Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s02e01 Episode Script
Held von Kosmos
IJON TICHY - SPACE PILO
The Star Diaries
Freely produced by themes from the novel
"Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem
Flying my rocket on Saturday,
September 23rd
near the Milky Way
I was finally leading
the life a cosmic hero
deserved.
Look at the floor,
it's a mess.
I could concentrate
on important things
'cause I'd finally gotten my holographic
invention to work perfectly.
Well, almost
Hey, what're you doing?
Keep your eyes on the road!
I have a growling belly.
Time for a yummy omelet!
Holy Crap!
I told you to tidy up!
You said to navigate and pay attention!
- That's the problem:
I always have to tell you
what to do.
I invented you to clean up
this rocket. So start cleaning!
How dare you!
Mr. Tichy, I'd appreciate
more respect.
I'm only human, after all.
Human?
You're joking. I'm the human.
And the hero. You're just
a holograph, got that?
So clean up this mess,
or I'll blow up your fuses!
Hey, all our provisions are gone!
So what?
Why didn't you take care of this?
What are we gonna eat?
Mr. Tichy, that's not my problem.
I'm just the hologram.
You're the human here.
- What?
Yuck, a little out-of-date
I had a brochure for
the Egg Planet somewhere
Every thing has its proper place.
This holograph is useless.
Remember that?
I have to do it all.
There's only one person
in the cosmos
I can count on:
Myself: Ijon Tichy!
HERO OF THE COSMOS
After a long flight, when I finally
reached the address of the Egg Planet
there was nothing there!
A big fat planet couldn't
just disappear like that?
Maybe I took a wrong turn?
My growled-up belly.
I need to eat.
Oh well, on the outside,
nice and fresh!
What's this?
An unsolved problem. Let's look it up
in the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
The Cosmic Encyclopedia had
the answer to every problem.
What are you doing? I'm the boss,
it's my book collection. I'll look it up.
Didn't you just say I should
be more independent?
But not like this!
That's not the plan.
It said this munching hole
was a cosmic emergency.
And to immediately go to
Professor Tarantoga for help.
My chair!
Find the address! This crap hole
is dangerous! It ate my chair!
I did that while you
were loafing around.
It's a cosmic emergency
after all. There's no time to lose.
Ok, then fly faster!
I said - fly faster, you!
We're there!
- What?
It's just around the corner.
It was the address
of the Institute of the
Cosmic Encyclopedia
where they stored
all the info on the cosmos.
Welcome to the Institute
of the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
Please fill out form 44F
yellow to 77Y purple.
Then you will be covered
for cosmic development
and your data entered
into the primeval soup.
Silly crap! I'm Ijon Tichy.
This is an emergency!
Upon entry we require your data
on the primeval soup!
Oh, too pretty hologram.
Paper jam!
To fill out forms and boring paperwork
use her.
Welcome to the Institute of the Cosmic
Encyclopedia.
We need your personal data
and wishes for the new cosmic
development through the primeval soup.
Primeval soup? What's that?
It was hard to find my way
around this place.
I was going in circles.
But suddenly there I was.
At the professor's door!
Hello?
I've often heard of stuck-up space pilots,
but your guy seems even worse.
I'm sure we can help you out
with the big bang.
Hello?
I just found a munching hole in the
universe. Is this the right address?
Yes, it's right.
- Is that the guy?
The cosmos is being destroyed!
That's just my holographic
servant appliance.
Analogue Hallucinette.
I made her all by myself.
I know, she told me about you
- I'm Ijon Tichy.
The clumsy crash pilot!
- Cosmic Hero.
Cosmic Hero? But the cosmos
is being destroyed!
What?
The cosmos is being wiped out?
The universe is being destroyed.
But I'm working on a solution!
No.
Professor!
I have a clue.
A clue to my heritage,
my home planet.
I told you to stay away
till I'm done here.
I give my assistant Mel
simple research tasks
Mel! The void has re-emerged!
