House of Lies s02e01 Episode Script

Welcome to the new economy, America.
You open your mouth, and the damage just spills right out.
My name is Marty kaan and I'm a management consultant.
How do you make improvements on a masterpiece? Me and my team talk people into thinking they really need us Just enough to sell them some more.
We're paying out the ass for top-tier consulting firms.
Why not acquire one? You will be ours.
With this potential merger coming up, all of our asses are on the line.
Our asses are on the line because of you.
Clyde oberholt has just been named in the 25 under 30 of management consultants.
Boom! You think I don't see all - your fucking teacher's pet ass kissing every day? - What? What do you mean, "what?" Marty's my mentor.
No, he's not, Doug.
He's not.
You go home and do what you can to cope with the shift.
Hey, dad? Huh! Yeah? What's mom doing here? Don't ever fuck your ex-wife.
Our son is a tranny for life.
Be expecting a call from my lawyers.
I want custody of Roscoe.
She can't take him, dad.
She didn't take him.
He went.
There's an 87% likelihood that we're gonna sleep together, so Oh, my God.
What? Certain partners have been using their considerable influence to bang the hotter, younger elements of the company.
He promised my fast rise to partner.
The merger's dead.
Namaste! You are sluticus! I've been behaving badly.
Seriously? So you blew up your life for the job.
You blow up your life every day for the job.
To the Motherfucking Blower Uppers.
Still don't know what it is we do? Hmm, then I guess we're doing it well.
steady, are you ready? steady are you ready for me? steady, are you ready? steady, are you ready for me? come a little closer take another bite steady, are you ready for my rocket tonight? come across the ocean Hey, Jeannie.
Marty.
Well, you look rested.
Seriously? Uh, no.
I was just being polite.
You look like shit.
Ah, there he is.
No, but seriously, how-how you doing? How you been? You know, I fucked my boss, told the whole company, left my handsome rich fiancé and got kicked out of our stunning downtown loft, was forced to take a two-week paid vacation to think about what a naughty girl I've been, and decide whether or not I want to sue my employer.
I think that's everything.
Am I leaving out? Oh, chlamydia.
Wow.
So - Work? - Uh, for Yeah, let's go.
Yeah.
Let's, probably go to work.
But you don't really have chlamydia, do you? I wish I was joking.
Um, Marty, I-I don't really Because a lot of weird stuff happened that night.
I mean a lot yeah.
Of really weird shit went down with the rainmaker, with you, with me.
And when I left the hotel, I didn't have any underpants.
Wow.
There's people right there.
And I'm not sure if, um, we Did we? Here's the thing.
I'm just gonna.
Be honest right now, Marty.
I blacked out, so I don't know if Did we? I'm not saying for a fact that we did, - but did we? - Well, you know what? You know what? I'm sure that we didn't.
This is a conversation that we definitely need to have.
We need to have this discussion, but I don't know if we need to do it at this moment.
Okay.
At this point, Marty, I'm not even sure who I am anymore, so if, um Yeah, right.
There's a lot of people.
Okay, but if we could just get this one little thing cleared up.
Saying it more quietly doesn't help.
There's a lot of people.
I know.
Yeah, there's a lot of people in the elevator.
Marty? Marty, did we? Jeannie, please, can we just focus, okay? We got to step into this meeting - with the new queen of galweather, - I know.
In, like two minutes, all right? I know, I know, I'm just trying to figure out - Because I think - I mean, the board is convinced that this one, she's gonna turn this place around, take the stink off of it.
Which makes a lot of sense because she did spend $100 million of her own dollars to try and buy this gubernatorial election.
Didn't work.
Shit the bed.
I know, I know.
- Excuse me.
- But I really don't care how much So that's the board's wisdom.
Marty, please, can you not just? Marty! Marty! Jeannie, I don't remember either.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Welcome back, pass-around Patty.
Thank you, Clyde.
You're welcome.
- That means so much coming from you.
- Yeah, well, I missed you, too.
But you two haven't seen each other since you've been sidelined, have you, Jeannie beannie? - I - I mean, not like socially or, I don't know-- I'm gonna throw it out there-- fucking? - Oh, yeah! - Just like weird, drunk, sweaty fucking.
Because there was that night, do you remember, Doug? - I do.
Yeah.
- Do you remember that night? We were all drinking-- all of us were drinking-- then you two just disappeared-- that's what I remember-- then there's a gap of time.
- Right.
Ooh! - I have no idea what you filled that gap with.
- You know what? We have a pool going.
- Yes.
And right now we're at five-to-one you guys did it.
