Hacks (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1 - [RUMBLING.]
- BOTH: [GASPS.]
[PHONE CHIMING.]
Wow, your phone's really blowing up.
- What's happening? - [CHIMING CONTINUES.]
I'm not getting service.
Oh, my God, what did you do? Okay, okay.
I can explain.
Drop it! Drop it! Barry, drop it.
You know grapes can kill you.
Reach into his mouth.
Reach into his mouth! Barry, look at Mommy.
Look at Mommy.
Spit it out.
[DIANA ROSS' "THAT'S HOW YOU START OVER".]
I love that smell! [LAUGHS.]
Jet fuel and melting rubber? Yup.
Vegas, baby.
- Welcome home.
- Thank you.
Are you headed to the Shops At Crystals? No, no, straight to the house.
You know, you go ahead.
I'm just gonna call a car and head back to the Palmetto, I have some stuff to get, I have a couple calls to make, so No, you're going with me.
We got a lot of work to do, kiddo.
I just want to lend an ear ♪ You can run for cover ♪ Oh, but darling, don't you see ♪ For every smile, there's a teardrop ♪ And that's just how it's gonna be ♪ So it went wrong ♪ That was fast.
No, no, it's good.
It's good.
That was the old show.
I'm done with that.
We're gonna work this new one out on the road and it's gonna get me a bigger and better residency.
And the Palmetto can kiss my ass.
Totally.
You know, I haven't been this excited about my material in years.
It's invigorating when you bomb and you have to start from scratch.
It's like when you clean out your closet and you buy a whole new wardrobe.
Can't relate.
I still wear my bras from the eighth grade.
Now those bras you should burn.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
Oh, put him on speaker.
I need to talk to him.
- Jimmy.
- Are you trying to put me in the ground? Uh, you're here it's me and Deborah in the car.
Oh, hey, Deborah.
I'm on speaker.
What are you guys doing? I wanna have a meeting in 20 to plan this tour.
I'll get Damien and Marcus.
We'll call you back.
Great and Ava, maybe afterward you can just give me a quick call, you can just catch Hey, Ben, turn that up.
Until you finally learn ♪ Isn't that the point of it ♪ Is that love will come again ♪ That's how you start over ♪ That's how you begin again ♪ Kayla, we've been over what is inappropriate behavior in the past.
I said I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm being, like, arrested for wearing pajamas on a business trip.
They were not pajamas.
It was silk lingerie.
Okay, the fashion police is here.
I didn't know I was going on a trip with Stacy London.
Okay guys, let's be careful not to police anyone's fashion, but also, Kayla, it did make Jimmy uncomfortable.
Look, I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with her staying on my desk.
But I don't, like, get that because he was, like, my babysitter.
Like, he's changed my diapers.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are you talking about? I was not your babysitter.
We were around each other as kids 'cause our dads were in business together, but I never babysat you.
Um, I literally remember you changing my diaper.
Ew, Kayla! You don't remember being a baby.
You don't even remember my lunch order.
Uh, Mendocino Farms Chinese chicken salad! Well that's a first! Kayla, your behavior was interpreted as a sexual advance and anything of a sexual nature is against Latitude's code of conduct.
Okay, I just think that it's gonna be hard because, you know, we work in the entertainment business.
And every movie or TV show's about sex.
That is so not true.
Name one movie that's not about sex.
"Sophie's Choice", "Schindler's List", "Saving Private Ryan.
" Okay, name one movie that's not about sex or Nazis.
- "Cast Away.
" - That's about masturbation.
Okay, Barbara, help me out here please.
Um, "Babe: Pig In The City.
" Oh, my God.
Okay, so on this tour I wanna do 35 dates before Christmas.
That means I think we should start in the San Francisco Orpheum and move our way east.
Love that idea, but I do think a lot of the larger venues are likely already booked.
That's fine.
I'll do drop ins.
I'll do whatever it takes.
I mean, I don't expect this to be a money maker.
It's all about back to basics.
