Happy Endings s02e01 Episode Script

Here's to the one year anniversary of you ** wedding.
At least we're finally using the free honeymoon.
Yeah, not exactly what I thought we'll be using it.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary! I'm glad you all could be here to commemorate the worst day of my life.
No.
I thought the worst day was **.
*** what about the day when ** upside down? right now.
Remember that time when I got my **? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Why am I participating in this? - Who wants an oyster? - Me.
- Me.
- Me.
No.
None for me.
I'm extremely allergic to selfish.
Ah, yes.
She gets all puking and I gotta take her ** very rewarding.
Wait, wait, wait, keep them away from Dave also because he's super allergic.
Yeah.
Super allergic.
Why **? This is too much work.
Penny, you're sweet but so so dumb.
You want to eat your oysters as soon as they've been **.
Now, when ** an oyster you really wanna make sure that you get in there.
*** ahh! You stabbed me, dude! I stabbed you, dude! - Oh my God.
- Guys! What do I do? I got it.
G-get my epipen.
It's in my purse.
On the chair.
Okay.
Somebody get this knife out of me! Oh, God.
Ohh.
I got it! I got it! I got it.
What do I do? Dave.
Dave, Dave, Dave! You can't touch shellfish either.
Oh, right.
What do I do? I only have one shot! Throat's closing up.
Oh, my God! Aah! What do I do?! Oh, all right! Okay! I'm not allergic to shellfish.
What? D-- Oh, God.
Here comes the puke.
Well, why did you lie? When you do it, it makes me I know.
I know.
I know.
I-I can't hear the sound.
Okay, everybody chill! Aah! Aah! Aah! Ohh.
Ohh.
Oh! Oh.
Ohh.
Should we order a movie? "Lincoln Lawyer.
" I love these opening credits.
Ladies and gays, welcome to my new home! Excuse me, but Max is the only gay aqui.
I don't know.
A lot of people think you're on the low.
This is surprisingly nice.
Hmm? Agreed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
It's two bedrooms, Italian marble countertops.
In a word, amah-zing.
- Oh, just gonna ride that into the ground, huh? - Again? - No, please stop.
- No.
Guys, it's always been my dream to be a homeowner, and I decided, why do I have to wait to get married to buy my first place? We are so proud of you.
This is gonna be the year of Penny.
Who wants to twirl with me? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Hooray! What? Oh, now a brother can't twirl? Dude, you psyched for movie night? I got all the best black-and-white classics.
I got "Lethal Weapon," "Trading Places," "Beverly Hills Cop.
" No, "Beverly Hills Cop" is black and white and white.
What about "men in black"? No, that's black and white in black.
What about "Erin Brockovich"? That's just white as hell.
"Royal Tenenbaums"? Come on, bro.
That's white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, black Brown Then wack.
- Damn, trick.
- Listen, man, I'm not gonna be able to make it to movie night.
Just gotta work late.
What? This is, like, the third time you bailed on me in two weeks.
We never get to hang out anymore.
Dude, it's just getting crazy over there, you know? Is this 'cause I stabbed you? I said I was sorry.
You did not say you were sorry.
I did say-- I said I was s-- No, you said, "comme ci comme ca.
"That was pretty cool how it went in your leg.
I thought there would be more blood.
" That's my version of an apology, and it's pretty heartfelt.
Come on.
Let's hang out.
Come on.
I don't do well when I'm alone.
So How's Penny's new place? Oh, it's awesome, but you're probably allergic to it.
Listen, Al, I only lied to you because I didn't have the heart to tell you that your jambalaya is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted.
- No offense.
- Offense.
Guys, every couple has little lies they tell each other.
I mean, not Brad and me.
We're perfect, but my point is-- Last year Brad bought a motorcycle, crashed it, and then sold the parts to his cousin Randall.
Pfft.
(Laughs) I knew that.
I mean, he is a wild hog.
Anyway, you two have a chance to start over as friends, - so why don't you just clean the slate - Uh - And just be honest with each other from now on? - I guess we could try.
Trust me, you will feel better.
Okay.
Um Yeah.
I never really liked your goatee.
Oh.
Didn't-- Was not really aware of that.
Um okay.
Uh, I don't really love your favorite perfume.
I hate your mom.
