeah, actually, can we get her some cans? Yeah! Can you get me some cans, please? What are cans? Just so you know, you've got one hour left on this session, - all right? - Oh, right, guys! Er, yeah, I know you've got to play faster.
OK, from the top, guys.
(BAND PLAYS AGAIN) Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop! Sorry, guys, my friends are here.
Right, um, d'you want to take five, yeah? All right, Yoko, how's it going? Yeah, thanks, just been, like, jamming and riffing and laying down tracks.
God, I'm exhausted, but I think the guys really love having me here.
And d'you know what? I think they really feel it too, like, it's not just like I'm bringing emotional support to the band.
Like, they also really respect my opinions and my musical insight and my creative genius, I guess.
So, they're not farmers? I can now proudly call myself the sixth member of the New Harvesters.
Babes? The guys were just saying, why don't you grab some air? You've been working really hard, - give yourself a break.
- Good call.
Yep.
He said his door is always open, which is very touching.
Are you using your parents' separation to get a poke off your neighbour? No! Who knows? Anyway, I've taken his fit advice, I've arranged to meet my mum here to communicate.
Hey, sluts! Jesus Christ! Why is a teenager wearing my mum? I know you're judging me, love, and I don't care.
Not judging you, just think you're being inappropriate and selfish.
- Ohh - Right, well, I feel awkward, - so I'm off.
- No, please stay.
Girls' lunch on me! That's what this is all about - me time.
- What does that even mean? - It means I am bored.
Bored of everything.
The same face, the same routine, the same sex.
Oh, my God, please stop talking! The last time your dad surprised me was 25 years ago at a Spandau Ballet concert when he proposed and then we had a quickie in the disabled toilet.
Oh, my God! - Whereas now it's - Well, you know, he puts it in where he's supposed to put it in, wiggles it about a bit You're making me think of my dad's penis.
I mean, I have always wanted to be dominated.
And I'm not even talking dungeons and chains.
- Please stop.
- Just a little bit of S&M! She's still going! You know, and that never hurt anybody, - did it? - I feel quite sick.
Do you use toys, Auntie Jenny? Oh, put it this way, I don't know where I'd be without Bertie.
Who's Bertie? - My vibrator.
- Right, bye! (SHOUTS OF PASSION) Oooh! Right, after the gig, let's come back here and never, never leave this room.
We can have a bed-in, like John and Yoko.
Yeah, the lads keep calling us that, actually.
Oh, really? Awww! Listen, I don't care what they say.
Oh, come on, babe.
You don't need them.
Well, I mean, I do completely need them.
You're the best member of the New Harvesters.
I know, I know.
If this showcase goes well and we get signed, it means they'll send us on tour, and we'll be apart.
I'll just come with you.
Yeah.
OK.
I could be the sixth member of the New Harvesters.
Yeah - Yeah - Back on the bed.
- Get back to it.
- Yeah Yes! Ooh! - Yes.
- Yay! Get on with it, baby.
Oh, yes! Oh, God! Jubilate! (DOOR BANGS) Laura! Is that you? Where have you been? I need the toilet, horrible.
I fell over.
(HE GROANS) You fucktard, Gary.
Sorry, Scott.
I just needed to escape.
It's like being a teenager.
I've even started listening to Alanis Morissette again.
- You Oughta Know? - Yeah.
- Tune.
- Oh, for the bass line alone.
It's just so hard seeing them apart.
- I feel so afraid.
- I know.
But you'd feel worse seeing them in the same room arguing.
If it all gets too much, you can always stay here.
Stay here? At yours? Here? At yours? Here? Of course! If you think you can't cope.
That is fucking kind.
- Is that my car? - Yeah, yeah, get in.
- Right.
It's so slow, this car, man! - Get after him! - I am, I am, I am, I am! - That's it.
Yeah, good job, boy.
Bye.
Are you all set for the concert tonight, Meg? - What concert? - The New Harvesters.
Mark said they would be right up my street.
- You're going to the gig? - Yep.
Yes! - Come on, nice one! - Yes! Yes! - Hiya, Meg.
- Hi, Mum, it's me.
Just wondering what you're doing later.
Benny's boyfriend's got a gig, - if you fancy it.
- Ooh! Love to! They're both coming to the gig tonight.
I don't think I can cope.
TV: Alan's testicles have grown over four times the normal size and are leaking discharge If it's so embarrassing, why have you got your swollen balls out on TV, mate? Gaz? Gary? Gary! Will you stop dozing off? It's like living with me nan! At least she had dementia to entertain me.
- We're going out.
- We can't! I'm climbing the walls here, Gary! Well, we can always take the wheelchair.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's bad enough going round with it when you can walk.
Right, if anyone asks, you were in Afghanistan.
Right, I'm off to get changed! (MUSIC PLAYS OVER PA) Evening.
Seven quid each, please.
He's just come back from Afghanistan.
- Isn't there some sort of discount? - Oh, sorry, mate, I didn't realise - you was one of us.
What regiment? - Er He doesn't like to talk about it.
He's got that seashell shock.
I understand.
Heroes go in for free, mate.