And we need a really good tour manager, Vinny DeMoan.
Oh, uh, he died.
Oh.
Did we send flowers? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Well, we gotta get somebody really good.
Okay, yup.
I'll have Kayla check some avails.
Love it.
Oh, by the way, put Helen and Marcel on retainer so that they're available when I get the new residency.
So they've already put in their two weeks' notice.
They're doing makeup for the Blue Man Group.
Oh.
Well, they probably need less time in the chair than I do.
[LAUGHTER.]
Damien, did you check into that tour bus I sent you? I did.
Unfortunately, it's currently in use by Lil Uzi Vert.
- Lil - Uzi Vert.
Okay, look, does anybody have anything positive to add? I think this could be a great time to repaint the moldings in the sitting rooms.
Yes.
Thank you, Josefina.
Thank you.
This is good, this is good.
Everybody's busy.
We got lots to do.
Oh, and Marcus, this means I'm gonna be on the road, you'll have a lot more time for your favorite water cop.
- So true.
- [LAUGHS.]
Let's circle back to the moldings.
- I have a connection at Valspar.
- Ooh.
- And I'm thinking maybe eggshell or satin? - Mm, satin, satin.
Okay.
[LINE RINGING.]
Hey, this is Jimmy Lusaque Jr.
Leave a message.
[BEEP.]
[LINE RINGING.]
- Hello? - Hi, Daisy.
It's Ava from that horrible meeting.
I mean, it started good.
Yeah, I recall.
Okay, so look, I really shouldn't have sent you that email.
I mean, my bad.
My bad 10,000, you know? Anyway, I'm calling as a friend to say you really shouldn't use anything from the email.
I mean, for your own sake.
Deborah can be very litigious, and I think she'll come after you is all.
And I just don't think you want that kind of a headache in the first season of a show.
Oh, well that's very kind of you, but we actually just forwarded your email to the studio.
And since you very specifically ended your note with: "I officially release my permission over these stories", we're sorted.
Okay, I shouldn't have sent that.
I was way out of line.
I was just upset and Deborah had just slapped me and Wait, she slapped you? - Was that not in the email? - No.
[WHIMPERING.]
Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ - Ah, shit.
- Jingle all the way ♪ Is that "Jingle Bells?" Yeah, I'm in Deborah's Christmas room.
Don't use that.
You know, I'm gonna do you a favor and just hang up, yeah? - Thank you.
- Jingle all the way ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪ Hi, honey.
You're eating Josefina's chicken pot pie and it's 10 a.
m.
What's wrong? No, don't, don't.
Don't psychoanalyze my pot pie, all right? Okay, okay.
I just meant that, you know, the last time you did this was when Carrot Top ghosted you.
Well, if he didn't wanna date, then he should've had an adult conversation.
I told you to never date a comedian and you're way out of his league.
Yeah, I'm out of Carrot Top's league.
That's what made the whole thing so fucked up.
Oh, God, Mom.
You know what? Look, I didn't wanna tell you like this, but I've been doing IVF because Aidan and I wanna start a family.
Oh.
It was the second round, and it didn't it didn't take, and I just I didn't want Aidan to see me upset 'cause he's training for tomorrow's fight.
Okay.
Well, you know, maybe it's for the best.
I mean, you did just meet this guy.
This guy? Aidan is my husband, Mom.
He's a part of our family.
I I just meant that in case it didn't work out, that it would probably be good not to rush into having a child in the unlikely event of a divorce.
You are unbelievable.
You know what? Forget it.
I'm leaving anyway.
Josefina forgot the fucking peas so this pot pie tastes like shit.
- Hello.
Hi! - Hello.
Here's the script you wanted, ugly.
Kayla, you don't have to call me ugly.
What? Barbara said not to be sexual.
Isn't the opposite of being sexual telling you have a fugly face? No, it's actually bullying.
What do you want me to say? That during the company softball game I saw the full outline of your wiener through your mesh shorts, and it was surprisingly big for somebody with such a high voice.
