Great News (2017) s02e01 Episode Script
Boardroom Bitch
1 Okay, everybody, one minute to air.
- Attention! - Mom, you know you're not allowed in the control room.
I know, but an alert came in on the wire.
China just launched a missile.
- What? - Oh, my God.
Chuck, Portia, scrap everything, China has just launched a missile.
Guys, we're dropping the piece on the Theresa May/Angela Merkel husband swap.
Katie, get someone from DoD on the phone.
On it.
Justin, we need China graphics.
Just reuse the ones from when the pope ate at Panda Express.
Portia, moments like these define us as journalists.
I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can.
You call your loved ones.
You make sure no words are left unsaid, and then you do your job.
Darlene, I know we're not married anymore, but I just need to say, you are a bitch.
[NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC PLAYS.]
Good evening, America.
The unthinkable has happened.
At 3:55 Eastern Time, the People's Republic of China launched a missile.
News daddy says we're gonna die! Don't worry, everyone.
I have a gun.
- [ALL CLAMORING.]
- Oh, God! Someone stole my gun.
Everyone remain calm! Read my mug! No, I'm the leader now! This is Wayne's world! Okay, I hear it.
I know I had the gun in the bathroom - [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Wait, hold on, everybody.
Everybody, shut up! Shut up! Wait, they didn't? You're sure? Mom, where did you see that story? I didn't have my cheaters on.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Aha.
Attention, China did not launch a missile.
It was Blac Chyna, and she launched a lip gloss line.
Oh, my God, that's so much worse! Ugh! Congratulations, everyone.
We just made fake news.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
So the other day was pretty crazy, wasn't it? You mean when we almost kissed? No, I meant when your mother pulled a "War of the Worlds.
" - Oh, yeah.
- Should we talk about that? Maybe we should, 'cause we wouldn't want things to get awkward, 'cause then the words that we talk wouldn't work anymore, for working.
I completely respond.
Darlene, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I thought the world was ending! She's such a bitch.
Thanks, Vladislav.
I don't know why someone would throw out their underwear in there.
Before we begin, I have some news.
Since our big hacking exposé [APPLAUSE.]
Relax, relax.
We've done several bad shows since then.
- We have.
- Since the story forced a number of executives to step down, the board is installing a new network president.
Which means we will be getting a new boss.
So if I need next week off to attend a poorly organized music festival, would I ask him or you? Ideally, neither.
Oh, that's not an option.
I'm the one organizing the festival.
Well, I, for one, can't wait to meet the new boss.
Maybe he can finally get this place back on track.
A return to hard news! [DRAMATICALLY.]
Me talking like this.
And sometimes [SOOTHINGLY.]
Like this.
I don't think that's what people want.
Uh, excuse me? The landscape of cable news has changed.
No one just sits at a desk and says the news anymore.
And do you want to give me one reason why I should listen to your opinions about the news, Vladislav? Because I am not Vladislav.
I'm Diana St.
Tropez.
[ALL GASPING.]
And I'm your new boss.
Diana St.
Tropez! I know her! She wrote that female empowerment book "Boardroom Bitch.
" She's like my idol.
You're the new president of MMN? I'm sorry I "Undercover Bossed" you, but I had to become Vladislav to really get an unbiased sense of this place and the way it runs.
But Vladislav and I showered together.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Diana St.
Tropez.
I am the only female Fortune 500 CEO from a non-shapeware-related company.
I sleep two hours a night.
I'm never not doing Kegels.
And my forte is rebranding struggling companies.
And now I, Diana St.
Tropez, am here to bring "The Breakdown" into the 21st century.
Well, I think "The Breakdown" is just fine the way it is.
We're the number one show in hospitals and on sinking riverboat casinos.
You have an opportunity here.
With America on the verge of eating itself alive, people are finally watching cable news again.
Even I started watching the news.
And you know I only like mystery shows with a strong female lead.
- [ALL MURMUR.]
- That's true.
You are all capable of more than you think you are.
And with my help, we are gonna take "The Breakdown" to number one.
Yes! I've never been number one at anything.
Welcome, Diana.
We are very glad you're here.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Yes! - This is the best! - Wonderful! Oh, I can't believe Diana's our boss.
Her life is everything that I want.
She's a world-renowned journalist with four blue-eyed daughters named Carol? No.
That's what you want for me.
I think I met Diana at an Illuminati meeting.
I mean Burger King.
I just want to make a good impression.
I've read all of her books.
