Frasier (2023) s02e01 Episode Script
Ham
1
I can't believe he gets here tomorrow.
Where does the time go?
Seems like only yesterday
they sent us a picture
of our little guy frolicking
in the Spanish highlands.
Aw. Did you guys sponsor a kid?
Sort of. We bought a ham.
FRASIER: Not just any ham.
An 18-pound, acorn-fed
jamón ibérico from España.
Cost as much as a laptop.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Cool use of money.
Last summer I vacationed in Hartford.
So, what's the occasion?
Excellent question.
You see, when Alan and I
attended Oxford together,
we sojourned in Spain and
enjoyed the most exquisite meal.
Ever since, we've been
trying to recreate
that epicurean perfection.
So, in order to celebrate
40 years of friendship
Wait, is this story just starting?
Yeah, no, I have other tables.
Well, I hope you'll join us for Ham Day.
Oh, I'd love to join you guys.
Ooh, I'll whip up
some of my famous sangria.
Ooh. Sangria.
You know, perhaps we could
also pair our delicacy
with some cotton candy
and Rice Krispie Treats.
Staggering blow, Frasier. Well done.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
Hello, Professor Cornwall, Uncle.
- Ah, David.
- And a good Ham Day Eve to you, David.
(CHUCKLES) What have you got there?
Oh, these are liability release forms.
I'm spending the summer in Cameroon
tagging wild chimpanzees.
Is that just a
teensiest bit way out
of your comfort zone?
With the credits I have,
it was either a paid internship
at an ice cream factory
or dealing with hostile primates
in Central Africa.
Well, for you, that's obviously
Not an easy decision, I know,
so I asked Professor Cornwall
what he thought
and he said in that
quirky British style of his,
"Indubitably."
It was his certainty that convinced me.
Ah.
Well, that's a charming anecdote,
for your obituary.
- Another good one, Frasier.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
FREDDY: Hey, Dad.
Well, at least David consulted someone.
This one here chose to leave
Harvard without talking to anybody.
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
And that's not true.
I talked to a lot of people.
Really? You didn't talk to me.
Oh, nothing personal,
I just didn't want to.
I did get some great advice
from one of my professors.
Really? Which one?
Uh
I can't remember his name,
it was so long ago.
- What did he say?
- Mm.
It wasn't that it was
anything that profound,
it was just he was so clear about it.
You know, I-I asked him
if I should drop out,
and he just simply said, "Indubitably."
You told Freddy to drop out of Harvard?
I can tell you're upset.
No. Upset? Why would I be upset?
My son came to you for advice,
and you simply shared
your wisdom with him.
Thank you, I am grateful.
Ah, wonderful. Well, I'll be on my way.
How dare you?!
You told my son to drop out of Harvard
and become a firefighter?!
Which I am entirely okay with.
You could have told me
that he was considering
the noblest of professions,
but instead you hid from me
this rash decision
to become the kind of hero that just
makes my heart swell with pride.
I love you, Freddy.
You go to hell, Alan.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no. It's worse than I thought.
You're listening to jazz.
Obviously there are no rules
in friendship.
Why should there be rules in music?
(MUSIC STOPS)
Oh, come on, Dad, this is silly.
You and Alan
have been friends for decades.
Centuries?
Decades.
Which makes it even worse.
He knew that you were making
a life-altering decision,
- yet he kept it from me for years.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
How can I ever trust him again?
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Sorry to barge in on you
like this, Frasier,
but I can't stand
seeing Alan without you.
Mostly because I can't
stand Alan without you.
Look, I-I'm sorry, I-I just
can't face him right now.
Listen, I don't like
giving Alan credit, but
This might be the first time, actually.
But back when I began at Harvard,
this guy I just started dating
was moving to California.
He wanted me to go with him, I was torn.
So I asked Alan if I should stay here.
And do you know what he said?
"Indubitably"?
(CHUCKLING): No, he said, and I quote,
"Obviously, you bloody loon."
(LAUGHS) It was exactly
what I needed to hear.
I was supposed to meet
Christopher at the airport
the next morning, but I did not go.
Thank you, Olivia.
That may be exactly
what I needed to hear.
Hmm.
Wait, did I tell Christopher
that I wasn't
Shoot.
See, Dad?
Alan can be oddly helpful
when you're wrestling
with a big decision.
Hmm. Maybe I did overreact.
Probably because I still feel guilty
that I wasn't here for you then.
Now's when you say
that I don't need to keep
feeling guilty about that.
I don't want to tell you
how to feel, Dad.
