Grimsburg (2024) s02e01 Episode Script

1
DORIS: Oh!
You're leaving again, Larry?
LARRY: Doris, I'm a traveling
sex salesman.
It's right there in the name.
Now, stop voicing your opinion.
It's the fifties.
We should be hating Elvis
on a bulbous TV.
DORIS: You're right, dear.
I'm sorry. [Chuckles]
How's your Salisbury steak?
LARRY: Chewy, like all dowdy
housewife meals at this time.
- But something's different.
- DORIS: Maybe that's the poison.
[Larry coughing]
Where are my cigarettes?
- They'll fix this!
- DORIS: Of course they will.
They fix everything!
Which is why I threw them away!
So I could watch you die!
I cook your food,
I clean your house,
I lay there completely still
while you have sex with me.
And all I ask is that you
acknowledge what I do for you.
LARRY: Damn Elvis' pelvis!
Aah! [Thud]
DORIS: Hope you had a nice trip!
[Laughs]
Great 48 states!
I poisoned the wine, too!
Uhh.
[Glass shatters]
[Theme music plays]
[Explosion]
[Alarm beeping]
Huh!
[Beeping stops]
FLUTE: My ice cream was too
frozen, so, I tried using
the microwave to heat up a
metal spoon to cut through it.
Don't worry.
I can fix it.
Do you have a screwdriver
I can heat up?
HARMONY: Ugh, I should have
married my stalker.
Uhh!
Ugh. God, having you live here
is such a nightmare.
FLUTE: You think I like living
in your basement for free?
I hardly get any Wi-Fi
down there.
It crapped out halfway through
Naomi Campbell's
Masterclass on
Modeling Fundamentals.
HARMONY: Well, you could
move out.
But that won't happen
because you are not,
- and never will be, an adult.
- FLUTE: I can leave? Great.
I was only here
to help you with Stain.
Wait. Is that his name?
Is Stain even a name?
I guess anything can
be a name these days.
God, I'm glad I'm not a parent.
STAN: Dad, can you pass out
on my arm
while telling me about
a gruesome murder?
FLUTE: Sorry. I can't.
Your mom thinks I'm not an adult,
so, I gotta move out
to make her eat farts.
You're the man of the house now.
STAN: Uh, are you sure
that's a good idea?
I'm still only allowed to bathe
in 4 inches of water.
FLUTE: You'll be fine.
It all comes down to one rule:
never admit you made a mistake.
Good-bye, Stain.
[Snaps fingers]
[Disco music playing]
Aah!
[Thud]
I only got half the class!
MR. FLESH: Way to go,
Stan of the house!
Ooh, it seems
you've messed your pants.
Let me draw you a shallow bath.
MARTINEZ: Summers!
Where's your partner?
It's already 9:30 and he
hasn't insulted me yet.
- I'm insulted.
- FLUTE: Can you keep it down?
I'm not done with
my dream journal.
"Attacked by a pasta goblin."
What do you think that means?
MARTINEZ: Are you living
under your desk?
FLUTE: No, I am crashing
under my desk.
Harmony kicked me out for,
get this, not being an adult.
- [Sniffs] Hmm.
- KANG: Pay up, Martinez.
I told you he'd be homeless
before the year was out.
FLUTE: Wait.
You bet on my personal life?
KANG: Oh, yeah. Your divorce
paid for my parka.
I parlayed it
with your mental breakdown.
FLUTE: I expected more
of you, Martinez.
In lieu of an apology,
I will let you let me stay at your place.
MARTINEZ: I got 5 kids.
Don't need a sixth.
Or the fourth one, really.
FLUTE: Hey, Wynona, you're
young, so I assume you live
in a loft with 5 never-at-
their-job roommates
of various ethnicities
and comedic archetypes.
What's one more? I can be the
cute one and the slutty one.
WYNONA: Sorry, but they're
already mad at me
for using the living room
as a mini-morgue.
I'm the weird one.
FLUTE: What about you,
Summers, old pal?
Best partner a guy could ask for,
and next person in my field of vision.
SUMMERS: My prayers have been answered.
Thank you, Cyborg Jesus!
You want the top bunk
or the bottom?
FLUTE: Hard thick pass.
What about you, Kang?
KANG: I'm a grown ass immortal.
I stopped having roommates
in my 200s.