Oh, that's like me and Shakespeare.
Have you read Rick Shakespeare? He writes nasty, funny erotica.
She's so smart.
Listen to this.
"Women need to listen like a man.
"Don't nod or give encouragement, "and when you do speak, never turn a statement into a question.
" I'm pretty sure I don't do that? Damn it? Well, I don't like her.
What? Why? She seems shrill and annoying! Shrill and annoying? Mom, you know why you think that? Internalized sexism.
Older women can't stand seeing a strong woman succeed.
It's why Hillary lost the election.
No, Hillary lost the election because she sent an email to her server at Benihana.
Well, I don't care if you don't like her, Mom, because I'm gonna be her protégé? I'm gonna be her protégé.
[SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
Well, there's obviously something wrong here.
Portia, I'm gonna go fire the desk-measuring guy.
No, no, no, no.
This is part of Diana's revamp of the show.
Two anchors sitting at a desk, reading from a teleprompter isn't what people want anymore.
They want one older anchor reading alone - from a teleprompter? - No.
They want to see someone they agree with argue with someone they don't, because spirited discourse can lead to real solutions.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
I'm kidding, it's just gonna be a bunch of lunatics screaming at each other.
I'm really good at getting people riled up.
One time, I saw Serena Williams at a party, and I was like, "Hey, Venus, how are you?" This is balderdash.
News is not the place for screaming opinions.
The place for that is my mother's grave.
Fine, Chuck.
We don't need to Greg, is it weird that we have all these little tiny chairs and just that one big red chair? Should we lose it? I mean, unless you had someone really powerful and commanding sitting there I could sit there.
Perfect.
Did you just use reverse psychology on him? No, you did.
[SPOON CLINKING.]
Wow.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Ms.
St.
Tropez? Are you my new personal trainer? You better be mean and gay.
They're the only ones I respect.
Oh, I no, I'm Katie.
I'm a huge fan.
I was just hoping to pick your brain? I'm running a multi-billion dollar empire.
I only have five minutes of free time scheduled every day, and I've already used it to write this poem.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
So please, make it quick.
I just I've always wanted a mentor.
You know? Diana? Oh, I get it.
You are listening like a man.
It's fine.
I don't need encouragement.
Anyway, I just feel like I'm working so hard to be taken seriously, and I'm not getting anywhere.
Was that a dumb thing to say? I'm sorry.
Are you mad at me? I'm just really nervous 'cause, once, I had a dream that you were holding me and telling me I was good enough and we were in a lake, topless.
Should I not have told you that? Are you mad at me? Will you mentor me? Am I dead? Are you done? Unfortunately, I don't have time to take on a protégé.
But here's some advice.
Stop doubting yourself.
Focus on your work, and freeze your eggs.
Worrying about your personal life is a distraction.
Take marriage and kids off the table, and you can stay laser-focused on your career.
30 is for working, 50 is for having kids, and 140 is for dying.
Good-bye.
Oh, thank you so much for that advice.
This is really a dream come [DOOR SLAMS.]
So do you want to talk about what happened the other day? What other day? You know when we Our mouths didn't Oh.
I have been so caught up with Diana being here and work Yeah.
No, no, me too.
I just wanted to make sure that you're okay.
You know? Because I'm in a relationship.
Oh, I know, I know.
With Kat, who is a person.
She's in "Heat" right now.
They're doing a Broadway remake of the movie.
Oh, yeah.
Welcome to "The Breakdown.
" - I'm Chuck Pierce.
- And I'm Portia Scott-Griffith.
And on our panel today, we have Obama denier and author of the book "Well, I Never Met Him," Alan Jarvis.
Trans-racial fracking misunderstander Sally Rosenberg, Wiccan priestess and director of the documentary "I Hate the Troops," Imani Fokolo, Ken Simpson, a Kentucky dog groomer who used a religious liberty law to refuse service to a gay dog.
And Rex, a gay dog.
[BARKS.]
Welcome to the program.
Now, I want to begin with a topic I think we can all agree on: racism.
Racism doesn't exist.
We had a black president.
We did? Who? - Well, I think - I feel like I speak for all African-American women when I say we need to sacrifice more goats.
You don't speak for this African-American woman.
- But I think - Now, Rex, I have to imagine you have something to say about animal sacrifice as a homosexual dog who also served in the military.
- What? Shocking.
- [BARKS.]
- All right, but what about - What about - Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- I'm a woman.
Well, you're gonna have to prove that! - I will! I'll show you! - [ALL CLAMORING.]
