EastSiders (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Good morning.
No.
Hi.
[WATER RUNNING.]
He's in the shower? He's showering? Yeah, that's pretty normal.
What, after a threesome? I would say that a shower is probably what most people think about.
Thank you.
So, what exactly happened last night? Seriously? Well, I can put two and two together.
Well you don't have to 'cause there was only three of us.
Very funny.
I remember the sex part.
I just don't really remember how we got to the sex part.
I thought we changed our minds outside of the bar.
No, no, no but then we changed them back.
- That's the part that's missing.
- Nobody roofied you or anything, Cal, if that's what you're insinuating.
I wasn't insinuating that I was roofied.
Actually, um, you might have roofied yourself with that last round of shots you bought? Why do I always do this? You always do this? No, Thom, I've obviously never done this.
It's actually not that obvious? Come here.
Don't you at least remember having some fun? - Actually, yeah.
- Yeah? - I remember a lot of fun.
- Then stop pouting so much.
- It was fun.
We had a - Fuck, that's him what do we do? Um, just freeze 'cause he can only see movement.
Ah fuck yeah, coffee.
Yeah, sorry we ah don't have like a hot breakfast or anything.
That's cool.
I think that's my shirt on the counter.
I should probably get going soon anyway.
I have to be at the office in 30.
You work in an office? Well eventually I want to go pro with this whole threesome thing but in the meantime I'm an executive assistant.
Thanks for a really fun night.
Yeah.
Thank you.
And you.
Thanks.
We should this again sometime.
Yeah, definitely.
What? "We should this again sometime.
" "Yeah, definitely" Come on, it was fun.
You, you yourself said that you had a really good time.
Did we even use condoms? Yeah, like six according to the trash can.
Great.
That's great.
I'm really looking forward to reading your essay on this.
I'm glad you finally got that empirical evidence you've been looking for that everybody on the planet is as depraved as you are.
Your mom will be thrilled.
We're not telling my mother.
Relax, she's not talking to me.
She even de-friended me on Facebook.
Well, you broke her heart.
She thought you were the one.
I feel good about this.
Do you not feel good about this? I dunno know.
You're not going to break up with me again, are ya? - Are we dating? - Yeah.
Is that what this is? - I think so.
- I should get going too.
And here are my clothes.
Really? Yeah, Thom.
I should get back to the apartment that I live in.
Alone.
Well, with the cat.
I do have custody of the cat this week.
I just don't want things to be weird between us or anything.
Oh, things are definitely weird.
Maybe not any weirder than normal.
So what am I supposed to do? I think you're supposed to take a shower.
I've heard that.
And you should probably wash those sheets.
Hey Kathy, it's me.
I hope you're settling in OK, and rehearsal is going well.
I'm just calling 'cause I did something kind of fucking insane last night and I'm probably gonna cut my dick off.
No fucking way.
Hillary? Calvin? I came as soon as I heard! - Oh my God, are you OK? - I'm fine.
As soon as you heard what? About you and Thom! The devastation! The lies! Mom put it in her newsletter! She did? It is so fucked up that you are the one who had to move.
I was so looking forward to staying in that place.
He is the one that should have had to move, obviously! Why would Thom have to move? We are talking about Thom here! Hard to make a few extrapolations.
Mom said sent everyone his essay in France Magazine.
The Paris Review.
They are livid.
Actually, we are dating again.
Mom must have left that part out.
Are we even friends on Facebook? Calvin, I'm your sister, we are family on Facebook.
I've just been on a social media cleanse the last few months.
- Seriously? - Yeah, it's a real thing.
I moved to Portland by the way.
[SCREAMS.]
Fuck, that fucking place, everyone there is crazy.
I mean I don't mind hipsters, obviously, but you at least wash your hair! I mean, what's left of it.
What did what did you do?! Everyone there is covered in dirt and organic coffee grounds and, and they're liars! They just lie to you.
Like it's nothing.
You brought a lot of suitcases.
I'm still in love with him.
What is wrong with me? I don't know.
He kicked me out, isn't that crazy? Do you think we can get all this in one trip? [GRUNTS/SIGHS.]
You can't tell Mom I'm here or that I was in Portland.
She still thinks I'm doing Teach for America.
I thought you were doing the Peace corps.
I was going to I was thinking about it.