Oh, ho ho ho! Uh Okay.
(Chuckles) Well Okay, I think that's a - No.
No, no, no.
- Good start for today.
She wants to play.
I can play.
All right.
I'm not really afraid of dogs.
I was just afraid of what would happen to a dog if you owned one.
Okay.
You know those stupid webbed barefoot running socks? They weren't bad for your calves.
They were bad for my ability to want to have sex with you.
Ohh! That's funny.
Okay.
Richard Gere is not a hurricane Katrina denier.
- What? - Yeah.
I just said that to you so we didn't have to watch "pretty woman" for the 74th time.
Well, you know your friend Glazer? He didn't actually steal my bra and sell it on craigslist.
I just couldn't spend another Sunday - watching you two play frolf.
- Frolf? Frisbee golf.
Frisbee golf.
Okay, you know that thing under your mantel that I told you was a tiny brick closet? It's actually a working fireplace.
I was afraid you were gonna burn the building down.
Okay, well, I hated that song you wrote for me.
"Love to the power of love"? You said it made you cry.
It was 12 minutes long, oh, and terrible.
- Oh, you want to know terrible? - Yeah.
That stupid hula-hoop dance that you do.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, this one here, where I take the hula-hoop, and I put it on, and I do this, and I shake it, - shake it, shake it? - Still terrible.
Bring it up.
On the neck.
Look, I take it to the neck.
- Hey, let's-- Let's - And you don't like this?! - Hoop it on down.
- You don't like this?! Hoop it on down.
Wow! That was healthy.
God, now that you guys aren't together, you are able to sing your songs and hoop around and watch your Gere movies and play your frolf.
I mean, whew.
You feel great? Yeah.
I feel great.
I might get bangs.
Mm.
No, I'm not.
I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not.
Jane, you crazy.
You know, I'm gonna go back to work.
Go to work! Thanks for helping me pick out this lamp, Jeremy.
Thanks for your number.
Thanks for asking for it.
I'd say this afternoon has been il Luminating.
Okay, we're gonna quit while you're behind.
'Cause it's a lamp.
- Yeah.
- See? Year of Penny is firing on all cylinders.
I buy a condo to prove I don't need a guy to get on with my life-- Boom! I meet a guy I wouldn't have met if I hadn't bought a condo to prove I don't need to get on with my life.
We get it.
You have a condo.
Well, it's a pretty big deal.
What the hell? What? Brad said he was gonna be working late.
So? So if that's work, then I should be considered one of "Chicago business" weekly's top 30 under 30.
He's just hanging with some guys.
Don't make a big deal out of this.
Are you gonna make a big deal out of it? Well, I don't think that's a very bright Idea.
I gotta go buy a bulb and take this lamp bit to the next level.
I am on fire! Year of Penny.
Suck it.
Get outta here with that, man.
Crazy, man.
Thanks for that beer.
That's what's up, man.
Hey, keep it cool, brother.
All right.
That's what's up.
Whoa.
I'm sorry.
I'm s-- L'Bradford! I do declare.
You must be coming from your office.
This is a really nice office.
Is this your fax machine right here? You mind if I have a sip of your fax machine? Okay.
What a delicious fax machine! Just calm down.
You lied to me, man, and now I find you at a sports bar with a bunch of very attractive black men, one who looks like Dwyane Wade.
Why can't I hang out with you? 'Cause I'm white? No, Max.
This is a networking thing.
I didn't not invite you because you're white.
It's because you're not professional.
Well, I could be professional.
Yeah.
You have a better chance of being black than professional.
That's not a challenge.
- That is not a challenge.
- I feel you.
- What was that? - Shy city.
- Just don't do that.
- Ah, ha ha.
The rock is definitely in the building.
- Unnecessary.
- Watch the throne, son.
- Watch the throne, you know what I'm sayin'?- Watch your step.
- I don't know this man! - It's in my blood! Africa! Africa! Welcome.
You are my first gentleman caller.
That made me sound like a prostitute.
I'm not a prostitute.
Wow.
This place is amazing.
Thanks.
Do you have any roommates? Nope.
It is just me and you.
Really? Wow.
I live with five guys.
Ooh.
I love guys.
Again, not a prostitute.
Is this Italian marble? S-sure.
