Haters Back Off (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
[STRAINING.]
Open.
Hello? Is it twisty? [STRAINING.]
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yes! I knew it.
Okay.
No! [BETHANY.]
You've reached Bethany.
Leave a message.
Now, what do I Mom, I'm hungry.
I can't get the pascetti bits open.
Where are you? [BICYCLE BELL RINGING.]
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
[GASPS.]
Mmm, delicious.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Oh, what's that, Emily? You're upset that I knocked your toothbrush in the trash can again? Well, too bad! Who do you think you are, the toothbrush police? Oh, toothbrush burn! [CHUCKLES.]
High-five, Uncle Jim.
It's a pretty good one.
Right, Mom? It was a good one.
[SLURPING.]
[GASPING.]
[BELCHES.]
Faster, Uncle Jim! Faster! Giddy up! [BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
Uncle Jim? [GROANS.]
I was clearly ringing for Bethany.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- Bethany! Get out here! Bethany, I'm starving! - Bethany! - She's gone.
Gone? What am I supposed to eat? I have pascetti bits.
Can I come in? The audacity! After what you did to me? I put all of me into you and this is how you repay me? No, Miranda, you can't come in my house.
I wouldn't invite you in if you were the last person The video went viral.
Welcome.
Welcome.
Well, I'd offer you a refreshment, but I've already gone through all that stuff.
What's that doing here? Oh, Patrick sold it to me the night I moved in here.
I guess he didn't need it anymore.
But I couldn't really understand what he was saying, because he was crying so much.
I guess he really loved that bike.
Anyways, about this video that went viral.
Which one did you say it was again? The one you posted.
Oh, the one I posted.
The one you told me not to? Yes.
Is this is the same video that you fired me for posting? Yeah, so? It seems like someone would like to give someone an apology and beg me to be their manager again.
Anytime you want.
I'm waiting.
I'm waiting for the apology.
"Will" You can say it.
"Will" - "Will" - [GRUNTS.]
"Will you be my manager again?" That was a very nice apology, Miranda.
Well, will you? Get me the pascetti bits.
We're back in business.
I told you this would work.
Over 200,000 views? And look at all these comments.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
You've got mail.
The computer can talk now, but he has a very limited vocabulary.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
You've got mail.
I'm trying to teach it more.
Watch this.
Polly want a cracker? [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
You've got mail.
He's still learning.
Wow.
Look at all these e-mails! A comedy club wants to book you.
Pass! Who do we look like, Bazooka Joe? Oh, yeah.
Pass! - A bar mitzvah? - [SCOFFS.]
Pass! Oh.
Hold on.
"Dear Miranda, I think you're fabulous.
I'm Sam Crusoe, the producer of a show on Broadway called Wrap Party.
If you're ever in New York City, you should come by.
We'd love to have you.
" - Pass! - No, no, no, no, no.
I think I know what this is.
Ooh, I knew it! Wrap Party is where legends are born.
Wait, what? "Legends"? I thought legends weren't real.
Like mermaids, leprechauns, - zebras, Canadians - No, no, no.
Okay, Miranda.
Legends are better than real.
They're better than being famous.
Right now, you're just a boring famous person.
But you could be a legend.
We need to get you to Broadway.
[EXCLAIMS.]
What the heck? Put all your loose change in here.
This is our Broadway fund.
All the loose change.
- Oh, okay.
- All your loose change! All the loose change! This is the Broadway fund! Get quarters.
Can you find any quarters? Quarters? Quarters.
- Found a penny! - It's a quarter! - Scream if there's a quarter! - A quarter? [SCREAMS.]
A quarter! - A quarter! A quarter! More quarters! - A quarter! [SIGHS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Almost there.
- Almost.
We just gotta fill this bucket up, and then we're off to New York City.
Let's go get my roadie.
I'm glad we worked things out.
I didn't think it would happen so quickly, but here you are.
Well, you posted this stuff at such a great price, I had to jump on it quick.
Though, are you sure you don't want these anymore? No, these particular props have lost their luster for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
- Oh, excuse you! - Oh, sorry.
- Excuse you! Thank you for nothing.
- Sorry.
- Patrick's cleaning lady's got some sass.
- Yeah.
Patrick, I have some good news for you.
My boyfriend married someone else, I was laughed offstage and then left crying in the rain.
So I'm available.
Also, we're going to give you your roadie job back, so I've drafted up this standard contract.