Well, good luck! I've never seen a naked woman before! I don't even know what one looks like! You felt a little female to me.
Is Chuck okay? He looks like he's gonna throw up.
Who cares? This is great television.
Come on, Chuck.
Get in the game.
Say something.
Now.
One, two, three, now! One, two now! Say it! No! Just say something, you stupid bastard! Show me the facts on that! The show's over, Chuck.
You did really bad.
Ms.
St.
Tropez, could I have a few moments of your time? Of course, come in.
Gerald, could we get a rush installation on that electrified doorknob? Hi, I'm Carol.
I'm an intern here, and I was wondering if I could interview you for our newsletter, specifically "Carol's Corner," my award-wanting column.
Well, normally I would say no, but I've been involved in enough age discrimination lawsuits to know entrapment when I see it.
Oh.
Why don't we begin? First question.
In your book "Everything Your Mother Told You Was a Lie," you seem like a real B-word, so tell me, how dare you? Okay, I get it.
You're a mom, and you don't like the book.
But guess what.
I'm a mom too.
You are? Well, I didn't know that.
Show me some pictures.
Oh, they are so sweet.
Which one is yours? All of them.
Different donor fathers, all carried by surrogates and born on international flights so that they're citizens of the sky.
It's advantageous for tax reasons.
That seems like a nontraditional thing to do.
Well, that's the point.
To answer your question, I wrote that book to show women that they don't have to compromise the way that their mothers did.
They don't have to get married and have kids in their 30s or live next to Carol or have grandchildren who make cookies with Carol or love Carol! Interview over! Oh, hey, Diana.
I wanted to thank you for that advice about freezing my eggs.
I actually saw a fertility doctor this morning.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Turns out it's pretty expensive, but I found a guy who does a payment plan named Dr.
Pizzazz.
Is that who you used? No, my doctor was a uterine drone.
So now that I've followed your advice at great No, I still can't take you on as a protégé.
By the way, how long have you been waiting to run into me in the elevator? I haven't been.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry I'm late.
I would've been here sooner, but my time is more important than yours.
I've got the ratings from last night.
Congratulations, an all-time high for "The Breakdown.
" - How? It was just yelling.
- Precisely.
That is the mood of the nation.
Well, I think I speak for both of us when I say Portia and I are never doing the panel again.
We're a package deal.
We're a team, like Starsky and Hutch, but I'm both of them and the car.
She's all the girl characters.
No, I'll do the panel again.
It was fun.
Dude, what the hell? Good.
Well, maybe tonight, then, Portia will sit in the big red chair, and, Chuck, you can just sit this one out.
What are these? Headshots of young anchormen looking for their big break.
Fine! I'll do it.
Great.
Chuck, the world has changed.
The show is finally catching up.
It's a good thing.
No, I agree.
It is good.
Change is good.
And you gotta change with the times, or you're just irrelevant.
It's good that nobody reads books and old buildings are just knocked down and become new buildings.
And it's good that the ice caps are melting and all the fish are dying because that's gonna make way for a new, better type of sea creature that probably has gills but can walk on the ground, it's got feet, and it can come and find me, and I'm not scared.
I'm not scared! I'm happy! Ha! That things change! Okay, great.
Everyone have a good show.
- Shut up! - There was no 44th president! Remember? Everyone just chilled for eight years.
Okay, pause.
Right there.
So if that guy says something like that today, instead of just sitting there, I'll say, "That is unsubstantiated nonsense! "Oh, and by the way "Uh, nice yellow tie! Where's Curious George?" [LAUGHTER.]
"Where's Curious George?" That's good.
Hey, Chuck is losing it.
I saw him trying to pre-write lines for tonight's show.
So? You know what Diana says in her book: "If he's male, let him fail.
" Usually when I see a white man struggling, it makes me feel hopeful, like that time I saw Mitch McConnell eating a sub and the meatball fell onto his crotch.
So what's the problem? I think I'm feeling, like, sorry for Chuck.
What's happening to me? [EMOTIONALLY.]
Maybe you're changing.
Maybe you don't want to see Chuck struggle because you guys are friends now.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm sorry.
I'm freezing my eggs, and I think the hormones are making me crazy.
I mean, Chuck and I are closer than we used to be, but we are not friends.
So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna let him fail.
Ha-ha! Yeah, girl.
Where have you been all morning? I called you, I called your landlord, and then I looked in your purse, and I found my answer.
Oh, no.
