Funny Woman (2023) s02e01 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 1
1
This programme contains
strong language and adult themes.
NEWSREEL: From starry-eyed sirens
to sparkling sights of another kind,
all through the year
the work goes on
all through the year
the work goes on
for the biggest day
in the town's calendar.
35,000 coloured lamps will shimmer
and shine in splendour.
No, sir, not Christmas,
not Bonfire Night
No, sir, not Christmas,
not Bonfire Night
the Blackpool Illuminations.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING) But the
question on everyone's lips is
who is this year's celebrity
to do the big switch on?
who is this year's celebrity
to do the big switch on?
# THE TREMELOES: Here Comes My Baby
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
Oh, my God!
(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)
Oh, my God!
(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)
# He's walking along that lonely mile
# He's walking along that lonely mile
# And every time I do
# I keep seeing this picture
Of you
# I keep seeing this picture
Of you
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SHUTTERS CLICK)
Come on! Let's have a family shot!
# Here comes my baby
# Here she comes now
# Here she comes now
# Walking with her love
With her love #
Smile, everyone.
She's the star of Jim and Barbara,
She's the star of Jim and Barbara,
so let's all stamp our feet
and shout
as loud as our Lancashire lungs
will let us
for Miss Sophie Straw!
for Miss Sophie Straw!
(CHEERING)
Ey up, cockers!
Ey up, cockers!
By heck, it's good to be back.
(LAUGHTER)
When I was little,
the highlight of my year was watching
these lights get switched on.
Do you remember George Formby
tickling his banjulele?
Do you remember George Formby
tickling his banjulele?
And who can forget
the gorgeous Hollywood star
Jayne Mansfield?
the gorgeous Hollywood star
Jayne Mansfield?
(OOHING)
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Bucket of ice for Mr Mayor.
(LAUGHTER)
I hardly dared dream
that one day it would be me up here.
I hardly dared dream
that one day it would be me up here.
But here I am!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Now, shall we get on with it?
(CHEERING)
How's your counting?
(CHEERING)
How's your counting?
ALL: Five, four
two, three, one! (LAUGHS)
two, three, one! (LAUGHS)
(CHEERING)
# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:
I Only Want To Be With You
# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:
I Only Want To Be With You
# I don't know what it is
That makes me love you so
# I don't know what it is
That makes me love you so
# I only know
I never want to let you go
# Cos you started something
Oh, can't you see?
# Cos you started something
Oh, can't you see?
# That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me
# It happens to be true
# It happens to be true
# I only want to be with you
# It doesn't matter where you go
Or what you do
# It doesn't matter where you go
Or what you do
# I want to spend each moment
Of the day with you
# Well, look what has happened
With just one kiss
# I never knew
That I could be in love like this
# I never knew
That I could be in love like this
# It's crazy but it's true
# I only want to be with you #
# I only want to be with you #
(RATTLES)
Ta-da.
Ta-da.
(THEATRICALLY) Ta-da!
(GASPS)
(THEATRICALLY) Ta-da!
(GASPS)
Oh, that Flatley dryer's got to go.
It's like sticking your head
in a concrete mixer.
I preferred it festooned
with Marjorie's damp pants,
I preferred it festooned
with Marjorie's damp pants,
like gusset-y bunting.
Mwah.
Oh, get away, go on, yer!
Jesus, that's a big lad.
Jesus, that's a big lad.
So, how was it, then?
How was the Blackpool lights?
Were there thousands of adoring fans
screaming your name?
Were there thousands of adoring fans
screaming your name?
Did you not see it on the news?
Oh, did we not see that one?
No, I missed that.
(CHUCKLES)
Bog off. It's an honour to be asked.
Bog off. It's an honour to be asked.
Did they turn up, then? Your family?
Family? It's more like
a bag of broken biscuits.
Right, well,
Marj's special tea it is, then.
Sign this.
Andkiss that.
Andkiss that.
(LAUGHS) Mwah!
Diane.
Thank you.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Here she is, lady bountiful.
Spread the wealth.
Diane's just helping me out
until she finds some proper work.
Actually, I started a new
secretarial job on Thursday.
Actually, I started a new
secretarial job on Thursday.
Oh, that's great.
I got fired on
Friday
for not having sex with the boss.
Friday
for not having sex with the boss.
Dirty dog.
Did you report him?
To who?
Well, we've been having
these meetings at work
Well, we've been having
these meetings at work
talking about better
working conditions and equal pay.
Yeah, like that'll ever happen.Maybe
that's a feature piece I could sell.
Well, yeah,
instead of sitting round here,
Well, yeah,
instead of sitting round here,
replying to madame's
creepy fan mail.
My fans are lovely.
Oh, lovely?!
This one has sent you
a bit of his
This one has sent you
a bit of his
down-there hair
stuck on with Sellotape.
Oh, yeah, that'll be
Denzil from Devon. He's a regular.
I'm surprised
he's got any pubes left.
I'm surprised
he's got any pubes left.
The press were sniffing around again,
asking who my new fella is.
How is Dennis?Imagine he's got
a healthy set of pubes.
How is Dennis?Imagine he's got
a healthy set of pubes.
Marjorie!
So, it's still under the radar?
We're not allowed
to be seen alone together,
not until the divorce comes through.
But not long now, though.
But not long now, though.
(SIGHS)
Oh, it's mad how much I miss him.
I keep imagining Dennis
and the lads having a brilliant time
without me over on the other side.
(MONOTONOUSLY) I blame
Harold bleedin' Wilson.
(MONOTONOUSLY) I blame
Harold bleedin' Wilson.
He encouraged these lazy beatniks
and long-haired layabouts,
so shut your pie-hole,
you silly old nag.
If you call me a silly old nag
one more timeI shall leave you.
If you call me a silly old nag
one more timeI shall leave you.
Shut your pie-hole,
you silly old nag.
Right. I warned you. I'm off.
Right. I warned you. I'm off.
Where are you going?
Anywhere you're not.
DENNIS: Very good. Thank you, Dilys.
Thank you, Ronald.
Oh, just a um
a prescription.
It's doctor'sdoctor's orders.
(COUGHS)
(COUGHS)
(STAMMERS) Dennis, um
could we suggest -
Could I suggest
actually, we put in a line
about these bloody immigrants
actually, we put in a line
about these bloody immigrants
coming over here -
Yes, Ronald.
Um If you could, please, just
hold that thought for just a second,
thank you. Yes, Tony?
hold that thought for just a second,
thank you. Yes, Tony?
Yeah, no, yeah. Um
Just that umwell
we-we imagined um
we-we imagined um
this couple to
be a little less
A bit more
A bit more
..like us.
Yeah.
Well, I'm
Well, I'm
I'm sure the accents
will come along.
Oh, rest assured, the accents
will arrive at the station.
We are classically trained actors.
We are classically trained actors.
I was Puck
to Larry Olivier's Bottom.
(CHUCKLES)
Blimey.
Oh.
DILYS: Oh, it's nothing.
DILYS: Oh, it's nothing.
That's it.
MAN: So, here we are
at the good old rehearsal rooms.
MAN: So, here we are
at the good old rehearsal rooms.
Your first day on Just Barbara
with a brand new team.
They've got some splendid ideas.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And they're very excited
to meet you.(CHUCKLES)
They've worked with absolutely
everybody from Jimmy Edwards
They've worked with absolutely
everybody from Jimmy Edwards
to, well, the Carry On team
Ooh!..and beyond.
My personal favourite
was their hilarious sitcom about
a husband-and-wife tennis team.
I loved that one!
Ah, and yes, here we are.
I loved that one!
Ah, and yes, here we are.
Sophie Straw,
meet Colin Curry and Leslie Lanagan.
Hiya.
It is a real pleasure.
It's lovely to meet you.
It is a real pleasure.
It's lovely to meet you.
It is an honour, Miss Straw.Oh, no.
No, no, the honour is all mine.
I grew up watching your TV shows.
New balls, please!
(LAUGHTER)
New balls, please!
(LAUGHTER)
That was one of yours, Leslie.
Good pun. I salute you, Leslie.
Well, no, I salute you.
No, I salute you, Leslie.
Nonsense, Sir Colin.I salute you.
I saluted you first.Uh
Nonsense, Sir Colin.I salute you.
I saluted you first.Uh
I have a very good feeling
about this, indeed.
Splendid!
Why don't we uh
get it on its feet?
I don't do standing-up acting
until the dress run.
She doesn't do sitting-down acting,
either, as far as I recall.
She doesn't do sitting-down acting,
either, as far as I recall.
Oh, isn't bitterness
an unattractive quality?
At least I've got a fucking quality,
dear.But I've got top billing.
TONY: Are we on-script
or off-script right now?
TONY: Are we on-script
or off-script right now?
Why don't we um
channel some of this energy
and read it one more time?
I don't rehearse after 11:00am.
I don't rehearse after 11:00am.
So, we went away,
and we had some thoughts about
what job Barbara could do.
what job Barbara could do.
Great. Well, she's got
to earn her own keep.
She's modern, independent
free-thinking.
She's a cat burglar.
She's a cat burglar.
Crikey.
Yes.
So, we thought she could
run a ring of lady cat burglars
So, we thought she could
run a ring of lady cat burglars
who call themselves, wait for it
He's coming, he's coming with it.
I'm coming. (LAUGHS)
Nickers.
(LAUGHTER)I salute you.
Nickers.
(LAUGHTER)I salute you.
No, I salute you, Sir Leslie.
No, I salute you.
Now, no disrespect, Miss Straw,
but 'nickers' with an N.
Yeah, because they nick stuff.
And 'nickers' is a very funny word.
Yeah, because they nick stuff.
And 'nickers' is a very funny word.
Exactly. Now, did we also say
she will be wearing
a slinky leather catsuit?
she will be wearing
a slinky leather catsuit?
Oh. Goodness.
Call my agent. He's generally open
before lunch on Tuesdays.
Call my agent. He's generally open
before lunch on Tuesdays.
Ask him if Dickie Lester's got back
about that thing.Yes. Um
Perhaps we could uh
deal with that later.
I'd like to remind you
that we have a dress rehearsal soon
I'd like to remind you
that we have a dress rehearsal soon
in front of the team
from the comedy department.
Uh Will there be peonies?
I always have peonies
in my dressing room?
I always have peonies
in my dressing room?
Why don't I get 'peonies'
in my dressing room?
Trolly dolly.
Oh! YeahThis
This Now, this is good.
This Now, this is good.
So.Here we are.
Barbara gets a job as
an air hostess.
She wants to marry an airline pilot.
So
She wants to marry an airline pilot.
So
she wants to get to the front
of the plane, the uhthe cockpit.
Another funny word.
Finally, you get there.
Finally, you get there.
You go through the special door,
and here is the zinger.
(GASPS) The Captain's a woman.
What? N
What? N
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
She gets her skirt caught
in the emergency door lock,
and then (MIMICS SKIRT RIPPING)
(LAUGHS)
..she's suddenly
in front of the Captain, and uh
In her underwear.
Yeah.(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Anyone for a liquid lunch?
Ah, no, we should uh
finish what we're doing here first.