Yeah, all right.
Well, that's a relief.
Christopher landed on his feet.
Looks like he started
a biotech company. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, good for him. He looks happy.
Although it's hard to tell
in the shadow of that yacht.
Come on, Dad.
Alan's your best friend.
Just talk to him.
You know, neither of us
behaved perfectly.
Why should I have to apologize first?
(PHONE DINGS)
Still, we do owe it to our friendship
to try to work things out.
Was that an alert
that your ham's just arrived?
Just cleared customs!
We got an hour to figure this out.
Okay, I'm headed to the station
to talk to some scouts,
I'll give you a ride.
Terrific. Come on, Olivia.
(LAUGHS) I dodged a bullet.
Look at this poor woman
with Christopher.
So bored, nothing to do but
sunbathe and drink champagne.
Does this look like
a girlfriend or a sister?
Well, they're kissing, so
Frasier.
Alan.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
- I'm working up to it, Freddy.
- No, the
This photo of me on your desk.
I had frosted tips for like one week.
Alan
I'm not entirely sure
that you completely deserved
all the vitriol
you may have received from me.
Shall I grab a pair of garden shears
so you can hedge your apology
a bit more?
I'm-I'm just hurt that you
didn't share that with me
and you kept it from me all this time.
But Frederick explained to me
that he was very grateful
for your advice.
You should know I would never
offer my counsel capriciously.
Of course.
Thank you for helping my son.
I would do it again in heartbeat.
And I would ask that you not.
As long as we can
trust each other again.
Of course we can.
Aw.
You know, people joke about
the true meaning of Ham Day,
but this?
God bless us, every one.
Speaking of, any news
on our little friend?
Yes, yes. He's cleared customs,
the courier has collected him,
and David is standing by.
You know, I received
a tin of quince paste in a gift basket.
That would pair excellently
with our jamón.
Uh, why did you receive a gift basket?
Oh, it's, uh, condolences
on my mother's passing.
I, uh, had to cancel all my classes.
Oh, your mom died?
Mm. Fourth time this year.
I'll go and check the common area.
Right. I'll continue the search here.
Okay, well, I'm gonna destroy
all evidence of Malibu Freddy
and head to the station.
What's this?
Enchanted Snooker Ball.
Huh, so it's, what,
like some British knockoff
- of a Magic 8 Ball?
- (CHUCKLES)
"Have a spot of tea
and ask again later."
Yes, I suppose it is. (LAUGHS)
All right, well, I'm glad
you two are friends again.
After all, today is a day for ham.
Not beef.
Yes, off you go.
Has Frasier Crane still got it?
"Indubitably."
Did Alan use a ridiculous toy
to determine my son's future?
"Obviously, you bloody loon."
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Delivery for Frasier Crane?
Yes, perfect.
Screw those guys. I made sangria anyway.
Ooh, is that the ham? Let me try it.
No, don't touch it.
My uncle doesn't think
I'm capable enough
to go to Cameroon.
So you're gonna prove him wrong by
keeping his ham safe?
Not just safe.
Pristine.
Whoa, quite the spread.
Uh, yes, Uncle Frasier gathered
all the fixings
for a Ham Day feast.
Crusty bread, Manchego,
dessert, sangria.
Sangria?
Well, after you left,
he realized he liked the idea.
That son of a bitch.
Ooh, an instruction card.
I love these.
We have to follow this to the letter.
"Take the ham out of its packaging."
(GRUNTS)
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
What is that?
It's called ambiance.
I'll dim the lights.
Why do you know how to romance
a pig and not a human woman?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Eve, what are you doing?
They'll be here
Oh, wow.
This is better than sex.
Okay.
Can you at least tell us why we're here?
Yeah, Dad, the scouts were waiting.
Why'd you call us back?
Patience, please.
It's a no-go on the quince, Frasier.
I can't Oh.
Ah.
Luckily, I have something
just as delicious to serve.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, welcome back
to the room in which Alan
changed your lives forever.
Does it seem like
he's gearing up for something?
Yep. "Gonna be late."
What if I told you that the cautious,
well-reasoned advice
Alan espoused came not
from deliberate consideration,
but rather from
an Enchanted Snooker Ball.
- A what?
- It's basically a Magic 8 Ball.
The so-called "advice guru"
is nothing more than
a charlatan, a, a fortune teller
with a pool hall oracle.
Oh, dear, that's Mother.
She hasn't been well.
Hold on! Hold on.
Are you telling me that
I dumped Christopher
my Christopher
because of a toy?
