Faking It (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

Last season on Faking It You know how I've always wanted lesbian friends? They're perfect.
Let's elect them Homecoming Queens.
All hail the Queens! Since we came out, everyone loves us.
Small problem, we're not gay.
Way to sell it.
I am overflowing with joy.
How did your mother take the news? Lesbians? Karma and I are faking being lesbians.
Karma is.
I'm not so sure.
Guess who's having a sexy secret affair with Liam Booker.
- Here's a clue, it's me.
- Are you kidding? - Amy is okay with this? - 100%.
Karma is in denial.
From now on, nothing but the truth.
- Deal? - I've got nothing to hide.
Then tell me about the pills you take all the time that you don't want anyone to see.
You've fallen in love with your best friend.
Why don't you just tell her how you feel? - I love you.
- I slept with Liam.
I shared a secret with Tommy, and he dumped me.
I should've told you a long time ago.
I never thought it would get this far.
Well, I told Amy about us, didn't go well.
It must be hard to break up with your fake girlfriend.
Please be dirty clothes.
Oh, [Bleep.]
.
Oh, [Bleep.]
.
That's what I said.
- We - Yeah, we did.
[Bleep.]
.
Amy? Are you up yet? Can I come in? I'd really like to talk.
- Go, go! - My clothes! I'm not going to let you shut me out.
Amy, I'm coming in.
I have been the worst best friend ever.
I had no idea this whole time that you've been having these feelings.
Must have been torture.
Yeah, wasn't fun.
Um, can we talk about this later? I am so deeply sorry.
I made it all about me and my crush on some silly boy, who by the way, now hates me for not being a real lesbian, so you two have that in common.
I don't hate you.
You should.
I'm a terrible person.
Oh, I really am not in a place to judge.
- There I go again.
- What? Making it all about me.
See? Worst best friend ever.
But I promise from now on, I'm all about you.
Tell me about the rest of your night.
Did you cry yourself to sleep like I did? I just I had so much to drink, and I have this crushing hangover.
- Can we talk about this later? - W Well, here, why don't you throw this on, and we'll get a greasy breakfast in you, stat? I can't.
Amy, I'm not letting you pull away.
We're spending the rest of our lives together, so we just We have to work this out.
Okay? Talk it out.
Okay, and we will.
We will, just not right now.
Is Amy up? I have to drive Nana home, and she promised to run interference.
I am not in the mood for my mother's constructive criticism.
I could go if you want.
Old people love me.
I share their values.
Oh, you are just too kind, but I could never ask you to Oh, my God.
What is it? Uh Uh, just saw the time.
Gotta run.
So much to do before we fly to Cancun tonight.
- I'll go get Amy.
- Oh, let her sleep.
She had a late night.
I can handle Nana.
Is everything okay? Oh, everything is perfect.
This is perfect.
Oh! Hey, we missed the sunrise.
Good thing there's another one tomorrow.
I see a lot of cold showers in my future.
Ugh! This is not happening.
I won't allow it.
Like she can do that.
- What? - You need to apologize.
But I don't wanna.
See, this is one of those times where you can choose to feed the good wolf or the bad wolf.
Fine, I'll do it, but only because you're so cute when you talk about wolves.
Millions of women have used the morning-after pill with no reports of serious complications.
Do you have a pill for my guilt? I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
- We're not here to judge.
- I deserve to be judged.
Last night, I told my best friend, "I love you," and when she rejected me, I got drunk and slept with her boyfriend.
Do you think I should tell her? - You're judging me.
- No, no judgment, I promise.
I just want to remind you that these won't protect you against sexually transmitted infections.
Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.
Hey, you.
Hey.
Um, this is my best friend.
What are you doing here? Don't be creeped out, but I followed you here.
I just I really think we should talk about last night.
- What's that? - It's for my mom.
They're going to Mexico on their honeymoon, and she doesn't want to spend it on the toilet.
Well, do you want to walk back together? We could talk.
Now really isn't a good time.
Amy, wait.
Bad hangover? Last night was a blur.
I know you hate me.
And I don't blame you.
I just want to explain.
Yes, I lied about being a lesbian, but in my defense, the only reason that you noticed me was because I was one.
Why didn't you tell me? I told you I hate lying, like, over and over and over.
I was worried that if you found out the truth you'd lose interest in me.
So instead, I lied, and Now you've lost interest in me How ironic.
Okay, um Well, don't worry, from now on, I'll stay out of your life.
Maybe that's for the best.
I've been up all night Come in.
Did someone here order an apology with extra cheese? I don't need the empty calories.
You're only doing this because of Pablo.
He has nothing to do with this.
Okay, maybe he nudged me a little.