- Are you serious? Is this model sound? - Uh-huh.
Marty's given us no information, so it is not sound, but we are gathering data.
We need data.
Meeting, meeting, meeting.
Let's go.
Shit.
Uh, my goodness, this is quite a good-looking bunch.
But I'm not being inappropriate or harassing.
Very good.
I want to introduce myself.
My name is julianne hofschraeger, and I am the interim ceo here at the new galweather stearn.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with my cv, I turned around a few little Internet companies you may have heard of.
I had a very, just wonderful run for office that didn't work out exactly as I had planned.
Shake that off.
Gotta shake it off.
We are building a new company here based on a fresh ethical reality.
This is the era of women at galweather; we are bringing in some new management-level gals, and internally, we are promoting our very own Jeannie Van Der hooven Are you kidding me? To engagement manager.
Manager? That doesn't even mean anything.
What? Wow! Congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Well, you know what? That's enough talk.
Let's get to work moving this company forward.
Look at you, huh? Jeannie! How's it feel? You got the big 'ol "please don't sue us" promotion.
Also known as the non-promotion promotion.
Ding-ding.
Fuck! I like her.
She seems dynamic.
You're a big idiot.
- Marty, that night - You know how to running man? You know how to running man.
You, you did the running man.
See it? Absolutely, absolutely.
Go, Marty.
Go, Marty.
Mm, no, you did the running man.
I don't know how to do the running man.
Jeannie, do the running man.
Yeah, I know that now.
What else, Marty? Oh, my God, Marty, what else? Marty, you and your pod have a 9:45 conference call with Mr.
Pincus.
Thanks.
Who set up Pincus? Don't look at me.
I don't - What do you mean? - Okay.
Yeah, I'm on it, I'm on it.
- Are you guys fucking kidding me? - I don't have pinc See? There! You see? The new galweather stearn off to save the day.
You go get 'em, sister.
Marty, You know that we're hemorrhaging business - with the big guys leaving, right? - Mm.
You're the new Jesus Christ, and I am counting on you to close like a motherfucker.
Yeah, well, I can do that, Ms.
hofschraeger.
Oh, come on.
You're kidding, right? It's julianne.
Julianne.
What was I thinking? Oh! Okay okay.
A little extra bonus.
Who the fuck is Pincus? Tell me that somebody has some notes.
Who the fuck is Pincus? I have no idea, Marty.
I swear to you, I don't know.
He's not mine.
I've never heard the name Pincus before in my life.
Me either.
And he's not on our client docket at all.
- Google the fuck out of this motherfucker.
- I'm doing it now.
Jeannie, are you sure you didn't set this? No.
I have been on a bullshit vacation, remember? Great.
I have 65 Pincuses in leadership positions in the U.
S.
did his area code come up? It's a blocked number.
He's on the phone right now.
- This second, he's on.
- We gotta take the call.
We can't Okay, shock and awe.
Doug, start a goddamned database right now.
Go.
Here we go.
Hello.
Am I speaking with Mr.
Pincus? This is Pincus.
Yes, sir, we'd really like to thank you for taking this call.
Should we call you "Mr.
Pincus," or would you prefer? Who am I talking to? Is this the group from galweather? Yes, it is, sir.
Call was supposed to start five minutes ago.
Exactly.
So let's dig right in.
We wanted to get your point of view on the deliverables, um, and both the scope of the short-term work and, uh, the endgame scenarios.
Uh-huh.
And, sir, I had a quick question-- how is the weather Over there? It's fine.
Go on.
Uh, we always want to make sure that our journeyline is, uh, on track.
So, what do you think? What do you we think is a very direct way to begin.
So let's just start there.
Thank jumping Jesus you're not charging me for this initial consult or you'd be hearing a goddamn dial tone.
And we would deserve to hear that djal tone, sir, but, uh, let's just step back and admire the problem as it were, um, because we want to make sure we're aligned, and that there's no disconnect at the end of the day, we're trying to get an idea of what it is you're expecting to get out of this engagement-- net-net, uh, end state vision.
I already discussed that with the first guy.
So, why would you bother sharing it with us? Understood.
- Sir, this is what I'm thinking - Stochasticity.
What? Stochasticity, sir.
Randomness, entropy.
Uh, the second law-- as my chaos theory Professor at Harvard would call it.
You know, really it governs our whole lives.
Uh, the beautiful chaotic, utterly unpredictable world that we inhabit, all that we can rely on, sir, is a random series of zeros and ones I thought this meeting was Try to stay with me, Mr.
p.
