Happily Divorced (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

Oh, come on, Fran.
Move.
You're the one who made us come to this gym in the first place so we'll be in shape.
We only have one more week left before the reunion.
Well, I discussed it with my ass, and we decided we're not going.
Come on.
The only one who needs to worry about being judged is me.
I have to come out to a whole room full of people.
It's our college drama department.
The only two people that didn't know you were gay was me and you.
Oh.
I'm gonna feel that tomorrow.
You're just gonna miss a great opportunity to see the old gang, you know.
The only one you're excited to see is that guy Lenny who had a crush on you from that stupid a cappella singing group you belonged to.
Hey, there was nothing stupid about the dip-pity dudes.
And, Franny, we all know why you don't wanna go.
Yeah, 'cause "fat, poor, and still living with my gay ex-husband" doesn't quite fit on a name tag.
The other reason.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Fran.
- Peter.
- Fran.
- Judy.
Fran.
I don't have anything against that bitch Jill Harmon.
Oh, all right.
So I don't want to go to the reunion and have her flaunt her stupid, perfect little blonde life in my face, when I have nothing to flaunt! Come on.
That's ridiculous, Fran.
You you're the, uh You've got, uh We can make stuff up in the car.
Exactly.
I've got nothing.
Uh, you got a week.
Something could come up.
What is going to possibly pop up that's gonna make me want to go to that reunion and face Jill? Fran? Pop.
she was certain that he was the one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced - Elliot, hi! - Hey, Fran.
I didn't know you were a member here.
Well, actually, I'm a guest of a member.
- Who? - You.
Well, it's the least I can do after what happened in Vegas.
You know, you never returned my calls.
I wanted to apologize.
For what? For standing me up at the Bellagio hotel so I got so drunk I ended up sleeping with my gay ex-husband, thinking I was pregnant, which I wasn't, but not because I'm not capable.
Please! Who remembers? Peter, you're here too.
Guest of a member? Yes, and I thank you, sir.
Francine, may I speak with you for a moment? Ahem.
Won't you excuse me a second? - What?! - Get away from him.
I'm just saying hello.
It starts with hello, and it ends with "Peter, why doesn't he love me?" Shh! I have nothing.
I just want to flaunt a rich, handsome record producer at the reunion in Jill's face.
Absolutely not.
We have been down this road before, and I'm certainly not gonna stand around and Aah! Fran, I gotta say, I'm glad we ran into each other.
And as far as the guest passes go, I'm glad that you and Peter - Hey.
- And Judi Are enjoying them.
Well, listen, I'm glad that we ran into each other.
I mean, there's no reason why we can't be friends.
I am so glad you feel that way.
I would love us to be.
You know, we should have a cup of coffee or something sometime.
How about saturday night? Oh, wait a minute.
No, no, no.
I can't, I can't.
I have my college reunion that night.
But you know, since we're talking about reunions, it's always better to go with a friend.
So if you're free Wow, this bag is really packed.
You know, the gym doesn't allow you to take the towels home.
Oh, well, I don't like that policy at all.
It's a good thing I'm not a member.
Okay, a week from saturday.
We're on for the reunion.
You're on, friend.
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
Okay.
Oh, friend.
You know, about the reunion.
I was just thinking maybe Oh, forget it, forget it.
Never mind.
Never mind.
Ask me anything.
I owe you.
Well, it's just that Oh, no, no, it's crazy.
It's stupid.
It's stupid.
- Okay.
- But since you owe me There's a gal that's gonna be at the reunion.
Her name is Jill Harmon, and she's got, you know, the big-shot doctor husband and the big house and the big mouth that's gonna tell me all about it.
So I was thinking that maybe you and I could pretend to be a little bit more than friends to, you know, make Jill feel Bad.
So you want me to be, like, your, uh, stud.
Or fiancé.
You know, just for the night.
Sounds like fun.
I didn't think that you'd want Really? Why not? What's the dress code? Oh, you know, come as you are, whatever you want, in that black suit that I love so much, with the white crisp shirt and the silver tie, alligator shoes.
I don't have alligator shoes.
