Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s02e01 Episode Script

Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Hi. I'm home.
Oh, huge great dangly scrotum sacs!
- What? - Well, I've done it again,
haven't I? Look.
What?
- Isn't it obvious?
- No, you'll have to tell me.
LOOK AT ME! I was so desperate
to get home from that bloody place,
I forgot to get changed.
Daddy wore outrageous outfits.
He was a teddy bear in the '50s.
I think you mean teddy BOY.
No, teddy BEAR. Red ribbon round
his neck, fluffy brown all-in-one.
Called himself Cuddles.
Mind you,
that was before he was sectioned.
I wondered why people were staring
on the Tube.
Thought they recognised me
from EastEnders.
You ain't been in EastEnders
for six years.
And all you did was buy a cagoule
from Bianca's Casuals.
And the bitch short-changed me!
I was very good in EastEnders.
well, I missed you, Tom, on account
of the fact that I blinked!
- We've got it on video. - Not again!
Can you blame me? When I left drama
school, I had huge things planned -
not traipsing round Tesco's
in saggy tights promoting raw fish!
I'm fed up with it!
Absolutely fed up with it!
Since when has my hair been brown?
Oh, no, it's Catherine Zeta Jones.
I thought I was looking in a mirror.
I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to become a teacher. I
shall become a teacher of THESBIANS.
Turns my stomach.
Shush! It's an excellent idea.
I shall hold acting classes
in this very through-lounge.
Voice work, movement, a bit of mime.
I'll create tomorrow's
Emma Thompsons, Robert Carlyles
and Letitia Deans.
I won't have her in here.
Gets on me tits!
I must find my calligraphy biro.
Methinks I'll advertise with a sign
in the newsagent's window.
Anon, fair Titian temptress.
The news awaits.
Oi, gobshite!
I am not having me gorgeous flat
turned into no poxy fame school.
I don't want to get up and find
15 anorexics chucking up in me loo.
Actors don't do that.
They have perfect posture, and
utter inspirational nuggets like,
"This is the only job where you get
paid for doing something you love."
Bollocks! What about prostitutes?
- No, Tom, I won't allow it.
- I'll share the profits.
- What are you waiting for?
Oh, my God! Look!
It's Sugar -
my sister from the last series!
Look! Look!
What's she doing? Getting
her tits out for Mencap again?
It's one of those
"at home with the stars" things.
Look at her lavatory pelmet.
Oh, and look at her windows -
she ain't got no nets up.
So common!
Here, let me see that.
"Eurovision star
and page-three icon Sugar Walls
"invites us to share her beauty
tips and her joy at making her
West End stage debut in Toothache."
What the hell's Toothache?
Is it when this hurts?
Remove this odious rag
before I vomit all over my sushi!
Tosser!
Sugar!
- Where is she? - Your sister's inside.
- Oh, what for this time?
- No, she's in the house. - Oh.
What's Toothache?
Do you remember this cosy, Sugar?
Mummy made it.
She banged out 50 a day
when she was in the nick.
- What is Toothache? - Ain't you heard
of it? It's the new Ben Elton play.
- Sugar, Sugar?
Ooh, I'm a poet
And I don't know
..it.
Anyway, Ben Elton.
Can you believe it?
I know. It's great. Is he famous?
Oh, Linda,
you really make me laugh.
That's because I'm naturally funny.
Sometimes I walk down the street
and people just burst out laughing.
'Ere, Marilyn Monroe was the same,
only a bit bigger round the hip.
Fat cow!
I ain't read all the script,
but it is great.
He's bringing it out as a play,
a film, a book,
a sitcom and a dance routine at the
same time.
The exposure will be immense.
I thought I'd end up on stage. I
can still get me leg around me neck
with a bottle of tequila inside me.
So can I.
I get both legs up
if it's a really big bottle.
So, um, anyway, um
How did an ex-page-three bimbo get
mixed up in this creme brulee-ish
mess of a theatrical nightmare?
I met the director
and he got all political on me.
Boring! Boring!
Said he could see I was a feminist
cos I left me pants on in Loaded.
Remember them photos Uncle Ernest
took of me in me nappy?
He clicked away for hours.
I was late for work.
So, Mrs Equity,
talk me through your character.
I play Wilma, a hick who roams
the country with her lesbian lover.
She's not been cast, but Denise van
Outen's been fingered.
Nice.
I have three lesbian sex scenes.
It's Ben's most political show ever.
