Hyperdrive (2006) s02e01 Episode Script

Calling all frequencies.
Calling all frequencies.
Come to Britain, home of Stonehenge and the Ben Nevis escalator.
Come to Britain.
Britain, now once again including Wales.
Stop and pick up a digi-leaflet.
Or not.
Oh, come to Britain! See an actual cow.
Drive on a real British A-road.
Um All right? Oi! Look lively, cos we have got a new mission! We are inthe Green Javelins.
Ooh! That is both amazing and wonderful.
And what are the Green Javelins? The pride of Britain! The best space-o-batics team in the known universe! '.
.
Forefront of space-o-batic displays.
' Bit of a boy's thing, but well done you! How'd we get that then? Well, sadly they lost a ship with all hands.
A terrible waste of precious human life.
And so we will get their Green Javelins neck scarves! Yeah! Hey, hey, York! Hey, York, we're gonna get ourselves in the bloomin' Green Javelins.
How about some responsible enjoyment of alcohol, York? How about you and me go out and get totally responsibled, huh? York! Ooh, hello, Commander! Yes, I was just Back! Hm.
Is it another monkey's head on a kettle? Ooh, I take it you're referring to the Intellikettle.
Ah yes, an early triumph.
I Use the bucket! Look, listen.
The Green Javelins, Mr York, is a very important chance for us and to think Creation is God's work alone, all right? Let me have a look.
Not now, Commander, I'm very busy.
Now that's a table, not a biscuit! You better know what you're doing cos if I drop this, I'm gonna do it, you know.
You drop the pipe on my knee, workplace accident, big settlement and I get my pub in Thames Gateway.
Why can't you break your own leg? I've tried, I can't.
Get on with it and if I say stop, don't listen.
Just carry on.
All right.
Three, two, one No, no, no! Don't do it.
Stop! OK.
Yep.
OK Right.
No, what are you doing? No, Jeffers! No, no! It's gonna really hurt.
It's gonna snap like a stick.
Three, two, one.
NO! NO! Sorry.
Pin's gone through my tongue.
Do you want another go, cos I'm up for it now? It's getting dark in here.
Sounds so tight.
How do you, how do you get it so tight? Hey, look, we got the details.
Rendezvous point 602, report to Squadron Leader Jeremy Mason.
Um, stop it, Commander, turn it off.
We can't go.
Why not? I don't want to talk about it.
I was 17.
Jeremy was 18.
We met at a summer camp for Young Agnostics.
I see.
I thought he was arrogant.
He thought I was naive.
And overbearing.
And bordering plain.
Then something happened.
I understand.
One night he took me to the dunes.
I see.
He plucked my flower from its delicate vase.
Hmmm.
And as his maleness Then it was No, no Yuck, yuck, yuck! Sorry, Commander.
He broke my heart and I can never see him again.
And I know you won't make me.
Look, look.
Means I'm not the Commander any more.
I see.
I'm your friend.
I'm Mike.
No, I know what you're doing.
Look we had quite a tough time last year.
When we went on the run and we got caught after eight and a half minutes, and we're only in Space Force now cos you asked my Dad to have a word, yes? I'm now the Commander again, all right? This is my big comeback gig.
Look at me and I'm not letting you blow it for me, so get over him and that is an order.
And, and take that to Sandstrom.
That's another one.
Go on.
Clip clop off.
Beast! Hey! Hey! Men will blind themselves with soup spoons when they see you.
Next to you, perfection is a pock-marked harlot.
Now, it's time to see if you are ready to be me.
Name? Eduardo York.
Rank? First Officer.
Duties? Half punched a snail.
Never mind that now.
You are ready.
Go forth.
Join the crew.
Blend in.
Left, right.
Left, left, left Left Right.
Left.
Right.
Left.
Right.
More eggs.
Left.
Right Say it again, Henderson.
Say it so I know you understand.
I won't screw this up like I've screwed up everything else I've ever done.
Good! You're not there to make pretty shapes in the sky.
You're there so I can sell British ships.
My neck is on the line.
My arse is on the line.
I'm actually twisted round so my neck and my arse are both on the line at the same time, and it hurts, Henderson.
