Fleabag (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
I opened a cafe with my friend, Boo.
Yeah, she's dead now.
Thank you for coming in today.
That kind of thing won't get you very far here any more.
Oh! Argh! I suppose you should meet Hillary.
She's beautiful! Mum died three years ago.
Loo, doo, ooh, badoo! All right, Dad? Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our godmother, and eventually stop calling.
Did you take the sculpture? What sculpture? Martin's being lovely.
I am not drunk.
Always drunk.
Jake's her step-son.
He's really weird, probably clinically, but no-one really talks about that.
No.
I got the Finland promotion.
That's amazing! Thank you.
People make mistakes.
Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.
I'm just going to say this once.
He didn't try to kiss you.
He says it was more like the other way around.
Believe me!/f How can I believe you? Because I'm your sister! After what you did to Boo? I'm sorry.
I think you should go.
Can I do anything? No, thank you.
They've gone.
So Thank you.
This is a love story.
You know when you've done everything? When you've been all Squat! Squat! Squat! Squat!/font .
.
and You've even Do you want to have sex? No! Can I at least go down on you? No! You've done everything, and you feel great.
You're not even thinking about You don't even think about And even though your sister still hates you Thank you.
/fo .
.
you're pretending to be friends because your dad is I'm joking, he's just there Here's to love.
.
.
and engaged.
To love! Love.
Hey! Urgh.
Congratulations, you assholes! So, it means a great deal to both of us that you, that we, the family, are .
.
are all .
.
together here for a very special family, er .
.
gang-bang, um It's just, you know, being here .
.
you know, I know we've had our Cos I I have the feeling, um .
.
in here So I just want to say .
.
very much.
And that's it.
Oh, darling! Congratulations, Dad.
Congratulations! Cheers.
May these be the worst of our days.
Don't know who this guy is.
Happy for you, old boy.
Best decision a man can make.
Urgh.
You look well.
Thank you.
Right.
Wine, everyone? I'd love some wine.
Oh, you'll adore it.
I chose it.
Not for us, thanks.
Off the sauce! Six months and counting.
Why would you do that? We just Don't want to miss a thing.
.
.
enjoy each other more I haven't seen her since Except for Nice jumpsuit.
Thank you.
You look well, where've you been? Boots.
It's lovely there this time of year.
Oh, you look fantastic.
Oh, well, you both look gorgeous! Oh, thank you.
Is that fur? Yes, but it's OK because it had a stroke.
Oh, lovely! I can't go to hell for that, can I, Father? No.
Not as long as you confess.
Oh, God, he's their priest.
Then you've nothing to fucking worry about! Their cool, swea Love the Catholics! You can get away with anything.
A lot of It's an honour to be marrying you two.
Thank you.
I didn't realise you were allowed out without your little doggy thing.
Oh, sorry, have I disappointed you? Of course not.
Devastated.
Can I get you another bottle? Needy waitress.
Ah, no, it's all right.
We've already order Oh, no, really? I'll have another tequila.
I'll have a tequila.
Great, thank you so much.
Can I get a glass of sparkling water with a dash of lime, please? Oh, yes, I'll have the same.
Dream team.
You know the most fascinating thing about Father here, is that his mother was originally a lesbi! You do look tired.
Oh, it's not as exhausting as I thought it would be, actually.
She's commuting from Finland.
She has narrowed down her packing to a ten-minute turnaround.
It's Fabulous! It's all about Rolling it up, rather than Folding it.
I read about that.
Now, are you sure you don't want any wine? Oh, no, thank you! It really is delicious.
I admire you both so much.
Well, it's really turned us around, hasn't it, honey? Oh, so much more energy.
You know, in Finland Is there a reason that you're not drinking? He's an alcohol Oh, fun, my parents are alcoholics.
Oh, great.
We thought it'd be easier if we did it together, and I don't really like the taste And we are trying for a baby! Oh, Claire! We thought you couldn't have them! What? Why? Well, you just seem a little Well, they say a lifestyle change can help, so here we go.