You've been trippin' on smack and goofballs! Those aren't drugs, Mom.
They're hormones.
I'm freezing my eggs.
You're freezing my grandbabies? That's even worse! Did Diana make you do this? She suggested it, but don't you want me to have kids? Yeah, when I'm still alive to meet them, not when I'm dead and stuffed and sitting in the corner of your living room! How about this? I'll take life advice from you when you're the president of a multi-billion-dollar media empire.
Fine, I'll just mind my own business.
You stay away from my Katie! Yah! Have you tired yourself out yet? Oh, I just want Katie to do things the right way.
I want her to get married.
I want her to have unfrozen kids.
What do you mean, "the right way"? You don't want your daughter freezing her eggs, but if she had a baby now, she'd have to take time off from her job.
Fat chance! She's worked so hard to be where she is.
Well, I suppose if she got married, - her husband could stay home.
- Yeah, right.
The only deadbeat living off of Katie is me.
Oh, so a nanny then.
No, I don't want my grandchildren learning a foreign language; I'll raise them.
But you also have a job.
Don't you work here? Well, yeah, but Well, I could quit.
- But what about my dreams? - Be careful.
I'm one of the only women in the world who's figured out how to have it all without going insane.
Maybe if childcare was But moms have so much guilt.
Night nurse.
Mommy blogs.
If a man stayed home once in a while and washed the dishes Pump 'n' dump, pump 'n' dump! Easy one-pot meals! How do we have it all? Wonder Woman was pregnant during reshoots! What's this supposed to prove? A picture of the ocean and a pair of floating sunglasses? Hey, nice tie, Curious Ge Green tie? Oh, shoot.
I don't see color! I'm blind! I do see color, but I wish I didn't! - They're all butt-ugly! - [BARKS.]
That dog needs to go to conversion obedience school! Uh, you know what? Why don't we transition to another hot topic this week: why change is bad.
- Huh? - [ALL CLAMORING.]
Chuck, care to comment on why change is bad? Uh, yes.
Yes, change is bad.
Things were just fine the way they were! Like the news! The news didn't make you feel angry.
It made you feel safe.
Yeah, depending on who you watched.
- I was sad - Not all the anchors And the only men with beards were bums or Santa Clauses.
Oh, and the ocean was so full of fish, you could just reach in and grab one, like a bear! And the guys who were wearing dresses were funny, not brave.
Man, this is good TV! Gotta hand it to Diana.
She knows what she's doing.
Yeah And she knows not to waste her time on someone like me.
You okay? Sorry, I'm not great with emotions.
Growing up, my governess was an actual teapot.
Diana was my hero.
I just thought she would see something in me and take me under her wing, but I guess there was just nothing to see.
Well, then that's the first mistake she's made.
You know how good you are.
If she can't see that, then tell her to go to hell.
I mean, not literally.
She's our very, very powerful boss.
Oh, dear.
You know what, Diana? You can go to hell! - Mom? - What's wrong, Katie? - Why are you crying? - I always cry when you cry.
That's why I never got you vaccinated.
If you get chickenpox, you'll die.
Oh, Mom.
I'm really sorry that we fought.
I know that you wanted me to be married and have kids by now.
I just wanted you to do all the stuff that I did.
But I also wanted you to have a career and do all the things that I didn't get to do.
But now I get it.
Being a modern woman, it's an impossible situation.
I know, right? You know what, Katie? I've decided that I'm going to take you - under my wing after all.
- Really? Because I was so persistent and plucky? No, because if you can endure being raised by a sexist, old-fashioned lunatic None taken.
And still manage to be a driven, semi-adult woman, that means you have great potential.
Plus, I love a challenge.
I run marathons with a full bladder.
You're gonna be my full bladder.
[WEEPING.]
[WEEPING.]
Did you know that women get paid less than men? How is that fair? Ah.
Periods.
- Keep reading, Mom.
- Oh, Katie I don't know how you're gonna do it all.
I just hope you don't miss out on having kids.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me.
Thanks, Mom.
And just 'cause I'm focusing on my career doesn't mean that I've given up on having a family.
Ah, it's fine if you take men off the table.
I haven't taken men off the table.
Well, men have taken you off the table.
It's the same thing.
Mom, men are interested in me.
Really? Like who? Daddy doesn't count.
- Like plenty of people.
- Name one.
Greg.
He tried to kiss me last week.
Oh, no.
Father Kevin, I want to book a wedding for May 27, 2019.
That's right.