Why bother?
Why bother?
It's a fucking joke desert
after page seven.
(CACKLES)
(MUMBLES)
(CACKLES)
(MUMBLES)
I see Just Barbara as a sitcom
about a modern woman from the North
getting into funny situations
in swinging London.
getting into funny situations
in swinging London.
Could she still wear the catsuit?
(SIGHS)
(QUIET CHATTER)
As much as I would love to stay in
the pub all day playing dominoes,
we do actually have work to do.
NoNo
we do actually have work to do.
NoNo
Most great writers don't get started
till they've necked a pint of gin.
Right, Tony?Right, yeah. Yes.
Dylan Thomas, Brendan Behan.
Hemingway.
Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.Yes.
Hemingway.
Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.Yes.
And all quite dead.
No, no, no.No, no.
No, listen,
why don't we just have one more?
That's it.
Yeah.
MARJ: Come on, just a quick one.
Oh.Oh!
Look who it is!
Oh.Oh!
Look who it is!
It's Marjorie, Dianeand Sophie.
What a coincidence! Barman.
What a coincidence! Barman.
# You're my world
You're every breath I take
# You're my world
# You're every move I make
# Other eyes see the stars #
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
It's good to see you, Miss Straw.
It's good to see you, Miss Straw.
Hello, Mr Mahindra.
DIANE: Sophie.
Dennis.
I've got a great seat for you.
There you are.
I've got a great seat for you.
There you are.
Another brilliant waistcoat. How
you been?Justhere. Wonderful.
To the awkward squad.
(CHEERING)
We have made the male character
a horrible, ranting, old bigot.
We have made the male character
a horrible, ranting, old bigot.
And as luck would have it,
the actor Ronald
is a horrible, ranting, old bigot.
Yeah.
I'm ready to pack it in and hand
the money back, to be honest.No.
I'm ready to pack it in and hand
the money back, to be honest.No.
June's already spent half my cash.
She's ordered a massive pram.
I dunno how big she thinks
this baby is gonna be,
but I reckon I could fit in it.
You do actually look like
a giant mewling infant.
You do actually look like
a giant mewling infant.
Mm, you smell like one. Did your mum
forget to change your nappy?
Did your mum forget
to leave you in a bin?
Did your mum forget
to leave you in a bin?
Oh.Do you miss all this
sophisticated banter?
I miss it all.
MARJ: Alright, my round.
What's it gonna be?
MARJ: Alright, my round.
What's it gonna be?
There you are.
Can I just grab
Oh, God! Oh, I'm so sorry, miss.
Excuse me. Geez.
Oh. I hope your boyfriend
doesn't come over and bash me.
Oh. I hope your boyfriend
doesn't come over and bash me.
Boyfriend? Don't be daft.
Oh, your husband, then.
Hu
I wouldn't marry any of that lot.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Just grab these.Yeah.
LANDLADY: Alright, love?
Whatcha havin'?Uh
Three gin and tonics, a whisky
and two Guinness, please. (EXHALES)
Three gin and tonics, a whisky
and two Guinness, please. (EXHALES)
You don't often see a lady
getting the rounds in.
Yeah, well, why not?
Might get paid less,
but it's all worth the same, innit?
Might get paid less,
but it's all worth the same, innit?
Hm. Well, you've told me.
I'm Roger, by the way.
Marjorie. Marj, if you like.
Marjorie. Marj, if you like.
I do like.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)Alright,
that is for those two fellas.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)Alright,
that is for those two fellas.
Has Marj found a new friend?
Everyone, this is Roger.
Yes, hello, Roger.
Everyone say, 'Hi, Roger.'
Yes, hello, Roger.
Everyone say, 'Hi, Roger.'
ALL: Hi, Roger.
Would you like a seat, Rog?
No, no, no, it's alright. My mates
are baying for more beer, so
Oh, right. (LAUGHS)
Oh, right. (LAUGHS)
Sorry. Fella over there said you're
the Northern girl off the telly.
Oh, no, she gets that all the time.
Northern? Nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm from down the road from Marj.
Dagenham.Croydon. Croydon.
I'm from down the road from Marj.
Dagenham.Croydon. Croydon.
That's the one.
Ah.
Anyways, it's nice to meet you all.
Yes, you too.Yeah. Bye, Roger.
Bye, Rog.Bye, Roger.
See you, Rog, mate.
Bye, Rog.Bye, Roger.
See you, Rog, mate.
DIANE: Wow, Marjorie's got a wanker.
Ding-dong.
(SIGHS)
So, whenwhen do you think
we can be together?
So, whenwhen do you think
we can be together?
Well, you know,
meeting a lawyer, so
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Can't wait.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Can't wait.
Yeah, our sitcom's about
a couple getting divorced.
MARJ: Right, so I suppose
you've made the wife
the usual old terribly naggy trope.
Actually, Marj, we haven't, because
it's not(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Actually, Marj, we haven't, because
it's not(SHUTTER CLICKS)
# THE EASYBEATS: Friday On My Mind
We're surrounded.
I've got an idea. Drink up now.
# I'm gonna have fun in the city
# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
# Be with my girl, she's so pretty
# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
# She looks fine tonight
# She looks fine tonight
# She is out of sight to me
# Tonight, I'll spend my bread
# Tonight, I'll spend my bread
# Tonight, I'll lose my head
# Tonight, I've got to get to night
# Tonight, I've got to get to night
# Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind
# Gonna have fun in the city
# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
# Be with my girl, she's so #
# Be with my girl, she's so #
Now, we're all agreed
that Mrs Mahindra,
Now, we're all agreed
that Mrs Mahindra,
uhor may I say Edith
(STAMMERS) ..Mrs Mahindra
(STAMMERS) ..Mrs Mahindra
would like to get a divorce from
..you, Dennis.
Great. I mean, not great.
But great.
I mean, great as in
it shouldn't be too complicated.
We just need to sign off
on the grounds for divorce,
We just need to sign off
on the grounds for divorce,
which might be
unreasonable behaviour, cruelty,
unreasonable behaviour, cruelty,
incurable insanity
desertion or adultery.
A veritableunlucky dip.
A veritableunlucky dip.
It's adultery.
Is it? Great. Fantastic.
As in that's the quickest route.
So, we just need to find from you,
umDennis
So, we just need to find from you,
umDennis
um
the name of the lady who,
you know, you
the name of the lady who,
you know, you
- just as the co-respondent -
I'm not the one that's
(MUMBLES)
Oh, goodness me.
Well, wow. Well, wow.
Oh, goodness me.
Well, wow. Well, wow.
In that case, um (STAMMERS)
..Mrs M, we need to know from you
..Mrs M, we need to know from you
the sexsex details.
Um No, no, sorry, Dennis.
You can't divorce me.
I'll be labelled an adulteress.
I'll be labelled an adulteress.
You know my family.
They'd utterly disown me.
My career would be over.
It would ruin me.
Harlot.
Harlot.
Jezebel! Slut!
It's true. Divorced women
do get called all sorts of things.
It's true. Divorced women
do get called all sorts of things.
Jeremy?
Yeah?
Does kissing another woman
count as grounds for adultery?
Does kissing another woman
count as grounds for adultery?
Ooh. Um
Oh, my goodness, as in you -
Not me. I didn't
Dennis did. Does it count?
Dennis did. Does it count?
Well, that's very interesting.
It'd all depend on where you kissed
her.Outside Television Centre.
No, as in, I mean,
you know, where-where-where
No, as in, I mean,
you know, where-where-where
whereabouts on the umon the body.
And alsoare there photos?
There are no photos.
We can set up some um
rudeyrudey pictures.
rudeyrudey pictures.
I've got a very spicy photographer
on my books.
Dennis, are you sure you wouldn't
like to broadcast to the world
that you're in love
with Sophie Straw?
that you're in love
with Sophie Straw?
And have her named?
She'd be sacked on the spot.
Not to mention what the press would
do to her. I'm absolutely sure.
(STAMMERS) Sorry, just
can we just wind back a second?
(STAMMERS) Sorry, just
can we just wind back a second?
You're doing it with
Sophie Straw? The Sophie Straw?
TED: We loved the 'nickers' idea.
TED: We loved the 'nickers' idea.
But you put the kibosh on it, so
rest assured, you are being heard.
I don't even know what the plot is.
Ooh, I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)
Ooh, I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)
So. (CLEARS THROAT)
Barbara goes on a string
of unsuccessful dates,
feels miserable, goes to the Doctor
to find out what's wrong.
feels miserable, goes to the Doctor
to find out what's wrong.
Falls in love with the Doctor.
Who's playing the Doctor?
Casting are looking for a Clive
Richardson typebut different.
Casting are looking for a Clive
Richardson typebut different.
So, basically, you're just trying
to rehash Jim And Barbara?
Colin and Leslie are professionals.
But they're not girls.
They don't understand
what a young woman feels like.
They don't understand
what a young woman feels like.
I mean, what it's like to be a woman
out there on her own in the big city.
Bill and Tony and Dennis included me,
and what we did felt right.
Bill and Tony and Dennis included me,
and what we did felt right.
Please can we borrow them back? They
could write under a different name.
Mm. Perhaps the name 'Traitors'.
Mm. Perhaps the name 'Traitors'.
EDITH: Please just fuck her, Dennis,
it would solve all our problems.
I mean, whatever you're doing,
Dennis, you need to bottle that.
I mean, whatever you're doing,
Dennis, you need to bottle that.
I mean, Edith is, you know, wow.
And then
umwell, Sophie Straw is,
you know, blimey.
umwell, Sophie Straw is,
you know, blimey.
It's like something from a James
Bond film.Sorry, but can we focus?
Yeah.
I want to start a family.
With Vernon Whitfield?
Of course with Vernon.
With Vernon Whitfield?
Of course with Vernon.
And if I have them out of wedlock,
the children would be bastards.
Obviously - they're Vernon's.
(LAUGHS)
I mean, the problem is,
because you won'tcommit adultery,
and you won't admit to adultery,
you're in a bit of a pickle here.
you're in a bit of a pickle here.
This is absurd. I'm going
to instruct a proper lawyer.
Oh, come on, that's
Dennis. Really?
Oh, for God's sake.
Now, look, Dennis, sit down.
Oh, for God's sake.
Now, look, Dennis, sit down.
Listen, Dennis.
(DOOR OPENS)
A word to the wise.
(DOOR CLOSES)
If you don't want
to drag her into this,
If you don't want
to drag her into this,
don't get photographed
with Sophie Straw.
There's no-one on God's Earth
There's no-one on God's Earth
that will think that you're not
(INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)
(INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)
(DOOR OPENS)
Well, thank you, Dennis.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called,
Director General.
Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called,
Director General.
Yes, I know who he is.
What does he want?
There's been a serious incident.
Sally White'shaving a baby.
Sally White'shaving a baby.
Sally White doesn't have a husband.
No, so she borrowed someone else's.
You'll need to find another singer.
SOPHIE: Why can't Sally White do a
show? She's pregnant, not contagious.
SOPHIE: Why can't Sally White do a
show? She's pregnant, not contagious.
An expectant woman
is not acceptable on television,
especially not one
that's committed adultery.
