Hot In Cleveland s02e01 Episode Script

But I thought you tell us your husband was an accounted.
He was.
But After he died, I've discovered he was also a fensfull mob.
You know what? I don't need the wine.
I'm ready to go now.
- As am I.
- Oh, go ahead.
I don't need sex with you.
I have my son.
The storm knocked out all of the reception.
Now I'm dying to tell him how much I want to meet him, and he's someplace thinking I don't care.
- I love you! Oh.
- Actress in a daytime drama goes to Victoria chase for edge of tomorrow.
- Oh! Oh, my God! - What the hell is all this stuff? - You had to date a cop, didn't you? Nobody knows the trouble I've seen nobody knows my sorrow nobody knows what the next line is Oh.
- Hey, fresh meat.
Pipe down.
- What's with the big m? - Stands for murder.
- Is that what you're in for? - No.
It's what I've been thinking about ever since you started playing that harmonica.
- So what are you in for, kid? - Drunk and disorderly.
Or, as I like to call it, Tuesday.
And how 'bout you? - Possession of stolen goods.
My husband was in the mob.
- Really.
Mine, too.
Which family? - Palomara.
- Me too.
I thought you looked familiar.
You're the one who brought the ambrosia to big Pauly's going-away party, aren't you? - You brought the gabagool.
- Yes.
And you were the one that got picked up with all the stuff.
Tell me, wasn't there a Faberge egg in the stuff? - Yes.
- Mm-Hmm.
I sold it to open the Faberge animal shelter.
- Mm-Hmm.
- Looking back, not the best name to keep the heat off.
- No.
- That took spunk.
- Thank you.
- I hate spunk.
- So let's not wait another 33 years to do this again, okay, stretch? - You got it.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Oh, you're right.
They do look like hookers.
- All right, you ladies have five minutes.
- Oh, Elka, you poor thing.
- Did you get the money? - Well, no, not yet.
Your bail is very high.
- Did you have to insult the judge like that? - He called me elderly.
- Well, you are elderly.
- And he was really fat.
But it's all your stupid cop boyfriend's fault.
- I know, and Pete's being punished.
I am not talking to him.
- That's not how you punish a man.
You talk more.
- We're trying to raise your bail.
But my money is all tied up in my house that won't sell.
- And mine's in my business, which is not doing so hot.
Apparently, in this economy, $200 eyebrow shapings are the first thing to go.
- People are plucking their own brows? Do we live in a third world country now? - Victoria.
You're loaded.
I mean, you spend thousands on that wrinkle stuff made from whale urine.
- When it's used for medicinal purposes, it's pronounced, "your-eine.
" Oh, and I haven't been able to reach my money people since the tornado.
Oh, I've got bars.
No offense.
And I have a message from my business manager.
He's probably calling to congratulate me on my emmy.
Oh, what a magical night.
I've been walking on air ever since.
- Oh, haven't we all.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? What is it? - My business manager has been indicted on tax fraud.
All of my assets are frozen.
I've been madoffed! - That's terrible.
- Honey, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, this is unfathomable.
I am Victoria chase.
I am rich and famous.
Now half of my identity is gone.
There's no rich.
There's no and.
I'm only famous.
- You're not even that famous.
- Victoria, calm down.
You're a strong woman.
You can get through this.
- Maybe you're right.
I mean, after all, I did play a homeless woman in the lifetime original movie concrete pillow, based on the novel the sidewalk is my bed, by shazique.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't be poor.
I'm flying private to Chicago on Thursday for Botox.
What a day to forget my chill pills.
- Oh, you gotta front up and bug down, bitch.
It's prison slang.
- You've been here three hours.
- The joint changes you.
I also know how to kill somebody with a toothbrush.
- Okay, listen.
There are a ton of things we could do to raise money, okay? We could have a benefit, or we could have an estate sale.
- In Cleveland, they're called garage sales.
- Ew.
- Well, do it.
You girls have to figure out some way to get money.
- Oh, bless you, Elka.
To think of me in this time of need.
- For me, you idiot.
I'm in frickin' jail.
- I carried this evening purse on the red carpet at the 2008 people's choice awards.
- Didn't Susan Lucci win that year? - That's irrelevant to the story.
- I'll give you a buck fifty.
- This retailed for $4,000.
- But it's so small.
- No, that's what makes it so chic.
It screams, "I have people to carry my things.
" - But what if you don't have people? - I don't know.
I-I mean, I really don't know.
- I would really like to buy something to help Elka.
I mean Don't you have anything larger than a size 4? - I certainly hope not.
- Oh, I'll get it.
- Hello, Melanie.
- Hi, Rick.
Boy, I haven't seen you since-- - since you saw all of me? - Yeah, you know what? That's all been forgotten.