- Happy now, ugly? - No.
See? Really high.
Okay, Kayla, just - [PHONE BUZZING.]
- can you shut the door, please? - [SIGHS.]
What? - No.
I want you to leave and then shut the door.
Okay! God, help us all! Okay, stop yelling.
We're in a corporate environment.
Ava, I'm on a razor's edge.
Are you alone? Yeah, I'm hiding out in Deborah's Christmas room.
Somehow it feels racist in here, but I can't explain why.
Anyway, look, I've been thinking and I think I should just own up to it and tell Deborah about the email.
Highly, highly disagree.
She will kill you if she finds out and me, all right? Do me a favor, do not do anything.
Okay.
Okay, I won't do anything further.
But I I should tell you, I did call Daisy, and I made it worse.
Ava, I need you to take your phone and I need you to throw it into the ocean.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Good note, good note.
Listen, I'm trying to get in touch with Janet Stone, okay? She represents Daisy and Jesse.
I'm gonna try and reason with her.
Uh, isn't that the manager who beat her assistant with a stapler? No, three-hole punch.
Much heavier.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, she gives good, - decent reps like me a bad name.
- [KNOCK ON GLASS.]
Anyway, I gotta go make a sexual harassment situation go away.
Wow, um, okay.
Okay, bye.
♪ Seriously, Ray, you couldn't have just waited a few days for me to come by and get my stuff? Ms.
Vance doesn't have a comped room here anymore, so we were asked to clear it out.
But I put all the overflow in these bags.
Ah, cool.
Everything's nice and loose in there.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
I had a Cadbury Crème Egg that I hadn't eaten, and they're seasonal, so they're kinda hard to get now.
- Do you remember it? - Are you serious? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
Oh, also you got a package.
- I did? - Yeah.
Yo, are those ashes? - Oh, my God.
Can you give me a sec? [PHONE RINGS.]
Ava, did you get your dad? I mean, half of him? Mom, why the hell did you send me half of dad's ashes? Because I'm keeping the other half.
Okay, and why did you mail him in a tennis ball tube? First of all, I overnighted him.
It was $44 and I'm not going to pick out an urn for you.
I don't want you calling me screaming that the urn doesn't match your décor.
Since when have I called you screaming about anything? Never because you barely call.
Oh, my God.
I gotta go.
[SIGHS.]
Yup, ashes.
Sorry, my dad just died, so I'm sorry for your loss.
My dad passed away a few years ago and we cremated him, too.
Although we did put him in, like, a proper vessel.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
If you ever need to talk or whatever, I'm always here except Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Thanks, Ray.
Sure.
Man, all this time we could've been friends maybe.
Maybe.
[CHUCKLES.]
I mean, you've always been pretty entitled and annoying.
I hear that, brother.
[LAUGHS.]
- A lot, so - Yeah, cool.
Um, well Yeah, let me know about that egg.
Have you ever tried a regular meditation practice? Apparently it can really help if you have emotional irregularity.
I don't have emotional irregularity.
Sure, but I mean, look, you never know what could trigger you at any moment.
Uh-huh.
Josefina! Yeah, I'm missing all the local papers.
- Oh, they're not there? - No.
Weird.
Weird stuff.
I'll check.
Also, there's this book by Michael Pollan about how psilocybin, uh, mushrooms, can actually rewire your brain to create new neural pathways.
I mean, it's the biggest advancement in altering mood since Prozac.
You know, I've never said this to anyone in my life, but I think you need to read less.
- Okay, I found them.
- Thank you.
No arts section.
Maybe they skipped a week.
They do that sometimes.
Josefina, I know I bombed my show.
I don't read reviews.
I don't need to see all the nasty things people have written about me.
Okay.
There's a very good "Garfield" today.
Sure, I'll check it out.
[GOSPEL MUSIC.]
♪ I would just ask that you remember my boundary please - and don't open any cabinets.
- Don't open any cabinets.
