Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e01 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey Arnold!
Well, that's it.
I fixed the sink.
Yup, this tree house
has never looked better,
if I do say so myself.
Darn tootin'.
It'll probably last forever,
just like this tree.
Yup. Mighty Pete
is the oldest tree
left in the neighborhood.
It's practically
the only tree
left in the neighborhood.
I love this tree.
No matter how much
everything changes,
we know one thing for sure,
this tree will
always be standing.
That tree is going down.
All right. Don't worry
about a thing, Bob.
We'll bulldoze the sucker,
put up a new
Big Bob's Beeper Emporium,
and this time, I'll be
a 50% partner.
Twenty.
Forty.
Twenty.
Thirty.
Twenty.
Deal.
MAN: Over here, Charlie!
Yeah, over here!
(WHISTLING)
Hey! What's all that
dang commotion?
Demolition on Friday the 16th?
They're knocking down
the tree? They can't do that.
We gotta do something.
Forget it, Arnold.
What can a bunch of kids do?
Yeah, forget it, Arnold.
Come on, you guys,
there's gotta be
something we can do.
Mighty Pete is our tree.
STINKY: Can't fight
the system.
Arnold, what a naive dweeb.
And yet
I adore him,
his commitment to right
when wrong is clearly
more powerful.
(SIGHS) Who would crush
the very symbol
of my bonnie's youth?
"Big Bob's Beepers"?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, these crazy
situation comedies.
Dad, is it true?
No, it's just
a made-up story, Helga.
Those are all actors.
No, Dad, I mean,
about the tree.
Are you gonna
tear down the tree?
Oh, absolutely.
We're knocking
that hardwood down
right at the knees. Zing!
But, Dad, we all
love Mighty Pete.
Why can't you build
your store somewhere else?
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't think I haven't put
a lot of thought
into that location.
There's always people there,
hanging around under the tree.
Why it's a natural spot
for a beeper emporium.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
It'll make me a ton of money.
And what's good for me
is good for all the Patakis
if you catch my drift, Helga.
(BOB LAUGHS)
Alas,
here I am again
torn between two forces.
Arnold's foolish idealism,
and my father's
unbridled greed.
And this time, I fear blood
is thicker than water.
Oh, curse the day
I was born a Pataki.
(HELGA SIGHS)
ARNOLD: And when we came
down from the tree house,
there was the notice.
It said they're gonna
cut down Mighty Pete.
(PHIL AND GERTIE GASP)
Mighty Pete?
Oh, say it ain't so.
That tree means
the world to me.
Why I first
climbed on it as a lad.
I helped build
the first tree house
with indoor plumbing
in its sturdy branches.
I spent a lot
of my honeymoon in that tree.
(SIGHS)
Say, when are they gonna
chop it down? I'd like
to take some pictures.
But, Grandpa,
we can't just give up.
Darn tootin', Arnold.
No one's knocking down
that tree without a fight
from us.
We'll fight 'em
in the streets.
We'll fight 'em
on the rooftops.
We're not talking
about anything,
we're talking
about Mighty Pete,
the last living example
of citrus in our neighborhood.
It's 700 years old.
Yeah, so are you,
but who's countin'?
First thing
tomorrow morning, Arnold,
you and me, the department
of trees and shrubbery,
City Hall.
City Hall. Do you think
they'll help?
Well, of course, they will.
Plus, you're a kid.
And the government loves kids.
MAN: First of all,
I don't like kids.
Second of all,
to lodge a formal complaint
you need to fill out
these forms, And then,
if you're lucky,
you can present your case
in front of the City Council
some months after that.
Months? But we
only have a week.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
That's only enough time
to fill out the forms.
Young man, this young boy
is on a mission
to save an old tree
from the bulldozer,
and you just sit there
and hand us some forms.
Well, we won't
take this lying down!
We'll take our fights
to the streets,
to the heart and soul
of this land!
People of Earth,
we must band together
to save Mighty Pete,
the oldest living thing
in our neighborhood.
This proud and beleaguered
old landmark
is pitted in an unfair fight
against reckless greed
and unheeding progress.
"Big Bob"?
Big Bob Pataki, huh?
Well, I know
just what to do about that.
Come on, boys.
One, two, three, four,
we won't take it anymore.