It's, uh, boilerplate stuff, really.
No need to read it over.
Just sign at the bottom, and we'll get to work.
No, thank you.
Why are you being so awnry? I don't know what that means.
What do you mean you don't know what it means? It's a word.
"Awnry.
" - Awnry.
- "Awnry"? - Awnry.
- Yeah, awnry.
Patrick, listen, I'm about to show you something, and I don't know if your little heart can handle it.
[TYPING.]
Lookee, lookee, Patrick! Twenty-one hundred and thirty and views.
So, weed 'em and reap.
[CHUCKLES.]
You could be working with a celebrity if you just [JIM.]
Patrick, if you don't sign this right now, we are going to go with one of our many, many other options.
I'm serious.
So, going once Going twice And we're walking.
We're walking.
We're walking.
And you'll never see us again.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ANNOUNCER ON SPEAKERS.]
Welcome to the Bible Adventure Museum.
Enjoy your stay and have fun.
[GROWLING SOFTLY ON RECORDING.]
[DONKEY BRAYING ON RECORDING.]
[MAN ON RECORDING.]
I am David, a lowly shepherd boy who took down the Philistine giant Goliath with a slingshot before beheading him with his own sword.
Prayer can fix anything.
What do you pray about? Cool.
Me too! [JIM.]
I have to get Miranda to Broadway, but she's not going to go along with this unless we do it right, okay? "I'm Miranda, and I'm on the stage, and you're filling the air with beautiful bubbles.
" Perfect! - You, sir, you have a gift.
- What are you doing? Oh, Miranda, I didn't see you there.
I'm just working with my spectacular new roadie.
- Is he sleeping? - Wake up! He can do anything.
Dancing, magic, fan waving He's just like Patrick, only better.
- Just like Patrick? - Just look at him.
Patrick would be so jealous if he met this guy.
Jealous, huh? You don't say.
Perfect.
Okay, everyone, big smiles for Jesus.
We all know what happens next.
There we go.
Yeah.
Pensive.
Oh.
Miss? Oh, am I doing the wrong pose? Well, no, it's not that.
It's just that this is their photo.
We can take yours in just a second.
Why don't you pick a picture from the binder, and I'll be right with you? [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
All right.
- Okay.
Judas, I'm going to need you looking a lot more guilty.
There it is.
Oh.
What a handsome family.
You guys did a great job.
Don't forget, we take cash, credit, frankincense and myrrh.
[LAUGHS.]
Hi.
Thanks for waiting.
- Yeah.
- What can I do for you? I'd like to take that picture.
Okay.
When does the rest of your party arrive? [STAMMERS.]
Oh, it's just me.
Right.
Okay, uh Perhaps I could interest you in one of these single-person options.
Oh, this is a great one.
"The Stoning of the Prostitute.
" No, no.
You know what? I would like "The Last Supper.
" Okay.
Right.
If we did that one, um it just wouldn't make sense, uh, because you don't have a bunch of family or friends here, so Listen, I came here because I wanted to do something for myself.
And what I'm realizing is that myself wants a big family portrait.
So I'm gonna do a big family portrait by myself.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Don't wanna go to New York with me, huh? That's all right.
I hired a new roadie, and he's even better than you.
Roadie, Popsicle! What you think about that? I'm happy for you.
Mmm! So melty and delicious.
Mmm! My favorite.
This is so much better than any Popsicles that other roadie always gave me.
Mmm! [CHOMPING.]
[GAGS.]
It's so good.
Mmm! You're supposed to pick it up.
Look at that.
No, no, no! You're not supposed to throw it away! You're supposed to stick it to the wall and make a thingy out of it! No, not that wall.
What are you doing? Stop.
Just get out.
Get out! - Idiot.
- Miranda, I think you should go, too.
Dang it! One second.
Lookee, lookee.
No.
[BLOWS.]
[MUTTERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Now.
Perfect.
Hey Ha! See? We can make a new one.
[GRUNTS.]
Patrick? Fine! Come on, Uncle Jim! We're going to the airport! I want to go to Broadway now! What the heck? This isn't even close to full.
Oh, I've been waiting forever! How much longer is this gonna take? Miranda, you are in luck, because I filled this up earlier today.
Are you blind? That's not even close to full.
Look what I just got in the mail.
Just pay with that.
I would do it myself, but I am currently, and unjustly, on the no-fly list.
