Idiotsitter (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

1 No matter what the judge says, I got your boobs.
I got your boobs.
- Honk.
- Honk.
Oh, stand.
Stand, stand.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Oh, we're sitting.
- Do we sit? Before I read the verdict would the defendants like to address the court? - I would, Your Honor! - That's too loud.
- Okay.
- Proceed.
- First and foremost - Volume.
I am ready and willing to receive any punishment you see fit.
You are as wise as you are a handsome woman.
- Secondly, I think it should - Loud.
be noted that I have never been involved in any criminal activity and I have made an unbreakable pact with myself that I will never do it again.
Thirdly Okay, I'd like to say something that's very lawyer-y and doesn't suck.
Sorry, Billie.
Woman judge, police male.
Lady who keeps texting, it is so rude.
It's a stenographer.
I stand before you a changed woman.
I have never had a friend like the very butch woman who's standing beside me.
And we did this all in the name of friendship.
Okay? And if that is a crime, if that is a crime well, then I would strongly recommend the death penalty for Billie, thank you very much.
- What did you just say? - It's funny! - No, it isn't.
- You know, win 'em with charm! Enough.
Wait! Your handsome Honor I would like to beg for your pardon as I have recently received a position at a small liberal arts college, with which I intend to give back to the community.
I also foster several animals.
Oh, I can tell by the look on your face, that's a lie.
Okay, Your Honor, side bar? I would also like to be pardoned because I plan on being a vel-ebrity.
Excuse me? A viral celebrity.
I just have to shoot something that goes viral and then bam.
I've already sent my resume out to YouTube, the web, Europe the world wide web - Okay - The internet, Seeso Would you defendants please return to your seats? So loud.
Okay.
- Shit.
- I'm gonna vomit.
That's my Uncle Rico! There's no way you're related to that man.
- Hi, Uncle Rico! - [JUDGE.]
I've reached a verdict.
Not guilty on all charges.
Justice! Right? Welcome back, Billie.
Get out the way, bitch! That's Professor Bitch to you.
Welcome to college, Gene.
Step aside, bitch.
Oh, it's Gene, not Mitch.
Sorry.
I was just watching you read.
That's weird.
Books.
Smells like home.
O-sexual, bisexual, try-sexual, I've been it all.
I'm looking to get vi-sexual, which is virally sexual.
Not like masturbating in chat rooms, or anything just like filming sex that goes wrong and throwing it on the 'Tube.
What's a chat room? - Good morning.
- Isn't it? Gene? Helen Hunt? Oh, my gosh! Billie, it's you! I thought for a second, and I almost said something - that you were Helen Hunt.
- You did say something.
Oh, I should have gotten this whole chance encounter on video.
Can you go back and say hashtag viral What are you doing here? I go here.
What's up? They know me.
Like one time you go here, or you No, I'm like a student.
Like, um oh here, like this.
"Books, books, books" Are you telling me that your dad got you into the college that I'm teaching at? Oh, like I need Kent Russell to get me in.
Higher on the left! Future Home of the Can't That could be a different dad.
If your dad thinks that I'm just going to take care of you he is sorely mistaken.
Gosh, you are obsessed with talking about my dad right now.
- It's weird.
- Okay, look Sh-sh-shhh there's a cake-beef walking up.
Uh, hey, excuse me.
Do you guys know where the philosophy building is? Oh, I think the gym's that way.
No, I was asking about the philosophy building.
I'm a mid-semester transfer.
Today's my first day.
Me, too! Absolutely! Um, yeah I'd love to work out later.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, he's into me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is the sorority rush? College joke.
Okay, Gene, the last time I saw you you tried to get me the death penalty.
Billie, that was a courtroom gag between old pals.
Wait, wait! Okay, okay, look.
The judge made me decide between getting a job or going back to school.
So, now I'm trying the school way.
I thought I'd go to the one you went to What are you saying? 'Cause I wanna hang out with you more.
You're mumbling.
So where should I enroll your bag? College joke.