This stuff isn't easy, but the one and only thing that we can truly count on in this random universe is that occasionally that randomness can present itself as, well, fate.
What is your name, son? Uh, Guggenheim, sir.
Uh, Guggenheim with a g.
Mr.
G.
Uh, yes, sir.
I want you to shut the fuck up for the remainder of this call.
Yes, sir.
Uh, listen, Mr.
Pincus, you sound like you're a no-bullshit kind of a guy to me-- is that right? Yeah, with a very strong bullshit detector.
And you probably can tell we're dancing around quite a bit right now.
You're like Jennifer grey, son.
All right, what Doug Guggenheim just said to you is absolute bullshit.
Because as much as we've been working and thinking and crunching these numbers, we really need to sit down with you and get a 360 vision of the horizon from where you sit, sir.
People are more than just a random set of numbers, all right? We are flesh and blood.
And until we can look you in the eye, and you can look us in the eye and find out what kind of people we are, it's all bullshit.
That's the first thing anyone's said that makes sense.
All right, fantastic.
So, listen, why don't we just fly out and, uh We could also drive.
Easily take a train or something like that.
Boat.
Probably won't take a boat.
Probably not gonna be a boat, sir.
Mr.
Pincus? I'll be in L.
A.
tomorrow morning.
You people need to deliver something I can understand.
Okay.
You guys think you can find out who this motherfucker is? - Yeah.
- Hey, Doug? - Mm-hmm? - You want to have - a chat with me in my office? - Sure.
Doug, can I just say that was fantastic, wonderful work.
You really took it out there.
Mr.
G.
Do you want to smell? Don't do that! A little harder then.
Don't be a bitch, hit me harder.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
You broke my face.
Whoa, wow Look.
- You don't punch like a bitch.
- Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Hey, Jeannie? What? What the hell happened to you? Nothing.
I don't know.
Do you remember when I was the one everyone thought was on the zipline to partner? That was fun.
I think people still do.
I doubt it, but it's just a lot more complicated now.
Maybe.
I think you'll be fine.
At least now you can fuck anybody you want, right? Got rid of that stupid fiancé-- you can do anything you want.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Like Marty, you could fuck Marty again.
Jesus Christ, Clyde.
Can you not maintain the illusion of niceness for like longer than 60 seconds? I usually Max out around 40.
So but did you fuck him though? Oh, come on, dad.
Roscoe, I'm not saying that your mom's place is not a good place for you to be.
Oh, no, you'd never say that.
What I'm saying is I think Dad, I know what you're saying.
How do you know what I'm saying? - You - You won't even let me finish a sentence.
You think your house is a better place for me to be, but you keep not showing up for me, dad.
Not showing up? Are we not sitting here right now? Dad, seriously? Listen, Roscoe.
I was distracted, buddy.
I'm sorry.
I'm a kid.
I already apologized for that.
I'm a kid, dad-- I shouldn't have to be the one to figure all this out or make a rational decision based on my findings.
That should be my parents' job.
Uh, it is your parents' job.
And as your parent, I feel Dad, it's not about what you feel Really? I got to do what I got to do-- my life.
Keep your voice down-- don't disrespect me.
Hello, I hear we have a carpenters fan at the table.
It's not a good time.
No.
Absolutely not.
Buzz off.
Fuck.
Could you just go with it, please? I'm right on the bubble at this job, and my manager is, um, over there.
- Your manager looks like escaped from a mental ward.
- Dad, just it's-it's fine.
She's on the bubble.
Thank you.
why do birds suddenly - appear every time - I love this song.
you are near just like me, they long to be close to you? why do stars fall down from the sky every time you walk by? just like me they long to be close to you She's not bad.
Yeah, as bumblebees go.
the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true so they sprinkled moon dust in your hair and golden starlight in your eyes of blue that is why all the girls in town girls in town That's right.
follow you follow you all around? All around just like me they long to be close to you.
Close to you.
- Very nice.
- Good job! Not bad, Bumblebee, not bad.
- Hey.
- Oh! Hi, you must be Marty! Yeah, hi Hi, hi! Hi, hi.
Tessa, did you make tempeh? Hells yeah, sister.
Awesome.
I think you guys might be in bedtime trouble.
Seriously? Yeah.
Don't worry, I think madame will let it slide this once.
Are you leaving? Yeah.
Oh, hello, gentlepersons.
Hey, mom.
Hey.
I put the tempeh in the fridge and the quinoa's still cooling, so if you'll put it away before you go to bed.
Okay, yeah, thank you.
Later, dude.