It's a Saturday! I already checked! Yes, it's Greg.
You called it!
- Attention! - Mom, you know you're not allowed in the control room.
I know, but an alert came in on the wire.
China just launched a missile.
- What? - Oh, my God.
Chuck, Portia, scrap everything, China has just launched a missile.
Guys, we're dropping the piece on the Theresa May/Angela Merkel husband swap.
Katie, get someone from DoD on the phone.
On it.
Justin, we need China graphics.
Just reuse the ones from when the pope ate at Panda Express.
Portia, moments like these define us as journalists.
I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can.
You call your loved ones.
You make sure no words are left unsaid, and then you do your job.
Darlene, I know we're not married anymore, but I just need to say, you are a bitch.
[NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC PLAYS.]
Good evening, America.
The unthinkable has happened.
At 3:55 Eastern Time, the People's Republic of China launched a missile.
News daddy says we're gonna die! Don't worry, everyone.
I have a gun.
- [ALL CLAMORING.]
- Oh, God! Someone stole my gun.
Everyone remain calm! Read my mug! No, I'm the leader now! This is Wayne's world! Okay, I hear it.
I know I had the gun in the bathroom - [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Wait, hold on, everybody.
Everybody, shut up! Shut up! Wait, they didn't? You're sure? Mom, where did you see that story? I didn't have my cheaters on.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Aha.
Attention, China did not launch a missile.
It was Blac Chyna, and she launched a lip gloss line.
Oh, my God, that's so much worse! Ugh! Congratulations, everyone.
We just made fake news.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
So the other day was pretty crazy, wasn't it? You mean when we almost kissed? No, I meant when your mother pulled a "War of the Worlds.
" - Oh, yeah.
- Should we talk about that? Maybe we should, 'cause we wouldn't want things to get awkward, 'cause then the words that we talk wouldn't work anymore, for working.
I completely respond.
Darlene, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I thought the world was ending! She's such a bitch.
Thanks, Vladislav.
I don't know why someone would throw out their underwear in there.
Before we begin, I have some news.
Since our big hacking exposé [APPLAUSE.]
Relax, relax.
We've done several bad shows since then.
- We have.
- Since the story forced a number of executives to step down, the board is installing a new network president.
Which means we will be getting a new boss.
So if I need next week off to attend a poorly organized music festival, would I ask him or you? Ideally, neither.
Oh, that's not an option.
I'm the one organizing the festival.
Well, I, for one, can't wait to meet the new boss.
Maybe he can finally get this place back on track.
A return to hard news! [DRAMATICALLY.]
Me talking like this.
And sometimes [SOOTHINGLY.]
Like this.
I don't think that's what people want.
Uh, excuse me? The landscape of cable news has changed.
No one just sits at a desk and says the news anymore.
And do you want to give me one reason why I should listen to your opinions about the news, Vladislav? Because I am not Vladislav.
I'm Diana St.
Tropez.
[ALL GASPING.]
And I'm your new boss.
Diana St.
Tropez! I know her! She wrote that female empowerment book "Boardroom Bitch.
" She's like my idol.
You're the new president of MMN? I'm sorry I "Undercover Bossed" you, but I had to become Vladislav to really get an unbiased sense of this place and the way it runs.
But Vladislav and I showered together.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Diana St.
Tropez.
I am the only female Fortune 500 CEO from a non-shapeware-related company.
I sleep two hours a night.
I'm never not doing Kegels.
And my forte is rebranding struggling companies.
And now I, Diana St.
Tropez, am here to bring "The Breakdown" into the 21st century.
Well, I think "The Breakdown" is just fine the way it is.
We're the number one show in hospitals and on sinking riverboat casinos.
You have an opportunity here.
With America on the verge of eating itself alive, people are finally watching cable news again.
Even I started watching the news.
And you know I only like mystery shows with a strong female lead.
- [ALL MURMUR.]
- That's true.
You are all capable of more than you think you are.
And with my help, we are gonna take "The Breakdown" to number one.
Yes! I've never been number one at anything.
Welcome, Diana.
We are very glad you're here.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Yes! - This is the best! - Wonderful! Oh, I can't believe Diana's our boss.
Her life is everything that I want.
She's a world-renowned journalist with four blue-eyed daughters named Carol? No.
That's what you want for me.
I think I met Diana at an Illuminati meeting.
I mean Burger King.
I just want to make a good impression.
I've read all of her books.
Oh, that's like me and Shakespeare.