- What are you doing? - What? - Give it to me.
- That's my winter clothes! That's my winter clothes.
Don't you make fun of me.
That's my - Catch me, if you're my friend! - No! This can't be teacher housing.
What? You live in a bar? You are so friggin' lucky.
I bet it's haunted, too.
Ugh.
You're totally gonna get murdered in the coolest way.
Shh! Excuse me? Excuse me? Hi, I'm looking for teacher housing and they gave me this address.
Is he blind? Is it Dana? Oh, uh, yeah, it's Dana's upstairs.
Hang on.
Hey, where's my [BLEEP.]
ing gum? - [BILLIE.]
Who's he talking to? - [GENE.]
I don't know.
Never mind.
Gum was in his hand.
I'm Dev, by the by.
Oh, okay.
No, thank you.
I'd love to hear your story some time, you know.
I like to know the souls that haunt this habitat.
So there is ghosts? I own the bar, but it's not mi pasion.
Hm.
Ten percent of the profits go to buy make-up for prostitutes in Calcutta.
- I'm out.
- Holy sh Tap.
Excuse me.
So Dana's up these stairs? Dana? Dana! Whoa it smells like a racquetball court, that's cool.
Aw, look at this! Aw, you have a spatula that looks like fried eggs.
Nice.
Why is there a Band-Aid on the clock? Maybe 'cause it got a boo-boo.
College ghost joke.
- Hi.
- Jesus! I'm Dana.
Dana? Uh you're a guy.
I know.
Sucks, right? I hate it.
Why didn't you say something when we were talking in your apartment? Oh, well, I'm sorry, I, uh I just didn't want to interrupt your experience.
- I love your wig.
- No, it's my hair.
Um, I'm sorry, I, uh I didn't realize teacher housing would be above a bar with a guy.
Whoa, I'm a pretty staunch feminist and a gender studies professor so I don't love the ochre of this conversation.
This is great stuff.
Stop it, stop it.
I want you to know, I respect you and that's why I got you a "welcome" t-shirt.
On your bed, that's your bed.
Oh nice of you, I guess.
- Oh.
- Mm.
"Enough.
" Mm-hm.
Every woman in my life has one.
Hey, Billie, can I keep this 'cause it looks sexy on my body? - What are you doing? - It looks right for my body.
- No, mine.
- Is this is a dashiki? Yes, it's my dashiki.
- It looks good on my physique.
- You've taken this before.
This looks sexy on my body! Stop it! Stop taking my things! I'm sorry, I think I just I need a moment to myself, please.
Right, that would be great.
- I think she's talking to you.
- Yeah.
Oh, um right well, this is a big moment.
I know you don't know, but we've been friends for a very long time, so to say goodbye We haven't seen each other in a long time - Goodbye? - Bye.
Um I guess I'll see you never.
I'll see you probably just like walking around campus real soon.
See you in heaven.
No, I don't believe in Judeo/Christian Can you pass me the lotion? Oh, sure, you've got a little variety here.
How about this? There you go.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Get your neck, yeah.
My back, ugh just you know what? I've got a method.
[BILLIE.]
Oh.
Oh.
Step one.
Step two.
- (CLOCK RADIO PLAYING MUSIC) - (SNORING) (MUSIC STOPS) - Where are my glass - (LOTION SQUISHING) Ugh, who has a bag full of lotion? Why is this so stick ugh! Where are my glasses? Gene.
(WHISTLING) Whoa, okay, so we are just doing this, huh? I thought it would be a lot harder to make this happen.
Um, let's pick my favorite ice cream.
I'll go with Strawberry, always.
What's up, Strawberry? - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Hello? - Gene? - [GENE.]
Yes.
I know you have my glasses.
Give them back to me.
Ugh, that was the worst foursome I've ever had.
Hey, Billie! Wait, who was I just talking to? Oh, that's my roommate, Hedra.
Hey, girl! How do you know G.
G.
