Futurama s02e01 Episode Script

That was the worst delivery ever.
Never go to a planet|called "Cannibalon.
" That's right.
Food was good, though.
- Great news, everyone-|- Shove it! We quit! Then I'll have to hire a new crew|to go on our company vacation.
- Vacation?|- All right! Great! I haven't had time off|since I was 21 through 24.
It's my way of thanking you for not|reporting my countless violations - of safety and minimum-wage laws.
|- Aw, you! I've booked us on the|maiden voyage of the largest most luxurious space cruise ship|ever built.
The Titanic! Looks nice.
A Flight to Remember Hey, where's my suitcase? As mayor of New New York,|it's my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain|for the Titanic's maiden voyage.
A man who single-handedly defeated|the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula:|Zapp Brannigan! God, not Zapp Brannigan! - You know Zapp Brannigan?|- Let's just say we've crossed paths.
Before or after you slept with him? She's a beautiful ship.
|Shapely, seductive.
I'm gonna fly her brains out.
And now, without further adieu I christen this ship Titanic.
Ooh! Well, well, well! The Lady Leela.
|Take notes, Kif.
You're about to witness|the subtle waltz known as seduction.
So! Trapped on a ship with me.
What say you and I knock|some very sensual boots? It's tempting,|but I have a fiancé now.
Him! Fry, darling,|meet Zapp Brannigan.
Huh? Ooh! How do you do? Ah, here's my stateroom.
Where is it? Come on! Oh! Hermes, you and Labarbara|have the suite through there.
Dr.
Zoidberg, your marble tank|is on the other side.
First class seems nice.
It'll seem even nicer|once you've seen your room.
We're on the Fiesta Deck.
This is it.
At least we get a window.
I'm tired of this room|and everyone in it.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna pop over|to the casino for the next 135 hours.
I think I'll go fill up on bisque|at the buffet.
That just leaves you|and your fake fiancé all alone on a romantic cruise.
- Take it off or I'll break it off.
|- Okay! Captain's inspection.
Mm-hm.
I'm betting it all! Come on! Baby needs|a new pair of feet! Snake eyes.
My cheating unit malfunctioned!|You gotta give me a do-over.
Sorry, the house limit is|three do-overs.
Next shooter.
Give me your biggest, strongest,|cheapest drink.
You got it.
Allow me to introduce myself.
|I'm Bender.
Charmed.
I'm the Countess de la Roca.
I was surprised to see another robot|in first class.
Most are laborers.
I assure you, I barely know|the meaning of the word "labor.
" - Oh, Mr.
Bender.
|- Please, call me Bender.
Oh, well, goodness.
I don't - Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch.
|- I'll get the powder.
The itch for adventure.
|Let's change course.
It's a leisure cruise.
|Our path was set by the travel agency.
That's for schoolgirls.
|Here's a route with chest hair.
Directly through a swarm of comets? Yes, comets.
The icebergs of the sky.
By jackknifing across|at breakneck speed we might just get some kind|of gravity boost or something.
It's time to shove a jalapeno|up this ship's tailpipe.
Divert power from the shields.
|Full speed ahead.
Oh, yeah- - Amy! Hello!|- Mom, Dad?! What are you doing here? We were enjoying a relaxing vacation.
|Since you're here, we must meddle.
- We met a nice boy in the next cabin.
|- He's not very ugly.
You should marry him.
Or use him|to conceive a grandchild for us.
There he is at the buffet.
He seems really nice,|but I already have a boyfriend.
Where is he? And why isn't he here right now,|fathering our grandchild? Our accommodations aren't great.
|But it sure is beautiful here.
It's romantic- I mean, platonic.
|That sure is one platonic view.
Fry, just be quiet.
I'm beginning to think this whole|fake fiancé thing was a terrible- Hm? Mmm.
Perhaps this is an awkward time.
If it doesn't work out|with this pipsqueak I want you to know I'll be there|to score you on the rebound.
Look, before you get any crazy ideas,|that was for Zapp.
- Well, you got anything else for him?|- Can we try not to complicate this? Mom, Dad, I'd like you|to meet Fry, my boyfriend.
Hm? Mmm.
See you later, wuvums.
It would have been nice to know|you're dating Amy.
I'm not.
It's to fool her parents.
- Hey, you're not jealous, are you?|- What? No, of course not.
I consider my fake relationship|with you more meaningful.
Mind if I freshen up before we go out? I was just about to suggest|the same thing.
Mmm.
Pay dirt! Lovely, isn't it? Yeah.
But only 93 percent|as lovely as you.
Either that was a computing error or|you're the most romantic robot ever.
I don't get it, iZac.
The bracelet had a diamond|the size of a raccoon's brain.
- Why couldn't I steal it?|- It's obvious.
You're in love.
It's true.
|But we're star-crossed robots! She, a countess built|with a silver spoon in her mouth and me, just a regular honest Joe.
- You gonna pay for those?|- Hell, no.
Security to bar area.
|Security to bar area.
Fellas, please! I'm in love.
Rough him up.
What are you doing? This penniless chump|was stealing drinks.
I see.
Here you are, sir.
|Keep the change.
You got it! - Go, professor!|- Lean back more.
Ow! You could out-limbo|all of these people! Don't be a dog heart, woman.
You know|I can't.
Not after what happened.
Now limboing for the Earth|team, Hermes Conrad.
