I'm Dying Up Here (2017) s02e01 Episode Script
Gone with the Wind
1 [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[CAR ENGINE REVVING.]
[AMANDA.]
Stop the fucking car.
Stop the car.
Please stop [GOLDIE.]
I'm not stopping.
This is all about you.
[AMANDA.]
Please, just stop the car.
[GOLDIE.]
Just settle down.
Get your hands off the wheel for Christ's sake! - Just stop the car! - Nobody's stopping anything.
Turn the car around! I don't wanna do this, but it's what you need.
What are you doing? Get back here.
Get back here! Get back Stop the fucking car.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GOLDIE.]
God damn it.
Jesus, look what you're doing! Stop it! Let me out! - Settle down! - Let me the fuck out! - Settle down.
- Let me out of the car! [AMANDA.]
Let me out of this car! Let me out! Let me the fuck out! - [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [GOLDIE.]
Damn it to hell.
Christ! Ugh, damn it! Whoa, whoa, hey, take it easy.
- [AMANDA.]
Oh, God! - [MAN.]
Come on.
[AMANDA.]
Get off me, please! - Hey, hey, hey! - Let me go! Hey, be careful.
You're hurting her.
Stop it! I hate you! I fucking hate you! [AMANDA.]
I hate you, Mom! I fucking hate you! I hate you too, baby.
Jazzy percussion [WOMAN.]
The neighbors say you were spraying down the kids in the front yard.
Your cue's coming up.
You better get out there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
[MAN.]
Water is water.
The kids had fun.
- And I made four dollars.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Thirty seconds.
[MAN.]
is two dollars apiece.
[WOMAN.]
You make me want to pull my damn hair out.
[MAN.]
Well, if you do, I got four dollars to put towards your new wig.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Smooth rock music [WOMAN.]
until there's an actual pool.
[MAN.]
Oh, I see what this is about.
- [MAN.]
Last looks.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CONVERSATION ON STAGE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[MAN.]
And cue Benny.
Hey-ohh! - It's Benny Time.
- [WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
[MORRIS.]
Ronald, it's your Fairy Godmother.
- [RON.]
Hey, Morris.
- [MORRIS.]
The network called.
Looks like they finally figured out who the breakout star of the show is.
They want to make you a regular.
A regular? Are you shitting me? [MORRIS.]
Wanna know what I told them? I mean, I think I know what you told them.
I told them to go fuck themselves.
Yeah, that's not it.
Then I hung up on them.
You know I live in a closet, right? [MORRIS.]
They called back with an offer.
It's $20,000 an episode for 20 episodes.
You do the math.
I'm, uh is that, like, 40 Or, no, no, like 140 I'll do the math.
It's 400,000 simoleons, Ronald.
You're rich, you loveable cocksucker.
- Holy shit.
- What did I tell you? You work hard, you hone your craft, you pay your dues, good things will happen.
Yeah, I didn't do any of those things.
[MORRIS.]
That's not the point.
The point is, who gives a shit, Ronald? You're rich! Come on down later, sign the papers.
Remember, we don't validate after five.
[HANGS UP, DIAL TONE.]
[SETS PHONE IN CRADLE, RINGER DINGS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Smooth rock music You think you could try to not bomb onstage? - [LAUGHS.]
- Is it gonna be hard? I bring what I bring.
If they like it, they like it.
If they don't, they don't.
[CHUCKLES.]
This guy hasn't written a joke since I met him.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's remarkable.
You'd think after all this time Things been turning out okay [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUSE.]
[RALPH.]
And can you believe another racist depiction, reinforcing the stereotype that all black people are lazy.
Now, I would have changed the channel, but the TV was all the way across the room, so In my defense, my recliner was set all the way back to righteous indignation mode.
[LAUGHTER.]
So I am a revolutionary doing my part.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, let's bring up the next comic.
Come on, fuckhead, where are you? [KATIE.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
[RALPH.]
toured all over this fair nation.
Direct from Los Angeles, California [BOTH LAUGH.]
A very funny man, mister [NICK.]
Bill Hobbs! - [WOMAN.]
Yeah.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
Motherfucker.
[LAUGHTER.]
- [GROANING.]
- [KATIE.]
Yeah.
You sure about that, Nick? - Bill Fucking Hobbs! - Bill Fucking Hobbs! [LAUGHTER.]
You heard the man.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Fucking Hobbs.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RALPH LAUGHS.]
The "Fucking" is on his mama's side.
[APPLAUSE.]
Come on, Big Red.
- [MAN.]
Yeah! - I'm gonna kill him.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, how you doing? - [MAN.]
All right.
- [SCATTERED CHEERS.]
I was supposed to be on a little bit later, seeing as I'm the headliner and all.
But apparently Nick Beverly is busy tipping a waitress.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
I say why stop at the tip? Give her the whole thing, Nick.
- [CHEERING.]
- [MAN.]
Yeah! [BILL.]
Speaking of small dicks - You're funny.
- Mm.
Is that what all that laughing is about? [LAUGHS.]
I'm Carla.
And this is my bestest friend, Louise.
Ralph Carnegie at your service, ladies.
Ralph Carnegie.
Are you always so funny? 24/7, baby.
24/7.
[GIGGLES.]
[MOANING.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
[MOANING INTENSIFIES.]
Oh, my [MOANING.]
[SIGHS, BREATHING HEAVILY.]
How was that with the tension? Better.
Mm.
You're gonna be great today.
Thank you.
Wait, are you okay? Me? Your face.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Now you look kinda tense.
[MOANS SOFTLY.]
Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba Ba-ba, baa I love how you know right where I hold all my tension.
[KENNY.]
And Kenny in the AM is back with funny lady Cassie Feder, who is making her television debut.
- Isn't that right, Cass? - That's right, Kenny.
It's a comedy special called Girls Are Funny Too.
This Saturday at nine on CBS.
Girls Are Funny Too.
Two questions.
One, are they? And if so, why do I have to ask? Oh, well, Kenny, we have a great sense of humor.
If you don't believe me, you can just ask any of the women you've slept with.
Bam biscuit! Couldn't be more wrong.
No, no.
Kenny is all business in the sack.
There is no laughing going on there, little lady.
Well, apparently we're not only funny, but we know how to keep a straight face for 90 seconds.
Face mask.
That one is gonna leave a mark.
All right, everybody, Cassie Feder, Girls Are Funny Too, Saturday, 9 p.
m.
on the Tiffany Network.
[GASPS.]
Be there.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
That was a little mean.
Thank you.
Sitting in a churchyard, waiting for her ride Buckwheat, Stymie, which one of you can pull off a 42 regular? Well I spoke to God Fucking hilarious.
Funniest album since Pryor's That Nigger's Crazy.
His title, not mine.
I hate that word.
Now the bad news is, you fucked yourself.
You signed a shitty contract with Ha-Ha Records.
Known scam artists.
The good news is your days of getting fucked are over, because here at CMA, we do all the fucking.
[SCATTERED CHUCKLES.]
All right, so does that mean all of you get ten percent? Now I only ask because you just said y'all are the ones that do all the fucking.
No, it's just your one agent.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, in that case, let's use him.
Say what? You got it, Chief.
Yeah.
Right on.
[BIRDS CAW, INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE RUMBLES.]
- Let's go.
- What the fuck, man? - Get up.
- I'm entertaining.
I don't care.
We gotta be in Tempe in five hours, let's go.
[SIGHS.]
What's the big deal? We got plenty of time.
The big deal is, where the fuck is Nick? He didn't come home last night.
And you know what? I'm so tired of babysitting this guy, and you too.
It's the same thing.
You know, he's probably out somewhere sniffing coke out of some hooker's butthole, and I'm here playing dad, and I'm tired of it, you know? I'm funnier than both you losers.
What are you doing? [NICK.]
Let's go! Hey! We should go! Guys! Yeah, we should go! Let's hit it, yep.
It was worth it, but I'll explain in the car, let's go.
- I'll get the bags.
- Yeah.
Cheerful music [RON.]
Hello.
Yeah.
It's not a family car.
- Ahh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Whoa! How 'bout this? That's rock.
They shouldn't have.
Must be from the Realtor.
- [CORK POPS.]
- Ohh! Shit.
Ron, you know you got a tree growing in your living room? Yeah, I told you, it's a nice house.
Come on.
- [ADAM.]
Ohh.
- [RON.]
Here.
So they come with the house? [CHUCKLES.]
You see them too? Five bathrooms.
Now this.
Welcome to Casa De Ron, boys.
[BOTH.]
Mm.
Is that an erection? I find it insulting you have to ask.
A real gentleman would just tip his hat.
- Edgar! - Yeah? Someone dragged in dog shit by the ticket booth.
Don't even bother with the broom.
It's definitely a hands-and-knees operation.
You gotta be kidding me, man.
I-I gotta go up in an hour.
I can't smell like dog shit.
Hey, I'm not the one who told you to stop dealing drugs.
You wanted to be an honest man with an honest job.
Now you gotta suffer the consequences.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- It's always a thing.
Like, white folk, why do you roll up your windows when you drive through our neighborhoods? No, I'm serious.
The window can be cracked a goddamn half inch, and you'll roll that motherfucker up, like it is no tomorrow.
Hey, what do you what do you think, we-we sit and we look at a half an inch.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, I could fit through that.
Come on, come on.
Seriously, there's no part of a black man that can fit in a half inch of anything.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
All right, be nice.
Besides, why the fuck is glass a thing that you think is gonna stop us? Have you not seen [INDISTINCT.]
? Brothers ain't concerned about no damn glass.
Is it a soup yet? Huh? - Oh, yeah, it's soup.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Empty your fucking ashtray! - [LAUGHTER.]
- What? - Some big dude out front looking for you from Vegas.
- Whatever.
- Taff or something.
Oh, shit.
Send him up to the office.
No way.
The front page, huh? You knocked a local decorated World War I hero's obituary all the way back to page ten.
[CASSIE.]
Hey, he got his 15 minutes, right? This show's a big deal, Cass.
We're so proud.
You're the talk of Wink.
Well, it's not the first time.
Well, let's just hope that you don't steal Denise's thunder.
We'll never hear the end of it.
Hey, are Jesse and the girls still up? Oh, out like a light.
I, uh You'll see them soon enough.