? - Okay, Hedra? - Hm? I keep telling you, there's no second G in my name to justify that nickname, so Wait, but I called you Gene and you said "yes.
" Oh, okay, I thought you were asking me if I was Gene and that's why I answered "yes.
" - What? - Okay, Hedra? - Can you just - What? - Could you go grab a - I'll do whatever you want.
- No.
- You want something? - Just wait for a second.
- Stop for a Coke? - Can you just do me a favor? - Anything you want, right now.
Just go away.
Go away! B-R-B.
[BILLIE.]
Why? (DOOR CLOSES) So, Sally Jesse Raphael, what are we doing today? No, no, no, no.
- Phil Donahue here.
- No! You're doing the sad girl thing, where you leave something behind or you take something, so I have to come here.
And now I'm wearing my old prescription glasses that I can't see out of.
Yeah, you're totally right.
You can't see anything, because my face is right here.
That's not Your face is way bigger than that.
What? I have the smallest face! You have a huge head.
I have a totally, casually-sized head.
Big head.
All right, you know what? Fine.
Here, you want your stupid glasses? - Here's your glasses.
- Wait, no, I can't see! - Catch! - (GLASS SHATTERS) Did you just throw my glasses at me? - Mm-hm.
- You just threw my glasses! - I did and I'm so sorry.
- On the ground! Are you filming now? I'm just zooming in on the glasses.
I am n I am not here for your viral ambitions.
Okay, babe? This is my life! I am not a me-me! - Okay.
Can you just - I am not a me-me! Can you angle towards me when you're saying that? Oh, yeah, I can angle towards you! Stay out of my life! Next up, we have arguably the best artist and architect of the Renaissance Period, and my personal favorite - Giotto di Bondone.
- Hi, Billie.
Hey, Billie, it's me.
Hey.
- Although - Oh, god - some guy named Leo da Vinci - This is terrible.
- might disagree with me.
- So, let's go.
I'm gonna catch this.
Hey! Hey, guys, I'm thinking about sticking around because she's talking about the guy from Wolf of Wall Street.
- Pretty cool.
- Don't help me.
- Cool stuff.
- Don't help me.
- Um - Gilbert Grape? If you need to talk, raise your hand and if you have to go to the bathroom, that's fine.
Don't help me.
Hey, I'm Gene.
Hey, I'm Gene.
Hey, stranger.
Hedra, when did you dye your hair blonde? What? I didn't.
Hm, I don't remember you being blonde.
It's my natural hair, I was born with it.
Okay, I would love to hang, but - Cool! - No, no, there was more to that.
Um, Billie's about to come out from her class and she was really awful in it like she might want to retire or die.
Totally makes sense.
Um, so cool if we don't hang? Oh, yeah! Yeah, I'll just park it until she gets here, right? - No.
- Hey, I was thinking Love your teeth, maybe I could like make a molding of them put 'em in my mouth Oh, shoot, zoinks, those are my friends, I gotta go.
Not talk to you ever again.
Hey, pop quiz can I get a toke? College joke and rhyme.
Yeah, no thanks, teach.
I'm sorry, I thought you just said a slur to me.
Uh, what did you call me? I said I'm not gonna give grass to a teacher.
I'm not a Oh, my god Billie! No! No! I can't, Gene! Billie, somebody called me a name and it's horrible But it is what you are.
- Everybody hates me! I need a library! - Okay, G.
G.
! I did dye my hair! Move! Wow, it's beautiful slash, no one is here.
Shh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding, that's a library joke.
Why does everyone say "joke" after their I'm Wendy.
Oh, Wendy? No, Windy Oh, yeah, Tennessee whiskey.
My favorite author.
Book with booze in it.
Say, you okay or you have to be, but you didn't yet? Is that a question? You okay? Be okay.
Thank you.
You're okay.
It's very drying.
Well, somebody should've told that to my pussy.
Agh! Agh! Rock-y Horror Picture Show! Lame.
Ah yo, yo, yo, ah Eastwestern is the school that I like the best And it's not because we sit in class And take a lot of tests My girl got her B.
