Foursome (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 (chiming) [Andie.]
Last season on Foursome.
You learned that a foursome doesn't always involve sex.
Okay, my group of friends, it kind of does.
There's Imogen.
We're next door neighbors and this is her first year of public school.
She's adjusting.
Courtney, my brother's girlfriend.
She shouldn't even be here.
She graduated last year but can't seem to stay away.
Dakota.
His advice is top notch, and he's the gayest straight shooter at Brayer.
And Andie, me.
Together we make up my foursome.
Without my group I'd have to battle my big brother Alec.
Check in time, little sister.
[Andie.]
Who makes dating impossible.
[Alec.]
Get off my sister! But luckily I have my squad helping me break out of my little sister shell.
And I think it worked, because even Josh, my forever crush, started seeing me differently.
He even kissed me.
I can't.
You're my best friend's little sister.
I'm sorry.
[Andie.]
But through it all, bad boyfriends, epic parties, and heartbreak, we became closer than ever.
This semester is about to get a lot more interesting.
(upbeat music) That girl, the one who got ignored, avoided, and sister-zoned, she no longer exists.
Andie Fixler, new and improved.
That's right.
The rest of the semester you're going to be seeing an Andie full of confidence.
An Andie who knows what she wants, and most importantly, an Andie who is completely over that pussy Josh.
(lips smacking) I told you Andie, it's never gonna happen.
[Andie.]
Like I was saying, this is going to be the semester of Andie.
(lips smacking) Whoa, hey, you're my best friend's little sister.
I can't.
[Andie.]
Remember, you're cool Andie.
Fun Andie.
Confident Andie.
I choose Alec.
What? But not in a gay way.
No, what? Hey Andie.
You good? (sniffing) Sorry Andie, I just can't.
You good? Alec, Alec, Alec He's the best.
Come here, little sister.
Alec? (laughing) You good? (sniffing) - I just can't.
- You good? - Sorry, I just can't.
- He's the best.
(screams) (lively rock music) Trump, nice work.
Roland.
Don't worry, a lot of men can't figure out the female form.
(chuckles) Just ask my ex, Zach Bush.
That's if you can get ahold of him.
Josh, Greer, come on! You can swap spit on your own time.
Class is almost over.
Let's see.
Fixler.
Fixler? Sorry, sorry.
My alarm didn't go off.
Nightmare.
You know what my nightmare is? You, as a student.
I know we moved classes, but we're right next door.
I thought you could handle it.
Clearly I gave you too much credit.
Take a seat.
All right people, today's lesson is pheromones.
Andie if you're having nightmares, remember, I'm only a window away.
All right.
Pheromones are a chemical substance that scientifically attracts us to each other.
Men are sloppy kissers because they're trying to sneak attack their testosterone into their partners.
Pheromones, pheromones.
(bell rings) Pheromones are powerful catalysts of sexual attraction.
Men have four times as many pheromones as women do.
(bright chiming) I'm a Josh pheromone, and I am inside you.
(gasps) Miss Fixler, did you pop a hemorrhoid? No.
I, I've never felt better.
(bell ringing) Dismissed.
(door clicks) Uh, Ms.
Ebison, I never got my quiz.
Oh, yeah.
Um.
Here it is.
I used yours as a napkin.
(chuckles) There must be some mistake, because this says 80%, that would mean I got a B.
(laughing) That's.
I've never gotten below a 97%, like I can't.
I cannot let my grades drop like that, okay.
Yeah, I'll do anything, I'll do anything, I'll do extra credit, but I cannot have this happen.
I cannot have this happen.
Okay, okay, no, no.
My paycheck doesn't include this.
Find a tutor and re-take the test.
A tutor? (scoffs) Where am I supposed to find an expert on female anatomy? (buzzing) (gasps) What? Lace panties cause yeast infections, I'm being proactive.
Oh, that's nice (chuckles).
Woo.
Alec, hey, it's me, again.
Where have you been? Anyways, I was calling to remind you about couples therapy.
We really need it.
No sex in four days is unheard of.
Please show up.
If you don't, I'll get really emotional.
Okay, I'll see you later.
(phone beeps) Hey caricature of a white girl, quit pouting.
A B is still a good grade.
I let myself get tempted in public school with its parties and its boys and its lies.
I let myself get distracted and now I am just a slightly above-average student.
I have to convince my mom to let me go back and be home schooled.
Oh my gosh, I have so many questions.
