Empty Nest (1988) s02e01 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on Carol, honey, you're gonna be late.
All right, I'll be ready in five minutes.
But just because I'm going out, I don't want you eating junk food tonight.
Oh, yes, dear.
Hello, pizza shack? Yes, this is Barbara Weston.
No, no, no, the pizza's not here yet.
But it's okay.
We don't want the pizza to arrive until my sister leaves.
She's a health-food nut.
Right, red hair.
How did you know that? The last time, she called the delivery boy a messenger of death? Okay, I'm late.
Dan's making dinner for me tonight I've gotta go.
Tell the truth, do I look fat? You paused.
Oh, my god, you paused.
I do look fat, don't I? You can tell me.
I look fat.
Great.
Now I'm late, and I'm a pig.
Carol, come on, dear, you're not fat.
How could you look fat? Water retention.
I am carrying around so much water, Jacques cousteau is probably scouting me for his next calypso voyage.
Carol, would you relax? Dan is great.
He's nice, he's smart, he's a lawyer And he doesn't have hair plugs, like that other guy.
He is great, isn't he? As far as I'm concerned, you can stop looking.
Oh, no I have a pimple.
I'm bloated and I have a pimple.
No, you don't.
That's a sesame seed on the toaster.
Come on, dear, you look fine.
What's the problem? I don't know.
For some reason, when I'm with Dan, I never feel desirable enough.
I want to look perfect.
I want to look sexy.
But no.
Instead, now, I'll just ring the doorbell and say, "hi, Dan.
I didn't have time" "to stop and get dessert, but as a special treat, I brought lake superior.
" Oh, come on, honey, you look lovely.
Come on, just go.
Have fun.
Okay.
What are you two having for dinner tonight? Get her out of here.
We'll work it out, dear.
You go and have a good time.
Hey! Hey, you, what is that? Pizza? Come back here.
I want your name! Are you relaxed now, hon? Everything except my lips.
My lips are kind of tense, Dan.
Well, I can't let you go home with tense lips.
Did you say "go home"? Hey, I'd love for you to stay, but I have to get up for court real early tomorrow.
What if you think of me as a very warm and cuddly alarm clock? It's what I'm wearing, isn't it? Are you kidding? No, you look beautiful.
Now, I promise you we'll have our late night tomorrow.
You've been promising me tomorrow for two weeks now, and, Dan, I'm kind of Tense.
All over.
Carol, please don't make this any more difficult than it is already.
Now, good night.
If I'd known the evening was going to end like this, I would have finished my dessert.
- Morning.
- Shut up.
I'm guessing your evening didn't go well.
You're eating all the coffee cake? No, there are two more in the refrigerator.
Don't touch them, they're mine! God, what's with you? You seem really tense.
It's Dan.
Things are so good with him, Barbara.
I mean, he's thoughtful, he's attentive, he's sensitive He just doesn't seem to be physically attracted to me, that's all.
There, I've said it.
Carol, wait a minute.
You've been going out for two months.
You have slept together, haven't you? Of course we have.
Twice.
In two months? Boy, that works out to be just once every thank you.
I know I should talk to him about it, but it's not an easy subject.
Twice, huh? Carol, you don't suppose that maybe he's saving himself for one big, giant, mondo time? No, Barbara, that is completely Huh.
No, that's ridiculous! Hey, Jack and I borrowed this really great beach house for the weekend.
Why don't you two come along? And that way if this mondo thing doesn't happen, at least you'll be in a place where it's easier to talk.
Barbara, I don't need your pity But I'll take it.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, baby.
Wait a minute.
Are you okay? You look kind of tense.
Good morning.
Mm, you're happy.
Yeah, I guess I am.
You know, as of today, Laverne and I will have worked together for six years.
I've decided to give her a surprise raise.
That's great, daddy.
I know exactly how I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell her I have something very serious to talk with her about.
Then I'm gonna furrow my forehead, pace back and forth a few times, look real worried, and then, I'm gonna hit her with the raise.
I can hardly wait to see her face.
Ha ha! Forget it.
What? What did you say? Just no thanks.
No raise, that's all.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
No, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Can't we at least discuss this? No.
I do not discuss my personal finances with anybody.
Laverne, I'm trying to do something nice for you here.
Won't you at least tell me what the problem is? No.
It sets a real bad precedent.
Once I reveal a piece of my personal life to you, it's only a matter of time till you come waltzin' in here, feeling real comfortable, asking me how I am, how my evening was.
Before you now it, we're on a first-name basis.
We are on a first-name basis, Laverne! That's not my real name.