You're my hero, Hermes!|I'm gonna be just like you! No, boy, stop! It's too low!|Your backbone can't take it! I'm just like Hermes!|I'm just like- No! You don't have to limbo|if you don't want.
It doesn't make you any less of a man.
- Though it did get me some action.
|- I like a man who's flexible.
Attention!|As captain of this ship the burden of naming the limbo|winner is mine, and mine alone.
Shouldn't you be steering? And the winner is|Leela! But I didn't limbo.
No matter.
I know from personal|experience how horizontal you can get.
As a reward, you and that hair-pile are invited to dine|at the captain's table tonight.
Whoo! Well, now you know.
|I'm not actually rich.
I'm a fraud.
|A poor, lazy, sexy fraud.
This isn't even a real bow tie.
|It's magnetic.
I don't care if you have money.
I love your artificial intelligence|and sincerity simulator.
You do? Really? I like your style, Fry.
|You remind me of a young me.
Not much younger.
|Perhaps even a couple years older.
- Thank you.
|- As a gentleman, I warn you: If you even glance|at another woman I'll be all over Leela like a fly|on a pile of very seductive manure.
- Leela's the only girl for me.
|- Hey, Fry.
- Amy!|- Leela! The family Wong.
|Our party is complete.
What'll we do? He can't pretend|to be both our boyfriends.
I learned how to handle|delicate situations from a show called Three's Company.
I'd like to toast the happy couple.
|Down the hatch.
- Hear, hear! Now, let's have a kiss!|- Yes, Fry.
Plant one on your woman.
Let me think.
Come and knock on our door Mr.
Roper - What's the holdup? Kiss Amy!|- I'm confused.
Tell me, which one of these ladies|are you involved with? - May I have a word with you?|- No! - It's an emergency, sir.
|- Come back when it's a catastrophe.
Oh, very well.
Well, with Zapp gone|and my parents still here I suggest Fry give me|a nice, convincing kiss.
Now there's something|we can all enjoy.
- Sir, remember your course correction?|- No.
It's proving more suicidal|than we'd hoped.
I don't know which disgusts me more,|your cowardice or stupidity.
We'll set a new course|for that region near that black-ish hole-ish thing.
- Why'd you run off from dinner?|- I didn't run off.
I had time to finish eating|while you were kissing Amy.
I'm not interested in her,|if that's bothering you.
Are you sure? I mean,|she has two eyes.
You have two eyes.
We seem like a perfect match.
|But I don't feel that way about her.
Nice nebula.
|Yeah.
Looks like everybody's got somebody.
|Except me.
And me.
What was that? My God! We're heading|into a black hole! Talk about a mood killer.
Don't blame yourself.
|We were doomed from the start.
Now the captain must go down|with the ship.
- That's surprisingly noble of you.
|- No, it's noble of you.
As of now, you're in command.
Congratulations, captain.
Okay.
We just have to get from here|to the escape pods.
- I'm too young to die!|- Come on, before it's too late! You all go!|I'm gonna take one last look around.
You know, for stuff to steal.
- You're going back for the countess.
|- Yes, I am.
Don't tell the others.
If I don't return,|say I died robbing some old man.
I'll say you died prying|the ring off his dead finger.
I love you, buddy! Countess! Countess! Bender! - I fell through the deck!|- Are you hurt, my sweet? - No, luckily a family broke my fall.
|- Just hang on! I'll take care of that fire! You risked your life to save me! And I'd do it again!|And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.
When we kiss, I feel like|I'm standing waist-deep in a pool of cold, rising water.
Hurry! The escape pods|should be just ahead.
Faster! It won't move.
|The door release is on the other side.
No one could squeeze under there.
No one, except a legendary|limbo champion! Oh, Hermes! It's been a while.
This one is for that little kid|limboing in heaven now.
That's my man! All right, limbo.
I still got the moves!|Zoidberg, lower the door another inch.
- Just go hit the release, you hot dog.
|- Yes, dear.
- That's my man.
|- Yay, Hermes! Can somebody help me up? - Now what do we do?|- Wait a second.
- Aren't you in the yacht club?|- You're right! I'm a class-three yacht! Thank God there are plenty|of escape pods.
We needn't dress up|like women and children.
We can't leave yet.
|We gotta wait for Bender.
The high gravity|must slow down his looting.
- Mom! Dad! You're alive!|- Yeah, but so what? - More importantly, we found you a man.
|- A captain.
Mom, I don't- - Hi.
|- Hello.
I don't feel well.
Look, it's our nebula.
When I see it, I'll think back|to that moment when we almost- Never mind.
Everyone else is off the ship.
|Where is Bender? I don't know.
|But we can't wait any longer.
Goodbye, Bender.
Wait for us! Something's wrong.
|We're two tons overweight.
- Well, it's not me.
|- Look! I'm slipping! The pull is too strong! I can't live without you! If you let go, I let go.
No, you have too much to live for.
It may hurt for a while,|but you'll share your love again.
After all, it's shareware.
Don't talk like that.
Tragic romances|always have a happy ending.
Farewell! No.
She's gone.
But she saved all our lives.
Without|her, we're light enough to get away.
Don't cry.
Nobody knows|what happens in a black hole.
It's possible she's alive|in another dimension, right? Oh, yes.
Absolutely.
Not a chance.
At least I'll always|have her bracelet.
What do you think it's worth? It's fake, man.