Mm, I notice the bloke's
not been named and shamed.
Mm, I notice the bloke's
not been named and shamed.
Sophie. (CLEARS THROAT)
Listen to me.
Just Barbara means a lot to me.
I will address
every single concern that you have.
I will address
every single concern that you have.
But you must, must trust me.
Alright?
Alright?
(RONALD GARGLING)
(DILYS WARMS UP VOCALLY)
(RONALD GARGLING)
(DILYS WARMS UP VOCALLY)
The lips, the teeth,
the tip of the tongue.
Um Could we uhrelieve Ronald
of his hip flask, please?
Um Could we uhrelieve Ronald
of his hip flask, please?
Yeah, it uh
it might require surgery.
(DILYS WARMS UP)
WOMAN: Excuse me, Mr O'Rourke.
Can I please take your hip flask?
Fuck off!
Can I please take your hip flask?
Fuck off!
WOMAN: Oh, uh
Mr Mahindra doesn't want
too much makeup, Miss Waters.
He'd like it to feel very umreal.
He'd like it to feel very umreal.
Well, Mr Mahindra
can shove his opinion
up his very real arsehole.
# THE TREMELOES:
Reach Out I'll Be There
# THE TREMELOES:
Reach Out I'll Be There
# Well, if you feel
That you can't go on
# Because all your hope is gone
# Because all your hope is gone
# And your life
Is filled with much confusion
# Because happiness
Is just an illusion
# Because happiness
Is just an illusion
# And the world around
Is tumbling down
# So, darling, reach out
MAN: My mother-in-law hung out our
washing on the line the other day.
MAN: My mother-in-law hung out our
washing on the line the other day.
When she pegged out her pants
the neighbours
thought it was a total eclipse.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, it may not be Christmas,
but you're about to set eyes
on a right cracker.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Well, umthank you all
for coming along to this uh
dress rehearsal of a new comedy
called Battle Lines,
written by Tony Holmes
and Bill Gardiner,
written by Tony Holmes
and Bill Gardiner,
starring Dilys Waters
(APPLAUSE)
..and Ronald O'Rourke.
(APPLAUSE)
..and Ronald O'Rourke.
(APPLAUSE)
Enjoy.
And here she is, Miss Sophie Straw!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# Ha, I'll be there #
I blame Harold bleedin' Wilson.
He encouraged all these lazy
beatniks and long-haired layabouts,
He encouraged all these lazy
beatniks and long-haired layabouts,
so shut your pie-hole,
you silly old nag.
(GASPS) If you call me
a silly old billy again,
I shall jolly well leave you!
I shall jolly well leave you!
Silly old billy? We'd never
write that. She's fucked the joke!
Why can't she just say it how we -
Sitting around on their backsides
enjoying the multiple benefits
of the welfare state.
enjoying the multiple benefits
of the welfare state.
Here he comes again,
the pearly king of Kensington.
Excuse me!
Ronald is the finest character actor
of our generation.
Ronald is the finest character actor
of our generation.
His Titus Andronicus was huge.
His Titus Andronicus was huge.
You can get a cream for that.
Anyway, a minute ago,
you hated the old bastard.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)I have never
been spoken to like that in my life!
(PEOPLE MURMURING)I have never
been spoken to like that in my life!
Really? I'm surprised.
(GASPS)Um Can we uhreset
and start again from the top?
Yeah, and can we get
two proper actors, please,
Yeah, and can we get
two proper actors, please,
instead of these stuck-up old hams?
(GASPS)
Well, I'm sorry
we're not as common as dog's muck,
you bunch of fucking amateurs!
you bunch of fucking amateurs!
Argh!
(GASPS)
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Oh! Ronnie!
Oh, Jesus.
MARJ: Effing hell, Diane,
we are so late!Oh, don't worry.
MARJ: Effing hell, Diane,
we are so late!Oh, don't worry.
It hasn't started yet.
I got some posh snacks
from Fortnum & Freemason.
Do you fancy a truffle?
Wait, what hasn't started yet?
Do you fancy a truffle?
Wait, what hasn't started yet?
My new TV show.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, sorry. UmWhy have you
got your coat on, your giddy goat?
Oh! Oh, sorry. UmWhy have you
got your coat on, your giddy goat?
Us union girls are staging a um
a sit-in.(GASPS)
And it may last all night.Yeah.
Sorry, we didn't realise
your programme was tonight.
Sorry, we didn't realise
your programme was tonight.
Oh, don't worry, honestly.
It's um It's less pressure
watching it on your own.
(GLASS CLINKS)
(GLASS CLINKS)
Sit down, Diane. (EXHALES)
Sit-in can wait.
Thank you.
All they have to do
is let us cast different actors,
All they have to do
is let us cast different actors,
and Battle Lines will be perfect.
Right, Den?Mm.Stand back,
pregnant woman coming through.
Right, Den?Mm.Stand back,
pregnant woman coming through.
Pregnant? What?!
Every time. Budge up, Bill.
Alright.
(JAUNTY THEME PLAYS ON TV)
This is exciting, isn't it? (SIGHS)
(JAUNTY THEME PLAYS ON TV)
This is exciting, isn't it? (SIGHS)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) Come here, madam.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) Come here, madam.
What seems to be the problem?
SOPHIE: I'm not feeling myself.
Not feeling yourself? That's my job.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.If you just lie down,
I'll get out my equipment.
Oh, my God.If you just lie down,
I'll get out my equipment.
Oh. I've heard that one before.
(EXHALES NOISILY)
(CHUCKLES)(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
MAN: I mean my medical apparatus.
Different writers.
It's a long tube with a forked end.
Different writers.
It's a long tube with a forked end.
'You should get that seen to.'
(SIGHS)
It's called a stethoscope.
Can you unbutton your shirt?
Course I can.
How else would I get ready for bed?
Course I can.
How else would I get ready for bed?
They
They said they'd cut that bit out!
Big breaths.Cheeky.
Oh.
Oh, God.
The old 'big breaths' gag.
Oh, God.
The old 'big breaths' gag.
(INHALES)Now I'll check your blood
pressure.Do you know what?
'My blood pressure is fine.'
You go on out.Mine's not!
MARJ: No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
MARJ: No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
'Yeah, Doctor. You look a bit faint.'
Go on out, go on.Thank you.
Go to your sit-on.
Sit-in, babe. It's a sit-in.
You did great.
I fancy being a doctor.
I fancy being a doctor.
Do you know what bus we getting?See
you later.See you later, bye!Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(JAUNTY THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(JAUNTY THEME MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
TONY: Fuck me.
What are we gonna say to Soph?
What are we gonna say to Soph?
Could say it's a big achievement.
(SCOFFS) The costumes were nice.
(SCOFFS) The costumes were nice.
Yeah, definitely do that.
Cos we women
really love to be patronised.
(SIGHS)
Right.
ANNOUNCER: And now on TVC
(SOPHIE SIGHS)
(SOPHIE SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
MARIE: (ON PHONE)
Hello, Barbara, it's Marie.
Did you see the show?
Yes.
Yes, yes, we did.
And did -
He He did. We did. He did.
Marie?
Marie?
You shouldn't blame us, Barbara.
Marie, what do you mean?
(STAMMERS)
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
(STAMMERS)
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
We did our best. He
(EXHALES)
We didn't mean to cause any -
Marie. No.
Marie?
(WITH FORCED CHEERFULNESS) Goodbye!
(HANDSET CLATTERS)
(DISCONNECT TONE)
'But without the chemistry
of her erstwhile co-star
Clive Richardson'
'But without the chemistry
of her erstwhile co-star
Clive Richardson'
'..Miss Straw is cast adrift.
The sitcom'
'..stinks!'
Well, it's harsh, but true.
'..stinks!'
Well, it's harsh, but true.
No, what the fuck
are you eating, June?!
Is that a craving?No, it's
pickled herring. Try it.(LAUGHS)
Urgh!I always have that
for breakfast.Jesus.
Urgh!I always have that
for breakfast.Jesus.
'Miss Straw mangles the script by
seasoned writers Lanagan and Curry.'
Yeah. 'With garish costumes
a size too small'
TED: '..Miss Straw squanders
her talent like cheap confetti.
TED: '..Miss Straw squanders
her talent like cheap confetti.
She seems determined to force on the
public a vulgar version of herself.
She seems determined to force on the
public a vulgar version of herself.
Once a charming ingenue,
she now totters across our screens
like a tart
at a working-class wedding.'
like a tart
at a working-class wedding.'
DIANE: 'Just Barbara is just
just bearable.'
just bearable.'
(LINE RINGS)
(LINE RINGS)
(LINE BEEPING)
It's Dennis.
DENNIS: (ON PHONE) I saw the show.
(SIGHS)
I thought bits of it
were quite charming.
I thought bits of it
were quite charming.
I feel stupid and ashamed.
Well, at least they
put your show out on air.
I mean, that's ahuge achievement.
Dennis.
That's what people say when
they don't know what else to say.
That's what people say when
they don't know what else to say.
No, no, I mean it.
It is an achievement.
They're not even
gonna put our show out.
You're joking.
You're joking.
According to the head of
the network, we can't write jokes.
Oh, my God.
Here's me whingeing on about my show,
and you haven't even got one.
Here's me whingeing on about my show,
and you haven't even got one.
Of course, it's all my fault.
If I hadn't have rushed off
to the other side,
we'd all still be working together.
If I hadn't have rushed off
to the other side,
we'd all still be working together.
Mm. Well, if I hadn't
screwed things up with Ted Sargent,
you wouldn't have had to.
No. No.
None of this is your fault.
None of this is your fault.
You arefaultless.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I wish I could see you.
('HERE COMES THE NICE'
BY THE SMALL FACES PLAYS) Go away!
What time is it?
What time is it?
Party time.
I'm not going to a party!
Everyone will be laughing
behind my back about Just Barbara.
Everyone will be laughing
behind my back about Just Barbara.
Everyone hates me.
Oh, do you know what, Diane?
I think she's right, actually.Yeah.
Maybe just throw the dress away.
Alright.
She should just disappear, actually.
Alright.
She should just disappear, actually.
Maybe go back to Blackpool.
Yeah.
And beg for her job back
at the rock factory.
I was just trying to make people
laugh. What am I doing wrong?
I was just trying to make people
laugh. What am I doing wrong?
Three major things, OK?
One, you're a girl.
Two, you dared to be successful.
Don't let the bastards win.
Two, you dared to be successful.
Don't let the bastards win.
And three,
you are hogging the bedroom,
and so get your glad rags on
and piss off,
because I've got Rog
coming round for a cuddle.Ooh!
because I've got Rog
coming round for a cuddle.Ooh!
Oh, I didn't bring a bottle.Don't
worry, she's got a whole vineyard.
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
WOMAN: So, I said,
'Aunt Lilibet, don't be so greedy!'
I mean, how many swans
can one woman eat?
Diane, darling!
Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.
Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.
(LAUGHS)Sophie, this
is Lady Pandora Erskine Aubigny.
Oh, fuck off, everyone calls me Pea.
Oh, you're delicious!
Oh, you're delicious!