- Really? Me completely disrobing because I mistakenly believed that you were attracted to me? That's totally out of your head? - Well, it's back now.
- Well, actually, I'm here to see Joy.
For some reason, our hemp-loving mailman delivered this letter to my home by mistake.
Excuse me, Joy.
I opened this before I saw who it was addressed to.
- Oh.
It's from the I.
N.
S.
- Mm-Hmm.
You, my dear, are in need of a green card.
Joy.
My darling.
My English muffin.
Would you marry me? - Marry you? What are you talking about? - Well, it's not that complicated.
I mean, we're all familiar with movies like the proposal and green card.
I'll be your Ryan Reynolds.
Your Gerard Depardieu.
- Absolutely not.
- Well, don't misunderstand.
I mean, the whole marriage would be a complete sham.
I would expect nothing in return.
- Then why would you do it? - Let me demonstrate.
E-excuse me.
Miss? - Yes? - Hi.
I'm Rick, and-- and this is Joy, my fiancee.
I notice your expression just changed.
You were surprised to hear that we were a couple.
- Well, yes, I guess I was.
- I don't want to put words into your mouth.
But several explanations may have popped into your head.
He must have money.
Or he's extraordinarily gifted in bed.
Or he's so incredibly wonderful that she was able to overlook his nonconformist body type.
Did any of these thoughts occur to you? Please be honest.
- Yes, all three of them.
- Very good.
You've been most helpful.
We are so gonna get me laid.
- Look, Rick, dear.
I appreciate the offer, really, but I've had letters like this before, and I've always been able to work it out.
I don't need a fake marriage.
- Would you do it just for me, then? - Hell no.
- Y-your mouth is saying, "hell no," but your eyes are just saying merely, "no.
" Now they're saying, "hell no.
" Hm.
So what is all this? - Oh, we're trying to raise Elka's bail money.
Unfortunately, nothing's selling.
- Of course not.
These L.
A.
fripperies have no value here.
You have to offer people something they want.
Like my balls.
- Excuse me? - I'm a collector of sports memorabilia.
Clevelanders love their teams.
People would pay any amount of money for the right item.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
Collectors have been drooling over my balls for years.
- Can't you just say baseballs? - I also collect basketballs and footballs, so no.
- Melanie, come on.
Please let me in.
- I'm not speaking to you, Pete.
Go away.
- Will you at least open the door? - All right.
But it's not gonna change one little thing.
Oh.
Hello.
- Good afternoon, ma'am.
I'm officer-in-training Jack Appel.
- I'm Melanie Moretti.
It's very nice to meet you.
I-I must have seemed awful just now.
Normally, I'm much friendlier.
I really am.
People actually comment on it.
I would ask him to vouch for me, but I'm not speaking to him because he put somebody that I care about in jail.
- When an officer of the law sees a crime being committed, it's his sworn duty to make the arrest, ma'am.
- See? - Well, now I'm not speaking to you, either.
- I'm sorry, ma'am.
- And don't call a woman "ma'am".
We hate it.
Call us "miss" until the day we die.
- Hey, guess who just sold Victoria's chill pills to the stoner mailman? - Well, we know who the bitch is gonna be.
- You're being deported? - My immigration status was already in question, and now, thanks to this arrest, they're gonna ship me back to England.
I need to clear my head.
I need a plan.
Oh, who am I kidding? I need a drink.
Take out that loose cinder block over there.
You'll find a baggie of raisin wine.
- Seriously? "Chateau neuf d'Elka.
" - It's a good vintage.
- You know This isn't my first time behind bars.
I was a bit of a wild child in my teen years.
Um, I'm not proud of it now, but I did my share of shoplifting.
Anyway My rebellious phase was brief.
Getting pregnant and giving my son up for adoption really sobered me up.
- Have you heard from him yet? - I haven't told anyone yet, but he sent me an email saying he has cold feet and wants to take some more time before meeting me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Me, too.
Ugh, this whole thing has got me thinking about time passing.
Mistakes I've made, regrets.
Getting older.
- Oh, you're a barrel of laughs.
You shouldn't worry so much about getting old.
There's a secret that nobody tells you.
You don't feel old.
You feel like yourself.
- Really? - Well, obviously, the--the woman looking back at me from my mirror isn't young.
She bugs me sometimes.
- I know.
It's weird, isn't it? I look at pictures of myself in my 20s when I obsessed over every little flaw, and I just want to shake the girl and tell her to relax and enjoy it.
- I look at pictures of me in my 70s, and I think that.
- Well, that gives me hope.
- It shouldn't.
I started out prettier than you.
- When are you gonna stop being mad at me? - When you stop arresting my friends.