Look, Space Marshal, can I just say in my defence No.
Well, that's jolly rude.
What treatment do you require? Make me look stunning.
Stunning will cost 1,600 credits.
What can you do for 150? Quite nice? I'd like to look quite nice, please.
Insert head.
Been on holiday this year? Not really, no.
Hmm, quite nice.
Ooh, who's coming in? Do that up, yeah? You all right? Henderson! Squadron Leader! Right, listen up, you men.
From now on, you're all Javs.
You're the best of the elite of the cream.
But don't think that makes you special.
If you want to get on with me, do everything I say when I say.
But I don't like yes-men, men.
Introduce me! Officer Vine, and this is Mr Jeffers.
All right? This is Sandstrom, our enhanced Sandstrom.
Hello, prestigious man! And my First Officer, Mr York.
I'm three days old! This is McCluskey, my enhanced.
He can exchange data with yours.
Ow! She's always like that when she meets another one.
Hey, I'm not replacing you, it's all right.
Oh, for goodness sake, Henderson.
If you can't exchange data nicely you won't exchange data at all! I am so sorry.
Sandstrom! Come to heel! GROWLING Stop it! Display's on Saturday.
First rehearsal tomorrow, 6am.
Six? That's like a lie-in for me.
My goodness, a visitor.
How charming.
Chloe! Hmm.
Sorry, have we met? It's Jeremy.
Delicate Flower Jeremy.
What? Jeremy from the dune.
Sorry, it's just that I have so many loves, so many passions.
To be honest, I lead the life of an international film star.
Chloe.
I've got so much to tell you.
Oh Come to dinner on my ship tonight.
Well, I'm such an independent woman and a free spirit and survivor, I doubt very much I have time.
Let's see, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - social whirl.
So, another time, perhaps? Farewell and bon viveur.
All right, you'll like this one.
It's called the Dagenham Roll.
Three groups of three ships, converging, much like Chequers Lane, Ripple Road and Heathway converge in the Dagenham itself.
She doesn't wanna see me, Henderson.
God, how do you do it? How do you live and work in this ship and not be driven insane by her beauty? I muddle through.
Perhaps it's your background.
You weren't brought up to recognise beauty.
For your sort, love is mere animal rutting.
I almost envy you.
Here's another one.
I call it The Bar Here's another one.
I call it The Bar I can't do it! I can't be this close to Chloe and yet so far away.
You can't be in the Green Javelins, Henderson.
I'm sorry.
What? Hey! Why? Hang on.
She really likes you! She does? Yeah.
She said? Yeah.
To who? Me.
When? Earlier.
We were chatting.
Where? At the omelette bar.
You were? Yes.
What did she say? She said she wants to see you! She does? When? Yes, tonight.
Tonight? I mean, if you want I want.
.
.
I could facilitate such a meet.
You could? Yes.
Hey, leave it to The Hendo.
Oh, Henderson, thank you.
Thank you.
If there's ever anything I can do in return Dagenham Roll? No.
Where is he? Oh, good.
Commander.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Commander, we cannot stay in the Green Javelins.
I'm a balloon full of emotions in a world full of pins, frankly.
Really? Yes.
All right.
Well, look, you matter more than all this.
Oh.
We'll quit the Green Javs.
Oh, Commander.
You're such a good man.
Well, yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you? Commander? This is a shuttle craft.
Listen, there's been a bit of a change of plan, all right? You're just popping over for dinner with Jeremy.
No, no, Commander.
Listen, it's all on automatic, just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Commander, no! Absolutely not! Teal, there is a nice dress and some perfume under one of the seats.
Oh, yes! No! I will make this up to you, I promise.
Let me out, please! There are some sheathes in the Sheathes? .
.
Away medi-kit.
But you are under no pressure there.
Absolutely not! Let me off! BANGING All right, you're trying to smash the door in with an extinguisher.
Let me off now! Which is fine, I will overlook it just this once.
Listen, try and have fun.
See you in the morning! See you in the morning! Commander, why am I moving? So many sheathes! How many I can spare an hour, no more.
So many suitors.