Sugar, Mummy would have been
so proud - your name up in lights.
It's a shame
you can't ring dead people, innit?
The problem is, Sugar,
you can't act.
I was in the school Nativity.
I played the Angel Gabriel.
Yeah, but you named the baby Judith.
- Well, I can't remember everything.
- God, you're so unprofessional.
'Ere, I've had a thought.
What are you doing?
- You want Toothache to be
a big success, don't you? - Of course.
Why are you winking at me?
- You don't want to be a show-up. - No.
Stop it! Stop that!
- Do you know what I'd get,
if I were you? - Surgery?
No, a drama coach. Now do you see
why I was winking at you?
Yes, yes.
So, Sugar, did you know
I was an experienced drama teacher?
- I bet you'd be willing to pay. - Yeah
- I'm loaded. - When can you start?
- Start now, Sugar. - Oh, sod it,
why not? I was only having my bikini
line tinted later. I can cancel.
Let's start with a little warm-up.
Hands and legs a-shaking.
Come on. Hey, what are you doing?
- My director always makes us get
naked. - No, thank you. Panties on,
please. Linda, you're not included.
- What, I take mine off? - No,
in the class you're not included.
Right, we are going to start by
pretending to be a set of bagpipes.
Careful! You nearly banged her head.
Sorry.
Who's a pretty b-b-b-baby?
- Yes, so you see, we're trying for
a baby. - One that looks like that?
Not quite.
Ours will probably be mixed race.
- It's a safe bet. - Really? - To test
our appropriateness for parenthood,
we're caring for Petula for a week.
We have an appointment with our bank
manager this afternoon. If we did
have a baby, we'd need childcare.
- We phoned all the local nurseries.
None of them will take a life-size
doll. - That's astonishing. - Isn't it?
So we wondered if you'd mind
minding her. Bit of a pun there.
I love a bit of PUNNILINGUS
on a Wednesday afternoon.
That's impossible. I'm leading a
drama workshop. I'm tied up all day.
- And I'm observing.
- We'll pay the going rate.
- I'll do it. - Great. She'll need to
take some air at some point.
Her nappy shouldn't need changing
till we're back. Happy baby-sitting.
Oi, cash up front.
That's how it's done.
And it's a tenner an hour.
Whop it on the table.
OK, hush up.
Now this is taken from
a light romantic comedy I wrote,
set in an abortion clinic.
So, from my piece,
Forget-Me-Not Foetus
..you'll read Agamemnon's speech.
Now, Agamemnon is
a 17-year-old smack addict from
small-town Scotland. All right?
COD SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"Och aye the noo, Jimmy!"
Oh, that's brilliant!
You sound just like Lulu.
Look, just be quiet!
"A million tales of woe
have I to tell yae."
Oh, that's so sad.
"Och aye the noo, sweet Jimmy.
"And she takes the razor blade
and slowly slashes her wrists."
No, no, no.
Don't read the stage directions.
- She can read whatever she likes.
- I'm directing this scene. Shut up!
OK, Sugar, my lovely, what say
we try getting it on its feet?
- Which means?
- Just stand up. Get up.
You've just slashed your wrists,
so there's blood seeping all over.
- You've got to remember a lot of
things at the same time. - Yes, you
do.
Right, so, from the top. And
..action.
"Me arms!
"Me arms!
"Me arms is seeping bloodiness
all over!
- "Before they are here,
it'll be up to the galleys" - Stop.
- What are you doing down there? - I'm
the cleaner. I'm mopping the blood.
Just sit down.
Um, Sugar,
that was very good,
but give me a bit more pain.
Think of something that has caused
you great pain, hold on to it,
then try the speech again.
Take a moment to yourself.
That's not quite what I meant.
Right, so you're top of the bill
at the London Palladium.
Play it to the back row.
Action.
Me ar-r-r-rms!
Me ar-r-r-r-r-ms!
- Ooh, she's like a young
Nanette Newman! - Linda!
- AS NANETTE: - We washed
this many dishes in ordinary liquid
and this many in FAIRY Liquid!
Get her out of here!
Cor, I can't even be nice
to me own sister! Blimey!
She never knew when to shut up. We
stuck her in a kennel at the age of
eight, so we could get some sleep!
You make it sound abnormal.
Yes.
Look, are we gonna do some acting
or not?
It was lovely, my kennel.
I had a TV in there
Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.
No, it's a fantastic idea.
Linda, get out!
Oh, I'm going.
This is boring anyway.