Have you read Rick Shakespeare? He writes nasty, funny erotica.
She's so smart.
Listen to this.
"Women need to listen like a man.
"Don't nod or give encouragement, "and when you do speak, never turn a statement into a question.
" I'm pretty sure I don't do that? Damn it? Well, I don't like her.
What? Why? She seems shrill and annoying! Shrill and annoying? Mom, you know why you think that? Internalized sexism.
Older women can't stand seeing a strong woman succeed.
It's why Hillary lost the election.
No, Hillary lost the election because she sent an email to her server at Benihana.
Well, I don't care if you don't like her, Mom, because I'm gonna be her protégé? I'm gonna be her protégé.
[SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
Well, there's obviously something wrong here.
Portia, I'm gonna go fire the desk-measuring guy.
No, no, no, no.
This is part of Diana's revamp of the show.
Two anchors sitting at a desk, reading from a teleprompter isn't what people want anymore.
They want one older anchor reading alone - from a teleprompter? - No.
They want to see someone they agree with argue with someone they don't, because spirited discourse can lead to real solutions.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
I'm kidding, it's just gonna be a bunch of lunatics screaming at each other.
I'm really good at getting people riled up.
One time, I saw Serena Williams at a party, and I was like, "Hey, Venus, how are you?" This is balderdash.
News is not the place for screaming opinions.
The place for that is my mother's grave.
Fine, Chuck.
We don't need to Greg, is it weird that we have all these little tiny chairs and just that one big red chair? Should we lose it? I mean, unless you had someone really powerful and commanding sitting there I could sit there.
Perfect.
Did you just use reverse psychology on him? No, you did.
[SPOON CLINKING.]
Wow.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Ms.
St.
Tropez? Are you my new personal trainer? You better be mean and gay.
They're the only ones I respect.
Oh, I no, I'm Katie.
I'm a huge fan.
I was just hoping to pick your brain? I'm running a multi-billion dollar empire.
I only have five minutes of free time scheduled every day, and I've already used it to write this poem.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
So please, make it quick.
I just I've always wanted a mentor.
You know? Diana? Oh, I get it.
You are listening like a man.
It's fine.
I don't need encouragement.
Anyway, I just feel like I'm working so hard to be taken seriously, and I'm not getting anywhere.
Was that a dumb thing to say? I'm sorry.
Are you mad at me? I'm just really nervous 'cause, once, I had a dream that you were holding me and telling me I was good enough and we were in a lake, topless.
Should I not have told you that? Are you mad at me? Will you mentor me? Am I dead? Are you done? Unfortunately, I don't have time to take on a protégé.
But here's some advice.
Stop doubting yourself.
Focus on your work, and freeze your eggs.
Worrying about your personal life is a distraction.
Take marriage and kids off the table, and you can stay laser-focused on your career.
30 is for working, 50 is for having kids, and 140 is for dying.
Good-bye.
Oh, thank you so much for that advice.
This is really a dream come [DOOR SLAMS.]
So do you want to talk about what happened the other day? What other day? You know when we Our mouths didn't Oh.
I have been so caught up with Diana being here and work Yeah.
No, no, me too.
I just wanted to make sure that you're okay.
You know? Because I'm in a relationship.
Oh, I know, I know.
With Kat, who is a person.
She's in "Heat" right now.
They're doing a Broadway remake of the movie.
Oh, yeah.
Welcome to "The Breakdown.
" - I'm Chuck Pierce.
- And I'm Portia Scott-Griffith.
And on our panel today, we have Obama denier and author of the book "Well, I Never Met Him," Alan Jarvis.
Trans-racial fracking misunderstander Sally Rosenberg, Wiccan priestess and director of the documentary "I Hate the Troops," Imani Fokolo, Ken Simpson, a Kentucky dog groomer who used a religious liberty law to refuse service to a gay dog.
And Rex, a gay dog.
[BARKS.]
Welcome to the program.
Now, I want to begin with a topic I think we can all agree on: racism.
Racism doesn't exist.
We had a black president.
We did? Who? - Well, I think - I feel like I speak for all African-American women when I say we need to sacrifice more goats.
You don't speak for this African-American woman.
- But I think - Now, Rex, I have to imagine you have something to say about animal sacrifice as a homosexual dog who also served in the military.
- What? Shocking.
- [BARKS.]
- All right, but what about - What about - Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- I'm a woman.
Well, you're gonna have to prove that! - I will! I'll show you! - [ALL CLAMORING.]