So great to meet you, Marty.
Uh, yes.
You, too.
Here's the deal.
I will not get mad if you go straight to your room, you read for ten minutes.
Ooh, I'm terrified.
Hey.
Ooh.
You had her sing that carpenters song, didn't you? I don't know what you're talking about.
Night, daddy.
Good night.
Night, mom.
Night, baby.
So, hey, Monica.
Hey, Marty.
Okay, what the fuck? What? Wh-what What the fuck is all of this? You know, you got your cute little vegan chef, and you're all domestic and Homey and stay-at-home-mommy-y.
Mm.
I mean, come on, this isn't you, Monica.
Really, Marty, so you know me better than I know myself? Is that is that what it is? No, I think we both know Monica pretty well by now, right? You know what, let's not.
We just go round and round-- let's just not do it.
I shared about this exact thing at my meeting last night.
You shared about me at your 12 step meeting? That is so awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's okay, I mean, that's why they call it "anonymous.
" No, I'm not worried about that, I just, uh I just don't know what's really going on, I mean, is this some sort of a legal custody grab? He's already here, Marty.
Then what the fuck is really going on, Monica? Maybe it seems impossible to believe but people grow, and then they change and that's what's happening to me.
Oh.
I'm not angling for anything.
I'm not trying to win you back.
I'm moving forward, I'm happy.
I wish you could move forward, too.
Mm-hmm.
Marty, I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
And I want I just No, I don't we should definitely not do anything.
This is not Let's do this.
No, I don't Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
Mm.
Oh We should not We should No, no.
No.
What? Wh-what? What are We should not.
What do you mean? We're already doing it, what are you talking about? We're not no.
Maybe if it was last night, when I was unbearably horny - You were unbearably horny last night? - No - You should've called me.
- That's not what I'm saying.
Listen to me.
Go.
Monica.
You gotta go.
- Be fucking serious - You gotta go.
I am serious.
Monica, stop fucking around.
Come on Marty.
Stop.
Monica Monica.
not gonna roll my eyes if the trains aren't running not gonna get mad if the money stops coming.
Thank you.
I've got time hello.
I've got time Dude My God, Marty.
This is Luna.
Hey, Marty.
Hey, Luna.
I can't believe I'm actually getting to meet you.
Uh me, too.
Oh, and this This is Jo.
Hi, Jo.
Hi, Marty.
Oh, hi.
Two, three, give him four.
Oh! Baroom! Clyde was right about you.
He was? Mm-hmm, totally.
Totally.
So, um, what's When you called me Yeah? I was with my girls, so I figured - why not bring 'em over - Wait, wait, wait.
"Your girls"? Oh, my goodness, yes.
Oh, I must not have told you.
We all date.
We're like a couple, but there's three of us.
Oh, that's really well put, - baby.
- Totally.
Wow.
So you're in a committed relationship with two women.
I mean Yeah.
Yes? Yeah.
Right? Like, for example, Marty, if, um, you know, me and you wanted to Oh, well, why wouldn't we? Exactly.
Uh I don't mean to be a stickler, because it sounds awesome It is awesome.
- It's awesome.
- Yeah, it's amazing.
But why go through the trouble of calling it a relationship if you guys are with each other but you're also with whoever? Hmm.
Oh No idea.
I don't know.
Don't even think about I think you're getting off track.
What Luna was trying to say is if you guys ever wanted to fuck Yeah.
Fucking go for it, man.
But that would then put me in kind of a relationship with you, right? Uh - I guess kind of.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, baby.
You were right.
He is super smart.
Oop, guess what I just figured out? What? Reached my boundary.
Wait, which is what? Oh, any scenario that involves me potentially waking up in bed next to Clyde.
Haven't said no yet.
Oh.
No yet.
Oh It's your loss.
Bourbon.
You pick it.
Um, wait.
So are we still in a committed relationship? Yes, yes.
Like, us three are committed.
One hundred percent.
- That's not what he said.
- He doesn't understand.
I don't even get what he said.
When do I get to fuck Jo? Wait, you guys can fuck each other anytime.
? I've got time.
Uh, well, oh, hey! Thanks for joining us, Mr.
Guggenheim.
- Slippers? - Yeah.
Pulled an all-nighter, Marty.
People need to know.
Okay, so, here's what we found out.
A whole bunch about our friend Pincus.
We know he's obviously threatened by Harvard-educated men.
- Fuckin' drop it, Doug.
- What? It might help us forensically.
- It's not gonna help us in any way.
- We don't know that yet.