Look, honey, I just wanted to come by and say that I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.
And I think that you should try the IVF thing again.
Thank you, but I don't know if I can handle the disappointment.
I understand.
My God.
Jesus, this place is a mess.
- What is all this stuff? - I know.
It's a little cramped, but that's married life right? I mean, it's only until we find a bigger place.
I'm glad to see you finally got a gun.
Ew, no.
I'm, like, anti-gun or whatever.
This is Aidan's paintball stuff.
- Mom! Hey! - Hey.
- Come here.
Come on.
- Hi, Aidan.
Oh, I had no idea that you were coming over.
- Yeah, surprise.
- I gotta head to the gym.
I still got ten pounds to cut for tomorrow's weigh-in.
- Ten? - Yeah.
You gotta show me your technique.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, babe.
Muah, I love you.
- Love you.
- Mom, I'll see you soon.
Okay.
I want the "Mom" thing to stop.
I know but he's from Ohio, so And you better be coming to his fight.
- Oh, I - Mom, come on.
You love boxing.
It's not that different.
Yes, it is.
It's a lot more violent and I don't like seeing men's bare feet.
Listen, he's finally in UFC proper.
- It's a huge night for him.
- Exactly, exactly.
That's why the night should be all about him.
You know what it's like when I go to one of these events.
They put me up on the jumbotron and make a big to-do.
I don't want to steal his thunder.
It's fine.
He doesn't care.
He really wants you there.
It's weird.
He's, like, desperate for your approval or something.
- Do you like this? - No.
No, right? Ugh.
Okay, fine.
I'll come.
- Really? - Yes, but he better win.
Oh, no, he's not gonna win.
[LAUGHS.]
No, the other guy is a monster.
Do you know what his nickname is? The Maim Train.
Oh, well that's not scary.
That's just juvenile.
Well, he's terrifying.
Aidan not getting paralyzed, that's the win.
- Jesus.
- I know.
People have no idea what we go through.
- We? - Yeah, wives of MMA fighters.
His job is combat.
I mean, I'm basically a military wife.
Every morning he gets up and goes to work.
And when I wake up a few hours later, I don't know if I'm ever gonna see him again.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
♪ - Hey.
- Victor, is Wilson home? No, sorry.
He's out.
Well, actually I was just here to drop off some of his stuff, but it's probably good he's not here.
Better, actually.
Okay, this is half a bag of granola and a Flonase.
Well, the Flonase is practically new.
So I figured he might need it soon.
So I you know what? Actually, um Don't tell him I was here.
Yeah, I can't give him half a bag of granola and a practically new Flonase without an explanation.
Okay, okay.
Well, tell him I was here but I was just stopping by real quickly on my way to a party.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Actually, tell him tell him that I was going to the gym.
Or a date.
This is pathetic.
Yeah, but he won't stop eating my Skinny Cows, and it's really fucking annoying, so I'll tell him whatever you want.
Okay.
A date.
Maybe stick with party.
I feel like that's more fun.
Sure.
Take care, diva.
So after further investigation and speaking with legal, we have determined that this was a misunderstanding and that Kayla will remain at you desk.
- Yes! - Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me? Barbara, who did you talk to? Probably everyone.
This whole office is always talking about our will they/won't they.
They won't! Okay, Kayla, would you mind stepping out for a moment, please? Yeah.
[WHISPERING.]
Thank you.
Justice! [CHUCKLES.]
Barbara, this is insane.
So I can't discipline Kayla for reasons I think you understand.
'Cause her dad's the boss.
Right, but I could discipline you.
Uh, no thank you.
Listen, if you were to have, say, anger issues, I could recommend that Kayla be moved off your desk for her own safety.
- Right.
- But if it goes in your file, you will have to take anger management classes.
So what do you think? Hmm.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, Adam, love that tie.
Thanks.
You're in a good mood.
Well, I have anger issues.
♪ And what I don't get is why all the cheerleaders for WNBA games aren't all men.