An enchanted toy.
I realize the optics aren't in my favor,
but I do have an explanation.
"Maybe start without me."
It's called
"revealed preference theory."
Sometimes a life decision
is so momentous,
it can paralyze a person.
So I gave Freddy and Olivia
clear, definitive advice
which allowed them
to finally move forward.
The theory says that if the subject made
the right decision,
their confidence will grow.
(VOICE BREAKING):
And if it's the wrong decision?
Yeesh.
Well, after a brief honeymoon period,
they start to feel regret
and ultimately realize
that the other path was the right one
and then reverse course.
Alan, if the answer doesn't matter,
then what's with the ball?
Why not just toss a coin?
Whimsy.
Works for me.
Here you go.
FRASIER: Well, it doesn't work for me.
My son
came to you for advice, and you made him
the subject of a frivolous experiment.
There's nothing frivolous about
the Enchanted Snooker Ball.
I've just explained that.
He was in a time of crisis,
and you kept it from me.
How many years did we barely
speak with each other
after that?
Why? Why would you do that?
Because you would've given
your son bad advice.
You would have completely
ignored what Freddy wanted
in deference
to your own expectations of him.
I gave him the strength to realize
what was important to him and
the confidence to follow through.
Well
that was not your call to make.
You've crossed a line, Alan.
I don't know how we get past this.
I hate to say this, but Ham Day
- Frasier, no.
- is canceled!
Half of that pig is mine!
Eve, look what you did,
now there's a bigger hole.
- This was my chance to prove myself.
- Okay.
It's okay, we can fix this.
I have a bag of fresh herbs.
How does you getting high
right now help, Eve?
No, to cover the spot you know what?
Just put it on the jamonero.
I'll be right back.
"Place ham on the jamonero."
"Handle with the utmost care."
♪
♪
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
Oh, oh
(SIGHS)
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDING)
This was on the card?
So, while we work as a unit,
we're more like a family.
Okay, who's got questions?
How long have you been a firefighter?
Almost 15 years.
Did you always want to be one?
Uh, no, no, as a matter of fact,
I studied to become a doctor
before dropping out.
That sounds like a hard decision.
Yeah, yeah, it was.
It's funny,
I was just talking about this.
Luckily, I got some great advice
from one of my professors.
A professor's kind of like a teacher.
Teachers are so smart.
Aren't they?
Also, this is kind of funny.
I just found out he got his advice
from what's basically a Magic 8 Ball.
- The toy?
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
Your teacher asked a toy
if you should be a firefighter?
Well
That's not funny.
You could die doing this job.
My grandpa died in a fire.
What's funny about this?
I-I said "kind of funny."
What sort of terrible teacher
would do that?
Did you go to the worst college?
It was Harvard.
You dropped out of Harvard
to be a firefighter?
Yeah, 'cause of the advice.
- Because of an 8 ball?
- A Magic 8 Ball.
Is that supposed to be the funny part?
- Okay.
- Wait.
Why didn't you ask
your parents for advice?
Do they give bad advice?
(LAUGHS) These questions.
Uh, so no.
Uh, as a matter of fact, my
dad's famous for giving advice.
What? That's so dumb.
Do you hate your dad?
No. (LAUGHS)
I don't hate my dad.
In fact, I felt really bad
when he found out about this yesterday.
He found out yesterday?
KIDS: What?
Okay, okay, we-we we can calm down.
It's not like my dad's
mad at me or anything.
I mean, he's super mad
at his best friend.
Why is he mad at his best friend?
Oh, 'cau uh,
'cause that was my professor.
You went to your dad's best friend
instead of him for advice
about dropping out of college
and only told him yesterday?
I didn't tell him. He figured it out.
He should be mad at you.
You're the coward who caused all this.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Who wants to pet Sparky?
- KIDS: Me!
Okay.
- (GRUNTS)
- You're not doing it right.
And stop eating it
while we're trying to get
Dude, I'm helping.
There's less to get out now.
(GRUNTING)
Well, at least the sangria's okay.
Oh, no.
All I am saying is that Christopher
Oh, God, they're here. What do we do?
I have an idea. Just stall them.
Hey, everybody.
Be right back. (WHISTLING)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Tragic news, David.
Ham Day is canceled.
What? No.
I'm collecting my half and leaving.
Uh, what? No.
Look, i-if we're gonna split the ham,
we've got to do this
as fairly as possible.
I'm, uh, ordering
a kitchen scale and a bone saw.
Should be here by end of week.
- David, just get the ham.