Five, six, seven, eight,
Pete the tree is mighty great.
All right. I'm giving you all
a count of three
to vacate the premises.
One, two, three,
four, come on, kids!
Okay, Grandma.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
PROTESTERS:
Five, six, seven, eight
(GROANING)
We'll be back, Pataki!
We're not done with you yet!
Oh, yeah? Well, I got
plenty more water
where that came from.
That tree is going down,
you hear me?
You crazy old wart!
On the 16th, sharp.
(SIGHS)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
GRANDMA: Kimba?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
ARNOLD: Come in, Grandma.
How's it going, Arnold?
Okay, I guess.
Remember, Arnold,
we haven't lost the fight.
Don't be discouraged.
But tomorrow, Big Bob
knocks down Mighty Pete.
Tomorrow, we go out and fight
the good fight again.
Get some sleep, soldier.
GRANDMA: Mighty Pete
is the oldest tree
left in the neighborhood.
BOB: That tree
is going down, you hear me?
On the 16th, sharp!
(SIGHS)
You couldn't
sleep either, Arnold?
Nope.
Let's go up
to the tree house
and play cards.
GERALD: Okay, I guess
that's a good idea.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(REVVING INTENSIFIES)
Oh, no!
12:01.
It's now officially Friday.
Let's knock that
eye sore down.
It's Big Bob!
(SID GASPS)
And some other guy!
Oh, for crying out loud.
It's that kid
with the weird shaped
head again.
Hey, you kids,
get out of the way!
No, Mr. Pataki.
We're not leaving.
Get out of my way,
I'm knocking down the tree.
And I'm knocking it down
for good!
Mighty Pete deserves to live.
If you want to knock him down,
you're knocking
us down with it.
HELGA: Arnold, wait!
Helga?
Helga? I thought
you were siding
with your dad on this one.
Uh, no. It's not like
I'm siding with you
or anything,
it's just that my dad's
been bugging me lately,
and I thought I'd get
even with him, okay?
(GEARS SHIFTING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Nick, what are you doing?
What's it look like
I'm doing?
I'm driving this bulldozer
into the tree.
But my kid's up there!
They'll come down.
You just gotta
show 'em who's boss.
(BULLDOZER REVVING)
(SCREAMS)
ARNOLD: I hope
they stop in time.
HELGA: (SNIFFS)
Gosh, he smells good.
Let me drive, you
(STRAINING)
(BOTH GROANING)
We got to stop it!
Quick, find something
to throw in its path!
SID: We've thrown everything
but the kitchen sink!
Oh, well, here goes!
Is Is there
anything left to throw?
If I hit the lever
I think I can stop it!
(MOCKINGLY) "If I hit
the lever I think
I can stop it."
(YELPS) Abandon tree!
(GRANDMA YELLING LIKE TARZAN)
(CONTINUES YELLING)
(BOB GRUNTING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you!
Hey, crazy lady!
Come back with that bulldozer!
Dad!
You okay, Olga?
It's Helga, Dad. Helga.
Helga. Sorry, I took
a little bump
on the head there.
Hey, let's go,
let's get out of here.
Then, you're not gonna
knock down the tree?
I guess I'm not, am I, kid?
That crazy old lady
in the Tarzan suit
stole my bulldozer.
(GRANDMA LAUGHING)
NICK: Come back
with that, lady!
That tree must really be
important to you
if all of you
risked your lives for it.
It is pretty big, isn't it?
And it even has
a neat old tree house in it.
Well, maybe
you're right, Alfred.
This tree deserves to live,
I won't knock it down.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah, I'll just build
my beeper emporium
in that vacant lot
down on vine street.
(GASPS) Wait. You mean
the one we play ball
Yeah, that's the one.
Come on, Helga, let's go home.
Wait a minute.
Mr. Pataki don't do that.
(ALL PROTESTING)
Come back!
Mr. Pataki!
WARTZ: Now, class, I have
a very important announcement.
Your teacher, Ms. Slovak,
has left
the teaching profession
to pursue her dream
to be a professional golfer.
Hence, she'll no longer
be your teacher.
(ALL CHEERING)
I expect all of you
to be courteous, kind
and cooperative
toward your new teacher,
Mr. Simmons.
Hello, class!
ALL: (GRUMPILY)
Hello, Mr. Simmons.