- She committed a crime in front of a rookie officer who was watching my every move.
She was selling a controlled substance.
- Will you stop being such a narc? - But I am a narc.
It--it's on my badge, see? I'm in narcotics.
- Officer szymborska, chief has arrived and is ready for you.
- On my way.
I gotta go.
Um, I'm, uh, kind of getting a commendation for all the, uh, arrests I've been making.
Um, there's also a dinner.
Should I put down plus one? Right.
I'm calling you later, though.
- Hey, jailbirds.
I smuggled in breath mints.
- That's the least of our problems.
- Not the least.
- Ladies, I have the most amazing news.
In our mailbox, we received from an anonymous donor a cashier's check.
There's enough here to free Elka and get me to Chicago for my Botox.
- That's great! - Oh, thank God.
- What about me? - Oh, yes.
You.
Well, you seem to be holding up rather well.
These vertical lines are just so slimming.
- I can't believe you're choosing injections of botulism over your best friend.
Doesn't that worry you? - Well, yes, of course it does.
But I figure if I can get to Chicago, then at least I won't look worried.
- You know, Rick, in all the years you've been my Agent, I've always refused to do nudity.
But now I-- well, you could at least let me finish the sentence.
You see what poverty has reduced me to.
My life is over.
- Victoria, come on.
We're here to celebrate.
- Yes, you're right.
Two of my pals just got out of prison.
Oh, my God, I sound white trash already.
By this time tomorrow, I'll be listening to skynyrd and wearing a tube top.
- Who do you have to shank to get a drink around here? - I'll go check what the holdup is.
Excuse me, bartender.
- Oh, hello, Joy.
Everyone's admiring my balls.
- Your baseballs.
- In this case, yes.
I sold a few of them to the bar.
There's Bob Feller, Al Rosen, Rocky Colavito.
- You sold all these? - Mm-Hmm.
- Wait a minute.
You're the anonymous donor, aren't you? - Guilty.
- Wow, Rick.
That truly was a lovely thing to do.
- Well, merely squaring a debt.
You may find this hard to believe, but mine was an awkward and lonely youth.
Elka gave me my first ball.
I thought my head was going to explode.
- Please start saying, "baseball.
" - In this case, it's best to leave it ambiguous.
She was very giving to me when I needed it the most, and--and on that day, a 35-year-old became a man.
- Well.
Whatever the reason, we're grateful.
You know, about your earlier offer.
- Oh, the one that you so summarily rejected? - Yes, well, thing have changed, and I need a green card right away, so here goes.
I'm so desperate.
I guess I will marry you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That can't be how you pictured a proposal response.
- No, that's exactly how I pictured it.
I'm a realist.
But I didn't ask you again.
- Oh, okay.
Go ahead.
- Not so fast.
The tables have turned.
I'd like you to do the asking.
- Okay.
- In the traditional manner.
- Why is Joy getting down on her knees in front of Rick? - Prison changes a woman.
- Well.
I have news.
Elka, Rick was the one who bailed you out.
- Why, that dear, sweet, surprisingly tender boy.
- Wait a minute.
Are you saying that he's rich? - Back off.
He's mine.
- Hey, wait a minute.
I'm the only one who's seen him naked.
- You keep thinking that.
- What I'm saying is, we're engaged.
- What? - Joy, how are we supposed to feel about this? - Well-- It's the only way I can stay in this country.
So we have to make it seem very real and believable.
So I'm engaged! - I'll be right back.
- That's your fiancee? Wow.
You must be - yes, yes, I am.
I'd like a bottle of your best champagne and a side order of your telephone number.
Nothing lasts forever.
- You're terrible.
- Oh, I know.
- Ricky.
- Elka.
A vision, as always.
- I just wanted to thank you for what you did for me.
- No, I want to thank you for what you did for me.
We will always have the summer of '97.
- Blame it on coolio.
- Melanie.
- Pete, I'm not talking to you.
- You don't have to speak to me.
Just listen.
Look, I-I'm sorry that doing my job has hurt our relationship.
But I'd be even sorrier if I didn't tell you what's been on my mind all day.
Last night, in the tornado, I heard you yell, "I love you.
" But when I started to yell it back, some leaves flew into my mouth, and it ruined the moment.
So maybe you don't want to hear it right now, but I love you too.
- Oh, Pete.
I love you too.
- Oh.
- What's the screw doing here? - He told me he loved me, so we're not mad at him anymore.
And he's gonna stop arresting my friends, right? - Champagne for everyone! - Ah.
- Oh, what are we celebrating? - Joy's fake engagement to get a green card.
Got a problem with that, puerco? - Congratulations.
- A toast.
To losing my balls and getting a wife.
- Sounds like a real marriage to me.