(phone ringing) Is it Alec? Is it Alec? Is it Alec? Is it Alec? Courtney.
Why would I give your high school boyfriend my digits? I don't care if you guys are going through something.
Real talk, he's the worst.
Go to college.
Life lessons by Dakota.
(thumping) You guys, I figured it out.
How to wear a face of makeup? A home remedy for pimples? What? No.
- How to get over Josh.
- How to get over Josh? Yes.
- Oh.
- Oh.
At least one of you knows me.
It's me.
This time it's science.
There's an actual chemical reason why I'm still into Josh.
Chemical? Is it airborne? No, listen.
My mind knows that Josh choosing Alec over me and dating Greer Wayne Gacy makes him the worst possible candidate for a suitor, but my bod still gets the downstairs shivers when I see him.
Andie.
Guru Dakota will always be here for you.
Is that a smock? After completing my holy grail, i.
e.
being the only student in Brayer history to out someone in every grade, it's made the students non-stop PM, DM, and M & M me.
And as someone who is sought after for sexual advice, I feel like I could whip up a solution just for you.
No thank you.
I don't need a plan from you guys, because this time I came up with my own.
(gasping) All I need to do is get some new pheromones into my system so my body can start fighting off Josh's.
He's the last person I hooked up with, so I need some new saliva.
Let me put my saliva in you.
No, Courtney, no, stop.
- Ew, Courtney.
- I won't.
- Courtney, no.
- Stop it.
We're not having this conversation again.
But maybe privately we could? No, never.
What, are you gonna go lick the drinking fountain for pheromones? I would highly recommend against it.
No, Alec practically lives at the fountain.
So I joined a bunch of extra-curriculars that Alec would never be caught dead in.
Jazz band? Chess? Robotics? Yes to all of that.
I'll convince all of the sexually deprived smart kids that there is no danger of getting caught by Alec, and whammo, I'll suck their spit into my throat hole.
They don't even have to be boyfriend material.
They just have to have tongues.
Science.
Wow.
That is a solid plan.
I'm shocked.
Andie never has the ideas.
Backwards compliments are still compliments.
Science on three.
One, two.
Three.
Extra-curriculars, Andie Fixler? I mean, you barely show up to media club.
What gives? Have I made you unhappy somehow? Because I can change.
People can change.
Yeah.
It's for A segment? (groans) Phew.
(chuckles) I was hoping you would say that.
You guys had me worried there for a bit.
Well, I can't wait to see it.
Oh, and please make sure not to cover up the camera lens with what I can only hope is hair gel.
M'kay? Because that comes back to me.
Okay.
And remember, have fun (chuckles).
Later, gang.
(door thuds) Science! (clapping) Hello, Greer.
(rhythmic music) Anybody here? (screams) Hi.
(door clicks) If you wanna get aces in lady places, you better keep those eyes open.
I can't shut them.
Good.
Now, before we get started, I hate everything about you.
What? (garbled speaking) Oh, no.
(smacking) Ow! (exhales) Oh my god, is this really necessary? Sit.
(Smacking) Now.
Let's explore that tampon tunnel.
(groans) Thank you both for coming to couples therapy.
It's a little hot.
(dramatic music) Well, what do you kids say we Michael Phelps it and just dive right in? Yes.
Oh, just in case.
Not gonna be needing those, so whatever.
All right.
Well, you guys have made the first, most important step, okay.
Coming here, okay.
And now that it shows that you're ready to work on your little heart boxes, we can get to the root of the problem.
It's okay babe, you can tell her.
Courtney keeps making me do things I don't wanna do.
It's my senior year, bro.
It should be the year of stuff I wanna do.
Hot dogs, hover boards.
Not this.
Oh, I'm sorry, that probably makes you want to break up with me, huh? What? No.
Why do you keep saying that? - I don't wanna break up.
- Hey, hey, hey.
You said if I came you wouldn't get emotional.
Let's try this, let's get physical, okay? Come here.
Good luck with that, I've been trying for days.
This is gonna be another exercise.
Whoa, no lady, I gotta train.
No, you guys are gonna spend the entire day together and see if you can respect each other, okay? Then I want you to come back to me at the end of the day and follow up.
Would you like some mints? Wait, those aren't actually mints.
Those are just chocolate covered raisins with all the chocolate sucked off.
All right, go fall in love you crazy kids.
(upbeat music) Hey.