Wait until you see Jesse in his little ring bearer outfit.
Oh, he is gonna be a heartbreaker, that one.
We all can't wait to see you, Cass.
It's been too long.
Yeah.
[TAFFY.]
You'd still run day-to-day.
Name would still be up in lights.
You'd just be two mil heavier.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, it's definitely a generous offer, Taffy.
But why would I sell now just when things are getting interesting? Pick a reason.
We live in troubled times.
You're not getting any younger, and we're giving you 20 times more than what you paid for the joint.
[SIGHS.]
What's your kid's name again? What's your point? I took my kid to Alaska.
We saw a fucking grizzly bear.
It was fucking life-changing.
Vegas has been down this road with LA before.
And that's why there's a Vegas.
Yeah, but now we're good little boys and girls.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Have you ever learned an easy lesson in your life, Gold? If life ain't hard, you ain't doing it right.
[SIGHS.]
Gentle piano music I'm gonna be around for a few days.
Be around town messing around.
If you need to get a hold of me, let's talk.
Anybody interesting? Your old pal, Roy Martin.
Roy? What's he doing out of Vegas? - Carson.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Seriously, think about what I told you.
Trust me.
Vegas, we make fucking terrible neighbors.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
[BILL.]
Looks like my mom taking a shit while getting banged by a tiny angel.
That's specific.
I can't look at it anymore.
It's making me homesick.
What do you see? Urine.
Rusty water, tears.
Broken dreams.
Whatever's leaking out of a body laying on a motel room floor dead and undiscovered for a week.
That makes sense.
I see two stupid motherfuckers - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- who won't let another motherfucker sleep.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, God.
[SIGHS.]
Nick, when they said The Tonight Show was gonna change our lives, didn't you think they meant for the better? You think Clay saw something that we didn't? Well, it sure as fuck wasn't the "Don't Walk" sign.
[LAUGHTER.]
Damn, that's cold.
[LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MAN.]
Yeah, I think so.
[RON.]
Oh, Cass.
Whoa.
Is that what you're wearing? Too much? Eh, looks like you're lactating helium.
What's the big deal? It's half as much cleavage as Ron flashed to get his agent.
Well, scrotal cleavage is different.
[CASSIE.]
Yeah, I think this is him.
I need you two to take this show on the road and scram.
- Scram? - She's right.
This agent's gotta think she's 100 percent career.
That means no boyfriend, no life.
Seeing you here, hovering like you're waiting on a seat in an Edward Hopper painting, it's gonna undo all the hard work I did putting this thing together.
You too, Ron.
Right.
I cast a large shadow.
- Yep.
- Good luck.
Thank you.
Are you okay? Me? Yeah.
Why wouldn't I be? He's only here for the ten percent.
Mm.
Well, you're showing 50.
You're awful cute when you're being ridiculous.
Mm.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ARNIE.]
Hey, little boy.
Goldie wants to see you.
Me? What about? She wants you to check out a mole on her ass.
How the fuck should I know? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[GOLDIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
You wanted to see me? Shut the door.
[MUTTERING QUIETLY.]
- Should I - No.
You working at that Polish joint tomorrow? No.
No, I, uh I-I was gonna take a shift because the owner's sister got strep, but I That's fascinating.
I need you to pick up Roy Martin at the airport tomorrow.
And you can take the club Caddy.
Roy Martin? The Roy Martin? Mm.
In the doughy flesh.
You're kidding, I I-I have all his comedy albums.
He's like an idol of mine.
And there's 50 bucks in it.
Roy Martin, shit, I'd do it for free.
Deal.
Arnie's getting his flight information.
Okay.
- [GOLDIE.]
Okay.
- All right.
Oh, and Roy doesn't know he's being picked up, so, uh, don't tell him where he's going till you get here.
So I'm, what, hijacking him? [CHUCKLES.]
Don't get your merit badge all askew.
It'll be fine.
Wait, but you saw Girls Are Funny Too, but it doesn't air until this Saturday.
William Morris does its homework.
And? I'm sitting here.
I don't know how all this agent stuff works.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are-are you supposed to be wooing me? Am I supposed to be wooing you? Well, there's a tap dance on both sides, but since you're new, I'll go first.
Okay.
Cassie, you are pretty, you are funny, and you have got a presence like a-like a Goldie Hawn in the rough.
I'm a bird dog; I go get the next thing.
Then I guide you, I get you in all the right rooms.
Then it's your party.
And who's at my party? Movie producers, television producers, theater if you're not into making any money.
You tell me the guest list, and I make sure they show.
Is this the part where I lie and say I'll think about it? [BOTH LAUGH.]
You don't have to play hard-to-get, Cass.
That's what I'm for.
[EDGAR.]
And I don't even know why bees sting Mexicans.
Because bees are the Mexicans of insects.
- Think about it.
- [LAUGHTER.]
We show up at barbecues uninvited, right? We'll stab you if you ask us to leave.
[GOLDIE.]
[SLURRING.]
Everybody says there's plenty of blame to go around.
Blah, blah, blah.
It's bullshit.
You know, in the Wild West, people used to shoot at buffalo from the train just 'cause they could.
Just 'cause they were out there in the open, unprotected.
Gentle music Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, you gotta go.
No-no, nurses are busy people.
Busy, busy, busy.
Could you tell her Just tell her Tell her, her mother said good night.
To swimming pools, movie stars, and sex.
Oh.
Ooh.
That's probably an acquired taste.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, you, uh, mind if Cassie and I watch her show here tonight? - Ha.
- That didn't last long.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, shut up.
Hey, look, I love Cassie.
She's great, but, I mean, come on, man, we're rich.
We're drinking martinis at 9 a.
m.
in our silk bathrobes.
You the only one wearing a silk bathrobe.
Well, is that my fault? They're hanging in your room.
I mean, look, I can see not wearing the captain's hat, 'cause that's more of a seasonal thing, but-but these are so soft.
It's like they're made out of babies.
And we're not rich, by the way.
You are.
We're just riding your coattails until America pulls its collective head out of its ass.
You know what you're like? You're just like Dorothy.
You got these ruby slippers on, and you could wish for anything, but all you can wish for is fucking Kansas.
And what was Dorothy supposed to wish for, a fucking boat? Yeah, sure, anything but fucking Kansas.
Thank you, but I happen to like Kansas.
Yeah, well, might wanna think again.
All right, well, what is that supposed to mean? Face it, Eddie, I mean, after Cassie's big premiere, she's gonna have access to all kinds of celebrity Wang.
- Mm.
- [EDDIE SCOFFS.]
There's no difference between celebrity Wang and regular Wang.
What rock have you been living under, man? Everybody knows celebrity Wang is better, because it's attached to a fucking celebrity.
I mean, okay, okay, who you gonna blow? You got you got Al Pacino here.
And then you got Joe the Butcher right here.
I mean, clearly you're gobbling Michael Corleone.
I-I hate to say it, but the man's right, all right? With Cassie breaking out, it just ups the competition level.
Now she can fuck all the dudes that she used to have hanging in her junior high school locker.
All right, you know what? I don't have to listen to this shit.
I gotta pick up Roy at the airport.
Enjoy your bathwater and olives.
Come on, Eddie, don't be like that.
There's no place like anywhere but fucking Kansas.
Hey, Ron, just a heads-up, you're out of toilet paper in bathroom number five.
Edgar, for the last time, you don't fucking live here! Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You're not jerking off up there, are you, kid? [CHUCKLES.]
No, uh God, no.
I just, uh oh, boy.
Full disclosure, this is a dream come true for me.
I, uh, you know, my mother and I, we'd stay up late to watch you on Paar, and, uh, she we just loved you.
I mean, she has all your albums, I was, Does this story end with your mother and I having slept together in Vegas and you're trying to tell me that you're my son? Because I've already had that car ride.
Yeah, no, uh, my mother, she-she loved my father, actually.
But he, he was a tailor my father and You already had me after not having fucked your mother.
Could you Okay, you just passed the hotel.
Oh, uh yeah, sorry.
Um, we just gotta make a stop first.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You wanna tell me what's going on? I can't, um Goldie told me that if I said anything she Oh, Jesus, kid.
Please tell me you weren't her first choice.
Uh, doubt it.
- And cut on rehearsal.
- Cut on rehearsal.
All right, thanks, everyone.
That's a break.
Hey, uh, Don.
A sec here? Sure.
What's up, Rene? What the fuck is Ron doing in this scene? A funeral scene, it's supposed to be emotional between me and Tracy.
It is, it is.
Look, we're just using Benny as a treacle cutter, okay? You're gonna get your moment, and Benny's just gonna be in the background, you know? Just lightening things up.
- You mean pulling focus.
- No, not - If I may, Don.
- Yeah.
Rene, I think what Don and the writers feel is that the scene just needs a little more oomph.
Oomph? So the scene where my wife's grandmother, the woman that raises her, dies.
We're at her funeral, and you think that needs a little, uh a little more Oomph.
The button on your sleeve gets caught in her blouse, and then you practically pull her out of the motherfucking coffin.
You know, I've been thinking about that one, too.
And you know what could make it even funnier? - What? - Is if what if first my button gets caught in her wig.
And then you pull that off.
And then when I'm putting that wig back on, then the sleeve gets caught in her blouse, And then I yank her halfway out of the coffin.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That's gold.
I love it.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Take that to the bank.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
[MAN.]
Actors back in two.
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
Oh, yeah, no, please.
Don't be sorry.
I'm Candy Brinks.
Huge fan.
I mean, Benny is so funny and original.
Wow, t-thank you.
I'm-I'm-I'm so glad that you like him.
Me.
You know, me, you know? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Yeah, well, anyways, I just wanted to say Hi.
Um, I'm transitioning from modeling to acting, so they have me starting at the bottom.
Extra.
Oh, no, are you kidding? I personally, I only watch television for the extras.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, third lady from the left, perusing the magazine rack.
That's that's what I'm focused on.
So have I seen your-your work anywhere? Um, that depends.
Uh, do you read Penthouse? Uh, yes, I-I am familiar with Penthouse, but I only read it for the articles.
I mean, just last week I masturbated to this Marshall McLuhan piece on technology.
[LAUGHS.]
You're terrible.
Yeah, ain't I though? So I imagine you're, uh, you're a writer for the magazine? Oh, my God, you're too much.