I bet you all have
your own individual way
of saying, "Hello!"
(ALL GROANING)
When I say, "Hello, class,"
everyone respond
in your own individual way.
Hello, class!
(CRICKETS STRIDULATING)
Well, that's one way
to respond, by not responding.
Silence often speaks volumes.
WARTZ: Ah, music to my ears.
Okay. First, I'd like to
play with the structure
of this classroom.
Let's break free,
and move the desks
into one big circle.
(ALL GROANING)
I love getting to know
a new class. So I thought
we could break the ice
by doing
a communications exercise.
(CHILDREN GROANING)
This the truth crown.
Whomever is wearing it
has to look across the circle
and tell that person
one thing they like
about him or her.
One thing you like about
Arnold.
(STUTTERING) The truth
about Arnold?
Uh, well
I don't like
his stupid football head.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
No, no, no. No, that wasn't
the idea of this exercise.
Move our desks into a circle?
Wear a truth crown?
What is this,
some kind of wacky cult?
We have to get this guy.
All the usual tricks?
All the usual tricks.
Okay. Drop pencil
at 11:30.
Switch names, random coughing.
Curly, you fake
violent illness.
Got it.
Stinky, you pretend
not to understand English.
Right.
Everyone know the drill?
CURLY: Absolutely.
Affirmative.
All right.
HELGA: Let's get him.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
Class, I want
to start by telling you
my two main beliefs
about teaching. Number one.
(YAWNS)
In my class, each person
is a unique individual.
And the things they do,
good or bad,
they do because
that's who they are.
(SLIGHT CHUCKLE)
The pencil dropping ploy.
Oh, it takes me back
to when I was a kid.
Could you repeat that?
I don't understand English.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Uh, what's your name?
Harold.
What?
Quiet, Helga!
Harold.
BOTH: Yes.
Now, have you two
switched names
in order to confuse me?
Slow down, I'm confused.
Oh, now, I'm glad to see
the tradition of messing
with the new teacher's head
is alive and well.
(ALL COUGHING)
Okay. I'm not going to
get upset by all this coughing
because that's who I am.
And I accept that you all
have to do your coughing prank
because that's who you are.
My second teach belief
is students should
never stop asking why.
Why, why. All through
your life you should
never stop questioning
because that is how you learn.
Why, why, why?
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
This guy's a real slow pillow.
Now, I thought we would
take up where you left off
on your poetry lesson.
(CHILDREN GROANING)
I know a poem.
There once was
a man from Nantucket
That's fine. Have a seat.
Now, do you see,
the poetry I like is
experimental, doesn't have
to rhyme kinda stuff.
Like this famous poem,
by Walter Charles Walter.
The poem is called
"They were delicious."
"I have eaten the tomatoes
"that were on the window sill.
"were you saving them
for a special occasion?
"I apologize.
They were delicious,
"and so juicy, and so red."
It's not a poem.
It's just a long sentence.
Why don't each of you
take out a piece of paper
and write a poem
that comes from,
well, you.
Aw, forget it!
Who needs poetry?
Your touchy, feely
teaching method is bogus.
(ALL CHANTING
"BOGUS" REPEATEDLY)
You can taunt me,
you can play tricks on me,
you can laugh at me,
but nothing can hurt me
because I am stronger
than all of that.
Plus, I have
my favorite sandwich.
Turkey, tomato
and watercress
to look forward to.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Where's Where's my lunch?
Has anyone seen
a brown bag that was
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
This is inhuman.
(LAUGHING) We broke him.
You could've asked
for some sandwich,
I would've give you half.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, now,
I am happy to stay here
if you're going to attempt
to be class of students,
yet I just mainly
If you continue to act
like a mob of wild animals.
Let's continue to act
like a mob of wild animals!
HAROLD: Yeah!
(CHILDREN YELLING WILDLY)
Yeah!
Well, we did it.
We won't be seeing
that Granola boy Simmons
in these parts ever again.
We broke that teacher
like he was
an old hickory stick.
Yeah, and tomorrow
we'll get another sap.
(SCHOOLBELL RINGING)
I think I have
the right solution
to this class'
discipline problem.
Your new permanent teacher
is Mr. Goose.
(LAUGHING)
Well, actually, I should say
Lieutenant Major Goose.