I'm Andie fixler.
Got room for another queen? I know who you are, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't stay.
I really enjoy not having a broken femur.
Don't be another pawn in the rumor mill.
Just because I'm not on the football team doesn't mean I don't know who your big brother is.
We could hang out tonight.
What do you want from me? I want your pheromones.
Science.
I know you get it.
You're wearing a polo.
Checkmate? No, please, just give it up.
Never.
I'll just suck on your water bottle.
It's not mine, that's Chester's.
(record skipping) (upbeat guitar music) Hello robo.
Please.
I don't want your brother around my robots.
This could be you.
(lips smacking) I accept.
(electronic music) (chiming) [Pheromone.]
I'm a pheromone.
(groans) Enjoy! I did.
Thank you for your service.
(claps) (sniffing) (lively electronic music) And this, it's called the? The endometrium.
Good, good.
I'm surprised you're picking this up so quickly, seeing as the knowledge of your own anatomy is shameful.
Yeah, well, it's not my fault that my mom never taught me this stuff, okay? She says privates are called privates for a reason.
Ugh, okay, honey bunny, bring it to mama.
Listen here.
My mom didn't talk about this stuff either, okay? I had to learn it all from my little sister's diary.
Really? Yeah.
Well then how are you supposed to know that the more that you soap your vagina, the dirtier it gets? I don't know, okay, no, no.
Don't stop soaping, okay.
Your natural odor is probably soup.
Anyway, odors.
They come from the whole vagina.
Excuse me.
(sniffs) Come on, science.
(jazzy music) Steve.
(saxophone music) Steve.
I told you, I can't, okay.
Your brother.
Yeah, yeah, okay, point made.
(jazzy music) (vocalizing) Beautiful.
That's a C flat.
Hate to brag, but I'm killing my plan.
Chock full of pheromones.
(record skips) What's a pheromone? Alec, hi.
Uh, pheromones are, chess pieces.
And moves.
I'm in chess club now.
Yay.
A club? I don't remember giving you permission to join a club.
Remind me again, what are you doing in here? We're supposed to be working through our day together, but it's impossible because your brother takes nothing seriously.
Sour information.
Sports, family, dabbing.
All things I take hella seriously.
'Cause I'm a savage.
Oh yeah? Well how does not letting me put a tampon in earlier help us work together or become closer? Tampons loosen your goosen.
And you don't need any help in that department (chuckles).
Babe.
Oh.
That was really insensitive of me, huh? You probably wanna break up with me.
It really hurts me that you keep saying that.
What? My feelings.
You're hurting them.
Nah (chuckles).
You're fine, right? It's probably.
Oh my god, we need to go and talk to our counselor again and discuss our emotions in depth.
What emotion should we discuss first? Sadness? No, don't do that.
You are an adult.
You are not participating correctly in this experiment.
(door thuds) Are they gone? (exhales) Good.
They were ruining the vibe in here.
At least he's not ruining my vibes this time.
Are you burning sage? Imogen's allergic, stop.
I'm trying to.
(sniffing) Does your breath smell like canned cheese? You know, like nerd kryptonite? No.
(sniffs) Okay, yeah.
But breath aside, I think my plan's working.
Yeah, yeah, that stuff's interesting now, get out.
What? Dakota, why? I have an appointment, and I'd rather keep it private.
You know, client privilege.
(door clicks) Guru Dakota, help me.
I'm in love with my neighbor and she doesn't even know I exist.
Oh, I brought payment.
My dad's a cobbler.
Ooh, I'mma look all John Smith in these.
Duty calls.
Don't judge me.
Fine, whatever.
I don't need your stupid advice, because I already gave myself the best advice ever.
Before I go test my theory, I'm gonna go get one last dose of science.
That's a metaphor for sex.
(grunting) - Release me before she cries.
- My wrists are bleeding.
- This was not fun handcuffs.
- I'm this close to fisting a wood chipper, Miss Cardigan, please, please.
Wow.
I take it we're having some trouble with the exercise, huh? That is an understatement.
Well maybe the exercise isn't the problem.
Maybe it's this relationship.
No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, we have been together for three years.
We're not gonna just throw it all away because of a little bump in the road.
(chuckles) We still love each other, right babe? (chuckles) I mean, like (chuckles).
You still want me sexually, right babe? I, uh.
We're gonna work this out, right babe? Oh god.
Oh god, oh god, okay, oh god, oh god! Oh, okay.