Yeah.
I guess.
How many square feet is this place? Oh, I don't know.
You really have your life together.
Is that a bad thing? No.
I just need to go Work on my resume, and Oh, no, no, no, Jeremy.
I'll Jeremy, wait.
I know it seems like I have my life together, but I am a mess, okay? Psycho.
I will, like, friend your mom on Facebook and start showing up at events I was not invited to, okay? Look, you know what? These cabinets are not even that nice.
I mean, look at this.
Ooh! Is that a wine fridge? Jer? Jer Bear? Hon, Jeremy was clearly a loser.
Yeah, most guys would kill to date a girl - with a place like this.
- Mm-hmm.
Last girl I dated lived on a boat That's romantic.
Docked in the parking lot of the pet store where she worked.
Okay, I-I don't know where you find people.
You know what? You guys are right.
I don't even know what I was thinking.
I mean, this place is great.
I'm great.
Year of Penny back on track! - Mm.
Yes.
- Year of Penny! I am gonna take these into the bedroom.
What's happening? These are the running socks that Alex didn't want me to wear.
Can you believe that she hated these? Hate? No.
Those are, uh great.
- Right? - Uh, yeah.
So I got you a pair - Ohh.
- Just to say thank you for freeing us from our lies.
Wow.
Let's go for a run.
Oh! Good.
Yeah.
What's this-- What's this color? Like, an aquaflage? Yeah.
I hope you like the color.
Oh, yeah.
No, Jane loves a good aquaf-- I'm gonna go try-- I'm gonna give 'em-- I'm gonna try 'em on.
Hi.
I'm Mrs.
Sarner from 3G.
Welcome to the building.
It's nice to see a couple buying this place.
- Oh, it's, uh, it's-- - Oh, no.
We're not-- - No.
- We're not 'Cause the last two ladies who owned this condo were so sad.
They both died alone.
That is something that was not disclosed to me.
Some people in the building even think this unit is cursed.
Isn't that crazy? As if a condominium could turn a gal into a sad spinster.
These cookies are cran-apple.
Thanks.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
See you at the mixer.
Penny, relax.
This place is not cursed.
Penny.
You didn't tell me you got a cat.
He is so cute.
Aw.
You are cute.
Wait.
I didn't get a cat, because Cats are for spinsters.
Is it cold in here? I need a housecoat and a hot tea with lemon.
Should I get an AOL e-mail address? What's happening to me?! So this isn't your cat? No! Ugh.
Max, why do we keep watching - the same "Lethal Weapon" scene over and over again? - 'Cause I lost my murtaugh.
I don't understand most of what my friends say.
Brad doesn't want me joining his stupid professional networking group.
Oh, fuzzy face.
Come on.
You said you'd watch all these Richard Gere movies with me.
I heard "Primal Fear" has a very cool surprise ending.
Gere finds out that Norton was lying about his split personality and that he murdered the archbishop.
Come on.
Okay, uh, what about "Unfaithful"? Gere bashes the French guy's head in with a snow globe.
You're killing me.
Just like tumors killed Winona Ryder in "Autumn In New York.
" Why are you doing this? Hello, Alex! Oh, nice socks.
You look like a gay ninja.
I am gonna go for a run with Jane.
Oh! And I called glaze earlier.
Good convo.
Tough, yes.
There were tears because of your lies, but, uh, I'm gonna go play some frolf with him, make him feel better.
Well, I wish I could watch you nerds, but I've gotta make more jambalaya.
People are going crazy for it at the store.
Really? Women are just going crazy for trying on clothes and eating hot seafood soup? They can't get enough of that hot seafood soup? Yeah.
I've had the worst day ever.
Ew.
Morning started with frolf Dave, glaze, myself.
- Ohh! - Ow! And since I told Alex she'd be a great dog owner, we went to the shelter, but turns out she's only qualified to take care of a snake.
I'm naming him Tyler.
Then I stupidly encouraged Dave to record his song.
Love times love divided by love equals love to the power of love Then it was back to Alex's, where she wanted to prove she could make a fire.
I'm not sure you should be feeding peeps to the snake.
He seems a little bit off.
No, he loves them.
What about the flue, al? Snakes don't get the flu.
Did you even open it? What? Did you use charcoal to make a fire?! Oh, Jane.
