Get Smart (1965) s02e01 Episode Script

Hymie, stand.
Y-11 calling KAOS, Y-11 calling KAOS from CONTROL headquarters.
Man: This is KAOS.
Go ahead.
Hymie the CONTROL robot has been programmed.
He's ready to begin.
When the job is completed, his memory bank will automatically erase itself.
He will be unable to recall what happened.
Excellent, proceed as planned.
Yes, sir.
Hymie, go.
To all departments, it has come to my attention that some members of the CONTROL organization have been abusing the privileges of the coffee break.
One, coffee breaks will be for 10 minutes duration.
Two, coffee cups will no longer be used for target practice.
Three-- Hymie, what's the meaning of this?! I am going to kill you.
- ( siren blares ) - Hey! I'm going to kill you.
- ( hammer clicking ) - I'm going to kill you.
Hymie, I'm The Chief.
I'm your friend.
Chief! ( clangs ) Max, Max, quick! Hymie's trying to kill The Chief.
- Hymie, stop it.
It's me, Max! - What are you trying to do, Max? I'm gonna have to short-circuit his wiring system.
- Hurry hurry.
- Hymie, are you AC or DC? - I am going to kill you.
- Hurry, Max.
I think he's AC.
I'll plug him into DC and see what happens.
- Quick! - Hold on, Chief, use those fantastic throat muscles.
( slowing down ) I am going to kill you.
- ( thumps ) - 99: What happened, Chief? He crashed through that door and said he was gonna kill me.
But this is impossible, Chief.
Hymie has been a loyal member of CONTROL ever since we stole him from KAOS.
Max, Hymie is a robot-- a machine.
And machines can be dangerous.
What are we going to do? - We'll have to destroy him.
- Destroy him! You can't destroy Hymie.
Hymie's my friend.
Max, this friend just broke through my office door, smashed my desk to pieces and almost strangled me with his bare hands! How do you explain that? I said he was my friend, not yours.
( theme music playing ) Kirsch, Phelps-- you men are in charge of security procedures.
- Have you any idea how this happened? - No, sir.
- Is Hymie locked up? - Yes, sir.
He's harmless until his main power unit is reactivated.
Keep him that way.
I don't want him breaking up - any more of our furniture.
- Yes, sir.
I just can't believe he did it.
- Why?! - Because he's programmed for neatness.
I don't care what he's programmed for, he's got to be disassembled, - and you're gonna do it.
- Me?! Why me? Why not? You brought him into the organization, didn't you? I can't do that to Hymie, Chief.
Hymie is my friend.
Why, he saved my life once.
- He's like a brother to me.
- Max, Hymie is a cybernaut.
What's his religion got to do with it? He's a robot-- a mechanical man-- and I want him disassembled.
- I won't do it.
- You won't? No, I won't! I'd rather you have me disassembled than Hymie.
- Hmm - I'll do it.
( ticking ) - Okay, Hymie, cough.
- ( coughs ) - ( boings ) - Oh, boy.
My guess is that someone has really been tampering around with your insides.
Now think, Hymie.
Think hard.
Don't you remember anything that happened at all? The last thing I remember, I was in the lab oiling my teeth.
- Oiling your teeth? - I oil my teeth twice a day and see a mechanic every six months.
- Oh.
- I have a tendency to rust.
The next thing I knew was a few minutes ago when you reactivated my main power unit.
You don't remember attacking The Chief - and trying to choke him? - No.
Hmm.
I'll tell you this much, unless we get some clues on how this happened, - I'm gonna have to-- - I know, Max.
You'll have to disassemble me.
- I can't do it, Hymie.
- You have to do it, Max.
- It's your duty.
- Don't tell me my duty.
- I know what it is.
- Don't worry about me, I understand.
The security of the nation is at stake.
- Oh, Hymie.
- I've had a good life.
Will you stop talking like that, Hymie? ( sings patriotic song ) Hymie, will you please be quiet? I can't concentrate.
- Just shut your trap.
- ( slams ) Hymie, do you have to take everything I say so literally? I'm sorry, Max.
Okay, just get a grip on yourself.
Forget it, Hymie.
This is what I want you to do.
This is the key to my apartment-- take it, get over there and stay there.
But someone will see me when I leave here.
Not if you jump out the window.
It's only to point of impact.
Make as little noise as possible.