And I hope the food's exquisite because Where were you? Well, I waited for you all day but you never came, and the locals were laughing at me and they've all got three mouths, so that's a lot of laughing.
It was the greatest mistake of my life.
Why did I run off with that other girl? She was more popular than you, she didn't correct everything I said, but why? Look, I know I can never hope to win you back.
No.
But I want to cook you the meal I would have cooked you that night.
Oh, please do.
I will.
Ah This way.
Oh.
York? Uurrhh? Teal won't mind, will she? She'll be all right? Oh, I'm going pot-holing now.
What you talking about? Ah, it's a parrot's winkle.
Whoa, yeah.
Hair.
York? BEEPING Oh, keep the change.
Oi, you all right? Hey, I'm gonna count the skeleton.
Commander? Do you notice anything the same about me? Do you not think I am exactly as I was a moment ago? Identical nose, chin matches chin? What is going on? Something wonderful.
Ooh, goodie! I haven't had giant baked-bean on toast in 15 years.
The taste of youth.
Yes.
You've had a glittering career since then.
What, these? These mean nothing to me.
This one meant nothing to me six years running.
It's been a lonely life without you, Chloe.
But surely you have your agnosticism? That helps me in hard times.
I lost my agnosticism.
Oh, but Jeremy! If you don't have the belief there may or may not be a god, what do you have? Help me find it again, Chloe.
Sing for me.
Sing one of those old agnostic hymns.
Oh, I couldn't.
I have a vague feeling inside of me A hazy spirituality It fills me halfway But not to the top Empirical reasoning Makes it stop But not quite.
What is that? Hello, sailor.
It's a replica me, created from cells shed from my own body.
Scabs, toenails, hairs, certain other emissions.
Emissions? Emissions.
When I had collected my own body weight In emissions? In emissions Then I was ready to fashion this work of genius.
Don't eat your fingers! Oh, no.
Think of the implications for ship discipline, Commander.
Soon there will be four Yorks, then ten Yorks and then a York for every single person on this ship! That is a lot of emissions, York.
Absolutely not.
It is a freak and it's going in the bin.
No disrespect to you.
That's all right, fatty.
Why would you teach it that? You can teach it anything you want.
Run to the streets, tell everyone He might have made the trees He may have made the sun Oh thank you, if you're there If you're not we shan't despair Kiss me.
Don't stop singing.
MUMBLED: # Run to the streets, tell everyone He might have made the trees He may have made the sun 'And into Chelsea Smile.
Go! 'Oh, come on, we need it tighter on the day.
' Pull up 20, reheat engine four.
You won't get much sense out of Chloe today, Henderson.
She didn't get much sleep.
Jeremy! Don't! They don't want to know what we got up to last night.
Six times.
Seven-two split, ready for crossover.
And that! Yup.
Smoke on.
ENGINES ROAR What did you do six times? Teal, no, Teal, get Teal.
Oh, you've aroused her now.
Henderson! Call that a crossover? Sorry, I've got a horny pilot.
Man pie! Ha ha ha.
Teal! Don't like it.
Think of the pub.
Serving pints on Sunday afternoon.
Yeah.
Don't do it! Oh, you are having a laugh.
Right, you little bugger, for that, both knees.
No! Jeffers! No! No! Those officers not fight like hens in a coop.
Now you know what I must do.
Show you the angry leg.
Furious.
Now we join the friend gang with names.
You are Binky, you are Mrs Binky and I am Number 17.
Now we'll do the friendship salute.
BEEPING Ploon, ploon, plume, ploon, ploon.
Oh.
Hello.
Hello there.
Let's go boating, Chloe! Ooh, you're full of surprises! Here, let me.
In you get.
Thank you.
Careful on the 'Select voyage.
'Venice, Yukon, or Lea Valley.
' Oh, Lea Valley! We said the same thing! SHE MOANS Stroke.
Yes Oi! Posho! Who are they? I don't know why they put these things in.
You gonna give her one, then? Go away! Or I'll thrash you.
Such discipline.
That's right.
This is lovely.
It'll be like this every day when you transfer to my ship.
Transfer? I have to be close to you, Chloe.