So I will be traveling by way of suitcase.
[JIM.]
Just act like there's not a folded-up uncle in here.
[GRUNTS.]
Be quiet! [GRUNTS.]
Hi.
I would like three No, two tickets to New York, please.
Oh, and also, I will be paying with this credit card.
Miss, is this some kind of a joke? - What? - Your name is "Valued Customer"? Well, it depends.
Is that what it says on the card? It's the name on all sample cards.
Okay.
Well, then, yes.
That's my name.
We don't take, uh, credit cards made of heavy paper here.
Do you have another payment method? - Um, I - [JIM.]
Psst.
Hey, Miranda.
Oh, yes, I do.
Do you take checks made of heavy paper? - Yes.
Yes, we do.
- Good.
[CHUCKLES.]
And your bag is overweight.
[JIM WHISPERS.]
How dare you! You might want to take some stuff out of it and transfer it to your other suitcases.
'Kay.
[WHISPERS.]
I need some stuff out of here.
Come on, Uncle Jim, hurry up.
How heavy is it now? - Still too heavy.
- What? Looks like we need to take more stuff out of this bag! - [JIM.]
All I have is what I'm wearing.
- Do it.
Here, deal with this.
Hurry up, Uncle Jim.
Give me your clothes.
Don't mess this up for me! [CLERK SOFTLY.]
Hello, this is check-in desk five.
We have some suspicious activity and weapons.
So do I just make that out to "Airplane"? How do you spell that? A-R Uh, I'm gonna need you to stand to the side until security can escort you off the premises.
Wait, security? No.
No, just give me my ticket! I'm not selling you a ticket.
I need you and your friend to move over to the side and wait for security.
No, please! I have to go to New York! Ma'am, I'm not selling you a ticket.
- Um - [ATTENDANT.]
Thank you, sir.
Here's your ticket.
And departures are right through these doors.
Okay.
Whatever you say, sir.
I'll just walk over here, minding my own business.
[VOCALIZING.]
[CLERK.]
Security, stop her! No, stop.
Please! I have to go to Broadway to become a legend! We're not letting her on that plane.
No, you don't understand what I've been through to get here! My mom is gone.
I lost my boyfriend.
I folded up my uncle.
And if you stop me, it'll all be for nothing! Now, let me on that plane.
My fans are expecting me.
What fans? I have lots of fans.
Raise your hand if you're a fan! Hello? Please? Anyone? Get her out of here.
Did we make it? [WOMAN.]
Hey! Are you Miranda Sings? Yes, what do you want? Oh, my gosh! I'm, like, your biggest fan.
I watch you on YouTube! - [JIM.]
Miranda! Now's your chance! - [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Broadway.
[JIM.]
Go, Miranda! Go! [GRUNTING.]
You did it! You're going to Broadway! I did it! [GROANS.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
She did it.
You know, I tried to tell her I was sick, but she just didn't care.
And then I left, and it wasn't until that I got here that I felt really good about leaving.
But now I feel this emptiness again.
- Do you know what I mean? - Mmm-hmm.
And I just keep thinking that my daughter's probably in danger.
She always sets herself up for failure.
She thinks she has this talent.
And it's not going to go anywhere, and she doesn't have very good street smarts, and Well, if your family needs you, you should go to them.
Yeah, but it's just more complicated than that.
Well, what do I know, right? I'm just a guy.
You, uh Are you gonna come watch me get crucified? No.
My daughter needs me.
- Miranda and Jim? - Uncle Jim.
Right.
You guys are free to go.
There's someone waiting for you outside.
He cleared the whole thing up.
[STAMMERS.]
I was wrongfully put on the no-fly list a couple of years ago.
I was wondering if you could make that go away as well? Get out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going, pal? No one vouched for you.
Sit down.
Patrick? I saw you on the news.
And I'm concerned about your current roadie's swordsmanship.
He has a very weak offensive thrust.
Patrick, you know it's not polite to talk about another man's thrust.
Miranda's a celebrity now.
And she's gonna need adequate security.
Mr.
Uncle, I'd like to reapply for the roadie position.
You're hired.
And from one man to another, I've always liked your thrust, Patrick.
Hi.
Hi.
[SNIFFS.]
[STAMMERS.]
I feel like you should know that I think we need to keep this strictly professional.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Mom? [GENTLE MELODY PLAYING.]