What now? Is it dangerous?
You can say that again,
we're all gonna die.
The universe is being destroyed.
What?
The universe
It began with a big bang.
That created everything!
But the question is:
What came before the big bang?
Nothingness!
And now the void
is dissolving our universe!
Because it doesn't like it anymore
or it saw something ugly out there.
All we can do now is: Die.
Or come up with our own big bang.
That's why we need
the primeval soup
and a cosmo-gigantic cannon!
We'll place this target
in front of the void
and fire the cosmo-gigantic cannon
with the new primeval soup
into the void.
Creating a new big bang
and a new evolution.
And the universe is ours again. That's
how we conquer the void. Simple, isn't it!
I've prepared the new primeval soup.
Looks like a stew my granny made.
Nonsense!
I've been cooking this soup for years
in case the void returned.
I season it every now and then.
Are you crazy, you fool!
Just one taste is enough to extinguish
entire future civilizations!
Or even entire planets!
- But it smells so good!
Only when the primeval soup
is done correctly
can the universe re-emerge
exactly as it was.
We have to shoot the primeval soup
into the void
setting off a big bang
to recreate our universe.
Due to all the information
in the primeval soup
it should be an exact copy
of this universe.
I'm going to load the primeval soup into
the cosmo-gigantic cannon and fire it.
Your job is to place the target
right in front of the void.
Cannon, huh? A bit teensy-weensy
for the great professor.
Fiddlesticks! This is my apple peeler!
That is the cosmo-gigantic cannon!
He had a long one!
Well, if that's what it took
to save my world, then ok.
Here are the latest calculations
for the primeval soup, Professor.
She did them.
Too pretty hologram,
self destruction initiated!
Like I said: Place the target
directly over the void
so that I can get a good shot from here.
We can only do this once,
and can't afford to miss.
That's your role
in saving the universe!
I know every corner
of the universe, I'm the hero!
I'll save the universe, got that?
Ok, wise guy.
Mel! Stop pestering him.
- You really know every corner?
I mean, every corner of the universe?
If you want to play the hero,
Mr
Tichy.
- Whatever.
Ijon Tichy!
You should hurry up!
Way to go! My order
to speed it up.
What a goofball!
"COSMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA"
What was I thinking, I forgot
to put myself into the soup.
I'm in! I'm in!
I'm fed up with you showing off.
In my universe I lay down the law:
I'm the hero,
you're the holograph. Got that?
But I'm sick of living in your
narrow-minded world.
And your so-called "unbendable" rules
are a joke you won't be laughing at soon.
I'm going to load the cannon,
so don't mess around with the target!
What did Professor Tarantoga say?
The void is dissolving the cosmos
'cause it doesn't like it any more?
Well Mr. Tichy, if I were the void
and saw your underwear out there
I'd want to end the world too.
What? Silly crap!
The void must have gotten
into your empty head!
Careful!
Oh great!
GRANNY'S PEA SOUP
Tarantoga's
primeval soup.
I'd better take over now.
This involves the creation of my
the universe.
- What?
Stop it! Give me that!
- No!
Hurry up
Mel? Mel?
Let go! Enough now!
Hand it over!
Ok, then you do it.
But be very careful!
Nah, I won't do it.
You can't tell me
what I have to do.
My cosmic cannon is ready.
Where's that damn target?
I'll save the universe
when I feel like it!
You were so eager a moment ago.
- But not now. Maybe later.
What?
Look at that?
The whole primeval soup-mess
is in our kitchen!
Now I know what to do.
You're gonna clean it up.
Mr. Tichy?
Inside the weird bubble
I saw a parallel universe!
An exact copy of the universe
the way it should come out
of the primeval soup!
A yummy omelet
I told you to stay in your closet
at meals, huh?
What's going on here?
I'm fed up with you showing off.
Get back in that closet now!
In my universe
I lay down the law:
I'm the hero and you're
the holograph! Got that?
