Fairfax (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

- ♪
- Welcome back to Fairfax,
ladies and gentle bitches.
Our top story of the day:
Brian of Off-Brian fame.
Kip, kill the montage!
['Manda] After 15 years
at Hiroki Hassan's
Latrine Fashion House,
Brian said, "Boy, bye,"
and has taken the fashion world
by storm ever since.
Dua Lipa, who are you wearing?
Only one person could have
designed this dress.
- Off-Brian.
- [gasps]
Why should your mouth
have all the fun?
- Dasani Nuu.
- [crowd gasping]
Water for your whole face.
[applause and cheering]
We've got a great
a show tonight.
- Yung Polluter is here.
- [cheering]
Stick around.
We'll be right back.
Oh, Brian, over here.
How is your relationship
with Hiroki Hassan?
Hiroki Hassan is so last season.
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪
[school bell ringing]
Oh, damn, bruh.
Brian's got me wanting to cop
patio chairs and water bottles
- like a soccer mom.
- Facts.
Bro, I heard
he's doing this Ikea collab
where he crosses a Fjardîng
with a Bigåraa.
Like, dawg,
I'm moving to Sweden.
Brian's got everyone
stepping their branding game up.
You see the Triangle emancipated
from their parents
and moved into
an influencer house.
[Derica] And Melody's
on the come-up, too.
She's got a number one single
on Spotify,
and she's donating the royalties
to Hoarders Without Borders.
I thought I was the woke one!
How am I supposed
to compete with that?
Beep, beep.
Who's ready
for a sleepover, y'all?
- This little boy is.
- Oh! - Ah, that ain't
We need to step our shit up,
or we're gonna get left behind.
I don't want to wait
for our lives to be over
Ooh. Oh, I'm a fucking genius.
Brianna?!
Brianna, it's time.
Announce the drop.
Ugh. Can it wait
until after dinner?
Brianna make chicken casserole.
He's a fashion genius, Terry.
The casserole can
fucking wait.
Now, my liege, tennis ball shoes
or the baguette vest?
Let's do the tennis ball shoes.
Hon, it's one thing
if he wants to stay here,
but when you start calling
your idiot brother "My Liege"
- [muffled groan]
- Okay, pop quiz, fam.
Who here runs
an international fashion house?
I know. I know.
It's my brother Brian.
And who here is the assistant
manager at a fucking Best Buy?
This fucking idiot right here.
Sorry, Terry.
I-I love you so much.
The next time I need help with
my fucking Sonos, I'll ask.
Why are you even here?
Didn't Dasani just pay you
a million dollars
to design their water bottle?
I'm reinvesting that money
into the brand, dipshit.
Now, Brianna, announce the drop.
[touch tones sounding]
Hey, it's Brianna.
Yeah, the tennis ball shoes.
Fucking drop it!
- [phones chiming]
- [people gasping, exclaiming]
[Dale] And
Uno. Man, I'm getting tired
of whipping you guys.
[phones chiming, buzzing]
Yo, yo, yo, yo! Fuck your
"draw twos" and fuck this game!
Surprise Off-Brian drop!
Holy shit! It's the Wilson
tennis ball shoe collab.
It's made
from recycled tennis balls.
Yo, upcycling is the wave.
Yeah, that's some
avant-garde type shit.
Great ankle support.
Who wants hot cocoa
and slipper cobbler?
- [Dale laughing] Yeah.
- Hey, hell, yeah.
- Slipper cob in the hizzy.
- Extra mallows
- for me, please.
- Ugh! That's it!
Gang gang meeting
in Dale's room right now.
This is unacceptable.
If everyone at school cops
the new Off-Brian
while we're stuck here
sipping hot cocoa
and playing Uno like babies,
I'm-a wipe my Gram.
Benny, you love hot cocoa.
I do,
but that's besides the point.
Look, we're big kids now,
and big kids camp out
in line overnight
to get the fire drops.
I don't know, dawg.
Fairfax at night is
a whole 'nother beast.
Are you sure
we're ready for this?
We got this, fam.
Derica rescued a fucking whale,
Truman's savvy A.F.,
Dale's a cloud scout,
- and I got the street cred.
- [Derica] Shit.
Benny's right.
We can do this.
The only thing we got
to figure out is how the hell
we're gonna sneak out
of this prison.
Dad, we're gonna camp out
in line overnight!
Killer idea, D-bone.
I've been wanting to take you
guys camping for a long time.