I could bite you! Come on.
# THE YARDBIRDS: Glimpses
# THE YARDBIRDS: Glimpses
Cocking hell!
Oh, ohI'm not a fan
of the big cigs, Pea.
I'll play it safe with the cake.
What's this party in aid of, then?
Or is it just
a normal weekday night at Pandy's?
Or is it just
a normal weekday night at Pandy's?
This party is
for her boyfriend, Charlie.
He just came back
from Wormwood Scrubs.
Is he a prison warden?
Is he a prison warden?
He was doing time for GBH.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
(MAN CACKLES)
Relax, and hang loose, Soph.
Relax, and hang loose, Soph.
No-one is laughing at you
behind your back.
Too busy watching their own.
Is there a buffet?
There is - through there.
There is - through there.
Excuse me, is that the buffet?
(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
Oh, has that gone off?
Oh, has that gone off?
Hm, it's just cheap. Aristos
always cut corners with caviar.
Spend it on the scag instead.
Caviar?
Wow! Get in.
Wow! Get in.
Wow. (CHUCKLES)
I wouldn't have thought unfertilised
sturgeon roe was your thing.
(RETCHES)
(SNORTS)
(GULPS, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
You can take the girl out
of Blackpool
Oh. Urgh.
Oh. Urgh.
Back home, we'd throw that bit away.
I'm sorry, I would shake your hand,
but it's covered in dead fish egg.
I'm Sophie.
I know.
I'm Sophie.
I know.
I'm a fan.
Well.
You're probably the only one left.
Well
it's not often you get to see
it's not often you get to see
genuine working-class
single girls like us on TV.
You really have blazed a trail.
That's not what the press are saying.
That's not what the press are saying.
They hated my new show.
Most of Fleet Street's
just a bunch of bitter old boys
Most of Fleet Street's
just a bunch of bitter old boys
who know they will never get
the chance to boff a girl like you.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Lynda, by the way.
Oh, crikey, Lynda,
you speak your mind.
Oh, crikey, Lynda,
you speak your mind.
Your mum and dad must be so proud
of what you've achieved.
I read that
you are very close to your dad.
Mm.
Mm.
Family, though
Mmm.
..really, that's all that matters.
You don't know who you can trust.
Exactly.
You know, we should meet up. Chat
some more. Us professional women
(ECHOES)..we should stick together.
Yeah.
Don't let yourself down
about negative press.
Every big star goes through it.
Every big star goes through it.
You'll toughen up, darling.
I'll drink to that.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(GLASSES CLINK AND RING OUT)
Cheers.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
(MUSIC FADES)
(MUSIC FADES)
Are you working on a new routine
or just trying to sit down?
Ooh! Everything's gone a bit spinny.
Ooh! Everything's gone a bit spinny.
Yeah, that would be
dear Pandora's famous brownies.
Oh, they're lovely.
I've had about seven.
Have you got any water?Uh
(BOTTLE OPENS)
Sorry, just a bottle of red.
This one's a little bit on the broad
side with a pretty unrefined finish.
This one's a little bit on the broad
side with a pretty unrefined finish.
Ooh, I think a TV critic recently
said that about me.(LAUGHS)
And here I am sounding like
a pretentious wine asshole.
And here I am sounding like
a pretentious wine asshole.
I'll look for some water for you.
(GRUNTS)Oh.
Mm. Very nice.
Mm. Very nice.
It's an honour to meet you,
Sophie Straw.
How do you know about me?
You're American.
That sounded like an accusation.
That sounded like an accusation.
You're big news!
Pfft!
Who are you with?
Uh My mate Diane.
No, no, no. I mean
I mean, who-who's your agent?
No, no, no. I mean
I mean, who-who's your agent?
Oh! Um Uh No-one.
My last agent had big plans for me,
which mainly turned out to be
big plans for him.
which mainly turned out to be
big plans for him.
I reckon I don't need
another person in my life
telling me what to do
and taking 10%.
I never tell my clients what to do -
I lightly encourage.
I never tell my clients what to do -
I lightly encourage.
And I don't take 10%. I take 15%.
You're a Hollywood agent!
Have you met Lucille Ball?
Have you met Lucille Ball?
Indeed I have.
(GASPS)
Could you introduce me to her?
Uh
I don't represent her, sadly.
But um
Oh.
..at the risk of sounding like
my own agent,
I'm considered to be rather good.
But you're not looking, and
I only represent movie stars, so
But you're not looking, and
I only represent movie stars, so
Oh, what, you don't think
I could be a movie star?
I didn't say that.
(CHUCKLES) (CLOCK CHIMING)
Ah, the witching hour.
(CHUCKLES) (CLOCK CHIMING)
Ah, the witching hour.
My chariot awaits to take me
back to The Clarence.
Can I give you a ride anywhere?
If IIf I wanted to
get a ride in your chariot,
get a ride in your chariot,
it would involve me getting out
of this chair, and quite frankly
I'd rather you
remember me like this.
I don't think I'll forget.
Mm.
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(GROANS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(LAUGHTER)
(ANIMAL BLEATS)
(BLEATS)
Hm?
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
(GROANS)
Are you alright, darling?
(GROANS)
Are you alright, darling?
Hm? You've gone
a rather groovy shade of green.
I had too many chocolate slices.
Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.
Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.
I bunged all the good shit
I had left into the Magimix.
(GROANS)
(CHUCKLES)
You're adorable.
Why don't you stay
and sleep it off, darling?
Why don't you stay
and sleep it off, darling?
In fact, why don't you stay
as long as you like?
Here, I'm off to the Scottish pile.
Use the place as your own.
I've got a murder trial at 9:00am.
Use the place as your own.
I've got a murder trial at 9:00am.
Mwah.
And don't forget to feed Samantha!
Who's Samantha?
The snake.
Who's Samantha?
The snake.
You'll find her.
There's a snake.
Now, the reason
I've called you back
Now, the reason
I've called you back
..is I've spoken
to my senior divorce experts,
and they have found a loophole.
and they have found a loophole.
Mm. Where's my loophole?
There's always a loophole.
(RUSTLES PAPER) Uh
(RUSTLES PAPER) Uh
Yeah.
Well, you separate.
You and Mrs Mahindra.
You live like a monk and a nun.
You live like a monk and a nun.
You'll obviously be the monk.
Which means absolutely no uh
Please stop doing that.
Yes, that's what my wife says.
Please stop doing that.
Yes, that's what my wife says.
And then after three years,
your divorce will come through,
on the grounds of legal separation.
on the grounds of legal separation.
And you are free to marry again.
Three years?
Three years. Not bad, is it?
Three years?
Three years. Not bad, is it?
I shall get my clerks to uh
draw up the papers.
Er Don't have clerks.
Er Don't have clerks.
I'll write up the papers.
TED: Critically, we took a tumble.
But the ratings
were very respectable.
We didn't take a tumble, I did.
I did suggest
we bring back Clive Richardson.
I don't want Clive.
I don't want Clive.
I want Bill and Tony and Dennis.
You can't have them,
and you're under contract.
Well, you're gonna have
to speak to my agent.
Well, you're gonna have
to speak to my agent.
You don't have an agent.
Eunice?
EUNICE: Yes?
Call The Clarence, please.
(PHONE RINGS)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hello. Marc Allen.
Hi, Marc. It's Sophie.
Who?
Hi, Marc. It's Sophie.
Who?
Straw. Sophie Straw?
Oh, yeah. Did you manage
to get out of that chair?
Yeah, I'm here
with the Head of Light Entertainment.
And you're telling me this
because?
I need a bit
of a helping hand here, Marc.
I need a bit
of a helping hand here, Marc.
Oh, you need a professional favour.
That's like umme asking you
to put on a free Broadway show.
That's like umme asking you
to put on a free Broadway show.
Oh, Broadway show!
Yeah, I'd be delighted.
No, I didn't offer that.
And with Sammy Davis Jr.
I've always wanted to work with him.
No, not Sammy -
The Director-General just called.
Sophie, I got to go.
The Director-General just called.
Sophie, I got to go.
We have to announce a replacement
for Sally White immediately.
Hello? Hello?
Dusty.
Hello? Hello?
Dusty.
Disappeared.Sophie?
Oh. She's probably um
(SINGS) ..in the middle of nowhere.
Uh What about Petula Clarke?
Uh What about Petula Clarke?
Petula's in Paris.
Oh, she's been hanging out
(SINGS) ..downtown,
where all the lights are bright.
Lulu.
(SINGS) We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
Lulu.
(SINGS) We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
e-e-ell
e-e-ell
Ted
# You know you make me wanna shout
# Look, my hand's jumping
Look, my heart's bumping
# Throw my head back #
# Throw my head back #
Eunice, could you get me
the Director-General, please?
Sophie? Sophie?
Sophie? Sophie?
Oh.
You've either been hired or fired
but great audition, kid.Ted Sargent
for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.
but great audition, kid.Ted Sargent
for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.
Stop by and see me sometime.
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
Director-General, how are you, sir?
Director-General, how are you, sir?
Fine, thank you.
I just wanted to let you know -
I think I've found the perfect
replacement for Sally White.
I think I've found the perfect
replacement for Sally White.
# SANDIE SHAW: Don't Run Away
On one condition. (YELPS)
# I am so much in love
# I am so much in love
# With you
# And guard all the love #
# And guard all the love #
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Den! I was just coming to find you.
I was just coming to find you.
I've got some news.
I've got news!
I've got some news.
I've got news!
I've just managed to get
you and the boys back on the show.
(CHUCKLES) We can all be together!
Den!
Den!
The divorce
is gonna take three years.
The divorce
is gonna take three years.
What?! Why?
Cos Edith won't agree
and that's the law.
and that's the law.
Well, I'll wait.
We can
We can
We can still see each other.
We can still be together.
Yes, but to everyone else,
I would still be married.
They can mind
their own bloody business!
They can mind
their own bloody business!
If we were to be together
you would lose everything.
Oh, so I don't get a choice.
I don't care about everyone else!
I just want to be with you!
# You're my world
# You're every breath I take
# You're every breath I take
# You're my world
# You're every move I make
# You're every move I make
# Other eyes see the stars
Up in the sky
# Other eyes see the stars
Up in the sky
# But for me
# They shine within your eyes
# They shine within your eyes
# As the trees
Reach for the sun above
# As the trees
Reach for the sun above
# So my arms reach out to you
# For love
# For love
# With your hand resting in mine
# With your hand resting in mine
# I feel a power so divine
# You're my world
# You're my world
# You are my night and day
# You're my world
# You're my world
# You're every prayer I pray
# If our love ceases to be
# If our love ceases to be
# Then it's the end of my world
# Then it's the end of my world
# End of my world
# End of my world for
# End of my world for
# Me #
# Me #
(NOTE CONTINUES)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# JUDY COLLINS: Both Sides Now
# Bows and flows of angel hair
# Bows and flows of angel hair
# And ice cream castles in the air
# And feather canyons everywhere
# And feather canyons everywhere
# I've looked at clouds that way
# But now they only block the sun
# They rain and snow on everyone
# So many things I would have done
# So many things I would have done
# But clouds got in my way #
This programme contains
strong language and adult themes.