No, I was, um I was Pet of the Month last December.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Miss December, wow.
- Yeah.
Is there a Mr.
December? Not yet.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Ta-da.
[CHUCKLING.]
Hey-ey-ey! Ha ha.
Roy.
Look at you.
Yeah, yeah, Hi.
- Okay.
- Scotch all right? Scotch is always all right.
How's Caroline? Caroline? That was three pairs of shoes ago.
Pick up a trade.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
So you wanna tell me what the fucking hijacking's all about? Well, I had a talk with our old friend Taffy.
They wanna buy me out.
Two mil.
- I heard.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let me guess, you said no.
That's funny to you? It's Vegas, Goldie.
It's not the welcome wagon dropping by.
Take the dough.
What are you doing here in Los Angeles, huh? Don't give me this Carson nonsense.
Any chance of getting a little ice? They're gonna crush you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, man.
If I had a nickel.
[CHUCKLES.]
Eh, they want to go into business with me.
My name and their money.
You got a location? More like a noose.
Westwood, Pasadena.
And if you don't budge, down the block.
They're gonna surround you and choke you out.
It's your own fault.
You're too fucking good at what you do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks for filling in the blanks.
Hell I knew you when.
You don't supposed you'd be up for dinner tonight, huh? I mean, it's the least you could do after I spent all that money on gas kidnapping you.
[CHUCKLES.]
What the hell is this? [MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
These are all-purpose glasses.
- Are you kidding me? - That's a lot of champagne.
Un-fucking-believable.
Look at this.
Told her it was gonna be just us.
[RON.]
Listen, man, we need more cases of champagne, okay? Otherwise this thing's not gonna work.
For this party to be truly memorable, no one can fucking remember it.
- [EDDIE.]
Hey, Ron.
Ronald? - Yes, sir? - What is all this? - Uh, well, isn't it obvious? We're having a fucking party, Eddie.
[EDDIE.]
Come on, we had a whole conversation.
What is this? Did you bring this? - Yeah.
- Aww.
What the fuck is wrong with you? That was that was a perfectly good Polish deli platter.
Yeah, congratulations on being the first person in history to ever utter those words in the same sentence.
What'd you get married or some shit? This is supposed to be an intimate evening.
Well, there's been a change of plans.
Now it's about me having sex with this.
What's the big deal? You've had sex with tons of magazines.
No, no, no, my friend.
Not the photograph.
The woman.
Miss December.
Okay, I'm not that good at math, but I'm pretty sure that that doesn't go into that.
I don't have time for negativity.
- What? - Look, man, ugh We talked about this.
We talked all about this.
I had no choice.
I invited Candy, and then the cast heard, and then you can't invite the cast without inviting the fucking crew.
All right, I understand.
This is your house, okay? But can you just, I don't know, let Cassie have her moment and not have it be all about you meeting someone from your jerk-off Hall of Fame? No problemo.
Cal's coming.
- The agent? - Yeah.
Big Hollywood party, champagne.
All for Cassie's premiere.
It's gonna impress the shit out of him.
Man has already got a boner.
That I do.
Thank you.
See, that's how you inquire about another man's boner.
Not as a question, but as a statement of fact.
Yeah.
Good! Hey, babe.
[SIGHS.]
What now, Sid? [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I just talked to our daughter.
And? The thing with you two.
Thing? There is no thing.
Come on.
You don't have to come at me with guns blazing.
I want to help.
She's your daughter for Christ's sake.
It's you know, it's not It's-it's-it's not right, Gold.
I'm not the one gumming up the works.
[GRUNTS.]
She doesn't wanna talk.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe I could change that.
Maybe I could talk to her.
Eh, I think maybe that ship's already sailed.
So let me help.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Good.
Could I? Sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
Um I got a call.
Vegas.
I told them I held no sway.
What'd they promise you? Ooh.
They said I could open for Tom Jones two months at the Flamingo.
If I could get you to come to Vegas for a sit-down.
[LAUGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I could make it happen.
Amanda, I mean.
You do this for me, I could discharge her for a couple hours.
I could have her here tonight even.
What the fuck, Gold? - Get out.
- What? Get out! What, you come in here and use your own daughter as bait? Yeah, 'cause God forbid there'd be something in it for someone other than you, right? That's right, Sid, go ahead, stick to the gun you just shot yourself in the foot with.
Get the fuck out! Tom Jones! [AUDIENCE BOOS.]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
Tough crowd.
Tough crowd calls for an even tougher soda.
[GULPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Tougher soda.
What the fuck does that even mean? Blow me.
The commercial is national.
Every time it airs, it gets me a foot further away from you two.
Big Red, the pop with pow.
[MUFFLED EXPLOSION.]
- With pow! - [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, Bill, what's a soul going for these days? You thinking about laying off the blow tonight, Keith Richards, or is total incoherency your big closer? Why don't you relax, Big Red? You see a needle sticking out of my arm? Welcome boys.
Ha ha.
I'm Willy Speers.
I own this tub.
- Hey, I'm Bill.
- Bill! - Willy.
- Nick Beverly.
- Nick.
Ha.
- Carnegie.
Ralph Carnegie.
Carnegie.
Is that a Negro name? Technically, it was a gift given to my great-grandfather by the people who owned him.
That's funny.
You should use that.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we got one rule.
You're not in LA.
And we got no profanity.
State law.
Plus, we're a family joint.
We get a lot of kids and a lot of old farts eating in here.
Now, I may have rules, but we still like to have fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
I will yell and do shit to you while you're up.
Get the audience jazzed.
You serious? You're talking about heckling? You're gonna heckle the comics? The audience heckles.
Think of me as more of a warm-up act.
Um, Willy, this is going on during our act? [CHUCKLES.]
Trust me, you'll need me with this bunch.
Ooh, I got a good feeling about this one.
- [WILLY.]
Have a good show! - Yeah.
[GOLDIE.]
The hell is Arnie? Would somebody please make sure that he sees this note? Please, please, please.
Thank you.
Don't suppose you're gonna watch tonight.
You're still a producer.
Yeah, well, getting screwed doesn't feel any better just 'cause they roll your name in the credits.
What about you, you ready? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Yeah, I I feel like I've been ready for a while now.
You can kiss anonymity good-bye.
Primetime, Saturday night.
Like being on Carson an entire week.
Just know that I know that none of this would have happened without you and this place.
[SIGHS.]
That's bullshit.
You're just like me.
Same snarl, different bite.
I'm taking that as a compliment.
That's how I meant it.
I'm proud of you.
You got balls.
And you can't have a cooch in this business, you don't have balls.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- I'll remember that.
[LAUGHTER.]
Seriously, why are any of you still living here? Look, you can trust me on this, the railroad's not coming through here, okay? Not now, not ever.
I heard John Steinbeck came here for inspiration, but he left 'cause he got too bummed out.
You know, your town is like a Grapes of Wrath amusement park.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, come on, man.
Is that necessary? - This concern you? - Yeah, just my jokes work better without the child abuse.
[LAUGHTER AND GROANS.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
[DRUM ROLL.]
[MAN.]
Get him, Willy! You some kind of smart aleck? Who me? No.
No, no, no.
I'm, uh, no smart aleck.
I'm, uh, just a guy watching another guy yank his son's arm out of the socket 'cause he spilled his fucking soda.
That's who I am.
What'd I say about obscenities? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- The obscenities.
Obscenities.
What did you say? Oh, you said don't fucking do 'em.
Uh, you think that my saying the word fuck, that's the problem, right? I'd hate to be the one to introduce thinking into the conversation, but you might wanna wake the fuck up, Big Willy.
You are mad at a word.
A word.
Richard Nixon brought this country to its knees, and not in the way that Willy likes with his sister.
This guy wore that shirt to get laid.
What the fuck? The world that you know is burning to the ground, but this genius, he's mad about a word.
How much coke did he do before he got onstage? - [NICK.]
Double down.
- About that much.
[NICK.]
Oh, my goodness, I hear it.
Do you hear that? If you listen real close, I think you can hear it.
There is a train coming.
[IMITATES TRAIN CHUGGING.]
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a, fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a, Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
Fuck you! Fuck you! - Fuck you! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
- Fuck you! - That's enough! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah? Says fucking who? Says me.
- [CROWD CHEERS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Ha ha! Hey! Look at that.
Where's that big mouth now, tough guy, huh? Ooh, Cletus, you gotta back up.
That breath smells like if shit took a sauna.
Hey, man, there's no need for that.
Step the fuck back now.
Leave him alone, asshole.
I don't mean no disrespect.
- Just keep cool, all right? - Keep cool? What, you think I'm one of your jive friends? - [LAUGHS.]
- Get the fuck off me.
Stay there, Bill.
[LAUGHS.]
So you run this motley outfit? Listen, my friend acted poorly in there.
- Mm-hmm.
- And he knows that.
What do you say we just leave? No harm, no foul.
It sounds to me like you're trying to interfere with my arrest.
I'm trying to end this civilly.
[LAUGHS.]
Motherfucker will you please come on! - [GROANING.]
- Ralph [RALPH.]
Get your hands off me.
Get me out of this fucking car! Get your fucking hands off me.
I served this country in Nam! - Get your hands off him! - Explains why we lost.
- [NICK.]
Fuck you! - Fuck you! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
- [CASSIE.]
Oh, my God.
- [EDDIE.]
I know, right? Are you sure you're okay with this being a big party? I know you wanted it to be a small affair.
[CASSIE.]
Yeah, this is so fun.
I mean, I know it was my idea to have it just the two of us, but this is amazing, and Cal's coming? [EDDIE.]
Yes, he is, according to Ron.
[RENE.]
This is a pretty nice pad for a mailman.
Yeah, man, it's amazing what 20 grand an episode will buy.
I mean, I can only imagine what your place looks like, what you must pull in.
Same as you.
Twenty Gs.
Really? Really.
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah, right on.
- Is it? Is it? - Yeah, no, I just You know, I thought it might be more 'cause you're the lead.
- You would think.
- I didn't know if it was Oh, there's Candy.
There's Candy's here.
- Ahh! - Hey.
Oh, I'm so glad you made it.
I'm glad I made it too.
Excuse me, guys.
Candy's here.
May I use your little girl's room for a sec? Of course, uh, there's actually five restrooms, so you can you can pee all night.