A.
in political science And she also is the head of the Rock-climber Alliance Woodah woodah woodah woodah woodah wah Hey I'm Gene and I'm not a teacher Fun fact about me I'm not a teacher - [DIRECTOR.]
Cut! - Yeah, I hit her head.
Is that what you're cutting? Ma'am, this is a student video.
Do you mind getting out of our shot? Sure Do you mind eating a dick? No one stayed for my class.
Look, you're a nice girl.
And if I squint, you're a nice cat.
These are normal parts of becoming a professor is growing pains, okay? But I don't even have an office.
- What? - No.
Oh, that's terrible.
You need a place to do your dirty business.
Yeah, but I just want to be great.
You know what they say, right? - What do they say? - Act the part.
Use your smarts.
Give it hearts.
There's your parts.
Or there's your starts.
I like that.
I like that.
Thank you.
To Windy! - I'm gonna go throw up! - Oh, okay.
Biggest viral videos.
[HEDRA.]
What's the result? God, I thought you were asleep.
Military man surprises wife.
Puppy walks again.
Oh, my gosh - I can't sleep.
- Agh! (PEEING) Are you peeing? Good morning, class! I've decided something pretty cool.
Professor Brown is out, I'm Billie.
Come on, guys, three of you? - Action? - Action.
- Do I look cool? - So much.
Thanks.
Yo, webbers! I'm a normal student, hashtag Gene and I'm surprising my teacher with the gift of eye sight.
Bitch's never had vision, y'all, check it out! Hedra, come! Coming! Menstrual huts, then and now.
Hey, congrats, teach! You finally get to see what the world looks like! Billie! I got you the strongest subscription I could buy! - What the - Congratulations.
- What? - Hashtag good deed.
I can't see.
Gene, give me back my glasses! - Okay.
- Where are my glasses? Oops! Soups! Soups! Soups! Soups! - Oops, oops, soups - Is she saying oops or soups? Oops, soups, soups, oops, soups, soups.
- Oh my gosh, oh, that's it.
- Oh, soups, oops, oops My Mr.
Holland's Opus.
- Find my center! - [GENE.]
I'm brilliant.
Oh, my interior candle.
I'm really sorry.
It was supposed to be like a good deed video.
You can still perform a good deed and stay out of my life.
I wish you really were Helen Hunt.
I wish you were Paul Reiser.
I don't want to be Paul Reiser.
I want to be Mabel, the baby.
Get out of here.
Get lost, tootsie pop! Out of my way, bitch! Bye-bye.
No one has backpacks anymore! (ALL LAUGHING) BILLIE (OVER PHONE) Soup! - Morning, class.
- Morning! What What's going on? What are you all doing here? Soup! Say soup, soup! Soup, soup, soup, soup, soup! (REPEATING) Okay, okay, oh, okay.
- I'm Dev, by the way.
- No! - Hey.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
I'm genuinely sorry.
Um, I wanted to get famous in the way that Justin Bieber did.
But I didn't know what it would cost.
Well, Belieb' it or not, but thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah.
Wait, for what? Uh, I am the "soup lady" now.
So everyone came to my class and they stayed.
That's great, Bill! - Yeah, it's okay.
- That's amazing.
Wait, so that mean we're friends? - I got your boobs.
- I got your boobs.
I got your boobs.
- Your nipples.
- Hey.
I know one of you.
- Oh, me.
- Not me.
Yeah! I got a surprise for you.
Oh, it's not glasses, is it? - Stop guessing, you asshole.
- Hey.
- Follow me.
- Whoa.
Open sesame! Oh my gosh! Your very own office! How long have you known this person? - I just met her.
- Mm-hm.
I think I did it in a night.
You are pretty lucky, Billie.
You got some good friends.
Yeah, I guess I, uh I guess I kinda do.
She Is she masturbating on the edge of the desk? What? - Staring straight at me.
- Yeah.
- [BILLIE.]
Take a train! - [GENE.]
Train!