And heroes' wives.
You've already paid.
Cheers! In we go Corporal Evans.
I'm sorry, pal.
- All right, guys? - (BANG) - Ow! - You all right, Gaz? Nice outfit, Meg.
What you mourning - your sex life? On the house.
Gaz is training for the Paralympics, an' all.
Aren't you, Gaz? - Yeah.
- Good lad! What sport? - Sword fighting.
- You mean fencing.
Amazing! These two don't pay a penny all night.
Sorry, are you pretending that your boyfriend is a Paralympic war veteran? Yeah.
- Oh, this is a new low.
- Oh, you made it! I really appreciate you coming.
It's, like, such a big night for us.
The record label are here.
We are so getting signed.
"We"? - (MUM SQUEALS) - Oh, look, Mickey Rourke's wearing a skirt.
Hiya, rock star! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, slippery nipple.
Who wants one? Ooh, me! - I'm going down the front, girls.
- Laura, what about me? Well, I can't see anything from here, can I? But what if I need t' toilet? Don't worry, Corporal, I've got your back.
Whoa! Lads! How are your parents? Are you OK? Yeah.
Thanks for being here.
- What you doing here? - Eh? I'm having a good time with the lads, doing lads' stuff, actually.
Well, what are you doing, dressed like that in a place like this? - Honestly, act your age.
- I think I look fantastic, thank you.
COMPERE: Ladies and gentlemen, the New Harvesters! (CHEERING) (BAND PLAYS UP-TEMPO FOLK MUSIC) Through fields of night In blinding light I searched for days gone by But still I miss her tender hand In moonlight's lovely glow The sands of time Through which I climb Are cruel and soft and low Sands of time Through these hands of mine Sands of time They're making moments pass Too fast, too fast Sands of time Sands of time Sands of time! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - (BANG) - Oh! Cheers.
I am bursting.
All them free drinks.
I'll, er catch you outside.
- Yeah? - Oh, don't mind me, mate.
When you've slept in a dugout with ten men, shells bursting overhead, a little cock isn't so frightening.
I, er I don't need it any more.
Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
OK, so, now we have a little surprise for you.
Um, it's just something that Benji and I have been writing together, and I guess it's, like, just some new material.
It's called Gaze Upon The Hillside.
Oh that's "gaze", as in staring, not homosexuals.
Thank you.
- (FEEDBACK HUMS) - Kick it, babe.
Gaze Upon The Hillside, babes.
Benji? Babe? Babe? - Benji! - Don't.
Benji everybody's looking.
Babe? (HE PLAYS) I want you by my side - I will not hide - My hair is dyed And you wear a tie You are my guide And I feel no pride You are not wide My egg is fried BOTH: Ga-aze Upon a hillside On a hillside Ga-aze Boo! Boo! Off, off! Oh, whoa - (BOOING) - Get off the stage! On a hillside You're shit! Gaze upon Boo! (SHE SQUEALS) - Kick his head in! - Good luck trying to replace me! I'm the best banjo player in Leeds! - Whoops.
- I think we'd better do one.
Where the fuck's Gaz? Ow! Gaz, you bastard! Excuse me! Can you listen up, please? I've got a very important announcement to make.
Um, it's 25 years to the very day that I proposed to my beautiful wife.
It was in Spandau Ballet's toilet.
Well, maybe not.
Um And she's leaving me because she reckons that I'm boring.
I don't think I can watch.
It's just too hard.
I think I will need to stay at yours tonight.
Well, the thing is, is I'm not boring.
Just listen up.
My love is like a high prison wall But you could leave me standing So ta-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-all Cos you are gold! Come on, do it! Always believe in your soul ALL: You've got the power to know You're indestructible Always believin' Because you're gold - ALL: Gold! - That's it! And I'm glad that you're bound to return Something I could have learned ALL: You're indestructible SPANDAU BALLET: Goldl - (CHEERING) - Always believe in your soul You've got the power to know What's up? But I must just thank me daughter Meg, who phoned up Jenny and arranged for her to be here knowing that I would be here, cos without that, Meg, well who knows? (CHEERING) - So, you invited them? - Er It's very complicated.
Mm (HE GROANS) There you are, Gary! Come here, you.
What the fuck, Gary?! He can piss where he likes.
He's a hero.
He's not my fucking hero! ( SLOW CLUB: Giving Up On Love) Thanks for No problem.
All the best.
Oh.
I'll stay at mine, then.
This kills.
I'm not speaking to Gary no more, not after what he's done.
- What, running you over? - And pissing on me.
- Of course.
- While wearing the one outfit that he knows you're not supposed to piss on.
- (HORN HONKS) - Oh! That'll be Benji.
You're still shagging him, even though he's been sacked from the band? Wow! - (HORN HONKS) - How shallow do you think I am? - Extremely shallow.
- I love him for who he is, not what he is.
He's gone back to his day job, whatever that is.
No.
It's, um It's not him.
BENJl: Bunny? Bunny? From dusk till dawn Until the early morn My heart is torn in two My love is sworn to you But it's true, so true From night to day I turn away.
Bwark!