- No way she's with you.
- Yeah.
Yep.
- Miss December, Penthouse.
- No way.
- Way.
- What's her name? - Candy.
- It's like her parents knew.
- She's a walking sex fantasy.
- Fuck.
So what's your plan? What are you gonna do? Sex.
I'm gonna have sex with her.
- Yeah.
- And then, you know, probably some awkward conversation.
- Sure.
- And feign mutual interests.
More sex.
No, you can't just have regular guy sex with her.
She's a Penthouse Pet.
You need to add some pizzazz.
- Pizzazz? - Yeah.
Like what? I don't like a Bengal tiger.
Okay, I'm not-I'm not sure we have time for that.
You got anything a little more reasonable? How much champagne do you have? Tons.
You're gonna need more.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
You sure this is a restaurant and not some guinea elephant graveyard? You be nice.
Chef went through a lot of bother to open these cans.
Well, I'd ask for a doggy bag, but I like my dog.
[CHUCKLES.]
What? Cut the bullshit.
What's the capacity? Two-fifty if we grease the fire marshal.
The owner hit an iceberg about six months ago.
He's been trying to dump the lease ever since.
What about Vegas? What about Vegas? They're very good to me.
Always have been.
What are they offering? Twenty-eighty, but I don't have to do shit but perform.
Mm.
I'll go seventy-thirty.
Headline here the first month.
One week a month from then on.
So I'm gonna fuck my Vegas brand for a ten percent bump? Take the two million, Goldie.
What is it, Roy? Hmm? The terms or Vegas? Between you and I, we know just about every comic, every talent agent in the business.
We could really make a go of this place.
Let me explain it so you understand.
Vegas is gonna swallow you whole and shit out the seeds.
All right, thought I was preaching to the converted.
Okay, well, then convert me.
Hmm? Why Santa Monica? It's a shithole.
Yeah, a shithole by the beach that they're about - A shithole by the beach.
- Yes.
Oh, you should put that on the sign.
And they are about to pour a shitload of money into it.
Trust me, it's gonna be a tourist pull.
Oh, okay, so we're-we're a tourist attraction now.
Is that what we are? Tourists go home eventually.
Places like Detroit, Chicago, Boston, New York.
All cities just waiting for something a little funnier than what they got.
Come on, you wouldn't be here now if the time wasn't right for expanding.
Roy Vegas can't strangle what it can't get its hands around.
Sixty-forty.
And I want my own driver when I'm out here.
You hit a few parked cars drunk, and automatically everyone wants to infringe on your civil liberties.
Get me that elf with the infectious grin.
Eddie.
Eddie it is.
Good.
[GROANS.]
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
CITGO extra range motor oil.
- [CASSIE.]
Oh, man.
- [EDDIE.]
How you feeling? - I don't know.
- Am I late? Ah, no, you're right on time.
Hi, come sit.
You look wonderful, wonderful.
Thanks.
- You mind if I, uh - Nope, nope.
- Here you go.
- Thanks so much.
This is the agent that I was telling you about.
I appreciate it.
Oh, my gosh! - I know.
- The big night.
- [MOUTHING.]
- Are you so excited? - You must be just thrilled.
- I'm very excited.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
From CBS Studios in Hollywood, California, it's Girls Are Funny Too.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you for coming.
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
Starring [NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this special report.
What you're seeing is the devastation left behind from a category five tornado that landed in Bixby, Oklahoma, just miles from Tulsa.
The devastation continues to mount, along with the death toll, as the twister, one of five known, winds its way north.
Much of Tulsa County is currently without power, and tornado warnings are still in effect, making search and rescue operations very dangerous.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
[NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
Ten known deaths [PHONE RINGING DISTANTLY.]
[KEYS JANGLING, DOOR RATTLES.]
You.
[SNIFFS.]
[GROANS.]
What about him? What about him? He can sweat it out.
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE RINGS DISTANTLY.]
[DOOR CLANGING, CLOSES.]
[GRUNTS.]
[MAN.]
[LAUGHS.]
All alone now.
All alone.
[NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
A local church in nearby Stillwater, St.
Joseph the Worker, where several families were riding out the tornado has collapsed, trapping the families seeking refuge under the rubble.
Are you fucking kidding me? [NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
Very little is known at this time.
I mean, are you fucking shitting me? [EDDIE.]
Cass, Cass.
Hey, it's called Tornado Alley, you know what I mean? It's not fucking Chance of Showers Alley.
It's in the fucking title.
You don't like wind, fucking get the fuck out of the city.
I'm not gonna relax, and I'm not up-I'm not upset.
This isn't a fucking salmonella outbreak - at the Polish deli.
- No.
Once again, my life has been preempted by a fucking tragedy Tough night, Cass.
that I had no fucking hand in.
Minor setback.
It's gonna be okay.
- Talk to you in a day or two.
- Okay, great, yeah.
I'll wait by the phone tomorrow.
Hey, is this still the comedy show? These girls don't look funny.
They look dead.
Hello? Am I bothering you? [DISTANT MUSIC, CHATTER.]
[EDDIE.]
There she is, Calamity Jane.
Well, I'd like to say that that was the premiere of Girls Are Crazy Too, but I think we both know that's not true.
Yeah.
It's understandable.
Who wouldn't be upset? Think Mother Teresa would have gone on that rant if her special was preempted by innocent deaths? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, you had a bad moment.
Huh.
I don't know if it would be worse thinking it and not saying it.
You think I'm terrible? No.
We're not our worst moments.
Hopefully.
Thanks for being so supportive.
Please don't do that.
Do what? You just You make me sound like an afterthought.
Like I'm some kinda coda to your ups and downs.
For saying that you're supportive? Yeah, it feels like a pat on the head.
Is this because I gave your seat to Cal? Oh, was that not a shitty thing? Should I not feel shitty about that? I need an agent, Eddie.
I thought you of all people would understand that.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
Maybe I don't really want to feel like all people with you.
Are you jealous? You seriously think I'm jealous? - Well, I - Why? Why, because I don't have my own show? Or The Main Stage? Or agents chasing me? Look, I know I work in a deli, wait tables, perform at The Cellar at 2 a.
m.
in front of three people.
I'm good with that.
Look, nobody roots harder for you than I do.
I know that, I know.
So I will happily take a backseat to where we are in our careers, but in our relationship, no fucking way.
You know what would be nice for a change? How 'bout you following me outside after I've had a shit day? That would be nice.
Funk music [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
I've been let down, I've been turned around I've never been in a champagne Jacuzzi before.
- Few have.
- Mm.
I had the staff drain the water out and Oh, yeah? And pour a bunch of cases of bubbly in.
Mm.
Didn't get me down Mm.
I go wild Mmm.
[LAUGHS.]
That would be my penis.
Our penis.
That's what I meant.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MOANING.]
- Yeah.
- My vagina.
- You mean "our vagina.
" - Ohh, no! It fucking burns! Fuck, fuck, it burns! [SCREAMING.]
That's not good.
It fucking burns! I'm fucking hurt! Oh, my God! [CROWD CHEERING.]
I'll save you.
[CANDY.]
I can fucking swim! So alcohol heated to 103 degrees Hmm.
Seems obvious now.
Yeah.
[PHONE RINGS.]
No.
Okay.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
All right, all right, all right, I'm coming.
Hello.
Huh? [SIGHS.]
What police station? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[PHONES RINGING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Thanks for the pizza and beer.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Ralph.
[BILL.]
Ralph, you hungry? You wanna get something to eat? Or should we race back to the hotel so you can jot this down in your pink little diary while it's still fresh? And I think we got a new road rule stay the fuck outta Arizona, am I right? Hey, we ain't bonding over this shit.
You dig? Playing Bill Withers' "Hope She'll Be Happier" [EDDIE.]
But I love my mother very much.
But what are you gonna do? That's the way it is.
She didn't love me back.
When I was little, she actually told me that windowless vans were taxis for children.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
This was also the same woman who, uh, encouraged me to apply to Notre Dame on a bell-ringing scholarship.
Maybe the lateness of the hour Bell-ringing? As in ringing a bell? Not doing it, huh? Not ringing a bell? [RALPH.]
I mean, it's another racist depiction reinforcing the stereotype that all black people are lazy.
Now, I would have changed the channel, but the television was all the way across the room.
[LAUGHTER.]
In my defense, I did have my recliner set all the way back to righteous indignation mode.
But in my heart there is a shower So you guys have been a fantastic crowd.
Thank you.
My name is Ralph Carnegie.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you.
I hope she'll be happier with him Coming to the stage next, your headliner.
You've seen him on The Tonight Show.
Give it up for Mr.
Bill Hobbs.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Baby the darkness [BILL.]
Ralph Carnegie, ladies and gentlemen, from Sonny & Cher, and now that they're getting a divorce Ralph is gonna be available for some light yard work.
I don't know if you want him around your house though.
He might steal something.
Makes me seem lonelier Ralph is half black and half a comedian, so Than I am [NAOMI.]
God, that was funny.
The way you can just get up there and It's so cool.
Naomi.
Pleasure, Naomi.
So tell me something funny, Mr.
Funny Guy.
Happier with him Something funny I can't believe That she don't want to see me We lived and loved With each other so long Goldie's is nothing it's a starters pistol.
I can't believe that you got Soul Train.
This is your chance to show people who you are as a stand-up.
Now is Ron time.
I'm just working on some new stuff.
I'm taking them for the Tonight Show.
Give it up for Miss Dawn Lima.
I fucked a bum today.
How do you guys know each other? We worked together in Chicago.
in Chicago.
You really did fuck a bum.
Are you exicted to see your family, it's been a while.
Can you hug your Aunt Cassie, please? I'm sorry I haven't been around more.
We do what we have to.
you're not gonna say anything? I'm not playing this game anymore.
If you walk back, I need to know it's to get your shit together.
- Your album is number 92 and climbing.
- What? They owe you something.
Can I ask you a question? What are you so pissed off about? I guess yours wasn't the only fucked up childhood.
You were there for me, .
I don't know, it feels better.
There's no happiness in this business.
The people you love will kill you.
Either by making you stay or letting you go.
All right everybody, let's party! What if this is as close as I'll ever get to Carson? All my eggs are in this basket.
We're here to collect.
Can't believe I wished for all this.