That is so exciting, darling.
Thanks, Dad.
Good luck.
That's wonderful.
Something's up.
And now you have the money to pay for proper Ghastly without help, I imagine.
Tell us about Finland.
Oh, well, it's, um .
.
cold and beautiful and dark.
I think she might be happy.
It's a lot of pressure, but I love it.
I have this amazing new partner out there, he's really pushed the company forward I can't remember the last time we went away.
Weren't you both in Japan recently? Japan, wow.
Oh, yes, but that was just a little fortnight.
/f Don't ask her! Why were you in Japan? Well, the I was Oh, sorry, darling.
Oh, no, no.
Thank you.
They flew us over with the Sexhibition.
Sorry, darling, do you want to? No, no, no.
No? Oh.
You see, you think of the Japanese as a very prudish people.
Not to generalise.
But actually they have a very deep interest in sex in their culture, it's just hidden in the underbelly.
It's not allowed to come to the surface.
Fair enough.
They really The honesty of the Sexhibition The Americans, oh, well Well, they just took me in their s But the Japanese were deeply moved by my work, I think.
Weren't they, darling? Yeah.
It caused quite a cultural wave A ripple.
Wave.
No-one's asked me a question in 45 minutes.
So what do you d Er, I run a cafe.
Oh, wow.
It's going well, is it? Yes, it is.
It really is.
It actually is.
It is.
Can I get anyone any ice? Fellow smoker.
Do you have a spare one? Sure.
So, do your family get together much, or? Fuck you, then.
We should wait.
OK.
He's such a lovely man.
Yes.
Did you have a cigarette? Yeah.
I just, I wish you could've seen him in You know, they can't even masturbate! Shit alive, man.
Oh, sorry.
We were just saying, it's fascinating, the notion of a calling.
Yeah, well, marriage is a calling, too, of course.
Did you always want to join the priesthood? Oh, fuck, no.
/fo Sorry.
No, no, no.
I came quite late to it, actually, but it's been a really good life to me.
I've really found peace in it.
Is anyone in your family in the Church? Actually, both my parents are lawyers and my brother is a long-distance lorry driver.
How unusual! Are your parents successful? They were very successful alcoholics, yeah.
Better than you, anyway.
No, but beyond them, my family's literally crawling with nuns, so it wasn't too much of a leap.
Must be hard on the balls.
Martin! Not as hard on them as trying to make a baby for five months, I imagine.
Food good? This sauce is disgusting.
Is everything OK? Oh, it's delicious, thank you.
Delicious.
Lovely, lovely.
Um, darling No, no.
We'll just pour our own wine, please.
Oh, I actually love doing Thank you.
You can pour me some.
Oh, thank you.
So, do you do a lot of older weddings? I don't think that's how we No, this is my first-ever wedding, actually.
Oh! Do you know, I've always been so suspicious of religion, but I must say, I think there's something rather chic about having a real priest at a wedding.
Are you a real priest? Yeah.
Do you know, it's so nice spending time getting to know the man who's going to marry us.
Is that usual? No, but I'm new to the parish, and I guess I'm just I'm really fucking lonely! So I appreciate this.
Thank you very much.
New to the parish? Father Patrick sadly died, so I got the gig.
What did he die of? Just, um, time.
But he was a dedicated man, he was a brilliant priest.
Sounds like a riot.
He was, actually.
Do you know how we met? No.
Through Jake.
Creepy step-son.
He plays the flute The bassoon.
.
.
in the church band.
Just adorable! And Claire introduced us and we just hit it off.
Didn't we? We did, yeah.
They did.
She's donating a painting for the fete, it's going to cause quite the stir! Oh, it's just an old one.
Now, listen, um, we don't want gifts at the wedding.
I mean, it's enough that people slug it over without then expecting a gift.
So we've decided to ask people to make a small donation, to a charity of their choosing, in our name.