Yeah, well, you got a week.
Ahh.
Oh, my God.
Who died? Cousin Gittle? Darling, darling, sit down.
All right.
This is a family meeting.
We're going to say a few things, and then you're going to say a few things, and then it's over.
Ahem.
"Your addiction to Elliot has affected me in the following ways.
" Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
This is about Mr.
Elliot? I thought her problem was booze, smack, crack, or pot.
This is my lunch hour, people.
Oh, crap.
My favorite restaurant just pulled away.
I can't believe you pulled this together since I left the gym.
It takes you three hours to coordinate a trip to Costco.
Franny, this poor man cannot take another breakup with you and Elliot.
I can't.
I can't.
I never thought I'd say this, but I want to go back to work.
All right.
Genug already.
You don't have to worry about me.
I'm a big girl.
Sit! Sweetheart, the man will break your heart.
The bastard never came through with those courtside laker tickets.
Promises were made! I'm only taking Elliot to show up Jill Harmon.
Ohh.
You never said that bitch was going.
Dori, don't fall for it.
She's just using Jill to get Elliot back.
You know how her sick mind works.
Excuse me, but I think that I know how my sick mind works.
Any feelings that I had for Elliot are long gone.
I am only taking Elliot to the reunion as a friend.
Did Jill just walk in? Oh, sorry.
My mistake.
You know, you look really great tonight.
Oh, you don't have to say nice things to me until Jill gets here.
Although practice makes perfect.
I don't have to practice to tell you you look beautiful.
That's nice.
Lenny Peter Lenny Oh, my God! Peter, I haven't seen you since the dip-pity dudes.
How you been? Gay.
Wait, what? But I thought you were married to Fran.
We got divorced 'cause I'm gay.
How 'bout you, Playah? You still down in Laguna beach teaching spin classes? How was Italy? It was good.
How do you know all this about me? Mylife.
Com.
That's how I stay connected to you.
I mean, everyone.
I mean, well, not everyone.
Come on, Lenny.
You think I have time to sit at a computer and look up the details of everyone's private life? How's your new puppy? Is he still pooping in your shoes? Why don't I go get us some drinks? Okay, hurry.
You're falling down that Elliot hole.
It's called acting, Judi.
You forget what a good actress I was in college.
Franny, I've seen you in west side story.
And the audience yelled, "forget Tony! Shoot her!" Everyone's a critic.
Meanwhile, would you just keep a lookout for that pain in the ass Jill! Fran! Mwah! Mwah! Oh, Fran, of all the people here tonight, you're the one I really wanted to see.
Why? Well, look.
I know that we've had our issues over the years, but, Fran, when I heard what happened to your marriage, my heart just broke.
But look at you! I mean, if that had happened to me, I'd have gained a lot more weight than you did.
Well, thank you, Jill.
And look at you.
You look younger than you did in college.
Oh, well.
I'm gonna need the number of that doctor of yours for when I'm ready.
Oh, I've never had any work done.
Oh, Jill Harmon.
You're still the best actress in school.
Well, it's actually harmon-kupperman now, surgeon's wife.
two perfect children.
Oh, Jill, I'm so happy for you.
No one deserves it, especially you.
So what have you been doing since your husband chose men over you? Well, mostly, I've been doing Him.
Yes, Jill harmon-kupperman, meet Elliot, coldplay producer fiancé.
- Fiancé? - Mm-hmm.
Jill, very nice to meet you.
Here's your drink, sweetie.
- Thanks, baby.
- Mm.
So where's your ring? Oh, um, well, I don't Really like wearing it so much because it's so flashy.
So we're having it made into a necklace Earrings And a tiara.
I love you.
I love you.
Jill, may I get you a glass of champagne? Oh, that would be lovely.
So, uh, where's your fella? Well, the last time I saw him, he was taking off in a chopper with a liver, to save a life.
He's tired, but he'll try to come.
Elliot comes whether he's tired or not.
So, Lenny, it's been so great catching up with you and telling you I'm gay.
I need you.
Later.
I'm talking with Lenny.
Love you to meet my wife, Elaine.