Well, good luck! I've never seen a naked woman before! I don't even know what one looks like! You felt a little female to me.
Is Chuck okay? He looks like he's gonna throw up.
Who cares? This is great television.
Come on, Chuck.
Get in the game.
Say something.
Now.
One, two, three, now! One, two now! Say it! No! Just say something, you stupid bastard! Show me the facts on that! The show's over, Chuck.
You did really bad.
Ms.
St.
Tropez, could I have a few moments of your time? Of course, come in.
Gerald, could we get a rush installation on that electrified doorknob? Hi, I'm Carol.
I'm an intern here, and I was wondering if I could interview you for our newsletter, specifically "Carol's Corner," my award-wanting column.
Well, normally I would say no, but I've been involved in enough age discrimination lawsuits to know entrapment when I see it.
Oh.
Why don't we begin? First question.
In your book "Everything Your Mother Told You Was a Lie," you seem like a real B-word, so tell me, how dare you? Okay, I get it.
You're a mom, and you don't like the book.
But guess what.
I'm a mom too.
You are? Well, I didn't know that.
Show me some pictures.
Oh, they are so sweet.
Which one is yours? All of them.
Different donor fathers, all carried by surrogates and born on international flights so that they're citizens of the sky.
It's advantageous for tax reasons.
That seems like a nontraditional thing to do.
Well, that's the point.
To answer your question, I wrote that book to show women that they don't have to compromise the way that their mothers did.
They don't have to get married and have kids in their 30s or live next to Carol or have grandchildren who make cookies with Carol or love Carol! Interview over! Oh, hey, Diana.
I wanted to thank you for that advice about freezing my eggs.
I actually saw a fertility doctor this morning.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Turns out it's pretty expensive, but I found a guy who does a payment plan named Dr.
Pizzazz.
Is that who you used? No, my doctor was a uterine drone.
So now that I've followed your advice at great No, I still can't take you on as a protégé.
By the way, how long have you been waiting to run into me in the elevator? I haven't been.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry I'm late.
I would've been here sooner, but my time is more important than yours.
I've got the ratings from last night.
Congratulations, an all-time high for "The Breakdown.
" - How? It was just yelling.
- Precisely.
That is the mood of the nation.
Well, I think I speak for both of us when I say Portia and I are never doing the panel again.
We're a package deal.
We're a team, like Starsky and Hutch, but I'm both of them and the car.
She's all the girl characters.
No, I'll do the panel again.
It was fun.
Dude, what the hell? Good.
Well, maybe tonight, then, Portia will sit in the big red chair, and, Chuck, you can just sit this one out.
What are these? Headshots of young anchormen looking for their big break.
Fine! I'll do it.
Great.
Chuck, the world has changed.
The show is finally catching up.
It's a good thing.
No, I agree.
It is good.
Change is good.
And you gotta change with the times, or you're just irrelevant.
It's good that nobody reads books and old buildings are just knocked down and become new buildings.
And it's good that the ice caps are melting and all the fish are dying because that's gonna make way for a new, better type of sea creature that probably has gills but can walk on the ground, it's got feet, and it can come and find me, and I'm not scared.
I'm not scared! I'm happy! Ha! That things change! Okay, great.
Everyone have a good show.
- Shut up! - There was no 44th president! Remember? Everyone just chilled for eight years.
Okay, pause.
Right there.
So if that guy says something like that today, instead of just sitting there, I'll say, "That is unsubstantiated nonsense! "Oh, and by the way "Uh, nice yellow tie! Where's Curious George?" [LAUGHTER.]
"Where's Curious George?" That's good.
Hey, Chuck is losing it.
I saw him trying to pre-write lines for tonight's show.
So? You know what Diana says in her book: "If he's male, let him fail.
" Usually when I see a white man struggling, it makes me feel hopeful, like that time I saw Mitch McConnell eating a sub and the meatball fell onto his crotch.
So what's the problem? I think I'm feeling, like, sorry for Chuck.
What's happening to me? [EMOTIONALLY.]
Maybe you're changing.
Maybe you don't want to see Chuck struggle because you guys are friends now.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm sorry.
I'm freezing my eggs, and I think the hormones are making me crazy.
I mean, Chuck and I are closer than we used to be, but we are not friends.
So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna let him fail.
Ha-ha! Yeah, girl.
Where have you been all morning? I called you, I called your landlord, and then I looked in your purse, and I found my answer.
Oh, no.
You've been trippin' on smack and goofballs! Those aren't drugs, Mom.