This parallel universe was made up of
the information from the colorful forms
and was full of mistakes!
Just you wait
Mama!
Make that ugly holograph go away!
I can't eat with that thing
in the kitchen!
Now it's gone.
Let's eat the yummy food!
You'll pay for this,
you manipulative machine!
I saw through your plan.
It didn't work on me.
Did I aim right?
Where did the shot go?
You old couch-potato fart!
You missed!
Thanks only to me, Ijon Tichy
the void-hole and that awful
parallel universe were destroyed.
I saved the world! But the Egg Planet
still wasn't in its place.
A new universe?
Very nice! It worked.
I've saved the universe!
What did you just say? You saved
the universe? You're joking!
I did all the work, but the
Egg Planet is still missing.
Egg Planet?
You're flying in the wrong direction, you
fool. It's at the other end of the galaxy!
So, the void and the parallel universe
destroyed each other.
This created a mixture
of the two universes.
The old and the new.
This here is the mixture!
What did you say?
A mish-mashed cosmos?
Yes, mixed up, you twit!
You have no idea about anything.
Now I was starting to panic!
The new universe was meshed with the
universe manipulated by the Hallucinette.
I feared the worst.
Mr. Tichy, would you mind getting
our little one out of the closet?
Our little one goes better with
the curtains, don't you think?
Yeah, that's great!
And now we're going to have
a little equal rights, ok?
Go and have a nap
while I take care of everything.
That's so nice of you.
Equal rights. More respect!
Thank you, I'll go take that nap.
When I saw the brochure
of the Egg Planet
I realized the professor was right.
I was completely off course. The Egg
Planet was at a totally different address.
So I had to bear and grin it!
Because of fresh omelet eggs
I now had to fly to the other end
of the universe.
People later said that
I made the whole thing up.
Nasty people said that I secretly drank
too much alcohol on earth
But lost all inhibitions
on long space voyages.
God knows how
this rumor got started.
People are like that.
They'd rather believe a bunch of
silly crap than perfectly good facts.
The Star Diaries
Freely produced by themes from the novel
"Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem
Flying my rocket on Saturday,
September 23rd
near the Milky Way
I was finally leading
the life a cosmic hero
deserved.
Look at the floor,
it's a mess.
I could concentrate
on important things
'cause I'd finally gotten my holographic
invention to work perfectly.
Well, almost
Hey, what're you doing?
Keep your eyes on the road!
I have a growling belly.
Time for a yummy omelet!
Holy Crap!
I told you to tidy up!
You said to navigate and pay attention!
- That's the problem:
I always have to tell you
what to do.
I invented you to clean up
this rocket. So start cleaning!
How dare you!
Mr. Tichy, I'd appreciate
more respect.
I'm only human, after all.
Human?
You're joking. I'm the human.
And the hero. You're just
a holograph, got that?
So clean up this mess,
or I'll blow up your fuses!
Hey, all our provisions are gone!
So what?
Why didn't you take care of this?
What are we gonna eat?
Mr. Tichy, that's not my problem.
I'm just the hologram.
You're the human here.
- What?
Yuck, a little out-of-date
I had a brochure for
the Egg Planet somewhere
Every thing has its proper place.
This holograph is useless.
Remember that?
I have to do it all.
There's only one person
in the cosmos
I can count on:
Myself: Ijon Tichy!
HERO OF THE COSMOS
After a long flight, when I finally
reached the address of the Egg Planet
there was nothing there!
A big fat planet couldn't
just disappear like that?
Maybe I took a wrong turn?
My growled-up belly.
I need to eat.
Oh well, on the outside,
nice and fresh!
What's this?
An unsolved problem. Let's look it up
in the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
The Cosmic Encyclopedia had
the answer to every problem.
What are you doing? I'm the boss,
it's my book collection. I'll look it up.
Didn't you just say I should
be more independent?
But not like this!
That's not the plan.
It said this munching hole
was a cosmic emergency.