Gonna go and see me mates. 'Ere,
I've got loads of mates these days.
- Hey, take Petula with you. - Piss
off! What do you think I am? A mug?
It needs some air. What if it's
one of those dollies that explodes
if you don't look after it?
If you kill it, they'll never
be able to have children.
Good.
Oh, go on, Lin. You'll be great
with that dolly. One day,
you'll be a brilliant mother.
All right, then.
Come on, sweetheart.
Come on, sweetheart.
Ooh, little baby girl.
We're going for walkies.
I'm only looking after it!
Jesus!
Hi.
I'm a social worker.
- What's your name? - Linda.
- Is this your friend?
- No, it's a doll.
- I can get you into a halfway house
by nightfall. - Piss off!
Bloody care in the community!
Bitch! Showing me up like that!
What are you doing?
I'll report you to the NSPCC.
Ah, shut up! It ain't alive!
Now don't explode. Linda loves you.
Bitch!
Hmm.
How are we going to solve
this little conundrum, I wonder.
Can you fit three fingers
inside you?
Yes, you can.
Ease them out gently.
That's good.
Try the sentence once more.
POSH VOICE: Tom, tell me about
your time on EastEnders.
- Was that right? - Very good.
POSH VOICE:
Is it hard work doing a soap?
The miners think they've got it bad,
but they're underground. I was out
in the market in all weathers.
- Who were the majority of your
scenes with? - He was only in one.
Ha-ha! I've got sweets!
My scene was with Dame Patsy Palmer.
Yes, she was very impressed with me.
Very impressed.
She looked me in the eye and said,
"Tom, I'll never forget your genius.
"Next to you, I am but nuffink."
That's amazing!
Ooh, listen to you
speaking all posh!
Only plum that's been in your mouth
was Shane Ritchie's.
Anyway
Would you like to visit the theatre
to see how professionals do it?
- Blinding! - Shall I book for Macbeth?
- I'll get my credit card.
- Great! I'll get me face on.
See, they wanted me to go with 'em,
but there was only two seats left.
What can you do?
Oh, it ain't half great having her
back in my life, though. Yeah.
Ooh, little top-up, babe?
Go on, get that down your mush.
You're drunk!
- Linda, we want Petula back! -
You can't. She's asleep.
- Shh! - JEZ: Linda, please! - No, you
can have her back in the morning.
She's my mate.
Oh, I loved that Lady Thingumabob.
She's got a heart of gold.
- "Lady Thingumabob"? It's Macbeth.
- Oh, yeah.
This is another lesson you must
learn. It's very bad luck to say
- ..in the theatre.
- They were all saying it on stage.
Anyway, I'm gonna shake me lettuce.
Shout us up a Bacardi.
Miss Palmer?
Miss Palmer!
I played "third market browser
on the left". I wore combats.
- You remember me now? - No.
- GEORDIE ACCENT: - "Aye, lass,
that's a classy cagoule."
That was my line. "Aye, lass"
- Get off me. - You're very good,
you know. You're very, very good.
Where did you learn to cry and
shout? You could shout for Walford.
"Oi, Ricky! Oi, Ricky!
"Ricky! Ricky!"
Piss off!
- Sugar! - Hi, Pats.
I didn't expect to see you here.
- How's your piles? - Don't ask.
Come and sit in my box.
I've got a spare seat. - Brilliant!
- Tom, I'm gonna sit with Patsy.
See you tomorrow. - What do you think
of the show? - Oh, it's hilarious.
And she rams this porridge
all down her filthy neck, right?
And then the three bears come back.
The mummy bear goes, "Oi, what
are you doing? Get out of my house
or I'll have the Old Bill on you."
And Goldilocks is like, "Do I
look scared?" Know what I mean?
- And anyway
- Linda, don't pollute that
child's mind with your oral dirt.
- Where's Sugar? - She'll be back
for classes in the morning
I think. No more stories.
- Night, then. - Night.
I wanted her to come back here.
Never mind, pet.
She'll be back in the morning.
Yes.
So, once upon a time, there was
this filthy bitch called Snow White.
She was shagging
these seven dwarves.
I know, it's rotten, innit?
- Morning. - Oh, good morning!
- Where's Sugar? - She'll be here soon.
Look - I'm all over the papers.
"Sugar Walls
and acting coach Tom Farrell
"stepped out in style to see
Macbeth in London's West End."
I couldn't have asked for
better publicity.
She scrubs up well, our Sugar.