Try to jump on the grass, not the pavement.
- Right.
- Oh, Hymie, If anybody sees you going into my apartment, tell them you're my cousin.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Is anybody coming? - No.
Okay.
Now remember, jump on the grass, not the sidewalk.
Okay-- jump! ( thumps loudly ) Missed it by that much.
( doorbell rings ) Oh, hello, uh I was looking for Max.
- Is he home? - No.
I haven't seen you around here before.
Are you a friend of his? I am Max's cousin.
May I help you? ( gasps ) Oh, yes, I wanted to borrow some sugar.
- Sugar.
- Just enough for a cup of coffee.
Or two.
I have to tell you, men, this has been a trying experience for Max.
- We understand, Chief.
- ( clanking ) ( clanking continues ) I'm finished, Chief.
So long, Hymie.
Are you all right, Max? Yes, Chief, but this has been kind of a sad day for me.
I'd like to go home.
Of course.
You can have the whole day off-- and take tomorrow off too.
Thank you, Chief.
With pay? Okay.
How about overtime? Overtime?! No, absolutely not! Okay, okay, you don't have to shout.
I may be greedy, but I'm not deaf.
- Hello, Hymie.
- Have a nice day at the office? Yes, thank you.
I think I'll just fix myself a cup of coffee and then we'll get down to work.
- Do you use sugar? - No.
- Good.
- Why? - There isn't any.
- There isn't any? But that's ridiculous, I've just bought a 10-lb bag.
Listen, Hymie, I'm getting a little worried that someone has been tampering with your mechanism.
Many have looked at my works.
Did they touch any tubes or fiddle with your wires? I don't think so.
Try and remember, Hymie, because if someone has been tampering with your circuits, it would have to be somebody from inside of CONTROL.
That means we've got a spy in our midst.
I have checked my memory tape.
- There's no record of tampering.
- Hmm Let's see.
I've got some books here on electronics.
Maybe if I look through them, I can find out some-- Now, let's see, if we take these two wires, and put them over here by the connecting rod, I think we got something, Hymie.
Hymie, where is my cigarette?! - I put it in my pocket.
- You put it in your pocket.
May I ask you why you put it in your pocket?! It was getting the ashtray dirty again.
Okay, Hymie.
A-ha, just as I thought-- - there is a spy.
- Really? He must be very small.
No, Hymie, I didn't mean inside of you, I meant inside of CONTROL.
You tickle me.
Will you stop that?! That's just an expression, Hymie.
Now, it's obvious that you've been rewired.
That's why you attacked The Chief.
Think-- can you remember anybody else being inside of there besides me? I have a vague memory of a pair of cold hands.
They probably erased your memory tape.
- What do we do now? - Well, whoever the spy is who was fooling around inside here probably thinks that you're destroyed, and we've got to have him think that way so it'll give us time to find out who it is.
- Right.
- Now, we've got to take every precaution to see that nobody knows that you're here.
that means no standing by open windows, no loud talking and if someone should happen to knock at the front door, don't make a sound.
- ( knocks ) - Come in.
- Hello, Max.
- Phoebe?! I just wanna return the sugar I borrowed from your cousin.
Oh, thank you.
My cousin? Oh, yes, of course, my cousin.
- You two have met? - Well, not formally.
- My name is Hymie.
- How do you do? My name is Phoebe.
Uh, Phoebe is The Chief's niece.
By the way, Phoebe, what are you doing here in Washington? I just decided to come in for a few days.
My uncle suggested I take a room here and you could kind of look after me.
Or if you're busy, maybe Hymie could.
Uh, yes.
Well, Hymie, don't you have a very important engagement? I'm sorry, but that's probably been erased from my memory tape.
Don't pay any attention to him, Phoebe.
He's an electronics genius.
Oh, are you in electronics? No, electronics are in me.
Yes, well, Phoebe, it was certainly nice of you to drop by.
- Perhaps we can have dinner some night.
- I'd love to.
- Good, good.
Bye, Phoebe.
- Bye-bye.
"Electronics are in me"? Hmph.
That's just beautiful.
Now all she's gotta do is tell The Chief you're here and we will both be disassembled.
Hymie, what are you doing? Will you stop cleaning up, following me around and picking up? You're beginning to get on my nerves! I am programmed for neatness.
I'm programmed for sloppiness, and that's the way I like it.