- ALAN: And hurry up.
I don't want to spend a second
longer here than I need to.
Agreed.
Guys, please, no more fighting.
- Are you okay?
- Not really.
I was just picked on by a bunch of kids
that couldn't make the soccer team.
Look, if you should be mad at anyone,
it should be me.
Right? I put you
in an impossible position
between me and my dad, and, Dad, I
shouldn't have made such
a huge decision without you.
Thank you, Freddy.
I appreciate that.
So come on (STAMMERS)
You guys have been friends for decades,
so let's just sit down
and hash this out.
No.
I refuse to eat jamón
with this mountebank.
Will you two knock it off?
This was 15 years ago.
You don't see Christopher
dwelling on the fact
that I broke up with him and now
he has to drown his sorrows with a woman
(HIGH-PITCHED):
who looks uncomfortably like me.
Anyway
maybe it would help
if you reminded yourselves
why this ham is so important.
I mean, come on, Dad, you've
told me that story a million times.
(STAMMERS)
There's a Ham Day origin story?
Tell it and take as long as you like.
That's actually not a bad idea.
Dad?
Alan?
(SIGHS)
We ate ham in Spain. End of story.
Come on, there's more to it than that.
How'd it start, Dad? You were, uh
you were buying ladies' sandals.
They were espadrilles.
A classic Spanish shoe.
He convinced me to join him,
but we missed the bus
and walked for three hours,
trying to find our group from Oxford.
Yes, which I rather enjoyed
because of my espadrilles.
But Alan was whining like a goat,
which seemed to attract a-a wild ibex.
No, the eye-watering colors
of your bolero jacket
attracted the ibex.
- That's why it chased you up a tree.
- Yes.
I was stranded on a branch
when Alan left.
I thought he'd abandoned me, but
But I'd gone scrambling for a rock.
Now, stone in hand, I launched,
knowing my aim was true
And hit me square in the face.
Yes, but the scream you let out
frightened away the ibex.
Alan helped me down from the tree.
We'd lost touch with our group,
so we wandered about
without provision, aimlessly, for hours.
And just as I was convinced
we would die out there,
we spotted a taberna,
rising like a mirage on the mesa.
FRASIER (CHUCKLES): And so we went in
- and ordered a bottle of local Rioja.
- (CHUCKLES)
And we feasted on the most succulent,
melt-in-the-mouth jamón ibérico.
And do you remember
the-the two señoritas
that we met that night?
Oh, those dark-eyed sirens.
Oh, they stole our hearts.
- And wallets.
- Yeah.
- And my espadrilles.
- Mm.
We called our parents,
they paid for the meal,
they yelled at us.
I told Alan's parents
it was all my fault.
And I told Frasier's parents
it was all mine, and
we've been best friends ever since.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
I'm sorry.
I never should have doubted you.
You've always been there for me.
I'm sorry, too.
I promise never to help your son again.
Well, then, that's settled.
I have to say, this-this,
this theory of yours,
it-it's the height of stupidity.
Well, not the height of stupidity.
I mean, it-it worked
for Freddy and Olivia.
They wouldn't change anything.
- That's true.
- I would change everything.
All right.
Who wants ham?
Well, I must admit,
Rodrigo looks delicious.
- Rodrigo?
- I begged you not to name him.
Where did you find
another ibérico ham?
I didn't, I just had some Black
Forest left over from the deli.
You think that'll work?
It's not like I remember it, but
- Mmm.
- You know, I agree, but
sharing it with you makes it okay.
Yes, it does.
(WHISPERS): Oh, my God, it's working.
- I can't believe they're buying
- Enough!
Stop turning the screws on me.
I confess.
To what?
I ruined the ham.
It's sitting in your kitchen
on a bed of shattered glass
and shameful lies.
Oh
What rash and bloody deed is this?
It was greasy and it fell in the cake
and then it got stuck
in the garbage disposal,
and then Eve tried to get high.
I and I'm sorry, Dr. Cornwall,
I know you believed in me,
but I-I can't go to Cameroon.
See? Theory works.
And if it's any consolation, David,
I never believed in you.
That is such a relief. Thank you.
You know, I was going to
make a toast, but my sangria's
all over the floor.
Hmm, bummer. We have my sangria.
Very well. Uh
Everyone, to friendship
to forgiveness
and to the true spirit of Ham Day.
Hey, Christopher.
It's Livvy. I've been thinking, and
I will go to California with you.
Freddy?
God bless us, every one.
("TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING)
FRASIER:
Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.