(hammer banging) Um, I'm so sorry, I just remembered, I gotta go tickle with the guys.
Wow.
(door thuds) I'd like to hear more about that, you know what I'm saying? (heavy breathing) (upbeat music) Time.
(Beeps) Yes.
(mumbles) Oh my god, I didn't think I could do it, but damn it.
I did it.
97%.
What? I got an A.
You got an A.
I got an A.
- I got an A.
- You got an A.
(squealing) (groaning) Jeepers, I didn't know I knew this much about troll caves.
Okay, can you just call it a vagina? I would never.
- I'm going to go call my mom.
- Mm-hmm.
And I'm gonna tell her of all the horrors that you exposed me to.
And that'll just prove to her that home is the best place for school.
Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
Good.
Hey, Greer? Yeah? Thank you, for teaching me what my mom wouldn't.
Bye.
Stupid bitch.
(door clicks) (cheerful music) Whoa, breaks.
Come on, we've been making out for 30 minutes.
30 minutes? Great.
Hold, please.
Okay, where were we? Dude, not happening.
All right.
All right, now let's get sloppy, Joe.
It's Pete.
Whatever.
This one needs to be for the win.
Get off of my sister.
(door creaks) You promised.
I am genuinely so sorry for what's about to happen.
Listen, I'm gonna be real with you, okay.
It's been a long day.
And I'm excited for this.
(nervous chuckling) Andie, I checked with Dakota to find out where you were, because I think your brother is gonna Courtney, my plate's a little on the full side right now.
Right, yeah, I know, that's why I'm here.
When Dakota texted and said you were in the band room I freaked, because Alec always comes here after school to fart.
The acoustics.
Anyways, I realized he was gonna catch you in the middle of plan pheromone, and I wanted to warn you, but.
Am I too late? Yeah, but you know what, it's all good.
I feel really bad for what's going on out there.
(flugelhorn groans) [Pete.]
Ow! I think my plan worked, and I'm about to go test it, so.
(door creaks) Ugh, thank god.
Finally, a quiet room.
You know my followers are some greedy needies.
They cannot get enough of my wisdom.
Mama needs a a break.
Well Mom, Mom! Mom, I can't hear.
Okay, let me just move further into the band room.
Imogen, what are you doing? Oh, hi.
I usually get really good reception in here.
I think it's your phones blocking mine.
Can you guys leave? My mom and I have our 3 o'clock gab.
Well this room is supes multi-purposed.
Your turn, little sister.
I have to go, Mom.
What, are you gonna shove a flugelhorn up my butt now? Maybe.
Don't change the subject.
What are you doing in my fartatorium letting that jazz boy play your mouth flute? Fartatorium.
Creative and gross (chuckles).
This is unreal.
You know, I actually thought.
No, of course not.
So stupid.
What? I thought that I could have one day where I didn't have to deal with you.
One day where I could just be a normal sophomore girl.
One day where I could forget that I had the world's worst big brother.
What? No.
I'm the greatest I'm all grown up now.
And you're either gonna need to get on board, or get out of my life.
Choice is yours.
[All.]
Ooh.
(sighs) Hey.
I just got your text.
What's up? Oh Josh, perfect.
Could you just, this is gonna sound weird, but come here for a second.
Oh, okay.
Do you just want me to stand here, or do something? Nope.
You're good.
(smacking) See ya.
Good talk.
(upbeat music) Way to go, Andie.
Your brother sucks.
You go girl.
(locker clicks) Um, what did we just witness? Maybe you're the guru.
I want whatever Kool-Aid you drinkin'.
That was incredible.
Your brother is still saying what on repeat.
Did the pheromones give you some type of inner spidey strength? Yeah, are you over Josh? Let's just say, I'm looking forward to the rest of this semester.
[All.]
Yeah! Want to be free I never had the chance to be me 'Cause all that I could ever could see That you're the only one that makes me happy I think I really want to be free I never had the chance to be me 'Cause all that I could ever (cheerful flute music) Put this dream away, Shaw.
Put it away.
And you're never gonna get much that way boy 'Cause you're never gonna get seen through me And you're never gonna get much that way boy 'Cause you're never gonna get seen through me I think I really want to be free I never had the chance to be me 'Cause all that I could ever could see That you're the only one that makes me happy I think I really want to be free I never had the chance to be me 'Cause all that I could ever could see That you're the only one (chiming)