And to immediately go to
Professor Tarantoga for help.
My chair!
Find the address! This crap hole
is dangerous! It ate my chair!
I did that while you
were loafing around.
It's a cosmic emergency
after all. There's no time to lose.
Ok, then fly faster!
I said - fly faster, you!
We're there!
- What?
It's just around the corner.
It was the address
of the Institute of the
Cosmic Encyclopedia
where they stored
all the info on the cosmos.
Welcome to the Institute
of the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
Please fill out form 44F
yellow to 77Y purple.
Then you will be covered
for cosmic development
and your data entered
into the primeval soup.
Silly crap! I'm Ijon Tichy.
This is an emergency!
Upon entry we require your data
on the primeval soup!
Oh, too pretty hologram.
Paper jam!
To fill out forms and boring paperwork
use her.
Welcome to the Institute of the Cosmic
Encyclopedia.
We need your personal data
and wishes for the new cosmic
development through the primeval soup.
Primeval soup? What's that?
It was hard to find my way
around this place.
I was going in circles.
But suddenly there I was.
At the professor's door!
Hello?
I've often heard of stuck-up space pilots,
but your guy seems even worse.
I'm sure we can help you out
with the big bang.
Hello?
I just found a munching hole in the
universe. Is this the right address?
Yes, it's right.
- Is that the guy?
The cosmos is being destroyed!
That's just my holographic
servant appliance.
Analogue Hallucinette.
I made her all by myself.
I know, she told me about you
- I'm Ijon Tichy.
The clumsy crash pilot!
- Cosmic Hero.
Cosmic Hero? But the cosmos
is being destroyed!
What?
The cosmos is being wiped out?
The universe is being destroyed.
But I'm working on a solution!
No.
Professor!
I have a clue.
A clue to my heritage,
my home planet.
I told you to stay away
till I'm done here.
I give my assistant Mel
simple research tasks
Mel! The void has re-emerged!
What now? Is it dangerous?
You can say that again,
we're all gonna die.
The universe is being destroyed.
What?
The universe
It began with a big bang.
That created everything!
But the question is:
What came before the big bang?
Nothingness!
And now the void
is dissolving our universe!
Because it doesn't like it anymore
or it saw something ugly out there.
All we can do now is: Die.
Or come up with our own big bang.
That's why we need
the primeval soup
and a cosmo-gigantic cannon!
We'll place this target
in front of the void
and fire the cosmo-gigantic cannon
with the new primeval soup
into the void.
Creating a new big bang
and a new evolution.
And the universe is ours again. That's
how we conquer the void. Simple, isn't it!
I've prepared the new primeval soup.
Looks like a stew my granny made.
Nonsense!
I've been cooking this soup for years
in case the void returned.
I season it every now and then.
Are you crazy, you fool!
Just one taste is enough to extinguish
entire future civilizations!
Or even entire planets!
- But it smells so good!
Only when the primeval soup
is done correctly
can the universe re-emerge
exactly as it was.
We have to shoot the primeval soup
into the void
setting off a big bang
to recreate our universe.
Due to all the information
in the primeval soup
it should be an exact copy
of this universe.
I'm going to load the primeval soup into
the cosmo-gigantic cannon and fire it.
Your job is to place the target
right in front of the void.
Cannon, huh? A bit teensy-weensy
for the great professor.
Fiddlesticks! This is my apple peeler!
That is the cosmo-gigantic cannon!
He had a long one!
Well, if that's what it took
to save my world, then ok.
Here are the latest calculations
for the primeval soup, Professor.
She did them.
Too pretty hologram,
self destruction initiated!
Like I said: Place the target
directly over the void
so that I can get a good shot from here.
We can only do this once,
and can't afford to miss.
That's your role
in saving the universe!
I know every corner
of the universe, I'm the hero!
I'll save the universe, got that?
Ok, wise guy.
Mel! Stop pestering him.
- You really know every corner?