- Maybe you should, too.
- FLUTE: Fine. I'll find my own place
and prove I'm a better adult
than any of you.
See? Perfectly dry.
MR. FLESH: Hmm.
You're really taking this
- man of the house thing seriously.
- STAN: I don't understand bills.
Do you know
how to write a check?
MR. FLESH: Sorry. I only
know how to forge 'em.
[Knocking on door]
BOONE: Hey, young fella, is
the man of the house around,
- or are you home alone?
- STAN: I'm the man of the house.
BOONE: Oh, that's good.
That's very good.
See you around.
STAN: What a nice, unshaven man.
MR. FLESH: That guy was
clearly casing the joint.
STAN: Oh.
Maybe I should tell Mom.
MR. FLESH: No! You're the man
of the house now.
Men only confide in
bartenders and barbers
who later blab it
to other customers.
Admittedly, it's a broken system,
but this we can handle.
[School bell rings]
[Door opens]
- FLUTE: Pentos, I need your help.
- Oh! A bomb scare at City Hall?
A mysterious bag
of hitchhikers' thumbs?
A terrorist texting taunting tidings
and now it's a race
against the clock?
FLUTE: Harm threw me out.
Can I stay with you?
PENTOS: It's never the thumbs.
Well, as much as I'd love
to be the Bertram to your Ernie,
the school won't allow it.
But lucky for you, I recently
procured my real estate license
to supplement my poultry income.
And that was not my accent
playing tricks on you.
They pay teachers
in chickens now.
[Chicken clucks]
♪
[Cheering and applause]
PENTOS: Oh, this is your last option.
800 Bless Street.
FLUTE: Good neighborhood.
Mid-century modern,
just like my miniatures.
Plus the name and number
together spell "Boobless."
This place is a dream.
So, what's the catch?
PENTOS: All it says is the
original owners died of laughter.
And, uh, the last tenant claimed
the house was haunted of laughter.
I mean, if laughter is a crime,
then no wonder Matt Rife
is a free man.
Now, let's go sign the paperwork.
[Spooky music]
♪
FLUTE: Ugh. How do you get
hot sauce out of a shirt?
Is it more hot sauce?
I'm useless.
Maybe I'm not an adult.
Uhh!
[Bottle clanks]
Chloe Grace Moretz!
This house is haunted!
Ugh! Who's there?
DORIS: I'm Doris.
And like the stain on your shirt,
I can no longer be seen.
FLUTE: So, you're
a friendly ghost like Casper
and not a scary ghost
like Tilda Swinton?
DORIS: Say, why aren't you
hightailing it out of here
like everyone else who moves in?
FLUTE: Because I got nowhere to go.
And you'll be the one running
once you see
how useless I am
around the house.
DORIS: But you're a man.
Why would you need
to do anything?
FLUTE: A man respected for
doing nothing in his own home?
What were those Mad Men
so mad about?
DORIS: Are you hungry?
A Waldorf salad might be grand.
FLUTE: Hmm.
I never want to leave.
DORIS: And you never will.
[Laughs]
FLUTE: Your laugh is equal parts
creepy and sweet.
Just like this salad is equal
parts mayonnaise and grapes.
Waldorf must have
been real backed up.
[Laughter]
The creepy guy is back.
I can't even pay a bill.
How am I supposed
to handle this?
MR. FLESH: You ever seen
"Home Alone"?
Well, yeah, but
would that work in real life?
MR. FLESH: Sure. If that tiny
kid could be the man of the house
and save the day by getting
emancipated from his parents
while allegedly dealing with
a crippling drug addiction
that blew through most of his
millions, then so can you.
STAN: Are you saying
I have to do drugs?
MR. FLESH: Well, nobody has to.
Now, let's go find some rope
and paint cans and uppers.
[Laughs]
♪
MAN: I love you ♪
Believe me, I love you so ♪
You're the most beautiful
girl in the world ♪
Love you more than
you'll ever know ♪
DORIS: Oh, Marvin, thank you
so much for trimming my bush.
It hadn't been that full
since the seventies.
FLUTE: I plucked out all
the stray gray flowers as well.
[Doris giggles]
FLUTE: Hey, what's behind here?
DORIS: It's my lady cave.
FLUTE: I can't find the opening.
Can you guide me in?