(CHUCKLES)
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
And a happy Ham Day to all.
I can't believe he gets here tomorrow.
Where does the time go?
Seems like only yesterday
they sent us a picture
of our little guy frolicking
in the Spanish highlands.
Aw. Did you guys sponsor a kid?
Sort of. We bought a ham.
FRASIER: Not just any ham.
An 18-pound, acorn-fed
jamón ibérico from España.
Cost as much as a laptop.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Cool use of money.
Last summer I vacationed in Hartford.
So, what's the occasion?
Excellent question.
You see, when Alan and I
attended Oxford together,
we sojourned in Spain and
enjoyed the most exquisite meal.
Ever since, we've been
trying to recreate
that epicurean perfection.
So, in order to celebrate
40 years of friendship
Wait, is this story just starting?
Yeah, no, I have other tables.
Well, I hope you'll join us for Ham Day.
Oh, I'd love to join you guys.
Ooh, I'll whip up
some of my famous sangria.
Ooh. Sangria.
You know, perhaps we could
also pair our delicacy
with some cotton candy
and Rice Krispie Treats.
Staggering blow, Frasier. Well done.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
Hello, Professor Cornwall, Uncle.
- Ah, David.
- And a good Ham Day Eve to you, David.
(CHUCKLES) What have you got there?
Oh, these are liability release forms.
I'm spending the summer in Cameroon
tagging wild chimpanzees.
Is that just a
teensiest bit way out
of your comfort zone?
With the credits I have,
it was either a paid internship
at an ice cream factory
or dealing with hostile primates
in Central Africa.
Well, for you, that's obviously
Not an easy decision, I know,
so I asked Professor Cornwall
what he thought
and he said in that
quirky British style of his,
"Indubitably."
It was his certainty that convinced me.
Ah.
Well, that's a charming anecdote,
for your obituary.
- Another good one, Frasier.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
FREDDY: Hey, Dad.
Well, at least David consulted someone.
This one here chose to leave
Harvard without talking to anybody.
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
And that's not true.
I talked to a lot of people.
Really? You didn't talk to me.
Oh, nothing personal,
I just didn't want to.
I did get some great advice
from one of my professors.
Really? Which one?
Uh
I can't remember his name,
it was so long ago.
- What did he say?
- Mm.
It wasn't that it was
anything that profound,
it was just he was so clear about it.
You know, I-I asked him
if I should drop out,
and he just simply said, "Indubitably."
You told Freddy to drop out of Harvard?
I can tell you're upset.
No. Upset? Why would I be upset?
My son came to you for advice,
and you simply shared
your wisdom with him.
Thank you, I am grateful.
Ah, wonderful. Well, I'll be on my way.
How dare you?!
You told my son to drop out of Harvard
and become a firefighter?!
Which I am entirely okay with.
You could have told me
that he was considering
the noblest of professions,
but instead you hid from me
this rash decision
to become the kind of hero that just
makes my heart swell with pride.
I love you, Freddy.
You go to hell, Alan.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no. It's worse than I thought.
You're listening to jazz.
Obviously there are no rules
in friendship.
Why should there be rules in music?
(MUSIC STOPS)
Oh, come on, Dad, this is silly.
You and Alan
have been friends for decades.
Centuries?
Decades.
Which makes it even worse.
He knew that you were making
a life-altering decision,
- yet he kept it from me for years.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
How can I ever trust him again?
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Sorry to barge in on you
like this, Frasier,
but I can't stand
seeing Alan without you.
Mostly because I can't
stand Alan without you.
Look, I-I'm sorry, I-I just
can't face him right now.
Listen, I don't like
giving Alan credit, but
This might be the first time, actually.
But back when I began at Harvard,
this guy I just started dating
was moving to California.
He wanted me to go with him, I was torn.
So I asked Alan if I should stay here.
And do you know what he said?
"Indubitably"?
(CHUCKLING): No, he said, and I quote,
"Obviously, you bloody loon."
(LAUGHS) It was exactly
what I needed to hear.
I was supposed to meet
Christopher at the airport
the next morning, but I did not go.
Thank you, Olivia.
That may be exactly
what I needed to hear.
Hmm.
Wait, did I tell Christopher
that I wasn't
Shoot.
See, Dad?
Alan can be oddly helpful
when you're wrestling
with a big decision.
Hmm. Maybe I did overreact.
Probably because I still feel guilty
that I wasn't here for you then.
Now's when you say
that I don't need to keep
feeling guilty about that.
I don't want to tell you
how to feel, Dad.
Yeah, all right.