Kind of ironic, isn't it? You see, you pushed Dave and Alex to stop lying, but now all you can do is lie to them.
You're doing exactly what you don't want them to do.
Look at you, all dirty, - just covered in lies.
- Yeah, I see.
That's funny.
You want to tell me about that motorcycle you bought last year? Hmm? What? Run you a bubble bath? Okay.
- Mm.
Mm-hmm.
- All right.
A bag of pennies in her face.
Maxwell Blum, JD, DDS, esquire.
How's it going? "JD, DDS"? You're a lawyer and a dentist? I like cleaning teeth.
Sue me.
Hey, Max, can I talk to you for a second? Talk is cheap.
Am I right? Let's get down to some brass tacks.
What's going on with this debt ceiling? Does China own us? I want to join your professional group.
You guys network so well.
Professionals' group? I haven't had a job in, what, like, five years? Unless you count sleeping till 1:00 and trying to bring back the phrase "bust a move" as a job.
Oh, my God.
You're, like, black Max.
You're-- You You're blax! Hold up.
Is this white Daryl? I am not white Daryl, and you lied to me again.
Look, sometimes I just wanna hang out with the brothas.
Why are you talking like that? 'Cause I was hangin' out with the brothas, and it takes a little while for it to go away.
See? It's gone.
Sometimes I just need a break from talking about npr and recycling or That awesome chest pass - Steve Nash made.
- Oh, really, fam? - Yeah.
- Now you're gonna pull out that Steve Nash card - on a brotha.
- Wait.
Why are you talking like that? Because we're all, you know, everybody's with the brothers, and we're all hanging out and talking like that.
Look, I didn't tell you because you get all crazy any time you feel excluded from something.
That's Hey, Brad.
If I hook you up with a partially used borders gift card, you think you would give me a ride to small claims court? Crap.
Damn it.
I am white Daryl.
I'm totally fine, Jane.
I took the cat to a shelter, and I know my apartment's not cursed.
Oh, and I decided to have a housewarming party, roaring '20s theme, so it looks like the year of Penny is back in full Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What the hell is with all the cats? No.
Come on.
Just get to steppin'.
Get on now.
Move it along.
Come on.
Get out! Get out! Shoo! Shoo! Okay, Penny.
Calm down.
Get some wine.
Take a breath.
Just watch some tv.
Aah! Aah! Why is the DVR filled with "the good wife" and "the view"? I didn't record these.
These are for lonely women who talk to themselves.
Oh, my God! I'm talking to myself.
"Single meals for one"? "Personal pizzas"? "Personal pizzas.
" Jane, you're not wearing your running socks.
Oh, yeah.
I am bummed, too, glaze, but Penny wanted it to be historically correct with the 1920s theme, so Grr Ooh, well, then I'll just go Polish the China in the servants' quarters.
You don't Polish China.
'Sup? 'Sup with you? Shouldn't you be getting ready for your big party? It's already happening.
Pen.
Pen.
You okay? Like anybody cares.
Give me the ice cream.
Okay.
Got another one.
Okay, how did you-- Ah.
All right, g-give me the couch ice cream Ohh.
And let's get you dressed.
Just leave me alone, Jane.
Give me the ground ice cream Mnh.
And let's get you dressed.
- Go.
Go.
- Come on.
Let's go.
Hey, Brad.
How's it goin'? Oh.
Where are my manners? These are my gay friends.
You know, sometimes you just wanna hang out with your peeps.
Right.
Anyway, this is Connor.
He's enormous.
This is Joel.
He's silent.
And this is Steve.
We call him gay Brad.
No, we don't, and my name's Ken.
- And he's Asian.
- He's Asian? Pfft.
I don't see skin color or eye shape.
Anyway, let's get out of here, guys.
These straight folks are bringing me down.
- Let's go talk about gay stuff.
- Ooh! - Gay stuff? - That's right, Brad.
Gay stuff.
Come on.
Don't you wish they made trading cards of designers? Ah.
Ohh.
Really, Alex? You're gonna serve that disgusting jambalaya? This is a housewarming party, not a house-clearing party.
Boom! Poetry slam.
Oh, uh, heard you went down to the shelter, and they wouldn't let you have a dog, so you had to get a snake instead.