(ALL GASP)
I'll have complete control
over this unit 0100 hours.
GOOSE: You will all
act as one unit
unless I address you
by name, is that clear?
Who deployed that pencil?
It was a calculated act.
Since the fallen object
is under your desk,
I assume you are the enemy!
What is your name?
Curly.
Your hair's not curly, boy.
What's your real name?
Thaddeus.
Curly, go stand
in that corner, face the wall.
(CHUCKLES)
You've earned yourself
a corner, little lady.
(HAROLD CHUCKLES)
And so have you, pally!
Move, move, move!
You, the remaining
corner, now!
Why?
Symmetry!
Now, any questions? Good!
Let's try it again.
ALL: (IN UNISON)
Eight times three is 24.
Eight times four is 32.
I can't hear you.
Eight times three is 24.
Eight times four is 32.
Eight times
GERALD: This Goose
is not a good man.
Not a good man at all!
PHOEBE: He seems
eerily sadistic.
GERALD: What are we
gonna do, Arnold?
I wish we could get
Mr. Simmons back.
Oh, please. Mr. Simmons?
That touchy-feely geek?
At least he listened to us
when we spoke.
He's innovative,
responsive and bright.
He taught us to ask why.
Now that's an innovative
brand of education.
Yeah. If only you guys
hadn't been so mean to him.
You ate his sandwich
and broke his spirit,
you moron.
Listen, I've got a plan.
Listen, teach. Bottom line,
we want you back.
Well, I'm afraid
that's not enough
of a reason for me, Helga.
Or should I say Harold?
Good afternoon.
(GERALD SIGHS)
I wish we could
just show Mr. Simmons
that we can learn,
that we're not just
a pack of raving lunatics.
Come on, guys,
we've got work to do.
(ALL PLEADING)
HAROLD: We've got presents.
STINKY: And poetry.
SIMMONS: Well
So, why don't we start off
with a free from poem?
SIMMONS: All right.
Gerald.
Sid.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I've seen the best minds
of my generation,
served up fastballs
in whacktown.
Someone yells car,
and they scatter
like so many leaves
from an October wind.
Then the bell rings,
and they're sitting
back in their class,
staring at a pop quiz.
(APPLAUSE)
This is my truth crown.
And what I like
about you, Mr. Simmons,
is your caring
and giving nature.
Mr. Simmons,
I made you something.
For me?
It's It's a sandwich.
This is very touching.
A replacement sandwich.
And more importantly,
it's a Harold Berman sandwich
because right between
the turkey and the tomato
is a little
invisible layer of love.
Friends, your presentations
have really moved me,
and because of who I am,
I want to come back
and be your teacher.
(CHEERING)
Hey, wait a minute,
you bunch of chuckleheads!
We have one very big obstacle.
Lieutenant Major Goose.
Well, we'll just have
to deploy a strategic strike
of our own.
Now, you fickle bunch of
ragtag fourth graders,
I'm determined to make
each and every one of you
a socially acceptable
human being.
Why?
Why what?
Why are we ragtag?
You're undisciplined!
Why do you have to
yell all the time?
Why are your shoes
always so shiny?
Why aren't you
still in the army?
Did you go AWOL or something?
Sit down!
Why did you
decide to be a teacher?
PHOEBE: Why don't you
ever ask us what we think?
Enough questions!
Why don't you
treat us like individuals?
Why are your pants
ironed so nicely?
Why don't you
teach us anything?
Why do fools fall in love?
Stop these questions!
And why are you
starting to sweat,
Lieutenant Major?
(GOOSE HUMMING)
HAROLD: Why can't you
handle all our questions?
Why are you humming
that patriotic song?
(GOOSE CONTINUES HUMMING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Why are you doing this,
Mr. Goose? Is this part
of the lesson plan?
Sir! May I be relieved
of my duties here, sir?
Does this mean
you're quitting?
Sir, yes, sir.
(SCREAMING)
What am I going to do now?
Uh, Principal Wartz,
you don't have to
look for another teacher.
We found the right one.
Hello, class!
(CHEERING)
Now, I know that we had
that scheduled math quiz,
but schedules
are for Lieutenant Majors.
Today, we're going to have
some unscheduled learning.
And what better way
than to take a hike
and have an outdoor picnic,
what do you say?
(CHEERING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)