But I went too far, and I do feel bad.
And I'm turning over a new leaf.
No more outing people's secrets.
Forgive me? Nope.
But I could If you can do something for me.
Is it a makeover? Because I have lots of ideas.
Hilarious.
No, keep Tommy from spilling my secret at school tomorrow and forever.
Then I will forgive you.
How do you know he hasn't texted everyone already? Because I stole his phone and melted it with my flat iron.
Oh, deal.
I got this.
Just need to borrow my mom's car.
But after you forgive me, will you tell me what those pills are for? You okay, sugar bear? You were crying so hard last night, I never heard what happened.
Why did you two break up? You should probably sit down.
Oh, dear, breakups between teenage lesbians can be especially brutal.
We talk about it all the time in PFLAG.
Oh, speaking of, did I tell you? They elected me president.
Such an honor.
Mom, that's great.
So this safe space just got a little safer.
You know, it doesn't even matter why we broke up.
I just I want to get her back, and I can't figure out how to do that, and even the Internet's stumped.
I can feel her pulling away, and it scares me.
Oh, sweetie, why don't you just show her how much she means to you? You're an Ashcroft.
We're experts at big, dramatic gestures of affection.
We are? Once, after a nasty fight, your dad drove me out into the middle of the desert.
Now, at first I was a little scared, I'll admit, but he built this huge fire to show me the passion in his heart.
He did? Yeah, not only was I deeply touched, but that's how burning man started.
So what have you got to lose? Go big or go home, right? Huh.
I ran into Karma.
I'm guessing from your broodiness it didn't go well.
We're done.
Finito.
After what happened last night, there's zero chance we're ever going to get back together, and it's all my fault.
Yowzer, here we go again.
Liam, enough with the guilt.
You didn't do anything wrong.
- No, I did.
- No, Karma is the one who lied, over and over again to get what she wanted.
Even I think that's selfish.
Other than her hair, I don't get what you and Amy are so gaga about.
Amy? Did I say Amy? I meant Jamie.
Buckner, the kid with the stutter? He thinks Karma is ad-adorable.
You said they were faking being lesbians.
Karma is.
Amy's so tied up in Karma, she's practically a pretzel.
Apparently she told Karma she loved her last night, and Karma rejected her.
She did? You have to promise me you won't say anything about that or about this.
This is what you need help with? I got him in there, but there's no way I can get him out.
Be right there, baby.
Oh, where the hell are my sunglasses? - They're on your head.
- Oh.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Can't conquer Cancun without these.
- I can't breathe, Mom.
Come here.
- Oh! Are you going to be okay home alone for a week? I won't be alone.
Lauren's here.
We're not going to come home to a crime scene, are we? That is not the way I want to get on dateline.
Well, I'm grounded.
I have nothing to lose.
Oh, honey, forget about that.
I overreacted.
It's okay.
I deserve to be grounded.
For the rest of my life.
It was just a silly dance between two best friends.
Now, you have fun while we're gone.
Just use protection.
I have a softball bat under my bed.
Oh.
Oh, well, we'll talk when I get back.
Love you! Mwah.
- This is kidnapping.
- It's really more blackmail.
We're going to take photos of this ass[Bleep.]
that are so shocking and deviant, he'll never tell anyone my secret.
Conveniently, my mom sells sex toys out of the trunk of her car.
Guys, guys, this is illegal and highly disturbing.
Lauren, how bad could this secret be? Ugh, I'm not telling you my [Bleep.]
secret.
She's not.
Trust me, I tried.
Guys, I'm with Amy.
Maybe it's a good thing this thing gets out.
They say you're only as sick as your secrets.
What? No, who says that? Who, the voices in your head? Tell 'em to shut up.
I changed my mind.
I'm on board.
This is America.
We are all entitled to our secrets.
Will you excuse us for a second? What the hell was that? "You're only as sick as your secrets"? I'm sorry, but the guilt is killing me.
Oh, this little piggy went boo-hoo-hoo all the way home.
Man up.
Look, it's killing me too, but what would it do to Karma if she found out that her soul mate slept with you? So what, we just pretend it never happened? What happened? See how easy that was? And before we never speak of this again, do I need to add contracting syphilis to last night's list of tragic events? - No, I'm clean.
- Do you have any documentation? The only girl I've had sex with since I last got tested was Karma.
- And now - Yeah, okay.
Well, you're Liam Booker, Hester's own Hugh Hefner.
- Karma changed all of that.
- Oh, really? If that's the case, then why did you sleep with me? Because I was hurt and angry and way too drunk.
What was your excuse? Same.
There's someone lurking in the yard right below your window.
Should I go unlock my gun? We live in Texas, people.
It's Karma.