DORIS: Just go slowly, Marvin,
would you?
Why, nobody's been
in here for years.
FLUTE: Bigger than
I thought it would be.
DORIS: Well, I'm sorry I'm
not a perky 25-year-old house.
Ahem. Now, why don't you
lay down in my silky folds?
FLUTE: I would,
but I'm not dressed for bed.
And awaaay we go!
Fifties reference.
[Doris giggles]
[Flute groans]
DORIS: Oh, Flutie-patootie,
you made this old house
feel like a woman again.
FLUTE: Now that I've been
in here, maybe we can
try your basement next.
DORIS: Oh, no.
I couldn't live with myself
if the women in my
crossed-ankle sitting club
found out about that.
FLUTE: What if I just
poked my head in?
DORIS: No! It gets a bit stinky.
Thank goodness there's
a little vent. Ha!
Anyway, I haven't even
met your friends yet.
Maybe you'd want to
invite them to dinner.
FLUTE: That's great!
It's the perfect way to show them
how self-sufficient I am.
DORIS: You're quite a man.
Which makes me think
maybe you're ready to go again.
FLUTE: [Laughs]
No.
SUMMERS: Look, I hate the
idea of you on the streets.
You should move in with me.
We don't have to share bunk
beds or braid your hair.
I can just brush it.
- Aaagh!
- KANG: I rarely use this word, but dayum.
FLUTE: That's right.
I am now a practicing adult.
No "erer" this time.
And I'd like to invite you all
to my adult party.
WYNONA: I've never been to
a real dinner party before,
but I've seen plenty through
my ex-boyfriend's window.
MARTINEZ:
Something's fishy here.
FLUTE: Maybe it's
the Lobster Newburg
I'm making for tonight.
See you then.
MARTINEZ: There's no way he's
gonna pull this party off, right?
KANG: You wanna bet?
[All shouting at once]
MARTINEZ: OK. I got 50 bucks
that Flute has someone
secretly helping him,
20 on one damn hand towel
in the bathroom,
and give me the under on oversharing
the size of his morning dooty.
WYNONA: My life savings on the
trifecta of his party playlist being
- Pearl Jam, on Pandora, with ads.
- KANG: That is your life savings?
WYNONA: I put all my money
in Dogecoin because
someone I never met
on Reddit told me to.
I was a billionaire for 3 hours.
Now I eat mustard sandwiches.
SUMMERS: How can you do this?
Shouldn't we be wishing
our friend the best?
Which in this case would be
moving in with me?
MARTINEZ:
He's never moving in with you.
- You wanna bet?
- KANG: That's what we're doing.
SUMMERS: Oh, right.
Then I'll wager
- my salary plus the Cuddle Crew.
- KANG: You're serious?
SUMMERS:
More serious than Mr. Serious.
VERNADETTE:
I'll bet my Miranda rights
he's using paper towels
for toilet paper.
[Owl hooting]
STAN: You sure about this?
MR. FLESH: When that door opens,
it'll set off a hilarious chain
of events, culminating in you
learning the true meaning of family.
Or some stupid crap.
[Both gasp]
♪
- STAN: Oh, my God!
- This is not as PG as I remembered.
We gotta call the cops!
Or your mom.
STAN: No. We can't.
It's like Dad said.
The man of the house never
admits he made a mistake.
But we just Artie Lange's
nosed this man's entire face!
STAN: You get his feet,
I'll grab his mushy skull.
[Doorbell rings]
PENTOS: Marvin, my number one
and only client!
I hope you don't mind.
I put a sign in your yard.
SUMMERS: Oh, cute place.
I see your carpet
isn't a cartoon map of a little
city you can drive toy cars on.
I guess if that's
how you want to live.
MARTINEZ: Clean floors,
matching furniture.
There's definitely
a woman behind this.
- FLUTE: Are you wearing a princess outfit?
- They don't make
sexy cocktail dresses
in a kids 7, nor should they.
WYNONA: 1950s music?!
Great. I lost my bet.
I woulda blown it on crypto anyways.
KANG: Better luck next time, losers.
Daddy's getting a new pair of
sensible shoes.
FLUTE: You bet against me?
Never bet against the house.
And by the house I mean me
because I did all this
and not the house.
KANG: I've been here before.
DORIS: Your friends seem so nice.
When are you
going to introduce me?
