Housebroken (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
I'm in the dog house ♪
'Cause I let the cat
out of the stupid bag ♪
Like every winter,
let the chicken out ♪
And drop off like a flag ♪
There's something smelling
mighty fishy ♪
This time of year ♪
Monkey see, monkey do ♪
Hold your horses, I'll take two ♪
Woofin' around ♪
Woofin' about ♪
I'm gonna make you a mess ♪
'Cause I love you ♪
[chuckles]
Are you ready for your present?
Oh, Darla, that's lovely.
But it's never going to fit.
Well, not with that attitude
it's not.
[jazzy holiday music]
♪
[meows]
♪
I can't return it.
I'm not gonna return it.
The antlers are slimming.
- The sweater will make him look fat.
- [sighs]
Don't you body shame
our dog.
- The holidays suck!
- Breathe, Jill, breathe.
Uh, can you bring it down
a skosh?
I'm trying to squeeze in
a quick nap
- before nap time.
- How can you sleep?
You know how every The Holidays,
Jill gets so stressed
when her mom and Nathan visit.
And you know how stressed I get
when Jill's stressed.
It's just all so stressful!
Aaah!
If I put my mom's decorations
up before she gets here,
our relationship might
finally turn a corner.
[chuckles weakly]
Okay.
That's a collectible.
Do I want to put that out?
This year, I was really hoping
Jill would advocate for herself.
And I was hoping you'd stop
being a wet blanket
so we could have some
The Holidays fun.
Oh! Let's get our heads stuck
in presents and panic.
- [laughs]
- Would you stop?
I'm trying to have
[crash]
- A serious
- Aah! Help!
I'm stuck
in this present somehow.
[chuckles] This is awesome.
Also, this is terrifying.
Mom's hideous ceramic wreath.
I just have to get that up.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, we're not ready, Jill.
We're not ready!
- Hello, Jill.
- Hello, Honey.
- Nathan. Merry The Holidays.
- We'll see.
Grandma and Uncle Nathan
are here!
[gasps]
[wreath shatters]
Oh, sorry, Mom.
I'm such a klutz.
It's not your fault.
I should have stopped
having kids at none.
Zing.
[chuckles]
[The Nutcracker's "Dance of
the Sugar Plum Fairy"]
Pet me, Jill.
We both need it.
Please, for the love
of all that is holy,
- pet me, you beautiful son of a bitch!
- God, she's pathetic.
If this isn't the last
The Holidays we spend here,
I'm going to ask for a
woodchipper so I can fly into it.
Maybe there's a way
to spice things up a little.
Ooh.
Oh, Chief, ol' boy.
Look, Kris Kringle has arrived.
Hurry! Warn everyone.
Aah! He's here!
Kris Kringle's here!
Kris Kringle's here! Here!
- [sobs] Chief.
- You're so sparkly and beautiful.
- No, don't lick me. Don't.
- [chuckles]
God, just because you're a dog
- doesn't mean you have to act like one.
- Ouch.
[bell jingles]
Here, Honey, let me get that.
- Aah!
- [chuckles]
Get it out. Get it out!
Oh, no!
That is glued in there.
We have to get her to the vet
to remove it. Stat!
Because of you, I'm spending
The Holidays at the vet!
[door slams]
Aw.
It's okay. I know
Chief didn't mean to do this.
Well, of course he didn't.
That's why he needs
discipline and structure.
And you offer none of that.
Bad owner. Bad owner!
- Ugh.
- Okay, Mom.
I know what you're thinking.
Just say it.
I hate your haircut.
[upbeat music]
Deck the halls with Davey Spadey ♪
Deedle-deedle-dee,
da-beep-bop-boop ♪
- Our first annual Holi-Dave Bash!
- Oh, I miss my old Ray,
but man, am I glad he left us to Spade.
He and I are BFFs already.
And I overheard him saying
I'm gonna be the Christmas ham!
- What?
- Oh, don't be jealous.
Performing is in my blood.
So if anyone's gonna ham it up
for the guests, it's gonna be me.
I'm planning this one
really hammy bit
where I shove streamers
in my snout and ka-pow!
Um, Max? I don't think that's
what they're looking for
from the Christmas ham.
♪
Ah, we'll get
that pinecone out of there.
It's a simple procedure.
No harm done.
What about the emotional trauma?
And not just from this, but the
trauma of living with Chief and Jill.
Not that you care about that.
Typical western medicine ideology.
[barking]
Whoa!
Don't you realize you have
to treat the whole dog?
[barks]
Ooh, pills!
Ooh, these should take
the edge off.
- [sighs]
- Hey, Doc, are you single?