NEWSREEL: From starry-eyed sirens
to sparkling sights of another kind,
all through the year
the work goes on
all through the year
the work goes on
for the biggest day
in the town's calendar.
35,000 coloured lamps will shimmer
and shine in splendour.
No, sir, not Christmas,
not Bonfire Night
No, sir, not Christmas,
not Bonfire Night
the Blackpool Illuminations.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING) But the
question on everyone's lips is
who is this year's celebrity
to do the big switch on?
who is this year's celebrity
to do the big switch on?
# THE TREMELOES: Here Comes My Baby
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
Oh, my God!
(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)
Oh, my God!
(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)
# He's walking along that lonely mile
# He's walking along that lonely mile
# And every time I do
# I keep seeing this picture
Of you
# I keep seeing this picture
Of you
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SHUTTERS CLICK)
Come on! Let's have a family shot!
# Here comes my baby
# Here she comes now
# Here she comes now
# Walking with her love
With her love #
Smile, everyone.
She's the star of Jim and Barbara,
She's the star of Jim and Barbara,
so let's all stamp our feet
and shout
as loud as our Lancashire lungs
will let us
for Miss Sophie Straw!
for Miss Sophie Straw!
(CHEERING)
Ey up, cockers!
Ey up, cockers!
By heck, it's good to be back.
(LAUGHTER)
When I was little,
the highlight of my year was watching
these lights get switched on.
Do you remember George Formby
tickling his banjulele?
Do you remember George Formby
tickling his banjulele?
And who can forget
the gorgeous Hollywood star
Jayne Mansfield?
the gorgeous Hollywood star
Jayne Mansfield?
(OOHING)
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Bucket of ice for Mr Mayor.
(LAUGHTER)
I hardly dared dream
that one day it would be me up here.
I hardly dared dream
that one day it would be me up here.
But here I am!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Now, shall we get on with it?
(CHEERING)
How's your counting?
(CHEERING)
How's your counting?
ALL: Five, four
two, three, one! (LAUGHS)
two, three, one! (LAUGHS)
(CHEERING)
# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:
I Only Want To Be With You
# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:
I Only Want To Be With You
# I don't know what it is
That makes me love you so
# I don't know what it is
That makes me love you so
# I only know
I never want to let you go
# Cos you started something
Oh, can't you see?
# Cos you started something
Oh, can't you see?
# That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me
# It happens to be true
# It happens to be true
# I only want to be with you
# It doesn't matter where you go
Or what you do
# It doesn't matter where you go
Or what you do
# I want to spend each moment
Of the day with you
# Well, look what has happened
With just one kiss
# I never knew
That I could be in love like this
# I never knew
That I could be in love like this
# It's crazy but it's true
# I only want to be with you #
# I only want to be with you #
(RATTLES)
Ta-da.
Ta-da.
(THEATRICALLY) Ta-da!
(GASPS)
(THEATRICALLY) Ta-da!
(GASPS)
Oh, that Flatley dryer's got to go.
It's like sticking your head
in a concrete mixer.
I preferred it festooned
with Marjorie's damp pants,
I preferred it festooned
with Marjorie's damp pants,
like gusset-y bunting.
Mwah.
Oh, get away, go on, yer!
Jesus, that's a big lad.
Jesus, that's a big lad.
So, how was it, then?
How was the Blackpool lights?
Were there thousands of adoring fans
screaming your name?
Were there thousands of adoring fans
screaming your name?
Did you not see it on the news?
Oh, did we not see that one?
No, I missed that.
(CHUCKLES)
Bog off. It's an honour to be asked.
Bog off. It's an honour to be asked.
Did they turn up, then? Your family?
Family? It's more like
a bag of broken biscuits.
Right, well,
Marj's special tea it is, then.
Sign this.
Andkiss that.
Andkiss that.
(LAUGHS) Mwah!
Diane.
Thank you.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Here she is, lady bountiful.
Spread the wealth.
Diane's just helping me out
until she finds some proper work.
Actually, I started a new
secretarial job on Thursday.
Actually, I started a new
secretarial job on Thursday.
Oh, that's great.
I got fired on
Friday
for not having sex with the boss.
Friday
for not having sex with the boss.
Dirty dog.
Did you report him?
To who?
Well, we've been having
these meetings at work
Well, we've been having
these meetings at work
talking about better
working conditions and equal pay.
Yeah, like that'll ever happen.Maybe
that's a feature piece I could sell.
Well, yeah,
instead of sitting round here,
Well, yeah,
instead of sitting round here,
replying to madame's
creepy fan mail.
My fans are lovely.
Oh, lovely?!
This one has sent you
a bit of his
This one has sent you
a bit of his
down-there hair
stuck on with Sellotape.
Oh, yeah, that'll be
Denzil from Devon. He's a regular.
I'm surprised
he's got any pubes left.
I'm surprised
he's got any pubes left.
The press were sniffing around again,
asking who my new fella is.
How is Dennis?Imagine he's got
a healthy set of pubes.
How is Dennis?Imagine he's got
a healthy set of pubes.
Marjorie!
So, it's still under the radar?
We're not allowed
to be seen alone together,
not until the divorce comes through.
But not long now, though.
But not long now, though.
(SIGHS)
Oh, it's mad how much I miss him.
I keep imagining Dennis
and the lads having a brilliant time
without me over on the other side.
(MONOTONOUSLY) I blame
Harold bleedin' Wilson.
(MONOTONOUSLY) I blame
Harold bleedin' Wilson.
He encouraged these lazy beatniks
and long-haired layabouts,
so shut your pie-hole,
you silly old nag.
If you call me a silly old nag
one more timeI shall leave you.
If you call me a silly old nag
one more timeI shall leave you.
Shut your pie-hole,
you silly old nag.
Right. I warned you. I'm off.
Right. I warned you. I'm off.
Where are you going?
Anywhere you're not.
DENNIS: Very good. Thank you, Dilys.
Thank you, Ronald.
Oh, just a um
a prescription.
It's doctor'sdoctor's orders.
(COUGHS)
(COUGHS)
(STAMMERS) Dennis, um
could we suggest -
Could I suggest
actually, we put in a line
about these bloody immigrants
actually, we put in a line
about these bloody immigrants
coming over here -
Yes, Ronald.
Um If you could, please, just
hold that thought for just a second,
thank you. Yes, Tony?
hold that thought for just a second,
thank you. Yes, Tony?
Yeah, no, yeah. Um
Just that umwell
we-we imagined um
we-we imagined um
this couple to
be a little less
A bit more
A bit more
..like us.
Yeah.
Well, I'm
Well, I'm
I'm sure the accents
will come along.
Oh, rest assured, the accents
will arrive at the station.
We are classically trained actors.
We are classically trained actors.
I was Puck
to Larry Olivier's Bottom.
(CHUCKLES)
Blimey.
Oh.
DILYS: Oh, it's nothing.
DILYS: Oh, it's nothing.
That's it.
MAN: So, here we are
at the good old rehearsal rooms.
MAN: So, here we are
at the good old rehearsal rooms.
Your first day on Just Barbara
with a brand new team.
They've got some splendid ideas.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And they're very excited
to meet you.(CHUCKLES)
They've worked with absolutely
everybody from Jimmy Edwards
They've worked with absolutely
everybody from Jimmy Edwards
to, well, the Carry On team
Ooh!..and beyond.
My personal favourite
was their hilarious sitcom about
a husband-and-wife tennis team.
I loved that one!
Ah, and yes, here we are.
I loved that one!
Ah, and yes, here we are.
Sophie Straw,
meet Colin Curry and Leslie Lanagan.
Hiya.
It is a real pleasure.
It's lovely to meet you.
It is a real pleasure.
It's lovely to meet you.
It is an honour, Miss Straw.Oh, no.
No, no, the honour is all mine.
I grew up watching your TV shows.
New balls, please!
(LAUGHTER)
New balls, please!
(LAUGHTER)
That was one of yours, Leslie.
Good pun. I salute you, Leslie.
Well, no, I salute you.
No, I salute you, Leslie.
Nonsense, Sir Colin.I salute you.
I saluted you first.Uh
Nonsense, Sir Colin.I salute you.
I saluted you first.Uh
I have a very good feeling
about this, indeed.
Splendid!
Why don't we uh
get it on its feet?
I don't do standing-up acting
until the dress run.
She doesn't do sitting-down acting,
either, as far as I recall.
She doesn't do sitting-down acting,
either, as far as I recall.
Oh, isn't bitterness
an unattractive quality?
At least I've got a fucking quality,
dear.But I've got top billing.
TONY: Are we on-script
or off-script right now?
TONY: Are we on-script
or off-script right now?
Why don't we um
channel some of this energy
and read it one more time?
I don't rehearse after 11:00am.
I don't rehearse after 11:00am.
So, we went away,
and we had some thoughts about
what job Barbara could do.
what job Barbara could do.
Great. Well, she's got
to earn her own keep.
She's modern, independent
free-thinking.
She's a cat burglar.
She's a cat burglar.
Crikey.
Yes.
So, we thought she could
run a ring of lady cat burglars
So, we thought she could
run a ring of lady cat burglars
who call themselves, wait for it
He's coming, he's coming with it.
I'm coming. (LAUGHS)
Nickers.
(LAUGHTER)I salute you.
Nickers.
(LAUGHTER)I salute you.
No, I salute you, Sir Leslie.
No, I salute you.
Now, no disrespect, Miss Straw,
but 'nickers' with an N.
Yeah, because they nick stuff.
And 'nickers' is a very funny word.
Yeah, because they nick stuff.
And 'nickers' is a very funny word.
Exactly. Now, did we also say
she will be wearing
a slinky leather catsuit?
she will be wearing
a slinky leather catsuit?
Oh. Goodness.
Call my agent. He's generally open
before lunch on Tuesdays.
Call my agent. He's generally open
before lunch on Tuesdays.
Ask him if Dickie Lester's got back
about that thing.Yes. Um
Perhaps we could uh
deal with that later.
I'd like to remind you
that we have a dress rehearsal soon
I'd like to remind you
that we have a dress rehearsal soon
in front of the team
from the comedy department.
Uh Will there be peonies?
I always have peonies
in my dressing room?
I always have peonies
in my dressing room?
Why don't I get 'peonies'
in my dressing room?
Trolly dolly.
Oh! YeahThis
This Now, this is good.
This Now, this is good.
So.Here we are.
Barbara gets a job as
an air hostess.
She wants to marry an airline pilot.
So
She wants to marry an airline pilot.
So
she wants to get to the front
of the plane, the uhthe cockpit.
Another funny word.
Finally, you get there.
Finally, you get there.
You go through the special door,
and here is the zinger.
(GASPS) The Captain's a woman.
What? N
What? N
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
She gets her skirt caught
in the emergency door lock,
and then (MIMICS SKIRT RIPPING)
(LAUGHS)
..she's suddenly
in front of the Captain, and uh
In her underwear.
Yeah.(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Anyone for a liquid lunch?
Ah, no, we should uh
finish what we're doing here first.
Why bother?
Why bother?