That sounds lovely.
Do you want to know what gift I'm giving your father? Oh, Go It's a portrait Oh, God.
.
.
of you girls.
Oh, God.
Um You mean? Together, or? I'd only need a couple of sittings.
Right.
Can't you use photos? No, because the lighting's never good enough, and if you're not very photogenic then it does you no favours.
And besides, the only photos there are of you two together are of when you were children, and you looked like a boy, so You never told me you had a sister, Claire.
Oh, well, we, um.
We don't get to see each other much.
Do you see your brother? Oh, I don't really speak to my brother.
Oh, God, how desperately sad! Why is that? Oh.
Um, well You don't have to No, that's OK.
Does he not approve of what you do, of your choices? No, it's not that, it's not that.
Is he not in the Church? No, he's not in the Church.
Oh, it must be so hard! Well, it's mainly hard Is it cos he's Mummy's favourite? .
.
because he's a paedophile.
Oh.
I'm aware of the irony of that.
Just a Just a breath of air, eh? Interesting man.
Mm.
No, thanks.
Darling, I'm sorry I missed your birthday, so I just got Oh, that's OK.
No, no.
I just In case you're struggling.
Oh, Dad, the cafe's going well No, no, this is not for work.
It's just for you.
Thanks.
You look, er .
.
strong.
Thanks.
Are you? Are we going to have a fight?! No, no! I'm sorry, no.
I just want to check that .
.
that you and I are Well, you're being very You're not being naughty.
No! Why? Oh Because, I guess Yeah? .
.
it doesn't matter.
Oh.
OK.
Is that right? I'm happy for you, Dad.
Thank you.
Ah! Thank you.
You're an exceptional waitress.
Apple juice? Yeah.
I I just wanted to say, I am so intrigued to see how you're going to make this whole evening about yourself.
Oh, no.
We probably shouldn't arrive at the table together.
A lot of people would say praying is just talking to yourself in the dark.
I guess it could look like that, but, no, it's more just about connecting with yourself at the end of each day.
It takes a bit of effort, but Yes, yes, I completely agree.
Positive energy takes work.
In the last six months, I've excelled.
I take all the negative emotions and just bottle them and bury them and they never come out.
I'm not sure I've basically never been better.
Us neither.
I feel fantastic! You're a very positive family, I must say.
Oh, absolutely.
/ I think it's all about positivity.
It takes real commitment to be this happy.
It's not just about eating and drinking well, either.
Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn't make you a grown-up.
Fucking does.
It's about Well, in Finland, we, um They have this saying, which I can't quite remember now It's, um It's about opening yourself up to the people who want to love you.
And she is wide open lately.
What do you do? Oh, I work in finance.
What? What? Across two firms, one in Finland and one here.
No, no, she's a lawyer.
I thought you were a lawyer? No.
What? I work with lawyers, I'm not a lawyer.
Darling, you are a solicitor.
I went to business school.
You're being so quiet! Why aren't you saying anything? What do you want me to say? Anything! What's that in your hand? She doesn't need to Birthday present from Dad.
It's a good thing, Claire.
Chunk of change? No, it's, er What is it? Don't know.
You don't need to I love presents, I never get presents.
Well, it's because you might It's a voucher - for a counselling session.
Thanks, Dad.
So thoughtful! I'd kill for one of those! I don't believe you can pay your problems away, I think you have to face who you are and suffer the consequences.
It's the only road to happiness.
Maybe happiness isn't in what you believe but who you believe.
Fuck.
Excuse me.
Oh! Do you think she needs anything? No.
That was meant to be a bedroom present.
A what? A present that you open in your bedroom, alone.
/font All my presents are bedroom presents, aren't they? Do you want some more wine? Oh, yes.
No, actually.
Claire? You've been ages.
Are you pissed off or are you doing a poo? Fuck.
Fuck it.