I wrote this really nice song To see if I can make things right I know you've been avoiding me But I just want to end this fight 'Cause you're the salt to my pepper You're the moon to my sun We're like Batman and Robin when we're out having fun And we're gonna be together till we're old and gray So all I ask of you is please don't pull away Please don't pull away Please don't pull awa - This is insane.
- Calm down.
It's just a few pictures that will haunt him for the rest of his life.
Besides, we've gone way too far to turn back now.
And you two are in on this? I was just washing my sheets.
For no particular reason.
It's just been a few weeks.
Karma, I think we should talk.
Oh, I think he's choking.
You people are animals! Nobody listen to anything he says.
Go like this.
Lauren, I'm not I'm not gonna say anything.
Yeah, not if I rip out your tongue.
Why would I tell anyone my girlfriend's a dude? Ex-girlfriend.
You you And I'm not a dude.
I was born intersex.
The pills I take are hormone replacements.
You you You What exactly does intersex mean? Hmm? It means it's none of your [Bleep.]
business.
Open my heart and fill it with dirt 'Cause the filth from this forest Is better than you you you you you I did not see that coming.
Open my heart and fill it with dirt 'Cause the filth from this forest is better Than you you you you you you you - Hey, Mom, Mom, I can explain.
- No time.
I need to grab our tickets before we miss our flight.
And I can't have Bruce thinking I'm a dumb blonde this early in our marriage.
Seriously? I have a guy bound and gagged in the garage, and you have no further questions? I trust you.
Just make sure you've agreed on a safe word, something short and specific, like taco.
Oh, thank you, Jesus.
And make sure no one sees him leave.
To some people, two guys in one day might seem a bit - trashy.
- Hold it right there.
You saw him leave my room this morning? Don't worry.
It'll be our little secret.
Oh, I've always dreamed of us sharing secrets.
They weren't quite like this, but I can roll with it.
So I can have an S&M dungeon in our garage, but I can't fall in love with my best friend because she's female? We don't need to rehash all that.
You're done with that phase.
It wasn't a phase, Mother.
But that boy in the garage That's a whole other story, and it's not what it looks like.
And that boy this morning? - That was what it looked like.
- See? You slept with a boy.
That means you're straight.
No, it means I'm confused.
That makes two of us.
If you could be with a boy, why wouldn't you? It'd be so much easier.
For me or for you? Let's focus on the positive here.
You're not sure you're lesbian, and I'm late for my flight to the Yucatan.
Andale, andale.
What do we do now? Guess we wait till her mom's car leaves.
There's no escaping it Come on out, come on out, come on out, don't hide Look, I meant it when I said I'd stay out of your life.
Last place I ever thought I'd find you was Amy's bedroom.
You can tell me once And to repeat, I am so sorry.
What I did was unforgivable.
Please stop.
It's okay.
I forgive you.
Really? Yeah, we both did [Bleep.]
up things.
We did? What did you do? I I only noticed you because you were a lesbian.
But then Then I saw so much more.
I may have lied about being gay, but I never lied about my feelings for you.
Yeah, I know.
Come on out, don't hide You can come out now.
She's gone.
Thank God, it reeks of rotting Thai food back there.
Okay, now who wants to help me arrange these dildos? Now we're talking.
Let's go bigger to smaller.
It's more shocking.
Just dropped Tommy off.
Trust me, he'll be keeping his mouth shut.
Now am I forgiven? Do I have a choice? Now you have blackmail on me.
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
You know, I'm not going to tell anyone, Lauren.
None of us will.
I promise.
I told you, no more outing people.
You say that now, but someday you'll want to humiliate me.
And I will, but not about this, because I don't think there's anything humiliating about what you told us.
But clearly, you do.
You gotta work on that if you want to be happy.
What, are we friends now? Oh, dear God, no.
Thank God.
Tender moment over.
You're welcome.
Bye.
I didn't get to finish my song.
'Cause you're the salt to my pepper You're the moon to my sun We're like Batman and Robin when we're out You gotta stop doing this.
What? It wasn't that bad.
- The chorus is really catchy.
- No, I mean, with the touching speeches and romantic serenades.
It's like you're waterboarding my heart.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, no more of that.
Got it.
I just don't want to lose you.
We're gonna grow old together, remember? We're gonna sit on the porch and drink iced tea and talk about How you're doing it again? Damn it.
I just never thought that anything could come between us.
And then last night I rejected you, and now you're pulling away.
And I'm worried you'll wind up hating me.
It's not your fault you don't feel the same way, even though I-I wish you did.
You still don't? Just checking.
And I could never hate you.
I could never hate you either.
Everything you do to me is making me a victim Of your love, your life