FLUTE: That's a sad group
out there.
We shouldn't rub our
relationship in their faces.
Let's take it slow and just rub in
how well I'm
doing on my own first.
- Especially to Harmony.
- DORIS: Your ex-wife is coming?
FLUTE: Of course.
The whole point of divorce
is to spend the rest
of your life trying to hurt
the person you once publicly
declared your love for.
[Doorbell rings]
That must be her.
♪
Thanks for dressing up for dinner.
HARMONY:
Dinner? I rented a U-Haul.
I thought the invite was for me
to help you move back in.
Wow, this place is magazine nice.
- FLUTE: Where's your kid?
- I left him home alone.
He's fine.
He's the man of the house now.
♪
MR. FLESH: Stan Marino,
I'm starting to think
this might qualify as a mistake.
STAN: Never!
We dump him in the lake.
Avoid being seen.
Forget it happened.
[Tires screech]
[Bottle breaks]
MR. FLESH:
OK, now we need to call somebody.
STAN: Man! Of! The! House!
[Breathing heavily]
Tonight, I'm gonna take
the deepest bath.
[R&B music playing]
WYNONA: Maybe we were
wrong about Flute.
SUMMERS: He really is
doing great on his own.
I knew I jinxed it when I
installed those his and his toilets.
FLUTE: May I have your attention
by doing something
people only do in movies?
[Taps on glass]
Thank you. I thought now might
be a good time for you all
to apologize for betting against me.
MARTINEZ: I can admit
when I'm wrong.
I checked every bathroom and
couldn't find a single lady hair.
Just a disturbing amount of Flubes.
Flute's pubes. I say it enough
that it warrants the portmanteau.
FLUTE: Thank you.
Harm, you've been quiet.
Anything you'd like to admit
you were an idiot for thinking?
HARMONY: Yeah. There's plenty of
idiotic things I could admit to.
Subscribing to Quibi,
using scented tampons,
buying not one but two
Ninja CREAMis.
Now I guess I can add
"Thinking you couldn't
survive without me" to that list.
- FLUTE: Thank y
- DORIS: Tell them about me.
FLUTE: Well, this was fun.
Drive home safe.
MARTINEZ: Aha! I knew there
was a woman here. Pay up, Kang!
DORIS:
You're no better than my Larry!
KANG: Larry?
[All gasp]
[Flute grunting]
MARTINEZ: Aah!
KANG: Now I remember.
I was on a suicide case here years ago,
and her husband Larry went missing.
DORIS: That's right!
And there are about to be
several more missing people!
[Laughs]
- ALL: Aah!
- Ow!
PENTOS: This may be
an awkward moment to ask,
but do you have
my commission check?
♪
[Summers grunts]
I've tried everything.
It's a 1950s nuclear war bunker.
We're trapped.
WYNONA: Looks like her husband
never found a way out, either.
MARTINEZ: And our phones
don't work.
Now I'll never get to yell at
my beautiful, stupid kids again.
SUMMERS: And I'll never get to
be roommates with Flute.
Except in here.
Which means I won!
Pay up, Kang.
KANG: Sorry, Summers,
but all bets are off.
Unless you want to wager
on who I'll eat first,
since I'm the only one
that can't die in here.
HARMONY: If you can't die,
then why eat us?
KANG: Eh, gotta do something
to fill the time.
MARTINEZ: Oh, great.
Now the walls are bleeding.
FLUTE: Well, at least I know
I didn't get her pregnant.
MARTINEZ: This is all
Orange Frankenstein's fault
- for renting Flute this house.
- PENTOS: Just for that,
you're not getting a computer
signed Christmas card.
And any blame should fall
squarely on blondie
for kicking him out in the first place.
HARMONY: It is my fault
that I booted a man
so vile he can even disappoint
dead women?
SUMMERS: Maybe if Kang
hadn't turned this into
a money-making scheme, we
could have been more helpful.
KANG: Can't wait to eat your nose.
[All talking at once]
[Clanging]
FLUTE: Look at yourselves.
You're all fighting
instead of trying to get out of here.
Sure, I may not be an adult,
but guess what?
Neither are any of you.
Wynona's only friends are corpses.
Summers is afraid to live alone.
Martinez only
talks about her children
because she has
nothing else of interest,
and Kang can't die, which is all
any real adult thinks about.