Don't look at her now.
Her hair will grow out.
[sighs]
Ooh, pills.
[gulps]
[sighs]
[dramatic music]
Oh, golden Buddha-Dog,
why can't I be part of a family
that's more like me?
♪
- Eat me?
- Yes.
That's what Spade means
by Christmas ham.
[chuckles]
Okay, Larrabee, please.
Come on, Max. The incomparable
Dana Carvey is here.
- You're the dinner, not the theater.
- Oh, my God!
[grunts]
♪
Yeah, ooh.
Right there, right there.
[fire sizzling]
♪
[gasps]
Spade's gonna eat me.
[horns wheezes]
Max? Max.
[knife swishing]
Where are you?
- Where's my yummy boy?
- [gasps]
Oh, crap.
[horn wheezes]
I gotta get out of here.
Don't tell Spade I've
never seen "Tommy Boy"!
[upbeat music]
Jill. Jill.
- Jill!
- Hi, Honey.
Do I get to go home with you?
[chuckles]
[phone rings]
Happy The Holidays, please hold.
Happy The Holidays, please hold.
No, we don't euthanize pets
on Christmas.
[phone rings] Happy The Holidays,
please hold. What?!
We're here for Lady Capulet.
[groans] Poodle, right?
I'm getting her, all right?
Can Bernstein work Christmas?
Sure, Bernstein can always
work Christmas.
But does he ever get
off for Tu BiShvat? Nooo.
Now, come on, Lady Capulet.
Unlike Bernstein, you get to go home.
♪
Hey, welcome back.
The pinecone's gone.
You must be in a really good
and forgiving mood,
- right, Honey?
- Sure thing, sweetie.
- [chuckles]
- Wait, why aren't you yelling?
I can yell if you want me to!
Uh, okay, go ahead, Honey.
Lay it on me.
I'm a dummy.
Stupid. Unculturalized.
Just say whatever it is
you're gonna say.
Let's go find a hornet's nest
and pee on it!
Wait, I've been begging you
to pee on hornets' nests
for years, and suddenly
you're excited about it?
Maybe that pinecone surgery
caused serious brain damage.
The fun kind!
Come on, let's go piss off
some hornets, Honey.
- [laughs]
- Okay, "darling."
[piano music]
[grunts]
Oh, is-is it out?
Phew. What a relief. I could
not go through life with
a pinecone hanging off me like
some kind of 2005 geo-prism.
[laughs]
That was good.
Uh, Guernico,
I don't believe that's Lady.
She's similar in appearance,
yet she's not nearly
as obnoxious and dimwitted.
Indeed, Caravaggio.
Perhaps it's best if we keep
that to ourselves.
Hello there.
Um, where am I?
You're at the Van Amburgs.
Those are our humans.
- The ones with the books?
- We've never actually seen their faces.
- Whoa. Real intellectuals?
- But we shouldn't be conversing.
We are in a sit stay, which is
quiet time to think and reflect.
No way. I never get
to think and reflect.
But how did I get here?
[clicker clicks]
Dogs, enrichment corner.
Wait, enrichment corner?
I'm with a family
that's more like me?
But how?
Why can't I be part of a
family that's more like me?
My wish was granted!
I'm in one of those classic
magical The Holidays
life swap switcheroos!
[chuckles]
We'll be right back.
[clicker clicks]
Dogs, dinner.
[food rattling]
Wait. Wait.
Wait.
- This is incredible.
- Wait.
- I've waited my whole life
- Wait.
to experience delayed gratification.
- Wait.
- And now it's here.
- Soon!
- Wait.
Wait. Wait.
[clicker clicks]
Dogs, dine.
Mmm. Oh.
Oh, it tastes so much better
than it would have 20 seconds ago.
♪
[laughs]
I can't believe
I've been rolling around
in human waste by myself
all these years.
Thanks for joining me, Honey.
Any time, pumpkin.
[chuckles]
Aw. What should we do next?
Oh, I know. We should
[together]
Eat each other's vomit.
[all growling]
[clicker clicks]
Dogs, leave it.
Self-control is so awesome.
I can barely stand it.
Mm-mm.
Eat a lot so our poops are
festive through the summer.
Dogs, music.
[classical music playing]
Five, seven, one. Go!
Cardio!
[crash]
Cardi B.
[crash]
[clicker clicks]
Dogs, martini.
♪
[both chuckling]
Good dog.
[together]
I'm living my best life!
Nobody tells you the hardest part
about your owner
wanting to eat you is
being alone for The Holidays.
[melancholy jazz music]
♪
[purrs]
♪
[grunts]
Happy The Holidays, my friend.
