How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Previously on How I Met Your Father
I think I've found the man that I'm
gonna spend the rest of my life with.
I'm moving to Australia.
- We're married!
- Aaah!
What?
Valentina I don't want kids.
We broke up.
I moved to New York to start over,
reconnect with my brother.
- Aaaah!
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God, my brother and I
- Okay, yeah.
Jesse and I see the world the same way.
And there's been something
between us since the day we met.
We need to break up.
What?
I love you, Sophie.
We don't even know
if this is gonna work out.
Got it.
What did Jesse do wrong other than
say everything
you ever wanted a guy to say
just faster than you expected.
Hi!
Hi.
Is this a good time?
Mom? Mom! Where are you?
If you don't come back in three seconds,
I'm going to hang up!
Three, two
Calm down! I'm right here!
God, you're, like,
obsessed with my story.
You said you'd
be right back, and then you vanished.
It felt like a year.
Wait, did you make food?
Spaghetti pomodoro, yes!
I also took a power nap.
Telling a story
of this breadth is exhausting.
Okay, back to the night
of my first gallery show.
Is this a good time?
Um
I'm back in New York.
I see that.
I saw your post about the show
and I decided to surprise you.
Surprise!
I hope me showing up like this is okay.
I mean, I have no idea what's
going on in your life right now. Like
romantically?
I considered what a hot mess
my last 48 hours were.
The forbidden kisses.
The break-ups. The hook-ups.
The sleep "I love you's."
The flame-outs. The betrayals.
The murders.
Wait, what?
I killed a rat
right before my gallery show.
It-it's not related
to my horrible love life.
It was just It was Well, it was,
you know It was weighing on me.
Anyway, I was torn.
I mean, his timing, it was terrible!
But, on the other hand,
I was getting a second shot
with the one that got away.
So, I said
There is absolutely nothing
going on with me romantically.
Great. Can I buy you a drink after this?
I'd like that.
Excuse me.
I need to steal the artist
and introduce her to reality!
- What are you doin'?
- What?
Things with Jesse just ended.
You were really sad about it,
like, five minutes ago.
Are you really ready
to go out with another guy?
I-I don't know,
but I've already watched
Ian walk out of my life once.
I'm not gonna let him
get away from me again.
And I know that came out
a little bit stalker-y,
but it doesn't matter
because you know what?
He tracked me down at my show,
so who's the stalker now? Ha!
Hey.
Hey.
So, I wanna hear
everything about your elopement!
Actually
Congrats. You're married.
Really? That's it?
You're not even gonna be like,
"Do you, Sid, take Hannah?"
Who's Sid and Hannah?
Who do you think?
Oh, my God, I'm gonna have to tell
that story for the rest of my life
- and it
- Sucks.
And every time we tell it,
everyone's mouth's gonna be like, "aww."
- Their eyes are gonna be like, "ooh."
- Mm!
Oh, it's already happening!
Look at their eyes!
Okay
Okay, it's still our wedding day.
Let's just Let's just
call all our friends to the bar
and just have the best
wedding party of all time.
And then that will become
our wedding story.
Mm-hmm.
Damn! I just got husbanded.
Hey, maybe you two can do,
like, a couple's roast.
That would be funny.
Just don't mention
my Anna Kendrick Cups phase.
We can't do a couple's roast because
we're not a couple anymore.
Wait, what?
We realized that we want
different things.
So, we're friends now.
Can you guys really just
turn it off like that? You know,
your dynamic is incredibly sexual.
You coined the phrase "Netflix and"
Th-that's all in the past.
- We are just buds now.
- Yep.
Total bros. Hug it out, bro?
Bring it in, bro.
- You're hard, bro.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
I'm here! I'm here! I'm here.
Oh, my God. I raced over
as soon as I saw your text.
Holy shit, man! You're married?! Wha
W-what about your wedding
a-and your Indian wedding?
A-and why wasn't I there?
I mean, did you have another best man?
Was he Indian? It's okay if he was.
Like
- I don't even know why I asked that.
- No.
No best man. We eloped.
- Huh? Huh? Just be happy for us, man!
- I am! I am!
Is that Ian?
Yep.
He just got back to town
and came to surprise me.
That's not a problem, is it?
Nope. Why would it be a problem?
- It wouldn't be.
- Great. So there's no problem then.
There's clearly a problem.