Hillary, what are you doing here? I'm visiting you.
You could have called.
Since when do we talk on the phone? You know what, that is exactly why I am here.
I don't know you anymore, Calvin! You used to be my little gay buddy.
Please don't start calling me that shit.
- You used to like it.
- I was five.
I didn't know what it meant.
Calvin, I want to be here for you in your time of need.
I want to get to know the big gay man you've become.
For starters, nobody calls me Calvin ever.
You think you know somebody, and then they change.
Just like that.
Are we still talking about me? It was awful, Calvin.
It was bad.
It was really bad.
- Come here.
- Should I call him? - No.
- I should call him.
Do you have anything to drink? I'm trying to keep that shit out of the house, - I'm sorry.
- Why? 'Cause I'm an alcoholic.
- So? - Yeah.
I might have some ginger ale.
Perfect, I've got whiskey.
- Nooo, you don't.
- [GROANS.]
[HAPPY SOUND.]
I give up! Shit, I don't have the key.
Another one.
Please.
Are you sure? It's brunch.
I ordered eggs, OK? You alright, man? I slept in my car outside my girlfriend's house.
Why? Because I was drunk and I'm responsible and she's a bitch and then my phone died and I overslept and now she's gone and I didn't even get to say goodbye to her.
Where'd she go? She's doing the non-equity tour of CATS.
It's a really great opportunity.
It's on me, buddy.
You're a nice man, Thom.
I try.
- Maybe pour me another one? - Slow down there, cow! She's just, she's the worst person.
She's, she's nasty.
Cold.
So cold.
She's just the worst.
Hey, eat up.
I bought you extra brunch.
Thank you.
- I'm Ian.
- I'm Jared.
- I'm training.
- He's training.
You're doing great.
Oh, thank you.
So did you guys get into a fight or something? No, we didn't.
She did.
She got into a fight with me.
I know exactly how eggs feel.
Sorry eggs.
Well, you guys will get through it.
That's exactly what I'm afraid of! What if she comes back?! What if this is it?! What if this is how things are for the rest of my life?! Try being gay.
I'm thinkin' about it.
No fucking way.
Excuse me.
Kathy?! What the hell are you doing here? - Who's Kathy? - Sorry.
I'm a little drunk.
Did you just mistake me for another Asian? Yes but not just because you're Asian.
Right.
And this other Asian girl, is she your Asian girlfriend? - Tech technically, no.
- But she used to be? You like Asians, you live in Silver Lake.
I get it, you're unique.
Shouldn't you be wearing vintage glasses? I'm sorry.
I should be I'm gonna get back to my eggs.
Why don't you walk me to my car? Really? - What are you doing? - Fetishizing you.
Wait, what's your name? Lucy Liu.
Lisa Ling.
Sandra Oh.
Oh God! [TRAIN WHISTLE.]
Where's your friend? Ian? He's probably crawled up outside his girlfriend's apartment in the fetal position.
Do you know he forgot to pay? I'll give you a manager's cut so you can comp it.
Just don't tell anyone.
You're too good to me.
Seriously, you're like the best trainer that I've had here.
It's your first shift.
You should let me buy you a drink after work.
You know to say thank you.
And thank you.
- Should I? - Mmm-hmm.
I'd love to but I'm meeting my boyfriend.
Aahh, too bad for me.
Well, maybe we could all go get a drink or something later this week? Yeah.
I just moved here so I'm basically like always free.
I'm going to put my number in and that way you can call me.
There you go.
Uh, I'm going to go get back to my very important job, OK.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
Hey.
Hey, I'm drunk.
- That was fast.
- It's not my fault.
Guess who's at my apartment.
Don't tell me Kathy got fired already? Who hates you more than Kathy? Ah, your mom? Who hates you less than my mom? Oh, it's your sister?! Thom says hi! Hi Thom! Anyway, we should probably talk about that thing that happened.
I just don't wanna make a big fucking deal about it.
Why do you we have to make such a big fucking deal about it? Because it is a big fucking deal, Thom.
Because things are changing inexorably, OK.
Inexorably! OK.
Calvin?! What if I jumped? If I just like jumped? What the fuck would you do? - I gotta go! - Cal! Wow.
Yeah.
Do you mind if smoke? You got a prescription for that? Of course.
That's a relief.