It's a fucking joke desert
after page seven.
(CACKLES)
(MUMBLES)
(CACKLES)
(MUMBLES)
I see Just Barbara as a sitcom
about a modern woman from the North
getting into funny situations
in swinging London.
getting into funny situations
in swinging London.
Could she still wear the catsuit?
(SIGHS)
(QUIET CHATTER)
As much as I would love to stay in
the pub all day playing dominoes,
we do actually have work to do.
NoNo
we do actually have work to do.
NoNo
Most great writers don't get started
till they've necked a pint of gin.
Right, Tony?Right, yeah. Yes.
Dylan Thomas, Brendan Behan.
Hemingway.
Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.Yes.
Hemingway.
Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.Yes.
And all quite dead.
No, no, no.No, no.
No, listen,
why don't we just have one more?
That's it.
Yeah.
MARJ: Come on, just a quick one.
Oh.Oh!
Look who it is!
Oh.Oh!
Look who it is!
It's Marjorie, Dianeand Sophie.
What a coincidence! Barman.
What a coincidence! Barman.
# You're my world
You're every breath I take
# You're my world
# You're every move I make
# Other eyes see the stars #
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
It's good to see you, Miss Straw.
It's good to see you, Miss Straw.
Hello, Mr Mahindra.
DIANE: Sophie.
Dennis.
I've got a great seat for you.
There you are.
I've got a great seat for you.
There you are.
Another brilliant waistcoat. How
you been?Justhere. Wonderful.
To the awkward squad.
(CHEERING)
We have made the male character
a horrible, ranting, old bigot.
We have made the male character
a horrible, ranting, old bigot.
And as luck would have it,
the actor Ronald
is a horrible, ranting, old bigot.
Yeah.
I'm ready to pack it in and hand
the money back, to be honest.No.
I'm ready to pack it in and hand
the money back, to be honest.No.
June's already spent half my cash.
She's ordered a massive pram.
I dunno how big she thinks
this baby is gonna be,
but I reckon I could fit in it.
You do actually look like
a giant mewling infant.
You do actually look like
a giant mewling infant.
Mm, you smell like one. Did your mum
forget to change your nappy?
Did your mum forget
to leave you in a bin?
Did your mum forget
to leave you in a bin?
Oh.Do you miss all this
sophisticated banter?
I miss it all.
MARJ: Alright, my round.
What's it gonna be?
MARJ: Alright, my round.
What's it gonna be?
There you are.
Can I just grab
Oh, God! Oh, I'm so sorry, miss.
Excuse me. Geez.
Oh. I hope your boyfriend
doesn't come over and bash me.
Oh. I hope your boyfriend
doesn't come over and bash me.
Boyfriend? Don't be daft.
Oh, your husband, then.
Hu
I wouldn't marry any of that lot.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Just grab these.Yeah.
LANDLADY: Alright, love?
Whatcha havin'?Uh
Three gin and tonics, a whisky
and two Guinness, please. (EXHALES)
Three gin and tonics, a whisky
and two Guinness, please. (EXHALES)
You don't often see a lady
getting the rounds in.
Yeah, well, why not?
Might get paid less,
but it's all worth the same, innit?
Might get paid less,
but it's all worth the same, innit?
Hm. Well, you've told me.
I'm Roger, by the way.
Marjorie. Marj, if you like.
Marjorie. Marj, if you like.
I do like.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)Alright,
that is for those two fellas.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)Alright,
that is for those two fellas.
Has Marj found a new friend?
Everyone, this is Roger.
Yes, hello, Roger.
Everyone say, 'Hi, Roger.'
Yes, hello, Roger.
Everyone say, 'Hi, Roger.'
ALL: Hi, Roger.
Would you like a seat, Rog?
No, no, no, it's alright. My mates
are baying for more beer, so
Oh, right. (LAUGHS)
Oh, right. (LAUGHS)
Sorry. Fella over there said you're
the Northern girl off the telly.
Oh, no, she gets that all the time.
Northern? Nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm from down the road from Marj.
Dagenham.Croydon. Croydon.
I'm from down the road from Marj.
Dagenham.Croydon. Croydon.
That's the one.
Ah.
Anyways, it's nice to meet you all.
Yes, you too.Yeah. Bye, Roger.
Bye, Rog.Bye, Roger.
See you, Rog, mate.
Bye, Rog.Bye, Roger.
See you, Rog, mate.
DIANE: Wow, Marjorie's got a wanker.
Ding-dong.
(SIGHS)
So, whenwhen do you think
we can be together?
So, whenwhen do you think
we can be together?
Well, you know,
meeting a lawyer, so
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Can't wait.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Can't wait.
Yeah, our sitcom's about
a couple getting divorced.
MARJ: Right, so I suppose
you've made the wife
the usual old terribly naggy trope.
Actually, Marj, we haven't, because
it's not(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Actually, Marj, we haven't, because
it's not(SHUTTER CLICKS)
# THE EASYBEATS: Friday On My Mind
We're surrounded.
I've got an idea. Drink up now.
# I'm gonna have fun in the city
# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
# Be with my girl, she's so pretty
# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
# She looks fine tonight
# She looks fine tonight
# She is out of sight to me
# Tonight, I'll spend my bread
# Tonight, I'll spend my bread
# Tonight, I'll lose my head
# Tonight, I've got to get to night
# Tonight, I've got to get to night
# Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind
# Gonna have fun in the city
# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
# Be with my girl, she's so #
# Be with my girl, she's so #
Now, we're all agreed
that Mrs Mahindra,
Now, we're all agreed
that Mrs Mahindra,
uhor may I say Edith
(STAMMERS) ..Mrs Mahindra
(STAMMERS) ..Mrs Mahindra
would like to get a divorce from
..you, Dennis.
Great. I mean, not great.
But great.
I mean, great as in
it shouldn't be too complicated.
We just need to sign off
on the grounds for divorce,
We just need to sign off
on the grounds for divorce,
which might be
unreasonable behaviour, cruelty,
unreasonable behaviour, cruelty,
incurable insanity
desertion or adultery.
A veritableunlucky dip.
A veritableunlucky dip.
It's adultery.
Is it? Great. Fantastic.
As in that's the quickest route.
So, we just need to find from you,
umDennis
So, we just need to find from you,
umDennis
um
the name of the lady who,
you know, you
the name of the lady who,
you know, you
- just as the co-respondent -
I'm not the one that's
(MUMBLES)
Oh, goodness me.
Well, wow. Well, wow.
Oh, goodness me.
Well, wow. Well, wow.
In that case, um (STAMMERS)
..Mrs M, we need to know from you
..Mrs M, we need to know from you
the sexsex details.
Um No, no, sorry, Dennis.
You can't divorce me.
I'll be labelled an adulteress.
I'll be labelled an adulteress.
You know my family.
They'd utterly disown me.
My career would be over.
It would ruin me.
Harlot.
Harlot.
Jezebel! Slut!
It's true. Divorced women
do get called all sorts of things.
It's true. Divorced women
do get called all sorts of things.
Jeremy?
Yeah?
Does kissing another woman
count as grounds for adultery?
Does kissing another woman
count as grounds for adultery?
Ooh. Um
Oh, my goodness, as in you -
Not me. I didn't
Dennis did. Does it count?
Dennis did. Does it count?
Well, that's very interesting.
It'd all depend on where you kissed
her.Outside Television Centre.
No, as in, I mean,
you know, where-where-where
No, as in, I mean,
you know, where-where-where
whereabouts on the umon the body.
And alsoare there photos?
There are no photos.
We can set up some um
rudeyrudey pictures.
rudeyrudey pictures.
I've got a very spicy photographer
on my books.
Dennis, are you sure you wouldn't
like to broadcast to the world
that you're in love
with Sophie Straw?
that you're in love
with Sophie Straw?
And have her named?
She'd be sacked on the spot.
Not to mention what the press would
do to her. I'm absolutely sure.
(STAMMERS) Sorry, just
can we just wind back a second?
(STAMMERS) Sorry, just
can we just wind back a second?
You're doing it with
Sophie Straw? The Sophie Straw?
TED: We loved the 'nickers' idea.
TED: We loved the 'nickers' idea.
But you put the kibosh on it, so
rest assured, you are being heard.
I don't even know what the plot is.
Ooh, I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)
Ooh, I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)
So. (CLEARS THROAT)
Barbara goes on a string
of unsuccessful dates,
feels miserable, goes to the Doctor
to find out what's wrong.
feels miserable, goes to the Doctor
to find out what's wrong.
Falls in love with the Doctor.
Who's playing the Doctor?
Casting are looking for a Clive
Richardson typebut different.
Casting are looking for a Clive
Richardson typebut different.
So, basically, you're just trying
to rehash Jim And Barbara?
Colin and Leslie are professionals.
But they're not girls.
They don't understand
what a young woman feels like.
They don't understand
what a young woman feels like.
I mean, what it's like to be a woman
out there on her own in the big city.
Bill and Tony and Dennis included me,
and what we did felt right.
Bill and Tony and Dennis included me,
and what we did felt right.
Please can we borrow them back? They
could write under a different name.
Mm. Perhaps the name 'Traitors'.
Mm. Perhaps the name 'Traitors'.
EDITH: Please just fuck her, Dennis,
it would solve all our problems.
I mean, whatever you're doing,
Dennis, you need to bottle that.
I mean, whatever you're doing,
Dennis, you need to bottle that.
I mean, Edith is, you know, wow.
And then
umwell, Sophie Straw is,
you know, blimey.
umwell, Sophie Straw is,
you know, blimey.
It's like something from a James
Bond film.Sorry, but can we focus?
Yeah.
I want to start a family.
With Vernon Whitfield?
Of course with Vernon.
With Vernon Whitfield?
Of course with Vernon.
And if I have them out of wedlock,
the children would be bastards.
Obviously - they're Vernon's.
(LAUGHS)
I mean, the problem is,
because you won'tcommit adultery,
and you won't admit to adultery,
you're in a bit of a pickle here.
you're in a bit of a pickle here.
This is absurd. I'm going
to instruct a proper lawyer.
Oh, come on, that's
Dennis. Really?
Oh, for God's sake.
Now, look, Dennis, sit down.
Oh, for God's sake.
Now, look, Dennis, sit down.
Listen, Dennis.
(DOOR OPENS)
A word to the wise.
(DOOR CLOSES)
If you don't want
to drag her into this,
If you don't want
to drag her into this,
don't get photographed
with Sophie Straw.
There's no-one on God's Earth
There's no-one on God's Earth
that will think that you're not
(INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)
(INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)
(DOOR OPENS)
Well, thank you, Dennis.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called,
Director General.
Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called,
Director General.
Yes, I know who he is.
What does he want?
There's been a serious incident.
Sally White'shaving a baby.
Sally White'shaving a baby.
Sally White doesn't have a husband.
No, so she borrowed someone else's.
You'll need to find another singer.
SOPHIE: Why can't Sally White do a
show? She's pregnant, not contagious.
SOPHIE: Why can't Sally White do a
show? She's pregnant, not contagious.
An expectant woman
is not acceptable on television,
especially not one
that's committed adultery.