[sighs]
What's so happy about it?
It's the one time of year
I visit all 324 of my kids.
Oh, just like Nick Cannon.
Well, then I won't bother you.
No, please bother me.
Kids, go play in traffic.
That'll cut their numbers in half.
You are a good dad, Raccoon.
Much better than Spade.
He wants to eat me,
so I'm running away.
You know what you should do?
Get yourself
a Jewish celebrity this time.
They're less likely to put you
on the menu.
Hmm.
Jewish celebrity?
Jewish celebrity!
Where are you, Jewish celebrity?
[car honks] Oh, Spider-Man.
That's Jewish, right?
[mellow jazzy music]
- Checkmate.
- [giggles] I love it here.
I've never been happier
or more disciplined.
Thank you for your hospitality.
[licks]
[both gasp] How dare you lick
Teri Van Amburg on the face!
I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh, what? At my old house,
showing affection was
- the way we showed affection.
- Shame stance. [clicker clicks]
They're clicking at you.
Oh, okay.
Shame stance. Sure.
I, um no, I got this.
Uh boom.
- Am I even close?
- Ugh, good enough.
BOTH: Shame. Shame. Shame.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
- Like I said, I love it here.
- Shame. Shame.
Long story short,
Spade wants to eat me.
So I've spent
the last two hours
wandering the streets
yelling for a Jewish celebrity.
- Been there.
- So do you mind if I crash here tonight
until I find a new A-list human?
Sure, buddy. Come on in.
We're in the middle
of our Christmas show.
"The Shining: The Musical."
Jack seems a little stressed ♪
He used to be a drinker ♪
I think I'll kill my family ♪
Ain't I such a stinker? ♪
Here's Johnny!
[together]
Come play with us forever.
Christmas is saved!
ALL:
Christmas at the Overlook is ♪
Always such a dud ♪
And not just 'cause the elevators ♪
Overflow with blood ♪
It's even better than last year's
"Texas Chainsaw Massa-Christmas."
Would you look at that,
it's time for me
to make up a lazy excuse to leave.
[snoring]
Cannon-bear!
- Aah!
- Come on.
Let's go eat each other's vomit.
Yeah, we did that already.
It's nap time.
Just sleep with your mouth
open and I'll do the rest.
- That's gross, even for me.
- Come on.
I never get to do fun stuff like this.
Well, I never get to nap now
that you like to do fun stuff.
You're fat.
I'm going to go bite that lady.
- [growls]
- [gasps]
Whoa, whoa. Wait.
That's Jill, our mom goddess.
We love her.
When did you get so mean?
What is wrong with you?
I'm gonna go dig a hole
in the couch.
[chuckles]
Man, I thought I preferred
brain-damaged Honey, but I don't.
I miss loving, patient,
doesn't finish her food,
wet blanket Honey.
Who can help me un-damage
her brain?
[gasps]
Tchotchke, how do I assemble
Honey's boring friends?
[ululates]
[martial music]
[camera shutter snaps]
[tires buzz]
Okay, guys, this is gonna
be hard for you to see,
but something has happened
to Honey.
- Honey!
- [spits] Yes, buttercup?
[lid clanks]
[chuckles]
Look, I broke Honey.
- That's not Honey.
- Right? She's like a different dog.
- She is different dog.
- Yeah, I know.
Get the pinecones out of your ears.
This is what I'm trying to tell you.
Hey, is your name Honey?
- Who the hell is Honey?
- [gasps] Oh, my God, guys.
This isn't Honey.
How were there no signs?
For the last time,
my name is Lady Capulet.
The vet mixed us up, duh.
Boy, you're a master of deception.
And now poor Honey is stuck
at the vet.
[laughs]
Where after going unclaimed
she'll be put to sleep,
to death, forever!
To death!
[laughs evilly]
[gasps] Oh, my God.
What do I do, Honey?
- Um, I don't know, baby cakes.
- Oh, right. [chuckles]
[together]
Shame. Shame.
- Shame. Shame.
- Ugh, I get it.
- [together] Shame
- Dogs, potty time.
You know what's funny?
At my old house,
I was the rule follower.
And Chief was the lovable screwball.
[chuckling] Oh, if you know
what a vibrator is,
you're gonna love this story.
- One time, Chie
- Oh, my God.
Are you initiating
a bowel movement?
Uh, no.
Why are you making
eye contact with us?
I-I can't go without eye contact.
And what's the problem?
We're outside.
We have a privacy shrub
for a reason.
Just because you're a dog
doesn't mean
you have to act like one.
Ouch.
You guys are pretentious snobs.
And I thought I'd like that,
but guess what? I don't.