And his wife elai of his pooping puppy, and not one damn picture of his big ol' straight wife.
Come on.
Oh, I can't believe I finally beat Jill at something.
I mean, did you see the look on her face when she saw you and me Mm? Mm.
What are you two doing in here? What are you doing out there? It is so obvious that you're still in love with Elliot, the way you're looking at him, holding him.
Ooh, you get a couch? Peter, focus.
Now, Fran, let's be real.
You know the reason you asked Elliot Because you knew in the back of your mind you were hoping that you'd be dancing and listening to romantic music and looking into each other's eyes, and he'd say, "I love you, and I want you back.
" That was your plan.
And it worked.
He's pretending, Fran.
You asked him to be a fake fiancé to impress Jill Harmon.
That's all he's doing.
He's faking it.
Look, I was on the other side of that kiss.
I know when a man is faking.
Most of the time.
All right.
That's it! You want to go down this road, you're going down alone.
No more me.
I'm not gonna be there to pick up the pieces.
Well, you won't have to, Peter, because Elliot wants me back.
And if you don't believe me, I'm gonna march myself right out there and prove it to me.
Sorry you had to hear me lose my temper like that, Judi, but that was tough love.
Smells so good in here.
Elliot, there's something important that I want to talk to you about, something that Peter and I were talking about - in the ladies' room.
- Yeah? God, that doesn't even phase you anymore.
Well, you know, tonight was really amazing, wasn't it? Amazing.
Better than I could ever imagine.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, the dancing and And the kissing.
It was kinda like old times, right? I know.
Who knew we could do all that and still just be friends? I know.
That's That's exactly what I was saying to Peter and Judi in the ladies' room, because they didn't think that we could just be friends.
- Are you kidding me? - Oh.
They thought that, you know, you were beginning to fall for me, and I I said I said, "Judi, Peter.
" You know, I mean, they're such dopes.
Yeah.
I tell you what, let's go back out there and give it to her again.
Oh, no, no.
I, uh Mission accomplished.
You were so believable.
And the Oscar goes to ta-da Let's hit the pancake house before I drop you off.
Oh, no, no.
Um, you know, Peter needed the jaws of life just to get me in this dress, so But you can go.
You can go.
And and I'll see you at the gym, my friend.
Okay.
Mwah.
See ya.
Is this seat taken? No.
Rough night? You think? What can I get you to drink? Oh, I don't know.
About this much.
You know, I couldn't help overhearing a little bit.
I just don't see how it's possible for any guy to be just friends with you.
Oh, well, lucky me.
I found the one.
Actually, the two.
Well, they're both crazy, letting a beautiful woman like you get away.
Oh, thank you.
Ahh.
Well, I don't know if it's the booze or the things you're saying, but I feel a little better.
Look.
I'm not the kind of guy that hits on vulnerable women.
But I am the kind of guy that hits on beautiful women.
So when you're ready, give me a call.
Well, what's your name? Frank! Fran, I see you've met my husband.
You're her Husband, yes.
Her husband.
Isn't he something? He sure is.
Angel, why don't I go get us some dessert, beautiful? Aww, you're so sweet.
Sometimes I think I don't deserve him.
Oh, but you do.
Well, I guess I'll see you in another ten years.
Nice running into you.
I know, Fran.
What do What do you know? I know what he did.
You're not the first.
Well, I I don't know what you're talking about, and nobody else needs to know, either.
Thank you.
You know, Jill You don't have to stay with him.
You're better than that.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Fran, look.
I I overheard everything you said in the bathroom, and I told everyone at the reunion.
Well, maybe you're not.
Oh, honey.
I'm just such a bitch.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
- Thought you might be chilly.
- Why? Because your zipper split, and you're backless now.
So Elliot? Friend.
- Lenny? - Straight.
Jill? Bitch.
Pancakes.
Yes.
You know, Petey, nobody's life is perfect.
But ours is pretty good.
Yeah, it is.
I never had to worry about you hitting on other women because you're a good person.
Well, that's one of the reasons.
You know, I feel better.
I'm glad that we don't have anything to hide.
Everything's out in the open.