Claire, can we just Have you got a sanitary towel? Oh, no, but I know a waitress who would jump on that request.
Do you want me to ask her? No! OK, well, there are some sturdy hand towels here.
I could try and fashion something with wings out of these.
Yes, fine.
Open the door.
Fuck, just give it Fuck! Give it to me! Don't come in! It's a period! It's not going to bite me! Don't look at it! I'm not looking at your period! Just take this.
Oh, God.
It's not a period, it's a fucking miscarriage, OK? Jesus, Claire! It's OK.
No, it's not OK, you need to go to a hospital!/fo It's fine, I just need the Let me just No! Just get your hands off my miscarriage! It's mine.
It's mine.
OK.
Claire.
It's OK.
It's OK.
OK, we need to go to a hospital now.
Now.
Yes.
Come on.
It's all good.
OK.
Don't tell anyone.
OK.
Let's get the coats, I'll get a taxi.
I'll tell them I don't feel right.
OK.
Thank you.
f I've never been there, I get antiques from there all the time.
I still haven't gone.
Oh, really? It'd be a wonderful place to buy things like that.
Yeah.
/fo I don't like all the water Fuck it, I'm having some.
Sorry, darling.
Oh, good girl! Have one night off.
Wow! What did you say to her? I, um Oh, nothing.
I just, er Just sit down.
Come on, it's a party.
Can I have some? Oh, someone's suddenly getting into the party spirit now! Sit down! What did you take in there? Your sister is finally a good influence on you.
No, we just suddenly realised what a monumental fucking day this is! Drink.
Honestly, just leave them in there two minutes and they're suddenly being teenagers again! Shall I get another bottle? Yes! OK! Where's the waitress? We were just talking about Venice, and this wonderful trip we had How many times have we said we have to go to Venice? I've always wanted to go there.
Top of my list.
It's great.
Yeah, I know Oh, for fuck's sake, stop it! Are you OK? Yeah, I'm, er Er Is, um Is it? No, I'm sorry, I just Here we go.
Sorry, I just What's happened? Nothing's happened.
What's happened?/fon Something's happened.
Come on! Come on! Well, spit it out.
I just had a little Just say it.
I just a little I just What, darling? I had a little miscarriage.
Oh, my God.
What? Um What the fuck? Er How far gone were you? You should go to the hospital.
Whose was it? Maybe leave that for later.
Was it the tooth man? Hospital, n What about the bill? Sit down.
No, I'll cover her, I'll cover you.
She doesn't want to go! Why?! Cos I'm stubborn, and for some inexplicable reason I'd rather stay here and have a passive-aggressive party, so.
How far gone were you? It was VERY early stages.
You knew? I really think she should see a doctor.
Yeah, so do I.
I thought you hadn't spoken? She's fine.
She's absolutely fine! Drink.
If it's gone, it's gone! Claire What if it's not gone? It's gone.
Darling Probably ectopic.
Awful.
I'll pay you back.
Do you need someone to go with you? No, I think I'll just deal with this in my own insane, irrational, anal way, if that's OK.
That's probably for the best.
What did you say? Ignore him, he's been drinking.
What? You know, it's like a goldfish out the bowl, sort of thing.
If it didn't want to be in there, it didn't want to be in there - something wasn't right.
What? It's the kid's choice if it wants to jump ship, right? Now, Martin, just Either way .
.
she got her spotlight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck?! Fuck! Oh, fuck! Jeez Jesus Chr! Is there anything I can do? Fuck! Argh Oh, for God's sake! Can I do anything? No, thank you.
They've gone.
So Thank you.
Fucking hell Oh, hey.
I got your stuff.
You OK? Yeah, are you OK? Yeah, yeah.
If you ever need someone to talk to, or, you know, be there .
.
I'm always there.
Hey! Hey! Thank you.
Just tell him where you live and we'll talk about this tomorrow.
Can you take us to the nearest hospital, please? Yeah.
The priest is quite hot.
So hot.