It is so! Room one, Christopher Taylor, booster shot.
No, Laverne, I want to finish talking about this.
I'm finished.
And again, I want to remind you that is not my real name.
Will you stop that? Laverne, I'm gonna continue talking about this.
Fine.
Dr.
Weston's office.
You offer her a raise, and all of a sudden you're snooping into her private life what is that? I mean, people all over, the world want raises.
Here I am offering her a raise, and she doesn't want it.
I'm sorry, he's talking to himself right now.
He shouldn't be long.
Would you care to hold? I never should have left you in charge of the coffee.
This doesn't even look like coffee.
Coffee does not have texture.
When coffee spills, you're not supposed to be able to pick it up and put it back in the mug.
Carol, would you relax? I can't.
Dan and I have been alone in this house all day, and he hasn't made a move.
So talk to him.
That's why you came here, isn't it? What's the worst thing that could happen? He can say, "you're right", I don't find you physically attractive.
" Oh, yeah.
Well, good luck! Coffee? Boy, it's really nice here, isn't it? Barbara, you've got something on your necky-neck.
Oh, no, not again.
I think I better nibble it off.
Well, if that's the only way.
She's got something on her necky-neck.
- Cream? - No, thanks.
Jack, what do you think if you and I take.
A nice, quiet little stroll on the beach? They're a very loving couple.
Well, that's good.
At least you recognize it when you see it.
What do you mean? I think we really have some kind of a problem here.
We never seem to be able to get close.
Not at your apartment, not here.
It's just that Barbara has this necky-neck thing, and I'm still real Tense.
Hon, I told you, if it wasn't for this lower back problem No, really.
Please, listen to me.
I've been thinking about this, and, Dan, if you just want the two of us to be friends, that's fine with me.
You just need to tell me that.
If that's what I've led you to think, I'm sorry.
I guess it's just that there's been this other thing on my mind.
I love you, Carol.
I want you to marry me.
It's amazing what a ring will do for all that tension.
Hey, Harry.
Brought the old laundry over for you to do.
What? Darn.
I thought if I said it real casual, I might slip it by you.
Charley, I'm not doing your laundry.
Come on, Harry, I hate the laundromat.
I'm out of shirts.
I'm out of underwear.
Please, don't make me use your pool again.
Boy, what a weekend! And do we have some major news! Can I tell 'em? No, Barbara, it's my news.
I want to tell.
Okay.
I can't! Somebody tell me! Last night, Dan proposed to Carol! Hey I'm out of socks.
Honey, oh, you must be thrilled.
- When's the wedding? - I'm not sure.
There's still some things to consider.
So You're getting married.
That's great, Carol.
I know we've had our misunderstandings, but I'm truly happy for you.
Thank you, Charley.
Just one tip.
Don't lift that veil until after he says "I do.
" No! Charley, what's it gonna take to get you out of here? Two loads of laundry.
Three Max.
Fine.
It's those two white machines, right? So come on, tell me everything! You know, daddy, I will.
But right now it's kind of new, and there are a couple of things I need to think about first.
Okay.
All right.
All right, so tomorrow you'll tell me what you've been thinking, right? Let's go, dreyf.
And, Carol I like him.
Thank you, daddy.
Don't look at me like that.
Like what? Like you know I didn't have that conversation with Dan.
Like, "how can you even consider this?" Well, one day, Barbara, you'll be 30, all your friends will be getting married and having babies, and you won't look at me like that anymore.
I was gonna ask you what bleach is.
Good morning, Laverne.
What the hell have you been doing messin' with my books? Well, I thought I would write out your check myself this month.
What do you think of that? Laverne, I put up with a lot from you around here, but there's one thing you need to understand You work for me! I am the boss around here.
Have you got that? Boss.
Employee.
And as the boss, I'm telling you you're getting a raise, and that's final.
No raise! That is for me, the boss, to decide.
Very well, then, no raise.
Good.
Fine.
You don't want a raise? No raise.
I'm sorry I tried to give you a raise, Laverne.
I'm sorry I tried to let you know how important you are around here.
It will never happen again.
All right If I tell you why, will you swear never to bring it up again? Yes.
Never again.
I will forget it immediately.
I cannot accept your raise because I can't start bringin' home more money, than my husband.
There, I've said it.
I hope you're happy.
I can't even look at you anymore.
Okay, all right.
That makes some sense.
How much more does he make? My god, is there no end to this? Okay, okay, I just find it hard to believe, in this day and age Dick is old-fashioned, and it's not so unusual.
I mean, there are only eight billion country-western songs written about this exact same thing.