Had to? No, no, no, no.
I chose Tyler, okay? Dogs are played out with their whole "soft, cuddly best friend" thing.
Honestly, on a scale of fur to scales, I prefer scales.
Well, things have been going pretty awesome with me, too.
Been frolfing and jamming, and, uh, my song turned out so great that glaze put it on his web site-- defglazerecords.
com.
Dot org was taken.
Been getting tons of hits.
Don't make a big deal about it, baby.
That's awesome.
Maybe you should play it here for everyone.
- Yeah! - No.
- Here.
- Bro.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Bro.
- Bro.
I didn't bring my guitar.
I-I can't-- That's all right.
He's got one.
Why don't you ask him? Uh, yeah, um Do you really think I can pull off that slim-fit James Perse crew neck t-shirt? As long as I can be there when you pull it off.
What's happening here? I was just talkin' tees with my B's, who are "G," 'cause they like "D.
" - Oh, yeah.
- Pound it.
No! Gay Brad, you do not pound Brad Brad.
Gays, inside.
Go! You guys can pound me.
Why can't I pound your friends, man? Because they're not my friends! They're just some guys I met at the gym who are way too into the roaring '20s.
What is going on with you, man? - I'm freaking out! - About what?! We used to hang out all the time, right? And then you got married to Jane, and you got this big, fancy job.
I-I barely ever see you anymore, and the free time you do have-- You spend it with other people.
Dude We're always gonna have stuff going on in our lives, man.
- Well, me, you know, my life.
- Your life's pretty much-- - Of course.
- Yeah, yeah.
But you're my riggs, trick.
I am, ho? Come on, fella.
You know murtaugh would never bail on riggs, even when real-life riggs gets super racist and verbally abusive towards his boo.
I love you the most, man.
Bring it in.
You sure you're not on the low? That's my cell phone, man.
Love times love divided by love Look, everyone's having a great time.
equals love What is wrong with people? To the power of love this song is so sad.
The square root of love is love.
Buddha's Christian and Jews are black here.
Try this.
I put peanut butter in this batch.
ketchup's mustard and aspirin's crack ohh.
There's a little bit of horseradish in there.
Ohh.
Why? - What? - Why? O-okay, enough.
Uh, Dave, stop, okay? Chairs are s I love you, but that song is really bad.
Those running socks are hideous, and frolf is not a sport.
- Hey, we have a newsletter.
- Shut up, glaze.
Dave, all those things Alex said-- They're true.
Thank you, Jane.
You see, Dave? What did I-- Uh, calm down, Al.
Everything you've done in the past few days has been pretty stupid.
You almost burned down your apartment.
And, Penny, oh, my God.
Is your breakdown sponsored by Dreyer's? Look, you're not gonna turn into an old spinster just because you bought a condo, which, by the way, is not cursed.
Okay, yeah, Jane? Then you want to explain about all the cats? Wait.
You found my cats? I live next door.
I've trained them to crawl into vents and open windows.
Fair enough.
Okay.
Then what about all the episodes of "the view" on my tv? Uh, you didn't erase those, did you? 'Cause I can't DVR "the view" at home anymore, 'cause my DVR is filled with episodes of "the view," so I have to DVR it here.
Okay, then does someone want to explain to me this coupon for personal pizzas, which is really just a really great deal.
Ah.
I'm I'm sorry.
You guys, thank you for coming.
I hope-- I hope everybody has a great time.
Yeah, Penny! One, two, three-- Actually, guys, I'm sorry.
I don't know any other songs.
You know, your jambalaya wasn't all that bad.
There were a couple of good batches back in '07, I think.
Yeah, and your song-- I mean, the lyrics are actually really touching.
We're lying, right? Yeah, works for us.
Stop having a moment, you two.
Toast.
Thank you.
To my friends.
I know I'll never be sad and alone, because I'll always have you.
Pen, you know you're not gonna be alone.
Aw.
Thanks, Al.
No, literally, 'cause I need to move in for a while.
Jane wasn't kidding.
I smoked out my apartment, and there's a snake loose that's mad at me, 'cause I probably gave him diabetes.
Roomies? If you'll have me? - Yes! Yes! - Yes? Aw.
- Bring it in.
- Okay.
Cheers.
Cheers.