Oh, I've never really thought about it.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey, Ms.
Vance.
Oh, sorry.
Employees only.
Tony, my car already pulled out.
You're gonna make me walk all the way around the casino in this heat? They get on me about this shit.
I'm sorry.
Really.
- Tony.
- Ava! What the fuck? I can't believe that guy.
[SIGHS.]
It's a little better in here.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[GASPS.]
Mr.
Las Vegas! Mrs.
Las Vegas! - Ms.
- You got odds on this fight? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Odds are I'm gonna wanna leave - in about 20 minutes.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Just promise me that I'm going to see you at my New Year's party.
Oh, God, honey, with bells on.
- Of course.
- Great.
- Nice to see you, baby.
- Great, great, great.
- Nice to see you.
- Bye.
I'm getting a massive ice luge.
I would love a ring like that.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, you can't clap with it 'cause it'll bruise you, but it's worth it.
- Ah! - Hi, hi, hi, hi! - Hi, sweetie.
- Oh.
- Oh, wow, you're sweaty.
- I am? Oh, Mom, you're nervous, too.
Calm down, okay? Because he's gonna be okay.
He's gotta be okay.
You want some popcorn? Uh, why is it in your purse? - It's my popcorn purse.
- [LAUGHS.]
I pop it at home and I sneak it in.
Holy shit, this is, like, the best popcorn I've ever eaten.
Yeah, no shit.
It has nutritional yeast and Flavacol.
I got the recipe from my favorite vegan beauty podcast.
Is this a Starbucks gift card? Ooh! I've been looking for that.
I also use this purse as a purse.
Oh, excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
- Popcorn? - Yes.
I can't eat corn on an empty stomach.
It's a disaster.
You look like a bull, that's what you look like.
Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, look what the cat dragged in.
- Look at you.
- Deb, I didn't think you'd be here.
I know how you don't like seeing men's bare feet.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is actually my son-in-law's first UFC fight.
Ah, right, of course.
Well, it's it's nice to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
- [CHUCKLES.]
What am I, chopped liver? What's happening? - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, Mayor.
- You look great.
- It's so lovely to see you.
Oh, thank you so much.
I just had my hair done.
- Nice.
- So no date? Oh, no, don't tell me she already got carded - and had to go home.
- [LAUGHTER.]
No, she was just here a second ago.
Where did she go? Ah, here she is now.
Deborah, Mayor Jo, this is Victoria Calle.
Very nice to meet you, Mayor, and Deborah, of course.
I am a fan.
It's so, so lovely to meet you.
[SPEAKS FRENCH.]
Enchantée.
It's a pleasure to meet you as well.
We actually have to get to our seats.
If you will excuse us.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
My God.
[LAUGHS.]
That was shocking.
I did not see that fucking coming.
My God, she's old.
Unbelievable.
Can you tickle my arm? - What's that? - Do, like, a baby tickle.
It just helps calm me down.
Uh, sure.
I mean, get your you gotta get your nails a little bit involved.
- There we go.
- Sorry, they're short.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest here tonight.
You know them from their residency here at the Palmetto: Give it up for MC Ludwig! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
MC Ludwig! Who are you rooting for tonight? My boy, the Maim Train.
Predicting a K-O.
Choo! ALL: Choo! And now, everyone please stand for our special guest, Wendy Mae Waters, treating us to her rendition of the National Anthem.
Oh, say can you see ♪ By the ♪ Oh, shit.
Oh, Jesus.
[SIGHS.]
You okay? You know, I did read those reviews.
And I knew I bombed, but [CHUCKLES.]
I thought you don't read reviews 'cause you don't care.
I don't read reviews because I do care.
You'd think at some point I'd stop, but It's just a local paper.
It's my hometown paper and this city's full of criminals and hookers and magicians for God's sakes.
No one cares.
This is the one place nobody judges you.
Well, a dude did just call me a socialist bitch when I walked out on the National Anthem, so [LAUGHS.]