And every one of 'em ends with the man gettin' in his pickup truck and driving off to some other woman who makes less money.
I must be listening to a different station.
Are we done now? Yes.
Thank you, Laverne.
You're welcome.
She picked up her paycheck I'm back in the pickup again oh, hi, sweetheart.
I just saw a great old movie on TV.
Something's wrong, isn't it? Is it Dan? All right, come on.
Baby, come on.
Tell me the problem.
I'm real confused, daddy.
I need help.
Do you think we could just try, for once Try to talk about sex like two adults, instead of like a father and a daughter? No, of cour of cour Of course can, dear.
Because it's not so much about actual sex as it is about sex drive.
Hey, I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I mean, I'm fine with this.
I have a healthy sex drive - Go to your room! - Daddy! All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It's just that Dan doesn't have the sex drive I have.
He's more In neutral.
Well, honey, this is something that really does need to be talked about.
But I don't know if it's as important for you and I to talk about it as it is for you and Dan to talk about it.
You do talk, don't you? Oh, baby, wait a minute.
Now, sex is one thing, but communication is what makes or breaks a marriage.
The thing is, daddy, I'm getting older.
I mean, this is a chance to get married To have a life with someone.
And it's almost perfect.
Almost.
I mean, I've dated a lot of guys, I know what's out there.
I don't know that I can do better.
So you're telling me you're gonna settle? You say settle like it's a bad thing.
I think I'm just being realistic.
I mean, in most ways Dan's wonderful.
Come here, sweetheart.
Let me tell you You know, many years ago, I wanted to buy a rolltop desk.
Daddy, is this going to be an analogy? Well, uh, yeah.
How did you know? Because it's another furniture story.
You told me about the dinette set when I was going to drop out of college.
The rocking chair, when I was considering moving to Atlanta.
And the bar stools, when I became a woman.
I used the bar stools for that? I mean, that's really more of an armoire thing.
Anyway, no, dear No, listen, now.
When I was a young intern, I had my heart set on one of those old-fashioned rolltop desks.
You know, the kind with all the drawers and the cubbyholes.
Well, I searched for a very long time and finally, I found one.
It had everything.
It had the rolltop and all the drawers But no cubbyholes.
But I figured, close enough.
So I brought it home and put it in that very special place I was saving for the desk.
And a funny thing Every time I looked at that, I never saw this wonderful desk.
All I saw was No cubbyholes.
Honey, you're too good to settle.
You deserve cubbyholes.
Think about that.
I will, daddy.
- Good night.
- Good night, baby.
Not bad.
Coffee.
Oh.
Thank you.
You seem distracted.
You okay? Uh, well, I've been doing some thinking.
Good, because there's a statute of limitations on ring-wearing without yes-saying.
I know.
I'm sorry.
No, no, don't be.
You should take your time.
But there are a lot of plans to be made.
Not to mention tickets on the concorde to be purchased.
Paris? Is that where we're going on our honeymoon Paris? Oh, god, Dan, I love Paris.
Paris is so romantic.
And there's so much to see.
The louvre, the champs-elysees, the pompidou center.
All I really want to see is the left bank from our hotel room window.
Hon, if all you want is a hotel, we could do that here.
But we don't Do that here.
You know, I hear Mexico is real nice this time of year.
I have a brochure Dan, there's no getting away from this anymore.
We have to talk.
Now, I think you have a real problem with intimacy.
Uh, I don't have a problem with anything.
No, you're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have phrased it that way.
We have a problem.
We have a problem.
And we can work it out together.
Hey, listen, I helped my ex-husband through his sexual problems, and they were with other women.
Carol, why do you have to over analyze everything? There is no problem.
And to tell you the truth, you're getting a little obsessed with this.
Now, can we just move on? No.
No, I don't think we can.
I mean, this is the first problem in our relationship, and if we can't work this through, what does that say about our future? Carol, we have love.
We have trust.
For most of the world, that would be enough.
It's not for me.
I'm sorry.
I need cubbyholes.
Gimme that sock! Gimme that sock! Gimme that sock! I just come from my fillin' station and they wouldn't accept my money.
It seems I'm paid up through the first of the year.
You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with that, would you? Well, maybe a little.
I think you will find the same holds true at your drugstore and your dry cleaners.
- Oh, lord! - Laverne, it's perfect.
This way, you get your raise, and your husband will never know.
I guess there's just no fightin' this.
Nope.
So you might as well just stop being so stubborn.
Well, I can't help it.
Well, I think you can.
'Cause you see, Laverne, stubbornness is a lot like A credenza.
Wait! Hear me out on this.