What's the matter now? Our first fight.
Look, Hymie, I'm sorry I raised my voice.
I know you've been under a big strain for the past two days.
A lot you care.
I do care.
Then why don't you ever tell me? I care, I care! That's not the way to say it.
What are you talking about? - This is ridiculous! - ( knocking ) Shh, get in the closet.
Oh, Kirsch, hello.
What can I do for you? - I heard some noise.
Is anything wrong? - Oh no, no, no.
Nothing at all.
I was just talking to myself.
- What are you doing here? - Chief wants you back at headquarters.
- Oh.
Why didn't you phone? - Top security.
Oh, okay, Kirsch, wait here.
I'll get my coat.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Yes, Chief, what is it? Max, did you disassemble Hymie this morning? Of course I disassembled Hymie.
I even brought you the bag of parts.
We had those parts reconstructed.
Let me show you what we got.
- Max?! - For heaven's sake.
( chuckles ) Don't you worry, Hymie, I'll have you back looking like your old self in no time at all.
Max, Kirsch and Phelps charge you with allowing Hymie to escape.
We contend that you never disassembled Hymie.
Nor did you intend to.
Do you think that I would resort to deliberate lies, deceit and disobedience?! All: Yes! - How about this? - All right, men, - I'll take it from here.
- Right, Chief.
Well, Max, your little game is over.
I want to know what you've done with Hymie, and I want to know right now! ( buzzing ) Max, if you're trying to put something over on me-- I'm not, Chief, I'm not! I'm telling you, this is really Hymie.
They just put him together wrong.
You'd better be able to prove it! Look, Chief, I've got an idea-- why don't I take the pieces home and try to put them together over the weekend? No, Max, I want to see you reassemble him here and now! Well, Chief, it's easy to take a guy apart, but it's pretty difficult to put him back together again.
Ask any doctor.
Here and now.
Yes, sir, I've just made the new adjustment.
- How will it work? - Through his own ingenuity, the robot will get Maxwell Smart to take him to a public restaurant for dinner.
When he hears the phrase, "Waiter, the check," he will shoot the one who said it-- - Maxwell Smart.
- Very good.
Well, that's it, Chief.
That's about the best I can do.
You know, Max, if this thing isn't Hymie, then he has escaped and you're an accessory! Did you ever think that this might be Hymie's way of proving his innocence? By running away? No, by coming back as a washing machine, Chief.
Think of the possibilities-- a washing machine could go anyplace.
- ( phone rings ) - I don't think-- Hello? Oh, yes, he is.
Just a moment.
It's for you.
It's your cousin.
Eh, hello? Max, this is Hymie.
Yes, I know.
I'm in The Chief's office.
- What's the matter? - I'm lonesome.
You're lone-- well, I'll be home in a little while.
I want to go out to dinner.
I don't think that would be wise.
I don't care.
I've been cooped up in the house all day-- sweeping, dusting, vacuuming.
I want to go out.
( firmly ) We'll talk about it when-- when I get home.
Good, I'll ask Phoebe to join us.
Bye.
Uh-- I tell you, we just can't take the chance.
It's not worth the risk to be seen in public, Hymie.
It's too much of a gamble, Hymie.
But we have to.
I promised her.
Her? Who's her? Hi, Max.
Hi, Hymie.
Hello there.
Here I am, all set for a big night out in the city.
- Her? - Her.
Where are we going to dinner? Yes, Max, where are we going to dinner? I know a nice quiet little out-of-the-way place.
- Where? - Nome, Alaska.
( jazz music playing ) Max, we've got to do something about Phoebe.
Maybe we could get her some dancing lessons.
That's not what I mean, Max.
You know what would happen if The Chief found out that you let his niece go out with a robot, to say nothing of falling in love with one? I don't know, 99.
Phoebe's parents would like to see her get married and settle down and have kids.
- I can see it now.
- What do you mean? Hymie in the garage tuning up his body, and Phoebe in the nursery winding up her children.
You may have a point there.
Listen, 99, this is what I want you to do-- I want you to dance with Hymie, - and I'll stay here and talk to Phoebe.
- Right, Max.
( music stops ) - That looks like fun.
- It was.
- Thank you, Hymie.
- Very good, Hymie.
You guys can really dance.