I like dogs
who aren't judgmental
and who show their owners affection.
And who make eye contact
with me while I poop.
Like Chief. I miss Chief.
And Jill.
She's patient and she lets me
lick her anywhere.
Ew.
Oh, grow up. [sighs]
I miss my old life.
[melancholic music]
♪
[wave crashes]
Gasp! Epiphany!
I've got to The Holiday
switcheroo back to my old life.
I've got to find that
golden Buddha-Dog statue.
Right after I finish.
Buddy, you mind looking me
in the eye?
Sure.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you, doll. [wink]
[dramatic music]
[grunts]
Here's a fun question.
Now that Honey is being put down,
did everyone else
get what they wanted
for The Holidays?
You're wrong, Uncle Nathan.
Honey is still alive.
And as much as I want
to hear what everyone got
for The Holidays, I'm gonna
save Honey from the vet.
I just need to eat
something I shouldn't
so Jill will take me to the vet
to get my stomach pumped.
[tree crashes,
Dumb Honey grunts]
But what? Everything in this
house has already passed
through me at least once.
Hey, who wants in
on this electric spaghetti?
- [chuckles]
- Gasp! Epipity!
[both gagging]
This is exactly why
you can't find a good man.
And not just 'cause the elevators ♪
Overflow with blood ♪
Okay, it is catchy.
[dramatic music]
Spade? That dude is, like,
obsessed with eating me.
Max! There you are.
[gasps]
Wait, Max.
Hold on. Max!
[tires squeal]
Max!
No way, Spade,
you are not gonna eat me!
- Uh-uh!
- Where the hell did he go?
Maxie?
[angelic chorus]
Move over, kid.
This pig's on the lam.
Let's just keep our hands
and hooves above the blanket.
I'm not into anything weird.
Golden Buddha statue?
Golden Buddha statue!
Where are you,
golden Buddha statue?
Max? Max!
- [gasps]
- Aah!
[tires screech]
[gasps, whimpers]
What do I do?
Guess I could make this look
like a suicide?
No, that's the old Spade.
Let's get you to the vet.
[rubble clatters]
[clanking, rattling]
Aah!
♪
Watch out!
- Aah!
- [screams]
It's okay. I'm David Spade.
You guys, I need help.
Someone hit this poor dog.
I'm pretty sure it was
Rob Schneider.
Help! My dogs have
Human-Centipeded themselves.
Can't you get anything right?
Human Centipede is mouth to tush.
I am sorry
I'm not perfect, Mom!
'Course I did it wrong.
[chuckles]
Well, I'll tell you what
you did wrong. [chuckles]
The Holidays, huh?
[both laugh]
[chimes tinkle]
[gasps] Golden Buddha-Dog.
I did it!
- Wait, did I?
- [sniffs] Honey?
Chief?
Honey? [giggles]
Is it you?
Or is that a different you
that I think is you
- but is not you?
- Oh, I've never been more glad
to have no idea
what you're talking about.
It is you.
[grunts]
I'm so sorry I ruined everything.
No, I'm sorry.
You were just trying to be you
and I didn't think I liked that.
But I do. I love that!
And I love you.
I love you, too, Honey.
I love that you're kind,
protective, smarter than me,
and that you don't want
to eat my vomit.
Because I learned something
that I think on some level,
you've known all along
it's gross.
It is, Chief. It is.
[gasps]
[head shatters]
Oh, no! What do I do?
I guess I could make this
look like a suicide.
No, that's the old Max.
And it was only
once he ran away,
that I realized
how much he meant to me.
And if I ever find that pig,
I'm telling you,
I'll never put him in my stomach.
[sniffles] Because he's
already in my heart.
- Oh, Spade!
- Max!
[both laughing, crying]
Hey, would you and your pig
like to maybe join us
for dinner tonight?
Well, I was supposed to host
a star-studded holiday bash
with the cast of "Young Sheldon,"
but sure.
[jaunty holiday music]
[laughter]
You're funny. He's funny.
You could do better.
And then
the Buddha-Dog statue granted
my magical The Holidays wish.
And suddenly there you were.
Well, I suppose there's
no other explanation.
Aw, I'm so glad
you're home safe.
Now that you're boring again,
let's celebrate The Holidays
with a nice, big, wet, sloppy nap.
[snores]
I missed this.
Oh, Honey, Honey.
Would you mind keeping it down?
- I missed you.
- I missed you more.
No, I missed you more.
- Are you almost done?
- Ish.
♪
Okay. That's enough for now.
- Happy The Holidays, Chief.
- Aw, happy The Holidays, Honey.
That's nice, Jen and Gabby.