Mm, I notice the bloke's
not been named and shamed.
Mm, I notice the bloke's
not been named and shamed.
Sophie. (CLEARS THROAT)
Listen to me.
Just Barbara means a lot to me.
I will address
every single concern that you have.
I will address
every single concern that you have.
But you must, must trust me.
Alright?
Alright?
(RONALD GARGLING)
(DILYS WARMS UP VOCALLY)
(RONALD GARGLING)
(DILYS WARMS UP VOCALLY)
The lips, the teeth,
the tip of the tongue.
Um Could we uhrelieve Ronald
of his hip flask, please?
Um Could we uhrelieve Ronald
of his hip flask, please?
Yeah, it uh
it might require surgery.
(DILYS WARMS UP)
WOMAN: Excuse me, Mr O'Rourke.
Can I please take your hip flask?
Fuck off!
Can I please take your hip flask?
Fuck off!
WOMAN: Oh, uh
Mr Mahindra doesn't want
too much makeup, Miss Waters.
He'd like it to feel very umreal.
He'd like it to feel very umreal.
Well, Mr Mahindra
can shove his opinion
up his very real arsehole.
# THE TREMELOES:
Reach Out I'll Be There
# THE TREMELOES:
Reach Out I'll Be There
# Well, if you feel
That you can't go on
# Because all your hope is gone
# Because all your hope is gone
# And your life
Is filled with much confusion
# Because happiness
Is just an illusion
# Because happiness
Is just an illusion
# And the world around
Is tumbling down
# So, darling, reach out
MAN: My mother-in-law hung out our
washing on the line the other day.
MAN: My mother-in-law hung out our
washing on the line the other day.
When she pegged out her pants
the neighbours
thought it was a total eclipse.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, it may not be Christmas,
but you're about to set eyes
on a right cracker.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Well, umthank you all
for coming along to this uh
dress rehearsal of a new comedy
called Battle Lines,
written by Tony Holmes
and Bill Gardiner,
written by Tony Holmes
and Bill Gardiner,
starring Dilys Waters
(APPLAUSE)
..and Ronald O'Rourke.
(APPLAUSE)
..and Ronald O'Rourke.
(APPLAUSE)
Enjoy.
And here she is, Miss Sophie Straw!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# Ha, I'll be there #
I blame Harold bleedin' Wilson.
He encouraged all these lazy
beatniks and long-haired layabouts,
He encouraged all these lazy
beatniks and long-haired layabouts,
so shut your pie-hole,
you silly old nag.
(GASPS) If you call me
a silly old billy again,
I shall jolly well leave you!
I shall jolly well leave you!
Silly old billy? We'd never
write that. She's fucked the joke!
Why can't she just say it how we -
Sitting around on their backsides
enjoying the multiple benefits
of the welfare state.
enjoying the multiple benefits
of the welfare state.
Here he comes again,
the pearly king of Kensington.
Excuse me!
Ronald is the finest character actor
of our generation.
Ronald is the finest character actor
of our generation.
His Titus Andronicus was huge.
His Titus Andronicus was huge.
You can get a cream for that.
Anyway, a minute ago,
you hated the old bastard.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)I have never
been spoken to like that in my life!
(PEOPLE MURMURING)I have never
been spoken to like that in my life!
Really? I'm surprised.
(GASPS)Um Can we uhreset
and start again from the top?
Yeah, and can we get
two proper actors, please,
Yeah, and can we get
two proper actors, please,
instead of these stuck-up old hams?
(GASPS)
Well, I'm sorry
we're not as common as dog's muck,
you bunch of fucking amateurs!
you bunch of fucking amateurs!
Argh!
(GASPS)
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Oh! Ronnie!
Oh, Jesus.
MARJ: Effing hell, Diane,
we are so late!Oh, don't worry.
MARJ: Effing hell, Diane,
we are so late!Oh, don't worry.
It hasn't started yet.
I got some posh snacks
from Fortnum & Freemason.
Do you fancy a truffle?
Wait, what hasn't started yet?
Do you fancy a truffle?
Wait, what hasn't started yet?
My new TV show.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, sorry. UmWhy have you
got your coat on, your giddy goat?
Oh! Oh, sorry. UmWhy have you
got your coat on, your giddy goat?
Us union girls are staging a um
a sit-in.(GASPS)
And it may last all night.Yeah.
Sorry, we didn't realise
your programme was tonight.
Sorry, we didn't realise
your programme was tonight.
Oh, don't worry, honestly.
It's um It's less pressure
watching it on your own.
(GLASS CLINKS)
(GLASS CLINKS)
Sit down, Diane. (EXHALES)
Sit-in can wait.
Thank you.
All they have to do
is let us cast different actors,
All they have to do
is let us cast different actors,
and Battle Lines will be perfect.
Right, Den?Mm.Stand back,
pregnant woman coming through.
Right, Den?Mm.Stand back,
pregnant woman coming through.
Pregnant? What?!
Every time. Budge up, Bill.
Alright.
(JAUNTY THEME PLAYS ON TV)
This is exciting, isn't it? (SIGHS)
(JAUNTY THEME PLAYS ON TV)
This is exciting, isn't it? (SIGHS)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) Come here, madam.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) Come here, madam.
What seems to be the problem?
SOPHIE: I'm not feeling myself.
Not feeling yourself? That's my job.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.If you just lie down,
I'll get out my equipment.
Oh, my God.If you just lie down,
I'll get out my equipment.
Oh. I've heard that one before.
(EXHALES NOISILY)
(CHUCKLES)(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
MAN: I mean my medical apparatus.
Different writers.
It's a long tube with a forked end.
Different writers.
It's a long tube with a forked end.
'You should get that seen to.'
(SIGHS)
It's called a stethoscope.
Can you unbutton your shirt?
Course I can.
How else would I get ready for bed?
Course I can.
How else would I get ready for bed?
They
They said they'd cut that bit out!
Big breaths.Cheeky.
Oh.
Oh, God.
The old 'big breaths' gag.
Oh, God.
The old 'big breaths' gag.
(INHALES)Now I'll check your blood
pressure.Do you know what?
'My blood pressure is fine.'
You go on out.Mine's not!
MARJ: No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
MARJ: No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
'Yeah, Doctor. You look a bit faint.'
Go on out, go on.Thank you.
Go to your sit-on.
Sit-in, babe. It's a sit-in.
You did great.
I fancy being a doctor.
I fancy being a doctor.
Do you know what bus we getting?See
you later.See you later, bye!Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(JAUNTY THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(JAUNTY THEME MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
TONY: Fuck me.
What are we gonna say to Soph?
What are we gonna say to Soph?
Could say it's a big achievement.
(SCOFFS) The costumes were nice.
(SCOFFS) The costumes were nice.
Yeah, definitely do that.
Cos we women
really love to be patronised.
(SIGHS)
Right.
ANNOUNCER: And now on TVC
(SOPHIE SIGHS)
(SOPHIE SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
MARIE: (ON PHONE)
Hello, Barbara, it's Marie.
Did you see the show?
Yes.
Yes, yes, we did.
And did -
He He did. We did. He did.
Marie?
Marie?
You shouldn't blame us, Barbara.
Marie, what do you mean?
(STAMMERS)
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
(STAMMERS)
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
We did our best. He
(EXHALES)
We didn't mean to cause any -
Marie. No.
Marie?
(WITH FORCED CHEERFULNESS) Goodbye!
(HANDSET CLATTERS)
(DISCONNECT TONE)
'But without the chemistry
of her erstwhile co-star
Clive Richardson'
'But without the chemistry
of her erstwhile co-star
Clive Richardson'
'..Miss Straw is cast adrift.
The sitcom'
'..stinks!'
Well, it's harsh, but true.
'..stinks!'
Well, it's harsh, but true.
No, what the fuck
are you eating, June?!
Is that a craving?No, it's
pickled herring. Try it.(LAUGHS)
Urgh!I always have that
for breakfast.Jesus.
Urgh!I always have that
for breakfast.Jesus.
'Miss Straw mangles the script by
seasoned writers Lanagan and Curry.'
Yeah. 'With garish costumes
a size too small'
TED: '..Miss Straw squanders
her talent like cheap confetti.
TED: '..Miss Straw squanders
her talent like cheap confetti.
She seems determined to force on the
public a vulgar version of herself.
She seems determined to force on the
public a vulgar version of herself.
Once a charming ingenue,
she now totters across our screens
like a tart
at a working-class wedding.'
like a tart
at a working-class wedding.'
DIANE: 'Just Barbara is just
just bearable.'
just bearable.'
(LINE RINGS)
(LINE RINGS)
(LINE BEEPING)
It's Dennis.
DENNIS: (ON PHONE) I saw the show.
(SIGHS)
I thought bits of it
were quite charming.
I thought bits of it
were quite charming.
I feel stupid and ashamed.
Well, at least they
put your show out on air.
I mean, that's ahuge achievement.
Dennis.
That's what people say when
they don't know what else to say.
That's what people say when
they don't know what else to say.
No, no, I mean it.
It is an achievement.
They're not even
gonna put our show out.
You're joking.
You're joking.
According to the head of
the network, we can't write jokes.
Oh, my God.
Here's me whingeing on about my show,
and you haven't even got one.
Here's me whingeing on about my show,
and you haven't even got one.
Of course, it's all my fault.
If I hadn't have rushed off
to the other side,
we'd all still be working together.
If I hadn't have rushed off
to the other side,
we'd all still be working together.
Mm. Well, if I hadn't
screwed things up with Ted Sargent,
you wouldn't have had to.
No. No.
None of this is your fault.
None of this is your fault.
You arefaultless.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I wish I could see you.
('HERE COMES THE NICE'
BY THE SMALL FACES PLAYS) Go away!
What time is it?
What time is it?
Party time.
I'm not going to a party!
Everyone will be laughing
behind my back about Just Barbara.
Everyone will be laughing
behind my back about Just Barbara.
Everyone hates me.
Oh, do you know what, Diane?
I think she's right, actually.Yeah.
Maybe just throw the dress away.
Alright.
She should just disappear, actually.
Alright.
She should just disappear, actually.
Maybe go back to Blackpool.
Yeah.
And beg for her job back
at the rock factory.
I was just trying to make people
laugh. What am I doing wrong?
I was just trying to make people
laugh. What am I doing wrong?
Three major things, OK?
One, you're a girl.
Two, you dared to be successful.
Don't let the bastards win.
Two, you dared to be successful.
Don't let the bastards win.
And three,
you are hogging the bedroom,
and so get your glad rags on
and piss off,
because I've got Rog
coming round for a cuddle.Ooh!
because I've got Rog
coming round for a cuddle.Ooh!
Oh, I didn't bring a bottle.Don't
worry, she's got a whole vineyard.
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
WOMAN: So, I said,
'Aunt Lilibet, don't be so greedy!'
I mean, how many swans
can one woman eat?
Diane, darling!
Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.
Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.
(LAUGHS)Sophie, this
is Lady Pandora Erskine Aubigny.
Oh, fuck off, everyone calls me Pea.
Oh, you're delicious!
Oh, you're delicious!