Somebody say what's going on.
Sophie and I decided
that us dating was a bad idea.
Oh, so just friends then.
Word of advice. Don't hug her.
Okay, I don't care who's dating
or who's just friends or who's hard.
Hannah and I get one wedding day,
and you're our best friends,
so you're all gonna come to the bar,
you're going to act normal,
and you're gonna celebrate our love,
damn it!
There's an open bar.
Hoo-hoo!
Sorry. I was trying
to seamlessly cheer my way in.
I missed the window.
Hey, you know what? About
that drink, my friends just decided
to throw a last-minute
wedding party at their bar, so
That sounds like fun! I'm in!
Okay! Everybody gets a job.
- Jesse, best man toast.
- Woo!
And may I just say that you
chose the best man for the job?
Ha ha ha!
Keep that out of my toast.
Sophie, you're taking photos.
Ooh, I don't have my camera.
Oh, really?
Does your phone not have a camera?
More snapping, less yapping.
Val, Charlie,
you're in charge of the photo montage.
Now, is that clear, or are you
gonna be a Sophie about it?
And, of course, thank you all so much
for attending our special day.
What she said. Ellen, wedding playlist.
Make sure it has the Electric Slide.
Dude, no! No, no,
everybody hates the Electric Slide.
Have you not learned your lesson?
Our first week at college,
Sid tried to start
a spontaneous slide on the quad.
- Jesse, I'm doing it.
- No.
It's electric! ♪
Let's slide, people!
Okay!
That guy became a Wesleyan legend.
They called him the Stomper.
Come on, guys. It's our wedding.
I would rather be electric-cuted.
Ice cold.
I respect it.
Why don't you go grab us
some drinks and snag us a table?
- Oh, sure. What do you Oh.
- Just surprise me.
Listen, everyone.
I don't want Ian to know
that I burned through
two different guys in the past day.
So everyone be cool and chill.
Just like me.
Cool and chill. Yeah?
Let me hear you say it. What am I?
- Cool and chill.
- Alright, now let's do me.
I am tall and curious.
I don't get it.
You two were so into each other
like a day ago. What happened?
You're great with secrets, right?
No. I'm great with sequins.
- Wow, that looks just like you.
- I know!
It only took me
12 Saturday nights to make.
- Only 12.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, now dish, fish.
Alright, but look,
let's just keep this between us, okay?
I don't wanna add any drama
to Sid and Hannah's big night.
Don't worry. Hey, I'm your sister.
- I'll keep your secret.
- Okay.
And I know my way
around a sister secret.
Great.
Okay, uh, well, anyway, last night,
I accidentally told Sophie
that I loved her in my sleep.
- What?
- Then she freaked out
and told me that I should
go on tour with Meredith.
- What?!
- So then, I got really upset
and told her to leave,
and then I called Meredith
- and invited her over.
- What?!
I know. So she showed up,
and all of a sudden, we're making out,
and I guess I kind of agreed
to go on tour with her.
What?
I'm sorry.
I couldn't go any higher, so I went low.
The whole thing is really confusing.
I mean, I was so into Sophie
Oh, who cares about
your stupid love life?
You're leaving me to go on tour?
Wait, what?
I moved across the country
to reconnect with you!
And now, you're abandoning me
to go on tour with your ex-girlfriend?
That is not gonna trigger
my adopted person
abandonment issues at all!
- Ellen, come on
- Shh!
Wow.
She really has a gift.
I've got an order for Sad?
It-it's Sid. Thank you.
Thank you for that.
- Hannah?
- Hm?
What wedding would be
complete without a cake?
Okay, now, options were limited,
but I did find a deli
that has your favorite
What the hell is this?
It's gefilte fish.
My mom serves it on Passover.
It's a traditional Jewish
ground fish loaf.
Hannah, this was supposed
to be red velvet cake!
Not this nightmare fish!
How do we have
no pictures of Hannah and Sid?
I have a strict
no earnest smiling policy.
Those two have a disease.
I'm proud of us.
For how well we're handling this breakup
and transitioning into being bros.
Yeah, me, too.
I think we're being very mature.
- Just two mature bros.
- Mm-hmm.
Like Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart.
I like being your friend.
I think you're easy to be friends with.
You, too.
And you also.
Yep.
Hey.
Why does your friend
from your photo keep
staring at us like that?