Uh-huh. Hey, Dad,
please don't be mad, but
I think
this one might be crew only.
[gasps]
Wow.
Uh, okay.
Don't cry. Um,
you know what? I-I got something
I want to give you.
I was gonna wait to give this
to you for your bar mitzvah,
but tonight,
you're officially a big boy,
so it's only right
we bust out the big boy tent.
Wow-wee!
There.
[clears throat]
Ah.
Uh, what's happening?
You know how white people be.
Oh, my little baby
is growing up so fast!
You know, son, I proposed
to Trini in this tent.
Now, that's real big boy stuff.
Oh, my God.
I don't know what to say.
I'm honored.
I knew you would be.
Just got a few quick rules
to go through.
Commandment number one:
big boys bring the tent home.
It is the most important one.
Commandments two
through ten: have fun.
Now get out of here
before we call your parents
and tell 'em
you're camping out unsupervised.
- Love you.
- Good night. - [laughs]
Hey, yo, Dale,
I can't wait to camp out
in the tent
that your parents fucked in.
Squash shit, it G Ma ♪
Scoo ♪
Underwater squad ♪
Scoo ♪
You dirty moma camo
[singing in Spanish]
Look at us, camping out.
This is some pretty major
big-boy stuff right here.
Jesus. Dale,
"big person stuff."
Y'all are some
musty-ass misogynists.
Kind of feels weird
on this side of the street, huh?
No, dawg.
It's, like, way cleaner.
- I'm a big boy
- Yo. Oh, my God, guys,
- we are next to Guy In Tent.
- [Dale hums]
- Who?
- Guy In Tent?
Yo, he's a Fairfax lej.
Did someone say my name?
Guy In Tent.
Nice to meet you,
my little homies.
Honored to be in such good
tent company, Mr. Guy.
- [Dale hums]
- Yo, Guy In Tent, is it true
that you were there the night
Hiroki dropped
the Latrine baby wipes?
Oh, I was there, my homies,
and I'm still wiping.
- [gasping]
- [Derica] Oh, shit!
May I present to you
the big boy tent?
- [gasping]
- Oh!
[Truman] Oh, my God!
Okay, Dale, I see you.
She works.
Ooh, ooh, finally.
Slippy cob time, boy. [laughs]
[woman] Holy shit!
It's Post Malone!
- Where?
- Let me see. - [woman] No.
False alarm.
It's just the garbage man.
- Ugh.
- What? - Damn it.
Uh, Dale,
where'd the fuck-tent go?
Oh, God. I broke
the first commandment!
No!
- Shit. Are you serious?
- Where we gonna sleep, huh?
It's okay. I'm a big boy,
and big boys bring the tent home
as specified
in the tent commandments.
Who am I kidding?
My dad's gonna kill me!
- [Dale groans, sighs]
- Look, not to be a buzzkill,
but maybe we should
just call it.
It's kind of cold,
and this jacket is
- purely aesthetic, so
- [Dale groaning, muttering]
Yeah. No tent, no food.
Man, let's just
go back to Dale's
and crush some slippy cobbies.
- Hey, lock it up right now.
- [gasps, groans]
It's one all-nighter.
I've played Fortnite
for longer stretches than this.
You're right. If we don't
show up to school on Monday
in the Off-Brian tennies, we
might as well delete ourselves.
- Ugh.
- Yo, Dale, look. Check it.
Maybe that security cam
caught the thief.
Oh, thank the tent gods.
Derica, you're a genius.
Of course. I got you, Dale.
We're gonna Dora the Explorer
this bitch.
BRB.
Yo, Benny, I hate to do this,
but would you mind
if I got something to eat?
I don't want to hang here alone.
Why don't you just ask
Derica and Dale
to bring you something back?
And spend $30
on a limp-ass turkey sando?
Okay, no.
I'm gonna be back
in a minute, B. Trust.
Cool. No prob.
I'll just be here chilling.
- [wind whistling]
- All alone.
Yo, yo, yo,
look at this little bitch,
still wearing
that Latrine bullshit.
[laughs]
What a joke.
[laughter]
Oh, fuck. [panting]
Hiding your Latrine hoodie?
Mm, seems kind of sus, bro.
Man, stay in your fucking lane,
Guy In Tent.
♪
Wow. It's so different
at night.
I mean, would you just look at
all these big boys and girls.
Hey, what are you kids
doing out so late?
Philly Phyll,
I'm gonna need access
to your security cameras.
Ah, sorry, kids.