You wished for success, .
[CAR ENGINE REVVING.]
[AMANDA.]
Stop the fucking car.
Stop the car.
Please stop [GOLDIE.]
I'm not stopping.
This is all about you.
[AMANDA.]
Please, just stop the car.
[GOLDIE.]
Just settle down.
Get your hands off the wheel for Christ's sake! - Just stop the car! - Nobody's stopping anything.
Turn the car around! I don't wanna do this, but it's what you need.
What are you doing? Get back here.
Get back here! Get back Stop the fucking car.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GOLDIE.]
God damn it.
Jesus, look what you're doing! Stop it! Let me out! - Settle down! - Let me the fuck out! - Settle down.
- Let me out of the car! [AMANDA.]
Let me out of this car! Let me out! Let me the fuck out! - [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [GOLDIE.]
Damn it to hell.
Christ! Ugh, damn it! Whoa, whoa, hey, take it easy.
- [AMANDA.]
Oh, God! - [MAN.]
Come on.
[AMANDA.]
Get off me, please! - Hey, hey, hey! - Let me go! Hey, be careful.
You're hurting her.
Stop it! I hate you! I fucking hate you! [AMANDA.]
I hate you, Mom! I fucking hate you! I hate you too, baby.
Jazzy percussion [WOMAN.]
The neighbors say you were spraying down the kids in the front yard.
Your cue's coming up.
You better get out there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
[MAN.]
Water is water.
The kids had fun.
- And I made four dollars.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Thirty seconds.
[MAN.]
is two dollars apiece.
[WOMAN.]
You make me want to pull my damn hair out.
[MAN.]
Well, if you do, I got four dollars to put towards your new wig.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Smooth rock music [WOMAN.]
until there's an actual pool.
[MAN.]
Oh, I see what this is about.
- [MAN.]
Last looks.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CONVERSATION ON STAGE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[MAN.]
And cue Benny.
Hey-ohh! - It's Benny Time.
- [WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
[MORRIS.]
Ronald, it's your Fairy Godmother.
- [RON.]
Hey, Morris.
- [MORRIS.]
The network called.
Looks like they finally figured out who the breakout star of the show is.
They want to make you a regular.
A regular? Are you shitting me? [MORRIS.]
Wanna know what I told them? I mean, I think I know what you told them.
I told them to go fuck themselves.
Yeah, that's not it.
Then I hung up on them.
You know I live in a closet, right? [MORRIS.]
They called back with an offer.
It's $20,000 an episode for 20 episodes.
You do the math.
I'm, uh is that, like, 40 Or, no, no, like 140 I'll do the math.
It's 400,000 simoleons, Ronald.
You're rich, you loveable cocksucker.
- Holy shit.
- What did I tell you? You work hard, you hone your craft, you pay your dues, good things will happen.
Yeah, I didn't do any of those things.
[MORRIS.]
That's not the point.
The point is, who gives a shit, Ronald? You're rich! Come on down later, sign the papers.
Remember, we don't validate after five.
[HANGS UP, DIAL TONE.]
[SETS PHONE IN CRADLE, RINGER DINGS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Smooth rock music You think you could try to not bomb onstage? - [LAUGHS.]
- Is it gonna be hard? I bring what I bring.
If they like it, they like it.
If they don't, they don't.
[CHUCKLES.]
This guy hasn't written a joke since I met him.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's remarkable.
You'd think after all this time Things been turning out okay [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUSE.]
[RALPH.]
And can you believe another racist depiction, reinforcing the stereotype that all black people are lazy.
Now, I would have changed the channel, but the TV was all the way across the room, so In my defense, my recliner was set all the way back to righteous indignation mode.
[LAUGHTER.]
So I am a revolutionary doing my part.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, let's bring up the next comic.
Come on, fuckhead, where are you? [KATIE.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
[RALPH.]
toured all over this fair nation.
Direct from Los Angeles, California [BOTH LAUGH.]
A very funny man, mister [NICK.]
Bill Hobbs! - [WOMAN.]
Yeah.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
Motherfucker.
[LAUGHTER.]
- [GROANING.]
- [KATIE.]
Yeah.
You sure about that, Nick? - Bill Fucking Hobbs! - Bill Fucking Hobbs! [LAUGHTER.]
You heard the man.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Fucking Hobbs.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RALPH LAUGHS.]
The "Fucking" is on his mama's side.
[APPLAUSE.]
Come on, Big Red.
- [MAN.]
Yeah! - I'm gonna kill him.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, how you doing? - [MAN.]
All right.
- [SCATTERED CHEERS.]
I was supposed to be on a little bit later, seeing as I'm the headliner and all.
But apparently Nick Beverly is busy tipping a waitress.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
I say why stop at the tip? Give her the whole thing, Nick.
- [CHEERING.]
- [MAN.]
Yeah! [BILL.]
Speaking of small dicks - You're funny.
- Mm.
Is that what all that laughing is about? [LAUGHS.]
I'm Carla.
And this is my bestest friend, Louise.
Ralph Carnegie at your service, ladies.
Ralph Carnegie.
Are you always so funny? 24/7, baby.
24/7.
[GIGGLES.]
[MOANING.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
[MOANING INTENSIFIES.]
Oh, my [MOANING.]
[SIGHS, BREATHING HEAVILY.]
How was that with the tension? Better.
Mm.
You're gonna be great today.
Thank you.
Wait, are you okay? Me? Your face.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Now you look kinda tense.
[MOANS SOFTLY.]
Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba Ba-ba, baa I love how you know right where I hold all my tension.
[KENNY.]
And Kenny in the AM is back with funny lady Cassie Feder, who is making her television debut.
- Isn't that right, Cass? - That's right, Kenny.
It's a comedy special called Girls Are Funny Too.
This Saturday at nine on CBS.
Girls Are Funny Too.
Two questions.
One, are they? And if so, why do I have to ask? Oh, well, Kenny, we have a great sense of humor.
If you don't believe me, you can just ask any of the women you've slept with.
Bam biscuit! Couldn't be more wrong.
No, no.
Kenny is all business in the sack.
There is no laughing going on there, little lady.
Well, apparently we're not only funny, but we know how to keep a straight face for 90 seconds.
Face mask.
That one is gonna leave a mark.
All right, everybody, Cassie Feder, Girls Are Funny Too, Saturday, 9 p.
m.
on the Tiffany Network.
[GASPS.]
Be there.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
That was a little mean.
Thank you.
Sitting in a churchyard, waiting for her ride Buckwheat, Stymie, which one of you can pull off a 42 regular? Well I spoke to God Fucking hilarious.
Funniest album since Pryor's That Nigger's Crazy.
His title, not mine.
I hate that word.
Now the bad news is, you fucked yourself.
You signed a shitty contract with Ha-Ha Records.
Known scam artists.
The good news is your days of getting fucked are over, because here at CMA, we do all the fucking.
[SCATTERED CHUCKLES.]
All right, so does that mean all of you get ten percent? Now I only ask because you just said y'all are the ones that do all the fucking.
No, it's just your one agent.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, in that case, let's use him.
Say what? You got it, Chief.
Yeah.
Right on.
[BIRDS CAW, INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE RUMBLES.]
- Let's go.
- What the fuck, man? - Get up.
- I'm entertaining.
I don't care.
We gotta be in Tempe in five hours, let's go.
[SIGHS.]
What's the big deal? We got plenty of time.
The big deal is, where the fuck is Nick? He didn't come home last night.
And you know what? I'm so tired of babysitting this guy, and you too.
It's the same thing.
You know, he's probably out somewhere sniffing coke out of some hooker's butthole, and I'm here playing dad, and I'm tired of it, you know? I'm funnier than both you losers.
What are you doing? [NICK.]
Let's go! Hey! We should go! Guys! Yeah, we should go! Let's hit it, yep.
It was worth it, but I'll explain in the car, let's go.
- I'll get the bags.
- Yeah.
Cheerful music [RON.]
Hello.
Yeah.
It's not a family car.
- Ahh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Whoa! How 'bout this? That's rock.
They shouldn't have.
Must be from the Realtor.
- [CORK POPS.]
- Ohh! Shit.
Ron, you know you got a tree growing in your living room? Yeah, I told you, it's a nice house.
Come on.
- [ADAM.]
Ohh.
- [RON.]
Here.
So they come with the house? [CHUCKLES.]
You see them too? Five bathrooms.
Now this.
Welcome to Casa De Ron, boys.
[BOTH.]
Mm.
Is that an erection? I find it insulting you have to ask.
A real gentleman would just tip his hat.
- Edgar! - Yeah? Someone dragged in dog shit by the ticket booth.
Don't even bother with the broom.
It's definitely a hands-and-knees operation.
You gotta be kidding me, man.
I-I gotta go up in an hour.
I can't smell like dog shit.
Hey, I'm not the one who told you to stop dealing drugs.
You wanted to be an honest man with an honest job.
Now you gotta suffer the consequences.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- It's always a thing.
Like, white folk, why do you roll up your windows when you drive through our neighborhoods? No, I'm serious.
The window can be cracked a goddamn half inch, and you'll roll that motherfucker up, like it is no tomorrow.
Hey, what do you what do you think, we-we sit and we look at a half an inch.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, I could fit through that.
Come on, come on.
Seriously, there's no part of a black man that can fit in a half inch of anything.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
All right, be nice.
Besides, why the fuck is glass a thing that you think is gonna stop us? Have you not seen [INDISTINCT.]
? Brothers ain't concerned about no damn glass.
Is it a soup yet? Huh? - Oh, yeah, it's soup.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Empty your fucking ashtray! - [LAUGHTER.]
- What? - Some big dude out front looking for you from Vegas.
- Whatever.
- Taff or something.
Oh, shit.
Send him up to the office.
No way.
The front page, huh? You knocked a local decorated World War I hero's obituary all the way back to page ten.
[CASSIE.]
Hey, he got his 15 minutes, right? This show's a big deal, Cass.
We're so proud.
You're the talk of Wink.
Well, it's not the first time.
Well, let's just hope that you don't steal Denise's thunder.
We'll never hear the end of it.
Hey, are Jesse and the girls still up? Oh, out like a light.
I, uh You'll see them soon enough.
Wait until you see Jesse in his little ring bearer outfit.