He looks like an anglerfish
who just saw a crab.
A what?
Man, that line would've killed
back on the boat.
But no, seriously, what is his deal?
Well,
ever since I took that photo of him,
he's been trying to be a model
and flaunting his looks harder than a
angelfish?
That's hilarious! That's hilarious.
Speaking of models,
I'm actually supposed to be
taking pictures of this shindig.
- You wanna grab us another round?
- Sure.
Hey, everyone! Say "Sid and Hannah!"
Yeah.
Stop staring at my date.
You're weirding out Ian.
Sorry, I'm just confused.
- I mean, he really came out of nowhere.
- Oh.
Is that confusing to you?
Is the concept of a romantic
interest from the past
suddenly reappearing into
someone's life confusing to you?
W-what's that supposed to mean?
Did Ellen say something to you?
You know what?
I can't do this right now, Jesse.
Just stop staring at my date.
I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me.
There she is!
The woman who broke my heart.
Good to see you, Soph.
I'm gonna let him ruin it for me.
Drew!
What are you doing here?
Hannah invited me.
You look great, by the way.
I love your shirt made of pogs.
Are those pogs?
Whatever they are, I love them to death.
Are you okay?
Why wouldn't I be okay?
Because you dumped me?
Or because my dad's
probably going to prison till I'm 50?
Or because I got buzzed alone
on oat milk White Russians
in my apartment earlier today,
and then just wandered
aimlessly around Midtown
until I saw a day spa advertising
a "Glow-up Teeth Whitening
and Spray Tan Special"
for $49.99 called The Orange Creamsicle,
and said to myself, "I deserve that."
Did you get a spray tan?
- It's so natural, I hadn't noticed
- Ah!
Sorry. Sorry, once in a while,
I-I get these shooting pains
from my two front teeth.
They say it happens to
one in 100 people who go to
New York Upstairs Whiten and Tan.
Guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
- I think I've got an Advil for you
- N-no.
It's all good. The receptionist
gave me a couple codeines
in exchange for a kiss.
- Hey. I'm Ian.
- What's up?
I'm Drew. This is my ex, Sophie.
Don't waste this fun energy on us, Drew!
- Go congratulate the happy couple!
- Eh, good point.
Hey, if you need me,
just, uh, follow the light.
Ooh, do I smell gefilte fish?
Hey. Look, I know you're mad at me
or whatever,
but it was really screwed up
that you went and told Sophie
our sister secret.
Also, why are we calling it that?
We're not sisters. I'm a boy.
I mean man! Damn it, I'm a man!
I didn't tell Sophie.
- You didn't?
- No!
But I always love
an exasperated white guy
screaming at me that he's a man!
So thank you for that.
How did she even make that?
So,
when exactly did you
and Drew end things?
Because it seems kind of fresh.
And that's when it happened.
Both of them were hurtling towards me
at the exact same time.
Like emotional man asteroids,
determined to blow up my spot.
So I did the only thing I could think
of to keep them from talking to me.
Uh, I think it's time for
Sid and Hannah's first dance!
If everyone could silently stay
exactly where you are right now,
and we're gonna watch them dance!
In silence!
Ellen! Hit it!
Oh, my Bluetooth won't connect.
Doesn't matter.
'Cause I'm gonna sing it live.
Sid, Hannah, what's your song?
When a Man Loves a Woman.
Oh! Wow. Great.
I'll totally sing that song that I
that I know. Okay.
When a man loves a woman ♪
Oh God
He makes love to that woman ♪
But only if she wants to ♪
But who wouldn't want to? ♪
I mean, look at that guy ♪
- What is happening?
- I don't know.
When a man loves ♪
A woman ♪
Can't keep his mind on nothing else ♪
He'd trade the world ♪
For the good thing he's found ♪
Take it away, Drew!
If she's bad he won't see it ♪
Ow! Oh!
Shooting pain. There's a shooting pain.
Okay! I am shutting this down!
Thank you.
Hey, Sophie, I really
need to talk to you.
No! I am on my way out.
- I just need to grab Ian
- Hey, quick Q. Was I supposed
to shower off with this spray tan?
'Cause I think I'm still developing
What did you mean when you said
that thing about romantic interests
- reappearing from the past?
- I didn't mean anything.
Yes, you did.
Oh, my skin smells like poison.
Here, Sophie, smell my arm.