Well, that's a relief.
Christopher landed on his feet.
Looks like he started
a biotech company. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, good for him. He looks happy.
Although it's hard to tell
in the shadow of that yacht.
Come on, Dad.
Alan's your best friend.
Just talk to him.
You know, neither of us
behaved perfectly.
Why should I have to apologize first?
(PHONE DINGS)
Still, we do owe it to our friendship
to try to work things out.
Was that an alert
that your ham's just arrived?
Just cleared customs!
We got an hour to figure this out.
Okay, I'm headed to the station
to talk to some scouts,
I'll give you a ride.
Terrific. Come on, Olivia.
(LAUGHS) I dodged a bullet.
Look at this poor woman
with Christopher.
So bored, nothing to do but
sunbathe and drink champagne.
Does this look like
a girlfriend or a sister?
Well, they're kissing, so
Frasier.
Alan.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
- I'm working up to it, Freddy.
- No, the
This photo of me on your desk.
I had frosted tips for like one week.
Alan
I'm not entirely sure
that you completely deserved
all the vitriol
you may have received from me.
Shall I grab a pair of garden shears
so you can hedge your apology
a bit more?
I'm-I'm just hurt that you
didn't share that with me
and you kept it from me all this time.
But Frederick explained to me
that he was very grateful
for your advice.
You should know I would never
offer my counsel capriciously.
Of course.
Thank you for helping my son.
I would do it again in heartbeat.
And I would ask that you not.
As long as we can
trust each other again.
Of course we can.
Aw.
You know, people joke about
the true meaning of Ham Day,
but this?
God bless us, every one.
Speaking of, any news
on our little friend?
Yes, yes. He's cleared customs,
the courier has collected him,
and David is standing by.
You know, I received
a tin of quince paste in a gift basket.
That would pair excellently
with our jamón.
Uh, why did you receive a gift basket?
Oh, it's, uh, condolences
on my mother's passing.
I, uh, had to cancel all my classes.
Oh, your mom died?
Mm. Fourth time this year.
I'll go and check the common area.
Right. I'll continue the search here.
Okay, well, I'm gonna destroy
all evidence of Malibu Freddy
and head to the station.
What's this?
Enchanted Snooker Ball.
Huh, so it's, what,
like some British knockoff
- of a Magic 8 Ball?
- (CHUCKLES)
"Have a spot of tea
and ask again later."
Yes, I suppose it is. (LAUGHS)
All right, well, I'm glad
you two are friends again.
After all, today is a day for ham.
Not beef.
Yes, off you go.
Has Frasier Crane still got it?
"Indubitably."
Did Alan use a ridiculous toy
to determine my son's future?
"Obviously, you bloody loon."
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Delivery for Frasier Crane?
Yes, perfect.
Screw those guys. I made sangria anyway.
Ooh, is that the ham? Let me try it.
No, don't touch it.
My uncle doesn't think
I'm capable enough
to go to Cameroon.
So you're gonna prove him wrong by
keeping his ham safe?
Not just safe.
Pristine.
Whoa, quite the spread.
Uh, yes, Uncle Frasier gathered
all the fixings
for a Ham Day feast.
Crusty bread, Manchego,
dessert, sangria.
Sangria?
Well, after you left,
he realized he liked the idea.
That son of a bitch.
Ooh, an instruction card.
I love these.
We have to follow this to the letter.
"Take the ham out of its packaging."
(GRUNTS)
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
What is that?
It's called ambiance.
I'll dim the lights.
Why do you know how to romance
a pig and not a human woman?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Eve, what are you doing?
They'll be here
Oh, wow.
This is better than sex.
Okay.
Can you at least tell us why we're here?
Yeah, Dad, the scouts were waiting.
Why'd you call us back?
Patience, please.
It's a no-go on the quince, Frasier.
I can't Oh.
Ah.
Luckily, I have something
just as delicious to serve.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, welcome back
to the room in which Alan
changed your lives forever.
Does it seem like
he's gearing up for something?
Yep. "Gonna be late."
What if I told you that the cautious,
well-reasoned advice
Alan espoused came not
from deliberate consideration,
but rather from
an Enchanted Snooker Ball.
- A what?
- It's basically a Magic 8 Ball.
The so-called "advice guru"
is nothing more than
a charlatan, a, a fortune teller
with a pool hall oracle.
Oh, dear, that's Mother.
She hasn't been well.
Hold on! Hold on.
Are you telling me that
I dumped Christopher
my Christopher
because of a toy?
An enchanted toy.