You know, they never gave a shit about me in L.
A.
or New York, but at least they wanted me here.
And now the Review Journal says that it's it's not my town anymore.
I think you'll feel better when you're on the road.
I don't know.
I'm not so sure this tour is a good idea.
Deborah.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[CHEERING.]
How's it going? Bad.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[CHEERING.]
Uh! Oh, God.
Oh! No, no, no! Hey, watch the balls! Oh, God! No! Ooh! Yeah, bro, beat his ass! Whoo! No, no, no, no! Get up! Get up! Come on, Aidan, get up.
[BELL DINGS.]
[HORN BLARES.]
- Choo! - ALL: Choo! Yo, yo, this dude is an idiot, bro.
- He should just tap out.
- Give up, man! Mom! What oh, my God.
What are you doing? Excuse me.
Move, move, move.
- Aidan, Aidan.
- Mom? - Hey, lady, you can't - It's cool.
Aidan, listen to me.
Look at me.
Everybody thinks you're done.
No one believes in you, okay? They want to see you get knocked down and they want you to stay down.
But guess what? You're gonna get back up and you're gonna find his weakness.
And you're gonna hit it hard.
And you're gonna hit it again and again and again.
In fact, you're gonna hit him so hard, he doesn't get angry, he gets scared.
You're the underdog, but you're gonna get back up because you're a Vance now.
So go kill him.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Go! Go, Aidan! Come on! Fighter, you ready? Fighter, you ready? Let's fight! Go, Aidan! Oh! Go! That's it, that's it, that's it, that's - Hey, you can't be up - Oh, please.
Yo! Oh, my God! Yes, yes! Get him, get him, get him! - [HORN BLARES.]
- [BELL DINGS.]
Yes! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah! Whoo! I fucking love you, babe! I fucking love you, babe! This is our fuckin' city! Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Do not fuck with Deborah Vance.
- Fuck you! - Whoo! Yeah! Jimmy, I was wrong.
You were right.
Deborah's absolutely capable of killing me.
She cannot find out about that email.
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
I'm working on it.
But for the time being, just stay away from her.
- Ava.
- Oh, gotta go.
Ava, you were right.
I'm gonna feel a lot better once I'm on the road.
That's why we're going tonight just you and me.
- Just us? - Mm-hmm.
No.
What about the bus? - The big bus.
- Oh, no.
We can meet up with them in a couple of weeks.
Tour starts tonight.
[WHIMPERS.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, thank God you're up.
Yeah, yeah, I got to monitor Aidan.
Make sure he doesn't fall asleep.
He could slip into a coma.
I'm just reading him "Harry Potter.
" Oh.
Hey, you know, I wanted to thank you again for tonight.
- Oh.
- It meant a lot and, um, we're gonna try again with the IVF.
Good, good.
Well, I'm rooting for you.
- Thank you.
- Anyway, I just dropped by real quick to tell you that Ava and I are actually leaving on tour tonight.
And I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Oh.
- Anyway, so while I'm gone, I would like you and Aidan to stay at my house.
No, Mom, I don't wanna stay Honey, listen, on a lot of my tours you should've had a home that wasn't a bus.
So, please, take it.
Just until you get a bigger place.
Thank you.
Is there anything you want me to do for you around the house while you're gone? Oh, no.
I'd prefer you'd not touch anything, but there is one thing that you could help me with.
[CHICAGO'S "25 OR 6 TO 4".]
♪ Waiting for the break of day ♪ Okay, now we can go.
♪ Searching for something to say ♪ [LAUGHS.]
♪ [TIRES SCREECH.]
Flashing lights against the sky ♪ Giving up, I close my eyes ♪ Sitting cross-legged on the floor ♪ 25 or 6 to 4 ♪ Staring blindly into space ♪ Getting up to splash my face ♪ Wanting just to stay awake ♪ Wondering how much I can take ♪ Ooh ♪ Should I try to do some more? ♪ 25 or 6 to 4 ♪