Oh, he is gonna be a heartbreaker, that one.
We all can't wait to see you, Cass.
It's been too long.
Yeah.
[TAFFY.]
You'd still run day-to-day.
Name would still be up in lights.
You'd just be two mil heavier.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, it's definitely a generous offer, Taffy.
But why would I sell now just when things are getting interesting? Pick a reason.
We live in troubled times.
You're not getting any younger, and we're giving you 20 times more than what you paid for the joint.
[SIGHS.]
What's your kid's name again? What's your point? I took my kid to Alaska.
We saw a fucking grizzly bear.
It was fucking life-changing.
Vegas has been down this road with LA before.
And that's why there's a Vegas.
Yeah, but now we're good little boys and girls.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Have you ever learned an easy lesson in your life, Gold? If life ain't hard, you ain't doing it right.
[SIGHS.]
Gentle piano music I'm gonna be around for a few days.
Be around town messing around.
If you need to get a hold of me, let's talk.
Anybody interesting? Your old pal, Roy Martin.
Roy? What's he doing out of Vegas? - Carson.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Seriously, think about what I told you.
Trust me.
Vegas, we make fucking terrible neighbors.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
[BILL.]
Looks like my mom taking a shit while getting banged by a tiny angel.
That's specific.
I can't look at it anymore.
It's making me homesick.
What do you see? Urine.
Rusty water, tears.
Broken dreams.
Whatever's leaking out of a body laying on a motel room floor dead and undiscovered for a week.
That makes sense.
I see two stupid motherfuckers - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- who won't let another motherfucker sleep.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, God.
[SIGHS.]
Nick, when they said The Tonight Show was gonna change our lives, didn't you think they meant for the better? You think Clay saw something that we didn't? Well, it sure as fuck wasn't the "Don't Walk" sign.
[LAUGHTER.]
Damn, that's cold.
[LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MAN.]
Yeah, I think so.
[RON.]
Oh, Cass.
Whoa.
Is that what you're wearing? Too much? Eh, looks like you're lactating helium.
What's the big deal? It's half as much cleavage as Ron flashed to get his agent.
Well, scrotal cleavage is different.
[CASSIE.]
Yeah, I think this is him.
I need you two to take this show on the road and scram.
- Scram? - She's right.
This agent's gotta think she's 100 percent career.
That means no boyfriend, no life.
Seeing you here, hovering like you're waiting on a seat in an Edward Hopper painting, it's gonna undo all the hard work I did putting this thing together.
You too, Ron.
Right.
I cast a large shadow.
- Yep.
- Good luck.
Thank you.
Are you okay? Me? Yeah.
Why wouldn't I be? He's only here for the ten percent.
Mm.
Well, you're showing 50.
You're awful cute when you're being ridiculous.
Mm.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ARNIE.]
Hey, little boy.
Goldie wants to see you.
Me? What about? She wants you to check out a mole on her ass.
How the fuck should I know? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[GOLDIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
You wanted to see me? Shut the door.
[MUTTERING QUIETLY.]
- Should I - No.
You working at that Polish joint tomorrow? No.
No, I, uh I-I was gonna take a shift because the owner's sister got strep, but I That's fascinating.
I need you to pick up Roy Martin at the airport tomorrow.
And you can take the club Caddy.
Roy Martin? The Roy Martin? Mm.
In the doughy flesh.
You're kidding, I I-I have all his comedy albums.
He's like an idol of mine.
And there's 50 bucks in it.
Roy Martin, shit, I'd do it for free.
Deal.
Arnie's getting his flight information.
Okay.
- [GOLDIE.]
Okay.
- All right.
Oh, and Roy doesn't know he's being picked up, so, uh, don't tell him where he's going till you get here.
So I'm, what, hijacking him? [CHUCKLES.]
Don't get your merit badge all askew.
It'll be fine.
Wait, but you saw Girls Are Funny Too, but it doesn't air until this Saturday.
William Morris does its homework.
And? I'm sitting here.
I don't know how all this agent stuff works.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are-are you supposed to be wooing me? Am I supposed to be wooing you? Well, there's a tap dance on both sides, but since you're new, I'll go first.
Okay.
Cassie, you are pretty, you are funny, and you have got a presence like a-like a Goldie Hawn in the rough.
I'm a bird dog; I go get the next thing.
Then I guide you, I get you in all the right rooms.
Then it's your party.
And who's at my party? Movie producers, television producers, theater if you're not into making any money.
You tell me the guest list, and I make sure they show.
Is this the part where I lie and say I'll think about it? [BOTH LAUGH.]
You don't have to play hard-to-get, Cass.
That's what I'm for.
[EDGAR.]
And I don't even know why bees sting Mexicans.
Because bees are the Mexicans of insects.
- Think about it.
- [LAUGHTER.]
We show up at barbecues uninvited, right? We'll stab you if you ask us to leave.
[GOLDIE.]
[SLURRING.]
Everybody says there's plenty of blame to go around.
Blah, blah, blah.
It's bullshit.
You know, in the Wild West, people used to shoot at buffalo from the train just 'cause they could.
Just 'cause they were out there in the open, unprotected.
Gentle music Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, you gotta go.
No-no, nurses are busy people.
Busy, busy, busy.
Could you tell her Just tell her Tell her, her mother said good night.
To swimming pools, movie stars, and sex.
Oh.
Ooh.
That's probably an acquired taste.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, you, uh, mind if Cassie and I watch her show here tonight? - Ha.
- That didn't last long.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, shut up.
Hey, look, I love Cassie.
She's great, but, I mean, come on, man, we're rich.
We're drinking martinis at 9 a.
m.
in our silk bathrobes.
You the only one wearing a silk bathrobe.
Well, is that my fault? They're hanging in your room.
I mean, look, I can see not wearing the captain's hat, 'cause that's more of a seasonal thing, but-but these are so soft.
It's like they're made out of babies.
And we're not rich, by the way.
You are.
We're just riding your coattails until America pulls its collective head out of its ass.
You know what you're like? You're just like Dorothy.
You got these ruby slippers on, and you could wish for anything, but all you can wish for is fucking Kansas.
And what was Dorothy supposed to wish for, a fucking boat? Yeah, sure, anything but fucking Kansas.
Thank you, but I happen to like Kansas.
Yeah, well, might wanna think again.
All right, well, what is that supposed to mean? Face it, Eddie, I mean, after Cassie's big premiere, she's gonna have access to all kinds of celebrity Wang.
- Mm.
- [EDDIE SCOFFS.]
There's no difference between celebrity Wang and regular Wang.
What rock have you been living under, man? Everybody knows celebrity Wang is better, because it's attached to a fucking celebrity.
I mean, okay, okay, who you gonna blow? You got you got Al Pacino here.
And then you got Joe the Butcher right here.
I mean, clearly you're gobbling Michael Corleone.
I-I hate to say it, but the man's right, all right? With Cassie breaking out, it just ups the competition level.
Now she can fuck all the dudes that she used to have hanging in her junior high school locker.
All right, you know what? I don't have to listen to this shit.
I gotta pick up Roy at the airport.
Enjoy your bathwater and olives.
Come on, Eddie, don't be like that.
There's no place like anywhere but fucking Kansas.
Hey, Ron, just a heads-up, you're out of toilet paper in bathroom number five.
Edgar, for the last time, you don't fucking live here! Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You're not jerking off up there, are you, kid? [CHUCKLES.]
No, uh God, no.
I just, uh oh, boy.
Full disclosure, this is a dream come true for me.
I, uh, you know, my mother and I, we'd stay up late to watch you on Paar, and, uh, she we just loved you.
I mean, she has all your albums, I was, Does this story end with your mother and I having slept together in Vegas and you're trying to tell me that you're my son? Because I've already had that car ride.
Yeah, no, uh, my mother, she-she loved my father, actually.
But he, he was a tailor my father and You already had me after not having fucked your mother.
Could you Okay, you just passed the hotel.
Oh, uh yeah, sorry.
Um, we just gotta make a stop first.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You wanna tell me what's going on? I can't, um Goldie told me that if I said anything she Oh, Jesus, kid.
Please tell me you weren't her first choice.
Uh, doubt it.
- And cut on rehearsal.
- Cut on rehearsal.
All right, thanks, everyone.
That's a break.
Hey, uh, Don.
A sec here? Sure.
What's up, Rene? What the fuck is Ron doing in this scene? A funeral scene, it's supposed to be emotional between me and Tracy.
It is, it is.
Look, we're just using Benny as a treacle cutter, okay? You're gonna get your moment, and Benny's just gonna be in the background, you know? Just lightening things up.
- You mean pulling focus.
- No, not - If I may, Don.
- Yeah.
Rene, I think what Don and the writers feel is that the scene just needs a little more oomph.
Oomph? So the scene where my wife's grandmother, the woman that raises her, dies.
We're at her funeral, and you think that needs a little, uh a little more Oomph.
The button on your sleeve gets caught in her blouse, and then you practically pull her out of the motherfucking coffin.
You know, I've been thinking about that one, too.
And you know what could make it even funnier? - What? - Is if what if first my button gets caught in her wig.
And then you pull that off.
And then when I'm putting that wig back on, then the sleeve gets caught in her blouse, And then I yank her halfway out of the coffin.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That's gold.
I love it.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Take that to the bank.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
[MAN.]
Actors back in two.
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
Oh, yeah, no, please.
Don't be sorry.
I'm Candy Brinks.
Huge fan.
I mean, Benny is so funny and original.
Wow, t-thank you.
I'm-I'm-I'm so glad that you like him.
Me.
You know, me, you know? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Yeah, well, anyways, I just wanted to say Hi.
Um, I'm transitioning from modeling to acting, so they have me starting at the bottom.
Extra.
Oh, no, are you kidding? I personally, I only watch television for the extras.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, third lady from the left, perusing the magazine rack.
That's that's what I'm focused on.
So have I seen your-your work anywhere? Um, that depends.
Uh, do you read Penthouse? Uh, yes, I-I am familiar with Penthouse, but I only read it for the articles.
I mean, just last week I masturbated to this Marshall McLuhan piece on technology.
[LAUGHS.]
You're terrible.
Yeah, ain't I though? So I imagine you're, uh, you're a writer for the magazine? Oh, my God, you're too much.
No, I was, um I was Pet of the Month last December.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Miss December, wow.