I realize the optics aren't in my favor,
but I do have an explanation.
"Maybe start without me."
It's called
"revealed preference theory."
Sometimes a life decision
is so momentous,
it can paralyze a person.
So I gave Freddy and Olivia
clear, definitive advice
which allowed them
to finally move forward.
The theory says that if the subject made
the right decision,
their confidence will grow.
(VOICE BREAKING):
And if it's the wrong decision?
Yeesh.
Well, after a brief honeymoon period,
they start to feel regret
and ultimately realize
that the other path was the right one
and then reverse course.
Alan, if the answer doesn't matter,
then what's with the ball?
Why not just toss a coin?
Whimsy.
Works for me.
Here you go.
FRASIER: Well, it doesn't work for me.
My son
came to you for advice, and you made him
the subject of a frivolous experiment.
There's nothing frivolous about
the Enchanted Snooker Ball.
I've just explained that.
He was in a time of crisis,
and you kept it from me.
How many years did we barely
speak with each other
after that?
Why? Why would you do that?
Because you would've given
your son bad advice.
You would have completely
ignored what Freddy wanted
in deference
to your own expectations of him.
I gave him the strength to realize
what was important to him and
the confidence to follow through.
Well
that was not your call to make.
You've crossed a line, Alan.
I don't know how we get past this.
I hate to say this, but Ham Day
- Frasier, no.
- is canceled!
Half of that pig is mine!
Eve, look what you did,
now there's a bigger hole.
- This was my chance to prove myself.
- Okay.
It's okay, we can fix this.
I have a bag of fresh herbs.
How does you getting high
right now help, Eve?
No, to cover the spot you know what?
Just put it on the jamonero.
I'll be right back.
"Place ham on the jamonero."
"Handle with the utmost care."
♪
♪
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
Oh, oh
(SIGHS)
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDING)
This was on the card?
So, while we work as a unit,
we're more like a family.
Okay, who's got questions?
How long have you been a firefighter?
Almost 15 years.
Did you always want to be one?
Uh, no, no, as a matter of fact,
I studied to become a doctor
before dropping out.
That sounds like a hard decision.
Yeah, yeah, it was.
It's funny,
I was just talking about this.
Luckily, I got some great advice
from one of my professors.
A professor's kind of like a teacher.
Teachers are so smart.
Aren't they?
Also, this is kind of funny.
I just found out he got his advice
from what's basically a Magic 8 Ball.
- The toy?
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
Your teacher asked a toy
if you should be a firefighter?
Well
That's not funny.
You could die doing this job.
My grandpa died in a fire.
What's funny about this?
I-I said "kind of funny."
What sort of terrible teacher
would do that?
Did you go to the worst college?
It was Harvard.
You dropped out of Harvard
to be a firefighter?
Yeah, 'cause of the advice.
- Because of an 8 ball?
- A Magic 8 Ball.
Is that supposed to be the funny part?
- Okay.
- Wait.
Why didn't you ask
your parents for advice?
Do they give bad advice?
(LAUGHS) These questions.
Uh, so no.
Uh, as a matter of fact, my
dad's famous for giving advice.
What? That's so dumb.
Do you hate your dad?
No. (LAUGHS)
I don't hate my dad.
In fact, I felt really bad
when he found out about this yesterday.
He found out yesterday?
KIDS: What?
Okay, okay, we-we we can calm down.
It's not like my dad's
mad at me or anything.
I mean, he's super mad
at his best friend.
Why is he mad at his best friend?
Oh, 'cau uh,
'cause that was my professor.
You went to your dad's best friend
instead of him for advice
about dropping out of college
and only told him yesterday?
I didn't tell him. He figured it out.
He should be mad at you.
You're the coward who caused all this.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Who wants to pet Sparky?
- KIDS: Me!
Okay.
- (GRUNTS)
- You're not doing it right.
And stop eating it
while we're trying to get
Dude, I'm helping.
There's less to get out now.
(GRUNTING)
Well, at least the sangria's okay.
Oh, no.
All I am saying is that Christopher
Oh, God, they're here. What do we do?
I have an idea. Just stall them.
Hey, everybody.
Be right back. (WHISTLING)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Tragic news, David.
Ham Day is canceled.
What? No.
I'm collecting my half and leaving.
Uh, what? No.
Look, i-if we're gonna split the ham,
we've got to do this
as fairly as possible.
I'm, uh, ordering
a kitchen scale and a bone saw.
Should be here by end of week.
- David, just get the ham.
- ALAN: And hurry up.