Let me guess, stress? What are you, a cop? No, I'm a doctor.
Remember, I told you I was a doctor.
- You said that was hot on the uh - Right.
I also have a prescription.
Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday.
Glad I got to see you today though.
I was starting to think I was never going to see you again.
It was not like an "avoiding you" thing.
I.
.
just been kind of avoiding everybody.
Want to talk about it? Well, work is boring? Probably not your work.
You know, saving lives and Well, I'm a pediatrician but sure.
What do you do? I make furniture for rich lesbians.
So kind of similar.
I should probably get back to it.
Right.
- I mean, I had fun.
- No.
Don't do me any favors.
Anonymous fun, even ridiculously good anonymous fun, is boring.
Call me if you want to get to know me.
Hi sweetie! Yeah, I was just calling to tell you I printed out the forms and I filled them out so whenever you want to come and get me, we can go to the clerk's office together.
Yeah, Jeremy said he'd watch the kids.
I did? Oh, yeah, it was so cute.
He was like "what can I do to repay you for letting me stay at your house.
" And I was like "watch the kids.
" And he was like "Totally!" He also said he would watch them tonight if we wanted to go to a celebration dinner, and then he said he would watch them this weekend.
Just because.
Love you too.
But I already watched the kids while you were at the store! Congratulations by the way.
Thank you.
Just calling a spade a spade.
It's quiet.
Where are the kids? Upstairs watching TV.
Jeremy, you know they're not supposed to watch TV unsupervised.
It melts their brains and turns them into zombies.
Oh come on.
This is America, you want them to fit in, right? [SNIFFS.]
Have you been smoking pot? Just in the guest room.
The kids are upstairs, crazy! The kids are alright! They're upstairs watching TV unsupervised.
It sucks out their brains and turns them into zombies! I can't believe you.
You know you're only supposed to smoke outside.
OK.
What if we had a lemon tree and a marijuana tree? Or a guacamole tree? [LAUGHS.]
This is good shit.
It's medicinal.
- Yeah? - Uh-huh.
What's the diagnosis? A broken heart? Really? Don't be mean.
It's been like a year, dude.
I did not know there was any sort of a deadline.
Well, there is a deadline, and you're past it.
Just like you're past the deadline of leaving my house a month ago.
I know, I'm sorry.
And what about those deck chairs you're supposed to make Amber and Amy? You like kept putting it off and then - I got stifled creatively.
I told you.
They were deck chairs.
Plan B: lemonade stand.
How much did you pay for this? - I got a good deal.
- Bullshit, you are out of money.
When life hands you lemons, get a fucking job.
- Gotta stop drinking.
- Why? It makes me feel things.
[LAUGHING.]
That's what I like about it.
It's like falling off a cliff.
Remember when Mom used to have her boyfriend dress up as the repairman so that she could sneak him past us in the house? Jack! Jack of all trades.
Plumber, woodworker, carpet cleaner.
How often did she need to get her bathroom sink unclogged? So you and Thom are dating but you are not living together and this morning you had like a fight about the future for no reason? Yeah, I guess so.
You mean like abstractly? Sure.
You don't think about the future? I don't have to.
I just envision the present and the universe takes care of the future for me.
That might be why you're homeless.
I'm not homeless.
I'm just figuring things out.
[SIGHS.]
Do you want to know what happened last night? - Sure.
- Me, too.
You don't remember? No.
Oh no.
I remember we were fighting.
Then we weren't fighting.
And then we anyway.
I'm drunk.
OK? Maybe we're just not meant to be together.
I don't believe in "meant to be.
" You know.
You envision your world and then the universe makes it a reality.
I guess I just don't know what I want us to be.
Who I want to be.
I spent so much time being half of something, you know.
I don't.
Not really.
I really wish I did though.
It's not that much fun in the past tense.
This is good, Calvin.
Feeling all of this.
All of it.
I'm glad we're hurting together again.
[SIGHS.]
I should go talk to Thom.
He's probably done with work.
[HUMMING.]
[KNOCKING.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I don't know how to say this.
What? I want to be with you.
I want us to be together no matter what and I don't know what that means right now but I know that whatever it means, I want you.
I want you too.
Good.
I didn't know what this was going to be.
I still don't.
Then maybe we can figure it out together.
Partners then? Partners.