Sorry to vent, but wait.
My crime mind is tingling.
[Doris giggles]
[Funk music playing]
FLUTE ON SCREEN: And awaaay we go!
Fifties reference.
Mm.
[Doris giggles]
FLUTE: Uh, excuse me. Pardon me.
Your ween is out.
Yours, too. And yours.
Should mine be out?
I don't wanna get in trouble.
DORIS: Thank goodness
there's a little vent.
[Echoing] Little vent.
Little vent. Little vent.
FLUTE: "A little vent."
That's it!
Wow, that is one hairy butt.
That's it.
There's a tiny vent in here,
and I bet Martinez can fit through it.
MARTINEZ: Uhh!
HARMONY: Oh, I hope
she makes it out
so I can see my sweet baby's
face one more time.
MR. FLESH: I say this
without a hint of comedy.
What's the plan, Stan?
[Crash]
- What the crap is it now?!
- CARJACKER: Out of the car.
STAN: It's all yours.
[Bodies groaning]
CARJACKER: Oh. No thanks.
[Gun cocks]
STAN: In the car. Now.
[Knife clatters]
[Engine starts]
CARJACKER: Uhh!
[Tires screech]
STAN: No wonder my dad moved out.
Being the man of the house sucks!
MR. FLESH: Starting to have
more compassion for how
Macaulay ended up the way he did.
[Rumbling]
MARTINEZ: Aah!
DORIS: How dare you try
and sneak in my back door
while I was bending over
backwards cleaning?!
Now I'm going to pinch it shut
and none of you will ever leave.
FLUTE: No!
DORIS: I'm sick of everyone
using and leaving me
like I'm some seedy Airbnb.
FLUTE: You're right.
That's not fairbnb.
I was using you to make me
seem like an adult, but I'm not.
I don't know how to clean
my own clothes.
Whenever I draw a picture
with a sun in it,
it's always
in the top right corner,
and I still pull my pants
all the way down to pee.
But the most not adult thing
was that
I didn't appreciate you.
DORIS: No man ever has.
And now I'm going to be
alone again.
I don't want to go back to that.
That bush was so out of control.
FLUTE: Release all my friends
and I'll stay in this house
forever with you and never
step out that door again.
DORIS: You would do that for me?
FLUTE: I'm your
Flutie-patootie, aren't I?
♪
SUMMERS: Thanks, Flute.
My bottom bunk
will remain untouched forever.
Unless I want to move
down there 'cause I saw
a spider on the ceiling.
PENTOS: I trust you'll have
the decency not to mention
this clusterfumble in
my Angie's List review.
HARMONY: This is the most adult
thing I've ever seen you do.
I'm sorry I threw you out
and now you have to die
a sex slave for this needy house.
FLUTE: And I'm sorry
I didn't flush at least once
while I lived with you.
[Engine starts]
Well, it's just you and me, Doris.
DORIS: I'm sorry I ruined dinner.
Can I make you some
Jell-O with ham chunks?
FLUTE: No, I'll make dinner.
DORIS: Thank you, darling.
I'm going to go
blast the humidifier
in the pink room.
It takes a little longer
than it used to.
[Beeping]
DORIS: Marvin, my dear,
do you smell gas?
FLUTE: Aah!
Take that, dead spirit
that only wanted
to be loved
and to take care of someone!
[Laughs]
I'm never getting my deposit back.
NEWCASTER: And finally,
in "scare you right before bed" news,
3 wanted fugitives were found
barely alive in a stolen car.
FLUTE: Um, how much money
did you make
on the settlement from your accident?
SUMMERS: Plenty.
Not to mention all the cash
I made from my bet with Kang
now that you're my roomie,
roomie. [Giggle]
FLUTE: I think this might actually
work out really well for me.
SUMMERS: For us.
We're gonna work together,
live together, eat together,
sleep together,
dream together,
scream together, master
FLUTE: Can you just give me
a lift to my bunk?
SUMMERS: Next stop, top bunk.
Hee hee!
- There's a spider up here.
- SUMMERS: I know.
That's why I picked
the bottom bunk.
Ooh, and I should warn you,
I have a bit of a snoring problem.
They programmed me to snore
so I'd seem more lifelike,
and it can't be stopped.
G'night!
[Snoring]
[Dog barking]