I don't want to spend a second
longer here than I need to.
Agreed.
Guys, please, no more fighting.
- Are you okay?
- Not really.
I was just picked on by a bunch of kids
that couldn't make the soccer team.
Look, if you should be mad at anyone,
it should be me.
Right? I put you
in an impossible position
between me and my dad, and, Dad, I
shouldn't have made such
a huge decision without you.
Thank you, Freddy.
I appreciate that.
So come on (STAMMERS)
You guys have been friends for decades,
so let's just sit down
and hash this out.
No.
I refuse to eat jamón
with this mountebank.
Will you two knock it off?
This was 15 years ago.
You don't see Christopher
dwelling on the fact
that I broke up with him and now
he has to drown his sorrows with a woman
(HIGH-PITCHED):
who looks uncomfortably like me.
Anyway
maybe it would help
if you reminded yourselves
why this ham is so important.
I mean, come on, Dad, you've
told me that story a million times.
(STAMMERS)
There's a Ham Day origin story?
Tell it and take as long as you like.
That's actually not a bad idea.
Dad?
Alan?
(SIGHS)
We ate ham in Spain. End of story.
Come on, there's more to it than that.
How'd it start, Dad? You were, uh
you were buying ladies' sandals.
They were espadrilles.
A classic Spanish shoe.
He convinced me to join him,
but we missed the bus
and walked for three hours,
trying to find our group from Oxford.
Yes, which I rather enjoyed
because of my espadrilles.
But Alan was whining like a goat,
which seemed to attract a-a wild ibex.
No, the eye-watering colors
of your bolero jacket
attracted the ibex.
- That's why it chased you up a tree.
- Yes.
I was stranded on a branch
when Alan left.
I thought he'd abandoned me, but
But I'd gone scrambling for a rock.
Now, stone in hand, I launched,
knowing my aim was true
And hit me square in the face.
Yes, but the scream you let out
frightened away the ibex.
Alan helped me down from the tree.
We'd lost touch with our group,
so we wandered about
without provision, aimlessly, for hours.
And just as I was convinced
we would die out there,
we spotted a taberna,
rising like a mirage on the mesa.
FRASIER (CHUCKLES): And so we went in
- and ordered a bottle of local Rioja.
- (CHUCKLES)
And we feasted on the most succulent,
melt-in-the-mouth jamón ibérico.
And do you remember
the-the two señoritas
that we met that night?
Oh, those dark-eyed sirens.
Oh, they stole our hearts.
- And wallets.
- Yeah.
- And my espadrilles.
- Mm.
We called our parents,
they paid for the meal,
they yelled at us.
I told Alan's parents
it was all my fault.
And I told Frasier's parents
it was all mine, and
we've been best friends ever since.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
I'm sorry.
I never should have doubted you.
You've always been there for me.
I'm sorry, too.
I promise never to help your son again.
Well, then, that's settled.
I have to say, this-this,
this theory of yours,
it-it's the height of stupidity.
Well, not the height of stupidity.
I mean, it-it worked
for Freddy and Olivia.
They wouldn't change anything.
- That's true.
- I would change everything.
All right.
Who wants ham?
Well, I must admit,
Rodrigo looks delicious.
- Rodrigo?
- I begged you not to name him.
Where did you find
another ibérico ham?
I didn't, I just had some Black
Forest left over from the deli.
You think that'll work?
It's not like I remember it, but
- Mmm.
- You know, I agree, but
sharing it with you makes it okay.
Yes, it does.
(WHISPERS): Oh, my God, it's working.
- I can't believe they're buying
- Enough!
Stop turning the screws on me.
I confess.
To what?
I ruined the ham.
It's sitting in your kitchen
on a bed of shattered glass
and shameful lies.
Oh
What rash and bloody deed is this?
It was greasy and it fell in the cake
and then it got stuck
in the garbage disposal,
and then Eve tried to get high.
I and I'm sorry, Dr. Cornwall,
I know you believed in me,
but I-I can't go to Cameroon.
See? Theory works.
And if it's any consolation, David,
I never believed in you.
That is such a relief. Thank you.
You know, I was going to
make a toast, but my sangria's
all over the floor.
Hmm, bummer. We have my sangria.
Very well. Uh
Everyone, to friendship
to forgiveness
and to the true spirit of Ham Day.
Hey, Christopher.
It's Livvy. I've been thinking, and
I will go to California with you.
Freddy?
God bless us, every one.
("TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING)
FRASIER:
Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.
(CHUCKLES)
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
And a happy Ham Day to all.