Our cameras haven't
worked since '89
when the sex was dirty
and the air was clean.
How about some sodies
and pickles?
[in slow-motion]
Coffee.
[gasps]
Actually, you know what?
Hey, uh, make, uh, two coffees.
No, Derica.
You're on the list.
What list?
[Derica] Oh,
come on, Phyllis!
Sure, I had a couple
jittery episodes,
but it was a long time ago.
Bitch, I can handle it.
Normally, I wouldn't give
two Tommy Lee shits,
but it's a coffee moon.
Coffee moon ♪
You know what? Okay, fine.
How about a cup for Dale?
If we're gonna be up all night
looking for this tent,
he could really use
a pick-me-up.
Don't let her drink it.
[sniffing]
Oh, yeah. Oh,
it's the crappy stuff, huh?
Go ahead, Dale.
Dive in.
[stomach rumbles]
I got to go to the bathroom.
- [passing wind]
- Excuse me.
Coffee ♪
Hello, old friend.
Oh, I'm so hungry right now.
Hey. Ooh.
Okay.
Then I quit.
- Here, kid.
- Huh?
Quitting on Off-Brian night?!
Va Fangul.
Hey, kid, you know how to cook?
Uh, no, but I listen
to a lot of Future.
- Whip it, stir it, sift it.
- Perfect.
Come with me.
You're my new head chef.
Raul, where the hell are you?
Raul, this is
- Truman.
- Hey, Truman.
- What's up, my man?
- He's the new head chef.
We're back-ordered
up the ass right now,
so let's move! Move!
Okay, Truman, you're seen
Ratatouille over 100 times.
You've got this, bro.
- [goofy laughing]
- [Dale] You know,
a lot of people
don't like peeing in the trough,
but you really do
get a sense of commun
Hey, what happened to the?
Oh, shit. Dale, look!
[Dale gasps]
- My tent!
- Let's move!
A wop bop a loo bop
a lop ba boo. Yeah! [panting]
[crowd chatter]
[air horn toots]
What's goodie, hype beasts?!
Give it up for the main man
in my life and yours,
my big bro
by 15 seconds Brian!
- [cheering]
- Get up.
- Oh, my God, he's here.
- No way.
Up top. How we doing, Fairfax?
Damn. Hiroki would never
mingle with the peasants.
[guy in tent] Oh, snap. Looks
like he's coming over here.
[gasps, groans]
[whimpers]
You're not gonna have clout,
much less be allowed
in a Latrine store
ever again.
[whimpers]
Hey, Benny, right?
- Uh uh.
- From the Golden Dorito thing.
How you been, dawg?
- I, uh, been good.
- Oh, that's awesome, man.
Hey, if you need anything,
don't hesitate to ask Brianna.
You know, she's my twin, so we
got a little ESP thing going on.
Later.
[gasps]
You know Brian?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally.
- We go way back.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [Dale panting]
- Let's go!
They went this way, D!
[panting]
- [smooth jazz plays]
- [crowd chatter]
[Dale] Whoa.
My dad would
love this place.
- What?
- [Derica gasps]
- Oh!
- Aah!
Thanks, Diego.
Thanks, Maurice.
[gasps]
Derica, it's the plug!
Maybe Joaquin knows
where my tent is.
[gasps, laughs wildly]
Yeah, you should talk to him.
Look, I'm gonna snoop around,
see what I can find.
Excuse me, Mr. Quine?
Oh, hey, my little Padawan.
You come to muse
on the nature of tents
and their greater meaning
as a construct in society?
Hi. Would you be a doll
and hold my legs?
- Ha. Yeah.
- [Joaquin] various styles
developed over time.
Oh, hold up. Mmm.
Kohte, lavvu, yurt.
I don't mean
to interrupt the tent expert,
but I lost my tent, and I was
hoping you might have seen it.
There's only one language
I speak, and it's art.
Draw it for me.
I mean, sure, right.
I know. I mean, I haven't
championed a cause
into the spotlight,
but that's because
I'm spread so thin championing
all the coffees! Causes.
I mean, causes!
Yeah. No. I'm sorry,
little dude, I haven't seen it.
[Derica] Dale, Dale,
Dale, Dale, Dale.
Come on! I got a hot lead.
I know where your tent is!
Whoa. Nice!
See you, Joaquin!
Yeah, babe, it went
just as I planned.
He's my baby,
and he will always be my baby.
Like that Mariah Carey song.
Besides, I'm gonna
bring it right back.
I just want
to teach him a le
- [wind whistles]
- Oh, shit. The tent!