I know but I mean we're in the Green Javelins so I can pop over whenever I like.
Oh, Henderson's not staying in the Javs.
He's a hairy old ranker.
He's filling for one show.
There's a proper ship on its way, with a proper Commander.
Yes, a proper I can't leave the Commander.
I mean, I am his rock.
You have to.
You're asking me to break myself in two.
I am a woman, not a cheese straw! It cannot be.
You have shamed me.
You don't deserve to wear that visage.
I don't deserve to wear that visage.
There is an organic matter compacter on level eight.
You will climb in and recycle yourself.
I never wish to see you again.
Ploon.
Be gone! Ah.
That's sad.
Dad.
Ah.
Sad.
Ah.
Jeremy.
Tell me! Tell me you'll leave him and come to me! I can't! Right, well, you leave me no option but to drown myself! Damn these realistic simulations! Throw us a fish, mate! Delete teen problem! Get off my boat! But Jeremy.
Go! Not the brie.
Go! Oh, Jeremy.
I sad! I is really sad.
Ah.
Chloooeeeee! SNORING This is a perfect Dagenham Roll.
Welcome to 22nd Space Show of Moonbase Theta, the little moonbase with the big ideas! The Green Javelins are on their way, but first, here's the Utterly Butterly Barnstormers! Ah, it's Amorf Spets isn't it? Hmm? I'm Space Marshal Clarke.
And what are you? I'm human.
That's right.
Keira Knightley, Adolf Hitler - human.
My name Amorf Spets.
I come see if I want to buy your ships.
Yes, well, the Green Javelins use Wendover class ships.
Mr Human Man, I have question.
Go ahead.
My name Amorf Spets.
Good.
How many, how many, how many, how many chin ups can you do? I do 73.
'All ships, opening positions.
' You ready? Uh-huh.
Ready? I'm a Green Javelin, Mum.
I'm doing this for you, old girl! OK, guys, let's do this.
Show speed.
Look, and there they are! Mr Man, Mr Human Man, tell me, tell me with your human mouth.
Yes.
What is most books you read in one holiday? Three.
My name Amorf Spets.
I know.
Sorry, 94, and was only mini-break.
'Seven-two split, go.
'Ready for crossover.
' Cut left auxiliaries on my mark.
Mark! 'Chloe.
Have you changed your mind?' No.
Commander.
I think they're coming straight for us! Um.
Sandstrom, evade! Evade! Why they do that? That look very wrong.
I have no idea.
- Mr York, report? - Heavy impact damage.
Propulsion off-line.
Weapons off-line! What the hell are you doing, Mason? I've locked my crew out of the room, no-one can stop me.
If I can't have her, nobody can! Better we all die! Oh, you've not had a row, have you? They've had a row! If anyone's interested, he's coming back for us.
Goodbye, Chloe! 15 seconds to impact.
14 now.
Someone's taken shuttle three.
It's heading straight for Mason.
Shuttle three.
Identify! 'Hello.
' 'I do this for you, Eduardo Pauline York.
'Bye.
' Bye, son! THUNDEROUS EXPLOSION Chloe! CRASHING CRACK! Hmm, not bad.
We order 30.
SOFT TAPPING He tried to kill us.
Yes, he did.
Mason, did you try to kill them? No, I didn't.
That's the enquiry done.
How about a drink? Seven o'clock? Oh, how's Jane and the kids? Wonderful.
HE LAUGHS It's one of each now, isn't it? Wives? Kids.
THEY CHORTLE The Space Force Bumper Book of Grief Control tells us that at times like He wasn't like us.
He was made from Let's just say he wasn't like us.
But there was a heart in there.
KNOCKING I'm dead.
Ha ha.
That was full of more courage than any heart that has ever beated.
Has anyone seen the hand? And so as we commit his body to the void, so the void in us is filled KNOCKING .
.
with love.
We shall remember him and Britain shall remember it, him.
Hello? Room service.
Ah-Amen.
KNOCKING So would you like to hear a story? No, I wouldn't.
All right, once upon an eyelid there lived a mouse flap.
He said, "I won't shine a torch on the meat"