No! Oh, you guys, just excuse me
Will you please just
tell me what you meant?!
I saw you kissing Meredith
outside of your apartment!
You kissed Meredith?
What How did you see that?
'Cause I came back.
I was coming back to
Oh.
Yeah.
One more Q.
Um
Did you and Jesse get together
in the 24 hours since you dumped me?
Yes.
Drew, yes. I'm
I'm so sorry.
I think if I wasn't
on all these painkillers,
I just might be a skosh upset.
- Hey. Is everything alright?
- No.
Ian, it's actually not.
I gotta get some air.
And yes, Drew,
you were supposed to shower it off,
and don't kiss people for codeine!
Someone's jealous.
Ooh, you went searching ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sophie, it sounds like things
have been messy for you
while I've been gone.
Yeah.
- About that
- It doesn't matter.
Things have been messy for me, too.
A whale exploded on me.
What matters is we're both here now,
and I still wanna give it a shot.
You do?
I do.
You're really going
on tour with Meredith?
I think so, yeah.
Sid, I was ready to spend
the rest of my life with her.
Those feelings didn't go away
just 'cause she said no to my proposal.
Okay, what about Sophie?
Sophie's amazing,
but she's also complicated.
The moment we got together,
she blew it all up.
All I've ever wanted
was to find love.
And I think, maybe
it was just right in front of me,
and I ran from it.
And until I figure out why I did that
I'm just gonna keep ruining things
that could be great.
Wait, so you were in love
with one of those guys?
The orange guy?
No.
The angelfish.
Or maybe she's not that complicated.
She probably just wasn't that into me.
Okay, so it's not a good time.
But as a wise woman once said to me,
maybe someday.
I'm not the kind of
girl you take home ♪
Good night, Sophie.
Good night, Ian.
If it makes you happy ♪
It can't be that bad ♪
If it makes you happy ♪
Then why the hell are you so sad? ♪
Alright, if you really wanna see
where things go with Meredith,
- I'll get my head around it.
- Thank you.
Am I supposed to find a subletter
during your tour
No, no, no, no, no.
It's just for a month.
Wait. You're only leaving for a month?
- Yeah.
- I thought it was like a year!
Oh, my God
You must have thought
I was being so dramatic!
I can't believe you're
abandoning me for a whole month! No!
Who's ready for a photo tribute
to Sid and Hannah's love!
It's a wonderful world ♪
Oh, wow. This is actually good.
Yes. This is gonna be
a good memory from our wedding.
Uh, what is this?
This appears to be a sex tape
made in your office earlier tonight
that they must have accidentally
edited it into our montage.
Or did we edit it in on purpose
as a special gift
to spice up your wedding night?
- Charlie, no!
- Yeah, no, it was actually a mistake.
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Oh, my God, is that my favorite jacket?
That is so my favorite jacket.
You guys are ruining my life!
- Turn it off!
- I'm trying
So, wait, are you two
back together again?
No. That was just a last hurrah
that we decided to commit to video
as a memento.
But, starting now, we are officially
strictly platonic friends.
- Hug it out?
- Keep that thing away from me.
- Hey Where you been?
- Hey.
Watching Ian walk out of my life again.
Yeah. Guess I'm gonna be
waiting a little longer
to find what you guys have.
Well, I hope you find a guy
who can throw you
a better wedding party than I just did.
Wait. Are you acting so crazy tonight
because you're worried about me?
Yeah. Hannah, I wanted you
to have the greatest night ever.
You know, it was my first duty
as your husband,
and I tanked it.
Okay, that's it. Everybody up!
Why?
Everybody line up!
- Oh, my God! Is this happening?
- Oh I think it is.
Yeah! We're sliding!
Let's give these two nerds
a wedding night to remember!
It's electric! ♪
Hey. I'm sorry about everything.
Yeah. Me, too.
You can't see it ♪
Well, I blew it with three guys
in 48 hours,
and now I'm doing the Electric Slide.
I think this is my rock bottom.
I was wrong.
Rock bottom wouldn't come
until later that year.
Mom, please call me back!
I think I'm dating my dad.
Oh!
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Oh God
Dude
Wait, who's that?
We'll get there soon enough.
If this is rock bottom,
it looks good on you
- 'cause my girl can slide.
- Woo!
I'll teach you the electric slide ♪
Woo!