[indistinct chatter]
How you love me now? ♪
Order up!
Oh, shit, Truman!
Did you just serve
barbecue fettucine to Tommy G?
- Maybe.
- Oh, my man!
Oh, no!
[Truman] Oh, shit.
I think I screwed up, Raul.
Who's responsible
for the barbecue fettucine?
It's a hit!
- Yo.
- Truman, you're a genius!
Ten more orders! Stat.
Oh, hell, yeah!
Give me some, Truman.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hot behind.
You call that a pan sear?
Do it again.
Well, that's the thing
about women, Truman.
Forget everything
you know about Italy.
Remember everything
you know about Texas.
Here on Diners, Drive-ins
and Dives, I heard
a 12-year-old was serving up
authentic barbecue fettucine
on Fairfax.
This is Don Pardo's.
Oh. Ah. Money.
The first thing you pick up
is the smoke off the brisket.
It's unctuous.
- And the pasta al dente.
- Hey.
- Hey
- [Raul] BFFs forever,
- Truman?
- BFFs forever, Raul!
[laughs]
Man, being an adult
fucking rules!
[Benny] And then I told Hiroki,
"Monorail? What is this,
fucking Epcot?"
[laughter]
Oh. Goddamn it, that's funny.
Another bite of tri-tip, Benny?
- Mmm.
- Yo, Benny, if you're such a Brian stan,
why you got a Latrine hoodie
tied around your waist?
Uh, it's a a diaper.
You know, in case I need to drop
a deuce while I wait in line.
- That makes sense.
- Uh, wish I had done that.
If you truly don't
give a shit about Latrine,
why don't you boot that diaper
into the street, cuh?
Because I want to save it
for when I actually need
to poo, cuh.
I say he boots it.
Who's with me?
Boot it! Boot it! Boot it!
Okay, okay. You want to know
how hard I ride for Brian?
Check this out. Litter gang!
[cheering]
Yeah. Ha, ha. Fuck Latrine!
Truman! A word.
I need you to fire Raul.
Fire Raul?! But he's the heart
and soul of this restaurant.
Well, he's gonna be
the heart and soul
of the unemployment line.
We don't need him.
We have you.
Oh, do I have to, Don Pardo?
Sorry, Truman.
You want to be the head chef,
you got to act like
the head chef.
[Truman sighs]
Oh, God.
[panting]
This is it. This is the lead
that's gonna crack this bitch
wide open.
[panting]
[Dale] A coffee shop?
Wait a minute. What the heck
does this have to do
- with my tent?
- Nothing. I lied.
I just wanted more coffee.
Hola, brujas.
I want the strongest coffee
you have.
Don't fucking play with me!
The good shit!
Right this way, my pretty.
[panting]
She's here, my witches.
The prophecy has come true!
Please, D. Let's go.
Has a prophecy ever
been a good thing?
[cackling]
One raven's feather,
one milk of almond,
one frog leg and a
packet of Stevia!
[cackling]
Derica, no! Don't drink it!
Eat a dick, Dale.
I need the café con leche.
[groaning]
[panting loudly]
Ah!
[gulping loudly]
[cackling]
The coffee moon
is upon us, Dale.
You're too late!
[grunting]
- [growling]
- Oh, no.
She's a Dere-wolf.
[howling]
[crowd chatter]
It's just a hoodie, Benny.
Camo's fucking stupid anyway.
- [truck horn honks loudly]
- [Benny sighs]
It's okay.
It'll come out in the wash.
[gasps]
Aah!
Hey, you, you want to see
a little Korean boy cry?
Yeah, man. Give him the juice.
Kobe.
[yelling]
Make it stop.
- [crying]
- What's troubling you, my G?
[sighs heavily]
I'm king of the line,
Guy In Tent.
I can't help but feel
like part of me is dying.
Maybe it's because
my dope-as-fuck
Latrine hoodie was shat on.
Ah, heavy is the head
that wears the hype crown.
It was my first cop.
I became a hype beast
the day I put that hoodie on.
It changed my life.
Before that hoodie,
I was just another
basic Kumon bitch.
And look at you now, my G.
Chasing clout through the night.
Maybe I'm forcing
this whole Off-Brian thing.
I mean, normally,
I'm all about that new new,
but if stop to think about it,
tennis ball shoes, my dawg?
That shit is dumb as hell!
[crying]
It's so hard.
Raul, can I steal you
for a sec, buddy?