They're hormones.
I'm freezing my eggs.
You're freezing my grandbabies? That's even worse! Did Diana make you do this? She suggested it, but don't you want me to have kids? Yeah, when I'm still alive to meet them, not when I'm dead and stuffed and sitting in the corner of your living room! How about this? I'll take life advice from you when you're the president of a multi-billion-dollar media empire.
Fine, I'll just mind my own business.
You stay away from my Katie! Yah! Have you tired yourself out yet? Oh, I just want Katie to do things the right way.
I want her to get married.
I want her to have unfrozen kids.
What do you mean, "the right way"? You don't want your daughter freezing her eggs, but if she had a baby now, she'd have to take time off from her job.
Fat chance! She's worked so hard to be where she is.
Well, I suppose if she got married, - her husband could stay home.
- Yeah, right.
The only deadbeat living off of Katie is me.
Oh, so a nanny then.
No, I don't want my grandchildren learning a foreign language; I'll raise them.
But you also have a job.
Don't you work here? Well, yeah, but Well, I could quit.
- But what about my dreams? - Be careful.
I'm one of the only women in the world who's figured out how to have it all without going insane.
Maybe if childcare was But moms have so much guilt.
Night nurse.
Mommy blogs.
If a man stayed home once in a while and washed the dishes Pump 'n' dump, pump 'n' dump! Easy one-pot meals! How do we have it all? Wonder Woman was pregnant during reshoots! What's this supposed to prove? A picture of the ocean and a pair of floating sunglasses? Hey, nice tie, Curious Ge Green tie? Oh, shoot.
I don't see color! I'm blind! I do see color, but I wish I didn't! - They're all butt-ugly! - [BARKS.]
That dog needs to go to conversion obedience school! Uh, you know what? Why don't we transition to another hot topic this week: why change is bad.
- Huh? - [ALL CLAMORING.]
Chuck, care to comment on why change is bad? Uh, yes.
Yes, change is bad.
Things were just fine the way they were! Like the news! The news didn't make you feel angry.
It made you feel safe.
Yeah, depending on who you watched.
- I was sad - Not all the anchors And the only men with beards were bums or Santa Clauses.
Oh, and the ocean was so full of fish, you could just reach in and grab one, like a bear! And the guys who were wearing dresses were funny, not brave.
Man, this is good TV! Gotta hand it to Diana.
She knows what she's doing.
Yeah And she knows not to waste her time on someone like me.
You okay? Sorry, I'm not great with emotions.
Growing up, my governess was an actual teapot.
Diana was my hero.
I just thought she would see something in me and take me under her wing, but I guess there was just nothing to see.
Well, then that's the first mistake she's made.
You know how good you are.
If she can't see that, then tell her to go to hell.
I mean, not literally.
She's our very, very powerful boss.
Oh, dear.
You know what, Diana? You can go to hell! - Mom? - What's wrong, Katie? - Why are you crying? - I always cry when you cry.
That's why I never got you vaccinated.
If you get chickenpox, you'll die.
Oh, Mom.
I'm really sorry that we fought.
I know that you wanted me to be married and have kids by now.
I just wanted you to do all the stuff that I did.
But I also wanted you to have a career and do all the things that I didn't get to do.
But now I get it.
Being a modern woman, it's an impossible situation.
I know, right? You know what, Katie? I've decided that I'm going to take you - under my wing after all.
- Really? Because I was so persistent and plucky? No, because if you can endure being raised by a sexist, old-fashioned lunatic None taken.
And still manage to be a driven, semi-adult woman, that means you have great potential.
Plus, I love a challenge.
I run marathons with a full bladder.
You're gonna be my full bladder.
[WEEPING.]
[WEEPING.]
Did you know that women get paid less than men? How is that fair? Ah.
Periods.
- Keep reading, Mom.
- Oh, Katie I don't know how you're gonna do it all.
I just hope you don't miss out on having kids.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me.
Thanks, Mom.
And just 'cause I'm focusing on my career doesn't mean that I've given up on having a family.
Ah, it's fine if you take men off the table.
I haven't taken men off the table.
Well, men have taken you off the table.
It's the same thing.
Mom, men are interested in me.
Really? Like who? Daddy doesn't count.
- Like plenty of people.
- Name one.
Greg.
He tried to kiss me last week.
Oh, no.
Father Kevin, I want to book a wedding for May 27, 2019.
That's right.
It's a Saturday! I already checked! Yes, it's Greg.
You called it!