- Hymie, may I have the next dance? - ( music resumes ) - Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Oh, isn't he wonderful, Max? For the first time in my life - I know what it means to be in love.
- Look, Phoebe, you and your uncle have been friends of mine for a long, long time, and I'd like to kind of have you think of me as another uncle-- someone who has your best interest at heart, someone who wouldn't hurt you for anything - in the world.
- All right.
Phoebe, I want you to forget about Hymie.
But Uncle Max, I think I'm in love with him.
But you don't know anything about him.
You don't know anything about his background.
And believe me, it's a strange one.
I wouldn't care if he came from a junkyard.
Funny you should put it that way.
Besides, a man's background isn't what's important-- it's what's inside that counts.
Would you be surprised.
Uncle Max, I'm 19 years old.
I'm old enough to make up my own mind.
- How old is Hymie? - He'll be a year old in December.
- What's that supposed to mean? - I didn't think you'd understand.
Look, Phoebe, I didn't wanna tell you this, but it's for your own good.
- Hymie is a cybernaut.
- Uncle Max, I'm ashamed of you.
A person's religion doesn't make any difference.
( music stops ) Oh, Max, Hymie is a marvelous dancer.
And he's so intelligent-- cute too.
You too? Hymie, see if you can grab a waiter.
Now, listen both of you-- this is very important.
We've got to get Hymie out of here as inconspicuously as possible.
I'll pay the check and bring the car around, then you two bring Hymie out.
And remember, don't attract any attention to him.
Right, Max.
Hymie, let him go.
You did tell him to grab the waiter.
Hymie, I just wanted you to attract his attention so I could pay the check.
- I will pay the check.
- No, Hymie, it's my treat.
- I will pay the check.
- Next time, Hymie.
- I will pay the check.
- ( speaking Spanish ) ( speaks Spanish ) el cheque, por favor.
What does that mean, Hymie? It means "I am very sorry, waiter.
The check, please.
" Oh, come on, Hymie, the check can't be that much.
You're sure no one came to the door, Hymie? I don't remember.
has been tampering with Hymie again.
But no one knows he's here except you, me and Phoebe.
Are you sure that no one's visited the apartment since Hymie came here? No, nobody.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Kirsch.
Of course, Kirsch's been nearby every time Hymie has gone haywire.
( foreign accent ) Quite right, 86.
- You see what I mean? - On your feet, please-- all of you.
You know, of course, that bullet at the restaurant - was meant for you, Mr.
Smart.
- Sorry about that, Kirsch.
No matter.
They say everything works out for the best.
In a moment, Hymie will kill you both.
Wait a minute, Kirsch-- you're talking with a foreign accent.
I am not.
I am speaking perfectly.
As spy in CONTROL I had foreign accent.
You overlooked one thing, Kirsch.
- Hymie, get him.
- ( speaks foreign language ) You see, Mr.
Smart, he's in my control now.
Max, get the gun! Good work, Hymie.
I heard some-- oh! - Oh, Hymie, are you all right? - But, Max, I don't understand.
I thought Kirsch had complete control over Hymie.
He did, 99, but Hymie's programming for neatness was stronger than his programming for evil.
- Max! - Chief! What are you doing here? I suspected Kirsch was up to something.
I followed him here.
Yes, Chief, it was Kirsch who rewired Hymie and programmed him to attack you.
That solves that problem.
What's going on there? She loves him, Chief.
My niece in love with a robot? Well, it's not so bad, Chief.
It could have been a washing machine.
You've done it again, Max, even though your methods were a little unorthodox.
Sorry I had to disobey your orders, Chief, but I knew Hymie was innocent.
I simply had to go out and prove it.
Now my problem is what am I gonna do about Phoebe? Yes, well, I've had long talk with Phoebe, Chief, and I've explained everything to her - and I think she understands.
- ( door opens ) Chief: Phoebe! Are you all right? Yes, Max explained everything to me.
He was very kind and patient.
He made me understand something - that I hadn't realized before.
- What? Well, I almost made a terrible mistake.
I met a man who was warm and considerate, and because I had a schoolgirl crush on someone else, I almost passed him by.
But now I know who I really love.
- You don't mean-- - Yes.
Max, can you ever forgive me? Phoebe, I've known Max for a long while, and believe me, I'm very fond of him, but if it comes down to a choice between the two of them, please take Hymie.
( theme music playing )