Are you saying you still don't know who Pincus is? Problem is, he's not in the system, okay? So any partner or consultant who made the initial contact didn't provide any record of it.
I'm sure that when you Google the man, something comes up, right, Doug? You do get something.
All right.
So Mr.
Ivy-league-hating Pincus is either an elusive shipping magnate, a video game software ceo, an innovator in fire-retardant sleepwear, a third-tier casino owner, or a vodka distiller.
Yeah, uh, and only two of those have photographs.
Five fucking names.
You don't know shit, Doug.
- I wouldn't say that.
- No, you don't know shit.
That's as narrowed down as you got the list? So how much of that all-nighter did you spend just sleeping? Well, I'm a wreck without at least seven hours.
Okay, so that's not an all-nighter.
- You got a full night's sleep.
- Except I was here all night.
That's not the way an all-nighter works, okay? Marty.
Did we do some sort of exercise? No.
Definitely not.
I think we did.
In fact, I'm almost positive that we did.
Wait a minute.
Did I do a shitload of push-ups? Oh I remember that.
Yeah.
Mr.
Pincus is here.
What what are you talking about? - Here, now? - Now.
Wait, what does he look like? Uh, like oldish.
That doesn't hold on.
Did he say anything about me? Shah Guggenheim.
- Fuck off, Doug.
- Just-just tell him - Just tell him we're on our way, okay? - All right, all right.
What do we do? Well, we're not gonna panic.
- I disagree; I think we should panic.
- We should panic.
Yes.
All right.
Here you are, sir.
Mr.
Pincus.
So good to finally meet you in the flesh, sir.
That's quite a grip.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh, sorry I'm late.
I was on the phone with the Chinese.
You know how they can yammer on.
Uh anyway, I'm sure the team's already titr'd you, so I'm just gonna jump right in.
Um, in your industry-- well, in any industry, really-- uh environmentals can disrupt bau-- business as usual-- and we just wanted to, you know, get your take on these, moving forward.
That's why I'm talking to you.
Well, of course that's why you're talking to us.
- Of course.
- No, of cour.
We were just wondering if we could get an idea of your data point.
Have a seat.
Please.
Please.
Thank you.
Mr.
Pincus, we know.
We know about everything.
All of it.
We know you're under siege, sir.
Your technology is outmoded.
It's ancient.
I know.
I I know.
The sad truth, sir, is that you're losing touch.
You're affected by international banking failures.
You're telling me? You're not sleeping.
You're desperate.
Mm.
You're right.
I am.
We know that you've even considered - God, I don't even want to say it.
- Don't, then.
Don't do it.
No.
Well, I'm ashamed to say, yes, I have.
The whole thing Oh, it's-it's slipping away.
But we got your back, sir.
You can take a breath, friend For the first time in years.
We are going to take your business back to heights you never thought were possible, and then beyond.
To a new paradigm, a new reality, a new place where your friends, your-your family, your employees They're gonna see a new Pincus.
A new Pincus? Forgive me, sir.
A "now" Pincus.
I like the sound of that.
A now Pincus.
A better, more hopeful Pincus.
A Pincus who once again has the world by the fuckin' balls.
Yes, goddamn it, yes.
That's the spirit! Okay.
So now that you've heard all this, what are we gonna do together? I think that's pretty obvious.
Well No.
- Say it anyway.
- You gotta say it, though, right? - It'll be fine.
- Let's go, come on.
Obvious is obvious, but don't you want to put it out there? Just-just say it.
Because we all love shipping.
- Right? Or - What? Or pajamas.
Pajamas? And it is Gotta say it out loud.
Let's go, baby.
We're gonna build a better goddamn casino.
Casino! You're goddamn right! We're gonna build a better casino.
Casino! Marty Marty.
Now that you've got them thinking about it, I'm afraid they're going to break up with me.
Excusez-moi, mesdemoiselles.
And then there was trois.
You know, Clyde was, uh, telling me that you're all in an open relationship.
That you could, essentially, have a menagé a Gugg, oui? No.
Oh, no.
Clyde, they like you so much they can even resist Doug Guggenheim speaking French.
One of his better moves.
Jeannie, put down the water and t a real drink.
Because we're going to fucking Vegas, baby! Yeah, Vegas! Yes! would it be enough for you Stop.
Jeannie, stop.
Taxi! Whoa! Do it right! I did it! in another life we go unnoticed.
Uh-oh.
running naked through the streets I love you.
in another life you're catching roses from all the people that could have What? fallen at your feet no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No? in another life we are eternal hmm wear no shoes upon our feet