Oui, chef. Just threw that
Memphis dry rub on the branzino.
I think you're gonna
like it. What's up?
A couple more things.
I was going over my calendar.
Christmas in Tahoe is a go.
It will be an honor
to read a psalm
at your daughter's baptism.
Thanks again for the invite.
Oh, and, uh, one last thing.
You're fired.
But I made you the godfather
to my children.
- Uh
- Oh, man.
I don't know. I-I
I-I thought we had something.
No, and we do.
It's nothing personal, Raul.
It's-it's just business.
[crying]
Oh, shit. I can't believe it.
Hey, bruh, it's okay. It's okay.
Bruh, don't make that face.
[sniffles]
Bruh. [crying]
I'm a fucking failure.
Mm, I can't do this!
I'm not ready for this kind
of responsibility,
and I'm almost 14.
Look, Raul, you've been
a line cook for 22 years,
holding it down.
You deserve to be head chef.
The apron, the kitchen
is yours, king.
- I'm out.
- You mean it?
Oh, shoot, man.
I won't let you down, I promise.
Oh, we still BFFs,
though, right?
- Aye-aye, my dude.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
Now hit me with some of that
brisket fettucine for the road
'cause I'm hungry as fuck.
[howling]
How can I call myself a feminist
if I don't have a strong group
of female friends?
[howls] You, girls,
be my friends.
[all screaming]
[panting]
Notes of caramel, floral aroma,
intense full-bodied roast.
[gasps]
That's 100% Sumatra!
[low growling, panting]
[pants, gasps]
[growling]
Yeah! Got you,
you little Dere-wolf!
Oh, no. My big boy tent!
- [growling]
- Yah!
[grunts]
- [groaning]
- [wind whistling]
Seriously, everyone who worked
at Latrine was off Brian.
That's where
the name comes from.
It's not a compliment.
It's 'cause
he's a fucking dingus!
True dat, my G.
But to accept the new new
is to relinquish the old old.
Only you decide
where your allegiance lies.
- [vehicle approaching]
- Huh?
You thinking about stepping
out of the line, bruh?
Latrine is my lifeblood.
If copping Latrine is wrong,
I don't want to be right.
[panting, yelling]
[groans]
Ha, ha. Yeah!
- [horn honks]
- Oh, fuck.
- [whimpers]
- [squishing]
- [gasping]
- [Benny whimpers, yells]
[yells]
[groans]
Good as new. Dope.
I knew it! You'll always be
a loser, Benny!
- [booing] - [woman] You fucking traitor!
- Loser!
[grunting]
[growling]
[groaning] Yeah. Yeah.
Classic Spider-Man 2 situation!
No!
- [growling]
- [groaning]
Aah. Ah.
- [groaning]
- [growling]
- [groans, yells]
- [growls]
[Phyllis] Hey, Dale!
Saving Dale
Think fast!
No!
I'm vegan!
Saving Dale
[howling]
Huh? What? What happened?
That's why we have
the no-coffee list!
Also, that'll be $22.50
for the turkey I just wasted.
Hey, what's up? Oh, damn.
What the fuck happened to you?
[others] Coffee moon.
Don't ask.
- [booing]
- [Benny] Off-Brian is for corn-huskers!
You hear me?
That shit is corny.
Like a morning turd
after eating elote!
- Come on.
- Come on, bro.
Latrine till I die, bitches!
- Let's go. [groans]
- [groaning] - [booing]
Yeah, I am so not ready to be a
big boy, not even a little bit.
Bro, fuck being a big boy!
I ride so hard
for the little boy gang.
And how are
my favorite night owls?
- [soft muttering]
- You guys look exhausted.
Must have been some rager.
Hey, D-Bone, uh,
I couldn't help but notice
the big boy tent is missing.
I know.
I broke the tent commandments.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
I wasn't ready
for the big boy tent.
I'm not a big boy!
I don't even want
to be a big boy anymore.
But I do want you to ground me
for a year at least.
How about instead, we agree that
the next time you go camping
- You can totally come.
- That's my D-bone.
Now go get some Zs
with your gang gang.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
Little boy gang for life!
When are you gonna
tell him the truth?
When he's 40.
Hiroki Hassan is so last season.
[tape squealing]
Hiroki Hassan is
- so last season.
- Just say the word, my liege,
- and I'll destroy him.
- Hiroki Hassan is so last season.
Not yet, Tronté.
- Our time will come.
- Hiroki Hassan is so last season.
[evil cackling echoes]
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
Chirp.