Who's that gorgeous creature?
My God, it's me!
I'm in the papers!
What does it say? What does it say?
- "We can revel" - REVEAL. - Reveal.
"that this is
Sugar Walls's beautiful sister."
- That's the truth!
- It doesn't say "beautiful". - No?
- No, it says "backward". - What?
"We can reveal that this is
Sugar Walls's backward sister.
"While Sugar lives the high life
and earns thousands in showbiz,
"disowned, penniless Linda lives
off state benefits in Kentish Town,
"with only a dolly
as her best friend."
I knew I shouldn't have
hung around with that. Cow!
Wait till Sugar gets here.
She'll tell 'em I'm not backward.
The bastards! They're picking on me,
Tom, cos I'm unique.
See this face? It's a curse!
DOORBELL RINGS
That's Sugar. She'll tell 'em
what I'm really like.
- Explain this! - Dragging our daughter
through the gutter! - Where is she?
That slut of a daughter's trouble!
Open the door. It'll be Sugar.
- If you've laid a finger on her
- It's a doll! ..Sugar!
I'm calling the police.
This is kidnap.
REPORTER: Is this the sister,
Sugar?
I've told you,
I'm here for my acting class.
That ugly pig-person is not
my sister. I don't have a sister.
If you'd read my biography,
Top Shelf,
you'd know that I'm an only child -
orphan.
My bedroom, five seconds.
Remember when we used to play
Charlie's Angels with Tracey Boyle?
Do you remember Tracey Boyle? Lived
above the chippy, only had one arm.
Of course. She stank of vinegar.
But you don't remember me -
your own flesh and blood.
- Actually, YOU stank of vinegar.
- Ooh, you just can't help yourself.
- What?
- You've always been jealous of me.
Well, I am sorry
I've got the body of an angel.
I am sorry I am THIS popular.
I am sorry I'm doing all right.
Fate smiled down on me
and made me perfect, and I'm sorry!
I don't know what you see when
you look in the mirror, but it ain't
what the rest of the world sees.
- Now, I'm late for my acting class.
- It's cancelled.
- Right. I'll just go, shall I?
- I think it's wise.
- I might be five years younger
than you - OLDER. - ..but you
will never escape from me.
We're the double of each other.
Folk have always said it -
we could swap heads.
Hmmph!
Hah!
I'm fine.
So it's back to sushi promotion.
Oh, brilliant(!)
This is all your fault, Linda.
Don't have a go at me. I'm
the monkey, not the organ donor!
The inconsiderate little floozy!
Why didn't she at least pay me?
What a bitch!
I wouldn't piss on her
if she was on fire!
I'd get me bellows out
and stoke her up!
Burn, bitch, burn!
Fork her!
Stick a match up her arse!
Light it! Smile!
PHONE RINGS
- Pick that up. - YOU pick it up.
- I'm in distress. - I'm in THIS dress!
ANSWERING MACHINE:
'Ello, leave a message.
'Hi, Tom. Norma here.'
It's my agent. Bugger off!
Good news, darling.
You've been offered a part.
It's Gus, the petrol pump attendant
in Ben Elton's new piece, Toothache.
It's West End, five grand a week,
and no audition.
'Call the office for more details.
Ciao, darling.'
Su Sugar must have put in
a good word for me.
Oh, good old Sugar lumps!
Oh, I've always loved that girl.
She's great - like a sister to me.
Insisting I take the part of Gus.
Gus, the petrol pump attendant.
I can see you with your nozzle in
your hand for all the world to see.
I bet you look gorgeous
in greasy overalls.
I've got some. Shall I put them on?
I'm gonna be a star!
Don't! Me mascara'll run!
Come 'ere!
Ooh! Ooh!
- Who's a clever boy, then?
- I am, Lindy.
I want to put on some overalls
right now.
In a week's time, I'll be on £5,000,
with all the overalls I want.
- Oh, precious child! You'll be
a kept woman. What do you say to
that? - Mine's a Tia Maria and Coke!
We can stop at the garage
and I can grease up my slacks.
PHONE RINGS
ANSWERING MACHINE:
'Ello. Leave a message.
'Tom? Norma here.'
Listen, darling, ignore that last
message. I've ballsed things up.
It wasn't you they wanted, after
all.
I thought they said Tom Farrell,
but it was Tom Marrow, the stand-up
comic who's big in fresh produce.
I thought it was strange
they wanted you.
'Ciao, darling.'
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer ♪
BBC - 2000