- Yeah.
Is there a Mr.
December? Not yet.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Ta-da.
[CHUCKLING.]
Hey-ey-ey! Ha ha.
Roy.
Look at you.
Yeah, yeah, Hi.
- Okay.
- Scotch all right? Scotch is always all right.
How's Caroline? Caroline? That was three pairs of shoes ago.
Pick up a trade.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
So you wanna tell me what the fucking hijacking's all about? Well, I had a talk with our old friend Taffy.
They wanna buy me out.
Two mil.
- I heard.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let me guess, you said no.
That's funny to you? It's Vegas, Goldie.
It's not the welcome wagon dropping by.
Take the dough.
What are you doing here in Los Angeles, huh? Don't give me this Carson nonsense.
Any chance of getting a little ice? They're gonna crush you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, man.
If I had a nickel.
[CHUCKLES.]
Eh, they want to go into business with me.
My name and their money.
You got a location? More like a noose.
Westwood, Pasadena.
And if you don't budge, down the block.
They're gonna surround you and choke you out.
It's your own fault.
You're too fucking good at what you do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks for filling in the blanks.
Hell I knew you when.
You don't supposed you'd be up for dinner tonight, huh? I mean, it's the least you could do after I spent all that money on gas kidnapping you.
[CHUCKLES.]
What the hell is this? [MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
These are all-purpose glasses.
- Are you kidding me? - That's a lot of champagne.
Un-fucking-believable.
Look at this.
Told her it was gonna be just us.
[RON.]
Listen, man, we need more cases of champagne, okay? Otherwise this thing's not gonna work.
For this party to be truly memorable, no one can fucking remember it.
- [EDDIE.]
Hey, Ron.
Ronald? - Yes, sir? - What is all this? - Uh, well, isn't it obvious? We're having a fucking party, Eddie.
[EDDIE.]
Come on, we had a whole conversation.
What is this? Did you bring this? - Yeah.
- Aww.
What the fuck is wrong with you? That was that was a perfectly good Polish deli platter.
Yeah, congratulations on being the first person in history to ever utter those words in the same sentence.
What'd you get married or some shit? This is supposed to be an intimate evening.
Well, there's been a change of plans.
Now it's about me having sex with this.
What's the big deal? You've had sex with tons of magazines.
No, no, no, my friend.
Not the photograph.
The woman.
Miss December.
Okay, I'm not that good at math, but I'm pretty sure that that doesn't go into that.
I don't have time for negativity.
- What? - Look, man, ugh We talked about this.
We talked all about this.
I had no choice.
I invited Candy, and then the cast heard, and then you can't invite the cast without inviting the fucking crew.
All right, I understand.
This is your house, okay? But can you just, I don't know, let Cassie have her moment and not have it be all about you meeting someone from your jerk-off Hall of Fame? No problemo.
Cal's coming.
- The agent? - Yeah.
Big Hollywood party, champagne.
All for Cassie's premiere.
It's gonna impress the shit out of him.
Man has already got a boner.
That I do.
Thank you.
See, that's how you inquire about another man's boner.
Not as a question, but as a statement of fact.
Yeah.
Good! Hey, babe.
[SIGHS.]
What now, Sid? [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I just talked to our daughter.
And? The thing with you two.
Thing? There is no thing.
Come on.
You don't have to come at me with guns blazing.
I want to help.
She's your daughter for Christ's sake.
It's you know, it's not It's-it's-it's not right, Gold.
I'm not the one gumming up the works.
[GRUNTS.]
She doesn't wanna talk.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe I could change that.
Maybe I could talk to her.
Eh, I think maybe that ship's already sailed.
So let me help.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Good.
Could I? Sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
Um I got a call.
Vegas.
I told them I held no sway.
What'd they promise you? Ooh.
They said I could open for Tom Jones two months at the Flamingo.
If I could get you to come to Vegas for a sit-down.
[LAUGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I could make it happen.
Amanda, I mean.
You do this for me, I could discharge her for a couple hours.
I could have her here tonight even.
What the fuck, Gold? - Get out.
- What? Get out! What, you come in here and use your own daughter as bait? Yeah, 'cause God forbid there'd be something in it for someone other than you, right? That's right, Sid, go ahead, stick to the gun you just shot yourself in the foot with.
Get the fuck out! Tom Jones! [AUDIENCE BOOS.]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
Tough crowd.
Tough crowd calls for an even tougher soda.
[GULPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Tougher soda.
What the fuck does that even mean? Blow me.
The commercial is national.
Every time it airs, it gets me a foot further away from you two.
Big Red, the pop with pow.
[MUFFLED EXPLOSION.]
- With pow! - [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, Bill, what's a soul going for these days? You thinking about laying off the blow tonight, Keith Richards, or is total incoherency your big closer? Why don't you relax, Big Red? You see a needle sticking out of my arm? Welcome boys.
Ha ha.
I'm Willy Speers.
I own this tub.
- Hey, I'm Bill.
- Bill! - Willy.
- Nick Beverly.
- Nick.
Ha.
- Carnegie.
Ralph Carnegie.
Carnegie.
Is that a Negro name? Technically, it was a gift given to my great-grandfather by the people who owned him.
That's funny.
You should use that.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we got one rule.
You're not in LA.
And we got no profanity.
State law.
Plus, we're a family joint.
We get a lot of kids and a lot of old farts eating in here.
Now, I may have rules, but we still like to have fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
I will yell and do shit to you while you're up.
Get the audience jazzed.
You serious? You're talking about heckling? You're gonna heckle the comics? The audience heckles.
Think of me as more of a warm-up act.
Um, Willy, this is going on during our act? [CHUCKLES.]
Trust me, you'll need me with this bunch.
Ooh, I got a good feeling about this one.
- [WILLY.]
Have a good show! - Yeah.
[GOLDIE.]
The hell is Arnie? Would somebody please make sure that he sees this note? Please, please, please.
Thank you.
Don't suppose you're gonna watch tonight.
You're still a producer.
Yeah, well, getting screwed doesn't feel any better just 'cause they roll your name in the credits.
What about you, you ready? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Yeah, I I feel like I've been ready for a while now.
You can kiss anonymity good-bye.
Primetime, Saturday night.
Like being on Carson an entire week.
Just know that I know that none of this would have happened without you and this place.
[SIGHS.]
That's bullshit.
You're just like me.
Same snarl, different bite.
I'm taking that as a compliment.
That's how I meant it.
I'm proud of you.
You got balls.
And you can't have a cooch in this business, you don't have balls.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- I'll remember that.
[LAUGHTER.]
Seriously, why are any of you still living here? Look, you can trust me on this, the railroad's not coming through here, okay? Not now, not ever.
I heard John Steinbeck came here for inspiration, but he left 'cause he got too bummed out.
You know, your town is like a Grapes of Wrath amusement park.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, come on, man.
Is that necessary? - This concern you? - Yeah, just my jokes work better without the child abuse.
[LAUGHTER AND GROANS.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
[DRUM ROLL.]
[MAN.]
Get him, Willy! You some kind of smart aleck? Who me? No.
No, no, no.
I'm, uh, no smart aleck.
I'm, uh, just a guy watching another guy yank his son's arm out of the socket 'cause he spilled his fucking soda.
That's who I am.
What'd I say about obscenities? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- The obscenities.
Obscenities.
What did you say? Oh, you said don't fucking do 'em.
Uh, you think that my saying the word fuck, that's the problem, right? I'd hate to be the one to introduce thinking into the conversation, but you might wanna wake the fuck up, Big Willy.
You are mad at a word.
A word.
Richard Nixon brought this country to its knees, and not in the way that Willy likes with his sister.
This guy wore that shirt to get laid.
What the fuck? The world that you know is burning to the ground, but this genius, he's mad about a word.
How much coke did he do before he got onstage? - [NICK.]
Double down.
- About that much.
[NICK.]
Oh, my goodness, I hear it.
Do you hear that? If you listen real close, I think you can hear it.
There is a train coming.
[IMITATES TRAIN CHUGGING.]
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a, fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a, Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
Fuck you! Fuck you! - Fuck you! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
- Fuck you! - That's enough! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah? Says fucking who? Says me.
- [CROWD CHEERS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Ha ha! Hey! Look at that.
Where's that big mouth now, tough guy, huh? Ooh, Cletus, you gotta back up.
That breath smells like if shit took a sauna.
Hey, man, there's no need for that.
Step the fuck back now.
Leave him alone, asshole.
I don't mean no disrespect.
- Just keep cool, all right? - Keep cool? What, you think I'm one of your jive friends? - [LAUGHS.]
- Get the fuck off me.
Stay there, Bill.
[LAUGHS.]
So you run this motley outfit? Listen, my friend acted poorly in there.
- Mm-hmm.
- And he knows that.
What do you say we just leave? No harm, no foul.
It sounds to me like you're trying to interfere with my arrest.
I'm trying to end this civilly.
[LAUGHS.]
Motherfucker will you please come on! - [GROANING.]
- Ralph [RALPH.]
Get your hands off me.
Get me out of this fucking car! Get your fucking hands off me.
I served this country in Nam! - Get your hands off him! - Explains why we lost.
- [NICK.]
Fuck you! - Fuck you! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
- [CASSIE.]
Oh, my God.
- [EDDIE.]
I know, right? Are you sure you're okay with this being a big party? I know you wanted it to be a small affair.
[CASSIE.]
Yeah, this is so fun.
I mean, I know it was my idea to have it just the two of us, but this is amazing, and Cal's coming? [EDDIE.]
Yes, he is, according to Ron.
[RENE.]
This is a pretty nice pad for a mailman.
Yeah, man, it's amazing what 20 grand an episode will buy.
I mean, I can only imagine what your place looks like, what you must pull in.
Same as you.
Twenty Gs.
Really? Really.
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah, right on.
- Is it? Is it? - Yeah, no, I just You know, I thought it might be more 'cause you're the lead.
- You would think.
- I didn't know if it was Oh, there's Candy.
There's Candy's here.
- Ahh! - Hey.
Oh, I'm so glad you made it.
I'm glad I made it too.
Excuse me, guys.
Candy's here.
May I use your little girl's room for a sec? Of course, uh, there's actually five restrooms, so you can you can pee all night.
- No way she's with you.
- Yeah.