I could bite you! Come on.
# THE YARDBIRDS: Glimpses
# THE YARDBIRDS: Glimpses
Cocking hell!
Oh, ohI'm not a fan
of the big cigs, Pea.
I'll play it safe with the cake.
What's this party in aid of, then?
Or is it just
a normal weekday night at Pandy's?
Or is it just
a normal weekday night at Pandy's?
This party is
for her boyfriend, Charlie.
He just came back
from Wormwood Scrubs.
Is he a prison warden?
Is he a prison warden?
He was doing time for GBH.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
(MAN CACKLES)
Relax, and hang loose, Soph.
Relax, and hang loose, Soph.
No-one is laughing at you
behind your back.
Too busy watching their own.
Is there a buffet?
There is - through there.
There is - through there.
Excuse me, is that the buffet?
(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
Oh, has that gone off?
Oh, has that gone off?
Hm, it's just cheap. Aristos
always cut corners with caviar.
Spend it on the scag instead.
Caviar?
Wow! Get in.
Wow! Get in.
Wow. (CHUCKLES)
I wouldn't have thought unfertilised
sturgeon roe was your thing.
(RETCHES)
(SNORTS)
(GULPS, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
You can take the girl out
of Blackpool
Oh. Urgh.
Oh. Urgh.
Back home, we'd throw that bit away.
I'm sorry, I would shake your hand,
but it's covered in dead fish egg.
I'm Sophie.
I know.
I'm Sophie.
I know.
I'm a fan.
Well.
You're probably the only one left.
Well
it's not often you get to see
it's not often you get to see
genuine working-class
single girls like us on TV.
You really have blazed a trail.
That's not what the press are saying.
That's not what the press are saying.
They hated my new show.
Most of Fleet Street's
just a bunch of bitter old boys
Most of Fleet Street's
just a bunch of bitter old boys
who know they will never get
the chance to boff a girl like you.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Lynda, by the way.
Oh, crikey, Lynda,
you speak your mind.
Oh, crikey, Lynda,
you speak your mind.
Your mum and dad must be so proud
of what you've achieved.
I read that
you are very close to your dad.
Mm.
Mm.
Family, though
Mmm.
..really, that's all that matters.
You don't know who you can trust.
Exactly.
You know, we should meet up. Chat
some more. Us professional women
(ECHOES)..we should stick together.
Yeah.
Don't let yourself down
about negative press.
Every big star goes through it.
Every big star goes through it.
You'll toughen up, darling.
I'll drink to that.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(GLASSES CLINK AND RING OUT)
Cheers.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
(MUSIC FADES)
(MUSIC FADES)
Are you working on a new routine
or just trying to sit down?
Ooh! Everything's gone a bit spinny.
Ooh! Everything's gone a bit spinny.
Yeah, that would be
dear Pandora's famous brownies.
Oh, they're lovely.
I've had about seven.
Have you got any water?Uh
(BOTTLE OPENS)
Sorry, just a bottle of red.
This one's a little bit on the broad
side with a pretty unrefined finish.
This one's a little bit on the broad
side with a pretty unrefined finish.
Ooh, I think a TV critic recently
said that about me.(LAUGHS)
And here I am sounding like
a pretentious wine asshole.
And here I am sounding like
a pretentious wine asshole.
I'll look for some water for you.
(GRUNTS)Oh.
Mm. Very nice.
Mm. Very nice.
It's an honour to meet you,
Sophie Straw.
How do you know about me?
You're American.
That sounded like an accusation.
That sounded like an accusation.
You're big news!
Pfft!
Who are you with?
Uh My mate Diane.
No, no, no. I mean
I mean, who-who's your agent?
No, no, no. I mean
I mean, who-who's your agent?
Oh! Um Uh No-one.
My last agent had big plans for me,
which mainly turned out to be
big plans for him.
which mainly turned out to be
big plans for him.
I reckon I don't need
another person in my life
telling me what to do
and taking 10%.
I never tell my clients what to do -
I lightly encourage.
I never tell my clients what to do -
I lightly encourage.
And I don't take 10%. I take 15%.
You're a Hollywood agent!
Have you met Lucille Ball?
Have you met Lucille Ball?
Indeed I have.
(GASPS)
Could you introduce me to her?
Uh
I don't represent her, sadly.
But um
Oh.
..at the risk of sounding like
my own agent,
I'm considered to be rather good.
But you're not looking, and
I only represent movie stars, so
But you're not looking, and
I only represent movie stars, so
Oh, what, you don't think
I could be a movie star?
I didn't say that.
(CHUCKLES) (CLOCK CHIMING)
Ah, the witching hour.
(CHUCKLES) (CLOCK CHIMING)
Ah, the witching hour.
My chariot awaits to take me
back to The Clarence.
Can I give you a ride anywhere?
If IIf I wanted to
get a ride in your chariot,
get a ride in your chariot,
it would involve me getting out
of this chair, and quite frankly
I'd rather you
remember me like this.
I don't think I'll forget.
Mm.
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(GROANS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(LAUGHTER)
(ANIMAL BLEATS)
(BLEATS)
Hm?
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
(GROANS)
Are you alright, darling?
(GROANS)
Are you alright, darling?
Hm? You've gone
a rather groovy shade of green.
I had too many chocolate slices.
Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.
Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.
I bunged all the good shit
I had left into the Magimix.
(GROANS)
(CHUCKLES)
You're adorable.
Why don't you stay
and sleep it off, darling?
Why don't you stay
and sleep it off, darling?
In fact, why don't you stay
as long as you like?
Here, I'm off to the Scottish pile.
Use the place as your own.
I've got a murder trial at 9:00am.
Use the place as your own.
I've got a murder trial at 9:00am.
Mwah.
And don't forget to feed Samantha!
Who's Samantha?
The snake.
Who's Samantha?
The snake.
You'll find her.
There's a snake.
Now, the reason
I've called you back
Now, the reason
I've called you back
..is I've spoken
to my senior divorce experts,
and they have found a loophole.
and they have found a loophole.
Mm. Where's my loophole?
There's always a loophole.
(RUSTLES PAPER) Uh
(RUSTLES PAPER) Uh
Yeah.
Well, you separate.
You and Mrs Mahindra.
You live like a monk and a nun.
You live like a monk and a nun.
You'll obviously be the monk.
Which means absolutely no uh
Please stop doing that.
Yes, that's what my wife says.
Please stop doing that.
Yes, that's what my wife says.
And then after three years,
your divorce will come through,
on the grounds of legal separation.
on the grounds of legal separation.
And you are free to marry again.
Three years?
Three years. Not bad, is it?
Three years?
Three years. Not bad, is it?
I shall get my clerks to uh
draw up the papers.
Er Don't have clerks.
Er Don't have clerks.
I'll write up the papers.
TED: Critically, we took a tumble.
But the ratings
were very respectable.
We didn't take a tumble, I did.
I did suggest
we bring back Clive Richardson.
I don't want Clive.
I don't want Clive.
I want Bill and Tony and Dennis.
You can't have them,
and you're under contract.
Well, you're gonna have
to speak to my agent.
Well, you're gonna have
to speak to my agent.
You don't have an agent.
Eunice?
EUNICE: Yes?
Call The Clarence, please.
(PHONE RINGS)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hello. Marc Allen.
Hi, Marc. It's Sophie.
Who?
Hi, Marc. It's Sophie.
Who?
Straw. Sophie Straw?
Oh, yeah. Did you manage
to get out of that chair?
Yeah, I'm here
with the Head of Light Entertainment.
And you're telling me this
because?
I need a bit
of a helping hand here, Marc.
I need a bit
of a helping hand here, Marc.
Oh, you need a professional favour.
That's like umme asking you
to put on a free Broadway show.
That's like umme asking you
to put on a free Broadway show.
Oh, Broadway show!
Yeah, I'd be delighted.
No, I didn't offer that.
And with Sammy Davis Jr.
I've always wanted to work with him.
No, not Sammy -
The Director-General just called.
Sophie, I got to go.
The Director-General just called.
Sophie, I got to go.
We have to announce a replacement
for Sally White immediately.
Hello? Hello?
Dusty.
Hello? Hello?
Dusty.
Disappeared.Sophie?
Oh. She's probably um
(SINGS) ..in the middle of nowhere.
Uh What about Petula Clarke?
Uh What about Petula Clarke?
Petula's in Paris.
Oh, she's been hanging out
(SINGS) ..downtown,
where all the lights are bright.
Lulu.
(SINGS) We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
Lulu.
(SINGS) We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
e-e-ell
e-e-ell
Ted
# You know you make me wanna shout
# Look, my hand's jumping
Look, my heart's bumping
# Throw my head back #
# Throw my head back #
Eunice, could you get me
the Director-General, please?
Sophie? Sophie?
Sophie? Sophie?
Oh.
You've either been hired or fired
but great audition, kid.Ted Sargent
for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.
but great audition, kid.Ted Sargent
for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.
Stop by and see me sometime.
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
Director-General, how are you, sir?
Director-General, how are you, sir?
Fine, thank you.
I just wanted to let you know -
I think I've found the perfect
replacement for Sally White.
I think I've found the perfect
replacement for Sally White.
# SANDIE SHAW: Don't Run Away
On one condition. (YELPS)
# I am so much in love
# I am so much in love
# With you
# And guard all the love #
# And guard all the love #
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Den! I was just coming to find you.
I was just coming to find you.
I've got some news.
I've got news!
I've got some news.
I've got news!
I've just managed to get
you and the boys back on the show.
(CHUCKLES) We can all be together!
Den!
Den!
The divorce
is gonna take three years.
The divorce
is gonna take three years.
What?! Why?
Cos Edith won't agree
and that's the law.
and that's the law.
Well, I'll wait.
We can
We can
We can still see each other.
We can still be together.
Yes, but to everyone else,
I would still be married.
They can mind
their own bloody business!
They can mind
their own bloody business!
If we were to be together
you would lose everything.
Oh, so I don't get a choice.
I don't care about everyone else!
I just want to be with you!
# You're my world
# You're every breath I take
# You're every breath I take
# You're my world
# You're every move I make
# You're every move I make
# Other eyes see the stars
Up in the sky
# Other eyes see the stars
Up in the sky
# But for me
# They shine within your eyes
# They shine within your eyes
# As the trees
Reach for the sun above
# As the trees
Reach for the sun above
# So my arms reach out to you
# For love
# For love
# With your hand resting in mine
# With your hand resting in mine
# I feel a power so divine
# You're my world
# You're my world
# You are my night and day
# You're my world
# You're my world
# You're every prayer I pray
# If our love ceases to be
# If our love ceases to be
# Then it's the end of my world
# Then it's the end of my world
# End of my world
# End of my world for
# End of my world for
# Me #
# Me #
(NOTE CONTINUES)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# JUDY COLLINS: Both Sides Now
# Bows and flows of angel hair
# Bows and flows of angel hair
# And ice cream castles in the air
# And feather canyons everywhere
# And feather canyons everywhere
# I've looked at clouds that way
# But now they only block the sun
# They rain and snow on everyone
# So many things I would have done
# So many things I would have done
# But clouds got in my way #