I mean, every corner of the universe?
If you want to play the hero,
Mr
Tichy.
- Whatever.
Ijon Tichy!
You should hurry up!
Way to go! My order
to speed it up.
What a goofball!
"COSMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA"
What was I thinking, I forgot
to put myself into the soup.
I'm in! I'm in!
I'm fed up with you showing off.
In my universe I lay down the law:
I'm the hero,
you're the holograph. Got that?
But I'm sick of living in your
narrow-minded world.
And your so-called "unbendable" rules
are a joke you won't be laughing at soon.
I'm going to load the cannon,
so don't mess around with the target!
What did Professor Tarantoga say?
The void is dissolving the cosmos
'cause it doesn't like it any more?
Well Mr. Tichy, if I were the void
and saw your underwear out there
I'd want to end the world too.
What? Silly crap!
The void must have gotten
into your empty head!
Careful!
Oh great!
GRANNY'S PEA SOUP
Tarantoga's
primeval soup.
I'd better take over now.
This involves the creation of my
the universe.
- What?
Stop it! Give me that!
- No!
Hurry up
Mel? Mel?
Let go! Enough now!
Hand it over!
Ok, then you do it.
But be very careful!
Nah, I won't do it.
You can't tell me
what I have to do.
My cosmic cannon is ready.
Where's that damn target?
I'll save the universe
when I feel like it!
You were so eager a moment ago.
- But not now. Maybe later.
What?
Look at that?
The whole primeval soup-mess
is in our kitchen!
Now I know what to do.
You're gonna clean it up.
Mr. Tichy?
Inside the weird bubble
I saw a parallel universe!
An exact copy of the universe
the way it should come out
of the primeval soup!
A yummy omelet
I told you to stay in your closet
at meals, huh?
What's going on here?
I'm fed up with you showing off.
Get back in that closet now!
In my universe
I lay down the law:
I'm the hero and you're
the holograph! Got that?
This parallel universe was made up of
the information from the colorful forms
and was full of mistakes!
Just you wait
Mama!
Make that ugly holograph go away!
I can't eat with that thing
in the kitchen!
Now it's gone.
Let's eat the yummy food!
You'll pay for this,
you manipulative machine!
I saw through your plan.
It didn't work on me.
Did I aim right?
Where did the shot go?
You old couch-potato fart!
You missed!
Thanks only to me, Ijon Tichy
the void-hole and that awful
parallel universe were destroyed.
I saved the world! But the Egg Planet
still wasn't in its place.
A new universe?
Very nice! It worked.
I've saved the universe!
What did you just say? You saved
the universe? You're joking!
I did all the work, but the
Egg Planet is still missing.
Egg Planet?
You're flying in the wrong direction, you
fool. It's at the other end of the galaxy!
So, the void and the parallel universe
destroyed each other.
This created a mixture
of the two universes.
The old and the new.
This here is the mixture!
What did you say?
A mish-mashed cosmos?
Yes, mixed up, you twit!
You have no idea about anything.
Now I was starting to panic!
The new universe was meshed with the
universe manipulated by the Hallucinette.
I feared the worst.
Mr. Tichy, would you mind getting
our little one out of the closet?
Our little one goes better with
the curtains, don't you think?
Yeah, that's great!
And now we're going to have
a little equal rights, ok?
Go and have a nap
while I take care of everything.
That's so nice of you.
Equal rights. More respect!
Thank you, I'll go take that nap.
When I saw the brochure
of the Egg Planet
I realized the professor was right.
I was completely off course. The Egg
Planet was at a totally different address.
So I had to bear and grin it!
Because of fresh omelet eggs
I now had to fly to the other end
of the universe.
People later said that
I made the whole thing up.
Nasty people said that I secretly drank
too much alcohol on earth
But lost all inhibitions
on long space voyages.
God knows how
this rumor got started.
People are like that.
They'd rather believe a bunch of
silly crap than perfectly good facts.