Yep.
- Miss December, Penthouse.
- No way.
- Way.
- What's her name? - Candy.
- It's like her parents knew.
- She's a walking sex fantasy.
- Fuck.
So what's your plan? What are you gonna do? Sex.
I'm gonna have sex with her.
- Yeah.
- And then, you know, probably some awkward conversation.
- Sure.
- And feign mutual interests.
More sex.
No, you can't just have regular guy sex with her.
She's a Penthouse Pet.
You need to add some pizzazz.
- Pizzazz? - Yeah.
Like what? I don't like a Bengal tiger.
Okay, I'm not-I'm not sure we have time for that.
You got anything a little more reasonable? How much champagne do you have? Tons.
You're gonna need more.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
You sure this is a restaurant and not some guinea elephant graveyard? You be nice.
Chef went through a lot of bother to open these cans.
Well, I'd ask for a doggy bag, but I like my dog.
[CHUCKLES.]
What? Cut the bullshit.
What's the capacity? Two-fifty if we grease the fire marshal.
The owner hit an iceberg about six months ago.
He's been trying to dump the lease ever since.
What about Vegas? What about Vegas? They're very good to me.
Always have been.
What are they offering? Twenty-eighty, but I don't have to do shit but perform.
Mm.
I'll go seventy-thirty.
Headline here the first month.
One week a month from then on.
So I'm gonna fuck my Vegas brand for a ten percent bump? Take the two million, Goldie.
What is it, Roy? Hmm? The terms or Vegas? Between you and I, we know just about every comic, every talent agent in the business.
We could really make a go of this place.
Let me explain it so you understand.
Vegas is gonna swallow you whole and shit out the seeds.
All right, thought I was preaching to the converted.
Okay, well, then convert me.
Hmm? Why Santa Monica? It's a shithole.
Yeah, a shithole by the beach that they're about - A shithole by the beach.
- Yes.
Oh, you should put that on the sign.
And they are about to pour a shitload of money into it.
Trust me, it's gonna be a tourist pull.
Oh, okay, so we're-we're a tourist attraction now.
Is that what we are? Tourists go home eventually.
Places like Detroit, Chicago, Boston, New York.
All cities just waiting for something a little funnier than what they got.
Come on, you wouldn't be here now if the time wasn't right for expanding.
Roy Vegas can't strangle what it can't get its hands around.
Sixty-forty.
And I want my own driver when I'm out here.
You hit a few parked cars drunk, and automatically everyone wants to infringe on your civil liberties.
Get me that elf with the infectious grin.
Eddie.
Eddie it is.
Good.
[GROANS.]
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
CITGO extra range motor oil.
- [CASSIE.]
Oh, man.
- [EDDIE.]
How you feeling? - I don't know.
- Am I late? Ah, no, you're right on time.
Hi, come sit.
You look wonderful, wonderful.
Thanks.
- You mind if I, uh - Nope, nope.
- Here you go.
- Thanks so much.
This is the agent that I was telling you about.
I appreciate it.
Oh, my gosh! - I know.
- The big night.
- [MOUTHING.]
- Are you so excited? - You must be just thrilled.
- I'm very excited.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
From CBS Studios in Hollywood, California, it's Girls Are Funny Too.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you for coming.
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
Starring [NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this special report.
What you're seeing is the devastation left behind from a category five tornado that landed in Bixby, Oklahoma, just miles from Tulsa.
The devastation continues to mount, along with the death toll, as the twister, one of five known, winds its way north.
Much of Tulsa County is currently without power, and tornado warnings are still in effect, making search and rescue operations very dangerous.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
[NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
Ten known deaths [PHONE RINGING DISTANTLY.]
[KEYS JANGLING, DOOR RATTLES.]
You.
[SNIFFS.]
[GROANS.]
What about him? What about him? He can sweat it out.
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE RINGS DISTANTLY.]
[DOOR CLANGING, CLOSES.]
[GRUNTS.]
[MAN.]
[LAUGHS.]
All alone now.
All alone.
[NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
A local church in nearby Stillwater, St.
Joseph the Worker, where several families were riding out the tornado has collapsed, trapping the families seeking refuge under the rubble.
Are you fucking kidding me? [NEWS ANNOUNCER.]
Very little is known at this time.
I mean, are you fucking shitting me? [EDDIE.]
Cass, Cass.
Hey, it's called Tornado Alley, you know what I mean? It's not fucking Chance of Showers Alley.
It's in the fucking title.
You don't like wind, fucking get the fuck out of the city.
I'm not gonna relax, and I'm not up-I'm not upset.
This isn't a fucking salmonella outbreak - at the Polish deli.
- No.
Once again, my life has been preempted by a fucking tragedy Tough night, Cass.
that I had no fucking hand in.
Minor setback.
It's gonna be okay.
- Talk to you in a day or two.
- Okay, great, yeah.
I'll wait by the phone tomorrow.
Hey, is this still the comedy show? These girls don't look funny.
They look dead.
Hello? Am I bothering you? [DISTANT MUSIC, CHATTER.]
[EDDIE.]
There she is, Calamity Jane.
Well, I'd like to say that that was the premiere of Girls Are Crazy Too, but I think we both know that's not true.
Yeah.
It's understandable.
Who wouldn't be upset? Think Mother Teresa would have gone on that rant if her special was preempted by innocent deaths? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, you had a bad moment.
Huh.
I don't know if it would be worse thinking it and not saying it.
You think I'm terrible? No.
We're not our worst moments.
Hopefully.
Thanks for being so supportive.
Please don't do that.
Do what? You just You make me sound like an afterthought.
Like I'm some kinda coda to your ups and downs.
For saying that you're supportive? Yeah, it feels like a pat on the head.
Is this because I gave your seat to Cal? Oh, was that not a shitty thing? Should I not feel shitty about that? I need an agent, Eddie.
I thought you of all people would understand that.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
Maybe I don't really want to feel like all people with you.
Are you jealous? You seriously think I'm jealous? - Well, I - Why? Why, because I don't have my own show? Or The Main Stage? Or agents chasing me? Look, I know I work in a deli, wait tables, perform at The Cellar at 2 a.
m.
in front of three people.
I'm good with that.
Look, nobody roots harder for you than I do.
I know that, I know.
So I will happily take a backseat to where we are in our careers, but in our relationship, no fucking way.
You know what would be nice for a change? How 'bout you following me outside after I've had a shit day? That would be nice.
Funk music [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
I've been let down, I've been turned around I've never been in a champagne Jacuzzi before.
- Few have.
- Mm.
I had the staff drain the water out and Oh, yeah? And pour a bunch of cases of bubbly in.
Mm.
Didn't get me down Mm.
I go wild Mmm.
[LAUGHS.]
That would be my penis.
Our penis.
That's what I meant.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MOANING.]
- Yeah.
- My vagina.
- You mean "our vagina.
" - Ohh, no! It fucking burns! Fuck, fuck, it burns! [SCREAMING.]
That's not good.
It fucking burns! I'm fucking hurt! Oh, my God! [CROWD CHEERING.]
I'll save you.
[CANDY.]
I can fucking swim! So alcohol heated to 103 degrees Hmm.
Seems obvious now.
Yeah.
[PHONE RINGS.]
No.
Okay.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
All right, all right, all right, I'm coming.
Hello.
Huh? [SIGHS.]
What police station? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[PHONES RINGING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Thanks for the pizza and beer.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Ralph.
[BILL.]
Ralph, you hungry? You wanna get something to eat? Or should we race back to the hotel so you can jot this down in your pink little diary while it's still fresh? And I think we got a new road rule stay the fuck outta Arizona, am I right? Hey, we ain't bonding over this shit.
You dig? Playing Bill Withers' "Hope She'll Be Happier" [EDDIE.]
But I love my mother very much.
But what are you gonna do? That's the way it is.
She didn't love me back.
When I was little, she actually told me that windowless vans were taxis for children.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
This was also the same woman who, uh, encouraged me to apply to Notre Dame on a bell-ringing scholarship.
Maybe the lateness of the hour Bell-ringing? As in ringing a bell? Not doing it, huh? Not ringing a bell? [RALPH.]
I mean, it's another racist depiction reinforcing the stereotype that all black people are lazy.
Now, I would have changed the channel, but the television was all the way across the room.
[LAUGHTER.]
In my defense, I did have my recliner set all the way back to righteous indignation mode.
But in my heart there is a shower So you guys have been a fantastic crowd.
Thank you.
My name is Ralph Carnegie.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you.
I hope she'll be happier with him Coming to the stage next, your headliner.
You've seen him on The Tonight Show.
Give it up for Mr.
Bill Hobbs.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Baby the darkness [BILL.]
Ralph Carnegie, ladies and gentlemen, from Sonny & Cher, and now that they're getting a divorce Ralph is gonna be available for some light yard work.
I don't know if you want him around your house though.
He might steal something.
Makes me seem lonelier Ralph is half black and half a comedian, so Than I am [NAOMI.]
God, that was funny.
The way you can just get up there and It's so cool.
Naomi.
Pleasure, Naomi.
So tell me something funny, Mr.
Funny Guy.
Happier with him Something funny I can't believe That she don't want to see me We lived and loved With each other so long Goldie's is nothing it's a starters pistol.
I can't believe that you got Soul Train.
This is your chance to show people who you are as a stand-up.
Now is Ron time.
I'm just working on some new stuff.
I'm taking them for the Tonight Show.
Give it up for Miss Dawn Lima.
I fucked a bum today.
How do you guys know each other? We worked together in Chicago.
in Chicago.
You really did fuck a bum.
Are you exicted to see your family, it's been a while.
Can you hug your Aunt Cassie, please? I'm sorry I haven't been around more.
We do what we have to.
you're not gonna say anything? I'm not playing this game anymore.
If you walk back, I need to know it's to get your shit together.
- Your album is number 92 and climbing.
- What? They owe you something.
Can I ask you a question? What are you so pissed off about? I guess yours wasn't the only fucked up childhood.
You were there for me, .
I don't know, it feels better.
There's no happiness in this business.
The people you love will kill you.
Either by making you stay or letting you go.
All right everybody, let's party! What if this is as close as I'll ever get to Carson? All my eggs are in this basket.
We're here to collect.
Can't believe I wished for all this.
You wished for success, .